Comments on: The One Thing You Should Absolutely NOT Do When Dating

By: Gigi

Gigi — Wed, 14 Sep 2011 05:18:13 +0000

Just offering an opinion, but did anyone ever think that this is WHY relationships don’t get off the ground, when there are “back ups” people tend to DITCH faster rather than working things out (trading one set of problems for another?)
Ahhh, yes, the PERFECT ONE is always “out there” when the one at hand is having a bad day, right?

By: Andrea

Andrea — Sun, 06 Feb 2011 01:34:13 +0000

Funny, I’m glad I read this post to begin with because I was just presented with the same situation.
Thanks to this blog, as a newbie to using the online sites, I managed to keep myself in check and roll with the punches.
Internally, it may be hard to be calm, cool, and confident, but at least I’m not being silly about these situations that kind of only exist when you are trying to meet people online.

By: SunnyinSD

SunnyinSD — Mon, 31 Jan 2011 23:58:47 +0000

I had to revisit this post (even though I first read it awhile back), because I was presented with a similar situation as Lorraine this past weekend. A man that I had met on match.com and communicated with for several weeks, recently indicated that he had had 2 dates with another girl and liked her, and wanted to see where it went. He asked if he could have a “raincheck” on us going out again in the future should the relationship not work out between him and this other girl.
I told him that I understood, and asked if we could still meet up so we knew if there was even a connection/attraction in person. We had a wonderful time together, and yet, he has decided that he wants to have a couple more dates with this other woman to see if there is potential there.
I guess I felt that I would meet him, and hopefully he would fall head over heels for me, and immediately call off things with the other woman. But alas, life does not work that way! Perhaps it wasn’t the best idea to meet him — because now the rejection (if you can call it that) seems more personal than if he and I had never met. But I was trying to approach this in a mature fashion, and didn’t want to spend any more time thinking about this guy if there wasn’t a spark there when we met face to face.
I respect this man’s decision to only focus on one relationship at a time, although, to be honest, I wish he was focusing on me. I will continue being active online, and whatever happens, happens. In the end, much of this has to do with timing, and my timing with him was off.

By: Fiona

Fiona — Sun, 26 Dec 2010 22:09:53 +0000

First of all, I’m glad this lady is enjoying herself. It sounds as if she has a very good attitude.
As for the man, well, it is perfectly understandable that he said that he was seeing someone else and needed to restrict himself to her. It does seem rather arrogant that he said that he would get back in touch if it didn’t work out. True, that doesn’t mean that he expected Lorraine to be sitting there waiting. But it does seem to assume that she was more interested in him than he in her – initially.
This may be a cultural thing too, though. In England, a man who said he would get back to someone if another lady didn’t work out would be seen as arrogant. So most men wouldn’t say it and one who did probably would be arrogant. In my experience, Americans are a bit more upfront when dating than English people (of both sexes).

By: Shay

Shay — Thu, 18 Feb 2010 17:07:03 +0000

Actually, when people are dating, I don’t think they’re already exclusive.

I see dating as going out and be friends first. So, absolutely no issue if a guy tells me that he can’t see me because he’s seeing someone else. In fact, I would be pleasantly surprised that such honesty still exists. The worst is that he comes and goes without any rhyme or reason and leave me thinking where is this going.

I think I won’t be offended if I’m Lorraine. To be “matched” online and lined up for dates is already quite an achievment. Not to say I’m desperate, but once I come into the dating scene, I can better appreciate the difficulty in finding possible matches or being found by possible matches. I’m sure we only make contact with people who more or less match our minimum requirements (whatever those are). So, whats the harm of going on a first date with a guy who meet our minimum requirements? If he turns out to be a jerk, then no more dates. The worst is a few hours wasted. The possibilities are 1) snagging a future boyfriend/husband and/or 2) dating skills gets practiced and/or 3) my search critieria may get refined from increased interactions with men.

By: Selena

Selena — Tue, 01 Dec 2009 11:45:12 +0000

Lorraine, so nice to hear about a situation turning out well. We need more stories like this. I totally understand about timing. I had a male friend for many years I was quite compatible with and would sometimes when I was single wonder wistfully if he and I would make a good match. Problem was, we were never single at the same time. One year I got up the courage and asked him if he ever had thoughts along the lines of us as a couple. He said yes, but followed with “Selena, our timing sucks!” He had been seeing someone for the last few months.

