What I’ve Wanted to Say to You for the Past Year: Thank You

what-ive-wanted-to-say-to-you-for-the-past-year-thank-you

I’ve had a shitty past year.

Wife, great. Kids, great. Evan: not so good.

The quick rundown:

  • I went four days without sleeping on a Matchmakers cruise last March and literally forgot how to sleep. I’ve been on an anti-anxiety cocktail ever since.
  • I severely sprained my ankle at a summer camp for entrepreneurs last August and never got my mobility back, much less returned to playing basketball. Ugh.
  • Last month, a door closed on my right hand near the door hinge in the bathroom of a Hollywood bar. Nothing was broken, but two fingernails are bloody, black and numb – apparently for the next year, until they fall off and grow out.

And listen, that’s fine. Middle-aged man maladies are not unheard of. But, to be frank, my biggest challenge has been my business. For seven years, I had the same tech team. They were my business partners, my best friends, the equivalent of my work wives. Last fall, they decided to start their own company. They gave me two months notice. They interviewed other tech teams. They were classy. I can only liken it to an amicable divorce: “We had a great run, now we’re moving on.”

I’ve been struggling to find my footing ever since.

Plans to relaunch Love U were scrapped. A new team was tried, which wasn’t a good fit. And, as most small businesses know, everything takes twice as long and costs twice as much as originally expected. The good news is that I’m finally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. Soon, there will be some exciting new offers to help readers like you understand men and find love. I guess that’s why, after a year of frustration, I’m writing this post. I’ve had lots of time to think.

And what I’ve realized is that I’m grateful. Not in that pseudo-humble, prayer-hands emoji, universe-loving way. I’m really, truly, deeply grateful.

Since the beginning of the year, I’ve written in my 5-Minute Journal every morning and every night. It asks me to record what amazing things I accomplished each day, what I could have done better, and three things I’m grateful for each morning.

What I’ve realized is that I’m grateful. Not in that pseudo-humble, prayer-hands emoji, universe-loving way. I’m really, truly, deeply grateful.

Looking back, I see patterns:

What I accomplished each day almost always involves work and something fun with my kids.

What I could have done better involves not reading my phone in front of my family, not arguing with strangers on Facebook or my blog, and not expressing frustration with the growing pains of building a better business.

What I’m grateful for varies wildly. Sometimes, it’s a sunny day in Southern California. Sometimes, it’s a good night’s sleep. But most often, I’m grateful for people. My wife. My kids. My mom and sister. My co-workers, Kim, Cindy, Krystal, Amanda, Dan, Jackie, Angel, and Emily. My clients (especially the ones who invest in coaching, get married and send wedding photos.) And, of course, there’s you, my blog readers.

As you know, there’s a symbiotic relationship between author and reader. The author writes to be heard. If he’s not being heard, he doesn’t feel content. When he is being heard, he hopes for praise and affirmation. When he doesn’t get praise and affirmation, he wonders why he writes at all. And around and around we go.

I’ve written a bunch of books. I’ve been on TV, magazines and hundreds of websites. But I always come back to this frustrating place, this home I built with thousands of regular guests that I futilely try to please.

And I have to admit: like my other meaningful long-term relationships – with my wife, with my business team, with my friends – I love it.

I love your intelligence. I love your wit. I love the challenge of responding to those who force me to look deeper, explain myself better, or even change my position.

I don’t love being misunderstood, misquoted, or trashed in my home. But I do know that it beats the alternative – shutting down my home because the kids are often unruly.

Of course you are. I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Now, words on a blog post don’t begin to capture my essence, anymore than they capture yours.

If you only read blog comments, you may think I’m combative.

If you watch the podcast, you’ll see a softer side when I’m coaching women.

If you subscribed to my newsletter, you’ll hear a more empathetic story teller.

If you joined Love U, you’d get a larger sense of my personality and my beliefs.

And if you were in my house, observing me with my wife and kids after work, you’d see a side you can’t witness from here: warm, sensitive, generous, playful family man.

To all of you, I say thank you.

