The Girl Is Great. The Sex, Not So Much.
Pages: 1 2
Evan,
I have a hell of a relationship conundrum and need some no-BS advice. I recently met a girl via match.com. We’ve dated for 5 weeks and we’re basically gf-bf. She’s a great gal, ideal companion, affectionate, great conversationalist, and fun to be around.
I really can’t say enough about her, except for one thing. The one thing is that the sex is awful. Not mediocre, not so-so, but awful. The crux of it is that she doesn’t have orgasms at all. I strongly believe it’s psychological and not an issue with me. My primary piece of evidence here is that she’s stated her inability to climax has been universal with all her partners (FYI, she’s in her thirties).
Suffice it to say, it’s extraordinarily frustrating for both of us to have sex, to the point where I don’t look forward to it at all. Ugh. I’m considering dumping her. Advice?
-Lance
Dear Lance,
Do you stay with an otherwise perfect partner if the sex is bad?
My answer is – not surprisingly – a nuanced one: yes, and no.
It’s your responsibility to make the most of this burgeoning relationship before tossing in the proverbial sticky towel.
Yes, you stay with her, at least for the time being. It’s your responsibility to make the most of this burgeoning relationship before tossing in the proverbial sticky towel. It may be frustrating for you, but, if you’re like most guys, you’ve done the hot and crazy thing before. You know how that ends. And with you throwing around terms like “ideal companion” and “fun to be around,” you better give this girl the full benefit of the doubt.
To that end, you need to focus on things that you can control and let go of the things you can’t.
Take the orgasm thing, for example. Here’s some stats that my man (and my wife’s crush) Dr. Drew had to offer about the percentage of women who climax:
• 50-60% of women will never have an orgasm via intercourse and will require clitoral stimulation to climax.
• 30% of women will have a reliable orgasm with intercourse.
• 10% of women will orgasm with intercourse and could possibly have sequential orgasms.
• 5% of women have true multiple orgasms only through intercourse and these women typically find oral sex uncomfortable.
Other research, Lance, shows that 12-15% of women don’t have ANY orgasms. This linked study suggests that it’s genetic, but it may, in fact, be psychological as well.
 |
Why He Disappeared is the smart, strong, successful woman's guide to understanding men. If you want to learn how men think, and rediscover how to have meaningful relationships - all from a man's point of view - click here to learn Why He Disappeared. |
Do You Want to Attract the Partner of Your Dreams?
If so, sign up for my free dating and relationship newsletter and receive my free eBook, The 5 Massive Mistakes You're Making In Your Love Life - And How to Turn Them Around Instantly. Simple and effective advice to jumpstart your love life.
43 Comments »Filed Under Sex
Honey 1
I am confused why the fact that she has not had an orgasm with any partner would make the issue psychological.
It is easier to improve someone’s sexual skills than their ability to be a good companion, so I would try to talk about it with her. It’s also an excellent way to gauge how she will respond to ANY difficult issue in the future, which is important to know.
Whether it’s ultimately psychological or physical, putting psychological pressure on her to come just so YOU can feel like the big man is not going to help anything. If her inability to orgasm was only physical to begin with, then now you’ve added a psychological component that will remain indefinitely, when if you’d kept things fun and no-pressure, maybe you wouldn’t found your way around the physical issues. If it was psychological to begin with, well, now you’ve compounded the issue.
Michael 2
Evan, you make it hard to comment because you get it so right.
Like Honey, the main issue I take, um, issue with is the “it’s obviously psychological” thing. In my experience the biggest psychological problems are lack of creativity and lack of communication.
Lance, #1, #2 and #3 on the list should be talking about what turns you on, and what turns her on. Honestly and openly. And if either of you can’t do what turns the other on and get to the point where bedroom time is fun (with or without orgasms, and yes, you CAN have fun without), then yes, it’s time to move on.
