This Guy Loves Talking to Me, But Does Not Want to Be My Boyfriend
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In other words, we don’t need attractive or interesting. We need “available”. Attractive is a bonus. Interesting is a fantasy. And that’s where you threw this guy off his game, Robyn. Because you ARE interesting. Because he really DOES like you. Which explains why he wants to get the benefits of your friendship, without any of the obligations of committing to you sexually.
This is confusing to many women because you wouldn’t act the same way. As Alison Armstrong points out, “Men are not merely hairy women”. Stop expecting them to act as you would.
When I was dating prolifically, I hooked up with lots of strangers who I may or may not have been attracted to. Why? Because they were there. The few women I actually LIKED, I treated with more respect. If I got together with them, I didn’t go as far, and quickly downshifted into friendship when I didn’t feel the attraction.
Just like this guy appears to be doing.
I knew from my own experience that I couldn’t legislate attraction.
If what I’m saying is true (and I don’t know it is), I acknowledge it’s a bitter pill to swallow. Attraction’s a funny thing. It’s not always correlated to looks or body type or symmetry. While many people are swayed by the Maxim aesthetic, if you look around at the world, most of us fall below that bar. Thus getting upset that some guy isn’t attracted to you is a futile exercise. Same as some guy getting upset that he’s not your cup of tea. Believe me, it happens to all of us.
Years ago, I remember being told by a highly anticipated JDate (PhD student, thin, big boobs) that she loved talking to me but didn’t feel any attraction. I was devastated – for a day – until I realized that there was nothing I could do about it. I knew from my own experience that I couldn’t legislate attraction.
I’m sharing my personal experience with you, Robyn, just to let you know that being “rejected” because of chemistry is no crime. It’s a universal – and universally painful – experience. But I think it’s better to contend with the facts than to search for some hidden meaning as to why this guy with whom you share a deep connection isn’t reciprocating.
My theory is that it’s not that deep at all – in fact, it’s probably skin-deep, at best.
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66 Comments »Filed Under Chemistry
NewWrldYankee 1
Whoa, Evan, that was so deep…Sorry, had to be said =p.
But I really do think you are right, If he is not starting a relationship with you and is dating someone else, that is a pretty clear signal. I would suggest be happy that you have such a great friend to talk to and get “guy advice” from and find someone who wants you just as much as you want them. It is what you want, and more so, deserve
x 2
I don’t know about this one, there seems to be some mysterious X-factor in play when it comes to whether or not men will want to be your boyfriend. I’ve been in situations in the past where a guy will want me so bad he can’t stay away from me, we get along great as friends, but still not want to be in an actual relationship with me. It was really really frustrating. I guess the only thing to do is realize that if a guy wants to date you, he will be dating you, and if he’s not jumping to date you, forget him.
Loving Annie 3
Basically, this man is a liar if he is saying he is attracted to you and desires you – and then just backs out and wants you as a friend.
That is cruel and selfish, and makes him untrustworthy.
It’s got to hurt to have confusing double messages like that, but I think you deserve better than to be used – and that’s what he’s doing now. Let him go be friends with someone else, and you go date someone who wants to make you number one in his life, and who makes love to you – and doesn’t just talk about it.
Evan may well be right that the man isn’t attracted to you – but then he should have had the decency to not ever say he did. You don’t change your minbd about having chemistry with someone – you either do or you don’t, and this guy misled you when he thought maybe he might want to get you into the sack.
When he decided against it, now he wants to be friends.
If you can’t trust him to be genuine about one thing, how can you ever trust him to be genuine about being friends either and not change his mind ? Get rid of him. Friends isn’t all you want, so don’t settle for crumbs/being/ second-best and have the humiliation of hearing him talk about other women when he meets someone else.
Honey 4
What Evan says may be true, I don’t know (and, as he admits, neither does he). But he SAID he doesn’t want you to be his girlfriend, so does it really matter why? As long as he’s treating you like a friend, treat him like one.
Cathouse Teri 5
Even is right. There is no way to anticipate or manipulate attraction. And there is also no reason to take it personally when someone is not attracted to you “in that way.” (He’s obviously attracted to you intellectually, etc.) For whatever reason, he has chosen to become involved with the other person he has been seeing. And yes, it could be that it is just the path of least resistance. Who knows?
If this keeps happening to you, it’s only because everyone struggles with finding someone they connect with on a number of levels. And then hoping that this same someone is willing to do what is required to develop a relationship. A lot of hope involved, and a lot of failure. But again, take none of this personally.
Move on. TONS of great guys out there to share the pleasure of your company with.
Kris 6
If these assertions have actually been made by the man, “He’s physically attracted to me and even desires me sexually.” then he just doesn’t want to risk changing horses in mid-stream. Many men, and women, will play it safe with what they’ve got. Some, also, are attracted to relationships where they are manipulated to hang in there. If all you want is a friendship with this man, great! You’ve found a great friend. If you want more, end it. Maybe that sounds severe, but you will get what you settle for. When I was a more “prolific” dater I found men were more interested in a woman who had the courage of her convictions. Think about what your own relationship goals are and how you can care for yourself best. Moving toward those goals will either cause this man to make a choice in your favor, or he will drift out of your life, which is as it should be with someone not willing to commit to you, but who keeps jerking your chain making statements like the above and paying a lot of attention to you. Sounds torturous.
Good luck!
