The REAL Reason You’re Still Single

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The key is in letting go of the image you’ve been holding onto. Because real relationships aren’t about credentials; they’re about connection. And I truly believe there are thousands of people you can potentially be happy with… if only you didn’t have such a rigid idea of what it looked like.

Last night, I was coaching a favorite client, Katie, who is part of my Inner Circle AND a Passion Course member.

Katie is 58 and never married. Of course. She never wanted to settle.

After rebranding her on Match.com, she’s getting a ton of attention and is being chased down by two men simultaneously.

Tom is the brainy, charismatic one who talks about himself incessantly, sends template emails, and hasn’t followed up in a week.

Bill is a fun guy, makes her laugh, is a great kisser, and has followed up for four dates in two weeks.

Katie wanted to know how to make Tom like her and how to get rid of Bill. When we dug deeper, I learned that she was embarrassed at the thought of introducing her friends to Bob because he wasn’t as “sophisticated” as her other tony Connecticut friends.

I asked Katie, point-blank: Are you attracted to Bill? “Yes”

Real relationships aren’t about credentials; they’re about connection.

Do you have fun around Bill? “Oh, yes!”

Is he consistently good to you? “Absolutely. He’s crazy about me.”

So why are you trying so hard to run away? Because of what your friends think? Because Bill’s not what you’ve pictured in your head for 58 YEARS?

“Yeah, kind of.”

I’m delighted to report that Katie is going out with Bill again. And I wouldn’t be surprised if she “settled” her way into an amazing relationship.

By thinking you’re “better” than everyone who wants you, you’re eliminating the greatest source of love around – the person who wants you! And you may be surprised to find that you can be EXTREMELY happy with someone who doesn’t meet your preconceived image of your ideal mate.

I certainly have been.

Did you find this post thought-provoking? Challenging? Insightful? Then be sure to check out my eBook, “Why He Disappeared – the Smart, Strong, Successful Woman’s Guide to Understanding Men and Keeping the Right One Hooked Forever“.

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144 Comments »Filed Under Dating

144 Responses to “The REAL Reason You’re Still Single”

Ellen 1

Amen! I wanted tall, dark, handsome, highly intelligent, sophisticated, cultured man… and am falling in love with a short(ish), balding, red-haired guy (I always hated the idea of red headed men), who’s older than my target range and much shorter than I wanted. What I’m getting is the highly intelligent and the cultured part – and a guy who totally digs me and makes me happy! What I gave up? Stuff that wasn’t that important, in the end. Me: 8. Him: 6. It works!
Goldie 2

I hope someone can explain this to me – the underlying theme of this blog appears to be that we need to, well, settle. Here’s what I don’t understand. For those of us that have already been in a marriage/LTR, seems to me that we have already settled at least once. That we settled in the past, is actually the reason why we are here right now – back on the market, after spending huge amounts of time and energy to get out of a miserable relationship.

What are the benefits of doing it again? I am honestly trying to understand and coming up with nothing.

Is being single so bad that it has to be avoided at all costs? Personally, I rank being single probably lower than being in a good, fullfilling relationship, but way higher than being in a bad one. If we need to settle for a bad relationship, then why did we get out of our previous ones in the first place? Just so we can get back to square one, except with a different person? What’s the point? Am I missing something?
Cat 3

Ellen, that’s awesome!

Goldie, Evan didn’t tell you to settle for a miserable relationship! He didn’t tell you that you can’t be happy single. But the majority of people visit this blog because they want to be in a relationship. Read Ellen’s comment to see a perfect example of what Evan is telling people to do!
NN 4

I agree with Goldie.

Evan always talks how we should lower our standards – but I disagree, since one of the most important standard that I have is ”I find man sexually interesting” – and that is where men who are interested in me fail consistantly.
If I’m indifferent or disgusted when I am close to him, it just won’t work, so that is something I just DO NOT settle.
Jackie 5

Goldie–I totally agree with you. I have come to the conclusion that I would rather stay single than “settle” into a relationship. Mainly because I had a 15 year marriage. I think people like us are less willing to “settle”. We view singlehood as so much better than “settling”.
Selena 6

Goldie,
As a long time reader of this blog, the message I get is not to settle for someone just to have a relationship – but rather, good relationships are based on more than superficial characteristics. Example: How someone treats you is more important than how tall they are.

Evan is a dating coach, so his focus is on that, not in teaching people how to be happy single. Though as a happy single person, I’ve found many of the premises work for this lifestyle as well.
texasdarlin 7

Goldie,

I agree with Cat. He’s not asking us to settle for something bad, but rather to look at what we are asking for. Are our expectations too high? Are we short changinging ourselves by not being willing to consider a man who’s a little shorter, makes a little less money, has a differernt hair or eye color, or whatever else is on our own personal lists of must haves. I’ve never been married, but have had a few long term relationships. Are there things that I absolutley won’t tolerate ? Oh yeah, but it’s stuff like abusiveness towards other people and animals, racial and religlious intolerance, current drug use, etc. Since I’ve read most of Evan’s stuff I’ve learned to not be so stringent in my “musts” requirements as far as physical characteristics, salary, type of job, etc. That is not as important to me as the other stuff and so I’ve learned to let a lot of it go. At the moment I am literally to busy to put the time and effort I need to into finding a great guy, but I do know my great guy doesn’t necessarily have to be 6’0′ tall, with six-pack abs, blond hair and blue-eyed, make 75K, have a PhD, and a vacation home in Colorado. (I’ve actually never been that rigid) but he does need to treat others right, he needs to have a decent sense of humor, and he needs to be able to at least tolerate dogs.
Goldie 8

Cat, from what Ellen is telling us, she settled for the looks and age group, i.e. things that are more or less superficial. She did not compromise on what’s important – intellect, culture and personality. I’m mature enough not to put much value on looks. What got me in Evan’s example was that he, the way I saw it, advised his client (and, by extension, his readers) to compromise on intellect and culture, unless I’m misunderstanding what “less sophisticated” means.

I’d like to be in a relationship – heck, I’d like to see firsthand what being in a really good relationship is like – never been in one! What I don’t want to do is be in any relationship at any cost, been there done that.
Karrie 9

I get what Evan is trying to tell us picky women. What’s really hard for me to swallow is that I have a ton of friends who think I’m a GREAT catch and have eagerly introduced me to guys they know who are also GREAT catches ( successful, good looking, charming), but unfortunately none of these men have been interested in me. These guys were 7 in looks, 9 in intelligence/charm, 10 in success. I am an 8.5 in looks, 9 in intelligence/charm, 10 in success. These guys all want the 9/10 in looks. period. So, as an intelligent woman, I need to accept that guy who is an 8/9 in charm, 8/9 in success and a 6 in looks. If I was less intelligent, it would be easier to find a solid 8 across the board. This is really hard to accept because I have a few very attractive girlfriends who are 9/10 in looks and these men who reject me are hot after them, even though they are less accomplished or intelligent than I am. No, I’m no overrating myself – I didn’t chase after these men – they were introduced to me by other who thought that I was good enough for them. Yes, I have tried very hard to give the “less impressive guys” a chance, but somehow that doesn’t work either. I think Evan is giving good, practical advice, but at the end of the day, intelligent women do get a bum deal. Otherwise there wouldn’t be a need for the kind of services that Evan provides.
Veronika 10

Hi… It completely makes sense, but I cannot apply it to my situation. See, I’ve settled before, twice, once with a lawyer, hot, intelligent… second with a guy who was even hotter, richer, his family adored me, and he was heartbroken when I ended it 2 yrs later. The lawyer still tries time to time to get back together with me.
Now I am crazy for this guy for about 10 months, relatively poor, not better looking than me (I give him a 7 and me too, others would give me an 8, my former two long-terms were 8 and 9) working on a helpdesk while I am a manager. So it just doesn’t make sense why it’s not happening when I read this post. Also I read the other posts about mistakes I might have made, and cannot really relate…. except for one mistake I know I made. We were close, I was the one there when he cried over a heartbreak and other stuff, then we got closer, and I said if it increases his problems than rather think it didn’t happen. I wanted him, I said this cos I didn’t want him to hurt because of me too. It was a huge mistake. But I don’t remember any other mistakes Evan mentions in his posts. So what is wrong? And why did my 7-guy settle for a 4 half yr now? Yes, 4! While he also had a 9 before, a smart blond model…. probably low self-esteem? Scared of heartbreak? Satisfies his control-freakness? He’s a scorpion after all…. I went out with other guys, lower rating than me but they annoyed me, though I gave the chance to each on multiple dates.
Patti 11

What I don’t understand, is why Evan thinks wanting to be attracted to your partner is being rigid. I’m not personally looking for anyone who’s a 10, or even a 7 or an 8. But I do want to date someone that I actually am interested in kissing or having sex with. If not, what am I getting into the relationship for? Because he called me back after the date? Is that the only criteria for a long-term mate? I want to get married and have a family, but not just for the sake of getting married and having a family. This to me is settling and Evan can pretty it up all he wants to make it sound like something else, but it’s settling for the sake of not being alone. He’s being talking this way since he got married… no offense, Evan. I love your advice and I think you’re spot on most of the time, but in this area… I can’t really get on board with you. I’m just not grasping whatever you’re trying to say.
sayanta 12

#9-

I think it might be hard for anyone to swallow that they might not really be a 9 or 10 in anything.

PS- I don’t believe in a ‘number’ system anyway, so this isn’t a slam.
Cat 13

Veronika – I think you’re confused about the term “settling.” Or am I missing how you settled on hot, rich lawyer #1 and hotter, richer, more besotted lawyer #2? Perhaps the poor “7″ thought that the “4″ was a 9 in areas that you’re a 4 in… Perhaps she treated him like a rich 9 rather than a poor 7?

Maybe it’s because I don’t like math, but I honestly don’t go around attaching a numerical rating to every man I meet! Usually their attractiveness to me rises or falls as I discover their inner qualities (or lack thereof…)
Selena 14

@#9

Karrie,
Has it ever occurred to you that your compulsion to rank everyone you know/meet on 1 to 10 scales may be part of the problem? I’m serious. For me, I either connect with someone or I don’t. I’m baffled by people who go through life operating on a ranking system. Does the ranking system alter with passing decades? Because intelligence/ charm (odd grouping) may remain the same, but you can’t count on it for looks and definition of success.
Selena 15

Re: #13
” Usually their attractiveness to me rises or falls as I discover their inner qualities (or lack thereof..)

Exactly! Me too Cat.
starthrower68 16

I’ve seen pics of Evan’s wife on Facebook, although I’m not sure he has them up still, but she is a 10.

Second, I gave a 4-month chance to a guy that was not all this or not all that; it felt like a chore to date him. I don’t look for the 10′s or even 8′s. If I’m into him, that will make him better looking to me. But intelligence is not there, there is just no way I will feel chemistry. I’ve read inteviews with Brad Pitt, and he doesn’t do it for me either.
Karrie 17

@#14
Selena,
I’m only using the ranking system because Evan used it in the article. From my experience, I’ve connected really well with a lot of different men, but have noticed that the more “successful guys” generally prefer prettier women. I’m aware that Evan wishes to inform us that “Men are more about FEELING not LOOKS”, but my experience tells me this is not entirely true. It is possible that you can connect very well with a person , BUT, because he has plenty of options, will choose to let you go in search of greener pastures.
To sayanta @12, I could be overrating myself. I ask that myself everyday that I look for love. But other people regularly set me up with very successful, charming men close to my age, thinking it would be a match, so it’s not really my own opinion.
Basically, I’ve come to the realization that I’m not good looking enough for a man my own age who is as successful as me, so my only chance of finding love is to try for an older, successful guy or a younger, less successful guy who is kind. I think that is what Evan is trying to tell us.
Goldie 18

@ #7

ITA about not being hung up on the man’s looks. It really is a non-issue to me. I’ve been around IT professionals all my life. “No paper bag required” is good-looking enough in my book. I’m seriously way, way past worrying about looks. In my generation, I’ve seen too many good-looking kids in their late teens/early 20s marry each other, only to split up later. A lot of us went by the looks, then proceeded to have miserable marriages. That’s a pretty impressive life lesson, so I just don’t care about looks anymore. I don’t know how commenters on this thread can even tell who’s an 8, who’s a 6 and so on. There’s probably a lower limit for me, but it’s probably fairly low. If the guy looks slightly better than Freddy Krueger, that to me is good enough. (Actually come to think of it, Robert Englund is really cute!)