Kenley 3
I think that serious issues with sex can rarely be treated by just having a conversation or even reading books. I think you, as a couple, will need professional help. However, I don’t know if it really makes sense to take that option since you have only been seeing each other for 5 weeks.
I know it is PC to say that each person is responsible for their own orgasm, but I’m not certain I agree with that idea in the context of a LTR. It seems to me that that sentiment throws the selfless concept which everyone seemed to like right out the window. How is it selfless to say, I’m gonna take of myself and you need to do the same? While I don’t feel “responsible” for my boyfriend’s orgasm, it is my pleasure for him to have one, and I don’t think that is my ego talking. If pleasing your partner is not an important part of sex, why bother having a partner at all? For some women, however, orgasm is not always the most important source of pleasure. Read “She Comes First” for more information.
I do think there is one question that is critical which the OP didn’t address– has she EVER had an organism on her own. If she hasn’t, then she definfitely needs help because she doesn’t really even know what she likes. If she has had orgasms by herself, then I think she may be afraid to tell her partners what she likes. And, I don’t think she is alone in that regard. Some women are afraid to say what they like for fear of what her boyfriend may think of her.
The notion that she hasn’t had an orgasm with another guy is a hard one. If, you ASKED her if she ever had an orgasm with another guy, it really is not in her best interest to say yes because then you are going feel bad. What if that guy had something that you don’t and never will have? What happens then? If on the other hand, she volunteered that information, I am more included to believe her. Still, she just might be saying that to safe guard your feelings.
Sorry for rambling, but I don’t think this is an easy issue to solve. I suppose the question is what kind of guy are you? Do you have a desire to put in the hard work to improve your sex life (’cause I’m inclined to think it will be) or do you just want smooth sailing. If you are a smooth sailing kind of guy, then I think it’s probably best move on.
Isabelle Archer 4
Sex takes two people, so there is no way that you can say this is “not an issue with me.” What are you doing to make her feel good, that doesn’t have to do with the goal-oriented task of trying to get her to come? There is so much more to sex than orgasms that I tend to believe that they problem may be with you as much as with her. Do you kiss her? Hug her? Etc? Does she enjoy that? Why should this all be about what you like, and not what she likes?
If she just doesn’t like anything at all, then that’s a whole nother thing.
Another factor to consider is that if she’s had this “problem” with all her other boyfriends, she may have some pretty serious feelings of inadequacy that is affecting her. The ONLY way to get over this is for you to be 100% accepting of her, her body, where she is, and who she is, and just HAVE FUN. Judging her is not going to work.
Jane 5
Wow… complicated… sort of….
I had a marriage and a baby but never an orgasm. One of my friends asked me if I satisfied myself…. which I had not so she suggested that I get to know my body and find out what it took to have an orgasm. There are a few books out there that help with this. One contemporary one is mentioned above in Kensley’s post: “She Comes First.” It took some effort but I eventually got my body to know how to have an orgasm. Changed my life because my new knowledge served me well in sex with my partner . Voila’– orgasms with intercourse.
I love sex but I sure don’t always have to have orgasms. Sometimes it is nice to not have one so I can pay attention to other pleasures. Other times, an orgasm is all I want. I sure would not like feeling that I had to have an orgasm in order for my partner to gain enjoyment in our lovemaking.
My current partner loves our sex life and we are quite active even though I sometimes am not interested in an orgasm. So,the question here is— is she into it? Does she show excitement, participation, sexiness in bed. Is she eager to lie down with you? If she does and you like it, let go of the orgasm thing or if she wants to learn and wants you to be the man she learns with, then help her. But– it should be fun!
It sounds like she hasn’t trained her body yet. If she hasn’t or doesn’t want to learn, that is a different issue because we are made to have orgasms. 153 erogoneous zones aren’t for nothing. If that is the case, she and perhaps you with her need to get help.
