I Think I’m Hot But My Boyfriend Doesn’t Seem to Think So

Evan, I want an honest opinion on my predicament. I am in a year-long relationship and my boyfriend is a wonderful man. We have a strong connection and share a lot of values, views and interests. We’re getting pretty serious but there’s something that is eating me up inside. I think my boyfriend doesn’t think I am hot!

Being 5’5″ and 115lbs and measuring 34-26-35.5”, I always assumed that I was in the same league as a lot of celebrities who boast similar bodies. Granted, I am a little heavier towards my hips and have a bit wider frame but does 1″ really make a lot of difference here? Well, yes, according to my dear b/f. He basically told me that I can’t even compare myself to an actress or other celebrities (this ridiculous conversation started while watching TV and making comments about some actress). To him, I am “good looking” and “pretty” but, say, Angelina Jolie is “hot”, and “beautiful” and I am well… a regular person so I am not, how could I possibly be? He “likes me and finds me attractive”, but by no means am I nearly as good looking as a movie star, and I am crazy to be even comparing myself to them. That was the essence of the conversation. Of course, I felt hurt and I had a few “nice” things to say to him in response – as in “look who’s talking” kind of things and this conversation went downhill right away.

Now, am I crazy to be upset about this outlook of his? Men I dated in the past were (or at least acted the part) infatuated by me. I am used to hearing how beautiful I am. Men turn heads when I walk down the street. While I am totally OK with the idea that somebody doesn’t find me the most beautiful woman on the planet, which a lot of people probably don’t, I am somehow not OK with that person being my boyfriend! I mean, if he was truly into me, wouldn’t I be to him more beautiful than all Hollywood celebrities combined? Wouldn’t he be saying things like “honey, Angelina Jolie got nothing on you”? What happens if I gain weight with age – do I go from being “pretty” to “ugly, but I love you anyway because we have 2 kids and a mortgage and divorcing you is too damn expensive”? Am I being insecure and shallow for zooming in on this issue when everything else is fine, or have I got a legitimate concern? Is recognizing that your girlfriend is not ranking at the top of your scale in terms of looks but is the best “package” you can get in terms of looks-personality-values-etc. a sign of a mature man, or a sign of a man who’s not really in love? And most importantly, is this a deal breaker? –Diana.

Love. This. Question.

It’s a microcosm of every misinterpretation in every relationship ever.

And before I answer it, I want to share with you a story.

It was a tale from a linguistics professor in college who explained to the class that, in studies, men tend to be much more direct in their language. Women are subtle.

We can see this in many forms of personal interaction.

Because women are so kind and supportive, they don’t always speak their minds. They obscure the truth to be sensitive, but fail to communicate their true feelings.

Women are sensitive to each others’ needs. Men are blunt.

Women pick up on details. “What was he wearing? How did he kiss you? Where were you at the time?” Men just want to cut to the chase. “What’s the point?”

Women are supportive of their friends. “No, you don’t look fat in those jeans.”
Men cut their buddies down. “Dude, you gained, like twenty pounds!”

In fact, suffice to say, women are largely better and more sensitive communicators and men should really learn take a page out of women’s emotional playbooks.

Except for this one thing…

Because women are so kind and supportive, they don’t always speak their minds. They obscure the truth to be sensitive, but fail to communicate their true feelings.

My linguistics professor used an example of how a typical man and a typical woman would respond to being stuck in a hot classroom.

The man would say, “It’s hot in here! Open the window!”

The woman would turn to her friend and say, “Do you think it’s hot in here?”

The man issues a command. The woman tries to build consensus, but she doesn’t come out directly and say what she really wants: open the goddamn window!

I’m not going to get into some debate about whether this is 100% accurate, because it’s not. Not all men are direct. Not all women are subtle and nuanced.

But the reason I’m sharing this, in reference to your situation, Diana, is that the most interesting thing about women’s linguistics patterns can be summed up in one line:

Men say what they mean. Women don’t.

Thus, women are often surprised when men say what they mean.

You asked your boyfriend a question.

He gave you an honest answer. You seem shocked that he would do so.

Women are always asking for “honest” men, and then, when you finally get one, you would prefer if he told you something untrue.

I’d be shocked if he told you otherwise. His answer would be the exact same answer I would give to my wife. The difference is that:

a) My wife would never ask me to compare her to Angelina Jolie. She’s not that insecure.
b) My wife would not be surprised at my response, which is that she’s no Angelina Jolie.
c) My wife would not take it personally that I told her the truth, because she knows she’s no Angelina Jolie.

So what’s really going on, Diana, is that you wanted your boyfriend to LIE to you.

You didn’t want the truth. You wanted praise.

Even if it meant that he lied right to your face.

Ironic, isn’t it?

Women are always asking for “honest” men, and then, when you finally get one, you would prefer if he told you something untrue.

You basically set yourself up for failure on a couple of levels.

    • You expected your boyfriend to be “infatuated” with you because other men have been. Sorry, sweetie. Infatuation is soooo high school.

    • You insulted your boyfriend’s looks because he didn’t lie and tell you were as attractive as one of the most attractive women on the planet. Catty much?

    • You actually feel that that a man who is truly into you would think you are more beautiful than all of the Hollywood celebrities combined? Really?

How much self-delusion do you have to have to say such things?

I mean, let’s just take it to the extreme:

A man with average looks, average intelligence and an average job gets pissed at his girlfriend who doesn’t think he’s the love child of Brad Pitt and Steve Jobs.

Note: the girlfriend didn’t say he’s “average”. She just said he’s not perfect.

Should he be upset? I sure don’t think so.

Obviously, she loves him – that’s why she’s his girlfriend.

But if you compare ANY man to the most impressive person in his/her field, ALL them are going to compare unfavorably.

