Do You Feel Like You’re Not Good Enough?

loveu-podcast-episode-45

You’re not alone. Even though I claim to have enough confidence to transfer to millions of women around the world, I, too have been plagued by anxiety, depression and self-doubt. In this Love U Podcast, I’m going to share how you can take a lifetime of negativity and turn it around in 7 steps, so you can attract the man you deserve.

Give yourself the Believe in Love gift.

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Comments:

  1. 1
    Malika

    Your diary entry from your 20’s struck a chord. The exclusive focus on your failures, feeling divorced from society, the overblown expectations that you have of yourself in that period of your life. It all reminded me of a couple of periods of my 20’s that were so bad, i wonder if i could have gotten through them without the support from my family and friends (and a very good therapy group!). It’s very tempting to look at how your life is now with your family and successful business and to assume that you have had a blessed life, but you make clear that you have had to struggle through some very challenging times in order to get there. It gives hope for the rest of us.

    A friend and i were talking about the difference between watching Rafael Nadal and Roger Federer watching tennis. He said at one point that he preferred watching Roger Federer as he made it seem like he has an inborn, almost magical talent, that his success is effortless. In sharp contrast, you can see that Rafael Nadal got to where he was through blood, sweat and tears and he felt that made him less appealing to watch, a mere mortal who got to the top through sheer hard work.  While i get what he was saying (and don’t totally agree, i think they both have outstanding talent and have clocked many hours of laser focused training), I actually find the people who show that they overcame challenges and got to success by putting in great effort, way more inspiring. So thank you for sharing some of your more vulnerable moments.

    My favourite tenet of the 7 is ‘Operate from a mindset of abundance rather than scarcity’. Dating can seem like such a minefield, that it feels as if you are better off settling down with someone who you don’t have a real connection with, but hey at least he is there. I have tried it, and it feels as if you are dating a stranger, someone who you are polite to, but don’t feel any affection towards. That tenet has set me free from those experiences, and while dating is still challenging, i date from a place of hope, rather than resignation.

     

     

     

    1. 1.1
      Adrian

      Hi Malika,

      Though I completely agree with you; I fear that in the realm of dating people prefer the person who seems like a natural over the person who had to work hard… at least in the beginning.

      It may be different in Australia where you are from but here in the U.S. women want men to just seem like they know what they are doing when it comes to courting, sex, taking the lead, and in relationships in general.

      Most people associate being naturally good at dating (not too good or you come off as a player) with confidence and skill level. The person who you can see (that is very important) that they have to work to plan good dates, make the woman laugh, please her in bed, etc lose respect from women (this is a generalization of course).

      Both the guy who is a natural and the guy who puts in a hard work, have to work to impress the woman on dates but the difference is that she doesn’t want to see it or know about it-again he can’t appear too good. With the natural guy she says we had chemistry, with the guy who put in work she says he tried to hard; how many times have you heard a woman say, “just let it naturally happen or if it was meant to be”?

      No one likes to admit it-especially about themselves- but people want the fantasy in the courting stages of dating.

      People seek passionate love and that great story, not the boring slow getting to know your partner until you like them and then eventually slowing growing to love them story that requires hard work and patience.

      1. 1.1.1
        Malika

        Hi Adrian:

        The analogy was more about people who have struggled in life versus people who hold up a perfect facade and pretend that they have never encountered a blip in their lives. Yet, yes, i agree with you, women (and men!) prefer dating people who know how to be their best selves while dating and relationships.

        The thing is, anybody can learn to be a better date and partner. Whether it’s via reading Evan’s blog, good old fashioned creation of self awareness, or a combination of both, we can see what holds us back and what moves us forward. So what, if you are awkward at first when it comes to small talk or deliberating how to tackle a thorny subject or, more mundanely, planning the most enjoyable dinner date? Practice makes perfect. Thanks to Evan i learnt to be more relaxed and less over analytical when dating, to take each day as it comes, be atuned to my dates needs instead of just my own, to let go of my past, and dozens of other skills. Was it at first natural? Absolutely not! But I have gotten better at it as time goes by.

        The times i have broken off dating someone who was making an effort was when i did not feel chemistry (i would have felt the same lack of chemistry if he had texted me once a week, stared with open mouth at the 22 year old cute waitress and zoned out during our conversations), or if i felt smothered by his overenthusiasm (which had at its core the same problem of lack of chemistry). If I liked a dude and he made an effort when dating? That made me even more enthusiastic. Chemistry doesn’t have to be this huge hormonal rush. An inkling that he is a great guy, and that i am attracted to him, is enough to keep me enthusiastic and interested.

        As for the notion that if a guy is ‘too’ good, that he comes across as a player, i don’t know if that is possible. The times someone came across as a player to me is if they were employing obvious PUA techniques such as negging and pushing for sex right from the start blocks or who bragged to me about his conquests. This does not scream potential boyfriend material to me, so i therefore skedaddle.  A colleague of mine is a smooth talker, awesome company and, if you get to know him, the owner of a heart of gold. While it would be easy to judge him as almost too slick, ladies who stick around find him lovely and highly desirable. That to me does not sound like player, it sounds like a good date.

