How to Always Be Your Best Self With Men

How to Always Be Your Best Self With MenBefore I tell you the secret to being confident with men, I need to confess something:

Even though my business is based on confidence – the willingness to boldly assert how to conduct your love life – I frequently have my own crisis of confidence.

I try not to let you see this side of me, of course. What’s the point of letting you know that your dating coach is having a bad day?

But, in the interest of authenticity, I think it’s useful to offer you full disclosure about my insecurities and inadequacies. Ready? Here’s my confession:

I am a much better dating coach than I am a businessman.

It’s hard not to feel like a failure sometimes.

That may not seem like a big deal to you, but it’s a huge deal to me.

I write a newsletter every week and two blog posts every week. I run FOCUS Coaching, my Inner Circle, and maintain 9 private clients at a time.

In between, I try to create more value for you: more social networking, better use of technology, maybe even create more inexpensive products for you.

Well, guess what? I haven’t created a new product since 2011.

So what have I been doing?

Struggling. Really, really, struggling. Mostly with hiring and technology.

I’ve been redesigning my online dating profile writing site, e-Cyrano, for 2 1/2 years – and have gone through FOUR web teams in the Philippines, India and the U.S.

I’ve also been redesigning EvanMarcKatz.com since 2012. It was supposed to be complete in May. It’s now late October.

It’s hard not to feel like a failure sometimes.

But you know what? As many times as I’ve failed, I kept persevering. And although it hasn’t always been the easiest journey, I am only weeks away from launching BOTH of my updated websites.

They’re real. They’re beautiful. They’re my gifts to you.

I’m only mentioning this because I hope that you never even saw a hint of my insecurities. I trust that every time you read this blog or open an email from me, it’s with anticipation that I’ll share something optimistic, thought-provoking or confidence-inspiring.

Long story short: like you, I’ve struggled to accomplish something big and important. I never gave up. And I’m finally going to see the fruits of my labor.

Stick with me on your journey to love, and you will, too.

Now, for your actual content…

There are lots of kinds of fear in the world. Most of them are irrational.

I’m pretty afraid of needles. Nobody dies when a nurse sticks a needle into your arm. But that doesn’t stop me from getting queasy, anyway.

The most common fear I see is worrying about how others perceive you.

This started when you were a child and it scarred you.

Maybe you were heavy or wore glasses and little kids teased you.
Maybe you had a stutter or were really shy.
Maybe you tried out for the play and didn’t get cast.

Whatever it is, you’re still carrying that fear around with you.

I, for one, remember almost every barb ever hurled my way.

I remember when my parents first told me I couldn’t sing as I imitated Billy Joel in the backseat of our Oldsmobile.

A mark of happiness is the dual feeling of being self-expressed and accepted.

I remember when my roommate told me my tie was ugly and I shouldn’t bother to leave the house with it.

I remember the JDate who confessed after an hour that she wasn’t at all attracted to me, even though I was wildly attracted to her.

What does all this mean?

Nothing. Nothing at all.

But if I carry around these fears and insecurities wherever I go, how will live my life? Scared. Paralyzed. Insecure.

I am fortunate to have not internalized my insecurities. I’ve pushed them aside.

It’s more fun this way.

I host karaoke parties where I lead the crowd in singing “Pour Some Sugar on Me”.

I wear hats and vests and bold colors, even if some don’t agree with my taste.

I married a beautiful woman who constantly reminds me that she is attracted to me – even if I’ve put on ten extra pounds since my kids were born.

I choose to lead a fully confident, self-expressed life, no matter what baggage I may be carrying.

You can, too.

A mark of happiness is the dual feeling of being self-expressed and accepted.

Think about that for a sec.

Being self-expressed is being authentic, vulnerable, and truthful. It’s being yourself, saying what’s on your mind, and not worrying about what others think.

Being accepted is the result of being self-expressed. Because you’re so confident and real, people respond to you and respect you more than if you’re meek and fearful.

So how can you channel your best self wherever you go?

How can you act the same way with your closest friends, your family, your work colleagues and your boyfriend?

How can you stop living in fear?

How can you stop walking on eggshells?

How can you stop worrying about what others’ think?

How can you be the most confident and self-expressed you?

