Become the Woman that No Man Can Ever Leave

I’m still buzzing from the email that I got from my former client, Michelle. And let me say, that Michelle is one of my favorite clients ever.

Always good-humored, always confident, always present – and, most importantly, always coachable, Michelle saw instant results in working with me.

She attracted a man who was different than her previous boyfriends – and that’s exactly what she needed. After all, Michelle will be the first to tell you that she’s a bit of a handful. And after dominating (and losing respect) for her last guy, she craved the attention of a man who was a little more alpha.

Men don’t stay with women who treat them as incomplete projects – they bond with women who make them feel good.

She got him – and she got all the problems that come with being with such a man.

She couldn’t tell him what to do.

She couldn’t make him say that he loved her fast enough.

She couldn’t ensure that he wanted to stick around for the future.

Although Mark treated her great, he was still very much a MAN. Early 50’s, successful, busy, a divorced father of a teenaged son, he felt very fortunate to have landed a 33-year-old stunner like Michelle.

All of the stories that Michelle told me reiterated how much he valued her, and at the time that she gave me this testimonial that’s on my Commitment Course page, she was in a great comfort zone with Mark.

He treated her well, he told her he loved her, he put up with her self-proclaimed “brattiness,” and he alluded to a future together.
But all relationships have their challenges, and Mark and Michelle were no different.

The elephant in the room for this couple was that Michelle very much wants to have kids, while Mark never really anticipated that he’d be a father again in his 50’s.

While I was coaching Michelle through the first four months of their relationship (and intermittently in between), I cautioned her to NOT put any pressure on him about getting married and having kids. While theoretically, she could be “wasting” her time with him, my advice was to let him fall in love with her.

If he did, she would have a lot more leverage when the baby talk came up, as opposed to trying to extract an answer out of him in the early stages of the relationship.

This worked like a charm. Because really, it was no secret that Michelle wanted to be a Mom, and since Mark was a man of integrity, he wanted to do right by his girlfriend. He agreed, last July, to be the future father of her children.

Then he changed his mind a few months later.

No matter how much he loved Michelle, Mark just couldn’t pull the trigger on a second round of fatherhood, and they tearfully parted ways.

True love will find you sooner rather than later – as long as you prioritize your love life.

I was sad for Michelle, but very proud at how she handled herself. Despite her high-maintenance tendencies, she became better at understanding Mark’s needs and point of view, and created the healthiest relationship that she’d ever had before.

Every time she wanted to criticize him for how he handled his relationship with his son, or his ex-wife, or his boss, she remembered that men don’t stay with women who treat them as incomplete projects – they bond with women who make them feel good.

Most importantly, from our work together, Michelle knew that her future husband wants to be a dad, and thus, she had no regrets about walking away when she did.

That was the last I’d heard from Michelle. Until today.

Turns out that her breakup only lasted for one week.

Mark loved Michelle.

Her playfulness, her sexiness, and yes, even her attitude and mood swings. After spending a year and a half together, Mark realized that he couldn’t imagine life without her. Which is as it should be.

And while I give Michelle credit for becoming the woman that no man can ever leave, Michelle actually gives ME credit. Here’s a snippet of her note to me:

I asked him why he had a change of heart and finally came to this conclusion.  He said because he’s in love with me. 

I can’t tell you what this has done for me in this relationship.  I feel so relieved and at ease with it all. 

Evan, you taught me to be playful, lighthearted, patient, kind and compassionate. 

You’re an AMAZING (THE BEST) dating coach!

Thank you.  


Love,

Michelle

I love Michelle and I love this story.

A confident, successful, attractive woman in her mid-30s finds a masculine, confident man, wins him over with her feminine energy, and makes herself so indispensable to his life that he can’t imagine being without her.

I’m attending their wedding this summer in San Francisco and I couldn’t be more excited for the both of them.

Know that this is within your grasp and that true love will find you sooner rather than later – as long as you prioritize your love life like Michelle did.

http://www.evanmarckatz.com/coaching/

Join 9 Million Readers

And the thousands of women I've helped find true love. Sign up for weekly updates for help understanding men.

I hate spam as much as you do, therefore I will never sell, rent, or give away your email address.