That’s who I really am. That’s who I wish you got to see more often. And I guess that’s why I’m writing this today. Really, it’s the same reason I’m assuming most writers write – because we have something to say, because we’re trying to work out our thoughts, because we ultimately want to be understood.

I don’t get all of that every day from this blog. But I take what I can get. Sometimes, it’s a public compliment. Sometimes, it’s a private email. Sometimes, it’s a reader who articulates my feelings better than I can. To all of you, I say thank you.

Thank you for continuing to engage in this important dialogue about dating, relationships and gender dynamics.

I appreciate you, and I want to acknowledge that this place isn’t the same without you.

You make me feel connected, and for a writer, that’s pretty much all one can ask.

Warmest wishes and much love,

Your friend,

Evan

P.S. Your thoughts, below, are always greatly appreciated.

Join our conversation (58 Comments).
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Comments:

  1. 1
    Roxanne

    Evan I don’t agree on everything you say but I do value ALOT of what you say for the most part. Between this blog and Why he disappeared I see things more clearly and confidentially concerning my personal love life and I owe a big thanks to you. Words really cant express how much I appreciate the information you provided.

  2. 2
    Mary Jane

     I consider your blog to be the source of sensible Wisdom. I’ve been reading it for literally years. Sometimes I’m looking for love and sometimes I’m not but I always include your words as I go about my days
     I always refer I often refer friends to your blog when they’re struggling with understanding something or other in the relationship. It’s hard to find good, solid, logical thinking in a world full of — oh, I won’t even start listing—everybody knows
    gratitude is powerful. Thank you for yours and you have a full measure of mine.

  3. 3
    Celia

    Evan, thank you! May your whole life reflect the warmth, wit, and generosity of what you share with your readers. Even when I don’t agree with you,  I appreciate that your articles make me consider something in a new way. Many thanks for sharing so much valuable content.

    From a smart but not outwardly successful woman (and writer…I hear you about why you write)

  4. 4
    B. J. Licko-Keel

    Evan, I’ve been reading most of your daily blog entries for quite a long time, but seldom have any comments to contribute. However, your latest message moved me because it seemed to be actually speaking to me in a very personal way. Because I’m a widowed senior who no longer physically moves around easily and gracefully, my daily life has gradually changed. Although I try to have as much social contact as possible, I find that participation in dating is something that no longer has a necessary place in my life. I have been through many of the interesting and difficult life-relationship situations that I read about in your columns. Although I may not always agree with your point of view, I appreciate your unusual good sense and find your perspectives from a man’s point of view interesting and surprisingly mature. Thank you so much for sharing your life and ideas. I’ll look forward to reading more in the future.

     

     

     

  5. 5
    Stacia

    Evan I am eternally grateful for all of your advice and wisdom.  I have only one single friend, and I’m dating after a divorce,  having never really dated before in the traditional sense.  I have saved myself a lot of frustration by reading and re-reading your posts.  The basics of what you offer, that you have to let a man lead, respond with warmth, and move on quickly when you can tell he’s not interested, have proven accurate too many times to count over the last year.  Thank you for your words and support!

  6. 6
    ScottH

    Hi Evan-   “force me to look deeper…”  I like that and that’s why I’m here.  I like to hear and sometimes participate in the debates that go on because it allows me to look deeper into myself and those around me and see perspectives that I otherwise wouldn’t be exposed to.  There are some pretty sharp people who come here.

    So, thanks for having this place.

    Scott in Detroit.

  7. 7
    Karen

    What a really great example of vulnerability as strength!

    Thanks so much, Evan, for everything you do.

    Maybe your advice should be called “intelligent advice by a smart, humble, authentic man for smart, strong, successful women looking for same.” haha

  8. 8
    ShanghaiGirl

    Thank you so much for all the wonderful advice you given here, Evan. You’ve helped me gain the confidence I need to move on from the painful breakup of a bad relationship and not give up hope while searching for the one. I’ve been following your blog for a couple of years now, but this is the first time I’ve posted a comment. Thank you for your kindness, generosity and good sense!

