3 Ways To Instantly Improve Your Relationship With Men

Reading your responses to my survey was like reading my own blog…for four straight years. Whew. Just a huge outpouring of questions, love, pain and longing. Needless to say, there was much thematic overlap, sprinkled with some insightful comments and kind words. (Thank you!) Since I figured you’d be curious, here are the top 10 responses to my question: which dating-related topics are the most intriguing to you?

1. Understanding men 2488
2. Meeting men in real life 1791
3. When you should compromise 1237
4. Dealing with negativity of the past 1139
5. Being a great girlfriend 1047
6. Being selective 1033
7. Commitment 1018
8. Unmet expectations 906
9. Confidence 905
10. Should I stay or should I go? 893

 

I’ve already expressed my surprise at the #2 response about meeting men in real life, but everything else seemed to make sense, and I’m really excited to start offering you my extended thoughts on these topics in coming weeks and months.

There were two other observations I had from the survey:

First of all, you didn’t express any curiosity about sex or first dates (both finished in the bottom 5 out of 25 topics). Let me just take the time to say that whether you’re interested in these subjects or not, I’m going to INSIST that you BECOME interested in them.

Because you can be a confident woman, understand when to compromise and when to commit, and be the world’s greatest girlfriend, but it won’t make a difference if you’re a crappy first date who’s bad in bed. (Same goes for any men reading this, for what it’s worth.)

My second observation that came from reading your most intimate personal questions is this:

You’re frustrated at who men are.

You’re frustrated that you feel there are no good men out there.
You’re frustrated that dating is difficult and fraught with failure.
You’re frustrated that men don’t see the world as you do.
You’re frustrated that men don’t communicate the way you want.
You’re frustrated that men don’t always want to commit when you do.

And since so many of you have a real problem with men, and I am a man, I decided to write up a very special report, based on your survey answers.

Sign up below to access this report, “3 Ways To Instantly Improve Your Relationships With Men.” You’ll also be put on an exclusive list to get first notification of my brand new coaching product, including a special limited offer before this product is released to the rest of the world:

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Comments:

  1. 1
    Kara

    Re: Survey Results

    Being a woman in her 40’s, I have great sexual confidence and know how to act on a first date…that is why I selected other items of interest.

    I did not select “Meeting Men” but I think the input would come from not WHERE to meet (as was fervently addressed) but HOW to go about meeting a man (approach, start as friends?, cues from men) when usually it is the man who approaches a woman and women are raised not to “chase”.

    Thanks!

  2. 2
    Heidi

    Hi Evan,
    I can appreciate your concern over why more women didn’t select sex and first dates as the most important topics but I’ll share my reasoning with you and it’s something you might not anticipate. I am a rockstar in bed and I’m confident in my sexuality. I also have no problem getting asked on second dates, following first dates, which are often internet dates. I selected your other topics because those are the areas I need to develop to move forward in my quest. I’m a bit of a special case and ill tell you more about myself someday, perhaps, so you can help women like me figure it out. But for now, I just wanted to respond to your surprise over the popularity of topics selected. It’s not at all that I’m not interested in sex (or on getting a second date offer after impressing a guy on the first date) or that I don’t understand its importance. It’s that I need to develop skills in areas that are not as strong.

  3. 3
    Cassie

    Improvement #3 in your new “3 Ways” publication really resonated with me. You said that shared passions are the LEAST important element in happy relationships and that women would have a lot more potential partners to choose from if they opened themselves up to men who did NOT share their passions. I agree. Shared interests/passions may be a nice jumping off point for getting to know someone, but aren’t great predictors of relationship longevity. I don’t expect my future partner to share my interests, merely to accept them. And I would do the same for him. What I find especially frustrating when reading online profiles is that a lot of men don’t seem to get this concept. They want activity partners for hiking, biking, tennis, climbing, travel, you name it. They want someone to DO STUFF WITH. If a woman doesn’t share an interest in their preferred sport/activity/passion, she’s often “disqualified”. (Of course “hot” women aren’t disqualified for any reason).

  4. 4
    AQ

    Dear heavens we must drive you crazy – this makes so much sense. Thank you for everything!!!! I did dump the last one because I was inspired at what you write, I bought all books for the profile and not making him disappear and it is in process! I am inspired, optimistic and enlightened!

  5. 5
    Gina

    I have to agree with Kara & Heidi as to why I didn’t select first dates & sex. I, too, am interested in HOW to go about meeting men. Just smiling at them doesn’t work. Plus I work with thousands of men (women in my field are at 4%) so I know that meeting them in real life doesn’t always mean meeting men I am compatible with or even men who are available. And because I work with so many different men I actually do understand them & what they want. I am more interested in making myself more open to and approachable to single men. I want to stop being so jaded and disillusioned about them which is a hazard of the job.