Now intelligence, cultural background, educational background, that is where I draw the line. Salary, even – not in and of itself, but as an indicator of one’s social standing. In my opinion, if a woman makes more than her partner, is more sucessful, has a higher social standing than her partner, then he feels intimidated. And if a man feels intimidated by his woman, no one is having a good time. That’s from my limited experience.
isabelle_archer 19

I think what Evan’s talking about is DATING, not relationships per se. It’s a question of giving yourself a chance to fall in love with a guy you wouldn’t have thought met your criteria. If you don’t fall in love, you don’t fall in love, but if you don’t give that “6″ a chance, you’ll never know…
texasdarlin 20

As I said and several others have as well, no one least of all Evan, is asking us to settle. Go back and take a look at what he wrote about what his client wanted…basically she wanted to get the self-absorbed (talks about himself incessantly), uninterested (hasn’t followed up in a week) guy to like her and get rid of the guy who makes her laugh and is a great kisser (sounds like chemistry and sexual attraction are there to me) and is totally into her (has followed up for 4 dates in two weeks). Read further and she admits she’s attracted to him. Where’s the problem here? How is Evan asking her to settle or lower her standards? I dont’t think anyone would disagree that sexual attraction is important but as Cat pointed out a guy can gain or lose attractiveness to me based upon their character or lack of. I think what Evan is asking you and me to do maybe give a guy a chance if, like his client’s Bill, the guy is totally into you, is a great kisser, you are attracted to, but maybe he lacks one or two minor things that we think we want.
Mika 21

Goldie,
I agree with #19′s comment. It’s not about settling for less as far as the relationship is concerned. Evan’s point is to give a chance to those whom you perceive as ones who don’t meet your “standards”. As an example, when I first started online dating, I checked “Caucasian” check box for a potential match, but ended up falling in love with a multiracial guy that I was not even attracted to on the first date. So, again, what I think Evan is trying to say, that if your dating experience leaves you nothing but a bad taste in your mouth, until you start thinking outside the box and approach dating from a different angle, the chances are — you won’t even get to the point of building a solid, happy and satisfying LTR/marriage.
texasdarlin 22

@ #21 Well said.

@ # 18 No offense meant. basically I have been trying to say what Mika just did and what Selena, Cat, & Ellen have
R.C. 23

I was just thinking about this very same issue as I was prepaing for the work week a few hours ago and this was before I checked my email and saw the title above in Evan’s blog. I can think of a few reasons why most of us (including myself) are still single. But before I list some of those reasons, I myself, like most people that have responded above just simply do not want to accept or settle again or at all just for the sake of being in a relationship or married. Life is too precious and short to continuously waste time on relationship after relationship with people who do not want nor share the same goals, interest, values, or aspirations. That was one of the reasons why I divorced my ex-husband a few years ago.

Yes, before we married, we did share and discussed those goals, plans, dreams and aspirations often enough but after we married somewhere along the way his goals shifted. As I now look back on the time we were together, I had to place some of the blame on myself. The lessons that I learned from that experience as well as the invaluable information on the net from Evan’s blogs and other websites that I read often that deals with sex, love, life and relationships, I took a long hard look in the mirror @ myself and discovered some things .

Those issues that I saw in the mirror motivated me to make some changes within myself. Sometimes is not about you but the person you are attracted to or would like to have and call as your own who has some issues that they are going through or trying to resolve. If a person is lacking in certain areas in their life or is not comfortable with where they are then chances are they are going to remain single until they have reached that level.

From my personal experience with dating after my divorce and what I came across with the few men that I dated are a few reasons why I am still single.

1)Non-committal – Serial dater or short term dater
2)Priorities are not in order
3)Unresolved issues that affects future relationships
4) Multiple women -FWB, Casual Relationships
5) Low motivation
6) Lack character
7) Poor communicator
8) Lacks interest or effort
9) Lack commonalities
10)Lack connection
JuJu 24

I can’t even imagine applying an Ivy League degree as a standard. Any individual that actually has that criterion, frankly, would not seem truly intelligent to me (or to be a good person).

Physical attraction, however, is either there or it’s not. I don’t know how it can be “cultivated”. It doesn’t mean the man has to be a 10 (for me), he just has to be acceptable in this regard. And good in bed, of course.
Evan Marc Katz 25

Before I go to sleep, I want to thank the readers who have defended me against things that I’ve never said before (i.e. you should settle, any relationship is better than no relationship, you should be with a man you’re not attracted to). The reason I’m posting now is to challenge the women who have been challenged by this post to do something different.

Instead of reflexively explaining what’s wrong with MEN that causes you to remain single, take a second to consider what’s wrong with YOU.

Why would a highly desirable man not want to settle down with you? Or, if you’re a man. why would a desirable woman not want to be with you?

Only in tapping into your humility will you really be able to appreciate the virtues of a partner. Only by focusing on good qualities instead of bad ones will you learn to be content. Only by realizing that compromising and settling are two entirely different concepts can you get back into a happy relationship.

EVERYONE in a great relationship compromises.

Those who have settled before and refuse to do it again are missing the point. It’s not to get you into a miserable relationship, for Chrissakes. It’s to illustrate that by refusing to make compromises on certain things, you how you can stay single FOREVER. And if you prefer being single to the compromises that, say, I had to make to become happily married, good for you. Just don’t pretend that there aren’t TONS of quality guys out there who would make solid husbands.

If you think that you’re such an amazing catch, you have never remotely considered the dozens of reasons that men would not choose to date you.

I encourage anyone reading this to make a list of 20 reasons someone wouldn’t date you. I did this with Lori Gottlieb in her book as well. When you’re done with your list, you’ll now have 20 reasons that you should consider compromising.

You can thank me when you’re married.
brooksie 26

Why would a desirable man not want to be with me? When I was younger, I blamed it on the fact that I don’t want children. I kept meeting men who wanted kids. Of all the things you can’t compromise on, that’s the big one.
Now I’m in my 40s and it’s not reasonable for men to expect me to have their children, and I’m not turning down men who want to be with me. I’m literally not meeting any men who want to be with me. I’m not ruling out men for shallow reasons — in the past, if anything, I’ve stayed with noncommittal, distant men far too long because I was afraid they were the best I could do. I’ve broken that habit, at least, but warm, caring, emotionally available men don’t seem to be showing up to fill the vacuum, at least not yet. I’m starting to think maybe I’m looking in the wrong places.
Anette 27

Lol!! You’re awesome Evan.

I did exactly this a few years back.I thought through(didn’t write them down) the reasons a guy, (especially the kind of guy I would have liked) wouldn’t want to be with me. It was quite a long list..hahah!!

Some of it, I realized I had to change(life-style changes). It was a very good exercise, because strangely enough it also changed my idea of what I wanted. All the ideas I had in my head were completely wrong.

Realizing that those “perfect” guys wouldn’t have wanted to date me, made ME realize I didn’t actually want to date them. Crazy the stuff we convince ourselves of. I also realize what I could easily compromise on and yeah, it’s pretty necessary really.
Selena 28

One can have long *must haves*, dealbreakers, and “I’m single because these things are wrong with men” lists, but there really is only ONE criteria:

Does he make you feel good to be with him?

That’s it. You focus on that one quality and all the lists become irrelevant.

If you choose instead to believe you can only feel good with someone who meets the criteria on your lists, then the lists themselves become the impediment to opening yourself up to finding someone with whom you feel good.

And ironically, the key to contentment being single is not having a list of what you perceive to be wrong with the opposite gender. That’s just keeping your baggage close beside you to constantly trip over.
Jane 29

Ok Evan.
20 Reasons a Quality Guy Close to My Age Wouldn’t Want to Date Me:
1. am 37 and that is a big negative if the guy wants some time to “have fun” before popping out the kids.
2. Though I am impeccably and stylishly dressed and have a fantastic body and a pretty enough face, my “look” may not be for all me.
3. I am a perfectionist.
4. Sometimes I get depress and withdraw
5. I am unpredictable, restless
6. I get disappointed easily, though I try hard to hide it
7. I’m too intellectual. I have a high IQ. I get bored easily.
8. I look like I’m stiff in bed ( though I’m not at all, according to most guys I’ve been with)
9. I have unresolved emotional issues with my family
10.I am bitter
11. I resent those carefree, happy girls, who seem to have it easier with men.
12. I am a very funny person- BUT I can be untactful
13. I’m too eccentric
14.I’m more worldly than most men
15.I secretly find most men ugly and resent that the goodlooking ones have better options than me.
16. My moral standards are too high when evaluating men. Even I don’t meet my own moral standards.
17.I obsess about my looks
18. I haven’t handled money well
19. I don’t come across as the nurturing type
20. I am fake. Outwardly I try to appear as a person who sees the best in others, but internally, I just think most people are selfish without realizing it.
So, there you go Evan, 20 of my faults. I’m your typical perfectionist woman who looks great, but can’t land a guy cuz I’m not warm and nurturing enough and just downright bitter.
I have been following your advice. I tried for a year to make it work with a guy who didn’t “do it” for me, but was none the less, kind and accepting.
In fact, I’ve been trying for the past 3 years to do that. Feels good to be in a secure relationship, but in the end…. it’s still your typical story: Women do get a bum deal because biology is not in their favor.
That doesn’t mean that you can’t fall in love and find happiness, but if you just look at it objectively, what all women need to hear is exactly Lori Gottlieb’s message: Forget about finding someone whom you think is your “equal”, but instead, take the guy who finds you a “catch”. Chances are, you are overrating yourself because you forget that time is not on your side. Start focusing on kindness, compassion and tolerance as criteria for evaluating men. Yes, yes, got it. Here’s something to think about: a 47 year old man would treat me exceptionally well- attentive, kind, generous- all those great traits that should make him a keeper. HOWEVER, that same guy might not treat a 45 year old woman with the same kind of respect. I guess with my attitude, I’ll never get married.
Veronika 30

To Cat, #13

Thanks for your reply though it did make me feel really bad. I just used the numbers because it was used in Evan’s post and no I did not mean I settled with a 9, I meant I could get a 9 (maybe my non-native english is the problem?) I agree with inner qualities matter more, I only used it because it was in the post and do not use a 1 to 10 scale in my life to rate the men I meet (I don’t use any scale at all cos I don’t rate them this way, it clicks or it doesn’t click, that’s it). To defend myself, I wanted to reason why the post does not apply to my situation. For some reason I felt that I have to defend myself now.

To be honest, I treated him like a prince. And he would confirm that, he said it himself. So that is not the reason. The “4″ you defended went around lying to my friends etc about me and him after he started seeing her and he doesn’t even know. I am such a bad person that I didn’t tell him. Cos I saw he was finally getting better and didn’t want to ruin it for him.
Bill 31

For those you have settled and ended horrible. Are those people who compromise on the wrong qualities. They did not compromise on the right qualities that would make it a good long and lasting relationship. Even Donald Trump, Brad Pitt, Megan Fox, and etc compromises.
Diana 32

Wow ~ where are all these man who want to date me, but I’m not interested in them? I wish that were my problem.
A-L 33

Selena’s #28: Big ditto.

Jane’s #29: Very brave of you to post your list of faults. And though I’m no longer looking for a person to date/marry, I decided to do Evan’s activity anyway. Just to see what faults my fiance is accepting by marrying me:

1) Overweight-am now close to a size 12
2) Not terribly fit-rarely exercise
3) Only average in attractiveness
4) Multiracial
5) Very conservative on timeline to have sex
6) Religious (attend church regularly and am on several leadership committees)
7) Very thrifty
8) Research the heck out of decisions rather than just making a quick decision
9) Have a streak of not completing things (not reading books I buy, finishing home design projects, etc)
10) Not a great housekeeper
11) Am reserved around those I don’t know well or am not close to
12) Only let my wit loose with a select few
13) Hang with the fam a lot
14) Don’t have many friends down here-they’re mostly scattered across the country/world
15) Not big into the late-night scene
16) Not big into large group parties (preferring more intimate gatherings, of about 12 or less)
17) Not a big phone person (at least not when the person’s in-town)
18) Not a fan of most movies
19) Would rather see an opera or play than most movies
20) Preference for international travel & foods (especially/including those that are very different from the “typical” American experience)

Umm, I sound like a real catch! Which is kind of interesting because my family likes to call me Mary Poppins, as in “practically perfect in every way.” But as is evidenced by the list, I am far from perfect. The only thing on this list that’s different from when I was dating is #1, as we’ve both put on some weight since meeting each other, and even when we started dating I wasn’t a size 4.