So, to answer your question:

Are you being insecure and shallow for zooming in on this issue when everything else is fine, or have you got a legitimate concern? Is your boyfriend recognizing that you may not be at the very top of his scale in terms of looks but are the best “package” he can get in terms of looks-personality-values-etc? Is this a sign of a mature man, or a sign of a man who’s not really in love? And most importantly, is this a deal breaker?

I would only say this…

You’re spot on in assessing your boyfriend’s maturity. Well done.

The real question is whether it’s a deal breaker for HIM to stay with a woman who has such a hard time hearing the truth.

I’ve dated such women and personally, I would rather date a 7 who can accept reality than a 10 who expects me to lie to her.

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Comments:

  1. 301
    Julie

    Evan – I am really surprised at the insensitivity you’ve shown this lady. If you read chapter 7 of the book “For Men Only” by Shaunti and Jeff Feldhahn, maybe you would be a little more understanding of where this lady’s feelings are coming from. Just because a woman has the need to be the most beautiful woman in the world to her man does not mean that she is necessarily insecure.  Everyone has their own set of emotional needs and  should not be judged or criticized for them. It is very common for a woman to have this need.

  2. 302
    Tlynnsmith

    It’s one thing to not expect your man to find other women as physically attractive/more attractive. It’s another to have your man make the EXTRA effort of pointing out that you’re not as beautiful as some other woman/women, and questioning your ability to think rationally because you had the audacity to think you were.  I wouldn’t ask my man if I was as pretty as Halle Berry, because I know I’m not AND I know my value isn’t based on how I measure up to other women. But I also know that if I had access to the same resources celebrities have, I would be considered prettier. Hollywood “beauty” is often an illusion, and both men and women need to take a trip by reality. That’s why when these celebrity women are seen “in the wild”, without the benefit of Sam Fine’s makeup and Photoshop, they’re quite ordinary – INCLUDING Angelina.
    But if I did ask my man that type of question, I would expect him to say something like, “It really doesn’t matter. I’m with you, and I’m happy so there’s really no need to answer that, so I won’t”. Not, “Hell no…matter of fact, what made you even take the time to formulate that question??? You’re not even in the same league!!!” What would be the point? So, regardless of the fact that she wasn’t ready for the “truth” as he saw it, he still gets the “jerk” label, because it wasn’t necessary for him to go in like he did.
    We can keep it real, but we can also leave our partner with a measure of confidence – done out of a spirit of love and kindness, not the need to “tell it like it is”. It’s usually not what you say, but how you say it.  A kind man is more desirable that one who feels the need to be brutally honest, in a situation that doesn’t really require that hard of a hammer.
    With that said, this woman needs a reality check. The whole, “I’m used to being told I’m beautiful…” mindset is the problem, despite her words to the contrary.  Too many women have internalized the concept that women are most valuable when they’re beautiful – ain’t much else to us. That’s a problem, because “hot” women don’t have easier relationships – especially if their physical beauty is their only asset. Just because a man thinks you’re “hot” doesn’t mean he’s committed to you.  Being beautiful doesn’t promise quality, affirming, loving relationships. A lot of women (and men) can’t grasp this.
     

  3. 303
    Melissa

    I read the 5 love languages and it is an eye opener. The OP primarity love language most likely is word of affirmation. I am making this judgement from her response. I dont feel its insecurity its just how she felts love.  The point to relationship is to feel and share love. I see her side. My love language is time. No matter how great he maybe if I dont get that from him I am out because I dont feel loved. The challenge is to communicate that to our partner as well as know their love language. 

  4. 304
    Holly

    Looks really aren’t everything. I was in love with a man who said I was the prettiest girl he dated and the best girlfriend he ever has but he left me because he was commitment phobic and there’s nothing I can do to change this. I don’t think a man or woman can think one person is the best looking the world because there are so many attractive people. And even if someone is attractive, some personality flaws could really kill the attraction. If a man treats you well, compliments you, is faithful to you and thinks very highly of you, then you are the most beautiful woman in the world to him because he wouldn’t do it for anyone else – you’re just more beautiful to him beyond looks which people can grow tired of.  

  5. 305
    Lo

    Evan I agree mostly with what you’re saying, but when it comes to relationships, it seems counter intuitive that the male way should always be the right way. I have something to add. When women ask, do you think I’m as attractive as Angelina – it’s because they know they probably aren’t, nor as OP said, do they feel the need to be. That type of question is an immature way of going about it, but I think the boyfriend should make attempts to recognize what she is really asking for. It’s clearly an unnatural question to ask and if her boyfriend knows she has certain insecurities and sensitivities he should recognize that she is only asking for more love and support while she is feeling momentarily unsure of herself. She wants to FEEL she is the most important to him. That her needs come first. Her boyfriend failed to understand how important this was to her. Like you said, men and women have different communication styles, and regardless of gender, you need to learn to communicate with your partner, both ways. She did not hurt him by asking that question, so it was not necessarily wrong, he needed to understand she is feeling unloved when she asks such a question and did not have the tools to know how to ask for more. How often do we have those tools when we ourselves truly feel unloved? Relationships are about learning to gently bend to eachother and learn each others languages this way – it is the only way we grow. Evans answer seems more along the lines of, he should find someone more direct and she should find someone more sensitive. Useless if you ask me, it’s about growth and adaptation. You forget the importance of compassion and empathy.

    1. 305.1
      JoeK

      “She wants to FEEL she is the most important to him. That her needs come first. Her boyfriend failed to understand how important this was to her.”


       
      Hahahah…if that’s what she wanted to communicate, then use those words.
       
      Men arent mind readers – expecting your BF/husband to be one will just result in unhappiness for you both.
       
      Here’s the same scenario, woman A says “I’m feeling a bit disconnected from you lately, would you mind if we just cuddled on the couch for a while?” and woman B says “Is Angelina prettier than me?”
       
      Which approach do you think will be more effective?
       