        PS: Not Australian, but Northern European! And yes, things can be different over here when it comes to dating, but not majorly so.

  2. 2
    Lisa

    Thank you for sharing this personal diary entry with us. It really is sad :(. You always come off so strong and confident, it boggles me that even you used to have self-doubts. At the same time it gives me a perspective that my anxiety will end up going away too.

    It’s obvious you are very intelligent and competent and the kid you once were was right, you did end up doing something really special. You are a welll-known dating coach now who helps thousands of women all around the world. That is awesome I personally think.

     

  3. 3
    Adrian

    The first half was beautiful. I think the more arrogant you are when you are young, the harder you fall when reality hits you.

    This of course is just a normal part of being young because all young people are a mixture of insecurity while simultaneously being arrogant. It is all on a spectrum of course and it usually only last until late 20’s to early 30’s.

    But reality always hits. Unfortunately from what I have observed the aftermath of being knocked from their pedestal leaves people in one of three categories:

    1). Those that rebound and become better people

    2). Those that won’t except that they are not as great as they thought they were

    3). Those that never recover

    Applying those three to the dating world would be:

    1). The great catch who chooses a partner based on character and not merely looks or money-though they could easily date someone better looking or more successful.

    2). The 40+ person who is still very picky and always finds some outside excuse as to why no quality person wants to date them long term-though they can easily attract the opposite sex and get various dates weekly.

    3). The person who does not compromise but actually settles; they mistake being open to dating someone different and not being too picky for have very low, to no standards.

    The third is the hardest for me to describe though I have seen it countless times. It is usually with women who were very very attractive when they were young.

  4. 4
    John

    Adrian said:

    1). The great catch who chooses a partner based on character and not merely looks or money-though they could easily date someone better looking or more successful.

    Its far easier to date a character than to find a date with character.

    1. 4.1
      Adrian

      Hi John,

      But is this not why we Americans have so many rules in place to help us date?

      Being honest people always complain about how shallow dating based off looks is but at least that is not time consuming.  It takes time to get to know someone for who they truly are.

      No mask is permanent, they always eventually slip off. The trick is to not get to emotionally invested until it does and you see their true character.

      …   …   …

      As far as the subject of the podcast, I find that many people can be confident and still have low self-esteem.

      Confidence is subject specific whereas self-esteem is an overall perspective of one’s self. I think it says a lot about a person’s self-value or self-worth if they “have” to only date the most attractive, the most successful, the most popular person.

      Many people don’t date certain people just because they like them, they date them people others want them, this validates their self-worth. This is why I said a great catch that can date the hottest guy or girl but still chooses the average partner that possess a great personality is the healthiest to me.

      …   …   …

      I have noticed also that the most common example of this is the person who has a health self-esteem but lack confidence in the area of dating.

  5. 5
    John

    Hi Adrian

    You said:

    “As far as the subject of the podcast, I find that many people can be confident and still have low self-esteem.”

    Yes and no. True confidence comes from high self-esteem. That doesn’t mean cockiness, but as sense of feeling good about yourself when you know all the good and bad things about yourself. If you feel ashamed about who you are, that is a tough place to be. If you feel shame about your less than stellar behavior, that is a better choice. False confidence is when you appear confident, but you are trembling inside. It is the “fake it ’til you make it” strategy. When I first started performing in public, I felt like I wanted to run off stage; but with practice and courage, I kept at it until the fear disappeared.

    I think what makes dating a challenging adventure is discerning between vulnerability and neediness. If a person can be comfortable in their own skin, it is highly attractive. If a person comes off as lonely, most people do not want to be around them.

    I asked a woman on a date who had a hairstyle that covered half of her face. When I picked her up for the first date I noticed a long scar on the side of her face. Her hair was somewhat covering the scar up when I first met her. At dinner, I asked her how she got the scar. She told me the story with a bit of hesitancy. A few days later she said she was surprised that I asked her about it. I can only guess that since I didn’t make a big deal out it, she felt accepted. Her story and her courage to tell it brought me closer to her instantly. We were lovers for about six months. She told me that no one ever listened to her story about her scar without giving advice or appearing uncomfortable. Her vulnerability was the most attractive thing about her.

    The vulnerability she showed on our first date felt like an honor to hear. I not only heard it, but I received it. How she acted from that moment was amazing; she completely trusted me. I was honored that she trusted me.

    I said in my last post that it is easier to date a character than date someone with character.

    What I meant by that is it is easier to wear a mask than it is to be vulnerable and authentic. You will usually end up dating the person’s representative than the real person. A person’s mask is usually not of high character.

