Can You Change Your Man?

People can change, but they only change when they want to change, not because you want them to change. So, why would a man want to change? Because the value of making you happy is more important than the value of him digging in his heels. On this Love U Podcast, discover the four essential questions to when you want to change your man.

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Comments:

  1. 1
    Persephone

    I had the opposite situation. First, my husband wanted to change me.  Or rather he couldn’t accept the idea that I had changed–at least physically–and wanted me to stay the same as the day he met me. I was in law school when we met, so I warned him about what was coming.  I started studying for the bar exam at night while working a full time job, so I was not in the perfect physically fit shape that I had been when he and I met. (But not ugly, either.)  It was simply not possible.  Starting my own law practice was demanding, also. Part of being in a relationship that stays for the long run is realizing that people go through reasonable changes, or age, or lose jobs, or go through illnesses.  While you cannot try to change someone, you cannot freeze someone in time, either.

    Second, my husband wanted to change himself because he did not seem happy with who he was, but he didn’t  want to go through the actual work to make that change. I loved him and was fine with what he did for a living and who he was as a person–until he became yelly.  He seemed almost jealous that I was about to sit for the Bar Exam, and start a law practice, while he was working in retail.  I was supportive of his efforts to “look into” picking up his class for a real estate license, or to investigate opening a business of his own such as a restaurant, but each time he would go through this process he ended it with frustration and yelling at me. The yelling escalated into him pulling my hair and shoving, because I just “would not listen” on the correct way to pull back the shower curtain or let the air out of the plastic garbage bag after taking out the trash. I filed 4 police reports, and fled numerous times at wee hours of the night to sleep in my car.  He was the one who wanted to change himself–and me–yet he was in too much fear to change.  Looking back, I would say that he was afraid I was moving forward and he was jealous because he was not.

    As a side note, the bed story is hilarious.  And appropriate.  During my marriage I compromised on the bed situation, also. My husband hated sheets and wanted to use blankets as sheets because they didn’t wrinkle and he could make the bed quickly. I have always gotten up before him so he is the one who made the bed.  They are cumbersome to wash. Now that I am divorced, I could breathe a sight of relief that I can use sheets again and easily wash them at least weekly.  But I would have rather kept my marriage and kept the blankets. That was not the issue in our marriage. I could sleep on a dog bed in a corner and be happy.

    1. 1.1
      DeeGee

      Persephone said: “I loved him and was fine with what he did for a living and who he was as a person

      It sounds to me like he was very insecure that you would become the higher earner in the relationship.  The relationship dynamic where the husband earns more than the wife has been common for many decades (centuries?) now, and is only changing recently.  I feel it will take a few more decades before more men can handle the change.  A lot of men still put their masculine value into their work and earning potential.

  2. 2
    kim

    can you please not use slide show? or video play. I would rather want to read it than watching video or listening. Can you please do this just for us who loves to read?

    1. 2.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      It’s a podcast. It’s inherently a listening medium. We also provide, free of charge, the ability to watch it on YouTube.

      If you’d like to subsidize a transcript of the podcast for others who prefer to read their podcasts as opposed to listening to them, I’d be pleased to offer this service as well. Thanks.

  3. 3
    S.

    Four Questions You Should Ask

    1. Is what you are asking a reasonable request?

    2. Does changing significantly impact his life?

    3.  Is your need for him to change more important than his desires?

    4. Does your boyfriend want to make you happy more than he wants not to change?

    Good questions. 🙂

    I thought I wouldn’t like the call part of the podcast.  Really was tired and wanted to skim, not listen.  But Sue was so delightful and the discussion useful to me right now. I was about to pre-emptive strike and break up. Just like Sue! It feels uncomfortable and you’re out.  But ‘does the good outweigh the bad’ and ‘knowing we don’t have to decide everything right now’ was good advice. I felt like I got some coaching.  Sue is four months in, I’m two months in.   Time will tell what things you can really live with and what you can’t.

    “Give him time to become indispensable.” Hmm. I don’t understand that part.  Why would she want him to become indispensable before figuring out if she could accept his flaws?  Wouldn’t that be too late? Shouldn’t she figure out about the flaws first and then if she accepts, then let him become indispensable? Cause it’s hard to leave someone who is that necessary to your life.  Seems best to me if you can’t accept him figure that out first before getting more attached.

    Enough questions! Thanks for the free advice!

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