How to Apologize (and mean it)!

I have a big mouth and have never had an opinion I haven’t voiced. Nonetheless, I am happily married. How is that possible? Well, for one, I have a cool, patient, thick-skinned wife. But the other reason is that I know how to apologize – both frequently and effectively. Apologizing is a vital skill set for anyone who wants to be married. Join me on today’s Love U Podcast to learn how.

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Comments:

  1. 1
    Adrian

    Hi Marika,

    After you listen to this podcast I would like to ask you a few questions about the first caller’s issue…

    ..

    .

    Okay so I assume that you have listened to the podcast before reading this and therefore I am not spoiling it for you. (^_^)

     

    So Marika I would like your thoughts on a few questions that came to me as I was listening-in no particular order

    1).  I agree that dating someone insecure is emotionally draining but how do you separate when to put your own emotional needs first and when to put your trust in your partner over your own uncertainties?

    What I mean is, if you know that your partner’s ex’s still desires them should you hold in your apprehensions just to not bother your partner and make them feel uncomfortable?

    If he or she said that they love you and never would cheat on you then does that mean that even though their ex still wants them you are wrong and showing signs of not trusting them if you say something about not liking them hanging with this ex when you or no else is around?

    So again I’m asking, how do you separate when to put your own emotional needs first and when to put your trust in your partner over your own uncertainties?

    I know that you are really big on not holding in how you feel about something but I also know that you are really big on trusting 100% until being given a reason not to-this is why I am asking you these questions. (^_^)

     

    2).  Does it always mean that you are insecure if you feel uncomfortable about someone you love always hanging out, going places alone, calling, texting, and going to their home, etc…

    Yes you trust them but you know that the person they call “just a friend” is in love with or at the very least desires to be with them… Do your fear of losing them because they are always in contact with someone that is trying to take them away make you insecure?

     

    2. b).  The other side to this question is, does your partner getting upset that you feel this way show something negative about their character or does it just show that you two are not compatible?

    What I mean is… He or she said you should trust them and I agree you should and therefore it is understandable if they get upset at you for questioning their integrity and fidelity but is their annoyance also a sign of selfishness or at the very least a lack of understanding (or caring for) your feelings?

     

    3).  A person who not only did not get jealous but actually encouraged you to hang out with your ex’s if you wanted, is that healthy? How do you differentiate between a person who has 100% trust in you and a person who just doesn’t have the level of emotional investment in you or the relationship to care if someone else was actively pursuing you when they were not around?

    3. b).  Should our goals as a boyfriend/girlfriend be to become completely indifferent to other men/women approaching, flirting with, asking out our partners? If an ex who is actively (though subtly) trying to win them back comes along should our goals be to shrug it off if he or she wants to go hang with that ex?… This is assuming of course that our partner has never given us a reason to mistrust them.

    I guess I am just having trouble understanding the difference between a person who has 100% trust in you and a person who just doesn’t have the level of emotional investment in you or the relationship and as their boyfriend/girlfriends should we just not concern ourselves if an attractive ex or anyone of the opposite sex came along and tried to seduce them because that would be showing that we do not trust them?

    1. 1.1
      Nissa

      Hey Adrian – here’s my two cents:

      1) Do what you can. Don’t do more than that. If it continues to bother you or you have ongoing negative emotions about it, that means you are doing more than you can. Go directly back to point one.

      2)If you can’t get past your partner hanging out, etc. it doesn’t automatically mean they are insecure. It may just be crap they don’t want to deal with in a relationship. Best to just both say what you want to do, and see if it matches. If yes, then great. If not, don’t bother arguing about it, just find someone who does match.

      3)a. Is it healthy to trust your partner and agree on what constitutes appropriate boundaries? Yes. How to know the difference? Ask yourself if you are genuinely giving your partner cause to worry. If yes, then agree to change your behavior or tell her it’s something you don’t plan to change (in which case it may be a dealbreaker for her).

      3)b. I think you have to talk about what you are willing to accept. Then it’s just a case of sticking to what you have agreed to do.