      1. 305.1.1
        EmeraldDust

        I know there are prettier women than me out there, and I dont’ expect that fact to escape any future relationship partner I might have in the future.  But if he knows there prettier women out there, and freely comes home to me, than that will be just fine by me.

  6. 306
    Jo

    This reminds me of the guy I’m dating except id take him telling me Angelina Jolie is hotter anyday over what he actually said. Obviously I would never ask him this question. I remember showing him a picture of a pretty girl the same ethnicity as me and asking him isn’t she pretty? he then tells me she is prettier than me, which I DIDNT ASK, followed by but she looks fake with a looong pause between those statements. Is this justified too or is he trying to ruin my self esteem. Also, when I mentioned that guys check me out or anything about my looks he just gives me a scoff, as if too say I’m not anything or just making it up. 

  7. 307
    HappyGirl

    I see things from both sides of the spectrum.  Diana admits that she was wanting a response to her comment/question – which is insecure and immature, but sometimes some people need validation or the like, alright I guess.  Not one of those people, but I know some.  The boyfriend was honest, kudos…but he should’ve checked his wording BIG TIME.  Be kind.  That’s not a male vs. female thing…it’s a human thing.  Take a second, think about your response, and BE KIND.
    I made a comment about Cindy Crawford saying, “I hope I look that good when I’m her age!  I mean, I’d have to be that good looking now, but you know what I mean.  Age SUPER gracefully,” and then I laughed.  I wasn’t fishing for a compliment, I said exactly what I meant.  I think I’m very pretty!  My boyfriend responded the MOST PERFECT way possible…I believe he was 100% honest with me.  He said, “you are beautiful, babe…no way you could not be…at any age.”
    Yeah, he’s that guy – the best kind.  He didn’t say she or I was better looking (to me, she is), or anything like that.  He told me how he feels about ME.  NO comparison.  And I wasn’t even looking for a response at all.  THAT is a REAL MAN.  THAT is being KIND.  I know I’m nice looking with or without him saying so, but he did…and he does.  And he means it.  I think every good woman should have a boyfriend like mine.
    To me, it sounds like there’s a more going on here that we’re hearing about.  Unless it’s a therapy session, Diana needs to take ALL advice with a grain of salt unless from a mental health professional who knows their story.

  8. 308
    Anthony Migchels

    “Because women are so kind and supportive,” hahahahahahaha :-) 
    Next you explain men are so honest? 😉

    Women don’t communicate better at all. They talk a lot, but that’s something different entirely. Communication is 99% listening and women are notorious bad listeners, especially when things concern themselves.

    Women are less autonomous and they therefore need other people more than men do. That’s why try to connect a lot. Also,  they’re more emotional. They’re more busy creating emotional vibes and this can be both positive and incredibly negative, as most married men will agree.

    A man must learn that a woman is usually communicating emotions. Men listen to what they say, but usually what they say is irrelevant. What matters is what her words make him feel. And what these words make him feel is what she’s feeling and that’s what he should be responding to, not so much to what she’s saying. 

    1. 308.1
      starthrower68

      Women AND men should be kind because it’s the right thing to do. Most of the time doing right is the only reward we get from doing right.

  9. 309
    Joe K. Skonue

    Diana is 9% below a scientifically measured BMI that men find ideal. Diana’s BMI: 19.1. Ideal BMI for Hottest Female: 20.83.

    As for Angelina Jolie, she’s not much of a looker in real life, sans high-powered lights, expensive cameras and loads of features-manipulating make-up. Do you doubt this true? http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-Ejx13iEQdwU/Tng-K86S8II/AAAAAAAAAEY/nCi95zBaq4I/s1600/Angelina+jolie+without+makeup+2011+1.jpg

    Far too many have been suckered by the magic of Hollywood. It’s all cameras, lighting and make-up on 2d material.

    Most real-life, not famous females who guys find good-looking are far prettier than celebrity females. 

    We don’t know the degree of symmetry in Diana’s face or her body. We don’t know if her BF likes Diana’s special scent. We don’t know how well he, um, fits in her. We don’t know if Diana has the right degree of aggressiveness and urge frequency when it comes to sex for her BF.

    There are many unspoken factors guys use to gauge the staying power of their mates. 

    Evan Katz would like to make it about what people say to each other, because that is what he sells, better communication for women. But it has little to do with that. It’s what couples don’t say, but rather think and hope to get, which is what counts, both with respect to each other, as well as how peer-driven they are. 

    Self-indulgent conformists like having the best mates they can fetch both to gain acceptance among a group as well as to elevate status in that group.

    Good luck!

     

  10. 310
    Jenny Ravelo

    Honesty is good, but only to the extent it’s necessary. Being honest about a person’s looks isn’t.  Most people cannot feel comfortable with someone that thinks they’re not attractive enough. Men try (and women) try to get the best they can and we know this instinctively, when someone says “you’re cute but not as beautiful as some other women” is undterstood as “i would prefer someone else, but you’re the best I can have”. We already know if we’re beautiful or not and yes, it’s not rational, but we don’t want to hear anything bad about our appearance.

    On the other hand, the OP seems to be insecure. A confident person doesn’t pay as much attention at the men infatuated with her or wants her boyfriend to compare her to stars.

    Comparing onself with celebs is worthless for one reason: celebs have the celeb status, so no matter if we have a better figure or face, we’ll be judged as inferior when it comes to them. 

  11. 311
    Caroline

    Evan, I think your response was ludicrous. If a girl is dating someone, he should obviously praise her for her qualities and looks. The girl with this question is probably beautiful, as are all women. Men need to cut the shit and stop expecting women to all look like Angelina Jolie. If my boyfriend of a year said that to me, I would dump his ass. Find someone who thinks you are beautiful for who you are and if they don’t think you are, they are not worth your time.

    1. 311.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      Actually, the ludicrous part is asking if you’re hotter than Angelina Jolie. But thanks for your constructive feedback. A man can find his girlfriend beautiful without having to offer such over-the-top lavish praise. Reality is a beautiful thing. Embrace it.

