Why Does Evan Coach Smart, Strong, Successful Women?

Why Does Evan Coach Smart, Strong, Successful Women?

Evan,

What do you mean by smart, strong and successful women? If a woman doesn’t meet those criteria, does that mean that she can’t find love or just can’t be coached by you? I ask because a lot of love coaches out there use the same terminology and since I am a lawyer with an Ivy League background whose practiced for over 13 years but have had sporadic employment over the last five years. I wonder if I meet the criteria or have to “fix” something or figure out what’s wrong in my life first before I can attract the right man? –Mimi

Hmm. Interesting.

It honestly never occurred to me that anyone would think:

a) A woman can’t find love if she’s not smart, strong, and successful.

b) I would refuse to coach someone who does not fully categorize herself as “smart, strong, and successful.”

So let me do something unusual for you, Mimi.

I want to pull the veil off my business and be fully transparent about how I came to do this job and choose my clients.

It’s a far more interesting answer than my answer to you: (which is, in a nutshell, “No”)

In 2001, I was the most successful unsuccessful screenwriter in Hollywood. I’d written a dozen sitcom scripts, a dozen feature film scripts, had agents and managers, and took meetings with executives at every network and studio in town. But finally, after a brief flirtation with success in the form of a Top 3 finish in Matt Damon/Ben Affleck’s Project Greenlight, I had to face the facts: I was 30-year-old, penniless, and didn’t even have a resume.

Men need help, but only women ASK for help.

I took a job answering phones in customer care at JDate, and enrolled simultaneously in UCLA’s MFA program, so, at the very least, if I couldn’t get paid to write screenplays, I could get paid to be a screenwriting professor.

Predictably, I got fired from JDate after 9 months (something about telling a verbally abusive and mentally unhinged caller to “fuck off”), but used my free time to write my first book, “I Can’t Believe I’m Buying This Book: A Commonsense Guide to Successful Internet Dating” and build my first business, e-Cyrano.com, an online dating profile writing service.

Fortunately, the book got a great write-up in Time Magazine, which led to features in USA Today and on CNN, and the next thing I knew, I dropped out of film school to make a go of running e-Cyrano full time.

Suddenly, I was writing ten to twenty online dating profiles a week, and achieving great success. Clients confided in me:

“This is working great. I’m getting so much more attention. The emails from strangers are even better. What should I do now?”

The next thing you know, by late 2004, I was an online dating coach, charging a minimal amount to help people with their online dating usernames, headlines, photos and emails.

Online dating coaching led quickly to dating coaching. Dating coaching led to relationship coaching. I wrote “Why You’re Still Single: Things Your Friends Would Tell You If You Promised Not to Get Mad” in 2006. This blog began in 2007. I got married in 2008.

While I was officially a “dating coach”, it became readily apparent that my clients were, through no doing of my own, 80% female.

It was further verification of my theory that men need help, but only women ASK for help. After a few years of playing with pronouns and trying to write content for both genders, I was forced to make a business decision as I built a new EvanMarcKatz.com in 2010.

I was going to cut men off of my mailing list entirely.

Not because I didn’t like coaching men – as a man with vast dating and coaching experience, I LOVE helping guys and often find it easier to lead them to success. It was simply a matter of economics.

Why was I contorting myself to attempt to offer paid advice to a demographic (men, 35-55) who pretty much never ask for it?

The only question then was how I was going to market myself. And after years and years of teaching myself to be an entrepreneur and businessman, I learned something valuable – the narrower your niche, the more passionate your following.

I asked myself, “Who are the women who are most likely to be receptive to my services and shell out hard-earned money for them?”

It took me 10 years, 300 dates, and nearly 5 years of coaching others to figure out what I was doing wrong.

Was it the 80-year-old woman on a fixed income?

Was it the 50-year-old struggling single mom, who can barely put food on the table for her kids, much less worry about dating?

Was it the 21-year-old college graduate who gets hit on everywhere she goes and isn’t close to settling down?

Of course not. It was the woman who was already hiring me. I knew who she was. I’d just never labeled her before.

She was the female version of me.

Very bright. Very driven. Very ambitious. Very busy. Very social. Very confident. Very picky. Very critical. Very difficult. Very blind.

It took me 10 years, 300 dates, and nearly 5 years of coaching others to figure out what I was doing wrong.

Once I did, I was able to create a system that would allow women to achieve results much quicker. Who were the women who were most likely to sign up? Smart, strong, successful women, of course!

These are women who have everything going for them but their dream man.

These are women who have masculine energy but want a man who is “more man” than they are.

These are women who have worked so hard in life to achieve independence that they can’t even see that their own good qualities are the biggest obstacle to their own success in love.