      Now, I say this as someone who has zero contact with her ex’s and prefer my partner to have zero contact as well (assuming they don’t have kids together). But I also feel that if he’s with me, even if he met with her, I shouldn’t have cause to worry if he has established that he wants me over all others. This is how I am with my friends’s husbands – even if we are alone together, there’s no cause for worry, because it’s my personal integrity to not mess with someone who is in a relationship. If my SO asked me to end a friendship that didn’t mean much to me, why wouldn’t I end that, in favor of my more significant relationship? Keeping my husband happy is more important to me than chatting to some guy I used to know.

    2. 1.2
      Marika

      Hi Adrian

      Hope all is well with you.

      Thank you for your questions, but I’m actually not sure I’m the best person to ask as I’ve never remained friends with an ex. For me, an ex is an ex for a reason, and I actually think (at least for me), it’s hard to do the transition from lover to friend. I like to make a clean break.

      That being said, I don’t get to dictate to other people (including my SO) whether they have the same policy. In terms of ‘holding it in’, no I don’t think you should. I don’t think you should make them feel wrong or issue ultimatums or whatever, but if something bothers you a lot, I think you have to raise it or it festers and turns into resentment. I can see both sides: I can see this issue bothering people and I can also see the side of the person saying that they should be able to be friends with whoever they like.

      Yes, trust is important. But if it’s excessive and they’re seeing the ex daily or chatting on the phone all the time, or going over to their house and never inviting you or without telling you & you find out later, then I personally think that’s crossed a line. But, really, you get to put the line wherever. If you can only handle being with someone who cuts off contact with exes when in a new relationship, that can be a deal breaker for you & that’s okay. Probably lots of people are the same.

      I’m wondering though if you asked me this because of the whole thing about previous lovers? If so, I should clarify that I see a big difference between getting upset about someone’s past (IMO, never okay), and getting upset about something they are doing now (open to conversation and compromise). Very different, in my book.

      I like the suggestion of having a relationship ‘plan’ Evan talked about. I actually tried to do this with my ex-husband and he wouldn’t have a bar of it, but I think it’s useful to get on the same page in terms of time spent together, time with friends, chores etc, and you could maybe include ‘time spent with exes’ as part of this? So you agree together on what’s reasonable? Again, though, no expert on this topic 🙂

    3. 1.3
      Sylvana

      I think both Nissa and Marika replied wonderfully.

      Personally, I have remained friends with a few of my exes. But only with those were it was obvious and clear that we no longer had any interest in each other sexually or romantically. Even if one of us would still be willing to jump into bed with the other, that would instantly change the moment either one of us enters another relationship. With other words – we are true friends. And, as such, respectful of each other and each other’s relationships.

      To me, ANY person who goes after someone in a relationship (I don’t care if it’s your ex you’re going after) needs a serious adjustment of moral standards. Actually, I’d also recommend counseling to help that person move on.

      And I also wonder about the mental state of the person who feels a need to keep being friends/hang out with someone who is constantly pursuing them.  At some point, one would think the situation would get a little uncomfortable – UNLESS there is some sort of mutual interest there. Or the person is in dire need of the ego boost.

      If you had someone (an ex, a simple good friend, a person you barely know), that you have no interest in (which you have expressed), and that person would still keep trying to be with you or sleep with you, wouldn’t you eventually just remove yourself from the situation? Would you, at the very least, not stop encouraging further meetings? Even if you were single?

      After all, if you’re truly not interested in them, would you not consider it unwanted attention?

      Now, throw a new partner into the mix, and one would think you’d remove yourself from the situation even quicker. Not only are YOU receiving a bunch of unwanted attention, the person you’re hanging out with is also showing a blatant disrespect for your new partner.

      If I’m in a relationship I value, I’m not going to give another person enough power to compromise my relationship. If that means we can no longer be friends because the other person cannot take no for an answer, so be it.

