How to Make the Texting Guy WANT to Call You.

loveu-podcast-episode-40

I know. You think I’m crazy. Old school. Too far out of the dating world. But I’m telling you, texting – our most popular form of communication – is also the WORST form of communication. Tune in to hear why texting is killing your intimacy and how to show a man how you’d like him to communicate with you. If he likes you, he’ll get the hint.

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Comments:

  1. 1
    GoWiththeFlow

    OMG Evan, there are no comments!  This must mean that everyone not commenting is doing so out of malevolent intent!  (snark people!)

    Thanks for the podcast!  There is so much non-word communication that can be missed with texting.  But for me, I sometimes like being to have conversations that make me teary eyed via text so I can keep some of the emotion out of it and keep it to the facts.

    1. 1.1
      Chance

      Oooooooooooh!  Snap, girl!!   12-to-6, 12-to-6…

    2. 1.2
      KK

      Not commenting should be taken as a sign of my agreement. 😃

      1. 1.2.1
        Chance

        Zzzzzziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnng!

  2. 2
    Adrian

    Since Evan’s listening audience (though perhaps not his paying audience) is of all ages, I really wish he would start adding age ranges to his lessons. Because I don’t think the majority of what he says about texting applies to younger women.

    I don’t text or use any form of social media, and ever since I got back into dating women have placed me in one of three categories: 1). I’m married or a player; either way I am lying about not texting 2). I am weird for wanting to schedule a time to talk on the phone instead of texting at anytime 3). I’m socially awkward (for not texting or participating in social media).

    ….     ….     ….

    This is the third podcast where Evan has mentioned having sex 3 or more times a day is “unreasonably” too much! But most new couples I know of have sex in the beginning as much as they can if they both have the time-they are both in the you and your body is new to me, lust stage.

    I wonder why he said the man who wants that is unrealistic instead of just saying he and she have different sex drives… or is it that, the older you get the less you want to have sex all day with your new partner, even if you have the time to do it 3 times a day?

    …   …   …

    I wonder have their been any studies to show if relationships last longer or are happier if the couple gets to know each other slowly through just a few phone calls a week and dates instead of the 50 short questions you can ask a person in one day over back and forth texting?

    1. 2.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      Ugh. Kids.

      What you’re forgetting, Adrian, is that the first six months of your relationship is not remotely telling of what the rest of your life looks like. My wife and I had sex every time we saw each other (2-3X/week) until we moved in together after two years. That distance/desire wanes chemically over time, so you need further grounding.

      And your last question doesn’t even seem to need a study:

      Where are you going to forge a stronger and more authentic connection: after two hours on the phone or 50 back and forth texts over a week? This is debatable?

    2. 2.2
      Nissa

      I’m sure younger women are more used to that as a valid medium, yes. But it’s also as simple as, if she is not willing to give you the benefit of the doubt enough to trust that until she’s had a few dates with you, she’s not worth your time anyway. You may need to lead her to a new experience of , “this is how mature, experienced guys do it”.

      As to sex, before I was married it was “every time we see each other” until about the two year mark also. I can’t imagine doing that now though. Now for lack of desire or excitement, but simply due to my many time commitments and responsibilities. Plus the emotional intimacy and mutual support, when they exist, mean that the man can get his intimacy needs met outside of sex, and he therefore may not need sex as often to feel loved and accepted.

  3. 3
    Kyra

    I don’t have a landline, but I do this:

    “Hey there! Good to hear from you! I’d love to chat more. Why don’t you give me a call this evening and we can speak by phone. I’d love to hear your voice!”

    or

    “I only text during the day for work in case of emergencies, so by about 7pm I only answer my phone if it rings to speak with friends and family. So, why don’t you give me a call something this evening. I’d love to chat more.”

    NEVER works. They ALWAYS text. Or, they never contact again.

    I’ve just gotten to the point I tell men during the messaging stage that I don’t text anyone I haven’t had a first date with due to inappropriate/disrespectful incidents in the past. This way they know  am open to texting if we meet and like one another, but that I am not someone who will be part of a “texting harem” if he’s looking for one. The response is, “I can totally understand that.” And, while they may understand it, most never contact me on the dating site again after I write that.