This is the version of you that you love the most.

This is the version of you that men will love as well.

This is the version of you that you’re meant to be every day for the rest of your life.

This is what I’m here to share with you.

In the meantime, thank you for being a part of my community.

Thank you for listening to me share.

And if you liked today’s blog, make sure you sign up to receive my weekly newsletter, where next week I’m giving all my newsletter subscribers 3 things you’re really gonna love…

Also, for more dating tips and advice, don’t forget to:

Connect with me on Facebook.

Until then, best wishes,

Your friend,

Evan

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Comments:

  1. 1
    nicnac

    All I can say is thank you evan.
    I’ve been lurking around this blog for a number of years, and I have gained a lot of insight, despite the fact that I don’t fall into your” target demo”.
    This has been the BEST content I’ve read. Period. Because I needed it. And I get it.
    Just, thank you 

  2. 2
    marymary

    aw Evan, this is lovely.

  3. 3
    Jenn

    Do I have to wear a cocktail dress and strappy sandals when I go hiking? Not sure I’m up for that….

  4. 4
    Karmic Equation

    I love your blog, Evan, and the world of good you do women by providing authentic, no-nonsense, yet compassionate advice laced with wit as well as wisdom. (Have I schmoozed enough?? LOL — I mean every word though!)
     
    I can’t wait to see your upgrades :)

  5. 5
    Starshine

    Evan,
    First, thank you for representing men in such a positive light.  Your website is inspiring and full of wisdom to guide me in honoring my goddess feminine.  You give insightful, real advice on how woman can understand men.  I will not give up on love!
    This particular article is so powerful and kudos for writing it!  With Brene Brown and her famous TED talk on vulnerability, it is time for people to wake up and remember how to connect to one another again by taking off our masks.  Thank you for showing us your vulnerability.  It is so important to know we are all in this together and you are like us!
    Best to you and keep up the fabulous work!
    Starshine

  6. 6
    Christoff

     
     
    I like you best cocky, arrogant, self-assured…and minus the ten pounds. Love, C

  7. 7
    Henriette

    Bless your heart, Evan.  This blog is a joy to read and your patience with us, your oft-unruly disciples, is commendable.  Thank you for coming here and boosting our confidence ~ week in, week out ~ even at times when your own is flagging. 

  8. 8
    marymary

    Re 6, where’s David when we need him?

  9. 9
    Star

    Biggest mistake I’ve been making with men is hiding myself away, thinking I was playing it cool, or protecting myself. I know better now….and I’m actually doing it for me first, because I want to be authentic, vulnerable and honest. No more clamping my mouth shut.
     

  10. 10
    LaMiss

    Thank you Evan. 

  11. 11
    Julia

    @ Star 9
     
    I think vulnerability has been an issue. Sometimes I feel like playing it cool is not my authentic self, too much of a thick force field around me. I am trying to work on letting men in more. 

  12. 12
    Lia

    I love this blog.  I love the FOCUS coaching.  I can’t wait to see the new stuff!
     
    You have restored my faith in dating and relationships, and I am armed with new skills and a new perspective.  Thank you Evan!!!!

  13. 13
    Sara

    I agree with what the others have said: this is a fantastic blog Evan and thank you so much for sharing your insights, ideas and personal experiences with us. I have found your advice to be life-changing as it has shifted the way I operate within my relationships with men and has allowed me to find a great partner who is not my usual ‘type’ but is better than I could have imagined. Thank you! 

  14. 14
    Evan Marc Katz

    Thanks to the 13 of you (out of the 10,000+ who read the blog every day) who took the time to say something nice. It says a lot about your character that you posted. Your efforts are greatly appreciated and I will continue to work hard on your behalf.

  15. 15
    judy

    Hey Evan – what about the time difference????? I was going to say something nice too. (:o).
    Love the blog and…….it ain’t because the other 9,000 or whatever haven’t said it, that they didn’t think it (:o)(:o)

  16. 16
    Joe

    Well, I must say, any deficit of confidence never manifested itself on the blog.

  17. 17
    Marie

    Evan,
    Just saw this.  Nicely written.  I tend to mostly follow the threads that I can apply directly to marriage nowadays but I saw this in the email and thought it was applicable to long term relationships too and not just dating.
     