  9. 9
    Lorraine

    Thank you Evan for always being authentic, entertaining, true, warm, humble and a good friend.  As you know I suffered from chronic insomnia for over 20 years and was exasperated after my chemo and surgeries 11’yeats ago and was also on a cocktail of drugs.  With the help of my loving wonderful man I have been pill and drug free for a few years now and take less and less natural stuff to sleep. I do have a couple of nights a week struggle but happy to help and chat maybe meet one day to help you.  Love your wife and family and wish you much success and happiness. X

  10. 10
    Jeremy

    Shit, sorry to hear about all the troubles you’ve had this year.  I hope that things return to normal, both from a physical and emotional perspective.  I recently had to deal with my mother and sister both being diagnosed with cancer within a few months of each other, and subsequent bad news after that.  That, combined with the death of other family members and other stressors let me to anxiety and lack of sleep, which led to a toxic spiral.  I am saying this not to bring it to me, but to say that in some way, I get what you are talking about.  Personally, I found CBT sessions helpful, focusing on the positive and questioning the negative.  But whatever helps is good.

     

    Not that you need validation, but sometimes validation is both appropriate and useful, so know this – you and your blog helped me tremendously at a time when I was going through hardship.  It helped me transition from the toxicity I had found elsewhere on the manosphere and from the unhelpfulness of standard relationship advice.  It was, in many ways, the happy medium, the purple pill.  So let me say thank you to you for that – your insights are both helpful and appreciated, and even when I have disagreed with you, I have respected your opinion.

  11. 11
    Kelli

    Thank you for all of the hard work you put in to provide help to women like me. A women who is always looking to better herself in relationships.  I apologize for being complacent in not writing you sooner to tell you how much I appreciate your advice. We all like to be heard and validated for our feelings. Communication is important in any relationship and I will try to be more responsive in the future. Thank you again for all you do.

  12. 12
    tory

    Evan,

    You have always been an inspiration!

    A Visionary — you have a dream  and manifests that dream for yourself and others. sending love to you and please be more careful with your body parts.

    Much love,

    Tory 🙂

  13. 13
    GoWiththeFlow

    Evan,

    I have chronic intermittent issues with insomnia (it runs in the family) and I’ve been struggling with it lately.  It makes healing injuries and dealing with big life stressors even harder.  I get it, and I’m sorry you are suffering from it.

    I’ve been following you work for about three years and took the plunge with LoveU last summer.  It has improved my life tremendously.  Truly worth every dime and every minute I have spent.

    Best wishes for you and yours!

  14. 14
    Elly Klein

    Evan, you know I love you. That is all. 🙂

    Actually, that’s not quite all.

    Love U was one of the best and most life-changing experiences I’ve ever had. Now, 18 months on (and 15 months into my relationship – currently living with my boyfriend, on the road to a happy marriage), I still read every blog post, watch/listen to every podcast and interact with my Love U friends almost daily.

    Considering your setbacks over the past year, I’m extremely impressed you managed to maintain your rigorous publishing schedule – two blog posts a week plus a lengthy podcast. All free! Not to mention your coaching and other things you do.

    Keep up the great work. Your true fans will always be here. xooo

     

  15. 15
    Marie

    Evan, sorry to hear about your rough patch.  Hang in there, we love you!  Don’t forget how many people you have helped. XO.

  16. 16
    Christine

    Dear Evan,

    You helped me so much when my dating life was a disaster following a traumatic divorce. I am now happily married, but still read your blog all the time. ‘Why He Disappeared’ changed my whole perspective and attitude. Don’t stop doing what you are so good at!

  17. 17
    Frankie

    Hey Evan I read this post because one of your Love U Grads shared it.

    It sounds like some nasty setbacks. I hope you are finding enough time for yourself in amongst all the work you do for your family and clients.

    Meantime here’s a thank you from me. I’m currently enjoying a lovely relationship that’s been going for over a year. So happy and in large part thanks to you.

    Thank you, look after yourself.

    X

  18. 18
    Deb

    Hi Evan

    So sorry to hear of your difficult experiences

    over the last year.