People are defensive about this topic. I had a boyfriend a few years back who had not one idea about how to please a woman and when I suggested we learn some things…. he said, “I just do what I do.” He was not interested in figuring it out. I wasn’t interested in going the rest of my life with no orgasms. And that was one of the reasons I broke it off. If he would have been willing to learn, I would have enjoyed being the partner he learned it with. I mention this only because I had to work up my courage to open the conversation. I wish you the courage you need.
Honey 6
FWIW, I’ve never had an orgasm from anything except a vibrator. We’ve found ways for my boyfriend to be involved in my orgasms despite not being the actual cause of them. And the reason that he’s really the only guy I’ve felt comfortable using it in front of him (and the reason I think I won’t “need” it forever to have one) is because he never, ever, for one second made me feel like “it was psychological” or that he would ever think poorly of me in any way because of the things that I require to have an orgasm.
He also says that based on his experience he puts me in the 50th percentile as far as how difficult it is for me to come, which means that fully half of the not-insignificant, totally normal number of women he’s slept with had a harder time than me.
This letter sounds like if she was having multiples you’d be a proud peacock, but since she’s not having any it’s her problem. That’s a classic case of having an internal locus of control when you experience a positive outcome and a negative locus of control when you experience a negative outcome. Given that everything else is so great, why would you absolve yourself of any responsibility in improving this issue?
marc 7
If she’s making you feel like she’s doing you a favor by having sex with you, and is unwilling to make an effort to enjoy sex, then I’d say she’s gotta go. Otherwise, she sounds too good to lose.
Steve 8
Whether it’s ultimately psychological or physical, putting psychological pressure on her to come just so YOU can feel like the big man is not going to help anything. If her inability to orgasm was only physical to begin with, then now you’ve added a psychological component that will remain indefinitely,
Inverting the gender we get
Whether it’s ultimately psychological or physical, putting psychological pressure on him to get an erection just so YOU can feel desirable is not going to help anything. If his inability to achieve an erection was only physical to begin with, then now you’ve added a psychological component that will remain indefinitely,
Honey 9
Yes, Steve, that’s true. Although my boyfriend’s failed to get hard on a variety of occasions, for a variety of reasons, and it’s never bothered me. Though he gets super upset about it…
Honey 10
Are there women out there who care if a guy can’t get it up every once in awhile? I’ve never heard of this. I mean, if he couldn’t get it up consistently and the woman had a really high sex drive I could see it being a problem, but that’s because her needs aren’t being met, not because she bases her self-image off his stiffy. Most women I know would be happy to receive oral sex instead, if the guy was experiencing technical difficulties.
Janet 11
I believe that the biggest cause of problems btw men and women are the differences in how we experience sex and our ignorance about how it is for the other side.
Men get aroused and come quickly–in about 7 minutes ; women take at least 30 minutes (acc to one source). Men have one orgasm and experience a sudden drop in energy (fall asleep); women can have multiples (I do, but it’s not the big deal it’s made out to be) and have orgasms of different intensities (vaginal is way different from clitoral) and may get more energized (awake) as the lovemaking progresses. Young men, who pursue young women without little thought beyond the orgasm, believe that these young women come in the same way that they do (easily, quickly, and through intercourse). Young women believe that young men know all about sex and how to make them come and are horrified, shocked, and disappointed when they discover that sex with these young men seems to be all about the man’s orgasm (he thinks that she’s having one because he’s having one), with little thought for the consequences (pregnancy being the big fear; he assumes she’s on the pill because isn’t sex just about having a good orgasm and a good time and isn’t getting pregnant her problem/buzzkill?). He pursues her just for sexbecause he thinks their enjoyment in the play is equal; she thinks he’s pursuing her so ardently in the quest for a relationship because who’d go to all the trouble for that?