I wrote my third book, “Why He Disappeared” in mid-2010, when my business coach, another smart, strong, successful woman, told me that the most important question I could answer for women like her was “Why did he disappear”?

In that last book, I articulated the same thoughts I’ve formed over the years on this blog: how smart, strong, successful women struggle because:

a) They want the 1% of the men who are more impressive than they are.
b) These men often have serious downsides and flaws, including selfishness, narcissism, workaholism, and commitmentphobia.
c) The best of this 1% often doesn’t want to date the female versions of himself.

As a result, smart, strong, successful women can either modify their behavior and become more traditionally feminine (supportive, warm, patient, nurturing, playful) OR simply choose DIFFERENT men who DO want women who are – for example – tough, blunt, critical, and busy.

Remember, the reason I am successfully able to give this advice is because a) I am very much like the women I advise and b) I am also very much like the MEN they seek.

So, Mimi, is there something wrong with you if you’re not an alpha female? Absolutely not. In fact, dating is probably easier for you.

And if you’re wondering how you should interpret my advice, here’s all I got for you: everything I write here is something I deeply believe in, something that I’ve lived through, and something for which I have considerable evidence to support.

If you want to date a smart, strong, successful man, you will find that my advice works wonders. If you want to date a shy, insecure man who is afraid to ask you out, waits for you to call him, and never looks at/thinks about/slept with other women, I’m probably not your guru.

But make no mistake, Mimi. You don’t have to “fix” yourself. You just have to understand the behaviors and thoughts of good men, and make better decisions and choices. That goes for all women, not just smart, strong, successful ones.

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Comments:

  1. 31
    Ruby

    Jenna
     
    “…But at the end of the day they were not in a position for a relationship — too young, too emotionally immature, too busy starting a company, different places in life, etc etc. The friends who commented on my independence are young (26 and 27) and one is dating a college dropout who still lives with her parents in the suburbs – he is concerned by her lack of drive. And then he tells me that I’m a great catch, obviously have everything going for me, but I’m too independent.”
     
    I think you’ve answered your own question. It may be frustrating, but you’re still quite young, with experiences still ahead of you. A lot of 20-something men aren’t ready to settle down yet. The right man will appreciate your independence and your free spirit. Be sure that you are focusing on the men who are ready to get serious and are emotionally mature, and be sure that you are ready for that as well.

  2. 32
    Lia

    @ Karmic Equation # 24
     
    Sounds like and interesting book, thanks.
     
    @ Goldie # 25
     
    Pure gold thanks!!!!!

  3. 33
    Jennifer

    Very interesting read up.  There is one thing I’ve been wondering about your services, Evan, as I have been considering them for myself.
     
    I notice a trend, when you write about clients in your blog, you always mention that they are also attractive.  I am not particularly attractive and so wonder if A) You would accept me as a client (as many dating coaches and services refuse service to those overweight and unattractive) and B) If you *would* be able to help me find love or rather, your advice would be simply lose weight and look better otherwise, I can’t help you much.

    1. 33.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      @Jennifer – Now THAT is a question I will answer in this space!

      1. For what it’s worth, I don’t always mention that clients are attractive. I mention that they’re attractive when they’re attractive. In other words, I’d bet that in over 50% of my posts I DON’T mention that my client is attractive because she’s not exceptional in that regard. My clients are a representative sample of smart, strong, successful women; not necessarily more physically attractive.

      2. Your sensitivity around this issue has allowed for somewhat selective reading. I’ve told stories – in my newsletter and on this blog – of how I’ve helped women in their 70′s, women who were 80lbs overweight, women in wheelchairs, and so on. Is it EASIER for attractive women to get more attention? Absolutely. Which is why you don’t need me to tell you that losing weight will confer a relative advantage in terms of the quantity and quality of men that are available to you. If you’re content with how you look, my job is to make the best of your circumstances. And that is something I’ve been doing, to great effect, for nearly a decade.

  4. 34
    Michelle

    #27, excellent example and I couldn’t agree with you more Lia.  I felt the same way about political views.
    I’m not sure we need coaching to see that, but if coaching helped you, that’s great!

  5. 35
    Jenna

    Thanks, all, for the insight. As I’ve reflected on how I used positive attitude and action to transform my social life, I wonder if it’s a similar thing to apply to dating. I’m not sure if Evan has gotten much into this, because I know (at least on an intellectual level, if not always in practice) that attitude and thoughts could play a lot into whether a strong, successful, independent (or otherwise) woman finds what she’s looking for. For example, I used to be shy and think that making friends was very difficult, that perhaps I didn’t have enough to offer people, and mentally only imagined myself with only a few people in my life. Well, after I moved to a friendlier city last year, and had a few successes to build on, I began making quite a bit of effort to ask people out on “friend dates” when I met a cool person at work, at a party, through friends. I threw some parties of my own as an excuse to meet more folks. A year later, I’ve got a ton of awesome people in my life, and even when people reject me or fall through, I always operate with the assumption that making friends is easy, and if one person doesn’t work out another person will. And while a lot of people around me complain it’s hard to make friends at our age, I just keep meeting a nonstop stream of friendly people who are looking to make friends – hell, now people are turning to ME for social direction and inviting me to a million things and seeing the good qualities that for so long I feared were getting ignored. If I could transfer this experiment to the dating realm I’d be unstoppable, I think …

