(Video) Do Men Owe Women An Apology?

A friend of mine posted this video on her Facebook page the other day. I watched it from beginning to end and wasn’t sure what to think.

On one hand, the clip is filled with heartwarming, earnest sentiments. Truly, if the world were filled with more men like this, dating would be a breeze.

On the other hand, is this really how we want our men to sound? Which is to say, very much like women…

Personally, I dig the message and agree that men can become a whole lot better at relating to women. I’m just not sure that I would really enjoy hanging out with these kinds of guys myself.

I’d love to hear your thoughts. Do you like sensitive, spiritual, new age guys?

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Comments:

  1. 31
    JoAnn

    There are pieces of this video that correlate with my own opinions, but it still seems contrived to me.  It would be more meaningful if in ‘regular’ conversational words, and without the spiritual overtones. I think of the ‘best’ men I know, like and admire, and cannot picture them in the above group.  Whatever its source or intent, if feels like a con, to persuade me to drop defenses and buy into something without much questioning. It also seems to imply that it is a response to what all women would want.  Oops – all women are individuals.  Put me down as a skeptic.

  2. 32
    maria

    I loved every second of this video!!! These men display a level of enlightenment over the way women have been oppressed for Millennia that makes me want to cry!!!
    THEY GET IT! THEY GET IT! THEY GET IT!
    I would love to date each and every one of them. With all due respect, if all men were like this Evan, you would be out of business. You would not have to constantly massage all of us into dealing with the reality of how cruel, selfish, shallow and nasty men really are!

    I am in love with this video and the men in it!! I am quite sure that they all have their “real guy” moments. But just the fact that they cared enough about women to make this video makes me HAPPY!

    THANK YOU!!!!

  3. 33
    Zann

    Truth-be-told, it felt manipulative, paternalistic, and condescending. “Mood music,” birds in flight, and the classic drop of water & rippling effect …. Oh please.  

    Maybe I am jaded and cynical, but I always say: Beware the New Age Man. I’m an old feminist; but even so, I’ll take the out-front, unpretentious, unapologetic womanizer any day over the faux-feminist guy, spouting the sensitivity jargon he’s learned, posing as the great equalizer, when really he’s got no idea (nor does he want to learn) how to live with and love a woman with genuine respect, appreciating her strengths, as well as her “otherness.”

    Placing women on a pedestal won’t get us anywhere. It makes us sound like delicate creatures, when what we are is “reasonable creatures” (disclosure: I stole that phrase from a Katha Pollit book of essays.)  Bottom line: all life should be revered, period. And people who are power hungry and cruel need to apologize to people they hurt..male or female. 

    I think masculinity often gets mistaken for chauvinism, and they are distinct. A man has no control over the fact that he was born male, so why apologize for his gender as a whole? It’s futile and empty.  There were a couple of excellent political points made, though, like the chauvinism of war and territorial aggression, disrespect for the environment, and the fact that men have primarily been the heads of state/power, heads of trade and industry throughout most of known history. I just wish these acknowledgements could have been made in a more straightforward manner. Without the touchy-feely, Jonathon Livingston Seagull-ishness.

    And to answer your question, Even — I do not want to hang out with any of these dudes. 

  4. 34
    dave

    These men need to grow a pair. I feel nauseated already.

  5. 35
    Tina

    Honestly? Pardon the juvenile sound of this, but I found the guys creepy and couldn’t sit through the video.  Or perhaps I simply believe that the world is full of great guys and not so great guys, and don’t feel a need to listen to it.  It’s not terrible, what they’re saying, it’s just that I personally don’t go for the fluffy type. (And anyway, fluffy guys certainly don’t exist here in the Mediterranean!)

  6. 36
    Ron

    I have seen this posted on facebook and replied that I am done apologizing for the collective masculine. It is time to move on rather than dwell on past wounds. I feel this applies to women as well as men. These men would make good girlfriends but as David Deida would ask.”Where is the polarity”?

  7. 37
    Steve

    Youtube videos have a button for people to vote whether or not they like a video.  The tally is displayed under the video with the number of views.  I found it interesting that these men who were equating everything wrong with men, domination and the use of force disabled the ability of people to express themselves by voting for the video up or down.   How manly of them.
     