Join our conversation (203 Comments).
Click Here To Leave Your Comment Below.

Comments:

  1. 121
    Steve Borgman (@SteveBorgman)

    Evan, am wondering whether you coach adults with autism or Aspergers, a condition marked by difficulties with social communication. I work with a lot of these adults as a therapist, and am curious to know whether you have successfully coached some of them?

    1. 121.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      I have not had that experience, Steve, especially since most of my clients are women, and men are more likely to be autistic. I’d just send ’em to my mailing list and see if they like the free materials. No need to hire me as a coach.

  2. 122
    mufty

    Hi Evan,good job here.

     

  3. 123
    Dee

    The title of the post was misleading. I expected many more concrete tips and examples of how to become the woman that no man would ever want to leave. I didn’t find that anywhere in this article aside from the one comment about men not wanting to be treated like projects. The article wasn’t helpful.

    1. 123.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      Yes, that WAS the message. Allow him to choose you instead of trying to twist his arm. Not every article is a listicle with the “Top 5” tips. Sometimes pieces are centered around only one single idea.

  4. 124
    Rox

    Evan, I usually agree with all your advice in every article that you post. I like the part here where you said ‘make him fall in love with you’ cz that way the woman has leverage compared to the man being pressured to do something. Thanks as always. I always love reading your articles and I always agree!

  5. 125
    Dee

    well..life is very short…if you have the chance of happiness then take it…nothing is ever guaranteed to work out as we think it should…so if you have a chance give it a shot….i am 57 and have chosen wrong partners….but i have learned and grown and am once again looking though this time i am hoping i will be more sensible….but it does get harder as you are older and i have found that many  men really  do look for much younger or much older women these days……

  6. 126
    Lisa

    I am not sure I agree with you on this one for several reasons.  First the title of this article implies that a woman can create such a self that no man will ever leave her and we all know that’s not true.  While certainly there are women that drive men away there are also many men that will leave any woman no matter how playful and sexy they act ( yes I’m throwing your words at you sorry) but you see what I am saying.  Many women put a lot of pressure and blame on themselves by nature so to imply we have all the power is simply not true.  Some men are never going to commit to any woman and some just are not right and it may not be the woman’s fault.  I don’t think a woman should be spoiled or bitchy and if the changes being made are positive great but you frequently encourage district personality changes and that to me is just not realistic.  Criticize no, demand marriage and children at 4 months heck no!  But ask about it and discuss the subject totally appropriate in a non critical and accusatory way.  And if you don’t like the answer then I say leave don’t stick around and criticize.  See I don’t think this man changed his mind about kids one bit.  I see a man who had waffled back and forth on his decision and will likely waffle back again and while you see this as a win I see this as a man who either really does love this woman or who realizes how lucky he is to score a young 30 year old and whichever in this case did not want to lose it!  He realized he needed to tell her he would have kids to keep her so he did.  For now that’s somewhere down the road and I would bet you EMK he will waffle again.   Maybe they will have kids but may never be fully involved he may act resentful he will remind her he did not make the choice.  I would be very concerned if I was her.  And I’ve seen this before many times.  You do not at all seem concerned about his going back and forth on wanting kids and her strong desire to have them?   I think you should be.

  7. 127
    A so called "Trophy Wife"

    I’m amazed at the bitterness going on in these comments. I’m 14 years younger than my husband. Why are so many quick to judge and think that I married him for money? What money? Maybe this young woman is marrying for love and friendship. The sex isn’t always going to be smoldering and yes there will be times when you want to poke his eyes out. The snarky comments about gold diggers, trophy wives, ect are nauseating. My husband has never been married, never had children and neither had I. He was waiting for me(I had to graduate first 😉) and I was searching for him. Happily ever after is rare but it does exist

    1. 127.1
      Marie

      You are not a trophy wife then. You just married someone a bit older. You have nothing in common with this woman in the article other than that. There is nothing wrong really with a trophy wife imo-I think if two adults agree on something god love them. It is just gross how this woman is encouraged to stay with this man who clearly does not want kids when she does. It is really awful to think how this will end up-but glad  you are happy.

