Why Do We Rush to Go on as Many Coffee Dates as Possible, When Coffee Dates Almost Always Suck?

Why do we rush to go on as many coffee dates as possible, when coffee dates almost always suck?

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Comments:

  1. 31
    moonsical

    Hunter,

    Better yet, men can read profiles or have conversation with said woman and think to themselves, “Ah! She likes art! So do I! Maybe a Gallery Walk?” Possibly this is too much work for a man, though I find the men I actually do date have this going for them.

    moon

  2. 32
    A-L

    After reading JB’s post, I have to say, not really. Or maybe it means that I’m not willing to go out on as many dates as possible. Frequently my choices are zero or none in terms of new dates with guys I’m interested in. Guys who e-mail me one liner e-mails like “write me back” or have other horrendous errors…maybe. Guys who legitimately seem interesting and have potential? Maybe if I was a 10 I’d have all those offers, but as it is now, not so much.

  3. 33
    A-L

    Just as an addendum to my last post, if a guy seems as though there’s potential from his e-mail/phone conversations, even if the chemistry isn’t popping and the conversation could be more scintillating, I’ll frequently give him a chance with a date to see if things improve. I tend to have the philosophy that I’ll continue to go out with someone until I can say definitely that I’m not interested/don’t see long-term potential with them. Of course, I can usually tell within 1-2 dates at the most (few guys get to 3 but not beyond).

  4. 34
    hunter

    Keep in mind, the anxiety level is very high, on the first three dates. I ask all women out at least three times, even the ones I wish would die on the way to the bathroom!……

  5. 35
    moonsical

    hunter,

    That is SO comforting. Gosh I hope no one ever hopes I will die on the way to the bathroom! Egads.

    moon

  6. 36
    JuJu

    hunter, you some sort of masochist? =P

  7. 37
    hunter

    Masochist?,,,OMG!…..hhmmhh, I think the movie “Dangerous Laisons” is boring…..LOL!…….

  8. 38
    hunter

    Moon, I am sure you are a real sweetheart on dates.

  9. 39
    Trisha

    Mary 25 – you are right on.  If I get more than a few emails from a guy and it looks like a lifelong virtual partner, I’m out.  I prefer to meet up right away, but then it appears I’ve only obtained a first date and nothing further.  Grrr….!

  10. 40
    harley517

    I believe that a good way to break the ice is to meet for a cup of coffee an then sit in a park or take a walk and chat.  Talking on line is a good way to begin a relationship but I enjoy seeing someone’s reaction to things i say or they say.  Until you have spent time just sharing in the conversation you don’t really know who a person is until u do. Coffee is an easy way to do that.  Its a quiet relaxing place where you can have stimulating conversation get to know someone and make plans for getting together for lunch or dinner.  Things take time to develop to build on the foundation of a solid relationship.  A coffee date is a beginning to something more and yes sometimes it doesn’t work out but after the emails an texts u should know before u meet if the chemistry is there and no other time is wasted if u get together for coffee it shows each other that you are interested in getting to know them an to see what becomes of it.

  11. 41
    V

    It’s so true. Coffee dates always suck. Low cost, low committment, low interest. Also, lame!

  12. 42
    Kathleen

    I wanted to kill myself for NOT meeting last nights date at Starbucks first He looked unlike his picture was overweight got lost and was really late. I wanted to make an escape after 5 minutes………

  13. 43
    susan

    So its just coffee so what? Isn’t this just about finding a low key, low stress way to meet someone for the first time?
    I have never had a terrible first date, be it coffee or whatever – sure some have not been WONDERFUL but I have never been on one and not been asked for a second. That tells me no more than that the coffee is beside the point. The guy is there to meet you not the beverage.

  14. 44
    Kat

    I will be the first to say that I’ve never been on a coffee date. However, I have been on many, many first and blind dates. Ideally, it’s a way to meet someone and test the waters without a time or financial commitment. I guess my question is: why are you dating people you may or may not be able to stand for more than 15 minutes?!? Even if it’s a blind date based on an online connection, I always get to know someone enough to know if I’d like to share a meal or go for a walk with them. Come on, people…raise the bar. Coffee dates are so 1955.

    ~Kat~

  15. 45
    Pearl

    I avoid coffee dates after reading Evan’s book. While coffee dates did not really suck, nothing good came out of them either. I like first date to be in the late evening because then I can dress up and look more beautiful. I also feel more relaxed and romantic.

    If the date did not turn out well, I can bear with it for a couple of hours. Whats the big deal.