~Kris
JuJu 7
Then what exactly is pushing him to say that he “sexually desires” her? It’s not the kind of thing you just say when prompted.
I am not claiming that this must mean necessarily that he IS attracted, but there might be a possibility that he really isn’t the wonderful person she thinks he is.
zann 8
Robyn — Wow. This letter could have been from me. Thanks for putting it out there. And Evan: thanks for your answer, but I’m still baffled. I would love nothing more than to figure out why so many guys seem to enjoy writing to me, reading my writing, talking to me, meeting up with me, going out with me to a wide variety of cultural events, complimenting me, flirting with me, and seem to enjoy being seen with me, and yet. . . . when it comes to choosing me as an intimate other, a girlfriend, a partner, it’s “gee, I just don’t think so.” BUT they are quick to tell me how much they value our friendship and want to continue it because I’m so fun, interesting, cool, smart, creative, yada yada yada. I’m to the point where I feel like my fate is to have lots of interesting guy friends but no boyfriend, lifemate, significant other or whatever you want to call it. So, Evan, are you saying a guy can find a woman to have depth, personality, intelligence, warmth, and generousity, and even also find her physically desirable, but still not be “attracted” to her as a partner? Is this mysterious “attraction” you speak of really that elusive & impossible to define? Or could it be that men fear having the whole package — you know, the woman who’s got her shit together and is secure about it, who also is warm, funny, optomistic, interesting AND whom he also finds physically desirable?? If so, would a man ever admit to that fear? Even to himself?
LJ 9
Or it could be that he just can’t “get it up” and he doesn’t want to admit it.
JB 10
I have a lot of women I “love talking to” but have absolutely NO desire to kiss them, touch them or see them naked under MOST circumstances …lol They ARE and for the most part ALWAYS will be in the “friend zone”. And it’s the opposite for a few women & me and there’s nothing I can do about it except not give them any of my valuable time etc… I say “hello” then move onto women that DO show interest.
Believe me if I or any other man has REAL interest in a woman they will KNOW it.
MC 11
I’ve had a similar experience to Robyn’s recently, although we never were close to go to bed together. He would spend most of his time with me, enjoying my company, laughing at my comments, convincing everybody around me he had romantic feelings for me…
Well, he didn’t and he said it very clearly. He thinks I’m cool, I’m great, he feels very lucky for being my friend but… he doesn’t feel “that way”. I think Evan is right here, and it’s hard to accept. But Robyn: once you understand this is the only way things are you’ll be happy, because you’ll be closer to understand (or accept) that men are just different.
As for me, I’ve decided to not try to analyze as before. If a guy has feelings for me, according to Evan, he will let me know in time. Oh, and for the record, he is still single, so am I, and he keeps calling me and seeing me as much as before… But I’ve promised myself I won’t let any other guy confuse me!
Jennifer 12
When a man really likes you, is attracted to you and wants you to be his girlfriend, you don’t have to ask, you will know because he will let you know. Think of how much easier a relationship is when you don’t have to feel insecure, wait for him to figure out his feelings, feel like you are being lied to, etc. It sucks that he doesn’t want you to be his girlfriend, but he doesn’t. And you shouldn’t try to change his mind because even if you succeed (very slim chance) you still won’t have what you really wanted: someone who is into you enough that you don’t have to chase them down and convince them that you are right for them.
Now, all of the interest that he’s taking in you, talking all the time, asking your opinion etc. i can see how that would be confusing for you. You are probably constantly on the lookout for ‘signs’ that he’s changing his mind, or over analyzing his words and actions. That’s gotta be exhausting and disheartening and if I were you, i’d take a break from him.
Ruby 13
I don’t quite agree with Evan’s assessment. Sounds pretty straightforward to me – the guy was already dating someone. He may feel an attraction to you, but I think he’s simply not really available. Keep him as a casual friend if you like, but find someone who is truly unattached. Perhaps he wants to keep you around just in case the other relationship doesn’t work out…I say don’t fall for that. Don”t be so available for this guy to chat with. I’ve been there – trust me, you will be wasting your time.
B 14
I have found that if you really want to meet someone, it is best not to pursue a friendship with these types of guys, as nice as it migh be to be “friends” with them. You waste too much time trying to figure out why this guy who you get along with so great doesn’t “like” you, AND it takes an unneccessary toll on your self esteem. It’s better to focus your “friendship” energy on your girlfriends and your guy friends who you are not attracted to, and also spend your time putting yourself out there to meet someone available who is attracted to you.
hunter 15
Sounds like a sensitive man to me, and he was turned “off” by something she said.
downtowngal 16
Evan you’re making this sound waaay more complicated than it actually is.
Remember that letter you posted recently about the woman who was dating this incredible guy but he wasn’t fully committing to her, only calling sporatically, seeing her once a week and sending mixed signals? You said he was using her.
Robyn’s guy’s doing the same thing to her. It doesn’t sound as if she’s fallen into the ‘friend zone’, because he said he ‘desires her sexually’. It sounds as if he wants to have his cake and eat it, too. Perhaps there’s somethig missing from his relationship that’s causing him to seek friendship from Robyn. Or he has intimacy issues and for some reason doesn’t want to have a relationship with a woman who is his intellectual equal.
If a guy is happy in a relationship he’s not going to want to spend so much time with another woman.
Bottom line is that this guy’s being a selfish asshole. Robyn, if you’re not getting what you want from this guy then move on, there’s nothing you can do to change him.
