Jul18
Should You Send a Follow-up Email to Someone To Hasn’t Written You Back?
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Dear Evan
1. Should a person send a follow-up email to someone they have written to before and not heard from?
2: What do you think of expressing in ones profile that you prefer emails to winks?
Thank you so much for your encouragement and help in our searches.
Ynez
Dear Ynez,
Allow me to answer your second question first, because it’s a lot quicker:
No. Don’t express in your profile that you prefer emails to winks. You wanna know why?
1) EVERYBODY prefers emails to winks. So, in essence, you’re saying something as clichéd as “I like to laugh” or “I want a man who’s honest”. It’s a pointless point, and is one that’s bound to be ignored.
2) The fact that he winks instead of taking the time to write to you speaks volumes about him. A wink says either that he’s lazy, he’s illiterate, or, more likely, that he’s winking at 50 people at a time to see who responds to him. He may actually be a decent guy – but he’s a decent guy who is pretty indiscriminate about the women he contacts. Proceed with caution.
3) I just think it’s in poor form to tell anyone what to do. “Nobody over the age of 40! No cheaters or liars! Nobody who has addiction issues!” Feel free to ignore anyone who doesn’t meet your criteria, Ynez – including your desire to be emailed – but please, don’t issue demands in your profile.
Next…
I have two (and maybe even three) answers to your query about sending a follow-up email. One set of rules applies to men, another applies to women. And yes, there’s a logical explanation for this double standard.
Women have the simpler answer. No, you shouldn’t send a follow-up email to a guy if he hasn’t written back. It’s not that it’s impossible that he was busy, or accidentally deleted your email, or had an emotional crisis that caused him to abandon dating for awhile. Rather, it’s that, 99 times out of 100, a guy who doesn’t write back to you is a guy who isn’t attracted to you. If he is attracted to you but is dating other people, he’ll get back to you eventually, without any additional prodding on your part.
Men are faced with a different dilemma. Why are there different rules for men and women? Because women – especially younger women – receive infinitely more emails than men. Think about it: If a guy is doing great, he might get ten emails – and can manage to respond to the three or four attractive women in his inbox. If a woman is doing great, she might get 50 emails, or 150 emails, or 400 emails. Which means that there are definitely some quality guys who don’t get through the first screening process
I remember meeting a woman on Match.com in 2002. We dated for six weeks and I remember asking her about her experience. She told me that she received over 500 emails in her first week. How many guys did she write back to? Five. That’s 495 guys who got silence in return for their emails. This reinforces why women are NOT obliged to write back polite rejection letters AND it reinforces why just because older men want attractive young women, they are unlikely to get a letter back. If she has 500 potential future spouses in the mix, why would she date a guy fifteen years older? She could date a guy that’s just as successful and kind, but closer to her age. And she usually will. Doesn’t mean she’s bad. Just means she has choices. See my blog post “As Valuable as Your Options” if this isn’t clear to you.
But back to my point. …
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14 Comments »Filed Under Online Dating Tips & Advice
Marc Jul 19th 2007 at 11:22 am 1
Agreed. Guys generally don’t ignore emails from women to whom they’re attracted. If he’s not responding the first time, it’s either because he’s not a paying member and can’t read the email, he’s got too many emails in his inbox and will wait till other prospects dry out to get to yours, or he simply isn’t interested. I’d maybe try an IM, if you really want to give it a second shot. That may get his attention.
Natalie Jul 19th 2007 at 12:02 pm 2
I agree about not sending a second email. If he is interested, he will email you back after the first one. Not sending a second one means you can still have your dignity and pride. Also, I would try not taking it personally when people don’t respond. As Evan said, there are so many people online. In my experience, people online are also flaky. The ananimity of the Internet makes it easier to disappear without a trace than say, if you had met someone in person. You can’t take each person that doesn’t get back to you as a personal affront because you never know what is going on in someone’s life. If a guy emails me numerous times after no response from me, quite frankly, it makes me glad I didn’t respond because it makes them appear desperate. As far as the winks, I wouldn’t be so hard on the guys. If you respond to his wink with an email, you should get an email back in return.
Roger Jul 20th 2007 at 07:19 am 3
I don’t think it can hurt for a woman to follow up with a 2nd email. But, they should wait at least a few weeks. And, if they get no response after the second one, they should give up.
J Jan 20th 2008 at 02:49 am 4
Just an honest question – Are there really that many people out there who would reply to an email of someone if they went to their profile, before responding to initial contact, if that person didn’t have a picture posted? Please note, I didn’t ask if many men would reply without a picture (of the girl who wrote to them or Winked). I am female, and I don’t respond to people who don’t post a photo, either.
Same goes for when perusing profiles to either find someone to write to or hope I hear from him.
The one time I broke my personal rule on this, I never saw him – because he said he couldn’t post it because he was a forensic profiler and he wouldn’t want criminals to be able to find him. Maybe that was true, maybe it wasn’t. He was also the one who contacted me six months after a phone call and didn’t remember he had already corresponded and spoken with me and then disappeared without a word previously.
As to hiding it – the profile – if getting the wrong responses = no one can read it if you hide it. Therefore, if you do email a man or wink at him, and he goes to see who you are, then he gets a notice that that member has hidden their profile, changed their member name or is no longer on the site. Can’t reply to someone with a hidden profile. This is the case on Match.com anyhow.