    2. 311.2
      JoeK

      Here’s the thing – I’ve had women ask me such nonsensical questions, and in my less-experienced days answered them in less-than-stellar ways.
       
      In later years, when I heard such questions I’d give a BS answer to avoid the argument/hurt feelings, and then planned my exit (if we hadn’t been dating long). It’s a huge red flag for insecurity and immaturity, which she’ll hang on me eventually for “saying the wrong thing” according to some unpublished memo in her head. I’m not waiting around for that kind of nonsense.
       
      Today I’d just answer “I’m not having this conversation – nothing good can come of it” and mean it.

      1. 311.2.1
        Lady

        She brought it up to her bf because she could sense his indifference to her in an area that she had received such commendation with previous lovers, etc. If he had that frisky gleam in his eye, the one that lets you he wants YOU real bad, she probably would not feel the need for reassurance. The less objectively hot I know I am, the better I feel about myself, ironically. It takes maturity on both parts to be sensitive to male and female egos and not say stuff that permanently damages a relationship. I have said things to men that I know they never forgot because there was a turning point in the relationship once I said those things. Usually it was being insensitive to their masculinity or virility. In fact it was the same kind of stuff that her husband said to her. One guy that I was with for many years had an impotency problem and let me think it was me rather than to admit he couldn’t do it. I know exactly what I said to scare him. It was stupid and early on, about what a turn off it is when a guy can’t, well, you know. I saw the deer in the headlights look, and that was it. He kept me at “friend” distance, while not letting me go. Said he was only “partially attracted to me.” When I saw some of his old flames, they were much older than me and obese. I was perplexed until I figured out there was nothing wrong with me because of other men’s attention.

        Guys egos are as fragile as ours.

        Go ahead. Beat me up. I can take it. 

  12. 312
    Carly

    I disagree with Evan and agree with the woman who feels her boyfriend is just not that into her. Most all women want their men to think they are beautiful and hot. They don’t expect to be the most beautiful woman in the world, just that the man they are sleeping with finds them beautiful and sexy. This guy clearly does not make her feel that way. He is either playing with her mind or is not that into her. Either way, it is not a good sign. The only woman that would accept the word “attractive ” is a very unattractive woman. 

  13. 313
    Molly

    I don’t know how old this thread is (why aren’t there dates?), but I’ve read a few comments and I think there is a misunderstanding between men and women when it comes to beauty.  Women have been told from birth that our looks are, beyond everything, the most important thing in cultivating and preserving.  Through tv, magazines, movies, advertisements, etc. etc, we are only worthy if we are beautiful.  We will only be loved if our man thinks we are the hottest thing in the world.  Can you really blame this girl for feeling insecure?  I can’t.  To equate her boyfriend’s opinion of Angelina’s beauty to, say, your girlfriend thinking George Clooney is hotter than you, is very unfair.  Looks are not a very important trait to women when it comes to mating and forming relationships.  Essentially, it would be like your girlfriend telling you that you don’t work hard enough, that you are, in her eyes, not as charming as George; basically, that you’re a loser in comparison to George Clooney.  Even that isn’t really a good comparison, considering that there are a number of qualities in men that women look for, where women seem to be discarded if not up to a certain level of attractiveness.

    I realize that men think there is more to women than looks, but I hear men all the time talk about how they would date so and so just because she’s hot.  They never mention other qualities, such as intelligence, wit, humor, etc.  It’s usually just based on looks.  So, ultimately, women are convinced that this is all that matters.

    It’s easy for women to get wrapped up in our looks and how others perceive us.  It wouldn’t have hurt for him to tell her that in his eyes she is the most beautiful girl in the world.  It would make her feel cherished and at ease, if anything.   

    1. 313.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      You’re right. It wouldn’t have hurt for him to say that. And yet the easier thing for her to do is not ask stupid questions based on foolish insecurities where she doesn’t want the real answer.

  14. 314
    Joe

    Is he more attractive physically than some movie star, zac efron or whatever the ladies love nowadays? No? Then shut up.  Seriously.  He’d probably say you’re the most beautiful woman in the world if you’d call him the most beautiful man.  

     

  15. 315
    Autumn

    She should feel very lucky that he loves her enough to only tell her that when she asks. I dated a guy that told me I had to look like jessica alba. He made me go tanning grow my hair out, and dress like her. Then I was married to a man who constantly told me I needed to lose waight, I didn’t know how to put on makeup (I’m a very accomplish mary kay consultant and makeup artist btw), made me go on a dite, exercise, told me how to dress, and had to approve my hairstyle before I got it cut. If one thing was wrong he told me how unattractive I looked to him. He was also so jealous of other men I couldn’t even have a crush on a movie star. I constantly had to praise him and tell him he was the most amazing man and lover I had ever had. But he had the nerve to tell Me that for him it was all visual and because I went from a size zero to a size 3 over a years time he wasn’t turned on by me anymore. So this chick needs to slow her roll and chill out. Quit being so insecure. I’m now happy divorced and with a man that shares his movie star crushes with me and I share mine with him. We both know it’s unrealistic to think we will ever run into them and had a passionate one night stand where a beautiful perfect love child will be made. Plz. He showed me I’m beautiful all the time. I know there are other women out there who make me look like a 2 standing next to a 10 but I’m the woman he undresses every night and makes love to, my lips are the ones he kisses when he comes home from work. I have no worries. And he actually gets excited when I gain a little wait lol. And yes I have days when I am insecure and selfish and I tell him flat out “tell me I’m prettier than Emma Stone I had a bad day” and to make me smile that’s what he does. But I told him ahead of time “I know I’m not movie stare sexy but I’m going to have days when that how I need you to make me feel and when those days come lie to me and Mae me believe it.” And he does. We talk things out and communicate. That’s what needs to happen here.