A-L 17
I’m wondering, did the guy tell her he found her sexually attractive, or is this the OP’s opinion? Let’s read what she says:
Here’s the thing. He tells me he loves talking to me. He’s physically attracted to me and even desires me sexually. He remembers what I say and asks me about my life. He tells me his ideas and asks me about mine. But he does not want me as his girlfriend.
The only thing it’s clear that he’s said is that he loves talking to her. It appears that everything after that statement is the OP’s opinion. That first statement does not make him some sleazy, using guy. It makes it seem as though Evan’s point is that much more likely. He enjoys talking to her and enjoyed the time that she was “available” but is not attracted to her. And he now likes her well enough that he doesn’t want to use her in a friends with benefits way, as he doesn’t see it ever becoming more than that.
What does cause a question mark on this guy is his behavior while he was still seeing someone. He’s texting, e-mailing, flirting, and almost sleeping with another girl. Granted, it sounds like his relationship may have been on the rocks, but at least end it before you move on to someone else.
My $0.02.
Jennifer 18
One thing in the letter to me that stood out to me, ‘he desires her sexually’ yet they stopped short of sleeping with each other. And haven’t found themselves in that position again. Either he doesnt’ want to cheat on his real girlfriend (possible, but i don’t think it’s the true reason with this guy) or he doesn’t ‘desire’ her all that much. Guys who ‘desire’ women don’t spend all of their time talking to them and no time trying to see them. Not a lot of romantic stuff for Robyn to hang her hat on here.
Marc 19
I’m with downtowngal. Sounds like he’s using you to so he can feel like he has options. Even if he has no intention, or even desire to cheat on his girlfriend, he wants to know that he can….Yeah, guys do shit like that.
Loving Annie 20
LJ and downtowngal – thank you !!!!! Robyn, they are probably BOTH right !
BA 21
It could be as simple as the guy was casually dating two women (nothing wrong with that), slept with one and then put the brakes on with the other afterwords. He doesn’t want to completely break it off because he likes you and wants to keep you as a friend. You and he might share a common bond of some type but he has a sexual bond with her. It’s apples and oranges – the two can’t be compared evenly. She might be absolutely amazing in bed. I can’t speak for women, but as a guy, if I’m having really great sex it would take a lot to get me to break up with a girl. Actually, if I’m getting any sex at all I would be reluctant to break up.
If you’re truly interested in this guy, I would keep your distance and limit your contact. As long as he’s sleeping with her and getting his intellectual stimulation from you, he has no reason to date you exclusively. Once you’re out of the picture for a while he might get bored with her and realize what he’s missing. My parents started dating about 45 years ago under very similar circumstances.
hunter 22
Loving Annie on post # 20
You maybe right, not all women give guys erections!……….LOL!…..OMG!….
Lance 23
The letter isn’t really about the guy being available, unavailable, or a douche, it’s really about Robyn the letter writer. Notice she mentions in her second to last para that “this has happened to her before.” What she really wants to know is how to attract the right men and what to do to find them.
We know virtually nothing about Robyn, but I’d guess there are issues there are holding her back from attracting them she wants. She should examine her presentation (looks and dress), how she projects herself sexually, and what kind of connection she forms when initially meeting men. If you want to attract a man as a sexual partner, then you need to establish a sexual tone at some point. Also, is she going out to meet the right guys? Just a couple of thoughts.
Lance 24
Also wanted to respond to Teri’s comment #5. Attraction CAN be anticipated and manipulated. That’s the bread and butter of any pickup or social artist.
Jojo 25
At least this guy was honest about the other girl. He didn’t have to say anything about her and could have kept talking to you and misleading you. It seems that he likes getting sex from the other girl and likes talkking to you. Since you like this guy, I would keep my distance because talking to him will keep you from looking for someone that really wants to be with you. I was in a situation where the guy loved talking to me and we would talk for hours on the phone. We went on some dates and we did have sex. It didn’t seem like he put effort into spending time with me even though he lived an hour away from me. I felt like I always had to initiate when we would see each other. When I finally talked to him about it, he told me that he does what he can. I never undrstood how he liked talking to me and even enjoyed sex with me, but would not make the effort to spend time with me. I just called it off and told him I didn’t want a phone relationship. When someone lies you, they will make the effort. I stopped speaking to him all together because I didn’t want to set myself up. It’s best to keep your distance and if he cares, he knows where to find you!
downtowngal 26
L J, I think you’re right, it could be that Robyn’s allowing her expectations to get in the way here. Not that this guy is a saint, but that it seems to be a pattern with her. Perhaps Robyn’s being too giving and having expectations about the wrong guys.
Robyn, I suggest you decide what you want and act accordingly. Easier said, I’m sure, but if this guy’s not giving you what you want, he won’t change so you should move on.
Cute Redhead 27
In a way I’m just thinking “who cares what’s going on with this guy.” Really — he probably doesn’t even know himself. People do and say all kinds of weird things, especially where sex and romance are concerned. What’s troubling is that the OP even cares enough about it to write in. I do understand that mixed signals are maddening and, in an odd way, fascinating. An analogy: If you were struggling on a trek through a desert and spied an Evian bottle in the distance you’d be all excited. But if when you reached it and it were empty, would you keep trying to get drops out of it? And then obsess about why it was empty?
“Maybe it evaporated. But the cap was on! Can that happen?”