  16. 46
    Peter

    My dates have all been coffee dates or sitting on a park bench or walking through the woods despite my entreaties to do something more ambitious, generally about a trance music concert or a good restaurant.  The dates have been a way of getting out of the house.  (She’s my landlady when I travel on business).  She refuses more ambitious dates because Russians see a accepting a dinner date as an obligation to sleep with a man and she avoids obligations.  However, Russian owner run coffee houses are much more elegant than Starbucks as settings for a date and have pastries that rival France or Greece.  I have tried Museums and Art Galleries but illness, usually her son’s, has intervened.  If I was on the prowl then a coffee house would be great.  I am a moderate consumer of alcohol.  Offering coffee house or bar as a choice would be a good screening mechanism.  Ditto “Do you want a cigarette?”  Why spend £100 on dinner with someone who turns out to be a smoker?

    @Kat.  Until you’ve met someone you don’t know if you can stand them for 15 minutes.

  17. 47
    Clare

    Ugh. Coffee dates. Ugh. I mean, I like coffee, I like meeting my girlfriends for coffee where we order several cups and chat away, but for a date? There is nothing less inspiring. I know it’s when you’re just “trying each other on for size”, but the stakes are too low. There’s nothing risky or romantic about it, and nothing to get excited about. It says, I don’t want to spend too much time or money here, and you feel pressurised to be finished within the hour. Almost like you’re setting the date up to be *bad*.

    One of the loveliest first dates I’ve ever had was where I met a guy at an ambient restaurant with a relaxed atmosphere, and he taught me to play backgammon as we ate dinner. It lasted for 4 hours. This guy approached the date with confidence that we were going to have a good time, and we did. I realise it could have been with someone I didn’t click with and then that would have felt like a lot to sit through, but Evan has said it before, confidence is key and very attractive.

  18. 48
    Joanne

    The worst dates I’ve been on are coffee dates. I don’t accept a date just for the hell of it.  And I could pretty easily date several nights a week if I wanted to.  I take the time to email, phone, text, blahblahblah.  If at any time during that process, I get the feeling it’s a no go, I back off and slow down.  If that process isn’t going well, why waste my time meeting them?  After more than a year of internet dating, most of the guys I choose to finally meet are good guys who can at least carry a conversation for an hour or two, or I wouldn’t be there.  I’d say 50-75% of my first dates want to stay in contact and date again.  I might want to stay in contact and consider dating 10-20% of them, if not less.  Also, I generally have stopped bothering to meet men who only want to cheap out for coffee.  Sad but true.  I am who and what I say I am and my time and patience are just too valuable for BS and men who want to date a million different women.  Go quality or go home.  Just not with him! :) 

  19. 49
    Fusee

    Funny! While I certainly like being asked for dinner first dates and used to accept them, lately I’ve downgraded such request to nice independant coffee/tea house afternoon dates. I love tea dates!
     
    First reason: since I know the guy will want to pay (although I always offer to split the check) and see me again, I’m uncomfortable to accept dinner when the probability is so high that I will not want to continue. I’d rather have him spend $5.00 on me than $20.00.
     
    Second reason: since slowing down the physical progression will be a priority to me, I find afternoon dates more suitable to put a brake on chemistry and romance and focus the date on getting to know one another in bright light and with sober minds.
     
    Third reason: afternoon dates are easier to end early if needed, and they allow to keep my evening plans a bit of a mystery…
     
    But I always accept an evening date for the second round : )
     

  20. 50
    Joanne

    Peter, I don’t need 15 minutes in person.  I generally can tell during the first phone conversation if I’m going to be annoyed by him.  In these cases, I usually don’t accept a date.  However, not to long ago, I did. Mostly because we had some activities in common anod I figured maybe he would make a decent activity partner.  I tend to enjoy men who like to talk but who can’t be heard on the other side of the room.  This man was exactly in person as he was on the phone: opinionated, correcting, a little brash, and faaaaar too loud and outgoing for me – the attention seeking behavior was never-ending.  I like outgoing and charismatic, but I don’t like know-it-alls, which he was.  I knew I wasn’t going to like him before spending 15 minutes with him.  I just didn’t know he would make me so turned off I’d want to drink more, lol.

  21. 51
    Kay

    I’m pretty new to the online dating scene, and I suspect this question is referring to them in that context. I just wanted to say that I love getting coffee with people (guys and women–I’m bi) and still believe in that nice cafe atmosphere. Coffee is a stimulant, keeps the conversation going, doesn’t leave you over full and sluggish. Usually coffee dates are a bit more casual and spontaneous. Maybe shouldn’t be all you do together if its someone you really like, people who like cafes and coffee will sometimes loiter, you can always order more food or drink at your leisure. 
    In the online world, I suspect coffee date is safe for a first meeting because its faster than a meal (in case your date sucks and you need a quick out). But that might be more of an issue with online dating evolution than the nostalgia for cafe socializing. We’re filtering out people as fast as we can say “to go”, and perhaps the “coffee date” has become just another quick filter for people we’re not that sure about.

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