  16. 316
    Melody

    @diana I’ve always thought that a man should be with me because there’s no one else in the world with whom he would rather be…..
    Let’s assume Evan is right and your boyfriend was just being honest. Well, he not only sounds uncaring for your feelings but he’s not polite…. A man in love would make sure you felt there’s no one else like you regardless of other women’s attractiveness.

  17. 317
    xaxa

    Beauty comes from the inside. We are all beautiful at the deepest level. If someone can’t see the beauty within you, you feel sad not to be ‘seen’. Comparing to a celebrity is about outer beauty as we don’t know Angelina Jolie, sure she has inner beauty like all humans. I think the basic argument here is about romance v logic, or at least for me, that would be what it is. Are there any male romantics or are they gay? Think of a poet telling his love about her beauty, comparing her to nature…something romantic. I don’t know, I’m not putting this very well. I am going out with a man who never tells me how he feels about me, or gives a single compliment. I think its because he’s a very logical/rational/scientific person.If you know personality typing he’s an INTP. LOGIC/HEAD not heart. I think there are some men who are more heart-centred, but I might be dreaming. Neil Young?! ha ha. I think the kind, loving answer is always ‘but you are beautiful to me’. Who cares about being cold and logical just to prove how ‘honest’ you are – more like ‘lacking in imagination/love/kindness’. We aren’t robots, we are spiritual beings. It’s not about being ‘a movie star’ it’s just about being loved and in that way, on a good day, or in a special moment, seen as ‘beautiful’ as a person and connected with emotionally. Can men actually not connect with emotion? I am told I’m beautiful by other people (ok mostly my mother 😉 but also others, men and friends on occasion) but never my bf and it does hurt, because it makes me anxious about whether he loves me. That’s another story and my problem (hence why I looked up this thread). I think a man insisting on logic even while that means hurting his girlfriend/wife is being petty. It would be more manly to rise to the occasion to say something loving and warm hearted.

  18. 318
    Nathan

    Oh wow. That is such an awesome response. Chick is clearly delusional and you spelled it out for her perfectly.
    Of course, she won’t take on board because accepting reality is hard for chicks. But great reply all the same

    1. 318.1
      Andrea

      First of all. Women are girls are not be referred to as chicks, Bit#es, etc. And not it’s not delusional. I have seen women that are not famous or rich that are way better looking than famous women. If you are smart you would realize that famous some famous women look like average women without the make-up, hair-extension and cosmetic procedures. Only young people would believe that famous women are the best looking our there. I can put myself as an example. I got out there without a pinch of make up on, and I have both and women hitting on me. I have seen pictures of celebrities without make-up, and I am like oh God, I am glad that I still look beautiful without a mask on my face. You are very delusional yourself.

  19. 319
    amanda

    There is something wrong with a man that does not make his gf feel attractive.  Everybody keeps saying that it sounds as if the woman who wrote this article seems insecure.  So what if she is, we all have insecurities.  It is unhealthy for a man to not treat his woman like she is attractive.  If a man doesn’t find a woman attractive he probably shouldn’t be with her.  Women are wired a certain way and men know it, unless their really dumb.  In the same way women know how men are wired.  A woman needs to be told she’s beautiful.

    1. 319.1
      Noemi

      Well said, Amanda. The OP may be insecure, but there is NEVER an excuse for her boyfriend to act like a goon. 

  20. 320
    Carly

    Has anyone googled Evan and his wife? The fact he is telling her that she is no Angelina Jolie is funny, given she is stunning, the match of any Hollywood actress. If you’re adamant about honesty, Evan, why would you be downplaying your own wife’s looks? Maybe because that lowers her self esteem to the point of staying with someone with average looks, like yourself? 

    Someone came to you for help, and you attacked her, saying that she could not be more insecure, which was an incorrect, exaggerated statement intended to hurt her feelings….not sure what you expected to accomplish with that? Rather than be constructive, and tell her to go back and try having an open conversation with her boyfriend, you were insulting and rude to her.  

    Maybe questioning what benefit she gets from other men thinking she’s “hot”, which she is not getting from her boyfriend only thinking she’s “cute”, would have been a good place to start? If she is in fact “hot”, and her boyfriend only thinks she’s “cute”, then maybe her boyfriend is employing the same tactic that you are with your wife, in trying to convince her she’s less attractive than she really is so that she stays with him.

    1. 320.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      Wow. You made up a whole story there, didn’t you, Carly?

      a) I am a truth teller. I’m constitutionally incapable of lying. So one can assail my tact from time to time, but not my integrity.

      b) The thought that I try to lower my wife’s self-esteem is nothing short of laughable. We are both very happy and anything that you are assuming and inferring to try to make me look bad, well, hey, whatever gets you through the night.

      c) I didn’t say my wife wasn’t attractive. Yes, you can Google her, and determine for yourself. The only thing I said (and, for what it’s worth, I never said this to my wife, because she’s not so insecure to ask) was that she wasn’t as attractive as debatably the hottest celebrity around. If your relationship can’t survive that level of honesty, I have pity for you. I don’t presume for a second that I’m the hottest guy my wife has ever dated, but really, what difference does it make? We’ve been together for 8 years. Should I be threatened the fact that I am “average”, as you say? Well, I’m not threatened. I know what I have to offer and it doesn’t occur to me that my wife can do better – and that includes dating hotter and richer guys. That’s called self-esteem, by the way. I spend a total of ZERO hours comparing myself to other men, my wife spends a total of ZERO hours comparing herself to other women, and neither of us would get remotely upset if we were to learn that there are, in fact, more attractive people on the planet. We chose each other. Who cares if other people are hotter?

      d) Moral of the story – you can make up all the theories in the world about what’s happening in my marriage, but the only two people whose opinions matter are my wife and I. As for you, dear Carly, good luck in relationships. You’re going to need it, given your need to criticize strangers on the internet, come up with unfounded theories about others’ love lives, and your deep seated fear of the truth (that you’re not the most attractive person on the planet). Reality can be a bitch when you fight it as much as you seem to.