“I bet someone else drank it. People in the desert are so selfish!”
“Maybe when it came out of the bottling place in France it was empty and the QC person didn’t notice!”
“Now why don’t they have watering stations here in the desert, like they do at marathons. Life would be so much better!”
Except that it isn’t any better than what it is — it just what it is. The guy is a desert.
hunter 28
I like the Evian water bottle analogy…..
hunter 29
Many of us guys are the desert. Most of us remain there, ’cause the average man does not study relationships/human behaviour. And to top off, the few of us that do, rarely find answers…..
LJ 30
Post 27 Cute Redhead,
Isn’t that the definition for insanity? Doing the same thing over and over but expecting a different result. We ALL do this occasionally because we want a different result so badly, because we can see ourself being really happy with this person, etc. It’s a very normal experience to have.
And if it troubles you so much that the OP wrote in about it, then why do you read a dating advice column? Just sayin…
The Baltimore Babe 31
All very good advice above. Keep the guy has a contact, but pull back on the communication and go out with the girls for a couple weekends in a row. Go out to dinner with the gals and just keep too ‘busy’ for this guy. Along the way, Robyn will regain her confidence, have fun, and may meet someone new and interesting…
C. Crestwood 32
I think really whats going on here is two things: The man she had the attraction to probably already was courting the other woman. I myself find that although I may have a woman I’m dating I will still find that there are a lot of interesting attractive women out there I love to be around, and yes I am intersted in going physical. However I have the respect to the girl I’m dating that unless the second option is a lot better and possibly easier than what I have then there is no reason to get rid of what I have. Lazyness drives all of us to a point and its nothing personal.
Second, is it possible you came on as desperate? After only a little time you confronted him on the phone with the horrible phrase “What are we?” I personally find this as a red flag. I want to be somewhat casual with a girl and if she brings that up too soon I will cut ties, because then I know she will want to rush into everything else, moving in, getting married, and having kids. Personally if thats not what I want right now I don’t want someone trying to pressure me into it.
-C. Crestwood.
Cute Redhead 33
LJ: It doesn’t “trouble” me.
Rynn 34
Relationships between guys and girls are always complicated. It never fails that one person is always more into the relationship than the other. The situation varies either one is feeling the chemistry while the other is feeling the friend vibe.
I constantly was encountering this in the dating world. I just recently joined one of those dating services and men and women are open about what they want. Before you meet someone you get a look at them – personal life – what they want out of relationship. From there you say yes or no to meeting them. If you aren’t interested after meeting them your open and honest about it before it goes further. It seriously eliminates the heartache.
LJ 35
Cute Redhead…go back and read your post, these were your words…
What’s troubling is that the OP even cares enough about it to write in.
Cute Redhead 36
LJ: Maybe we’re just parsing words here, but I don’t see how you got from my saying something is “troubling” (to me a minor throw-away comment) to the OP’s contribution being something that “troubles me so much.” It doesn’t “trouble me so much.” It doesn’t trouble me at all. You exaggerated my degree of discomfort with the situation and I felt sufficiently troubled by that to correct you.
Anony Mononny 37
I’m a young woman who has a tendency to over-analyze things, big or small, to the point of exhaustion (and the exasperation of my peers). If I were Robyn, I’d cut the bastard loose; if he wants an intellectual equal to talk to, he should go find someone where attraction doesn’t even fit into the equation (i.e. a male friend).
Selena 38
I agree with the posters who have suggested he was casually dating Robyn and someone else (perhaps more than one?) at the same time and picked the other one for romantic purposes. I’ve been in situations like this before–both as the one who was “picked”, as well as being the one who wasn’t. Always a disappointment when you think the guy really likes you and you find out –uh, well, he likes someone else more.
Robyn, I think all this “talk”, intellectual stimulation, is merely this guy’s way of keeping you “on the back burner” in case his current relationship doesn’t work out. If you are okay with that, fine. If you can ‘just be friends’ with him, fine also. But if you are really attracted to him, your sanity is better served by making yourself unavailable to him. And as far as this having happened before–it really is simply a matter of finding that person who connects with you on ALL levels and that can mean getting 10 -20 “No’s” before getting a “Yes!”. Try to be patient. You will find the guy who picks you over anyone else.
Julia 39
I think that guy is attracted. I just think he is keeping his options open. probably flirting around, trying to find the best match for him…trying to figure out things before he commits to you. he is quite smart, you should do the same!!
enjoy the friendship, it is how the greatest love stories grow…why look for a ridiculous label for it “boyfriend-girlfriend” & “dating” are notions that didn’t even exist back in our grandparents days. just enjoy the friendship, go out, live your life and see where everything leads. stop having expectations!! learn to love someone without expecting something in return from them, without it being necessary to fit into a description of something you have to label and must explain to others.
victoria 40
Oh Julia, what a lovely thing to say ” ..learn to love someone without expecting something in return from them…” that is so soothing a comment, oh it is…
lisa 41
Yeah I’m in the same sitation, except we are in a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship , however I can tell there’s no future for us as getting married one day, having kids etc. He just isn’t attracted to me enough…
Julia’s comment is plain ridiculous, absurd. Personally I don’t think you attitude is healthy. Everybody wants and needs to be loved back.
As for my situation, I’m ok now, but once I or my boyfriend meet someone special ( I’d say the One ) our relationship will have to be terminated.
