Maria’s Coaching Journey with Evan Marc Katz – Week 8

Hola! In last week’s coaching with Evan, there were three very important takeaways that I hope will bring a new and effective perspective on your own online dating experience….

      1. You want to be around people that treat you well.
      2. Do not reward a man for his lazy behavior.
      3. Confidence has to come from the inside out.

Prior to my coaching call, I went back to the old emails in my inbox where I dropped the conversation, picked the cutest guy and responded to him at length. I wrote a paragraph and sent him a question. He replied, “Call me (777)777-7777”. Really? He didn’t even include his name!! (Sigh…) Okay, Evan always says we have to be better than these boring guys so I sent a line that I learned from my coach: “That’s so sweet, but if I were to call every cute guy that sends me his phone number, you wouldn’t get a call back until November 2016!” Then I added another line or two. This time his reply was a picture of me and the word “Bella”, which means beautiful. At this point, I thought, “This is exhausting, when does it end?” Lucky for me, I can ask my dating coach!

Evan says online dating is not that different than real life, and in fact, it’s very much like real life. You want to be with people that treat you well and seem to appreciate your effort. Some women actually pick up the phone and call these lazy men (especially if they’re cute). They’ll go out and maybe even have sex. The problem with this response is that you’ve now taught him that he doesn’t have to make any effort. Doing all the work for him doesn’t make him want to court you and treat you like a lady. Which brings me to the second takeaway in our session: “Do not reward a man for his lazy behavior”….. Okay, got it!

It’s been very difficult not to take things personally if the men don’t reply or are lazy. Somehow I start losing my confidence and think that it has something to do with me! That I might have done something wrong! And this brings me to my biggest AHA moment in our coaching call: (Drumroll, please! 🎼) “Confidence has to come from the inside out, not from a guy emailing you or not.” Evan’s right. Lesson learned.

The truth is, with dating, online or not, no one really means anything until they mean something. The way I see it, in the dating process you to have thick skin while keeping your heart open to give and receive love.

In summary, I’m learning not to take things personally. It’s not about doing things right or wrong. As Evan says, “it’s about being effective or ineffective.”

I wrote this blog a week after I taped the above video. At that time, I had two phone dates with a guy where the conversation went into some kind of sexual fetish (kind of a 50 Shades of Grey thing…very weird). Last week I communicated with four different men and I’ll tell you all about those on the next blog.

Thank you for following my story and your words of inspiration.

Until next week,

Maria

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Comments:

  1. 1
    MAXINE

    Hello Maria:

    Wow! This video definitely hits home. Now I know how to handle those superfast phone numbers that arrive without any name no less! I would say that you are learning how to handle everything that comes your way. You are developing a “thick skin” so now the dating process can be somewhat fun along with it being a learning process. I like the fact that Evan always makes you feel that you are in total control. Guess what? You really are! You are handling this process very very well Maria. Oh! You look very glamorous in this video. Never fear, your perfect match is on the way! Have fun on your upcoming dates. (:

  2. 2
    Kathleen

    Great update ! I love the response to the “call me (777 777-7777)” Thats funny while getting the point across. Ill have to borrow that one !!!!

    Lazy behavior also seems to include guys who haven’t bothered to write anything in their profile but ask if your interested.

    I just got a message from a guy trying to impersonate Christian Grey too. Unfortunately he didn’t look as good God help us if we are going to be getting more of that ……

    Keep us posted Maria! Good luck for next week!

    1. 2.1
      mgm531

      @ Kathleen — Lazy behavior also seems to include [women] who haven’t bothered to write anything in their profile but [expect you to send them a personlized email].

      Works both ways and lazy behaviour is not gender specific..

      1. 2.1.1
        Maria

        You’re absolutely right…. Is a two way street.
        Thank you for the comment.

      2. 2.1.2
        Kathleen

        MGM531 . Agreed . I don’t get many messages from women so women’s profiles werent on my radar.  But I can imagine a woman with no written profile, with only pics is pretty suspect for being a fake profile,hooker  or just lazy. 

        1. mgm531

          It’s pretty easy to spot the ‘fake’ profiles, but what I was referring to were the endlessly generic profiles that have nothing but cliched descriptions about liking to travel, cooking, or going out to dance or doing outdoor activities.  The type of profile that is so generic that it could be cut and pasted to just about any person, man or woman.  Profiles like this give nothing personal to write about to a person.  So you say you like to travel.  Okay, but what about traveling do you like and what do you like to do when you travel?  Outdoor activities?  Cool!  Tell me about one you do and why?  You like to dance?  Okay, what type of dancing — Salsa?  Whats your favorite dish you like to cook and why?  

          It’s hard to get the attention of someone by expressing an interest in them if they write a profile that gives you nothing to be interested in.  And it’s not about one gender over another that does this, I think everybody has been gulty of this at one time or another.  But since the vast majority of messages are initiated by men then it’s expecially important for women to give men something to write about.  It behooves women who don’t want generic cookie-cutter messages sent to them that they actually give a man something to express an interst in.  Just my thoughts.