  21. 321
    Samantha

    I honestly have to question the man in this situation. I wonder, like some men,
     might he feel slightly intimidated by his girlfriend? Does he know that his girlfriend has been with men a bit more handsome? 

    i am wondering this, because I once dated a guy who I thought was very cute. He would compliment me and tell me I was “out of his league” woulda would just smile and say “nah” and give him a kiss. One day, an ex messages me on faceboo. (the ex did not know I was in a relationship). I showed my current boyfriend the message. He looked at My ex’s photo and started calling him a redneck and a douchebag. I was very taken aback. I said “lol, he may be a douche, but he’s not really a redneck”. My boyfriend changed the convo. after that, I noticed a huge change in his behavior. He stopped telling me I was beautiful, stopped complimenting my “goodies” lol. Instead, he would tell me how hot certain females were. His change in behavior was very odd. I felt as if he was doing it on purpose, after he saw my ex unfortinnately is very attractive, in a “jock” type of way. 
     
     Anyway, I guess my point is- men have insecurities as well. Sometimes men DO stop complimenting their girlfriends or change behavior if they feel inferior. Men have egos about their appearance as well. 

    1. 321.1
      Girl

      WOW! That is crazy and I had something very similar happen to me! That is definitely a good point to bring up. Sometimes they feel intimidated and they don’t want us to feel like we are too good for them or can get someone better than them. It’s like they get scared of doing anything to avoid putting it in our heads that we can get someone better and more attractive than them. 

  22. 322
    Girl

    By her description she gave of herself she definitely is not in the league of celebrities. She’s shorter and chubbier.  so even though she isn’t hot, her boyfriend should have at least cared a little more about her feelings. And it really is depressing that he says his wife is a 7, and that she’s okay feeling mediocre and second rate. Very depressing. I don’t think guys understand how much looks matter to us. We want to know we are beautiful. No none of us will be the most beautiful girl in the world but we want them to think we are gorgeous and that’s all that matters. No one wants to feel “okay enough” or average, because I’m sure they don’t see their boyfriend as “okay” and just someone they’re with out of desperation. 

    1. 322.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      My wife – who is modelling the 20+ Christmas gifts she just received from me right now – certainly doesn’t feel mediocre or second rate. She feels safe, secure, loved, cherished, and idolized. Giving someone a numerical rating on looks alone doesn’t begin to express the measure of a person or a relationship. Whether you agree or not is irrelevant. I would probably score myself as a 7 as well; that doesn’t mean I think I’m ugly. It means that there are no shortage of men who are taller, more symmetrical, and fitter than I am. Then again, there are no shortage of men who are shorter, less conventionally handsome, and less in shape. I really don’t understand your insecurity that you can’t see the world as it is, instead of hoping that your boyfriend is either delusional or a liar.

      1. 322.1.1
        Lady

        I just started to post something and lost it. I hope it doesn’t show up somewhere half written. Anyway, I forgot to mention in an earlier post that if Evan thinks his wife is a 7, and she is beautiful, celebrity material, then of course she isn’t going to be upset by that. People of that caliber are in a different league. An ex once told me that he and I were both not very smart, I was very hurt by that. I though he was saying we were below 70 I.Q. or something. Then I probed a little and found out he meant compared to Einstein, and I was like–oh well, compared to HIM we’re probably not very smart. Christy Brinkley is a 10 for someone around my age. If someone said I was a 7 compared to her, or even a 5, I would be thrilled. The bf is not giving her the reassurance she needs. There is nothing wrong with her needing what she does, nor his needing not to give it to her. They are incompatible on a most basic level. I would never ask my man to compare me, and he never makes me feel that nagging feeling that he doesn’t think I’m that special. Some guys make you feel that way, and if it bothers you. Find another one.

  23. 323
    sarah

    I found this extremely blunt, a little bit rude, harsh, and biased. You basically still stereotyped women. I’m a woman and I say what I mean in direct terms but you can’t just chop it like what her boyfriend did honestly if you really love someone they may not be as attractive as Angelina Jolie but you need to reaffirm that you do love them way more than you’d ever love Angelina because she is the whole package and yoy still find her beautiful but going as far to say she’s not beautiful but cute? That was an ass move in my opinion. I know I’m gonna get a lot of hate but women are already so insecure nowadays due to media and sexism and everything else that goes on, is it too much to ask that the boyfriend exaggerates the truth a little bit? 

  24. 324
    sal

    in response to the concerns expressed in the original comment i would say this:beauty, whether we agree it should be or not, is and always has been, an instrument of power. Men have gone to war over beauty and possession of beauty. we are hard wired to appreciate it, however subjective.
    I would wonder if the hesitant boyfriend would actually hold back in his praise of his girlfriends looks, not because she’s not truly beautiful but because, he would be handing her a power she might wield as beautiful women have always done. i dont think he dare take the risk, and therefore, the argument as to how beautiful she really is, does not matter, as it is subjective anyway. 
    i suspect the boyfriend feels safer knowing his girlfriend needs something from him he is withholding. if he cant admit to loving a beautiful woman for fear of her knowing it, then he is a coward of the lowest order and his slipshod comments are pitiful. he should go and see the wizard of oz and ask for some courage so he can tell her how beautiful she is and take the chance that this beautiful woman will still find him worthy enough to be with. the world is full of cowards, one shouldn’t tolerate them. 