Despite this list, I still think I was a great catch. And I think my fiance is a great catch too (despite the fact that he has his own list of reasons why someone wouldn’t want to date/marry him). I think that the key is realizing that everyone is going to have some less desirable qualities, but it’s to weigh those against their good qualities. And it’s not even matter to see which size outweighs the other (say, 50 good vs. 40 bad). I think most people have 10 times as many good qualities as bad (i.e. 200 good vs 20 bad). The key though is to focus on the good, rather than the bad. Because otherwise nobody would ever want to date any of us.
Monica 34

so we are supposed to change to make a man we are attracted to like us? That’s not fair!! I have met several losers these past few weeks.. and im talking about men who either dont have a job or dont have a car or both.. and/or has a criminal history… i am tired of finding losers.. where are all the winners at??? tell me, please…
starthrower68 35

Monica,

That’s not at all what Evan is saying. First of all if a guy we are attracted to does not return our feelings, there’s probably no amount of change we can do to make that be different. I believe what he’s saying is if a woman thinks she MUST have the Harvard MBA with the 6-figure a year salary and looks like he belongs on the cover of GQ, that is probably setting our sites a bit too high (unless of course we have what it takes to catch that sort of guy, which brings a whole other set of issues). What Evan is saying is that women shouldn’t limit themselves to a “type”. We should also be realistic in what we want in a relationship and in a partner. I don’t believe Evan is saying anything different to women here than he does to men. But then again, he does spell it out for us exactly what he IS saying in one of his responses so there really is no need to misinterpret.
Kat Wilder 36

Instead of having a mental list of what someone must have, how about a few things we absolutely don’t want — addictions, smoker, racist, abuser, etc. — and that leaves us open to a lot more potential dates.
The word “settle” is part of the problem; settle has many definitions, including to “arrange in a desired position” and “come to rest,” but we tend to see it as “to sink to the bottom.”
Compromise is a better term because we almost always compromise — at work, at school, with our pets …
We don’t always get everything we want; if fact, we often don’t. So why do we expect — demand? — that we’ll get it in love? None of us is perfect, despite what your mom and dad told you.
And Goldie, I disagree — men don’t get intimidated by smart successful women who are giving him what he needs. Think about it.
Veronika 37

As per Evan I collected my 20, too…
1) I’m way too stubborn and too easy to have a fall out with.
2) I tend to get overexcited about things and jump into them (some guys stressed out how they hate this and tell me I should back off or I’ll get hurt, and then they turn out to be right)
3) I overspend my money, don’t have savings (Yes this is a huge fault, I’m not good at handling money and taking care of depts)
4) No car as of now (in between-period, works well w/o car where I live, it’s not the USA)
5) I hate when guys leave their stuff all around my apartment and I say it
6) I talk too much sometimes, way too much, and I reveal too much – I don’t give out others secrets but give too much detail about myself
7) When I get close I tend to reveal too much details too soon (which I really have to watch out not to do!)
8) It’s hard for me to accept when I am wrong, you can prove me 5 times and I’ll still stick to my point and even get into a fight for it, rather than admitting that I was wrong
9) Am a party girl, like to go out and have probably too many male friends for most guys it’s a problem
10) Cannot make a quick decision, I stress too much on stuff that could be decided easily – also if someone hurts me I tend to become bitter about it for days and then people see the reaction cos I cannot shut up. Even if I go to the person and apologise in the bravest way, it should not be done in the first place.
11) I tend to intimidate people (I know I do, still didn!t figure out how…. and how to get rid of this)
12) I tend to use my authority and rights (well it comes across in my work, but since my last crush is a work buddy….) – I tend to “silently prove” to people that I can get things done that nobody else can and that I have the connections – as if I wanted them to fear me. I don’t want them to fear me but to respect as if I were on a “higher level”.
13) I am way too helpful and nurturing, I might still be there to help when a man said he wants to handle his stuff alone. I tend to be “too much”.
14) I worry too much, for loved ones, for guys, dogs, cats etc….
15) Topics such as politics, economic issues, news don’t interest me enough – It’s not that I don’t know about it but it’s boring me and that’s a turn-off for most men I’ve met.
16) I care too much about how I look (probably about how others look as well but it comes across more with other women and criticising them, I never tell a man how to dress etc…. OK I did in serious live-in relationships…) I tend to say I am not good looking and think otherwise and I tend to check myself in mirrors and windows ((
17) I am too flirty. I don’t flirt much in general but it’s too easy to flirt with me and it was an issue before
18) It’s too easy to turn me off. For example, when a guy asks me what I want to do at the start of a date, it turns me off – for me it’s lack of preparation, a sign of weak will or something…. I like when men control but then, they cannot always control right? It’s just that it’s way too easy to disappoint me.
19) I tend to be a perfectionist and expect people to be perfect and do things perfectly – I have too high standards for men, about how dates should go etc.
20) Last but not least, I am moody (as hell). Unpredictably moody, I can be smiley in an hour and look depressed in the next. I get depressed too easily and it’s “written on my face” but even if it wouldn’t my whole body language, the way I speak etc showes it.

Putting this together, I feel like I am a bad person I see why the man I love would not want me. He knows me way too well by now…
Diana 38

Naturally, the 20 reasons why a man would not want to date me would vary, depending on the man. In general:
1. While I have a beautiful and youthful face, I am not slender.
2. I have children living at home.
3. I am about to turn 50.
4. I do not have a bubbling, outgoing personality. I am quiet and reserved [until I get to know you better and then you'd best watch out ].
5. I am not a drinker.
6. I am not religious in the traditional sense.
7. I am not a sports fan.
8. I am not a sun worshiper.
9. I am passionate about the arts which I have found not to be a common interest for men.
10. I am not college educated, yet I am highly intellectual and I have secured a respectable career that pays well.
11. My idea of outdoor activities does not include fishing, motorcycle riding, Nascar or hunting.
12. I am not a dog lover.
13. I worry or feel anxious sometimes.
14. I am a great cook, but I won’t prepare you dinner every night.
15. I need time for solitude.
16. I don’t like gore and horror flicks.
17. I am not an easy putout.
18. I won’t tolerate a man’s abuse.
19. I am a liberal.
20. I owe more than I am worth.
Here’s the thing: I may love photography, playing the piano, museums, plays, movies etc., but I don’t have a check box where the man must also feel the same. How boring would that be? I don’t expect anything different from a man than I do of myself. He doesn’t have to be athletic, and he can certainly be a church goer who loves his Sunday football or a drink with the guys. I am most interested in learning what a man is passionate about ~ not just my own, and what his character is made of. My only initial deal breakers are that he cannot smoke and he has to be living a healthy, independent life ~ emotionally and financially [not how much he makes, but how self-sufficient he is]. And of course, he cannot be married.

I can respect and understand why a man wouldn’t want to date me. I don’t take offense because I feel pretty grounded with myself and in my life. It doesn’t matter how many men wouldn’t date me. It only takes the right one that will.
Karl R 39

Selena said: (#28)
“but there really is only ONE criteria: Does he make you feel good to be with him?
That’s it. You focus on that one quality and all the lists become irrelevant.
If you choose instead to believe you can only feel good with someone who meets the criteria on your lists, then the lists themselves become the impediment to opening yourself up to finding someone with whom you feel good.”

That’s the truth. And when you’re looking to “improve” yourself to expand your options, that’s the one quality you’ll need to bring to the relationship as well. (I strongly suspect Selena already does.)

Anette said: (#27)
“Realizing that those “perfect” guys wouldn’t have wanted to date me, made ME realize I didn’t actually want to date them. Crazy the stuff we convince ourselves of. I also realize what I could easily compromise on and yeah, it’s pretty necessary really.”

I made a similar realization. Over time, I became less attracted to the women who weren’t going to make me happy and who weren’t going to be happy with me … regardless of how beautiful they were.

Goldie said: (#8)
“What got me in Evan’s example was that he, the way I saw it, advised his client (and, by extension, his readers) to compromise on intellect and culture,”

Let’s talk about intellect (since it’s somewhat quantifiable). If standardized tests are to be believed, I’m in the top 1% of the population. If I hold out for my intellectual equal, I’m not just constraining my dating options … I’m strangling them.

If I compromise and date within the top 10%, I’ve increased my dating options tenfold. If I expand from the top 10% to the top 20%, I’ve doubled my options again.

Two years ago I dated a woman who was noticeably smarter than me. (Probably in the top 0.01% of the population.) A couple weeks into the romance, I realized that she didn’t feel that she was dating down intellectually, because she wasn’t dating down anywhere close to the amount she normally had to.

If you don’t consider intelligence to be a compromise issue, that’s fine. I just wanted to point out that the people who are distinctly more intelligent than you are constantly forced into compromising on the issue … if only to have some dating options.

I agree that intellect is important, but it still can be a compromise issue.

R.C. said: (#23)
“From my personal experience with dating [...] a few reasons why I am still single.”
1 & 4. Non-commital, casual relationships, serial dater.
An acquaintance who met this description got married last week. The men you describe stop being that way for the right woman.

2, 5 & 9. Priorities, motivation and commonalities.
He doesn’t have his priorities in your order. He isn’t as motivated as you think he should be. He doesn’t share your interests. All of those could be corrected if you were more tolerant of people who weren’t exactly like you.

7. poor communicator
That’s a two-way street. A skilled communicator can adjust their communication style to match the person they’re communicating with.

It’s easy to blame the other person. It’s also completely unproductive, because you have no control over them.

monica said: (#34)
“so we are supposed to change to make a man we are attracted to like us? That’s not fair!!”

If you’re waiting for dating to become fair, you’re going to die single.

And no matter how much you change, the man you’re attracted to won’t suddenly start liking you. You’re going to have to start liking the men who are attracted to you.

Or you can stay single. That’s a valid option, and the more willing you are to stay single, the less you’ll need to compromise.

brooksie said: (#26)
“I’m starting to think maybe I’m looking in the wrong places.”

That’s entirely possible. It’s also something you can change.
JuJu 40

Jane #29: 2. Though I am impeccably and stylishly dressed and have a fantastic body and a pretty enough face, my “look” may not be for all me.

What does the part in bold mean?

A-L #33: why is being multiracial – a “fault”?
Ruby 41

What ever happened to a mutual relationship, to liking someone who also likes you back? I realize it’s not easy to find that, but isn’t that the crux of it? Why all this talk of settling, sucking it up, listing your faults like you’re defective? Hey, she’s a 58 year old single gal who thought she was too good? Cut the woman some bloody slack already! Kudos to her for getting out there and navigating through all the 58 year old men who think she’s too old for them.

If one is going to list 20 faults, one should also list 20 reasons why one IS a great catch. This isn’t a question of ego or entitlement; we women struggle enough in this culture wondering if we’re pretty enough, thin enough, young enough, good enough. Most women I know don’t have a surplus of ego, rather we have to work harder to boost ourselves up. It seems to me that many more men are the ones with the sense of entitlement. How many balding, paunchy middle-aged guys think they deserve a hot young chick? Do I think I deserve an Ashton Kutchar? No, I’d be perfectly happy with a funny, bright, halfway-decent-looking, creative guy in my own age range who doesn’t think he’s the sh-t.
JuJu 42

Bill, #31:

With my ex-husband the two primary things I compromised on were looks and ambition. He was otherwise a great person – the kind of man who’d always be faithful, devoted, and madly in love [with me].

Only the lack of attraction on my part eventually resulted in my not wanting sex with him anymore (and I saw no light at the end of that tunnel – how do you overcome something like this?), and the total absence of ambition, I guess, affected my overall perception of him as a man. I could not respect it, and couldn’t help the feeling that I was wasting my life with him.

So, yeah, he was a highly sophisticated and intellectual person (a non-negotiable for me), very much in love with me, etc., etc., and it still wasn’t enough. I notice this with other people, too, that some “superficial” traits they didn’t deem all that important initially, suddenly became of supreme importance after a bad relationship experience.
Cat 43

#41 – Veronika, I’m sorry my post made you feel bad! I was just responding to the tone of your comment. There’s no reason for you to beat yourself up over a guy who chose someone else. Just find someone who chooses you!
Ruby 44

Jane #29

“Start focusing on kindness, compassion and tolerance as criteria for evaluating men…a 47 year old man would treat me exceptionally well- attentive, kind, generous- all those great traits that should make him a keeper. HOWEVER, that same guy might not treat a 45 year old woman with the same kind of respect. ”

Shouldn’t a “kind, compassionate and tolerant” man treat everyone with respect? Whether he’s attracted to a woman or not?
A-L 45

RE: Juju’s #40 “A-L #33: why is being multiracial – a “fault”?”

Being multiracial is not a fault. But I guess I was answering for why a guy might not want to date/marry me. As discussed in the race thread, lots of guys will put caucasians only. Or anything but black. And there are lots of black guys who will put black only or anything but white. As someone who’s half black and half white this was a definite issue, as there weren’t all that many people who would check “any” on the race box.
JBL 46

In Response to Karrie(#17)

I agree, men just don’t care about success in a partner as much as women. If a girl is a 9 in looks, fun to be around, and relatively low maitenance, she will have her pick of the litter, even if she works at starbucks.
Guys have to deal with way more dealbreakers(height, success, intelligence, balding issues) that women don’t even need to worry about. Therefore if a guy has high marks across the board he will look for the creme of the crop. Why shouldn’t he, if he’s in the top 5-10% of guys?

Really dating guys who are 8′s even if you are considered an 8.5 isn’t such a big deal is it?
Honey 47

My boyfriend scores in the bottom 5% of the population for tolerance of others. He also scores in the top 2% for intelligence. It makes him VERY hard to get along with – he has absolutely no respect for anyone who disagrees with him about anything and holds grudges for WEEKS anytime he has to compromise even slightly (and the time he will hold a grudge goes up exponentially the more he has to compromise – he is 31 still doesn’t talk to his parents because he’s holding grudges regarding how he was raised).