You can’t make someone to love you.
Zann 42
After reading more of these comments over the months, I’d like to add another. I don’t think there’s anything ridiculous OR absurd about Julia’s comment (#39). It’s a healthy, mature way to look at all relationships. But it may be a matter of your age, experience and where you are in your life. At my age (50s), I’ve learned I can be friends with a man who, for whatever reason, is not attracted to me — for whatever reason — the same way I am to him. If we click enough to have a respectful, fun friendship, it’s worth it to me to remain friends, because true friendships are hard to come by. In the meantime, though, I don’t stop looking for a man who wants more with me. I don’t see this as making myself too available or disrespecting myself. I benefit from it, and I know that if this particular friendship didn’t evolve into something intimate, then there’s another, or many, out there that will. But I want to point out one added perk I’ve discovered in staying friends with a man I thought I wanted more from, and that is that the more time I spend with him, the more real he becomes — less of a romantic icon or fantasy and more of a human, flaws exposed. And in a couple of cases, it was during that friendship that I realized he was not the romantic match I thought he was, and I can be happy for him if he finds love with someone else. I never thought I’d get to this point in my life, and it probably won’t work for everyone in every situation. But I don’t feel tortured, used, or longing for more in these friendships. I just feel satisfied. Go figure.
Emily 43
Well, this is a “must reply” for me. I have been in an “experience” with a man …will call him “Joe” to protect the innocent… And I can relate…
1. after being encouraged to meet & date this man for 3 years by a life long friend, I finally met him 9 mos ago in person and the sparks flew.. and have been flying ever since BUT
2. As we talked/dated/became best of friends, and even got physical I observed several “red flags” such as a demand for privacy and entitlement issues that would allow him to be “disrespected or misunderstood” on the turn of a dime.. My ititial feeling was that this guy was on an ego driven head trip..and like a broken compass..unsure of who he wants and when..not to mention anyone questioning him about it.
3. We agreed to back off and “just be friends” and then he got a case of the “I Love Yous’” He wanted to get back together and agreed that we were brought together by divine intervention…So we got back together..then
4. The physical jestures of admiration and sex stopped out of no where six mos later…”the turn on dime trick again eeeghh??”..yes I see a pattern here…So I said..What’s the deal? and he said…
5. I Love You & I am sooo physically attracted to you, but I just am most afraid of losing you…We should really work on being the best of friends.. I don’t want to lose that……
-OK-so I admit I was frustrated, humiliated, and kicking myself for being in love with someone sooo emotionally unavailable….so I decided to be proactive..I said, “Well, ok yes I respect that, however it seems like a contradiction if two people love each other, are physically attracted to each other, have awesome sex,speak everyday, see each other at least 4x a week and then have to restrain and Just be friends…I said, part of just being friends is being ok with each other dating other people, even marrying someone else, and that if I am more than friends with someone that I require a commitment that we are only with each other as a couple…He said, “I think we are on the threshold of something big here”…I said thanks for the friendship and politely hung up…. After a 2 hour sob session, a pack of cigs, and a six pack…I passed out cold…woke up feeling hungover and played like fiddle…I went about my day. I then get a text asking if “i am feeling ok?”…I ignored it..then get a voice mail an hour later with him telling me he Loves me again.. (AAAAAAAAAGGGGHHHHH) Talk about upseting and frustrating…well i ignored that too and have come to the realization that “When Harry Met Sally” is the best cure for this delima, and to quickly flirt and schedule as many dates as possible is absolutely necessary, and then if he asks to get together to politely say..”I have a date scheduled, but maybe in a couple of weeks or so we could get a coffee?” and either he will propose to you or be married already, but either way the rest of your life starts today, and as far as I’m concerned young ladies should move on and not chase anyone but be chased, and if someone wants to join you on your journey, they will stand in front of you and get down on one knee and commit….until then live it up sister!
J 44
If he wasn’t attracted to her, why would he say he desired her sexually? I had a similar situation where the guy wanted to have sex with me, how can it be that he wasn’t attracted to me? Thats messed up crap.
xyz 45
The guy who wrote the answer to the asker stating how a man can sleep with a woman even if he is not sexually attracted to her does not know what he is talking about.
There are many different attractions.
Intellectual attraction = you like talking to the person FOR HOURS, you like how she/he thinks and arrives to a conclusions, you like mental stimulation and all that comes through the MIND.
Sexual attraction/Physical attraction = your body responds to someone and you like having sex/making love with that person MORE than once. You like having physical sexual CONTACT with this person.
Emotional Attraction = you like how someone makes you feel, they are kind, and respectful and when you see them you smile, you are excited, happy and you feel warm.
Soul Attraction = Connection to someone’s soul, in spiritual sense you feel the person, their soul is “old”, wise, etc… you feel like you know this person from somewhere, from the past lives etc…
Why does he wants friendship and not a realtionship?
BECAUSE a relationship might be “scary” to him. He was burned and knows your value. He knows you could be The One and if he becomes your boyfriend he will fell in love and want to spend the rest of his life with you.
To avoid this he made an OBSTACLE ( another woman not on his level ) in which he can not fell in love and such RL is like a wall.
He is sabotaging it * making you to go away * because your closeness is a THREAT to him. He knows if he would be with you, he would be yours in heart, mind, body and soul.
He wants to keep you as a friend because truly he might even be in love…. he is trying to AVOID falling harder so friendship seems to be safer … for now.