    Congratulations on the success of your upcoming projects.  It is nice to see your dreams coming to fruition.
     
    Marie

  18. 18
    Chance

    Don’t know if I can provide words as kind as Christoff’s, but here goes.  Simply put, I think you provide the best advice that a woman is ever going to get, even if it may not always be what she wants to hear.  Good work, and best wishes in your career.

  19. 19
    Rebecca

    Evan, you are TRULY amazing. I came across your blog maybe 5 months ago and bought “Why He Disappeared” and it truly changed my life. Granted, I got cheated on regardless of following all of your tips and advice, but it feels SO much better knowing that I was not the problem. I do find myself going about my days asking myself, “what would Evan say?” or when giving advice to friends say, “well Evan says this..Evan thinks that..” You truly are a genius and I am incredibly grateful someone like you exist! 

  20. 20
    Mickey

    Evan:
    I must admit…that was EPIC.
     

  21. 21
    Nicole

    Evan,
    While I am a recent follower of your blog, I have spent many hours going through the archives and reading all of the comments.  I have never posted before.  Reading through all of this has helped me so much, in getting over my most recent breakup and in figuring out what I truly want from a relationship.  I have recommended it and your other products to everyone I know who is struggling in the world of dating.  Please know that you have an impact on the world that is positive and insightful, sometimes in quiet ways.  Looking forward to seeing what comes next and thank you!!

  22. 22
    Soul Sister

    Evan, I am like Rebecca #19….when my friends start complaining or questioning men, I am always saying “well, Evan says…” and I have told many, many friends to download “why he disappeared”.  I can’t (nor do I have the patience!) to give them any worthwhile advice, so I send them to your site so you can give it to them.  If they choose not to read, download…their problem.  I listened, changed my online profile to show my softer side, met a man on match, 2 years later we are still together.  When I added something about cooking a signature dish to my profile (instead of sounding only like a tough business woman!), the emails came flying in…got that tip from you!  So thank you from me too, and I hope you have made a LOT of money off that ebook!!!  Cause to us clueless women, it was priceless!
     

  23. 23
    judy

    Soul Sister 22 – sounds great to me.  What a brilliant idea, adding your signature dish to your profile.  It does show a more womanly side.  I also noticed that when I mentioned how I like to make dishes from scratch (cakes, cookies, etc.) men are sometimes stunned (and women too by the way!).
    Our profiles (online or snap judgements) can sometimes be awfully wrong!

  24. 24
    Steelheart

    Really, the only advice sites anyone needs are this one, Baggage Reclaim, and Dear Sugar. Maybe also Miss Manners, just for the technical points.
     
    As for crises of confidence — lemme tell ya something, folks. Everyone on earth falls into one of the following two categories:
    1. Egomaniacal assholes 
    2. People who feel like failures or feel stupid some or all of the time. 
     
    Maybe you look around at other people and think “Wow, how does everyone else seem to have it together? What makes me different?” You need to know that if there’s any difference, it’s in that S word right there. SEEM. Think of the most confident, successful, accomplished people you know. If they fall into the first category above, you’ll know immediately. All the others are in the second category. ALL of them. You and maybe the entire rest of the world are blown away by everything they’ve done and managed to do, but I guaran-damn-tee you that none of them lay their heads down on their pillows every single night secure that they’ve done their best at everything and accomplished everything they set out to do and that it’s enough. I’ll double guaran-damn-tee you that at least a few of them, despite everything they’ve done, think they’re total failures, or frauds who don’t deserve anything they have. 
     
    So really, Evan, and everyone else: It’s not just you. It’s everyone worth knowing. Absolutely everyone. The important thing is that you keep trying, whether that means wallowing for a second and then putting it aside and going back to work, or doing a detailed assessment of what works for you and what doesn’t, or just straight up faking it until you make it. Whatever it takes, the only thing you can’t do is STOP. Just keep going!
     

  25. 25
    Peter 61

    Recruiting decent help! I so sympathise. And Indian Internet firms! Monsters! So who does the accounts?

  26. 26
    Momo

    Hi Evan, I really enjoy reading your blog, you are doing an excellent job! Best wishes. M

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