      1. 127.1.2
        Evan Marc Katz

        I just read this comment, and, in brief:

        Michelle was encouraged to LEAVE her boyfriend. She did. He came back and said that he’d be willing to have kids with her. This shows that Michelle is strong and has healthy boundaries, which her boyfriend respected.

        They got engaged, got married, and then determined that kids weren’t as important as she’d thought. As a school teacher, Sunday school teacher and dog owner, Michelle had plenty of people to take care of.

        So what are they left with? A happy marriage in which they both feel satisfied. Really. I’ve seen it with my own eyes.

        She’s not a trophy wife or a gold digger. She happened to fall in love with a much older man (not something I recommend, by the way). But I think we should allow them their happiness instead of trying to tear them down and shoot holes in it.

  8. 128
    Buck25

    I used to be amazed by the bitterness and hate so often directed at May-December relationships by so many of the women on this forum. I’m not, anymore. I can only surmise that some of the harshest comments come from women who feel that the women in these relationships are somehow “stealing” from the pool of men they would like to date, and that the men involved actually have the effrontery to not desire women their age. “How dare a man my age not want me!” and “How dare a younger woman poach on my turf”, or “How dare someone else want what I don’t!” The plain truth for a lot of these haters, is that they can’t stand to see someone else happy, while they remain miserable. I don’t know whether they think their rage will change those men, or the younger women who actually want them, or whether they are simply venting their spleen at both. I don’t suppose it matters. Apparently the idea that those whose desires and beliefs are at odds with their own might possibly be happier than they are, is a perceived “injustice” they cannot abide. I don’t suppose I should be so hard on them after all; their attitude, nasty as it is, is also its own punishment.

  9. 129
    Marie

    Ok….so what if it were the female who is twenty years older ?   I’m guessing you would think two decades is an issue . Of course , he’s gonna be smitten with his young ,sexy ” accommodating ” female . But , if you think it’s only ok for men to be that much older you’re chauvinistic .  I believe I have also read in your blog the ” men are visual ” cliche , which is also rooted in chauvinism. I am extremely visual , probably more so than my mate . Before women became more independent ,  they couldn’t afford to be visual because they looked to men for financial stability …But , the world changed !!!   And , we are lustful ,visual creatures ..Just read some Anais Nin …I love your blog , but all men of your age have some subconscious prejudices towards females , even mine , who is brilliant , and progressive …..

    1. 129.1
      Chance

      Women still look to men for financial stability.

      1. 129.1.1
        Karmic Equation

        I disagree with that statement, Chance, at least as it relates to the women who frequent this blog.

        I think most women (at least in this blog) look for men to be financially stable themselves. He should be gainfully employed enough to pay off his obligations be they student loans, alimony, or child support, and not be living with his parents.

        The women who “look to men for financial stability”…those women aren’t the major participants in this blog.

        So while I will agree that some women look to men for financial stability, Evan’s target audience are not in that demographic.

        1. Buck25

          Karmic,

          I concur with you 100% on this one. Are there women out there who look for a man to support them, (perhaps in the lifestyle to which they would like to become accustomed :))? Yes, there are some; but in my experience that’s not even close to a majority of women, and certainly not the majority of women who frequent this blog. As a matter of fact, for all the guys who believe that if they only had lots of money, they’d have their pick of women, let me assure you, it isn’t so; it doesn’t necessarily hurt, but to most women, it’s down the priority list. True, many are drawn to the ability, passion and purposed that’s frequently associated with financial success, but it’s that, not wealth in and of itself, that’s attractive. I’ve known more than one millionaire trust fund baby who’s never worked an honest day in his life, and some of them couldn’t get a date with a washed-up barfly in a cheap dive on a slow night! I can say that from the perspective of having had enough success in business to have an income and a net worth that’s…well, far in excess of the maximum listed on most dating sites ( I made that the old-fashioned way; I earned it), so I think I would know. I don’t flaunt it; I live well, albeit moderately (my accountant tells me I spend as much on philanthropy as on myself)… and I have to work to get a date online or in real life just like any average older guy who doesn’t look like Sean Connery or Sam Elliott. I’m well-known enough locally, that if money was the kind of primary drawing card some of you guys believe it is, I’d have women lining up to date me. They aren’t. 🙂

          Let’s give the ladies a little more credit here; it’s not “all about the money” for the vast majority of them. As long as you’re solvent and fiscally responsible, it’s your looks and personality that will carry the day (or not).