SOLUTION:
Tell him you accept being friends but do not initiate calls, texts etc… let him miss you… and look for you…. make sure you tell him you can not communicate the same way after he stated he has a girlfriend because he is * not available * and this is against your morals.
He will be faced with his real emotions and if these emotions are really strong he will end that BS he has with a woman he does not really like and is not his equal OR he will sacrifice his own happiness and become a VICTIM of his own past. ( someone hurt him in the past he is not eager to try love again ).
Good luck and let us know what happened!!!
( By the way this is heavy question and most people are not skillful enough to determine the real REASON of his behavior )
Ref: – my experience – Psychology degree
primo 46
XYZ, This is exactly the same situation I find myself in with my very best friend (who for thirteen years who I absolutely adored and who I spoke to many times a week). I was married for all that time and went through a divorce. Once my ex-husband had moved out, my best friend who had begun flirting with me and I began to feel that there was something going on, rang up and asked: what would make you happy? I said for him to come round and have a cup of coffee. Sure enough he came over, we had a cup of coffee, I made dinner and we ended up in bed together. The following weekend he came back and there we went again. But the following weeks he started to make excuses for not coming round and I had a very hard time controlling my emotions – I had fallen in love. This was the man who knew everything about me and for 13 years had been a constant in my life – sleeping with him had been like a dream come true and an experience that we had never considered until I got divorced. Suddenly it became perfect that we felt an attraction that I thought had grown out of years of friendship. Silly me – he has told me he does not want a relationship and wants to be just friends with no sex whatsoever. I’ve told him that is now impossible for me as I have fallen for him. I do not regret my honesty – I could not just hang around on the chance that he may want sex and more commitment. I am WORTH MORE THAN THAT. But my heart has been badly broken and I am still not over him. We have not spoken for two weeks – he has not called and I cannot bear to chase him. I am so disappointed in myself but do not regret the sex – it was MAKING LOVE and although he chooses to walk away from me, he cannot fool himself about that. I think he was falling in love too but was scared. He had been married for many years and is divorced like me. Sadly, I think he will become a victim of his past as you state above and choose to walk away from the possibility of happiness. Even sadder: one cannot force someone to love them. In time I will get over this but it will always hurt. To get over my heartache I have been throwing myself into more work and seeing friends for dinners and the like. I make sure I am busy and not available. If he calls, I will expect him to say I miss you and want to be with you as a lover. We can never return to being friends – he should understand that.
Women have to be strong in these situations or we will forever be undervaluing our selves and denying our chance to be happy. In a relationship both people have to agree to what they want – either we stay friends or we walk away or we have a relationship – one can’t choose and expect the other to follow.
elizabeth 47
you need to work on cultivating an air of mystery and playing hard to get. if you act like a lap dog, all happy and eager to take whatever love you can get you will lower your value in his eyes and thus your potential for companionship plummets. certain men love the chase. they only like it if it comes at a high price. ALSO, some things are SO beyond our control and have NOTHING to do with BEING attractive–for ex, i like guys who remind me of my dad. my dad had very little body hair, pale skin and light eyes. so no matter how handsome mediterranean men are and how much i enjoy their company, i always find myself most attracted to what is familiar to me and what i grew up with. do not underestimate the electra or the oedipus complex, it is a powerful force. i know GORGEOUS women who have dated fat overweight men or one who were going bald b/c that us what their fathers looked like. sometimes it isn’t whether or not you are comely it’ s just that they want a girl just like the girl who married dear old dad! or a boy who married dear old dad. so i hope that makes you feel better.
elizabeth 48
uh, boy who married dear old mom–if it’s the other you really are in trouble
crazy 49
I had that experience too; I think there are many possibilioties but the simple ones are that he used u as a option if his current lover fell out or he just was scared of falling too much for you as he may have faced in the past so he does not feel strong enough to go for a full-blown commitment – physcology theories would support that as has been pointed out in this thread.
trust.myheartandsoul 50
Hey Evan, Great article. I’ve been looking for such an article for years and all it took is this article to answer all my questions about relationships. I’ve lost all hope in ever getting a significant other Haha But on the bright side, At least I didn’t waste my time.
debbie 51
Well??? What happened????
sara 52
nah. i don’t buy it evan’s explanation. i am in a very similar situation, with the exception that if i budge even an inch with the physical stuff, this guy who calls me every night (i don’t talk to ANYONE else EVERY night!), txt me every day, and who has told me straight up he’d be ‘bummed’ if i went on a date with someone else, but who won’t commit to dating me seriously (wow, sorry for the run-on sentence!), will jump at the opportunity to make out with me. he’ll want to ‘sext’ me late-night, where he tells me that every time he sees me he has to keep his mind out of the gutter…and i have had to be the one to put the kabosh on all things physical/sextual b/c he just won’t commit.
here’s my theory: it could be so many things…you could be great but not ‘fit’ the mold he has in his mind for a future wife, for WHATEVER reason…he could be too in love with his own freedom to put forth the effort to be in a relationship where he’s accountable to you…he could have baggage he’s too afraid to show you…and yes, sometimes he just doesn’t find you ‘attractive’, but not when he’s said he does.
bottom line is this, if he wants to date you exclusively, any man worth his weight will make that clear. in the meantime, treat him like you’d treat any other friend. don’t make special concessions for him in hopes you’ll win his heart. just go about your daily life. date if you want, and don’t wait around for him. in the end, if he really is a suitable mate for you, he’ll step up and work hard to win YOUR heart….
now, if i could only take my own sound advice!!! 
einzahn 53
xyz..you post made it clear about mixed signals I’m getting from a guy friend. It was always on my mind for over 3 years, but tonight, I realized after read all those comments, and yours made me feel I was being so naive. I don’t need to worry and suffer for his unknown intention. I want to be smart in the relationship and I hope things will be different now.