  8. 38
    lux aeterna

    This is just too weird. No one can take responsibility for other people’s actions, or apologize for them. Like a previous poster said, it would be a lot more heartwarming if these men apologized for their own misdeeds against women, like ‘I treated my wife/boss/mother/girlfriend badly, I’m truly sorry.’
    As for dating new age men, well.. it depends on the man. I know some hippie types who are into vegetarianism, yoga, music festivals, alternative healing and all that, but still retain their masculine energy. So it all comes down to whether we are interested in men who put women on a pedestal while feeling down about their own masculinity. The answer for me is a clear NO.
    A little while ago I met a very soft and loving man online. However I soon lost interest because I noticed that his submissive personality brought out too much of my own masculinity. I felt like I was the guy… I became the overly assertive one, and I never really felt I found the strong cave-man in him who could protect me on that very primitive animalistic level. If I don’t get a sense of testosterone in a man he seems genderless to me, rather than feminine. I lose all sexual interest.
    I think the best advice to men is to embrace their masculinity to the full, but be self aware and act responsibly when their testosterone takes over and fuels their fires in ways that might be damaging to their environment. That’s how I’d raise my sons to be if I had any!

  9. 39
    Melissa

    creepy in my opinion…..artificial, almost like stepford husbands lol. I would honestly have to say I would be turned off by these kind of men. probably cause I would assume it’s fake :)

  10. 40
    SS

    Maybe I am jaded and cynical, but I always say: Beware the New Age Man.


    Gotta agree… and this is coming from someone who embraced old-school feminism in college and was thrilled to meet and get involved with a sensitive, New Age man.

     
    Well, my New Age man didn’t like conflict and argument. So once, when he was angry at me, his way of handling conflict was simply to avoid it and lock me out of his apartment until he was ready to talk. Never mind that I had gotten up at his place that day to go to work and missed some of his phone calls because I was assisting my parents with something… I called and told him I was on my way back and because he didn’t want to “lash out” (for WHAT?) at me, he simply didn’t answer my calls, hid his car in a different parking lot so I wouldn’t see that he was home and put on the deadbolt so that when I showed up, I couldn’t use the key to get in.
     
    I’ve dealt with some not-so-great dudes before, but never did any of the non-sensitive men do anything remotely as terrible as that. But oh, Mr. New Age said this was his away of “avoiding arguments” and “negative energy.”
     
    When we broke up and I offered to come by his place quickly to pick up my things, he said he didn’t think that would be a great idea because it could “get ugly.” I had no intentions of “getting ugly,” I just wanted my stuff. He said he’d get back to me… two days later, a big box arrived at my home full of my things and a note talking about how he loved me and forgave me and forgave himself for any wrong that might have been enabled by the universe or some BS like that.
     
    Ugh… just thinking of that guy makes me so thankful for finding the TOTAL opposite in my husband! Every conservative, traditionalist, golf-playing inch of him!  LOL

  11. 41
    Leslie

    I would not want to hang out with or date these guys. I don’t want a man with feminine energy. If I was attracted to feminine energy.. I’d date a girl?
    And as for masculine men committing atrocities against women, that’s a general human thing, not a man thing. Both men and women commit atrocities and for every bad guy there is a great guy outthere as well. Women against men, women against women (especially to win the approval of other women and men) and women against their children. So it the solution that there is too much feminine energy in us and we should become more like men? Their point makes zero sense to me. All relationships are about celebrating the differences and learning to get along, not becoming copies of each other so that we are exactly the same, have no differences, and hence never experience conflict.

  12. 42
    chihsarah

    I like the statement and I think it is the right direction we, as a human race, should be heading as living conscious men and women.  Although the production and the casting can do better.  Nevertheless, it makes me smile to know that these men have the courage and initiative to be part of the film even though I can sense that not all of them quite get the concept at a deeper level.  
    Should ‘men’ apologize to ‘women?” hm…. that’s a complicated question in a sense of reincarnation if you believe in it that we once were men and also women at one point of time.   We all did wrong to each other at a point of time.  So I guess we all need to be apologizing to each other.  Then we embrace, then we love.  Yeepee.

  13. 43
    Steve

    @Zan #33
    A man has no control over the fact that he was born male, so why apologize for his gender as a whole?
     
    I think the concept of people apologizing for who they are rather than what they as individuals actually did is just flat out toxic.
     
     
    I think masculinity often gets mistaken for chauvinism, and they are distinct.
     
     
    Bravo!  That is what I was trying to articulate in my earlier comments, but you did it more clearly and succinctly.
     
     

  14. 44
    DFL

    @Steve 37:
    Knowing the cesspit that is Youtube commenters, I’m not at all surprised and would have done the same.

  15. 45
    Selena

    @Steve #37

    Wow. That is odd. Hmm.

  16. 46
    Kevin

    I know what people mean about them coming over a bit wimpy. But I don’t see that as the totality of who they are, I see it as them owning their part in the male hegemony and acknowledging the impact of that, both on men and women, and thus creating a space for something new. The something new is what’s contained in their declaration of honouring the feminine, etc.

    In my view how people will experience the video is all about their filters and their level of consciousness. The Tarzan and Jane school (both genders) won’t get it, clearly. And anyone who says, “Why are they apologising for being male?” is missing the point, cos they’re aren’t, and anyone who says, “Why are they apologising for being masculine?” is also missing the point, cos they ain’t doing that either.