        2. Joe

          I suspect lots of people semi-intentionally genericize their profiles in an attempt to cast as wide a net as possible.  But in doing so, they expand their net so much that lots of potentials slip through the holes because there’s nothing there in their profile to catch onto.

  3. 3
    Cory

    As the father of a beautiful teenage girl, I love teaching her about life. What Evan told Maria, do not reward a man for his lazy behavior, is golden. Thanks Evan, love your work. And thanks Maria for sharing your story so well!

    1. 3.1
      Maria

      How wonderful if all fathers will teach daughters about love and relationships. Your daughter is a lucky girl. 😉

  4. 4
    JB

    Hang in there Maria. A man that won’t tell you his name is a game player. You don’t know if he’s “cute” you’ve never MET him. The number one rule I’ve learned from online dating 18 yrs. long before Catfish is no one has any value until you meet them in person. Only potential. You’re more than welcome to give someone a little benefit of the doubt as long as you have the patience for it which for me is about 3 or 4 email/phone calls give or take etc…. after that I move on.

    1. 4.1
      Maria

      I am learning soooo much…. I’ts getting easier for me not to stay too long. Do not reward men for lazy behavior together with I AM the prize helps me to not take things personal. Sometimes is easier than others….
      Thank you for your encouraging words.

  5. 5
    Henriette

    So, Maria: after the guy sent you the picture of yourself with “Bella” attached, did you thank him for his time and say goodbye, did you tell him you couldn’t keep online-conversing with a lazy man, did you just stop responding…? You said that you’ve learned not to reward a fellow who makes no effort but I’m wondering if you just blocked him or went to the effort to tell him why you were dropping the communications.

    1. 5.1
      Maria

      Great question! I simply stopped corresponding with him… Like you sometimes I feel like telling them what their doing wrong so they can do better (the teacher in me;-)
      …Besides do not reward men for lazy behavior, Evan says that you don’t owe anybody anything…. Like JB says on a message above “no one has any value until you met them in person.”

  6. 6
    Henriette

    Thanks, @Maria5.1. I am one of those people who’d respond to every single person who wrote to me, even if I wasn’t interested, thanking him for his time and wishing him good luck. It stemmed from the belief that the world is a hard, impolite place and I wanted to be gentle, even though I realised I didn’t owe anything to anyone. (It’s also helped that I wasn’t a young hottie and so I didn’t receive many suitors to reject) When I eventually start online dating again, I think I’ll continue to do so.

    However, your situation sounds like an entirely different ball of wax; a guy who is interested in a respectful, long-term relationship does not behave like this. He was like an annoying fly who needed to be swatted away and did not deserve to be “taught” by you 🙂 I appreciate that you came back to clarify for me how you ended your interactions with him.

  7. 7
    LM

    I know how it feels to get down and discouraged by the lack of a reply to emails, or when it seems like the only messages I get are from way-too-old men , lame and canned one liners , or men who are clearly just looking to hook up.  I begin to pick out my flaws,  and think “why bother.” It seems that so many men just view OD as a cornucopia of available women and there’s always a better option around the corner.  When in reality they are missing out on a great match.  “Their loss! ” is the attitude we have to maintain.
     

  8. 8
    Gabri'el

    Maria – I think that this guy was only lazy because he was as Evan said, shown that he could get away with it by women. I don’t think he realized how creepy he comes off, because a friend of mine told me of a similar situation she was in with a guy. He was trying to be romantic and cute, and when they did meet, she admitted that he was very handsome and even on their date, she noticed that other women were checking him out a lot, he was use to it, so he expected my friend to work for his attention.
     
    Mgm – Most of us men (at least in my age group) will except lazy behavior from women as long as she is hot & sexy! The better looking she is, the more we don’t care if her profile is generic or even blank, or even if she only logs in every few weeks, her inbox will still be full. Men are very visual and we unconsciously reward lazy behavior with attractive women. I have personally noticed that the more average a women’s looks are, the more she puts into her profile; like LM said, many men pass up great women, because some of us only focus on looks.
     
    Henriette – I am like you, I would originally politely respond to people I wasn’t interested in, but I found that Evan was right with what he said in “Finding the One Online”. You just open yourself up to people trying to emotionally manipulate and guilt you, or if it is a scammer, you give them clues on how to be better at tricking the next person.
     
    I also struggle with what Maria said in a previous video about scheduling a date later when you already have a date lined up. I find with me, I always get a “what are you doing?” when I say, I have plans this weekend, and if I say I’m doing such and such -not mentioning that I have another date- they ask to come. If I say I have a date, they seem insulted and every time we talk afterwards they ask me how are your other girls??? I’m wondering if this is a European thing and has this happened to anyone else? If so, how did you handle it?

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