Women at some point notice that he is having a much better time than she is, and she is bearing all the responsibility/risk. She also notices that, for various historically entrenched reasons, her ability to get pregnant puts her in a precarious position regarding the world of work, meaning, she has to make decisions about how child-rearing will play into her life/career plans since she’s going to be doing all the work; he just has to find someone who’ll do all the work FOR him. She always has to be on her guard because getting pregnant is probably the biggest, most unpredictable (no, she doesn’t have a crystal ball to tell her when any one act of intercourse will result in pregnancy, as guys seem to believe) life-altering thing that will ever happen to her. But hey, he’s having a heck of a good time, and he’s got certain survival advantages (a leg up in the job market) that she doesn’t, so it’s only fair that he hand something over to take care of the discrepancies in their respective situations re: sex.
The solution: If guys slow down and learn how the female body works, give her a good time in bed, and take responsibility for safe sex, no woman will ever make you “pay” (for dates, a divorce, her jewelry, etc.) If women tap into their oceanic sexual responsiveness and show the guys how it can be, making sure to leave him in a dear, sleepy heap afterwards, you will have everything you want.
Steve 12
The solution: If guys …
Hmmm, yes, it is always the other person’s problem
Janet 13
@10: I love technical difficulties!! They present a very wonderful seduction opportunity. The trick is to slow way, way down and take the pressure off–talk about something else.
And Honey, I just LOVE your willingness to talk about your sexual experience!!! Really, more women need to hear this. For women who think they are anorgasmic, vibrators are a great tool (pun intended). They’re also quite a lot of fun for any gal.
Honey 14
@ Steve, #12 – not sure who you are responding to here, but if it’s me, well…I wouldn’t demand oral sex, either, but if the guy a) was physically unable to have intercourse consistently (regardless of the cause) and b) wasn’t willing to have oral sex instead, I’d certainly wonder why he was dating me
@ Janet – I have this theory that every time you are scared to confess to something because you’ve never heard anyone else say it, that means that over half of the people you know struggle with that very issue and are too afraid to say anything about it, either. So then we all walk around feeling terrible about things that can be changed, and to me that’s sad! Just yesterday my boyfriend said, “Sometimes, when you say you like a particular book or movie or tv show, I find myself finding reasons to hate it even though I either don’t hate it or don’t even know what it is.” I was like, “sometimes I feel that way too!” It led to a great discussion about compromise in general and ways that we can introduce each other to the things we enjoy in a way that makes it exciting and not a power struggle.
Karl R 15
Steve, (#8)
I would say that’s reasonably accurate.
I always get an erection, but I don’t always orgasm. (I’ve had a couple girlfriends who didn’t orgasm every time either.) I can’t point to a singular cause for this, but I have identified some contributing factors (in order of importance):
1. How long since my last orgasm
2. Am I wearing a condom
3. Her participation / technique
4. My state of mind
5. Am I drunk
6. Am I healthy
If the woman gets angry or insecure when I don’t orgasm, then my state of mind is going to become an issue on a regular basis. If the woman doesn’t worry about my lack of an an orgasm, then my state of mind is less frequently an issue.
I’ll try to ensure that both of us have an orgasm. But I’m more concerned with whether we both had fun. If either one of us is upset because our partner didn’t orgasm, that’s going to kill the fun for both of us.
Michael 16
@ Steve: Women definitely don’t hang nearly as much self-esteem on our erections as we do on their orgasms. (In fact, I would say that men hang more self-esteem on their erections too!) The only way you can “invert” this is that both men and women are frequently guilty of a lack of, shall we say, creativity.
The moment the phrase “I just don’t know what else I can do” pops up, the problem is most likely with the one saying it. There’s always something more you can do. God gave men tongues and fingers for a reason. There are books and stores full of equipment, costumes, etc. that might help.
Talk and find out NOT what gets her off, but what makes her feel good. What are her fantasies? Has she ever seen anything in a movie that got her excited? The worst possible thing a guy can do is pursue her orgasm like a Navy SEAL on a search-and-destroy mission. Instead, pursue FUN and make her feel awesome even without an orgasm. Then if one happens, even better!