    I too am impressed that you have been able

    to maintain all your endeavors at full speed.

    U have changed my life and many other women’s as well.

    Feel better and remember Scottsdale!  That’ll put a smile on your face 😘

     

  19. 19
    Julie

    Evan, you give so much of yourself it’s only fair to want validation every now and then. To know your work is meaningful and you’re making a difference.

    You are. In the best, most important way — incubating more love and happiness in the world.

    XO

  20. 20
    Tatiana

    My dearest Love Coach, just remember, every day there’s  miracle happening, someone who reads your blog or watching/listening to your podcasts, someone finds her love. This is it.

    Love you, best of the best to you and your business

  21. 21
    sabrina

    I have been reading your articles for years now – throughout my relationship and while I was single. Thank you for you insight – it is always interesting and appreciated.

  22. 22
    Margaret

    My goodness, a tough year indeed.  Perhaps it will be a benchmark so you can recognize a banner GREAT year when you see it.  I think you’re pretty swell – does that count?  REALLY sorry about your fingers.  Glad you still have them.  Typing without them would be a challenge.

  23. 23
    KC

    Bless you Evan!  I’ve been putting your free advice into action.

    I look forward to hearing about Love U when you start it up again!

  24. 24
    Ngoc

    Evan,

    Thank you for sharing your  insights, especially the sometimes brutally honest yet most necessary ones.  I’ve learned the importance of  accepting better men in order to find the right man, and I continue to listen to Love U and go back to Why He Disappeared and Believe in Love to remind myself to stay cool, pay attention to the negatives, and that I too am in control of the fate of my 3 month relationship with a kind boyfriend who follows through, yet doesn’t know if he wants to marry me – that it is OK that we are still both evaluating each other.  I find that when I run into any relationship-related block I turn to you for reassurance and I regain my confidence to date effectively.  Thank you for your hard work. 

  25. 25
    Leah

    Evan,

    Thank you you for all I learned from you over the years! I first found you on JDate about a decade ago! Going through a divorce with two young kids, and trying to find myself again, I took much of your advice to heart. Over the years, I read your blog, hired your company to write my online profile (twice), saw you speak in person, and took your LoveU course! As a fellow MOT, I came to think of you as a friend, someone whose advice I could trust. I became a strong, smart woman, who could also be a woman, and let men love me for who I am. I did not end up meeting my husband online, but we did meet at a singles meetup party. It didn’t take long for things to fall into place after we met. (Our wedding was a year to the day after we met 12/31/15-12/31/16.) He is an amazing man who wants nothing more than for me to be happy, and he is also a loving step-father to my two boys. I couldn’t have possibly dreamed of anything more. Thank you for being who you are. For helping women believe in ourselves so that we are able to live the happiest life possible.

    Sincerely,

    Leah

  26. 26
    Jennifer

    Evan,

    I’m so glad the year is looking up – though, business growing pains and some maladies aside, it sounds like it’s been a good year for your whole family. It’s nice of you to share your reflections with those of us who follow you, and I’m happy to have a reminder to thank you. I worked with you years ago — maybe nearly 10 years ago?!? — as a private coaching client. You had me re-do my pictures, you worked with me to improve my profile in a much better show-don’t-tell way, and you told me a bunch of things I didn’t want to hear. You didn’t sugar-coat things, and it was uncomfortable — and exactly what I needed. You gave me the tools to find and work on a relationship that lasted 4 years, and then your blog helped me with the courage and tools to get OUT of it when it turned pretty awful. Your advice saw me through a short relationship with a nice man who was all wrong for me (and I for him), and into the current, wonderful, supportive relationship I have with the perfect man for me. We’re coming up on our year anniversary together this Friday, and we’re more solid every day. Thank you for making me think differently about relationships and about myself, and for challenging some long-held beliefs. And for making me re-do those pictures!!

    Jennifer

  27. 27
    Evan Marc Katz

    Thanks to all the folks who responded. It means a lot to me – both the married clients I know well, the friends from Facebook, and the lurkers who came out to offer a kind word. You are the reason I’ve posted on this blog 2x/week for ten years and you are the reason I haven’t lost my passion for it.

