But on the other hand i have this male friend of mine who I used to hav a major crush on a few years ago, and only 5 months ago he revealed to me that he has been attracted to me & wished that i was his girlfriend but that now it’s all too late. Nevertheless, we still occasionally contact each other via email or text, and everytime we do, sometimes it gets too personal/deep/emotional, and other times it gets too sexual. I have to admit that sometimes i would reciprocate too. He has been single for 2 or 3 years now. He said he wants me to keep my options open if things dont work out between me and my current boyfriend. To be honest, i am very much attracted to him too, and i can see that he has a lot of the qualities that i want in a longterm partner. I just dont know him as well as i know my boyfriend. So yes, although i am fully committed with my man right now, i am keeping this guy on the side ‘just in case’. He fully knows this and I dont think he minds (otherwise he would stop contacting me). Plus, he’s casually seeing other girls too so it’s not like im hindering him from getting the happiness he deserves. So right now I consider him a friend with a “potential”.

The last time I was in a similar situation I did go home with the guy and there wasn’t a moment of sleep the entire night – we had sex 6 times and you’re telling me he was just into me that night just because I was there? Its a long story but the moment with this charming workaholic passed, perhaps partially timing but then I was involved with someone, then we worked together, then he was involved with someone, then we didn’t work together again so… we shared another “moment” where he said he had always really liked me, had remained attracted to me, that he loves the way my mind works, he reported feelings of a deeper affinity during the time he had gotten to know each other constrained platonically. In his words so there is no mistake “I didn’t know you really were who you are when I met you but I can see in the time I’ve gotten to know you, you’re that & more – and btw I still find your vocabulary sexy as hell. I don’t know what’s going to happen with this (other) relationship but I have always hoped we would have our chance one day”

Well – we didn’t. Another long story I don’t even know all the details of but he married her, they’re pregnant. I never hear anything about their life news from him though despite our contact, frequency of conversations or how much he professed always to value our friendship and to care for me. What’s more is I broached the subject at least once and he swears he isn’t trying to protect my feelings or anything like that but yet I had to eventually stop having anything to do with him or our mutual friend because I was tired of getting the third hand news flashes – its like he still likes to think of me in a certain way but isn’t even able to be completely honest with himself about that because of guilt or something and yet he still wants the contact high of whatever it is he doesn’t get at home.

It makes me sick to my stomach to get absolutely stellar reviews both as a person, a best friend, girlfriend, marriage material and LOVER (even more so when I am not available naturally) but somehow they chose someone else and whats even more sickening is to occasionally hear one of these guys still thinks of me as the one that got away (which is as I said a load of bull).  In all these years about the only thing I’ve been able to ascertain is these other women where just less of a challenge in one way or another. As one male friend once told me is he prefers relationships that only require about 50% of his total energy because that’s all he has a threshold for he feels he needs the rest for his day to day life – at first glance this makes a lot of sense but I have also observed this is a guy who I’ve observe is just more comfortable in life period when he just doesn’t allow himself too much awareness of things he can’t control.

And before anyone tries to think I am just tooting my own horn here with the “challenge” angle – it really is no reward to hear you are too much of anything to be a viable life partner – it actually hurts quite a lot no matter how wonderful or “interesting” or magnetic some of these qualities are supposed to be. My guess is this guy just wasn’t comfortable – for best or worst – with the degree of awareness this woman brought out in him. So enough of this “don’t take it personally because he just wasn’t that attracted to you” non-sense. Maybe he did do her a favor in not entering into a relationship or social contract with her after all but in the end we all have to find our own rewards for just being who and what we are (or aren’t) to others.

here’s my theory: it could be so many things…you could be great but not ‘fit’ the mold he has in his mind for a future wife, for WHATEVER reason…he could be too in love with his own freedom to put forth the effort to be in a relationship where he’s accountable to you…he could have baggage he’s too afraid to show you…and yes, sometimes he just doesn’t find you ‘attractive’, but not when he’s said he does.

bottom line is this, if he wants to date you exclusively, any man worth his weight will make that clear. in the meantime, treat him like you’d treat any other friend. don’t make special concessions for him in hopes you’ll win his heart. just go about your daily life. date if you want, and don’t wait around for him. in the end, if he really is a suitable mate for you, he’ll step up and work hard to win YOUR heart…. now, if i could only take my own sound advice!!!