Why Does Everyone Else Seem to Settle Down But I Can’t?


I’ve been following your blogs and newsletters off and on for a few years. I can see I could be your typical client. I’m 38, professional with a lot of blessings in life except my love life. By saying that, you will probably understand the person I’m looking for needs to be loving, responsible and desperate for love and family life.

I just got out of a 2-year relationship. It’s a very classic story, everything was great and we were well connected in many ways except that he couldn’t move forward to next level – starting a family. During the 2-year relationship, I was waiting for him for 10 months while he was in South Africa taking care of his ill father. I was there for him through the most difficult time of his life. He never committed to me. After all this, he said he still couldn’t bring himself to propose to me or start a family. I can hear your answer already :)

But it’s hard. He’s back and I moved out, not far from him. I have to admit that I still hold out some hope. He said he’s going to a counselor. He said marriage is such a huge decision and he’s afraid that he will make a mistake. He was never near to marriage to anyone before.

I’m a strong and independent woman, but when it comes to relationship and love, I have to admit I’m very vulnerable. Evan, I have been single for over a decade! When I met my ex-boyfriend, I thought this is it. I’ve been on numerous relationship programs and I like your advice best, and that you do understand women. I don’t understand why I’m single and I don’t understand why everyone else seems to settle down with someone and I can’t find the one. Thank you, Lotus

Dear Lotus,

Sorry to hear about your ex-boyfriend, his father, and your breakup. Sounds like a rough go for everyone involved. Please take a little bit of solace in the idea that you can only do the best you can do. And since you can’t change the past, the very least you can do is stop beating yourself up for the past.

Everyone has made mistakes. Everyone has gotten hurt.

Everyone has invested in the wrong relationships.

There’s nothing unusual about it. So take a deep breath and realize that you’re in a large pool of frustrated single people, okay? It’s not just you.

But if you’re going to learn anything here today, it’s not by absolving yourself of all responsibility. It’s about taking stock of how you got here and what you can do differently in the future.

All I have to go on is what little information you provided to me.

The only thing you can control is how much time you invest in low-percentage dead-end relationships…Cut such men loose fast and find a guy who is really into the marriage and kids thing.

You were in a two-year relationship with a man. One of those years he was in another country, taking care of his sick father.

This man has never been close to marriage with anyone.

This man is afraid of making a colossal mistake.

This man couldn’t see himself proposing to you or starting a family.

You are still living near him.

You are still pining for him.

You are still holding out hope that he will suddenly become a man who doesn’t have issues, who wants marriage and kids, and who wants them with you.

In other words, you’re willingly deluding yourself and wasting your late 30’s on a man who, for all of his charms, is quite obviously not going to be your future husband.

And you want to know why everyone else seems to settle down except you?

First of all, it’s not everyone else. There are plenty of 38-year-old single women, or I’d be out of business.

Second of all, 45% of the women who got married in their 20’s are going to be divorced because they married out of passion, fear, inertia or were simply too young. Don’t envy them.

But the only thing you can control is how much time you invest in low-percentage dead-end relationships. I have 100 questions sitting in front of me and probably 75% of them are just like yours – lovely women wasting time on fundamentally flawed, emotionally unavailable men, all out of “love.”

Want to get married in the next few years?

Cut such men loose fast and find a guy who is really into the marriage and kids thing.

Dating the wrong men over and over can take a toll on your confidence. Soon, you lose faith in your own decision-making, all while you’re watching your friends get happily married.

If you find that you’re starting to feel bad about yourself because you don’t have a ring on your finger, stay tuned tomorrow for a video that will instantly help you calm down when you find yourself comparing your life to your friends.

Sign up below to be notified when the video is posted on the blog.

11
5

Join 5 Million Readers

And the thousands of women I've helped find true love. Sign up for weekly updates for help understanding men.

I hate spam as much as you do, therefore I will never sell, rent, or give away your email address.

Join our conversation (6 Comments).
Click Here To Leave Your Comment Below.

Comments:

  1. 1
    From The Ground Up Coaching

    You are not everyone else. You, are you.  Most likely you are not settling down because you are devoting too much time and energy on men that are not willing, or able to give you what you want. There’s a part of this that is serving you. You need to REALLY look at the “why” of what you want and make sure it is in complete alignment with how you feel. Hugs.
    Kristin 

  2. 2
    Jmanga

    Evan:
    u nailed it! especially the bit on friends who married in their 20′s most facing divorce. Just had a man begging court to ask his wife to reconcile after abandoning her and 4 kids since 2010. Court said sorry obvious both parties married young but wife has cut her losses and can no longer sustain untenable situation of lack of love and respect.
    you’re stI’ll attached “moved close; holding out hope”! You need to release him, say, – I forgive and release you to the Holy Spirit,” if he’s yours the universe will magically make it happen. But the universe can’t sustain such a relationship wherein u r already starting to feel resentful I.e invested so much!  

  3. 3
    Katt

    Lotus, ask yourself why you want a man who doesn’t want you. He has made it clear that he’s not going to propose marriage, so why are you still hanging around waiting for him to change his mind, he won’t.
    I know you have invested 2 years in this man and spent 1 year being supportive while he was looking after his father but unfortunately he’s not reciprocating your feelings and needs in moving towards a committed relationship that involves marriage. 
    Scrape up some pride and self esteem and let this guy go as the longer you keep chasing him the less chance you have that he will ever change his mind as no one likes to be forced into doing something against their will. I can only suggest giving him some breathing  space and leave him to work out what HE wants, it’s not all about you. 
    Evan is 100% right in saying women don’t get rid of go nowhere guys and relationships quickly enough. He’s also 100% right in saying that a man who is really into you will lock you down within 6-8 weeks. I know this is true because it’s happened to me exactly as Evan says it does with guys who are interested and who do like you lots. 
    Find a man who adores you.

  4. 4
    morgan

    Can I suggest you read some of Steven Carter & Julia Sokol’s books e.g. He’s Scared, She’s Scared, Getting to Commitment?
    They give great insight into how we play out our own issues with intimacy in the choices we make about relationships. 
    Their writing helped me understand that I played out my own commitment phobia passively – by committing myself emotionally to people who weren’t available to have a real, intimate relationship.  I suspect you might be doing similar.

  5. 5
    Marie

    Yes, Lotus, there is something wrong with you.  You are the only common denominator of your relationships.  At this late stage in your life, if you still cannot sustain a relationship leading to the commitment that you want, you need to re-evaluate and fix your approach.  Maybe it’s because you pick the wrong men, maybe you continue to hang onto emotionally unavailable men, maybe you are not applying dating knowledge correctly, who knows what it is but the sooner you fix it the closer you will get to your goal. Stop opining, go get a coach, go do some soul searching, forget about this guy and go date better.  Good luck.

  6. 6
    Leslie

    This is my story if you replace the sick father with a PHD.

     In other words, you’re willingly deluding yourself and wasting your late 30’s on a man who, for all of his charms, is quite obviously not going to be your future husband.

    Dating the wrong men over and over can take a toll on your confidence. Soon, you lose faith in your own decision-making, all while you’re watching your friends get happily married.

    Thank you!
     

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>