Kenley 17
I think women do hang a lot of self esteem on a man’s erection. Why else breast implants, high heels, sexy lingerie, etc. Also, from my own personal experience, being with a man who consistently doesn’t have an orgasm also made me feel bad…not angry, but inept. It turns out the cause for my guy was stress, but before we understood why, it was very distressing to me because that had never happened before. And it wasn’t about ego. It was about feeling helpless and sad that he couldn’t do what was typical. And believe you me, I was very creative. It just wasn’t happening for him.
Ruby 18
It seems to me that a piece of the puzzle is missing when the LW says that sex with his girlfriend is awful. From my perspective, awful sex would involve being with someone who isn’t into the act(s), who doesn’t show passion, who is selfish, inept and/or uptight, not simply someone who doesn’t have an orgasm. Perhaps his expectations are a bit unrealistic?
This couple needs to start talking about what each one wants and needs to feel satisfied.
shalini 19
I think you are completely not taking any responsility for her not having an orgasm. It might just be that you need to focus on other things than that.
From my own experience i had only had orgasm once in my live and that too alone. Not with any guy. It was not because it was psychological but because of all the pressure to have one!! He didn’t say it out loud. But its not difficult to get that you expect it. It kills that. It was not that i didn’t enjoy with him but the pressure to have orgasm kills it!! In fact i was starting to feel somethings wrong with me and started to feel bad about it.
But then i broke up and met my next boy friend and had an orgarm when neither of us was working towards it or hadn’t even thought about that.
If you think about it never happens. You have to just have fun. Just ask her what makes her feel good and do that. And tell her what will make you feel good and ask her to do that. Don’t think about the climax.
shalini 20
You should ask her if she has had an orgasm by herself. And if she has then i guess the only problem might be that you are both thinking too much about the climax taking all the fun out of it.
Opinionated 21
I find it quite amazing that when a man can’t be pleased in bed, he is quick to “dump” yet when a man can’t get it up or know what to do with it in the first place, most women will stick around & find all kinds of ways to improve the sex.
Advice to you would be that if the girl is that great & that ideal, then instead of ugh, you would try & find ways to handle the sex… Ever thought that men like you who are so quick to dump her might be the reason that she’s still in the no orgasm slump? Do you not think women have performance anxiety?
Rise above the rest, & find ways to talk to her or to find out why this is the case, it may boil down to a case of being comfortable to have fun but not so comfortable when it comes to sex.
Women aren’t really that complicated if you just take a little longer to understand the issues…
I had an ex who called me a prude! Why? Simply because he’d slept around with all the slutty girls from the age he knew what to do with his penis… I was not comfortable with the sex or how he treated me. My current bf reckons he hasn’t had better & appreciates me & we talk about the sex and how to make it better, what works, what doesnt… he’s my second & he hasn’t been around town himself.
Communication is a great tool, learn how to use that first….
Helen 22
Jane #5 and Janet #11: THANK YOU.
That’s why I love this blog. I love people who will speak honestly about their experiences, even ones as personal as sex. Thank you for speaking up about the things so many of us are afraid to say.
Selena 23
Great points Ruby. That has been my experience as well.
Gotta wonder why he would describe the sex as *awful* just because she doesn’t orgasm. Seems like there must be more to it than that – unless it really is a psychological issue (ego) on his part.
happygirl 24
Read all the responses…
@Ruby your last sentence says it all :
This couple needs to start talking about what each on wants and needs to feel satisfied.
I can from my own experience say that I do not have an orgasm all the time. Does that mean I do not enjoy my sexlife? I definitely enjoy it. I need to be relaxed. If for me having to have an orgasm becomes the main focus , then I feel like I am under pressure.
The result is that I can’t have one. It is true that it helps when men slow down, take their time.
To me it does not sound like all avenue’s are explored. It would be a shame to end this relationship without trying to spice things up.
It would also be unfair to compare her with other partners he had in the past. I would say explore together!!!