  6. 6
    Ninah

    I read your books (yes, all of them) and finally decided to date someone who doesn’t have my interests, but who was interesting.  I personally couldn’t see what we’d have to talk about because my interests are so esoteric (liberal, intuitive, bodyworker).  So, I struck up a conversation on Match with a guy who was conservative, loves reenacting war games and riding motorcycles, but expressed himself well and wanted a spiritual relationship.  
    I have never been happier!  I’m blown away that this actually worked!!  He’s sensitive, fascinating, loves to cook and appreciates me for who I am.  Since we’re both so different, we take each other for who we are instead of assuming anything.  We’re both learning new things about each other and relationship all the time and have been together 10 months.  Learning to understand each other is our common goal and has set us on a path to learn different ways to communicate with compassion. He and I both agree that we’ve never had such a full relationship.
     Thank you so much for expressing your opinions despite the controversy of them.  You’ve certainly changed my life and i continue to read your blogs as I feel that I continue to learn something new every day. 

  7. 7
    Steve

    @Ninah #6
    A few years ago, a friend of mine who is in her early 60s and who has been a shrink for 30 years decided she wanted a relationship.   She did two things that amazed her younger friends.
    1.  She dated a LOT of people and did not despair when things didn’t work out.  She knew it was part of a process, like going on many job interviews.
     
    2.  She talked to people with extremely different values than her own, claiming that having things in common was important, but that the way two personalities fit together was even MORE important.
     
    She has been happily “going steady” with a conservative dude ever since, despite being very to the left.   Sort of like your story.
     
     

  8. 8
    JB

    @Cassie #3  I love biking,blading,and playing tennis.I personally don’t and never have “disqualified” a woman because she doesn’t do any of those things.I put that I do those things in my online profile because I enjoy doing them and I think it shows that I’m active,in shape,and not a couch potato.Would I love to meet someone that might do some of that with me?Sure,but it’s certainly not a must have.I usually go biking and blading by myself and I have a buddy that I play tennis with so I don’t need a woman for that stuff anyway.It makes me wonder if I’ve been scaring some women away simply by putting my activities in my profile and them thinking that if they don’t do them I would’nt be interested??

    I’ve recently been emailing a woman who says right in her profile she’s not “athletic” and she doesn’t enjoy doing sporting activities.I told her “that’s fine there’s a lot of things we do together anyway” and she said she felt the same way.
    She does exercise though and I think that’s important for anyone’s health.

  9. 9
    Christine

    JB, you might want to specifically say in your profile what you just told us, that it’s a bonus but not a necessity to share your activities.  Rightly or wrongly, when I see those sorts of activities in a guy’s profile, it really does intimidate me.  I go to the gym, have taken salsa dancing lessons and am not a couch potato, but I don’t consider myself an “athlete” either.  So when I see that, I tend to think that he and I will have different energy levels and might not be compatible.  Not to mention, I really have gotten rejected by guys for that reason.  That’s just a thought–I wouldn’t want you to inadvertently scare off potential love interests for something that isn’t even true. If that type of thing would scare me away, it might also scare off other women too.   
     

  10. 10
    helene

    I DO feel put off when men list large numbers of outdoor/sporting pursuits in their profiles – many of them do actually state that they want someone who will do these activities with them, and even with those who don’,t my immediate thought is “I’m never gonna see this guy” All that mountain biking and canoeing and rock climbing… its not something you do for half an hour on a wednesday evening! I suddenly envisage many weekends, if not entire vacations, where he is off with his buddies scrambling over rocks. I am happy for a man to have different interests to mine, but it does depend what they are…. if he says photography and fiddling about with car engines that’s fine by me, but all that rafting and rock climbing…no.

  11. 11
    JB

    @ Christine #9 Well here’s what my profile says exactly in the part we’re talking about “In the warmer weather I enjoy going to festivals or rollerblading/biking at the woods.To stay in shape I hit the health club 3 or 4 times a week as well as playing tennis & golf”.

    That doesn’t mean that every week I do ALL of those things,especially in the winter! I would hope that one sentence wouldn’t lead anyone to believe that I wouldn’t have time to be in a relationship because I enjoy those activities or that I would expect a woman to do any or all of them? But that’s a good point Christine,when I rewrite my profile in the future I’ll try what you said. I can’t do it now because I’m sure the woman I’m dating would catch the profile update and freak out…LOL and I don’t want to “rock the boat” right now.

    @Helene, I wouldn’t call my sentence “a large list of outdoor/sporting pursuits”…lol and yes there is a difference between going for a bike ride,and occasionally playing tennis or golf(which a lot of men do btw) than a weekend canoeing and mountain climbing. Does that make sense?

    The bottom line is and I love when Evan says this…. We don’t have to be clones. A couple can and should have SOME different interests and that’s normal and healthy.

  12. 12
    Andrew

    I agree with Steve — dating many potential suitors is part of the process.  I think there we have the potential to be compatible with many different partners.  Being patient and selective at the right time is important.

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