And popping in and out frequently – visible, non-visible trying to guess when he might write back makes you look indecisive and flaky. And you would still get people writing that you might not want to hear from during the “Visible” periods : )
Yes, women could contact the men they want to hear from – but as several of you have pointed out, if a man wants something or someone, then he usually goes for it. It is easy to think if you haven’t already heard from “Him” whoever him is (the one or ones that really caught your eye) that maybe he saw you and wasn’t interested enough to write.
I don’t know how many men write or wink back if a woman initiates contact (though some state in their profiles that they would welcome such), but it has been my experience that you rarely get a reply of any kind if you make the first move. Maybe I have tried to date out of my league or something else was going on (or not), but it did serve to reinforce my theory that I have a better chance of connecting with someone if he chose to invest in me a touch first.
If I were super hot, with bodacious boobs, I do suspect some of these guys might have replied. So that goes both ways too. In each case, I wrote a headline that was original (I hope) and had something to do with something very specific in their profile and to them and was clever (at least, I hope so) and tailored the email to the guy.
So women also get the “silent”, i.e, no acknowledgment treatment too. And later on, men drop off the face of the earth with no word too.
Makes you appreciate the people who go the extra mile and put in more effort all the more. And isn’t that the kind of person who would most likely do the same with you in a relationship too?
I agree with Evan and the previous posters about not emailing a couple or so times if no reply. Though I think this would be true for a guy too. I don’t think he should have to email a girl several times before he says, she isn’t that into me. I deserve someone who really is, who is excited to hear from me, and responds in turn and in kind – whether to email, text message, or phone call. Not saying call for call or totally email for email in terms of same number on both sides – but who makes a concerted effort back. Certainly some effort at least in reply.
Mark Jan 31st 2008 at 09:25 am 5
I’m gay and on Match.com, so here’s a nice gay man’s perspective:
If they don’t respond, move on. Trust me, gay men are the pickiest people on the planet. Don’t waste time waiting, find the real one.
Michael Ejercito Feb 16th 2008 at 03:40 pm 6
I wonder why women get more e-mails than men.
AO Feb 26th 2008 at 03:25 pm 7
What if he did email you back after your first email, but hasn’t responded to the 2nd email you sent in response to his email? It makes me wonder if maybe I offended him in someway…
Darc Jun 4th 2008 at 08:26 pm 8
I’ve always wondered why women get more emails than men too… Maybe it’s because men only think with their dicks. LOL!
My question: How do you peek a woman’s interest? I mean, there are probably more attractive men online than there are ugly men, so what are women looking for in terms of looks?
Elana Feb 9th 2009 at 05:00 pm 9
I wanted to add my two cents because I’m female and I’ve actually had really good luck sending a follow-up email to an original email that I never got a response to. I’ve done this twice with guys who I was emailing back and forth with, and then it dropped off (so in both cases they did respond to my first email). Both guys I ended up going on several great dates with. I used to never email someone again who didn’t email back, but the more I’ve been doing online dating, the more confidence I’ve gotten with my photos and email/profile-writing skills, and I just figured, what do I have to lose? So both guys I sent a flirty email along the lines of “so you seem like a really cute, great guy, and I’m sure you’re busy sifting through a gazillion emails from lovely ladies, but if it’s not too late, I’d like to throw my hat into the ring.” I got responses from both guys right away, and it turns out they had pretty good excuses for not emailing me back in the first place (being really busy, not being sure I was interested, etc). So in some cases, the follow-up email does work.
Sayanta Feb 10th 2009 at 08:14 am 10
Elana-
Just curious- did they ever explain why they suddenly ‘dropped off’? I hate it when they do that- but I really can’t complain, since I’ve done it to guys myself.
starthrower68 Mar 10th 2009 at 05:39 pm 11
Ah it is a cursed thing to be less than a perfect woman. Methinks I shall get thee to a nunnery….
Ms. D Mar 17th 2009 at 04:41 pm 12
So what about he e-mails you, you respond, and then radio silence? I mean HE expressed interest, so it wasn’t a lack of attractiveness or charm in the profile. And I THOUGHT my e-mail was consistent with my profile? I did realize very quickly after sending the e-mail that I said that my only pic at the time was a “couple” of years old…my bad, it is 1 1/2 years old (I mean, JFC, I’m 27, it can’t be that old or I’d have been an obvious teenager!), but thought I had remedied any potential issues with that by quickly uploading a new pic with the caption “November travels around the world”. WTF?
Karl R Mar 18th 2009 at 07:25 am 13
Ms. D asked: (#12)
“So what about he e-mails you, you respond, and then radio silence?”
He’s pursuing a more serious relationship with someone else.
To give you a (more transparent) example:
A couple months ago a new lady showed up in my yoga class. Over the course of the next few weeks I made a point of introducing myself to her, making small talk and casually flirting with her. She had every reason to believe I was interested in her. (Because I was.)
During that same period of time, one of my dance partners broke up with her boyfriend. I’ve known this woman for a year, we dance and flirt regularly, and we’ve become good friends. Suddenly we’re both available at the same time. A month after her breakup, I let her know that I was interested in pursuing an exclusive relationship with her.
Under the circumstances, the lady from yoga didn’t stand a chance. She didn’t do anything wrong. It wasn’t a level playing field. Even if she’s as amazing as this dance partner, I didn’t have enough time to discover that.
The lady from yoga is not completely in the dark. I’ve “just happened” to have a couple conversations with a couple friends in my yoga class where she could easily overhear. She knows that I’m dating someone else.
Your situation is probably identical to the lady in my yoga class. The only difference is that you weren’t informed of what else was going on.
It’s possible to do everything correctly and still not get the man. But if you do everything correctly, you will manage to get one sooner than if you just fumble around randomly.
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