Janet 25
Steve @12: My comment was about using empathy and imagination to get into another person’s situation. It’s not about assigning blame and attributing a “problem” to someone else. Read it again.
Janet 26
Honey@14: Brilliant!
Steve 27
@Honey #14.
I wasn’t, I quoted a line from Janet’s post #11 ( not referring to her specifically either ).
I quoted as an example of women, as a group, having the tendency to look to men for the solutions for their problems. If I was with a number of women and did not have an orgasm I would see the solution to that problem being with me — not women in general.
Janet 28
This whole line of discussion is making me laugh, and I am very happy that EMK posted the stats and the story they tell. I am sure that many guys are shocked when they finally get it that sex is not the same experience for women as it is for them.
When I was in my 20s/early 30s I had many, many boyfriends, and I thought they were incredibly selfish in bed. Then I realized with one guy one day–OMG, he thought that THAT was an orgasm!!! I switched the adjective from “selfish” to “ignorant.” And porn, with its very, very wrong representation of female sexual response, doesn’t help. (Another lightning bolt: OMG, he thinks THAT is going to give me an orgasm? Where did he get THAT idea?!)
Of course, I kept all of those “OMG moments” to myself. I wasn’t going to teach anyone anything–mostly for the reasons that Honey states–nobody was talking about it, and the guys would just whip out some guy-oriented porn flick or sex literature as the great authority on the female sexual experience. And it “worked” with all of his other girlfriends (or so he thought), so….
Which brings us back to the “there is something wrong with you [the woman] psychologically.” (We can have a big discussion here about Freud’s ignorance and the damage he did and the thoroughly insulting term “frigid,” but let’s not.)
So it took me a long time to get to the point where I could instruct a guy about what works with me, and it had to be with a guy who was open and interested, and not one with his head in porn or who was listening to his buddies’ tips about what “worked” for them (or so they though). It’s hard to be “responsible” for your orgasm with an ignorant or judgmental guy. Which is why I applaud Honey’s forthrightness so much–she’s only 30 (correct?) and yet she’s telling it how it is with much more confidence than I had at her age. And sounds like she’s got a good lover, too!
[Harry and Sally discussing orgasms]
Sally Albright: Most women at one time or another have faked it.
Harry Burns: Well, they haven’t faked it with me.
Sally Albright: How do you know?
Harry Burns: Because I know.
Sally Albright: Oh. Right. Thats right. I forgot. You’re a man.
Harry Burns: What was that supposed to mean?
Sally Albright: Nothing. Its just that all men are sure it never happened to them and all women at one time or other have done it so you do the math.
Janet 29
Steve@26: Well, that’s all well and good if sex were a solitary affair. But it isn’t. It’s a situation where two people pleasure EACH OTHER. Otherwise it’s just masturbating together. (Which is also nice.
)
Joe 30
Well, I don’t know what it is, but my most recent lover discovered that two techniques she thought never worked on her somehow started working when we started screwing. One of them was discovered fairly soon because it basically worked right away, the other I tried initially but stopped bothering with because she said she never came that way.
So things you think don’t will ever happen–it’s not necessarily always going to be that way.
And I agree with Karl’s list. I’d just add: sometimes it makes a difference how long we’ve been going at it, because the longer it goes, the more tired I get, and the less likely coming becomes (so to speak).
Steve 31
@Janet #25
The way I see it, if the problem is with me the only way it is going to change is if I chose to do something about it. If the problem is consistently with a number of other people it isn’t realistic for me to expect a number of other people to change, even if they are the cause. If I want the situation to change I have to do what I can.
Honey 32
@ Janet – thanks!
I also remembered that I have another friend in her early 30s who has never had an orgasm, AT ALL. So whatever the cause, I’m sure there are tons of women out there who have trouble getting there. I’m sure I know many other women who haven’t had one, we’re just not close enough friends that they would necessarily share that with me. I also briefly dated a guy when I was in my early 20s who was in his late 20s, and he said that HE’D never been able to climax with a partner, and that was certainly true the one and only time we slept together (I would’ve continued to date, but he broke up with me, I think because he was embarrassed).