    1. 324.1
      Lady

      Sal, you absolutely get it. I agree. I have been in 29 years of committed relationships, so you can gather that I am no youngster; however, I feel sexier than I did in my prime and I had an excellent body and still do for my age, AND I am very photogenic. The pictures from 20+ years ago are as beautiful as some celebrities, but no one thought so at the time. I was pretty much invisible and passed over by guys that I found attractive (except for the few I committed to, obviously). I was literally shocked when in high school, the boys were picking good looking girls for some kind of team thing. I was shy and quite, but very aware that I looked good because I looked in the mirror everyday and had received compliments on my figure from time to time from women and men, stating that I had the “perfect” figure. Much to my surprise and devastation, I was the only girl left on the field. I was 16, and it was a defining moment for me. I married three times. The first marriage was my highschool sweetheart, who appeared to desire me as a sexy girl until we got married. Then instantaneously, I became his “wife,” and the passion ended. When I was his girlfriend, he bought me sexy dresses, but the first birthday present after our marriage, he bought me some sort of ugly work/house dress. I was 18 years old and over the hill, yet I cared about my looks. It wasn’t like I let myself go. I received attention from other men, which boosted my ego; my sex life with my husband was miserable because I never wanted to. He would say stuff to me about not hanging out with attractive girlfriends because “they” would attract guys. The marriage ended when a friend of my husband got a crush on me (that was the catalyst). Once free, however, the friend lost interest in me (a case of finding me hot, but not wanting to be with me). We never slept together, but made out once after I was separated from my husband. The two remained friends. My husband suspected, but I never admitted anything was going on (because it literally wasn’t) or that I had feelings for his friend. To this day, I am in touch with both (rarely, on facebook). They have remained friends through the years. When that boy lost interest in me, I suffered a nervous breakdown, became suicidal and ended up in the hospital. I then had a college boyfriend who told me I was hot and ugly intermittantly (as did my first boyfriend that I had lost my virginity to at 14, he was 17 and he dumped me immediately after telling me he loved me so that I would have sex with him. I was 14 and received no sympathy from anyone I told, I was devastated. That was before meeting my highschool sweetheart whom I married and just described before I diverged. Anyway, when I left my husband and found my college boyfriend, he told me that I had a beautiful body, and though he called me ugly, he never criticized my body because he claimed there was nothing to say–it was perfect. He would also say that I wasn’t really ugly, but I wasn’t perfect so when he was calling me ugly, that is just how I looked to him at the moment and he was just being honest. He also said that he was with me because I was fun and had an incredible body, but that he would never marry me because he did not care about those things when it came to wife material. He literally told me this, but I did not believe him. I could not believe he would be taking me out on dates and paying and spending platonic time with me as well as incredible non-platonic time, only occasionally. I was in a constant cycle of feeling sad, elated, worried, then sad again. Eventually he dumped me, stating that my needing reassurance that he could not give me was ruining our time together. That was college. After college, I met a nice guy, a wonderful catch who was sort of a fixer, accepted me with all my baggage. We lasted 15 years and had a child together. We had a terrible sex life because he had a problem lasting or being in control during sex, and I was frigid with him, as I had been in  my first marriage. He never put me down, but did not express desiring me or being all that impressed with my desirability or sexiness. He ended up leaving me for another woman shortly after our child was born, citing the reason that I had gained weight and my hair was too short (obviously there was more than that, but apparently that was the deciding factor). Third marriage was to a man who just wanted to be friends, yet he would call me in the middle of the night and tell me how much he cared about me. He was not interested in sex with me. I was in my 40s at this point, and I figured I had just lost my sexiness. He would never compliment my body, said he didn’t care about it. Even when I showed him old pictures of me when I had my hottest body, he would always point to a friend or someone else in the picture, stating what a great body they had. He would tease me about various imperfections that I had not known about until he pointed them out. We never really had sex, yet he cheated with another women, dumped her and stuck with me, claiming he chose me because I was a wonderful person and sex does not really matter. He claimed that he was attracted to her sensuality, but that she was objectively no more attrative than I was. At some point, I realized men were still noticing me, and I broke up with number 3 after 7 years of celibacy.  NOW, it gets interesting. Obviously my body is not at its prime, BUT I met someone online that I have been seeing for three years. We have never been exclusive, and I hate the thought of him with other women, but I am not really sure what would happen to us if we got committed (if he would even commit to me after things have gone on like this for so long). I on the other hand am exclusive with him, not because I have to be but because I want to be. He is the best lover I have ever had–lasts as long as it takes, takes care of me before himself, looks at me, smiles at me, an we maintain eye contact. We kiss and make out, like teenagers and the passion never ends. We see each other maybe 4 times a month, and the weeks are usually filled with texts and calls from him trying to get me to hook up. Occassionlly there will be gaps in his attempts to communicate with me, so I figure he is with somebody else–since he has made it no secret that he sees other people and has no intention of stopping. When we go out, which is rare because I have to threaten to cut him off and ignore his texts and calls to get him to do anything other than booty call with him. This has gone on for three years. He is also three times divorced, but I am afraid he will find someone to commit to, and I will be devastated because he fills a void with what feels like love to me, even though I hear, from every guy that he does not care about me if he only wants to have sex with me. EXCEPT, my one gay friend who says a guy does not stick around for three years if there is nothing there. Guys lose interest even in “just sex” after a while if there is nothing deeper going on. I wonder if anyone will read this whole thing? I expect some misinterpretations since it is so long. I am in love with this man because of what he does for me, nothing more or less. He is beautiful to me and he seems sincerely turned on by my body and sensuality. He is so much fun, chasing me around the parking lot trying to kiss me to death. I giggle and laugh while he attacks me on the stairs. We wrestle on the bed and sometimes fall off. It is crazy fun. I will miss him when it is over. I really don’t think anyone else will do this stuff. My POINT is that making a woman feel desired is so very important. I have never said anything critical to him. I choose my words carefully, and he is the same with me. Once he accidentally said something about my breast size not seeming like a DDD (as the label on my bra states), that I wasn’t that big. I didn’t say anything to him about it, but he quickly began complimenting my boobs. Ever since then he always comments that I have perfect ones (which cannot be true, but it is so sweet of him to say). He also claims I have a perfect other part of my anatomy, which is something I never would have known if no one told me. Says my body is perfect for you-know-whatting because of the way it feels, and he likes seeing it too. Crazy? Insecure? Sure. But a lot of people are. As a lover it is my job to make him feel like a man and for him to make me feel like a woman. He is good at that. He claims I am amazing in the sac–which amazes me being frigid for most of my adult life.  If you made it to the end, thanks. If you comment and I see you misunderstood or I left out some key word that changes the meaning of what I have written, I will explain.