     

     

    1. 5.1
      Adrian

      Hi John

      The only thing I disagree with in your great comment is when you said, “A person’s mask is usually not of high character.

      Mask help devils appear as saints and pigs appear as princes. True characters of even the best of people are flawed and it is up to our own maturity level to see past “normal” human flaws and accept a person for who they really are instead of always seeking the fantasy.

      …    …    …

      You said you perform on stage, are you a comedian or something of that nature?

      What advice can you give that can be transferred using your techniques of stage fright and approaching women?

      I would assume the the fear of not being able to get a positive response and therefore risking rejection from a crowd of strangers is easily relatable to trying to ask out a woman who may reject you.

      1. 5.1.1
        judy

        A person’s mask is usually not of a high character???

        I don’t agree.

        What about those who are shy?

        Or, a recent case, my brother died and although I did not go round grinning, I tried hard to not appear as miserable and unhappy as I felt.  This latter instance to me is good manners (so as not to make others unhappy) and privacy.

        But it is a mask, yes? Is it “not of high character”????? Methinks that this is something to think over in a more tolerant light, perhaps.

        1. John

          Judy

          Keeping  your grief to yourself in public is a different thing than I’m referring to. It is wise to not break down and start bawling when your on the bus.

          The lack of character in a person’s mask while dating or in a relationship hides the person’s true self. Said person will lie to keep the charade going and can put you in a compromising position.

  6. 6
    FG

    “Not good enough” rarely seems the issue! Through observation, we might instead latch on to the “overinflated sense of self-worth” that seems prevalent in people who have trouble finding a partner.

    Again, nuances: the challenges are quite different at a younger age than what we encounter later on. The dating pool eventually becomes a rarefied environment. Many immature, unevolved candidates, who in spite of reaching their 50’s, seemingly still abide by earlier life habits, expectations and scenarios.

    Some women herein (the comment section) keep saying there are no good men out there, and also vaunt their own merits. For younger women (20’s, 30’s and even 40’s) either they are not fishing in the right pond(s), or they are self-deluded as to their own relationship market value. We often read a lot of bitternes in their comments. Always, there are exceptions: if you are “the” (female) MD in a two-horse town, your pool of potential partners is not even rarefied, it is non-existent.

    We would love to hear what specific factors derailed past relationships. Interestingly, most people never debrief themselves, meaning they never analyze what went wrong and killed the partnership. Pity, as it is a very valid exercise. Learn and be aware of the mistakes of the past to avoid repeating them in the future! If the slightest inconvenience or disagreement causes a rift, there is a serious problem. If ALL the issues lie with the former partner, there may be a perception problem. If only “Wow, a knack for wrong choices! Fooled by chemistry, were you?”

    And the list goes on!

    You’re good enough for a proper match. Not good enough (in the beholder’s eye) for a person of inflated self-worth. Rejoice in the fact that they will not have the opportunity to make you profoundly unhappy. Too good for trash, or even for decent people who simply can’t hold their own. Or feel awkward in your presence. Etc.

  7. 7
    John

    Hi Adrian

    Adrian said:
    What advice can you give that can be transferred using your techniques of stage fright and approaching women?
    Both situations require the same skill. When I was on stage singing, this voice in my head said that the audience would boo me off the stage. It was a convincing argument to me. Singing in front of an audience is one of the most  vulnerable things you could ever do. To sing with conviction and emotion, you must reveal your inner self to a group of drunk strangers. Scary stuff.

    The way I dealt with a stage fright and overcame it was to become conscious of it. Once I was aware that I was feeling this way I could question it. One of my questions was, “how do I know that the audience is going to boo me?” The answer was, “I have no idea if they will;  keep singing.”  I also focused on my breath and my technique of singing. So my attention was on my performance and making it great; not the opinion  of the audience.

    The way it relates to dating is that when you go up to women to ask her out, this big voice of rejection will run through your mind.  You must become conscious of this voice and deal with it directly. If you begin to question the doubt in your head, that’s the beginning of the road to success. Of course, the truth is you’ll never know whether she will reject you until you ask.  It feels safer to stay silent instead of taking the risk. But those who take risks are rewarded, and women love men who take risks. I think part of the reason women unconsciously like men to ask them out is because it shows confidence. Somebody once told me that because of our tribal past, the fear to approach an attractive woman was very valid. Because the alpha males got the pick of the best women, and the other males were not allowed to mate with them. So talking to attractive women could get you killed in the old days. Maybe some of that fear comes from the memories stored on that old reptilian brain of ours.

    One other thing I can say is to start approaching women and asking them benign questions. For example, Ask them what time it is or ask them for directions. You’ll get comfortable interacting with women and then you can ask them out.  Approaching a woman in the grocery store and building rapport quickly and getting the phone number is not an easy task.  Start with the simple stuff and progress to the more difficult stuff. It’s kind a like wading into the shallow end of the pool before you go to the deep end. I hope that was helpful.

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