    I also found it illuminating that so many commenters who post on every column couldn’t take a moment to say something affirming. It was not what I expected, honestly, but it was useful, particularly in resetting my expectations.

    Fact is: I overestimated my connection with many readers and I will learn from it, just as one should learn from one’s dating experiences. The readers who give back emotionally and/or buy my products have earned my love and devotion. People who come here to learn for free but don’t take a second to appreciate the source of the free content…well, I’ve taken note.

    So thank you for both the appreciation and a valuable insight about reciprocity that I will certainly use in both my coaching and my future interactions on this blog. I’m very glad I wrote this.

    Warmest wishes and much love,

    Evan

    1. 27.1
      Chance

      Hi EMK,

       

      I’m not sure if you want a public endorsement or an open expression of gratitude from “some random red pill guy” (who has purchased a product of yours in the past), but I do appreciate the advice you give to women here because it goes a long way in providing them with insight into the male perspective.  I don’t always agree with you, and I’m sure you often don’t agree with me, but I appreciate it.  I especially liked your material from the 2000s as it was helpful for me as a man…. that’s not, in any way, a criticism of your work today.  I just understand that your target clientele has shifted.  Also, as I’ve said a number of times before, thank you for tolerating me and my comments here.

    2. 27.2
      paige

      Evan, I could tell from listening to the podcast and reading blogs that things just weren’t quite right with you. I’m so happy to hear that your family is doing great and nothing wrong there. I have so many friends going through divorces and have kids who are sick …perspective.    I really appreciate the honesty and vulnerability it took to write that blog.  I listen to the pods every week. I read everything. I am one of those lurking from afar fans. So I say thank you for all you do. All the advice. All the blunt direct talk.   I’ve learned a lot of people don’t appreciate that kind of communication but I do. All the best and keep it up

      paige

    3. 27.3
      kathleen

      Thank you Evan for the kind words,love and affirmation of confidence to all of us strong smart successful beautiful women ! I’m still here reading and putting my investment to work ! Thank you

  28. 28
    Roxanne

    Evan,

    Your books, emails, blogs and podcasts have changed the way I view men, dating and marriage. I share your name with every frustrated single woman I know. Even on your down days never doubt the impact you have on those of us trying to figure it all out. Whether you’re trying to spoon feed the info gently or the straight no b.s. way you set us straight… it’s deeply appreciated.

    Thank you for all that you do!

  29. 29
    Malika

    Hi Evan:

    It’s always darkest before dawn! I hope that  things look up for you and that you can enjoy quality time with your family in the meantime.

    Your blog gives me hope when I want to throw the towel in, and to keep on trucking through online dating and learning the love lessons i need to learn. It’s been a great boost for my mental stability, being able to stay away from men that are only vaguely interested or who like to play games and it has given me the head space to think about other aspects of my life that needed quite a bit of reflection. I sometimes get blog jadedness from some of the more colourful commenters but i always come back for your words of wisdom.

    A big thank you also to all the people who contribute to the comments section! You give me a perspective in single life and dating that i could never get from my friends, as most of them are settled and married, and sometimes hardly remember what it feels like to be single and looking for love. You guys make me connect the dots, and that has made the dating world a far easier world to navigate.

  30. 30
    Sharon K

    Hi Evan,

    You are, in large part, the kind of writer and dating expert that I aspire to be. Some days are better than others, in that regards! 🙂  I’ve followed you over the years, first as a new online dater myself, and then later, for inspiration, as my partner (now fiance) and I launched our own smaller scale and personal dating/relationship blog (we hated 90% of the dating sites out there (reviews for $ only, stupid rehashed advice, unskilled writing). I’ve always heard your “voice” shining through, and I appreciate your honesty, your real-person-ness, and your perspective.

    Once again, you show that living through example, rather than words only, is the way to go.

    We truly appreciate you, and consider ourselves indebted to you.

    Sharon and Lee  TheDatingGurus.com

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