      As to insecurities – I think that very much depends on your partner’s reaction to being “hit-on”. While I believe that trust should be given, I also believe that trust needs to be earned. In general, I firmly believe actions speak louder than words. If you ensure your partner that they have nothing to worry about, then keep meeting someone in private (or just without your partner) who you both know is trying to get you into bed, I’d say your actions are contradicting your words.

      I understand that in case of children contact has to be maintained between exes. But if the ex is mentally troubled enough to not be able to let go, I would actually want my new partner around whenever we have to meet (even if only at a distance to witness the meeting), because there’s no telling what else the mentally troubled ex might try to do to jeopardize either me or my relationship.

      Then there is the third player to consider: The person pursuing you. If they cannot get over wanting to be with you (in whichever way), then I would also feel the need to end hanging out with them further for their own sake. I have no interest in hurting someone. Being rejected repeatedly (even if it is their own fault) is likely to hurt them. So, if they cannot let go, I would stop encouraging them by stopping all contact.

      Now, if the person you’re hanging out with (or your partner is hanging out with) is just a friend (ex or not), and it is clear by their ACTIONS that they have no interest in you/your partner, or even if they had interest, they would never act on it, I see nothing wrong with the meetings/friendship.

      And even if the friendship is completely platonic and harmless, if my partner expressed a worry about it, I would at the very least try to avoid hanging out with the other person without my partner present also.

      On the other hand, I also understand your worry about not seeming to care enough. I’ve been accused of it a time or two, when I ignored someone’s over-the-top flirting with my partner since I trusted my partner not to act on it. My partner straight up told me that that came across not as trust, but as if I didn’t care at all. Apparently, he found the flirting unacceptable, and would have been upset if the roles were reversed. So there definitely is such a thing as trusting too much appearing as not caring all that much.

      What it comes down to is that you should find a partner with as close as possible to the same ideas as to what is acceptable and what is not. And this should be discussed openly, that way you both know where you stand. Once you both know, you can both at accordingly.

      There certainly is unhealthy jealousy. But there are also situations where the complete absence of jealousy would seem rather weird (as if the person does not care). Every single person has something they feel a little insecure about. The key is to find a partner who can and is willing to adjust to those insecurities without feeling like they are compromising too much. Even in open relationships, there are certain lines you do not cross, depending on the individuals involved.

      And, like Nissa pointed out, sometimes it is not even an insecurity, but rather crap you just don’t feel like dealing with in a relationship.

      I think you need to be honest with your partner, let them know how a certain behavior makes you feel. Then your partner can either decide they’re all right with changing the situation, or you can find a partner who will be better suited to you.

       

    4. 1.4
      Adrian

      Hi Nissa, Marika, and Sylvana,

      Jeremy articulated my concerns better than I could in his post on Evan’s 65% of women are better than men in relationships post… or is it 65% of women are not the cause of a relationship’s problems?

      Either way Jeremy stated that, “are couples happy because they are compatible <I will insert trusting and secure> or are couples reporting being happy because the men <I will insert or women> in the relationship are being silent when it comes to their true feelings?

      This was my concern when it came to the issue of partners you love hanging out alone with ex’s who are still desiring them.

      Once I get more time I will address each of your post directly

      1. 1.4.1
        SS

         

         

        Jeremy and commenters like him gage responses on the worst of women.  They don’t put women on a pedestal.  They don’t come close to it.  In your question, it isn’t likely that men are having to be silent.  Evan isn’t silent at ALL, apparently.  It seems, although I don’t have the answer, that two people in a relationship where one is close to an ex and the other doesn’t really believe in that sort of thing don’t often work out.  I think I agree with Marika on the exes part.  It is difficult to be friendly with an ex.

  2. 2
    Maria

    This is a response to Evan’s asking for a review of his podcasts. I’ve been following Evan now for 1 1/2 years, having bought most of his products, and done the work, filled in the workbooks, and still continue to reread the contents, listening to his webinars. I love the podcasts because they renew that information I was exposed to another time earlier. I NEED that refresh. A lot to remember and to learn. Thank you Evan for reaching out to this “adult” but ageless woman who is still in the throws of finding that one very special man for our eternity.

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