His dad is on the autism spectrum and he displays a lot of the same characteristics, plus high blood pressure and heart disease run in his family - given his psychological proclivities, the stress of significant compromise is physiologically beyond him. So, for him, compromising on his “must-have” criteria wasn’t really a possibility, which (ironically) is one of the reasons we get along so well. We agree on all the dealbreakers and he’s a generous, insightful companion who is not too humble to admit when he’s wrong – once he calms down. He fully admits that he’s a lot harder to get along with than me and it’s part of the reason he treats me like gold. No one else will put up with him!
Honey 48

While I have a lot of faults, my two biggest are 1) I am a complete intellectual snob, and 2) it’s very hard for me to refrain from imposing control on almost everything I encounter. Fortunately, Jake is smart enough to challenge me and free-willed enough to teach me some important lessons about controlling others. I’m finally starting to realize that there are more enjoyable things upon which I can expend my mental and emotional energies and am a happier person for it.
Goldie 49

@ Kat #36

“And Goldie, I disagree — men don’t get intimidated by smart successful women who are giving him what he needs. Think about it.”

When I think about it, and add my own experience and my friends’ experience into the equation, as well as some of the things I’ve read on this blog, here’s what I see… deep down, most men do, in fact, want to be in a provider role, more or less; most women are, in fact, attracted to a nurturer role, more or less. Which is why, as a general rule, it is easy for a man to date down in intelligence, but not looks; vice versa for a woman. In a relationship where the woman is way above the man intellectually/socially, the only reason she can give him what he needs is by dumbing herself down and by downplaying her social/professional status when he’s around. How long will she be able to keep this up? How long till the man realizes what’s going on? I guarantee you he’s not going to like it.

@ Evan #25 – wow my hands are shaking – am I about to disagree with the site owner? First of all, re: “things you never said” – maybe you didn’t mean any of the things you listed here, but I’ve seen you make statements on this site that can be construed in exactly that way. The title of this post is one example. “Why are you still single?” I almost expect the next sentence to be: quick, run out and find someone so you’re not

I agree with most of the rest of your post. Everyone in a great relationship compromises. Unfortunately, so do people in bad relationships. I think the difference between the two might be that, one, in a great relationship, compromise is mutual. Two, in a great relationship, people do not compromise on what’s really important to them. I’ll offer that we women are trained to compromise, share and give things up in favor of others since our early childhood. It’s when we try and compromise on the wrong things that bad relationships are born.

It is, IMO, up to everyone to come up with their own list of what is important to them personally and what isn’t. The list will be different for everyone. I agree that this list will depend upon what we ourselves have to offer, as well as upon where we ourselves fall short. (Though IMO, our shortcomings are subjective. What seems a fatal flaw to one person, may be a non-issue to another and a major selling point to yet another.) I am still working on mine.

@ Karl #39

“If you don’t consider intelligence to be a compromise issue, that’s fine. I just wanted to point out that the people who are distinctly more intelligent than you are constantly forced into compromising on the issue … if only to have some dating options.”
Good. Maybe one of these people will settle for me Seriously though, it’s like I said above. I think it’s more of a challenge for a woman to date down intellectually than it is for a man. When a woman looks up to her man intellectually, that’s a natural order of things. When a man looks up to his woman and feels he cannot measure up, his dignity suffers.

Thanks everyone for taking your time replying to me, and for your patience. I’m still very new to this.
Bill 50

I couldn’t read all the comments. Spend less time figuring out what the problem spend more time accepting people for who they are because they have to accept you for who you are. Apparently for most of the people where the biggest issues for the opposite sex is understanding that you guys don’t spend every waking moment complaining and always looking for the negative. Instead of the most important thing understanding people and relating to them.
Evan Marc Katz 51

@Goldie: “When a woman looks up to her man intellectually, that’s a natural order of things.”

A) I disagree.
B) If I said this, I would be tarred and feathered.

Thanks for reading and contributing.

Evan
Selena 52

Goldie: “When a woman looks up to her man intellectually, that’s a natural order of things.”

Ugh. That was painful to even read. And it’s a good thing I never heard that, let alone internalized it, or I would never have had a romantic relationship.

Luckily, the way I measure an intellectual equal is by how much we enjoy conversing and sharing ideas with each other. In that, I’ve been successful.
Goldie 53

@ Evan, Selena

Point taken. That was bad wording on my part. I shudder to think of the feedback I’m going to get tonight on this thread. Oh well, I deserve it.

That said, since it isn’t really possible to find your exact intellectual equal, IMO you end up dating either up or down in that regard. For whatever reason, for the first case (the man being the higher intelligent of the couple), I’ve seen dozens of great relationships/marriages that work. For the second case, none. I do not have a scientific explanation as to why.
Evan Marc Katz 54

Perhaps it’s because the woman in the 98th percent of intelligence has no one left to date because she needs to date “up”.
Goldie 55

Thanks Evan for your concern, but, for one thing, my 4-6 weeks on the market have been good to me so far I’m on this site reading how it’s done – I just got out of a 22 year relationship and know nothing about how dating works. (I’ve learned a lot so far, thank you.) Of course, five years down the road I may sing a different song, at which point I’ll save up and email you asking to be your client – you never know!

And for another thing, I think the whole IQ/Mensa/two percent thing is extremely overrated. IQ tests measure but a small portion of one’s intelligence. I would never in my life dare say that there are only two percent of world’s population that are above me intellectually. I’ve been around too many highly intelligent people to know better – I don’t know their IQ and I don’t want to know – it’s irrelevant.
Jane 56

For JuJu #40: 2. Though I am impeccably and stylishly dressed and have a fantastic body and a pretty enough face, my “look” may not be for all me.
Should Read: My “look” may not be for all men.
I look a certain type: Intellectual, reserved, cool.
I am actually: very intelligent, yes, but funny and warm. I am very affectionate and like sex a lot more than men think.
Even though men often say they like my personality ( best thing about me, they say), many of the guys that I have been with have almost all dumped me for the cute “bunny” warm sweet type in appearance. Even if these woman were not as interesting and maybe not as warm.
Evan’s site gives very good advice, but in all honesty. Men are still about looks FIRST. If you meet the bar, THEN it will be about feeling.
I wonder what his stats are regarding the success rate with his clients. How many marriages? Are all your clients a certain type of woman: past her prime and too late to date up, so therefore she must compromise? Most people end up getting married without the help of a dating coach, so I can imagine that those who would pay for these kinds of services are a particularly different, difficult breed.
Oh, I better shut up. sounding bitter, bitter.
Goldie 57

I don’t believe in IQ as sole criteria of intelligence, and as such do not place myself in the “98th percent”.

Thanks again for listening.
Goldie 58

Evan, my apologies for dup post – I thought my #55 had been deleted, so added #57 instead – please feel free to remove either one or both, and of course this one as well. Thanks and sorry for the inconvenience.
sayanta 59

Wow…going to that whole faults list- I’m not even going to try, because I’d be too depressed.

My biggest fault is my financial/employment situation- I may be a professional, but I got laid off three times (funding cuts) in my twenties, have been doing contract work for the past three years, and as a result of this mess, am still living with my family. Try saying that to a potential date!

So- I actually have to do the opposite: tell myself 20 good things about my personality/character, etc. because otherwise, I keep thinking to myself, “I’ve got nothing to offer a guy.”

Not to sound high and mighty, as in “oh, my problems are worse than everyone else’s”- (they’re not, as I’m aware I do have the luxury of having parents who are very supportive of me at this time)- but seriously, being “partially” employed, living at home at 31 even though I have a law degree, is brutal. Add to that the fact I’m Jersey and most men in my age range are in NYC or Philly (and probably not willing to head into Jersey).

I know…most people are probably saying- why even think of dating? Focus on your employment situation. Trust me, I know. If I was 27 or 28, I wouldn’t even think of men (not that much, anyway), but at 31 (32 next month!), I’m at that age where it’s going to get harder, not easier. Plus I had a coupon for Match.

Seriously though- the market is tough tough tough now. I know this is temporary, but it’s already been a few years.

But the other question is- what does that mean I’m worth, regarding men? 65 year old guys with grandkids? Fourth grade dropouts?

I mean…I understand what EMK is saying, but really thinking about your faults a lot can eventually make you think you’re worth nothing (or no one).
Cat 60

#59 – I don’t think Evan is asking you to make a long list of your faults. He’s just saying everyone has faults, so don’t eliminate someone just because they’re not your idea of “perfect.”
Christie Hartman 61

Evan, dude, you really hit the nail on the head with this one, for both the women and the men. In my latest book I discuss the difference between being PICKY (focusing on looks, height, status, and other stuff that won’t make you happy) and being DISCRIMINATING (focusing on values, general attractiveness, and how a person treats you and makes you FEEL). If you want to find Mr. or Mrs. Right, be less picky and more discriminating. You can’t find love if you’re dating with your ego!
Selena 62

Re:#59
Sayanta,
I’ve opted out of the 20 faults exercise also because I’m trying to work on building my self-esteem up not down.

I’m not where I’d like to be either personally, or financially thanks to some disasterous decisions a few years back, so I keep telling myself “Work in progress” “Work in progress”.

I’ve found I can relate to some of the points on the lists shared so far though, that I wouldn’t have considered before.
Diana 63

To Sayanta, I am certain that you are much more valuable than your job. While it’s totally understandable that you view yourself so much based on your profession, I hope you realize that your true self-worth and beauty are not defined by your job.

Your comments reminded me of someone I know quite well. One day, she began to list off all of her self-perceived negative traits about herself, and what could she possibly offer a man. I found her philosophy to be so self-defeating and terribly sad to hear. For a brief moment, I walked away thinking, “Hey, is she right!? What do I have to offer a man?” While we shouldn’t walk around thinking we’re all that and a bag of chips, we can sometimes be our own worst critic, too.

When I wrote my list, I didn’t think of it as faults ~ merely what I thought might cause a man not to want to date me. They are only differences that someone can choose to accept or not.
Karl R 64

sayanta said: (#59)
“But the other question is- what does that mean I’m worth, regarding men?”

I’ve been there. Of the last 20 years, I’ve spent 7 of them as a temp, contract or unemployed (primarily a temp). It makes dating more difficult. It does not make it impossible.

Living with your parents makes dating a lot more awkward. I casually dated a woman a few years ago who lived with her parents and it was … strange. I made several financial sacrifices in other areas to ensure I could keep my own place. (No car being the biggest.)

sayanta said: (#59)
“I mean…I understand what EMK is saying, but really thinking about your faults a lot can eventually make you think you’re worth nothing (or no one).”

Let me flip it around. A year or two ago, you had a substantial list of “must haves”. I believe you’ve improved in that regard. But it’s still probably where you have the greatest opportunity to change your dating fortunes.

There are no shortage of men on Match.com who are being treated like they’re worth nothing. Maybe it’s because he’s 5’5″. Maybe it’s because he doesn’t have a college degree. Maybe it’s because he’s prematurely bald.

There are plenty of men who get consistently overlooked by women. You might want to give them a chance. Maybe one of them will extend the same courtesy to you.
sayanta 65

Selena-

thanks for the response- it’s good to know someone understands where I’m coming from. But, taking it back to dating- how do you reconcile your personal situation with what you ‘deserve’ in a partner? If I say, “I’m not worthy of anyone who’s educated, kind, and around my age, and reasonably attractive” because I’m not financially stable, I don’t end up feeling better! And if I go into a relationship with someone who doesn’t have those above qualities, I’ll end up bitter, because that’s not whom I wanted to be with. I don’t know if I’m making sense- I kinda feel like I’m going in emotional circles here.
Queenie 66

I don’t think that what he’s saying is ‘settling’. I think that we have our nose stuck so far up in the clouds for the “Mr. Perfect” that we are setting ourselves up for automatic relationship failure, because this doesn’t exist. Most of us have a mental list that we go down when we first meet someone. “Oh, he’s wearing a pair of those shoes I hate”. We sometimes seem to focus on silly things before we even give the person a chance.

I don’t think it’s about ‘like the people who like you’, it’s more less of ‘give the people who like you a chance’. I mean, we have our ‘deal breakers’ and we have our “Deal Breakers”. We really need to possibly narrow down the list because honestly, the older I get…the more items that go on the list and well, I’m destined to be single forever.

I do believe that there is someone out there for me but most of us have a perfect image in our mind and when another person doesn’t meet that match, we discard and go onto the next. I think it’s just about bending a little, overlooking minor issues and paying attention to the bigger.
Selena 67

Sayanta,
I don’t think in terms like ‘deserve’. This is what I mean when I say there is only one criteria you need in evaluating a potential partner: Do I feel good being with him?

It eliminates all the lists. It automatically includes all dealbreakers without having to even think much about them. Here’s how:

You are not going to feel good being with a guy who’s snipey, or cold, or mean. (Disrespectful)

You’re not going to feel good being with a guy you can’t trust – the players, the cheaters, the only-into-you-for-sex guy.