And if you really think about it, if it’s psychological that’s almost an easier issue to deal with than if it’s physical. If it’s physical then you have to get super creative to try and find a way, and there might not even be one. If it’s psychological, then you just have to be an awesome partner worthy of her trust and passion, and those doors will start to unlock.
Mara 33
Well it seems like it must be REALLY bad sex for a GUY to say sex is bad. Or maybe this girl isn’t just pretending the sex is fabulous for her because let’s face it, sometimes it is not so great for us either. Only once I met a partner where the sex was amazing pretty much every time that I started realizing that a lot of people who say sex isn’t all that important in a relationship are just not having good sex. That said, well sex with some people can be awesome from the beginning, for many, a 5 week relationship is not really that much time. Is the girl more on the shy side? Inexperienced? I know for many, many girls, they do not feel fully comfortable and able to just let go and have fun with it until there is a certain comfort level with the person. Maybe she’s between waxes, maybe she didn’t get a manicure, maybe she’s not sure exactly what she’s doing. The biggest question is she willing to keep at it. I think it’s better at this point that she is being honest about her orgasms and not pretending to have them. I also think it is a lot of pressure and annoying to feel like if she doesn’t have one it wasn’t a successful encounter. Of course it’s important, but if you take the pressure and judgement off and just let her have fun with it and enjoy the intimacy she will probably get more comfortable to explore what works for her eventually.
JB 34
@Janet #11 “Men get aroused and come quickly in about 7 minutes”
Weeeeee !!!!!!!!!!!
While this may be the text book statistical analysis of how the average male performs sexually. I can assure you and I sure hope some of the guys back me up on this. At 49 yrs old I can’t remember the last time I got it up and over with in 7 minutes…lol
Especially if I’m wearing a condom. Sure there’s the rare “quickie” but even then…. I know for a fact there are a lot of variables in everything in this thread but all men or women are not the same.Believe it or not some men can last a long time and assuming their women CAN have an orgasm we try to keep everything on an even keel as far as fulfilling needs etc. The problem I’ve run into recently is these women that can’t have an orgasm without a vibrator. So I tell them ..no problem bring it along next time and we’ll work together on it.
anette 35
After 5 weeks, the sex is horrible and you are going to give up? You honestly don’t sound like you care about her very much at all. You like her, but you dont’ “care” about her yet.
FIVE WEEKS? Good God. That’s nothing. I’d be concerned after maybe months and months of trying to please each other, not weeks.
For a lot of women that I’ve spoken to, the biggest issue is trust. If she doesn’t trust you, and sex is an emotional and intimate experience for her, she may not orgasm(let go around you) until she trusts you. And if she’s got a history of men, where they basically haven’t waited UNTIL the trust has occured, before they begin to become physical, she may end up with a mental block that basically stops her from ever trusting in that way.
I know, because that’s what’s happened to me. Too much sex, too soon and guys just expecting it all to happen quickly. They never want us to become emotional dependant on them, or share too much personal information, but boy do they expect physical intimacy immediately. It just doesn’t work that way for some women. It was horrible for me, because I ended up feeling like I’m “irritating” them, by not being able to orgasm. Even an attempt to talk about it, was met with “it’s your problem, no other girl I’ve known had this issue”.
Now I wait. I do not persue the physical side, until the emotional side has caught up and I trust the individual enough to talk, have fun, goof off, make mistakes and general enjoy sharing the experience together. And no I still haven’t had an orgasm “during” sex, but I have had them with a guy now, so it’s much better.
Guys pushing for an orgasm and pushing for sex before some-one is truly ready, can be the biggest turn-off of all in my experience and just because a lot of women have sex very quickly in a relationship these day’s, doesn’t mean those women are actually ready for it. I thought I was, but I realize now, I wasn’t.