        2. Christine

          I have to agree with Karmic on this one.  After a certain point, if a man is just financially stable–having more money doesn’t give that much more of an advantage.

          I know a former colleague of mine who was married to a really rich surgeon.  They had a house full of servants, etc.  It didn’t compensate for his hypercritical personality and she still divorced him.

          Now she’s married to another man who is financially stable, but not rich, middle class.  She couldn’t be happier and they’re one of the best couples I know.  She wouldn’t trade her current husband for her ex even if given the chance, and really doesn’t miss the fancy lifestyle she had before (which didn’t make up for the constant criticism he dished out).

          I personally don’t look to my boyfriend for financial stability.  I make roughly the same salary as he does, and really don’t “need” his money, per se, to support myself.   We’re together because our personalities just clicked, right from the beginning.

        3. Chance

          I believe EMK has said on here before that he has often encountered clients who want a man to make at least as much as they do, which is pretty consistent with what I’ve seen.  I know most women do not need someone to financially save them, but I think most of them want a man to financially supplement them.  If this weren’t the case, we would see a lot more women walking down the isle with men who make notably less than what these women make.

           

          When someone expects his/her partner to make at least as much as he/she does, that is what I consider to be looking to another person for financial stability.

           

          However, kudos to women like you for being more evolved.

    2. 129.2
      Karl R

      Marie said:

      “Ok….so what if it were the female who is twenty years older?   I’m guessing you would think two decades is an issue.”

       

      Your guess would be wrong.

      More precisely, neither Evan nor I would consider two decades to be more of an issue when the woman is older than the man.  The age gap will present some challenges, so it becomes a trade-off — Is what you’re getting with this partner enough better to make that particular challenge worthwhile?

       

      Marie said: (#127.1)

      “It is just gross how this woman is encouraged to stay with this man who clearly does not want kids when she does.”

       

      It sounds like he changed his mind about having more kids.  Do you really think it’s gross that a fifty-something man can choose to change his mind?

       

      Evan said: (original post)

      “Most importantly, from our work together, Michelle knew that her future husband wants to be a dad, and thus, she had no regrets about walking away when she did.”

       

      Furthermore, it sounds like you may have misinterpreted what Evan actually encouraged Michelle to do.

      1. 129.2.1
        Evan Marc Katz

        It’s pretty interesting how people can ignore the words on the page and actually argue with me over things I’ve never said.

        1. Karmic Equation

          Just a guess…

          But I’d surmise that Marie’s love life doesn’t go well because she either intentionally misunderstands her man and regularly accuses them of doing or saying things they never said or she has reading or listening comprehension problems that causes her to pick fights or misunderstand her dates/boyfriends.

          If it’s the latter, she should seek help from professionals trained in that field.

          If it’s the former…then she needs to change that proclivity in order to have a chance of finding relationship happiness.

  10. 130
    em

    I had a seven year relationship with a much older man. It ended eventually but for a long time we were both very happy.

    The only thing that tarnished this relationship were some peoples reactions to it this included my own sister eventually I could not see my nieces . I had a lot of disapproval with people claiming ” I was a golddigger or a bimbo. It was made what should have been a happy time (falling in love) difficult.

    Also people that were always busy & didn’t have much time for us suddenly had an opinion. Its wrong to jump to conclusions & assume stereo types, I mean how wld it look any different from the outside if the age gap couple are genuinely in love, it wouldn’t………….

  11. 131
    Michael

    If a guy does not want kids than either accept it or move on.  I would say waiting until the man falls in love with you is alot like manipulation.  If I am on a date with a woman who says she wants kids and marriage I am ok with that unless she is saying she wants them that night.

  12. 132
    ReallyAre

    Well Career women are certainly trouble.

  13. 133
    Reality

    Well with the kind of women out there today can that be possible.

  14. 134
    Julie Bilotta

    This seriously is NOT a success story.

    Here you have two people with different life goals.  One partner succumbed to please the other.  Having children is a HUGE choice and responsibility.  You don’t have children to please the other person.  Children are NOT an accessory.