PP 54
i am so happy that i came across this blog…i was with a guy who at first i swore i would never fall for, and i did. he told me from the beginning that he didnt want a gf, but loved talking to me and found me extremely attractive. i let it go on for two years thinking that eventually he would fall in love with me too. he would never take me out on dates, dinner and/or movies because he said thats what bf and gf’s do and i dont want that. all of my friends begged me to let him go, but i needed time to see things for what they were. three weeks ago, we stopped speaking because i felt that his status posts on fb were offensive to me, although he was just putting things up (w/o my name), etc. it took time, and three weeks later we still haven’t spoken my heart is broken because i honestly thought he did care about me, but i realize now he never did. i always made up excuses for him not wanting to be with me except for one thing. i realize now that i am better than that and there is someone out there who wants to love me as much as i love them, so i let him go. i cant hold onto something that will never go anywhere….
kismet 55
The answer given to this situation is filled with contradictions and quite a load of loaded “guy” bullshit – all they need is for a girl to have a pulse to get an erection but he’s not “really” attracted to her? Com’on there has got to be a more logical conclusion.
The last time I was in a similar situation I did go home with the guy and there wasn’t a moment of sleep the entire night – we had sex 6 times and you’re telling me he was just into me that night just because I was there? Its a long story but the moment with this charming workaholic passed, perhaps partially timing but then I was involved with someone, then we worked together, then he was involved with someone, then we didn’t work together again so… we shared another “moment” where he said he had always really liked me, had remained attracted to me, that he loves the way my mind works, he reported feelings of a deeper affinity during the time he had gotten to know each other constrained platonically. In his words so there is no mistake “I didn’t know you really were who you are when I met you but I can see in the time I’ve gotten to know you, you’re that & more – and btw I still find your vocabulary sexy as hell. I don’t know what’s going to happen with this (other) relationship but I have always hoped we would have our chance one day”
Well – we didn’t. Another long story I don’t even know all the details of but he married her, they’re pregnant. I never hear anything about their life news from him though despite our contact, frequency of conversations or how much he professed always to value our friendship and to care for me. What’s more is I broached the subject at least once and he swears he isn’t trying to protect my feelings or anything like that but yet I had to eventually stop having anything to do with him or our mutual friend because I was tired of getting the third hand news flashes – its like he still likes to think of me in a certain way but isn’t even able to be completely honest with himself about that because of guilt or something and yet he still wants the contact high of whatever it is he doesn’t get at home.
It makes me sick to my stomach to get absolutely stellar reviews both as a person, a best friend, girlfriend, marriage material and LOVER (even more so when I am not available naturally) but somehow they chose someone else and whats even more sickening is to occasionally hear one of these guys still thinks of me as the one that got away (which is as I said a load of bull). In all these years about the only thing I’ve been able to ascertain is these other women where just less of a challenge in one way or another. As one male friend once told me is he prefers relationships that only require about 50% of his total energy because that’s all he has a threshold for he feels he needs the rest for his day to day life – at first glance this makes a lot of sense but I have also observed this is a guy who I’ve observe is just more comfortable in life period when he just doesn’t allow himself too much awareness of things he can’t control.
And before anyone tries to think I am just tooting my own horn here with the “challenge” angle – it really is no reward to hear you are too much of anything to be a viable life partner – it actually hurts quite a lot no matter how wonderful or “interesting” or magnetic some of these qualities are supposed to be. My guess is this guy just wasn’t comfortable – for best or worst – with the degree of awareness this woman brought out in him. So enough of this “don’t take it personally because he just wasn’t that attracted to you” non-sense. Maybe he did do her a favor in not entering into a relationship or social contract with her after all but in the end we all have to find our own rewards for just being who and what we are (or aren’t) to others.
Iris 56
I do not always know which is best…the attraction…the connection…the mind…the physical?
With every single man I’ve met it is different..and just as one thinks aha…I’ve got it sorted..a new way jumps out.
Men are individuals…some might really want you and desire you..but they are trapped in ex families…in cultural paradigms…what should one do.?
When the connection is there…should you give it a time limit? should you stand back>
All I know is the amount of time you spend in your mind trying to solve this issue…wow…it’s a great deal of energy going into that.
But….why do we get trapped in such situations? Is it Karma? Maybe you had to learn something from this..evolve as a person and move on.
Gabriella 57
I know of a case where the man is head over heels in love but he sends out the wrong signal because he is not financially ready for a serious relationship leading to marriage. He is an actor, by profession, and struggles to make ends meet financially. He met the woman he was waiting for all his life but cannot make afford to date or support a wife at this point.
Does that make sense? It blew my mind. Do not know what to make of that situation. Wonder what Evan to respond in this case.
Daisy 58
Err..I’m a girl but I have to say that right now I am in the position of the guy. I have a stable, secure, loving & caring boyfriend whom I love so much and who I believe will make a compatible long-term partner (and yes we’ve talked of marriage).