  6. 36
    lucia balbini

    Hi Evan. I fully agree with everything you write. I was one of those women and I was lucky enough to marry one of those men. Fast forward a couple of years and two children, I discovered that to keep our marriage happy I had to become less busy and less….. “smart”….or maybe “smarter” in a different way.
    xoxo
    Lucia

  7. 37
    Sparkling Emerald

    Lucia #37    ” I discovered that to keep our marriage happy I had to become less busy and less….. “smart”….or maybe “smarter” in a different way.”
    I’ve been thinking a lot about what I want in my next partner, and ideally it would be someone who is a tad bit smarter and stronger than me. (I’m not particularly career successful so that’s a moot point) One of the many problems in my marriage was that I had a stronger personality and hubby perceives me as being smarter.  I really never thought about our relative IQ’s but since we’ve been separated he has made reference to me being smarter than  him.  During the last years of my marriage, I gradually became this mousy little nothing, walking on egg shells, so as not to incur his wrath. 
    It’s not that I particularly want someone with a stronger personality/higher IQ to be happy, but I think men are happier that way, and I certainly don’t want to have to turn into some 98 pound weakling personality wise to keep my many happy.

  8. 38
    Sparkling Emerald

    *Last sentence should read “. . . keep my man happy.”
     
     

  9. 39
    Rochelle

    Jenna #36 your story of being more shy then suddenly widening your social circle primarly from changing your mindset sounds freakishly similar to mine. lol   I  believe the same  positive thinking will also help you transform your dating experience. Our mindsets have more influence in what we experience than we were raised to believe.  I’ve seen in my own life that when you take in  too much negative talk like “it’s difficult to find love” “it’s difficult to make friends ou age” it’s difficult to find a new job” etc, that’s what you tend to experience. Best of luck to you

  10. 40
    amydk

    lucia,
    I also have to use Evan’s advice in marriage. I can become too nitpicky and bossy sometimes, and my husband loved me because I was carefree and easy going. So it ain’t over at the alter! As Ben Affleck said, it’s work!
     
    Jenna – I am sure if you redirect your energies you will meet someone. I just wanted to add a literary analysis. In writing workshop, there is often the critique — your character isn’t vulnerable. I don’t identify with her.
    Often this is in essays or memoirs. When everything is too perfect, like, the character begins in an okay place and ends in an okay place — no one can identify with the writing. “Make me worry you’re not okay” is a mantra my writing coach loves. We fall for characters with imperfections.
    In real life, this explains why men love craaaaazy women and women like to “save” depressed men.
    This does not mean that you have to be crazy or need saving. It’s just that you need to share some of your struggles and dreams and ambitions and let men see both the happy part and the other, more hidden part.
    I’m sure you’ll find someone soon.

  11. 41
    November

    I am 37, smart, v strong and successful. I am driven, busy, social, attractive, playful…all that. I am single. And I am a single mom. And I am dating, and will find the right relationship as I am on my way there.
    I am not personally offended that Evan would not coach a single mom, never mind she maybe exactly his target demographic. It’s myopic. It also verifies what he says about himself – he is opinionated, strong minded, and he is entitled to that.
    Ladies, don’t loose heart over it. Keep going after what makes you happy. Love yourself and believe in yourself. You will get there. He does have some good advice. Take what’s useful, don’t sweat over the semantics in this post.
    xo

    (I won’t even wait to post this to respond to this inanity, November: “I am not personally offended that Evan would not coach a single mom, never mind she maybe exactly his target demographic. It’s myopic. It also verifies what he says about himself – he is opinionated, strong minded, and he is entitled to that.” That’s great. Except I never said that. Anywhere. Ever. I’m coaching four single moms right now. I don’t know where you get this stuff. – EMK)

  12. 42
    November

    Evan
    You are right. My choice of words was not the best (reason 32 for not posting when too sleepy). I wanted to offer encouragement to some ladies who felt left out. I can see why you did not like my comment. I hope you weren’t upset for too long. I am glad you include single mothers in your clients. As for where I get the stuff – my opinions are just – my opinions and they change sometimes.

  13. 43
    Paula

    I just don’t think Evan would be as successful if he marketed himself as a Dating Coach for Dumb, Wimpy and Pathetic Women. :)

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