You’re not going to feel good with the guy you don’t know where you stand with – the one who won’t call you his girlfriend, the one who you spend hours analyzing in your head, the one who chooses to stay married for health insurance (or any other reason)

You feel good with the guy who makes you laugh (sense of humor)

You feel good with the guy you can talk to about things that interest you (intelligence)

You feel good with the guy who understands everybody goes through setbacks and difficult times (compassionate, kind)

Try not to approach dating in terms of want/don’t want, deserve/don’t deserve. Try instead to approach it the way you do meeting new people without any romantic intentions. What do you do when you meet new acquaintances? Friends of friends? I bet you don’t evaluate them on lists of criteria you carry around in your head do you? More likely, you get involved in conversations about this and that and later on you think, “I really liked ______.” Or “That _____sure had some attitude.” But in either case it’s after the fact. At the time, you just got to know them a little bit without having any expectations – any criteria of how they should be as potential friends, or acquaintances. Do you see? You didn’t go in to meeting these people with the idea, “I’m going to be bitter if this person isn’t educated, reasonably attractive, kind, and around my age!” LOL.

Are you doing anything to meet new people besides Match? If you’re in a slump, you might try just getting out with friends, or on your own to just meet new people, both genders for fun -no expectations. Flirt, make jokes, complain about the economy – make complaining jokes about the economy! The idea is just to get comfortable being yourself around anyone, without feeling you have to conform to some imaginary standards, or hold anyone else to them. What do you think?
sayanta 68

#63, Diana-

Oh, thanks- that was really sweet. I especially like your last line- that’s a good way to re-word it in my head. I know that I’m not defined by my job (or lack of)- I just get questions from men about what I do, where I work, etc. etc, and it just gets disheartening…

The living with family issue- I think, imho, it’s less of a problem when you’re dating men from traditional cultures, or from places where living with parents is part of the culture (think Italy).

So, I’m trying to focus on men from those traditional cultures, but that also raises the whole “conservatism” issue- and a conservative I am not. lol

Karl, as to the ‘improved’ comment. Why, thank you. I’m not going to say there still aren’t things that I can’t get past (5’5…I don’t know…that’s really pushing it, since I’m 5’7 and always in heels)- but I’m trying…there’s a fine line though- I could be getting rid of so many ‘requirements’ that I’m not even physically attracted to the dude anymore. And that’s just a recipe for disaster.
Evan Marc Katz 69

@Selena: I think my readers are getting a little too wise for my liking. What am I going to write if you give all this amazing advice when I’m not around? It’s like this blog can run itself without me…
Selena 70

Nah. We will always need our fearless leader. And it’s because of you and this blog that I’m hopefully able to give better advice (and take it myself!) than I could 3 years ago.
Jane 71

to Ruby #44
In theory, a kind compassionate person should be equally kind and compassionate across the board , but unfortunately, that’s not the way it works in real life. If a man thinks you’re a hot catch, he will always treat you well. If he thinks he can do better…. perhaps he’ll be less kind .
You can’t separate people into “good guys” and jerks. The line between good and evil cuts through all of us. Come on ladies, lets’ be honest: have you ever been with a guy who you though was below your average and then didn’t treat him too well? Probably forgot about it quite quickly, didn’t you? How about that handsome successful guy who was a bit of a jerk? You were hurt and still sting a bit when thinking about it.
Sorry to keep reiterating the underlying theme of Evan’s blog: Ladies, you gotta realize that those guys who you think are a bit “less” than you are actually your equals, because the cold harsh reality is that your value continues to decline as you age…..so that in a few years time.. those same duds you are rejecting, will in fact be a better catch than you ever will be. The sugar coated version is that one should focus on a person’s “kindness” as the main criterion for mate selection. That person should be kind enough to forgive your depreciating value….
Hey, Evan gets paid the big bucks to tell women this everyday ( but of course, in a nicer way).
Kelli 72

I agree with the Goldie supporters here. I’m 29 and I feel I’ve settled always. I’ve always gone for the ‘underdog’ for these very same reasons. I would consider myself a 7. A 9 maybe when I try, lol. I’m successful, educated, and smart. My mother told me this year she thinks my problem is I date below my pedigree. Of course someone who is a 5 would worship the ground a 7 walks on, especially if these scores are based merely on looks and the guy is the 5 and the woman the 7 . I see women settle unhappily all the time. It seems to be the REASON for their unhappiness. Its a no-brainer to go for a man that’s average-looking, that’s not necessarily settling for women. But it is when he’s also stingy with and mismanages his money, has addictions, or just doesn’t take care of himself or share your values. Where do you draw the line? Furthermore I feel if there’s an argument for a person finding happiness by making themselves love someone that loves them, who they may ordinarily not consider, than there is an argument that one can just as successfully hold out for the person of their dreams. For each couple where one person settles, there is also lofty dreamer there who has struck gold in attaining their ideal mate!
Kelli 73

@Jane, the value of a women depreciates with age only when she does not come from good stock.
A-L 74

Sayanta,

You’re in luck. Fortunately for you, a large number of men don’t expect the women to be the provider. They don’t mind if they earn more than the woman in their life. And as countless posts have mentioned, most guys aren’t super interested in girls who are tremendously career focused (to the detriment of other areas of their life). So long as the man feels good when he’s hanging out with you, that’s all that needs to happen.

The top reason this might be affecting your dating life is because it’s effecting your confidence. It doesn’t matter to most guys how you’re using your degree, or if you’re doing contract work rather than a regular full-time employee. But you feel badly about it, and so you put that out there in the dating field. And that’s not attractive. Instead, put a positive spin on it. You’re working. You’re probably saving more money (even if you’re parents are charging you something, it’s probably nothing like NYC or Philly rents). And you place a lot of importance on family. If the living-with-parents things really comes up as an issue, maybe see about finding a roommate for a small apartment.

I first started online dating when I was not working. I’d had some serious health issues due to my job and I was not working for a couple of months. There were kind, funny, intelligent, and financially secure guys interested in me. So it definitely can happen. Keep your spirits up!

(And Selena, your #67 rocked.)
sayanta 75

Selena-

Wow. I’ve got to re-read that. I think what you’re saying is…just chill. LOL LOL Seriously though- that was a very insightful post. yeah, what is it about dealing with the opposite sex that just drives us bonkers? Lol

As for Match- this whole ‘man’ issue follows me everywhere- because my self-esteem has taken such a beating over my situation, I find myself unable to be really relaxed around people in general in social settings- the result being that I’m probably coming across as uptight and kind of freaky. But you know…they say that problems are soul lessons in disguise. I guess I just got to figure out what those lessons are.

EMK- 69-

You’ve said similar things before- this isn’t something you’re seriously worried about, is it? ;-p
Anette 76

@42.

You know what I don’t get about this, is how you can marry and love some-one and lose your attraction for them? Do you think it was looks?

I’ve dated men who were gorgeous, really, really handsome. And then there were men I really, really thought were amazing, one of them was so unattractive when I first met him, I actually felt sorry for him. I thought, he’s never going to get a girl.

Then, I end up going nuts over him(once I got to know him) and couldn’t believe that I’d found him so unattractive.

I really, really do wonder about those that turno ff the way a person looks(presuming they haven’t put on 100 pounds and lost their hygene), did you ever love the person in the first place?

I’m not judging, it just really surprises me constantly when I hear that.

Doesn’t desire, and attraction grow over time? Am I going to lose interest even if I eventually found some-one who I lusted after, when at first I thought they were unattractive? this concerns me.
Christina 77

Well it is great post..the problem is that sometimes human think to much about their society or friend circle and they complete forget that its their life not others…
Kat Wilder 78

@ Goldie,
“In a relationship where the woman is way above the man intellectually/socially, the only reason she can give him what he needs is by dumbing herself down and by downplaying her social/professional status when he’s around.”
That’s an interesting take on things. What is it that you think a man needs? From my experience as a middle-aged divorcee, it think men want to be respected, nurtured, loved, accepted for who they are, appreciated and — biggie here — f@#ked. Evan, am I off the mark here?
If you truly believe you need to dumb yourself down for that, then I wish you a lot of luck finding a mate. Status may be cool in your career, but to twist Tina Turner a bit, what’s status gotta do with love?
Karl R 79

sayanta, (#65)
You’re trapped in a mindset where you think of yourself (and men) in terms of “worth.” (And you’re not the only reader doing this.)

Do you think A-L sees herself as “worth less” than you because she’s bi-racial? She realizes that it limits her dating options, but that doesn’t change her worth (to herself or society at large). Are you worth less than me because you’re not of European descent? Similarly, I don’t see myself as being worth any less than you just because I lack a degree. You might think I’m worth less, but that just means you’re wrong.

If you act like your job/living situation is an embarassing, devaluing thing, other people will follow your lead. If you can discuss it without a hint of embarassment, people will also follow your lead.

sayanta said: (#65)
“if I go into a relationship with someone who doesn’t have those above qualities [educated, kind, and around my age, and reasonably attractive], I’ll end up bitter, because that’s not whom I wanted to be with”

Do you actually believe that you’d be unable to carry on an intelligent conversation with me, just because I lack a degree? Or would you be secretly embarassed about having a boyfriend with no degree, even if he was completely confident when dealing with people of all educational levels?

I set out to find a partner who was around my age. Do you think that I’m bitter just because I met an amazing woman who happened to be 16 years older than me … and decided that I’d be a fool to pass up this relationship just because of the age difference. There are still obvious drawbacks. If we get married (and it seems likely), I’ll be more statistically likely to become a widower than a divorcee. But I’m willing to face that near-inevitability to get a few decades of a wonderful relationship.

A couple weeks ago a yoga instructor said, “The only thing we control in life is the attitude with which we face it.” If you are bitter, embarassed, feel worthless or feel too good to be with a particular man, that is entirely under your control.

Kelli said: (#72)
“My mother told me this year she thinks my problem is I date below my pedigree.”

I laughed out loud at this statement. Dogs have a clear social hierarchy which is based on two traits: attitude, and the ability to back up the attitude when someone calls their bluff. Dogs don’t care about pedigree. Only the owners do. In Kelli’s case, you can substitute her mother for an owner.

Given the congenital health problems endemic to purebreds, I would say that the pursuit of pedigree is to the detriment of the animals. Furthermore, I believe that it is also to your detriment if you pursue ”pedigree” in your personal relationships.
Diana 80

TO Selena #67, excellent post. You have learned well from our master. I keep coming back to this blog because there is always so much to learn.

Your comments to Sayanta ring true with myself. I am not all that interested in or goal oriented toward dating per se. Rather I enjoy being involved with other adults in different social settings and just getting a chance to talk with other people where the pressure isn’t on either of us to “see if we’re a good match.” There are always possibilities, of course. But you learn so much about people.

While it’s my natural inclination to be more quiet and retrospective, I have mastered changing gears and also being the social butterfly when I so choose. I think of it as sort of like sealing the deal on a great interview: smiling, having confidence, being a good listener and talker, etc. I have accomplished a number of dreams in my life that required me to have the courage to step out of my comfort zone and the rewards were amazing!

Anyway, great advice!
Ruby 81

Jane #71

If I meet a man, handsome or otherwise, and he doesn’t follow up after a date or three, I might feel disappointed, but I’ll generally get over it pretty fast. And of course, if a man chooses to ask a woman out, he should treat her respectfully during the date. If a man thinks you’re too old, why is he dating you in the first place? My problem is the jerks – and yes, that is what they are – who will string a woman along for sex/companionship when they aren’t really that into her, and think they can do better.

Everyone deserves to be with someone who they’re great, NOT someone who feels like they could have done better. I can tell you that my happily married friends do not feel like they settled! There’s a difference between expanding your notions and standards to accommodate dating someone great that you might not have considered a possibility in the past…and “settling”.

Karl (#79) said it well when he described his current relationship.
Selena 82

Thanks Diana. I’m where you are in that I’m not goal-oriented toward dating. I do hope to expand my social circle/life this year though and one never knows what may come of that. Which was why I advised Sayanta in that direction – meeting people in different social settings where there isn’t pressure to “see if we’re a good match” as you put it. I think the pressure of “finding someone” might in some cases lead to burn out and the negative thinking that we see on this blog. Not “looking”, but being open to meeting new people might be a useful respite.