  25. 325
    Betsy

    Evan is right in a lot of his response. She was being somewhat irrational expecting to be put above women that are glorified as sexual objects in our culture… but Evan was far too brutal in his response. She isn’t insecure… she just wants to feel beautiful. Both men and women should feel important and attractive, and in good relationships partners do pay each other compliments and give verbal reminders of their affection.

  26. 326
    Jennie

    I don’t think this is an issue about honesty or men being naturally blunt. It’s not about the truth or context of the comment.

    It’s about what effect the comment had on the other person. How can anyone condemn Diana for feeling hurt? Just because something like that would not bother you, it doesn’t mean  that it wouldn’t bother somebody else. How we react to words is very subjective. She cannot control her emotions, and neither should she have to. 

    I had a boyfriend who once told me the same. It made me think that the reason he was with me was because he couldn’t get somebody better. It made me think that if he had the choice he would be with somebody else instead. Regardless of whether that was true or not, it made me question if he’s truly in love with me. He wasn’t. (not until we broke up and realized he started loving me when he began telling me that i am the most precious and special thing and he didn’t understand why he didn’t see it before)

    In life you will have many girlfriends/boyfriends  but will not love all of them. I think you’re only lucky enough to really fall in love once or twice. I did once and I thought he was the best thing that walked the earth. To me, comparing him to anyone, celebrity or no celebrity, wasn’t even an issue because there was no comparison. I didn’t even think about rating him. He was way beyond a 10. When you’re crazy about somebody they’re in a league of their own. I want a partner that sees me the same way I saw this guy. But maybe when I will get married, it might not be with a person I feel this strongly about. Sometimes we compromise. And I can’t help but feel sad about it. 

    A lot of comments are saying that Diana is delusional/naive. Maybe she isn’t naive at all. Maybe by realizing she doesn’t like a certain behavior she will find someone who respects her enough to be more attentive with these things. 

  27. 327
    marigold

    I have a difference of opinion to most the people here. I don’t think in relationships there is any right or wrong approach. Some people prefer complete honesty, some people need little white lies. Some people need it sugar coated because reality is to difficult for their insecurities to handle, some people are more realistic.

    What I am trying to get at is that saying that being honest and realistic is the best way in a relationship is not right. Evan whilst this may work very well for you and your wife i believe it really is because you have the same tolerance levels for honesty and realism. Some people have a fully healthy honest and wonderful relationship in every aspect except man may say to the wife she is the most beautiful woman in the world. Whether aesthetically this is true or not he knows its what she needs to be hear to be happy so he gives it to her. She accepts it and is happy. Not sure how this can be wrong? Doesn’t mean that the rest of your relationship should be about lies but what is the harm in it really.

    I think its more about finding a person who fits well with what approach you want to take. If one person is blunt realistic and to the point and the other person likes a little sugar on their answer they are always going to struggle.

    My boyfriend tells me I am the most beautiful woman in the world to him. I know aesthetically whilst I am attractive there are better woman. But i genuinely believe he thinks I am because he knows my heart and loves me for that. Whilst he may see a woman and appreciate her looks they will never compare to what i give him overall. This is what really matters. I used to be insecure and have those type of conversations, it ended in him explaining to me that my beauty goes beyond looks and that was all i needed to hear from him.

  28. 328
    Nitro

    Some man actually does not like to give compliments cause he feels his wife or girlfriend will get too swell headed and go look for other men. I guess they feel insecure. Some of them are also very egotistical and feel they are better looking than the woman.

    1. 328.1
      starthrower68

      It doesn’t hurt a person to build up and encourage another one, does it? There’s enough mean-spirited nonsense in the world.

  29. 329
    Menarestupid

    Evan, why is it so hard to fathom that there are people out there who honestly think your wife is hotter than Angelina Jolie? You act like there is an objective measure of beauty when there isn’t, and that anyone who says otherwise must be dishonest.

    1. 329.1
      ScottH

      I agree with this. I do not think Angelina Jolie is all that pretty. And when I see pix of Evan’s wife, I think that she is way out of his league. I’d vote for Evan’s wife over Angelina any day.
      Evan- you lucked out big time.

    2. 329.2
      Evan Marc Katz

      This post isn’t about Angelina Jolie. This is about whether a man is allowed to acknowledge that any woman on the planet is more physically attractive than his wife. I vote yes, as I consider myself a reality-based dating coach. You vote no, because you’re so insecure that you think that a man can’t truly love you if he doesn’t think you’re the hottest woman he’s ever seen. Fair enough. I found a wife I adore who is more than happy with me. I sincerely hope you find the man you’re looking for. (And with a name like Menarestupid, I know where I’ve got my money.)

  30. 330
    Stevie

    He may also not want you to know how attractive you are if you are considerably more attractive than him, which is infuriating given his liberal praise of other women’s beauty. He sounds like most men in relationships with women they consider to be more attractive than them; insecure and therefore sparse with praise. In fact in this instance he actively ridiculed you for seeking the praise it seems he has been too jealous or insecure to give you. It is probably a fact that you’re not as beautiful as angelina Jolie but if he is happy to comment on other women and not give you the valuation of your own beauty, which, if how you describe your looks is true, he ought to have no problem giving as men are “honest” and “direct”, then I think it’s inevitable in your frustration at discovering his apparent jealousy that you are attractive and therefore his wilful neglect in telling you so, you might push this to a silly degree; such as comparing yourself to angelina Jolie.

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