    They’re apologising for the actions and impact of the *unconscious* masculine. For me this is inspiring, because it helps me to become aware of and own how that shows up in me, and when I own it it becomes far less powerful in running my life, and thus creates a space for me to relate to women in a more conscious way. Which is what I’m actually committed to.

  17. 47
    Steve

    @DFL #44
    I had the same thought.
    Those men didn’t disable comments, the set comments for that video to be moderated.   What they did disable was the ability of viewers to vote on whether or not they like the video.    How “evolved” can they be if they can’t handle their video getting a bad score?

  18. 48
    Karl R

    Venus said: (#5)
    “Now it is time for a similar apology from women to men because we are not faultless!”
    Venus said: (#27)
    “Why should women apologize?  How about I apologize for being an emasculating bitch in the boardroom but this was the only way to get you to accept me as your boss.  Apologize for depriving you of your rights as a father because I was angry and resentful with you for moving on so quickly after the divorce… lol  I know there are many more.    (And no, those two apologies do not apply to me but I have seen women who do this.)”

    I have to agree with Gem (#10). It’s meaningless for you to apologize on behalf of the women who actually hurt me. You didn’t do it, so you can’t take ownership of the mistake.

    And if you “apologize” in the manner that I quoted, it’s likely to make matters worse. Reread what you said. You’re blaming the man for not accepting the woman as his boss. Your blaming the man for moving on so quickly after the divorce. I’ve never heard a sincere apology end with the words, “But you made me do it.”

    If a man has treated a woman badly, I can feel sorry for that woman. People shouldn’t treat others that way. But I can’t apologize for what happened, unless I was somehow responsible.

    maria said: (#32)
    “With all due respect, if all men were like this Evan, you would be out of business. You would not have to constantly massage all of us into dealing with the reality of how cruel, selfish, shallow and nasty men really are!”

    If that’s the way you believe “men really are,” don’t waste your time dating. You will never find the right person.

    Men and women can be be cruel, selfish, shallow and nasty. You will encounter some of those people while dating (and elsewhere). But if you believe that’s the way men are (or women are), you’re sabotaging your own ability to relate to others.

    A lot of times people’s motives for their actions are ambiguous or unclear. If you believe that people are cruel, selfish, shallow and nasty, those are the motives that you will attribute to their behavior … regardless of whether your belief is correct.

    How well can you get along with a person who is convinced that you’re a cruel, selfish, shallow and nasty person?

  19. 49
    Kevin

    What if it were possible to be consciously masculine without being a “new age man” and without being a “male chauvinist pig”?
    It is possible, and that’s where these guys are coming from.
    Read the introduction to The Way of the Superior Man by David Deida and you’ll get it.

  20. 50
    Steve

    @Kevin post #46
     
    I’m a native English speaker and I think the men from the video are saying exactly the things you are denying they are saying.   You mentioned people using filters.  What about  “They’re apologizing for the actions and impact of the *unconscious* masculine.” ?   Please.   No disrespect intended.

  21. 51
    Gem

    Kevin,

    What if it were possible to be consciously masculine without being a “new age man” and without being a “male chauvinist pig”?

    It is possible. It’s called character and integrity. 

    In the video, they say that rape, abuse, sexual mutilation, subjugation, etc., are caused by “our unconscious actions when we were angry, scared, and in the grip of distructive forces in our psyche.” and “because of the unconscious relationship to the feminine.”

    Say whaaa?

    First of all, it sounds like, “we can’t help it, we were born barbaric bastards but we are commited to rise above it, and worship the feminine because you are better than us for having been born women.” 

    They speak as if their is something inherenly bad with masculinity and bad is the default status of men. 

    And what about all the men in history and today who never raped or used a woman. Are they more conscious? More evolved? Fully integrated with their feminine?

    Or are they just respectful, moral, decent men of integrity who make good choices and don’t apologize for being born with a penis?

  22. 52
    Beth

    These men remind me of a man I dated who was very into all of this masculine/feminine engry stuff.  Don’t get me wrong, I think there is something to it (but Evan says it best  – men want women who make them feel good when they are around them, not another business partner.  That explains the masculine/feminine thing perfectly.  In my opinion, these groups take it to an extreme.  Part of the reason the relationship with my ex ended was because he spent so much time trying to follow the “rules” or “beliefs” of the group that the relationship became almost scripted.  It was unrealistic and annoying.

    There is something very cultish about these philosophies and the way they are presented and I am hesitant to take any of this seriously.  These guys were creepy and not people that I would want to date.