Are there any particular settings, groups, activities you could recommend to me Diana? I’m in the rural mid-west for the summer, but I’ll be returning to civilization in the Fall.
SunnySD 83

After a broken engagement, I re-entered the dating world reluctantly. I wanted someone who would make my heart flutter a bit and get my pulse racing, and who would make me feel beautiful, funny and smart. Rather than limiting myself to the types of guys I always dated (tall, hot, younger than me), I made a deliberate change in how I approached dating. If the guy had a nice profile, was at least moderately attractive, sounded fun on the phone, didn’t have any obvious deal breakers for me (like smoking or drugs), then I would go on a date.
I went out with bald guys, older guys, way younger guys, short guys, etc. A lot of the dates were fun (some were awful), and I was often surprised by how attracted I would be to a man by the end of the date even though — by my previous standards — he would not be my “type.” If I had met these men in a bar, without the benefit of reading about them online first, I would’ve dismissed them politely because they didn’t fit the image of what I thought I needed. However, meeting them online allowed me to see more of who they were and not just focus on looks first. Am I still attracted to tall, younger guys? Yes! But I also have found myself attracted to men that I would never give a second glance to previously.
Recently, I began dating a single father with a ten year old daughter. Again, dating a man with kids was out of the question for me before – it just seemed too complicated. When I met my new guy online, his profile did not reveal he was a single father with full custody of his daughter. In fact, this tidbit of info didn’t come out until our first phone conversation (which lasted 3 hours!) If he had put this on his profile, I may have never emailed him back because single dads were not “my type.” Even with my new outlook on dating, I was still not 100% comfortable with the idea of dating a single father. I still don’t know if this is the right relationship for me, but I am giving it a chance.
I guess what I am trying to say is that you never know what you are going to like until you try it. My sister always makes my niece take a “no thank you bite” of new foods. Only after she takes a bite can she decide that she doesn’t like the food. I think this same approach applies to dating a bit. Sometimes its good to step away from our “favorites” and try something new. Then, and only then, can we say “no thank you.”
Diana 84

Selena, I have been moving into new social arenas at a fairly slow pace by most standards, but comfortable for my life and its many demands ~ about once or twice a month. I joined a singles group that’s focused on activities and having fun together vs. looking for a mate. Couples join in too sometimes. Common experiences like dinner, movies, etc. I am also about to join two clubs through Meetups.com. I attend these events by myself, so I have to be feeling extra sunshiny that day.

Thanks for asking, and happy socializing!
sayanta 85

Thanks again…A-L, Selena, Karl, Diana….for your thoughts and insights. Definitely feeling better now!
Selena 86

Re: #83

SunnySD,
That was a great post. It illustrates the idea of not sticking to a “type” or “list” perfectly. And the positive results that can happen when you don’t.
I like the “no thank you bite” analogy.

Maybe we should stop using terms like settle and compromise which are so easily misconstrued, and substitute something that has a more positive connotation to express what we mean. Expanding your horizons? Stepping outside your parameters? Eh…there’ got to be a better word/phrase.

Anyone?
She's Savvy 87

Great post! I think what Evan is saying is very true. In my own situation, I’ve been single for about a year and a half because the men who are interested in me aren’t the ones I’m interested in, and vice versa.

I’ve gone out on a lot of dates and often blog about my experiences dating and the men I meet. On my blog, it’s always interesting to hear the male perspective as to why my dating hasn’t proven fruitful. While I don’t believe in settling, I think it is okay to set your sights on something different from your usual because that obviously isn’t working.
starthrower68 88

Oki Evan, I did what you suggest and I’ll be darned if immediately upon adjusting my attitued, I took the initiative, pinged the guy and found a diamond in the rough. It’s still too early to say what may happen but you were right, darn it….(stomping foot, pouting)….
Sam P. 89

Sayanta,

Could you share more about your experiences dating people from Philadelphia and New York? I too am a suburbanite who often dates people living in a city. The power dynamic between urbanite-suburbanite isn’t equal and I’ve had a few urban girls who hurt me by not reciprocating travel.
sayanta 90

#86, Selena and Diana-

Wow- you two are really good with the re-wording thing! I can learn a lot from you
Nancy 91

Isn’t the essence of romantic love, attraction? How do I make myself want to be with someone who I am not physically attracted to?
sayanta 92

#89, Sam P.-

Well, to be honest, I have had guys from NYC, and Connecticut even! come out to see me on the first date- but it just didn’t work out. I’m really going by what I see on the profile- most of them write “w/in 15 miles radius.

To quote Bill C, I feel your pain. But honestly, I can’t blame guys for not wanting to trek out to Jerz to see some girl they don’t know very well- so it’s not that I’m mad at them for wanting that. It’s just this situation that I’m in (read above posts) that’s frustrating, considering- numbers wise- there are just more men living near and around NYC and Philly. I’m aiming to move to (or at least closer to) either of those places in 6 months- so got a lot of planning to do! In the meantime, I guess I’ve just got to take it easy with the dating part. I mean, it’s either that or go crazy, right?

Not that I really understand the whole online dating process- my profile has been viewed 1200 times in the past week- and some of the same men keep viewing! But no wink or e-mail…anyway, I’m taking the A-L/Karl/Selena/Diana view here…really just chilling and focusing on my ‘issues’ LOL so I can feel better about the situation.
Ella 93

I think this definitely used to be true for me, I used “high ideals” as a way to avoid the risk of dating. In the last two years I have changed my attitude about this and dating has been a lot easier. However, the two guys who have wanted me were a guy who turned out to be an alcoholic hiding two DUIs and a verbally abusive guy. I think I’ll experience better luck eventually, but being with either of these guys would have been settling into a really unhealthy situation.
Karl R 94

Nancy, (#91)
There’s a difference between dating someone who you find unattractive vs. dating someone who isn’t quite as handsome as other men you’ve dated.

Beyond that, it is possible to expand the pool of people you find attractive. Do you focus on the person’s best features, or do you focus on their flaws? With one girlfriend, I could have focused on her too-small hips and too-strong jaw. I chose instead to focus on her flawless skin, great legs and totally ripped abs.

You probably won’t be able to shift that mindset overnight, but you can change it with practice over time.
Nancy 95

How about this? I am divorced after a lonnnng marriage. I receive in alimony more money than most guys make in three years combined. I am accustomed to a certain lifestyle and if I marry again, my alimony goes poof. It may sound shallow, but it is very hard for me to look at online profiles of men who are making a fraction of what I am getting from my ex. If I choose to eliminate income minimum from my requirements then I will be sacrificing a lot monetarily. Is it worth it? IDK. It has been my experience that the more men earn the more they cheat and the more entitled they feel.
Evan Marc Katz 96

@Nancy: You’re complaining about sacrificing monetarily because you make more money…yet isn’t that what any man who makes more money than you has to do as well? Great double standard!
sayanta 97

#96, EMK-

Well, she’s not really “making” money- she’s getting it from her ex.
Selena 98

@#95 Nancy

Do you want to marry again? Feel you should?

In your position I’d consider the alimony as my pension for all the years I put into marriage. I think I’d be reluctant to give up that pension to be married to someone else, so why not live with a future partner without a license?

But aren’t you putting the cart before the horse anyway? If you fall in love, THEN you would be in the position of deciding whether marriage was worth giving up your alimony for. Got to meet the guy first.

Also, if experience has taught you the more men earn the more they cheat and the more entitled they feel…wouldn’t those men who make less than your income hold more appeal for you? I’m having a hard time seeing the downside here.
SunnySD 99

#94, Karl R – This is exactly the point I was trying to make! Thank you for making it so succintly and clearly. I don’t think anyone should be with someone that they can’t stand to look at, kiss, or have sex with. Attraction is a huge part of a healthy relationship, in my opinion. I think it’s just about stepping out of comfort zones and seeing what else is out there.
Cathey 100

This is an answer to Evan’s earlier challenge- what would make someone desirable not want to be with me?

Simply put, I think- no, I know- I put out signals for men to stay away. And they do. I was really hurt by someone 2 years ago, and I just can’t seem to let it go. I know the only one I am hurting is me.
I even talked to you on the phone, Evan, about coaching. I remember it was all I could do to keep from crying uncontrollably during the conversation. You were so kind.
I just don’t know if I have it in me to really be close to someone. Am I lonely, yes, do I want someone in my life, yes. But… I am totally exhausted. And I’m not even dating.
Bleh. I think there is something seriously wrong with me. Another reason someone might not think I’m desirable. Ha.
Nancy 101

Evan, I am not making money, so it is not the same as a man who is earning a higher income. Marrying me won’t make his money stop coming in as marrying anyone, for me, ends my alimony.
#98 If I live with someone that also would effectively end my support.
The scary thing is, Evan, if I do fall in love with a man of any means, marry him, and somehow it doesn’t work out, I lose all financial security for when I am old.
I can stay single, but I do long for a relationship where we live together.
Nancy 102

I understand vis-a’-vis the lowering or changing standards to find the man of your dreams, the one who will love you unconditionally. But what Evan may understand and cannot deny, is that love is a visceral reaction. It cannot be controlled or neutralized. It just is. I am in love (call it a crush) with a man who has a bad temper, is too old for me, and has a live-in gf. But he is dashing, powerful,brilliant, tall, and hilarious. What a gigantic waste of time and emotional energy, but it emanates from deep within, this thing we call love cannot be controlled.
Karl R 103

Nancy said: (#95)
“If I choose to eliminate income minimum from my requirements then I will be sacrificing a lot monetarily.”

If you make this great sacrifice, you’ll potentially be living at a lifestyle equal to or above my own (and that of most of the readers on this blog). Given that my life seems quite pleasant, I find it difficult to feel much sympathy for your situation.

You have choices:
1. You can avoid marriage (as Selena suggested) and have a boyfriend.
2. You can get remarried to a rich man whom you believe will cheat on you (as Selena also noted).
3. You can marry a man with a more modest income and live a lifestyle comparable to the rest of us.
4. You can earn your own money so you can maintain your lifestyle regardless of your spouse’s income.

Choose whichever option will make you happiest.
Ruby 104

Nancy

Does your alimony make you happier than re-marrying/living with someone would? Happier than having your own career and your own income? I don’t necessarily dispute that you deserve to get alimony, but men are not just meal tickets.
Nancy 105

Ruby
I never said they were. But let’s be real. I am middle aged and have been accustomed to living a certain way. Getting a job is something I will do but having sacrificed a career to be a stay at home mom puts me at major disadvantage in the job market. Why is it okay for men to want women with big breasts or blond hair, or for woman to want a guy with a bachelor degree or nice shoulders but we who want a man with earnings reflective of our past lifestyle are gold-diggers?
I accept bald, stealth abs, imperfect teeth, grey hair, wrinkles etc. Those are not deal-breakers. But don’t cast aspersions onto me for wanting to continue to live in the way I have for many years.
Just being honest
Katarina Phang 106

Well, Nancy, don’t get married then. Just get the best of both worlds. Find true connection while enjoying the alimony. Problem solved, no?
Selena 107

@#105

If you find someone you fall in love with, you could always buy adjacent properties.
Helen 108

Nancy, I know divorced and remarried women who still are able to get child support payments from their ex-husbands. So if you are worried about your children, and paying for their tuition, clothes, food, etc., please know that child payments are still an option. This shouldn’t hold you back from pursuing marriage again.

My own personal view is that the one thing worth more than 3 combined salaries is having a loving, caring, fun partner. There is nothing money could buy you that would give you the same happiness and peace. It shouldn’t be money that holds you back from that happiness, if you are interested in pursuing it. Others are perfectly happy and peaceful without a partner. You may be such a person, in which case you have no need for relationship advice. No, I don’t consider you a gold-digger. But it would be sad if you let this monetary concern impede you from pursuing love.
Honey 109

Karl R, I don’t think that wanting to date someone whose education is comparable to one’s own has anything to do with judging people as not being as smart as you. It’s more that it’s one of those experiences that becomes such a huge part of your identity that it’s hard to have much in common with people who don’t share it. Sort of like growing up ridiculously wealthy, or being adopted, or having 10 siblings. It doesn’t mean that you can’t interact with people who don’t have those experiences, or that you judge them, or that you necessarily MUST end up with someone whose life mirrored yours. It’s just a lot harder to truly understand where someone’s coming from if there’s nothing in your own life experience that is similar.

I spent 8 years in grad school (2 years for an MA and 6 for a PhD). So for 8 years in my 20s, I made $15K per year or less; took classes where I was surrounded (more or less) by geniuses; got to systematically explore, tear down, and rebuild every assumption I had about the world; traveled around the US extensively for conferences (meeting even more geniuses, many of whom I entered into long-term correspondence with); learned how to work equally effectively in both collaborative and solo situations; and learned to become equally comfortable and accomplished as both a writer and a public speaker despite feeling painfully insecure about my intellect at nearly every turn.

I spent a considerable amount of time at breweries playing pool or darts and discussing classical rhetoric, postcolonial theory, the differences between the 8 or so completely distinct (and often bitterly feuding) types of academic feminism, the modern literary novel…people who have not been to graduate school have not (for the most part) had experiences even remotely resembling that. I remember my first year in the PhD I thought “FINALLY, I am meeting people who are like ME!!” It was literally the first time in my entire life that I felt at home around people.

It’s not all fun and games – I have $100K of debt as a result, which is another thing that people who’ve never been to grad school don’t understand and often deride. But I would much rather have had those experiences than own a house or have a child, so it’s worth it to me. In the 2 or so years since I graduated, I haven’t met anyone that I have as much fun with or as much in common with as the folks I met there.