    So the advice was to hide one’s true desires so the other partner can ‘come around’?  Sounds like manipulation to me.  To suggest letting the man fall in love with her first is plain wrong.  Once feelings are involved, the bait and switch tactic is not akin to a purchase you didn’t want to make that you can return.  This is terrible advice.

    So it had a ‘happy’ ending.  Ok, so one partner leaves and that’s the ultimate ultimatum.

    Bah.  This is bullshit; it reeks of covert manipulation & dishonesty.

    1. 134.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      And yet the couple is still married. I was at their wedding and remain Facebook friends with them.

    2. 134.2
      Karmic Equation

      I think you missed the boat, Julie.

      Michelle made it known she wanted children at around the 4 month mark. Four months into a relationship is an appropriate time to discuss this, as both parties should still be able to part ways at that point pretty easily as their lives haven’t integrated yet. (And if they were integrated, then that is way too fast and not a healthy way to let the relationship build and unfold).

      Mark vacillated, first he didn’t want them, then because Michelle wanted, he decided he would too, then he decided he really didn’t. That’s when they broke up. Michelle and he broke up because they decided that they did not have the same life goals, e.g., children. They broke up so that Michelle could find the guy who would want children and Mark broke up so that he could find a woman who didn’t. That is the adult thing to do when you have incompatible life goals.

      Then during their time apart, Mark reevaluated his life goals in relation to his feelings for Michelle. He decided he’d rather have Michelle in his life than to stick to his decision about not having children. He consciously DECIDED that he valued Michelle more than he valued his stance on children.

      There’s nothing wrong with that.

      Changing one’s mind is not only the prerogative of women.

       

      1. 134.2.1
        Julie

        “Changing one’s mind is not only the prerogative of women.”

        That’s true & fair.  I just would figure over 50, you’d have your life’s goals figured out when it comes to producing a human life.  So men are fickle too.  I’m not.

        1. Karmic Equation

          Hi Julie,

          You may not be fickle on this issue, but I’m pretty sure you’re fickle on others. Unless you’re robot, when circumstances change, our stances on certain ideas/issues change.

          Just take politics. Way back when, I registered so I could vote for Bill Clinton, a Democrat. This year, I’m not voting Democrat. On local ballots, I tend to vote anti-incumbent, not along partisan lines.

          There is no age limit to mind changing.

          Don’t be so determined to find fault with the guy because of his age or because of his gender.

        2. Christine

          Hmmm, I’m just wondering, is changing your mind about having biological children (or not) different than changing your mind on anything else?  I admit that there is (generally) an optimal window of opportunity for having biological children–and it’s not something that’s easy to come back and do later.

          However, I can also think of other endeavors that also have limited windows of opportunity (say, becoming an Olympian–I don’t think we’ll see a ton of middle-aged athletes in Rio in a few months!  And I’ve seen people change their minds all the time about whether to go for certain Olympic cycles or not)  Is changing your mind about children different than changing your mind about other areas of life?

    3. 134.3
      Christine

      Well, since they’re apparently still happily married, I would consider that a success.

      Actually, I think Evan told us that later on, Michelle changed her mind and decided that children weren’t so important to her after all.  So they don’t have kids, but Michelle is happy with that.  Sometimes, people just change their minds and their “script” of how they think their lives “should” turn out.  The fact that both Mark and Michelle, at various points, changed their minds on children shows me that it must not have been as much of a dealbreaker as they had first thought it was (if it were, you’d think they would have stuck to their positions more).

       

      1. 134.3.1
        Julie

        To each their own and as we grow and change our priorities, needs and wants evolve as well.  I just thought having children was a ‘big’ thing to consider as a woman having a window for that. Seems like the woman settled for ‘pre-made family’ but if she and that are happy with each other, that’s all that matters.

         

  15. 135
    Julie

    Karmic Equation:  Is that you Evan under a different name? No?
    I’d reply but there is no option for that.

    As for being fickle, I have changed my stance on some unimportant things sure, but having children (in my case NOT wanting children) is pretty solid.  I have seen people settle for what they really didn’t want and were quite happy for a while, then eventually their original wishes/desires are something of regret.  This is not absolute as we are all different but hey, in reality, the guy got what he wanted and the woman compromised.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *