By: Zann

Zann — Thu, 08 Nov 2007 22:33:22 +0000

Sorry, Evan, both of these essays were great, but Linda’s was just a little more on point — probably because I’m female. The thing I’ve learned when it comes to getting my feelings hurt is to instantly invoke the 3-Day Rule. Luckily, for me, I’ve had some very supportive women friends pound this into my thick skull. Because what seems like a Very Big Deal on Friday, can often seem just incredibly petty by Sunday. How many times have I been glad that I dodn’t acted impulsively and read him the riot act, made ultimatums, staged the great American drama with me as the star. The one thing I’ve never quite grasped, though, is all the regret people have over “not seeing the signs,” those red flags. My response is always, so what if you did see them, how would your life be better now? The justification I always hear is, “Well, if I’d seen those signs earlier, I could have gotten out before I got really, really close to him and it wouldn’t hurt so bad.” Oh please. Am I a freak of nature, or does it always hurt, every damn time an intimate relationship ends? I know the current dating advice is generally to cut & run at the first red flag, to cut your losses. And the implication is that you’ll feel so much better about yourself and you will have cleared the runway for the next, better man to come flying into your life. Okay, I understand the positive-thinking aspect of that, but I’m a realist and the real truth, for me, is that I feel like shit after the split, even if I was the one who initiated the end. Yes, even if I did the walking away, head held high, by the next dawn I always feel one way: Bad. I don’t believe I’ve ever felt genuinely relieved, self-respecting, or free. Am I weird? Because I instead always feel very singular, alone, without, and full of self-doubt. Of course, this passes, but it oddly makes me feel BETTER knowing that there is no better way — either you see the flags and you forge on in spite of them (whether delusional or giving the benefit of the doubt); OR you don’t see the flags and the end comes as a big surprise; OR, you sure as hell saw those big red flags for what they were: a sign of trouble, and you dumped him. Do any of these situations promote happy feelings the day after? I say no. Pain is pain. So instead of beating yourself up about all the pain you could have avoided — had you seen the signs — give yourself a little break from the masochism of regret and realize that you’d still feel bad, even if you’d seen the signs AND acted on them. Because the truth is, if you’re going to be in intimate relationships, there’s a good chance you’re going to get hurt before you get to the good one you deserve. Yes, signs can guide, but they don’t eliminate risk and they don’t prevent pain. And hindsight is always 20-20 anyway.

By: Kara

Kara — Tue, 11 Jul 2006 22:34:37 +0000

Linda: brilliant. I’ve come to the same realization myself, albeit on a different path.

Comments on: The Very Unofficial “Lost” Chapter from “Why You’re Still Single”

By: Zann

By: Kara