Of course, I think the danger that you and others talk about when discussing really educated folks or people that are “book smart” or who do well on IQ or other standardized tests is that they will not be “well-rounded” in the sense of having ordinary interests. But that’s where my 4 years of sorority life, my obsession with Stephen King, fantasy novels, and reality TV comes in
Chris 110

I appreciate Nancy and Juju (see #42) for their honesty, even though what happened with Juju’s marriage scares the crap out of me. For the “strong, smart, and successful” women out there though who believe that men are “intimidated” by them, consider what happened to Juju’s loving, devoted intellectual husband. A guy who still feels completely manly around a woman with more money and status than he has might still have a concern that one day she’s going to decide that he can’t provide the lifestyle she wants or she, like Juju, just can’t respect him.
JuJu 111

Chris, there were a couple of “aggravating circumstances” in my case, though. First was that he went bald (before age 30), and, him not having been very good-looking to begin with, this just ruined his appearance completely. Second was… you must have heard the expression, “Women marry men hoping they would change, and they don’t; and men marry women hoping they don’t change, and they do”? It wasn’t that I was planning to change him, actually, it was that I had a valid reason to believe that things would change – when we got married, he was accepted into a graduate program for industrial psychology, and I thought our financial situation was, thus, only temporary. What happened in reality, however, was that he dropped out after one semester, and never came up with any other ideas on which career path to pursue. (He eventually decided to stay in his dead-end job until the company dissolves or his retirement, whichever occurs sooner. )
Karl R 112

Honey said: (#109)
“It’s just a lot harder to truly understand where someone’s coming from if there’s nothing in your own life experience that is similar.”

Welcome to the human condition. Most people have something in their life that fits this description. For many, it would be impractical to seek a partner who does understand. (For example, compare the number of male combat veterans to the number of female combat veterans … or the number of female rape victims to the number of male rape victims.)

By contrast, most of the examples you give seem downright familiar to me. PhD? My father has one … as do an uncle, a great aunt, 8 members of my choir, and several of my other friends. Adopted? So are two of my siblings, one niece and one nephew. $15k or less? I did that three different years in my 20s. Traveling the US to conferences? My girlfriend does that every 2-3 months (no degree for her either). Geniuses? That describes a significant portion of my family, my church, my workplace and my friends. Highly intellectual conversations on widely diverse topics? That describes a typical Sunday afternoon with my closest friends.

Your life sounds a lot easier to understand than my girlfriend’s does. Some of my ex-girlfriends definitely had lives that were closer to mine than my current girlfriends … but those relationships went nowhere.

What my current girlfriend and I share is common values, common goals, and a mutual interest in a long-term relationship with each other. That’s what makes or breaks a relationship.
SouthrnPhoenix 113

Evan, you make me smile. I spent a year thinking about what I thought was really important, and what I just wanted after divorcing. I started reading your blog months before I started dating. I considered, I thought, I hesitated, and I worked towards being self-aware. That included taking a good, hard look at myself to see what others would think was undesirable. For those of you that shared a list, I will share a bit of mine. Only the top 5 reasons why a man might not want to date me, but as you will see, they are real doozies. Who needs more? Ha-ha!

1) I have 2 divorces under my belt
2) I have 2 children living with me
3) I smoke
4) I cannot have more children
5) I take my time with any relationship. I’m just not spontaneous. (and really slow to make a decision)

With a list like that, some might wonder why I try at all. But hey, they can all be dealt with. The things I can’t do anything about? I’m comfortable with those things, have a sense of humor about them (even the divorces), and just look for someone who will accept those things about me. I figure I’ll have to accept stuff about him too. The things I can do something about just leave me with making the decision about whether to do something. Quitting smoking is hard, but I’m doing it. I refuse to rush into a relationship of any kind, but I can work to be more spontaneous and really enjoy the moment. I just keep on trying to be the best me I can be and keep my eyes wide open.

What I did was create a list of “Must Haves” and a list of “Wants”. I then promptly forgot all the “Wants”. If he has all my must haves, then it’s just gravy and that much more exciting if he has a want. If he doesn’t meet the must haves, who cares if he has all the wants? I just had to make certain my must haves were really must haves and not wants. I wish you all luck regardless of your must haves. If all our must haves were the same, nobody would be single for long. I love diversity! That means there is someone out there everyone.
Joe 114

Right, Karl. Where you’ve each been doesn’t matter as much as where you both want to go.
Honey 115

It’s good to fit in with people who are like you, Karl. Of course, since almost everyone I know is or was in grad school, now all my close friends (and my boyfriend/fiance) have experiences that mirror my own. All of the folks that I went to high school (and most of the friends that I went to undergrad with) do not understand those things and never could. I was the first member of my family to finish college – part of the reason I don’t talk to my family is because I don’t relate to any of them.
Honey 116

Which isn’t to say I don’t interact successfully with people who have different experiences than I do. I “mirror” conversational topics and body language well enough that no one I interact with in person ever feels uncomfortable around me. I just don’t enjoy those interactions; however, THEY do. Which is fine with me – it’s necessary to get along in the world – it’s just that those interactions drain my energy, while interactions with people who are like me feed my energy. In my romantic partner (as in my close friends) I am looking for a feeder, not a drainer. Are there folks out there who aren’t academics that would be suitable for me for a mate (similar interests and experiences, etc.)? I’m certain of it. Are there few enough of them that it’s a waste of time to look, when I’ve worked at three large universities over the course of the last 10 years and have easy and constant access to people who share my values? I’m certain of that, too.
And since I’ve been with Jake over 4 years and we are now planning our wedding, I’m certain my strategy was the correct one for me.
Selena 117

Re#114&115

How is it you chose Lance for a year or, so? He really doesn’t come across in the way you describe your choice of friends.
Shay 118

Honey (#116),

That’s exactly what I’m feeling! I can relate to many different people and I do go out of my way to be friendly. But doesn’t mean I enjoy it all the time. And that also means I attract people who are not of the same frequency as me and they thought that we have chemistry. But its actually not…its a good rapport I’m open enough and take the effort to build because I value them as individuals.

Unfortunately, its not very exciting to be with them/in such situation as Honey said…it saps the energy.

Of course there could be exceptions and Karl is a good example. However, it is still exception to be seen more often in romance novels, chick flicks than anywhere else.
Nancy 119

vis-a-vis Shay and Chick flicks

You know that Hollywood formula we have all seen again and again, girl falls for bad boy, they hook up, boy dumps girl but she still pursues him, all the while the nice nerdy boy in the glasses secretly has a crush on the girl but she sees hm only as a friend to confide in – about the bad boy. We root for the nerd, practically yelling at the screen “Hey you dumb (insert expletive for female) go for the nerdy guy, (once he takes off his glasses he’s kind of not hideous). That is what Evan is doing toward all us dumb %&*!s and we don’t hear him because we LIKE the bad boy. I admit I like the bad boys. They are sexier, more powerful and elusive. I didn’t marry a bad boy, and he bored me to tears. Now we are getting divorced.
BeenthereDonethat 120

I married the bad boy and experienced years of lying and cheating. Give me the nerd.
Nancy 121

T went out with a guy last night, first meeting. He looked fatter and older than his photos and he was shorter than me (height lying). His personality was fine, but I could not feel attracted to him. This is why online dating sucks. If I met this guy in real life in a bar, it would not gotten past hello. I’m doomed to be single and I am not even finished being divorced.
Mike 122

Evan wasn’t saying women should settle. Why do women in particular always use the word “settle” whenever anyone mentions stepping outside their very rigid list of must haves for a man? All he was saying us maybe women should start to broaden their search criteria a little.
I have a few single women friends who have such a rigid list of must haves for a guy, that I tell them all the time he doesn’t exist.
I am 41 and from my experiences over the years, most women i know don’t end up falling in love with a guy that is even close to the one they have built up in their minds.
Ladies losen up on the rigid criteria a little and you may just find the love you are searching for.
starthrower68 123

Mike,

I would submit to you that it’s not just women who don’t want to “settle”; Evan himself says men cannot resist the hot woman who might be crazy. We all want what we want, right or wrong.
IceQueen 124

This is smart, rational advice. Evan is just being considerate.
However, what if you physically can’t settle? There has to be a sexual attraction. And it might appear even with a nerdy guy after a while..
But the point is.. if I give up on the guys looks… then what else is left? He already makes pretty much the same as you (for me the money doesn’t matter much). What’s in it for you? Let’s say you’re a 7… so you pick a guy who’s a 6 with an average income and no spark and ambition. I guess it’s only kindness that’s left there. Which is a great virtue, but it’s too unromantic… it’s better to just stay single then.
Evan at least tells the same thing to the guys.. don’t aspire for a 9/10.. if you’re just good, but not superb. I wonder if most people would tell a guy to “settle” for a 4/5 looks wise or an older woman…
Karl R 125

IceQueen asked: (#124)
“I wonder if most people would tell a guy to “settle” for a 4/5 looks wise or an older woman…”

OkCupid had a fairly recent article that recommended men date older women.
http://blog.okcupid.com/index.php/2010/02/16/the-case-for-an-older-woman/

Men don’t generally offer dating advice to their male friends. They would be more likely to point out that a friend was “out of his league” if he was pursuing someone substantially more attractive than himself.

If a childless man does not want kids, I would strongly recommend he pursue older women. Most younger women want kids. By the time you get to the mid-40s, a lot more women don’t want kids, and their existing kids have left home. (I ran stats off Match.com.)

IceQueen asked: (#124)
“if I give up on the guys looks… then what else is left? He already makes pretty much the same as you (for me the money doesn’t matter much). What’s in it for you?”

What precisely do you want out of a relationship? Is it just sex with a hottie? If you’re a 7 in looks, you could have multiple “friends with benefits” without ever having to bother with the complication of a relationship. Do you want attractive arm candy when you go out? I’m sure you could find some of the same men who would happily go to those events if you were paying their way … especially if they could expect the usual “benefits” at the end of the date.

Do you want something that you can only get from a long-term relationship? If not, then it makes a lot more sense to stay single.
IceQueen 126

Karl,

It certainly isn’t just sex with a hottie that I want out of a relationship. Sex with a hottie I can get without a relationship. And I wouldn’t have to pay a guy to go out with me it seems that you are projecting male thinking on me women aren’t that interested in status symbols so they usually don’t want arm candy.
I want family and a good partner. I would be living with that person daily, contributing, sharing, compromising. So I would like that person to be appealing and physically attractive. Maybe it’s too much too ask. But, oh well, that’s what I want.
IceQueen 127

Oh, and I wanted to add that I certainly do appreciate kindness (maybe I didn’t sound right in the previous comment). Kindness is underrated and is certainly a fantastic quality.
No Crap 128

@ monica #34 “. . . the more willing you are to stay single, the less you’ll need to compromise.”
This!
I have been celibate for the last 4 years, and before then, (mistakenly) became sexually involved with one loser I thought I loved after having been celibate for 12 years. Never, ever again.
I am just not willing to compromise with Mr. Whatever-I-Can-Get just for the sake of “having a man.” I don’t think it’s unreasonable to want a man who treats me decently, is willing to be faithful, doesn’t expect me to support him financially or be his surrogate mommy, and is able to carry on a conversation about something besides some hot babe with implants and a thong. Seriously.
And if what I want is unattainable because I’m not a) 22 years old b) size zero c) willing to put out or put up with any crap a man dishes out, and I wind up spending the rest of my life alone, so be it.
Men are not all that, and being alone isn’t so bad, especially if the alternative is to spend my life worshipping at some 100-year-old loser’s feet because he has a Y-chromosome and deigned to give me the right time of day after the PYT he really wanted spent all his money and then laughed in his wrinkled-ass face.
If more women felt like I do, men would have to shape up. Men act the way they do because women let them get away with it. Period.
I’m sure I’ll hear every man-hating bitter bitch name in the book, but it matters not to me. It is what it is.
C. 129

Hmm, I think this thread has been dead for a while, but even if no one reads it, I think I should write my list of faults so I can see it glaring back at me. Ok, maybe not “faults”, but things that may make me undesirable to some men.
1. I can be bossy
2. I can be bratty, stubborn and pouty
3. I’m very punctual and expect that in others/I like to make plans and stick to schedule/not very spontaneous or “go w/ the flow”
4. I’m very frugal and responsible and expect my mate to be the same
5. I’ve had a lot of sex partners/weakness for younger guys..
6. ..but I want a conventional life with kids
7. While I’m very good at taking care of pets and children, I’m not very tolerant of grown men when they act like babies (ie when they are sick)
8. I don’t like to cook, and perhaps because my father did all the cooking for my family, I see it as a man’s job
9. I don’t like arguments, so I tend to cry with confronted with criticism from a partner, rather than discussing it maturely
10. I like to pick the movies we watch
11. I expect guys to know when something is wrong/read my mind
12. I don’t tolerate smoking or drugs
13. I look younger than my age of 31, partly because of my clothes (jeans, tees, chucks) but I also have a childlike face–think Ellen Page
14. I have 4 tattoos
15. I’m an A cup, and refuse to get implants
16. I don’t like jewelry, heels or nail polish (but getting better here)
17. I often give my opinion when it was not asked of me
18. I like alone time during the week, but expect a boyfriend to have his weekends free for me
19. Probably have some family issues not addressed
20. Not yet living up to my full potential career-wise
Whew. Ok. I did it. Definitely some things here I need to work on…
Goldie 130

@ Kat #78. Sorry it took me so long to respond, I have only just found your comment.

