4 Reasons That You Hate

4 Reasons That You Hate

It’s normal to hate the guy who cheated on you. But how about the guy who slept with you but didn’t want to commit? Or the woman who married your beloved ex-boyfriend? Or the person who always posts those happy family photos on Facebook? In this episode, we’ll explore the sources of hate, and I’ll let you know who I found myself hating, quite irrationally.

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  1. 1

    In some circumstances I think hatred is justified, and perhaps even helpful.  For instance, I’m glad I came to hate certain controlling exes who treated me badly.  That hatred spurred me on to leave them and get myself out of situations that were bad for me.

    However, I do try to overcome irrational hatred, which really is a waste of energy.  I used to hate those people who posted happy family photos on Facebook–which I admit is irrational.  It’s not like their happiness took something away from me.  Perhaps it wasn’t hatred per se, but more like envy, that they seemed to have what I wanted so badly, but seemed so elusive.  But perhaps even that’s not the most rational reason either.  It’s not like their happy family photos were somehow preventing me from finding someone (and as it turns out, they didn’t–I found someone!)

    I also once had this irrational hatred and envy of these young, pretty girls who joined our meetup group (and they’re very intelligent too, so I couldn’t even write them off as bimbos).  I thought that even if some eligible guys ever joined that group, those guys would just flock to them and they’d somehow prevent me from finding someone.

    Well, now those same girls are actually good friends of mine!  As it turns out, they both ended up dating men I wasn’t even interested in.  They didn’t “take” any potential dates away from me, so I got myself into a twist over something that never even happened!

    When I think about it, the irrational hatred had more to do with myself and my own insecurities than with the people I hated.  Once I became happier, got more comfortable in my own skin and found a compatible guy–I found that hatred went away (and then when they were so happy for me about finding someone and sent me such nice messages…I felt really bad that I ever hated them!)


  2. 2

    Awesome podcast Evan!  I so enjoy listening to you.  I feel like I get a little analyzed and delve into a deeper understanding of myself each time 🙂  And, I don’t hate you because you tell it like it is, I embrace it.  Thank you,

  3. 3

    Small-minded people elevate themselves by putting others down. Happens across all facets of life (business/work and personal/love arena’s).
    Many years ago someone told me (in a business context, but you can translate across into other environments):
    “First class people hire other first class people for their talents and skills, and are more than happy when they succeed (including their getting promoted above the boss that hired them);
    Second class people hire third class people to make sure that they don’t succeed and will never be promoted above them…”

    Hating someone simply because they’ve “done better” than you have is a waste of time, effort & energy – rather befriend that person and learn from them so that you can “do it better” yourself, and hopefully then inspire others to do like-wise.

    And this is why we “hang out” with Evan (and most of us play nicely on his blog) 😉

  4. 4

    Good podcast. The example of the bf who didn’t flip out when his gf invited her ex to thanksgiving dinner. It resonates for me because I have to remind myself all the time not to react with emotion and when I can’t separate the emotion to just walk away until I can. When I come back it’s amazing how differently I can see a situation.

    1. 4.1

      That’s a really good point Em. Reflection usually brings clarity:)

  5. 5

    Caroline, I’m a naturally confrontational person (not in a nasty way but I’m just prone to want to confront the problem that’s in front of me so I can get it out of my view). that was probably the most important thing I learned working through a rough time in my marriage. Just because it’s my first reaction doesn’t mean it’s the right reaction 🙂

  6. 6

    Thank you, Evan 🙂 I very much enjoy listening to your podcasts. Your thoughts may seem radical to some, but they are honest thoughts, and that should be appreciated. This was enlightening.

  7. 7

    I don’t ever feel hate.
    I only feel short bursts of righteous anger.  😉

    But seriously, I never hang onto hate, it only eats away at your happiness.

  8. 8

    Evan, I love your new podcast!! And I love how open and honest you are about what you think and the way you break it all down – it’s refreshing and entertaining. Thanks for putting it all out there 🙂

  9. 9
    Anna Smith

    Love it!  Totally agree!  my exact words to many that try to get me engaged in hate….. Who cares!!   Yes I sometimes wish I had so much more, like a wonderful relationship but I immediately remind myself to think what’s really going on… 😉😉.  Thanks Evan!!

    Hoping someday Evan will speak on my biggest dilemma…. I’m attractive enough to get lots of attention from even guys in their 30s (I’m 50s) no interest in anyone under 49 but the really great guys that would be wonderful partners… Look so old to me its like kissing grampa…ugh.  I can’t force myself to be attracted to these guys and they are not patient enough to wait a for my attraction to develop..

  10. 10

    I disagree with the comment that you should not be angry after someone decides not to be long term after a year. Most people men and women know who they are going to marry within a short period of time. It doesn’t take them a year to decide.

    1. 10.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      You are speaking only for yourself. The average time it takes for people to get married is close to 2 1/2 years.

      1. 10.1.1
        Suzy Q

        Does that include the year+ engagement and wedding planning?

        Personally I think people should date/live together longer and have shorter engagements. But then it takes time to plan a wedding that costs three times what you make in a year and put your parents into debt in their twilight years, so that you can divorce 4 years later, LOL.

        Seriously to each his own but there’s far too much emphasis today IMO on the fancy wedding and not on the marriage.


        1. Christine

          I definitely agree there that the “wedding porn” is out of control nowadays!  Don’t get me wrong, I think weddings are great and fun, but never understood the need for fancy ones.  To me, it’s about the love people share, not the fancy wedding cake or designer dress (that you’ll only wear once anyway).

          In the end, weddings are still just one day…while the marriage is the rest of your lives!  The wedding is just the start.

  11. 11

    I don’t agree with the previous comment that you should “hate” anyone. I think hating someone is like swallowing poison and expecting it to effect the other person. Go through the appropriate emotions, forgive and move on!

    1. 11.1

      Well, I agree with going through the appropriate emotions and eventually moving on, but am not sure about the “forgive” part.  I’m not sure that anyone is necessarily obligated to forgive someone who has truly wronged them.  If certain people can forgive and that helps them heal, great–but if others can’t, then I think that’s their prerogative and don’t think they should force themselves to forgive a person who hurt them.

      I often hear how you have to forgive to be able to heal and move on, but I’m not sure how true that is. I’ve been able to forgive most of my exes.  However, there is also one who I don’t think I will ever forgive for his underhanded cruelty.

      I was still able to recover from this “unforgiven” ex about as well (and at about the same speed) as I was from the “forgiven” ones before–and was eventually able to find the healthy relationship I have now.  At least in my own experience, forgiveness (or lack thereof) didn’t actually factor that much into how well or how fast I recovered from a broken relationship.

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