  23. 53
    M

    Ok, wow at some of these post. I don’t  know how you even sat through the whole thing. I stopped it at 30 seconds.
    1) Mutual respect is a must, but I don’t need a 8 minute video to tell me that, and…
    2)I agree with what Gem said in #2…I love our difference…give me back real men (ok, that last part came from me, Gem didn’t say that). This metro movement is too much. Be a man. Be clean, have manners, but I don’t want to date a man in touch with his feminine side, I want to date a man in touch with his masculine side that respects my feminine side…yin and yang…they compliment each other. Yes, men and women both grow up and mature and change over time to be more sensitive to their partners and their partners needs…but I still want my man to be a man.
    I know some of you are really going to hate that comment, but it’s just my opinion, and I wont be taping any apologies for it, so no need to yell at me.

  24. 54
    Ruby

    Kevin #46 

    I think what you say in your first paragraph is spot on! The authors of this video – who scripted it, BTW – are interested in the idea of “collective apology” as a form of healing. I think when you talk about the “*unconscious* masculine”, you are referring to accepted or deeply ingrained beliefs about male power and subjugation of women. Oftentimes, these beliefs are part of an accepted collective unconsciousness that treats women as persons of lesser status and power. As John Lennon said “Woman is the n-(word) of the world”.

  25. 55
    Sarahrahrah!

    Agree, #46, #54

    I think it is difficult to articulate the violence and injustice perpetrated against women by men without generalizing and using clichès (in this case, new age clichès).  That said, I thought this was AWESOME and the men in it didn’t strike me as weak at all.  While I’m not a new ager, I really appreciated the general sentiment behind this and loved that these guys were thoughtful enough to recognize how entitlement is almost built in to male culture.   

    One of my heroes, Shirley Chisholm once said, “Of my two handicaps, being female put many more obstacles in my path than being black.”

    I think that a lot women who saw this and were offended by it had such a reaction because they haven’t not recognized and named the severe subjugation of women by men — in the present day and in the past.  I think that you have to face that reality first before you can really accept this “peace offering” of sorts by the men who made the video.

  26. 56
    morgan

    I think these chaps have been spending a bit too much time rubbing their crystals.

  27. 57
    Snazzy

    Ugh!

    I tried hard but couldn’t bring myself to even get half way through.

    No, I don’t want one of these men- they sound like cult leaders! And a bulk apology on behalf of all men is ridiculous.

    More to the topic at hand I do actually like masculine energy. Men are not perfect and some could improve- women aren’t perfect and some could improve.

  28. 58
    Steve

    In my opinion the lion’s share of the creepiness of this video probaaly comes from people emphatically stating that their nature is flawed.   Who they are, if they are men is defective.  A nuage feminist original sin.   They can only be saved by renouncing who they are ( their “unconsicous masculinity” ) and work to become something they are not.
    The music also likely upped the “creepiness” factor.
     
    I’m guessing glazed gazes that really creeped people out  came from reading a script off of cue  cards or reciting a barely rememered script from memory………any of which would make the affect of the men in the video seem unnatural.

  29. 59
    Kurt

    Those fools never get any decent women.  The vast majority of men do not respect or want men who kiss their asses and apologize profusely like the idiots in this video.  Women want masculine men, not weak men like the ones in this video.

  30. 60
    splade

    really?  i am a open-minded woman who is all for the sentiments these men are trying to get across but the way they did it just creeped the heck out of me!
    first off a little pet peeve of mine: grossly misusing the term “gender.”  Gender is a set of behavioral expectations defined by a culture that outlines what it is to be “feminine,” “masculine,” “transgendered” or any other recognized gender.  A male can be gendered feminine… “SEX” is what should have been used.  Minus points for for that.
    Onto the real issue though.  I felt infantalized by this video.  We acknowledge all of the hurts caused over centuries, but do we need to continually victimize people?  I’m from a town that is 50% first nations with a lot of horrendous religious and colonial history.  There is a lot of healing that goes on, but we don’t sit around and continually apologize to each other.  We move on, make friendships and work to an understanding.  And there were some very eurocentric statements made in this video that makes me wonder how much time have these men spent actually understanding different situations, or do they sit at home making worse-case scenario assumptions?
    “I’m sorry we raped you.  I’m sorry we burned you at the stake. I’m sorry blah blah blah.”  I’m the kind of person who acknowledges and moves on.  I don’t like to fester in it, nor do I appreciate being dragged back into it because someone felt it their duty to separate themselves from what they feel is wrong.
    Come on Buddy, I don’t need you to apologize for what you did not do to me.  I want you to treat me, and all people with the same level of respect.  That is worth thousands more than this video.  Plus if I ever met you in real life (and trust me Buddy, I actually have friends like you), I’d initially feel creeped out by your ‘new’, sly way to get women and move on to date someone who treats me like an equal, not something on a pedestal.  Go cry somewhere else, I’m moving on with my life!
     
     

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