But on the other hand i have this male friend of mine who I used to hav a major crush on a few years ago, and only 5 months ago he revealed to me that he has been attracted to me & wished that i was his girlfriend but that now it’s all too late. Nevertheless, we still occasionally contact each other via email or text, and everytime we do, sometimes it gets too personal/deep/emotional, and other times it gets too sexual. I have to admit that sometimes i would reciprocate too. He has been single for 2 or 3 years now. He said he wants me to keep my options open if things dont work out between me and my current boyfriend. To be honest, i am very much attracted to him too, and i can see that he has a lot of the qualities that i want in a longterm partner. I just dont know him as well as i know my boyfriend. So yes, although i am fully committed with my man right now, i am keeping this guy on the side ‘just in case’. He fully knows this and I dont think he minds (otherwise he would stop contacting me). Plus, he’s casually seeing other girls too so it’s not like im hindering him from getting the happiness he deserves. So right now I consider him a friend with a “potential”.
Janet Vakis 59
Ohmygod, thank you to all of you who wrote repiies to this woman’s dilemma. This is almost identical to my situation, except my man spent 3 yrs pursuing me, we are massively different in ages. He did all the talking all the running, then the games started, won’t bore you with it all. The chemistry between us is just electric. I told him 3 times to f….off…….leave me alone because I couldn’t stand the games, they took over my life. Then after a year of polite distance, he stops his car and me in the middle of the road as I was walking along. He says he can’t forget me, wants me every time he sees me… says he has come back to me again…… I didn’t say anything but walked on. Though secretly I was thrilled waiting for this moment, thinking aha my patience and coolness paid off, this is it, I’ve got him. Since then, I left a message for him to call, he said I was doing his head in, that I should just go with the flow! What the f…. does that mean. Since then, that was a week ago no calls, nothing. I saw him once, he was nervous, so I just played it cool. So I am back to square one, if I let this happen. BUT I READ ALL YOUR COMMON SENSE REPLIES, AND PEOPLE, I’M GONNA GET ON WITH MY LIFE AND NOT LOOK BACK! YAY
kitty 60
This seems like common theme that all men do, regardless of them having some sort of emotional or deep connection to you, the bottom line is if they’re still not coming forward then you just have to let it go and cut ties with them.
Abc 61
Great thread. I’ve been there a few times – Im smart, hawt, etc I’m also happily married (20 years) in an open/swinging marriage and I STILL get the “friends” routine from men! They are frustrating creatures!!! Bottom line is, men need a lot more than a pulse for repeated sex. The OP is on the back burner, because he likes knowing that she likes him. She’s like a security blanket, and he doesn’t care about her as a person. If you are romantically interested in this guy, dump him and move on – he just isn’t into you. If you really value his friendship (really – do you need more friends?) then be friends. But most likely, your self esteem will suffer from accepting a back burner position. If you value yourself, then you deserve to be on the front burner, on high. YOU choose the relationship – don’t accept what someone else gives you, or you will be nothing more than a doormat. YOU decide what YOU want from each man (friendship, sex, money, etc) and if you aren’t getting it, move on! There are 3 components to a relationship between two people: you, the other person, and the relationship itself. Own and MANAGE your relationships. Maybe your barista is The One, but you’ll never know if you only ever expect lattes from him. Don’t take the crumbs of life, take charge of the stove.
susan 62
boy oh boy been there done that and got a wardrobe of t-shirts.
but there’s one thing i just don’t get…why does this KEEP HAPPENING to me!!!
Katarina Phang 63
I have a hunky neighbor who obviously was attracted to me when we first met last year. But then he got weird and pulled out, finally he admitted he was seeing someone else. That was also my suspicion from the start.
So it was timing. Recently he broke up with her and out of the blue started to text and call me again. We began to hang out and play tennis the past month.
He’s back. And he affirmed his attraction for me in more ways than once.
So, sometimes it is really about timing and it’s not you. I’ve learnt to figure out that a man who is hot and cold with you, very likely, isn’t really single. Move on. If you still like him when his relationship is over, you can always start over.
I’ve learnt also guys who find you attractive will always bounce back in the picture one way or another.
Another reason is he might not be available for relationship because he’s not financially secure. It’s a big issue for a guy. You would want someone whose ducks are somewhat in a row anyway.
Katarina Phang 64
Ooops…I meant he got weird and pulled away.
Catherine 65
God, it is the story of my life, “” I like you as a friend, you’re good fun ”
prototype jay 66
I have been in the shoes of both you and your friend and I wished someone had explained it to me when I was at your side of the court and saved me some confusion! I think its possible he had begun seeing his “dreamgirl” just weeks before meeting and becoming intrigued by you. He could be genuinely interested in you but it took him a couple of weeks to realise he had invested more in HER (it could be old-fashioned loyalty, emotions, money, etc), to risk bringing YOU on board and making it a 3 person boat / exchanging her for you. Its also possible his existing relationship was not-yet exclusive / stable when you first met, but became exclusive during that 2 weeks. So he was “confused” for a couple of weeks before making his decision. Not excellent behaviour if you ask me, but he’s also not a total jerk – it could have been much worse if he had slept with you!
Dont take it personally – see it as him being loyal to the girl he met first and look elsewhere. You can accept him as a platonic friend, as long as doesn’t make you suffer and he does not try to lead you on again.