So yeah, I think it was kinda brave for this guy to call you knowing you might no longer be interested. And cool of you to not take it so personally that for a time he was focusing on someone else.

Lorraine, now you’ve got me thinking about dropping an email to my old friend and seeing what he’s up to these days.

By: A-L

A-L — Tue, 01 Dec 2009 00:50:55 +0000

Thanks, Lorraine, for posting an update on your situation. Hope you continue to enjoy yourself!

By: Lorraine

Lorraine — Mon, 30 Nov 2009 21:46:38 +0000

Selena @ 29:
You are right! I was SO NOT sitting there waiting to hear from him those 2 weeks. As a matter of fact, when he did call me again clear out of the blue, when I answered and he told me his name, I couldn’t even remember who he was! I put his call on hold and and said to my friend that I was with, “Do you remember who X is? He’s calling and it’s not ringing a bell!” It wasn’t until we spoke for a minute that I remembered him. And yes, I could have totally have been interested in someone else by then and have turned him down. I had several invitations from other guys during those weeks. But I was sufficiently intrigued by this guy to want to meet him. Why? Because he had kept me in mind and was interested enough to take a chance that I would agree to a date. Desperate? Uh, no way, quite the contrary.

By: Lorraine

Lorraine — Mon, 30 Nov 2009 20:09:25 +0000

I had no idea that my decision to give this man another chance would be so controversial! But of course, I had other dating prospects going on right along, so why would I hold it against him that he was dating someone else? Heck, so was I. It’s all part of the process, after all, we are all single and looking, right? At that time, though, I was just surprised that he was taking so much time to chat with me, etc., if he was sufficiently serious about someone else that he didn’t want to go out with another woman. Now that I know him a bit better, we have even talked about that situation, and I think it was more about TIMING rather than prioritizing us as first choice, second choice, etc. Things got to the dating stage quicker with her, but it also ended quicker, too! The way I understand it, he is so NOT a player, that’s why he didn’t want to go out with me until things were resolved with the other lady first. To me, that kind of honesty makes him more trustworthy, even though at the time I didn’t really understand it. Now I know that he’s the kind of guy who just tells it like it is.

By: Evan Marc Katz

Evan Marc Katz — Mon, 30 Nov 2009 18:36:48 +0000

From the "I Hate to Say I Told You So" Dept...

I received an email from Lorraine this morning. If you recall the original post, I lauded Lorraine for playing it cool when the man who disappeared on Match.com came back a second time.

Here's her results thus far:

I wanted to give you an update on the man from Match. Things have been progressing quite nicely! We have spent a lot of time together during the past few weeks. Last weekend, I went to hear him sing and play his guitar with his band, and he walked off the stage 3 times to kiss me! We spend hours together having great conversations and there are so many things we both enjoy, and we can't keep our hands off each other! He's cooked me dinner, sang to me, and treats me very well. We even spent the evening of Thanksgiving together. He's invited me to join him for a weekend in Vegas next month, but I'm worried about going out of town with him so soon, and I turned him down. (I really want to go though). So far, it's going just great!

Although we seem to be a great fit, it's only been a short time (not even a month yet) and I figure until he says he wants to be exclusive I should still keep active on the site. He's on my favorite list and I noticed that he goes a long time between visits there (maybe I shouldn't be looking at that, but it's hard not to be curious).

Thanks again, Evan, for all of your help, and I will continue to keep you updated!

Lorraine Needless to say, this doesn't mean that Lorraine will marry this man. But I think it's clear that this would not have been possible if she took it personally that he was dating other women when they first met. If they're meant to be, the Match man will step up to the plate and commit to her soon. If they're not, Lorraine is in complete control of her emotions because she has a reasonable idea of what to expect and how to react to each given situation. Once again, if there's a perfect example of dating coaching taking root and making a difference, it's in Lorraine's attitude, perspective and actions right now. I am very proud of her and proud of any woman who attempts to improve her understanding of this process. Thanks for reading.