Busola O.

"I feel very fortunate that I gave him a chance and that he's in my life. The best part is that there is NO DRAMA!"

I was going through the mechanics of a divorce from a VERY abusive and controlling man.  Found out that he had periodically gone through my computer for the 11 years we were married and checked up on every site that I had visited.  Was coming out of a very bad place, had serious anxiety issues.  My situation was compounded because I was originally from an African country that treated women like second class citizens and he and his family had done this for years.  Worse still, I had allowed them to do so.

Well, I’d met my ex-husband when I was 17 and basically dated only him through college (even though he treated me badly a lot of the time), he was also the only guy that I had slept with.  I was 35, divorced, had 3 little children, ready to reclaim my life and realized that since I’d been in a bad, loveless relationship for so long, I didn’t know the first thing about being in a healthy, loving relationship with an American man :-).  I wanted to find out what a healthy relationship looked like, what to expect while dating and just generally how to conduct myself.

The most important lesson I learned from “Why He Disappeared” was that I needed to put aside my preconceived notions of what my ideal guy was like and give real guys a chance (you would think I would’ve known this since my ex was the stereotypical tall, dark and handsome man that ended up being really self centered and a huge mama’s boy).  In addition, I learned that it was okay to approach dating with a strategy, that it wasn’t manipulative to do so and that being yourself meant that you could be your best self.  Wow, that kind of gave me permission to go out there and enjoy myself!  Another important lesson I got from the book and your website was that it was okay to be a cool girl and to give men a break. I also really appreciated your very commonsensical view on dating, it was like a breath of fresh air; you’re like the big brother I never had :-).  Your views on bad relationships also helped me heal and move on from my former marriage.

Well, I decided to give a guy from my previous job a chance.  He was a little nerdy, smaller in stature and shorter than what I was used to, but taller than me.  He was very handsome, fit, successful and great at what he did, but not your typical alpha male.  I had invited him for my birthday party right before I left my old job and he came.  He was soo much fun, he played the games I’d set up, helped me bbq and set up my party (he was the first guest to arrive) and invited me out to dinner as a birthday present.  He was a guy that ordinarily I would have politely given an excuse not to go to dinner with, but something about what you said about giving a different type of guy a chance resonated with me and I decided to go to dinner with him.

Well, one thing led to the other, we went on many more dates, I played it cool, asked him one time early in the relationship what he wanted out of dating and just relaxed and enjoyed the moment and every single date I was on.  I particularly found useful after the first couple of dates your lessons on mirroring and reciprocating.  I let him text and call me first, even though the texts were few and far between initially.  I didn’t get upset when he didn’t call when he said he would, I answered the phone in a happy voice each time he did end up calling.

I never put any pressure on him. Told him that I’d like to get a chance to know him better and have fun because I enjoyed his company.  Didn’t discuss our relationship status or lack thereof and have had a blast. I really lived in the moment, which was very, very new to me, with my last relationship, I was always focused on the future, anxious and stressed out.

We’ve been dating for 10 months now and things are FABULOUS!  He calls me everyday! Says he really enjoys my company, goes out of his way to do nice things for me.  Is monogamous and expects the same from me!  I’m with a guy that is 9 years older than me, but treats me like an equal.  He’s funny, wicked smart, kind, laid back and a TOTAL gentlemen.  I feel very fortunate that I gave him a chance and that he’s in my life.  The best part is that there is NO DRAMA!

“Why He Disappeared” made me feel like I was in control of my love life and that it was not in control of me, that is a very good feeling.  I’m VERY happy with myself and my relationship.  I’m able to relax and not stress about the future, I’m enjoying the here and now and its SOO much FUN!  My boyfriend has mentioned on a few occasions that he can’t believe we haven’t had one argument or disagreement. I’m so proud of myself.

Busola O.