“From my experience as a middle-aged divorcee, it think men want to be respected, nurtured, loved, accepted for who they are, appreciated and — biggie here — f@#ked. Evan, am I off the mark here?
If you truly believe you need to dumb yourself down for that, then I wish you a lot of luck finding a mate.”

From *my* experience as a middle-aged divorcee, ITA with your list. Whether I need to dumb myself down for that, depends on the man. If his idea of intellectual activity is switching to Discovery Channel for fifteen minutes, and his idea of sophistication is drinking a dark beer instead of a Bud Light, then heck yeah I need to dumb myself down for him – because in all honesty, I cannot respect an intellectual slob. I can probably pretend to respect him, though I don’t see the point.

Luckily, I find there are plenty of men in the dating pool that I have no problem respecting. So, thanks for the good wishes, but I think I’m doing alright so far. I just don’t see the point in settling for someone who bores you to tears when there are plenty of interesting guys around. And, the guy that bores *you* to tears could be perfect for some other woman, so why hold on to him? Set him free.

The reason why I left all those comments on this thread was because the original article left me with an impression that it calls for panicking, making knee-jerk decisions, and grabbing the first available guy that comes along, just so we’re with *someone*. I still think this would be a disservice for both the woman and the guy she “settles for” in this way, and really hope that I’d misread the article. If it is, instead, about being realistic and not choosing someone who’s unattainable, because he’s miles out of your league in whichever way, then I’m all for it.
Goldie 131

IceQueen #124, I find that personality, compatibility, intellect, positive attitude to life, the kindness that you mention, etc etc. compensate for looks in way that, after a while, the man appears attractive regardless of how he actually looks. I also find that the hottest guy, after a while, will come across as hideous if he doesn’t have any of the above and/or treats me badly. IMO looks are overrated. They change, they fade, you get used to them when you live with the person for years. Then again, what do I know, I’ve lived and worked around nerds all my life
Zaq 132

I am a man
I am single because option 3
The people I want DO want me – and they are all married
There are lots of them

Its only the single people I want, that do not want me.

It couldn’t be that single women over value themselves ?
Is that why they are single ?
There are a couple of women I know that do not want me, but can’t get a date with anyone else

CONFUSED
Haks 133

Well, it takes courage to list my 20 reasons i wouldnt date me but here goes:-
1. Am too independent .
2 Unresolved issues from the past
3. not very trusting
4. i sometimes give my opinion even when i shouldnt.
5. i dont express my feeling easily even when somebody wrongs me and i tend to hold on the hurt for sometimes.
6. I tend to sweat out the small, insignificant matter.
7. i dont make decisions easily and tend to research too much before i make a decision
8. I dont like cooking and would prefer if my boyfriend would do it (he is a good cook)
9. I tend to keep to myself when around strangers prefering the tried and tested small group of people
10. i could be easily swayed.
11. I expect a guy to read my mind and do what i want – rather what am thinking
12. I give sex way too quickly if i “love” the guy ( am working on this)
13. I dont stand my ground on matters i believe in or i think are worth fighting for.
14. I would rather walk away than have to argue or let him win in one
15. I rarely dress up for my date and prefer the comfort of jeans and t-shirts, even though he says i look pretty sexy in skirts and dresses.
16. am not living up to my full potential (am getting there though)
17. i act unperturbed even when i know something is not well with our relationship.
18. am very poor at keeping time. (am working on this coz it seems to spread to my workplace)
19. I tend to mother my guy sometimes unknowingly wich is something i do with people very close to me.
20. i expect the guy to call me all the time and rarely make the effort to call…actually its more of i demand that he be the one that calls.
Phew!
Not a very easy exercise to do but it does give an inside look at myself and work on a number of things.
Melissa 134

While I know it tends to be true that people are often attracted to others of the same attractiveness…ie 7′s attracted to 7s, I am not fat and disgusting and the men who tend to message me on dating sites are “fat and gross”. I’m being quite serious. In fact, I tend to not be into the “hot” guy that some of my friends are as they tend to have a big head. But I don’t understand why all the men who seem to be attracted to me are seriously over weight. I am not a size 2 and don’t want to be either but I am not seriously over weight. I am a size 8 but the men want the “toothpicks”. It so happens that I am attracted to thin men, the ones my friends think are “too thin”, so all these men who look like they do nothing but sit around and drink beer and eat pizza aren’t cutting it for me.
Julia 135

@Melissa I feel you with not wanting hot men, I am also a size 8. My advice for you is to message the men YOU like. I have always had much more success messaging men first, you are doing the choosing and soon those fat/old/gross guys will be a small minority of the messages you are receiving.

Stop using your weight, which is an average size, as an excuse. Most men will choose the size 2 out of a crowd but would be delighted with size 4/8/10/14….
Melissa 136

@Julia,

I do message the men who interest me and most often don’t get a reply. I am not using my weight as an excuse…actually the äverage”is size 14 so I am smaller than that. I don’t think 8 is big at all. What I don’t understand is why 9 out of 10 men who message me are men who are seriously overweight. Starting to make me think men consider me fat when I am far from fat.
Julia 137

@Melissa I want to ask some more questions to see if we can find a solution, you deserve better than you are getting right now!

Are the men you are messaging all 9s & 10s? are you messaging 6s, 7s and 8s too? How many men do you message a week?
Melissa 138

@Julia,
I don’t message any men I would consider “9s and 10s” in the looks department. As I said above, I have found I don’t usually like the personalities that go with the amazing looks. I prefer the “average” man but men who are thin. I actually have an ex I met yrs ago on a dating site that I was not attracted to physically at all, but I was attracted to his intelligence. I wouldn’t have taken a second look at him had I passed him on the street. He didn’t have a picture posted and wouldn’t provide one before we met. I met him anyways given the conversations we had online. We ended up spending two years together. So no, looks is not what I look for, other than I have no attraction at all to men with huge “beer guts”. Unfortunately those are the men who message me.
I used to send out a number of messages a week, maybe 5-12 a week. Most never replied and some who did turned me off in the first message or two with their silly “hey baby” lines. Lately, I find the dating sites are “same old, same old” very quickly. It’s the same profiles and same men, over and over again. Sadly, many of the same men who were there 7 yrs ago, with the exact same pics, are still there. Given that is the case, I don’t find a lot of men I want to contact anymore. I don’t live in a huge city. I am not in a tiny town either but there are only so many options and “same old, same old” isn’t cutting it.
I met my last bf on a dating site and I came across his profile when he was new to the site. So sometimes now that is what I do… look at the new profiles, rather than ones I have seen 100 times already. I might message 3-5 people a week now.
Gena 139

I totally agree that we connect with who we connect with. I have met men at work, etc who I may not have been initially attracted to but once I got to know them, they grew on me. I think the big issue with online dating (aside from the many married-and-pretending-not-to-bees and psychos) is that it is totally superficial and artificial. You decide in a click of a mouse if you are interested in someone (and they in you) based on a 1-dimensional profile. This leads to a very awkward start that is hard to get past in real life. As for we women in the 40+ crowd, we are at a clear disadvantage. I look much younger than my age (10-15 yrs by all accounts- thanks to genetics and lifestyle) and frequently get hit on by much younger men who don’t seem to care when I tell them I am 44. While flattering, there is no common ground. Most of us just want someone of our own generation, but many men in our age group are chasing after the 25 yr olds because they can and of course, biology (they wasted their youth as players and now need a 25 yr old so they can sire a child at 47, go figure). It does not seem fair that we must be relegated to dating 60 yr olds because to them we are comparatively young.I think Evan needs to educate the men out there, too. Why do women have to do all the compromising? Most of us have careers, homes, and full lives. I want a partner, not a project. I would rather be single than with someone I settled for to avoid being alone. I also agree with many of the women that the same losers are always on the dating sites and despite being overweight, underemployed, bald and jerks, they still think they deserve Brooklyn Decker, go figure. so even w/ relaxed standards, there are still slim pickins out there.
bbbetty 140

Oh boy! This is gonna hurt but I was married for 25 years to a guy that was seemingly nice and stable. The thing is, the sexual chemistry was off from the start. He was more attracted to me than I was to him. I had been with a man I was very attracted to before and he ended up cheating on me. So, I went with Mr. Goodman. Only, it turned out he wasn’t so good after all. Just better at hiding it. I am now single and I like my own company plus I’m learning about who I am outside the shadow of a domineering male. That is good for me. If I’m not sure of myself and what I need why the heck am I going to pull another person into the confusion? Do I want to date? I’m thinking about it. But, I don’t want another “relationship” based on what I had before. I spent a lot of time feeling sexually frustrated because, no matter what I did, I just couldn’t feel that chemistry with my partner. And it got much worse when he started to take me for granted and cheat, oh yes, Mr. Goodman cheated too. Attraction, whether we like it or not, is important. And settling for what you think might be Mr. I’m Gonna Treat You Right and fix it for you, is not always what it’s cracked up to be either. Go ahead and settle, but there is no guarantee he will continue to behave well. There’s a lot of folks messing around out there, especially on the on-line dating sites like Match.com. My ex was one of them. In fact, her was on while we were still married.
Dave 141

Note: this is a male opinion.
I had a slightly different take-away from this article. Katz isn’t asking anyone to settle on qualities that are the typical ingredients of attractiveness (height, physique, income, education, intelligence, etc).
What he’s saying is that you’ve got to discard your notions of what “type” of man/woman is supposed to meet that ideal. If you’ve been mis-educated to believe there is a specific “right man” or “right woman” that you’re “supposed” to be with, you need to un-learn this and start from scratch.
In my 20s, I was convinced my ideal was Asian. I was dead wrong. In my 30s, I thought she had to be a successful blonde who wore heels and looked great in a cocktail dress. Again, wrong.
When I hit my 40s, I wised up. I gave a 40 year old slightly overweight women working in hospice care a chance. She’s brunette, doesn’t look like the platinum stunning blondes in the magazines. And you know what? I noticed many other physical attributes I found extremely attractive. Then I actually got to know her…she’s funny, interesting, witty, and loves sci-fi movies just like me! Who knew. I’ve never been happier or more fulfilled.
It started by me simply looking at “attractiveness” in a different way.
-Dave
Jessie 142

Why are you women listing your faults????? I think that’s the problem with not finding a man. If you don’t value yourself, how do you expect anyone else to value you. As for the blog. I took it as we should settle. I will not and I think it’s really emotionally self destructive to tell women that they should do that. I think the problem is NOT that the men we want don’t want us and the men we don’t want do. I think it’s more that we have higher standards with the men who we are not really attracted to. With the men we want, we tend to lower ourselves to be/do anything that we think would make them like us more. Pretty sad.
Kevin 143

Here’s a thought: if you accepted the 2nd/3rd/4th date, you clearly thought this guy/gal may be mating material. But if after a few more dates or a few months, you change your mind, the problem isn’t him/her – it’s you!
Most people don’t get less attractive over a short period of time. We just devalue them in OUR mind. We look for reasons NOT to be sexually attracted (which, after all, is the bottom line). And when you go looking for people’s faults, you are sure to find them.
So for you women (and men) who claim to just need someone who doesn’t make you feel “indifferent” when you kiss, try giving it some time and maybe do a little better job of kissing on your end. It takes two to tango, and it takes two to create sexual chemistry.
Lady Z 144

The one thing that I have always wanted to know is how can a woman get her vagina to cooperate with her mind? I do know about the ego factor- being embarrassed about what others may think of your man—- But the million dollar question that not even EMK can’t seem to touch is A WOMAN’S SEXUAL ATTRACTION. Check out what Juju said in post #42.
I cannot, and if someone else can please show me- How a woman overvaluing herself has ANYTHING to do with who she GETS TURNED ON BY. So yes, we can use our heads, we can make our list of 20 faults to give us a better perspective of ourselves, I have no illusions about where I fall in the category that is most important to men. LOOKS. I am like a 5 or 6.
The problem isn’t that I am embarrassed, or that I think I’m too good, or that I have unrealistic “checklist” that a man has to live up to.
The problem is that the only place I would settle is in sex! My vagina just won’t cooperate with my head! And what does this mean? Its means that men who ARE NOT SUITABLE FOR a long term relationship or marriage are the ones that make my panties wet. I can’t control this. So Evan, if you know the magic secret for how a woman can become viscerally turned on by an “appropriate” man, please do tell!
Because I think that is the Elephant in the room that no one wants to point out, its not about a man’s height, income, intellect ect. in and of itself, those things are simply INDICATORS OF HOW HE CAN TURN USA ON. So that why EMK gets so much reisitance in this blog, but none of the ladies want to come out and say it—- its female hypergamy at its finest, and making a list of our faults ain’t gonna rewire our vaginas.
I think a lot of women need two men, I know that if I could make the world the way I wanted I would have it that way— You would have your suitable guy for marriage and a Alpha for sex. But to get both in one man? For a woman who is only a 5 in looks? Yeah right.