    I’ve realized men WANT to text women. I’m thinking either because:  1) They feel safer using texting as a medium during the courtship phase, using it as somewhat of a vulnerability buffer  2) They want to put in the minimum amount of effort (for whatever reasons. They’re lazy, they don’t see a woman as relationship material/see a woman only as casual sex material, they have an addiction/over-dependence on technology or 2) They want to send you a dick pick or ask you something completely sexually inappropriate the first moment they can.)

     

    I also find some men have lost the ability to hold conversations with their reliance on texting. I engaged a man a little over a year ago (around 38 years old,  just to give context on what his social and conversational ability should be). He said, “Do you have any questions for me?” You know, like this was 8th grade history class or something and I should raise my hand and give him my list of questions. So, I said, “We can converse and just shoot the sh*t. I like to learn things about people organically. Just imagine we’re at a bar chatting getting to know one another.” So, he said, “Oh, ok. What are looking for?” I then told him I’m looking for casual dating that has the possibility to move to something serious. He got quiet a few minutes, then texted “What else would I say to you at a bar?” As in, I don’t know what else I would say or ask you in a face-to-face conversation, can you tell me.

    He had no idea how to engage in back and forth conversation with a person using texting. He couldn’t engage like a normal person. He couldn’t imagine being face-to-face and using words and language to connect with a person. He, literally, had to ask me how to use language. It really was that he sees texting and face-to-face conversing and two separate things.

    That’s when I was, like, “Boy, bye…”

    Texting has become so that many see texting as something with its own conversational style. How old are you? What do you do for work? How tall are you? What city do you work? It’s textual vetting, not friendly, casual conversation. And, I’ve noted a good percentage of men have come to communicate like this not only in texting, but also in messaging on the dating site. Maybe it’s a particular subset of men who just struggle with language, communication and interaction in general (thus, why they are single), but I’ve noted it and there is a great percentage of them online.

    So, I just made the rule that if we haven’t gone on a date, you will not receive a text or receive a text response from me with the method I wrote above. Maybe that makes me the odd, anti-social, over the hill 41-year-old who just doesn’t get texting, but *shrug*. I’m ok with that.

  4. 4
    Ruth

    Hi Evan,

    I just ended a potentially great relationship with a man I met on a dating site because he only sent text messages and not once made an effort to make a call. After agreeing that we would now deactivate our accounts in the dating site, we started communicating thru Viber ( it is a long distance relationship).  He was persistent in the early days but messages started to come in trickles, which was a ‘warning’ sign.  I stretched my patience and waited in vain for him to call me.

    He told me that he used to call his ex EVERY day and would travel 7 hours from Arizona to San Diego just to see her.  So, I finally had to end the text relationship by telling him that it is not working as he was not really into me.  What is a one-minute call versus a 7-hour journey?  Peanuts!  Worse, he told me that I should have told him that I need him to call me.  OUCH!

    Evan, I still do believe that there are still good men out there.  But I also believe that we get less than we desire because we settle for less.

     

  5. 5
    Marcie

    Thank you for addressing my #1 source of angst in dating! I CANNOT hack it when a man only texts. I always end up losing interest.

  6. 6
    Gigi

    This advice is so simple and yet, it blew my mind!  When you said the part about feeling like you’re going to lose a potential boyfriend because you cut a guy loose that doesn’t want to communicate beyond text…omg those are the thoughts I have! But you are absolutely right. Doesn’t matter how cute, accomplished, etc he may be. The guys who genuinely want to know you and build something with you will go out of their comfort zone. I’m gonna start breaking the chains of text and see what happens.

  7. 7
    mnneongirl

    I guess I’m lucky in this aspect that I also prefer texting. I’m an introvert and also have been told that I think more like a guy. My girlfriends have been known to tell me their problems about their boyfriends in order to get a glimpse into a guy might be thinking. Lol. My mother and other female friends will send me long, drawn out messages and I can wrap up my reply in one or two sentences. I sometimes feel bad, but it’s all I got. I wonder if that’s how most guys feel?

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