For any woman struggling to orgasm or enjoy sex the way they are ‘supposed” to(according to the male standard anyway), don’t get physical too soon. Find out if, he’s really going to be some-one you can trust and who will make the effort with you, even if it takes time because it’s YOU he cares about, not just the sex. If he wont’ do this, he’s the wrong guy.
Kat 36
In my experience, a lot of women have hang-ups that prevent them from enjoying sex. Like? They think they’re fat, or they’re conflicted about the Madonna/whore thing or they fear pregnancy or they feel like it’s “dirty” or they say they’re OK with NSA sex but really aren’t OK …. And, a lot of women haven’t taken the time to explore what feels good for them and what doesn’t. So, how can they share that with a partner if they don’t even know that for themselves?
And, maybe guys aren’t selfish; maybe they’re ignorant, too ( I think a lot are).
I do agree that it’s troubling if a guy calls the sex terrible if the woman can’t orgasm; there are lots of ways to have fun and intimacy without an orgasm. Still, that may get old after a while and obviously there’s some ego involved.
But five weeks is an awfully short time to abandon someone who, in all other respects, is a good partner (although how can anyone even know that so soon?) If you’re both open to talking and exploring, then that’s a great start.
I once dated a guy who didn’t like to go down on women. I love oral sex, giving and receiving. I wondered how long I’d be OK with it. We were together about 10 months; whatever he lacked orally he made up in other ways. We ultimately split, but it wasn’t because of that. However, I think in the long run it would have become an issue.
Maybe you need to reevaluate what “great”sex is. Sometimes, it really isn’t the hanging off the chandelier kind of sex …
wanderlust76 37
I’m so bookmarking this just for the comments alone…I’ve seen this same subject discussed a hundred times where it was the man that was awful in bed and the advice from women always amounts to…”welp, he’s gotta go, sex is too important!!” Come now ladies let’s have some consistency.
wanderlust 38
One other quick thought – When you discuss sex you have to remember many people have unrealistic or unhealthy views of sex due to, porn, pop culture, the media, movies, television, magazines, the whole nine yards. Our society ruined sex in a way.
hunter 39
Janet, #11, a womans side to side movement will keep a man going, longer than seven minutes.
I
hunter 40
I have with a number of, not so good partners in bed, and none were my own private discovery. I remember, one even had two previous engthy marriages, before I met her.
I agree, that some women need professional help, ’cause, I remember trying to teach/talk to them about bedtime techniques, to no avail……….they just felt judged, or hurt by what I said…..
Dot LeSage 41
It’s definitely too soon to be giving up! Have you really tried everything to please your partner? Given the wide variety of options I doubt you’ve had time in 5 weeks! I think it’s easy for guys to get caught up in the idea that sex means one thing: your penis in her vagina. But shouldn’t it really be about the two of you enjoying yourselves and each other? Have you tried toys? Manually stimulating her? Mutual masturbation? Is it possible for her to give herself an orgasm? If it is, then it’s possible for you to give her one too. It will just take patience and practice. And what a fun thing to practice!
It sounds like the two of you get along great in every other way. Don’t you think it’s worth the effort to fix this one issue?
ad 42
one of the best books i’ve ever read on sex is John Gray’s “men are from mars” in the bedroom.
He explains how to approach these problems and how to fix them, how to really please a woman.
another good one — more technical, but still good, believe it or not comes in the four hour diet book.
you would be surprised how many men, even 40 year olds, have no idea what to do. after a lifetime of sleeping with men who have no clue what to do or how to bring a woman to orgasm, we women sometimes give up and say it’s not important, and it’s only important to please you.
i bet if you read these books and applied some of their knowledge on how to please a woman, things would change.
NonExist 43
Seems like they both just benefit from trying to open up more and communitcate to each other as well as try different things to arouse both of their interests and enjoyment.
And if those do not work and they stay together they can see a sexual counselor to see if the problem is more psychological.
As far as young men being ignorant that is true.