I Think I’m Hot But My Boyfriend Doesn’t Seem to Think So

Evan, I want an honest opinion on my predicament. I am in a year-long relationship and my boyfriend is a wonderful man. We have a strong connection and share a lot of values, views and interests. We’re getting pretty serious but there’s something that is eating me up inside. I think my boyfriend doesn’t think I am hot!

Being 5’5″ and 115lbs and measuring 34-26-35.5”, I always assumed that I was in the same league as a lot of celebrities who boast similar bodies. Granted, I am a little heavier towards my hips and have a bit wider frame but does 1″ really make a lot of difference here? Well, yes, according to my dear b/f. He basically told me that I can’t even compare myself to an actress or other celebrities (this ridiculous conversation started while watching TV and making comments about some actress). To him, I am “good looking” and “pretty” but, say, Angelina Jolie is “hot”, and “beautiful” and I am well… a regular person so I am not, how could I possibly be? He “likes me and finds me attractive”, but by no means am I nearly as good looking as a movie star, and I am crazy to be even comparing myself to them. That was the essence of the conversation. Of course, I felt hurt and I had a few “nice” things to say to him in response – as in “look who’s talking” kind of things and this conversation went downhill right away.

Now, am I crazy to be upset about this outlook of his? Men I dated in the past were (or at least acted the part) infatuated by me. I am used to hearing how beautiful I am. Men turn heads when I walk down the street. While I am totally OK with the idea that somebody doesn’t find me the most beautiful woman on the planet, which a lot of people probably don’t, I am somehow not OK with that person being my boyfriend! I mean, if he was truly into me, wouldn’t I be to him more beautiful than all Hollywood celebrities combined? Wouldn’t he be saying things like “honey, Angelina Jolie got nothing on you”? What happens if I gain weight with age – do I go from being “pretty” to “ugly, but I love you anyway because we have 2 kids and a mortgage and divorcing you is too damn expensive”? Am I being insecure and shallow for zooming in on this issue when everything else is fine, or have I got a legitimate concern? Is recognizing that your girlfriend is not ranking at the top of your scale in terms of looks but is the best “package” you can get in terms of looks-personality-values-etc. a sign of a mature man, or a sign of a man who’s not really in love? And most importantly, is this a deal breaker? –Diana.

Love. This. Question.

It’s a microcosm of every misinterpretation in every relationship ever.

And before I answer it, I want to share with you a story.

It was a tale from a linguistics professor in college who explained to the class that, in studies, men tend to be much more direct in their language. Women are subtle.

We can see this in many forms of personal interaction.

Because women are so kind and supportive, they don’t always speak their minds. They obscure the truth to be sensitive, but fail to communicate their true feelings.

Women are sensitive to each others’ needs. Men are blunt.

Women pick up on details. “What was he wearing? How did he kiss you? Where were you at the time?” Men just want to cut to the chase. “What’s the point?”

Women are supportive of their friends. “No, you don’t look fat in those jeans.”
Men cut their buddies down. “Dude, you gained, like twenty pounds!”

In fact, suffice to say, women are largely better and more sensitive communicators and men should really learn take a page out of women’s emotional playbooks.

Except for this one thing…

Because women are so kind and supportive, they don’t always speak their minds. They obscure the truth to be sensitive, but fail to communicate their true feelings.

My linguistics professor used an example of how a typical man and a typical woman would respond to being stuck in a hot classroom.

The man would say, “It’s hot in here! Open the window!”

The woman would turn to her friend and say, “Do you think it’s hot in here?”

The man issues a command. The woman tries to build consensus, but she doesn’t come out directly and say what she really wants: open the goddamn window!

I’m not going to get into some debate about whether this is 100% accurate, because it’s not. Not all men are direct. Not all women are subtle and nuanced.

But the reason I’m sharing this, in reference to your situation, Diana, is that the most interesting thing about women’s linguistics patterns can be summed up in one line:

Men say what they mean. Women don’t.

Thus, women are often surprised when men say what they mean.

You asked your boyfriend a question.

He gave you an honest answer. You seem shocked that he would do so.

Women are always asking for “honest” men, and then, when you finally get one, you would prefer if he told you something untrue.

I’d be shocked if he told you otherwise. His answer would be the exact same answer I would give to my wife. The difference is that:

a) My wife would never ask me to compare her to Angelina Jolie. She’s not that insecure.
b) My wife would not be surprised at my response, which is that she’s no Angelina Jolie.
c) My wife would not take it personally that I told her the truth, because she knows she’s no Angelina Jolie.

So what’s really going on, Diana, is that you wanted your boyfriend to LIE to you.

You didn’t want the truth. You wanted praise.

Even if it meant that he lied right to your face.

Ironic, isn’t it?

Women are always asking for “honest” men, and then, when you finally get one, you would prefer if he told you something untrue.

You basically set yourself up for failure on a couple of levels.

• You expected your boyfriend to be “infatuated” with you because other men have been. Sorry, sweetie. Infatuation is soooo high school.

• You insulted your boyfriend’s looks because he didn’t lie and tell you were as attractive as one of the most attractive women on the planet. Catty much?

• You actually feel that that a man who is truly into you would think you are more beautiful than all of the Hollywood celebrities combined? Really?

How much self-delusion do you have to have to say such things?

I mean, let’s just take it to the extreme:

A man with average looks, average intelligence and an average job gets pissed at his girlfriend who doesn’t think he’s the love child of Brad Pitt and Steve Jobs.

Note: the girlfriend didn’t say he’s “average”. She just said he’s not perfect.

Should he be upset? I sure don’t think so.

Obviously, she loves him – that’s why she’s his girlfriend.

But if you compare ANY man to the most impressive person in his/her field, ALL them are going to compare unfavorably.

So, to answer your question:

Are you being insecure and shallow for zooming in on this issue when everything else is fine, or have you got a legitimate concern? Is your boyfriend recognizing that you may not be at the very top of his scale in terms of looks but are the best “package” he can get in terms of looks-personality-values-etc? Is this a sign of a mature man, or a sign of a man who’s not really in love? And most importantly, is this a deal breaker?

I would only say this…

You’re spot on in assessing your boyfriend’s maturity. Well done.

The real question is whether it’s a deal breaker for HIM to stay with a woman who has such a hard time hearing the truth.

I’ve dated such women and personally, I would rather date a 7 who can accept reality than a 10 who expects me to lie to her.

11
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Comments:

  1. 61
    Kathleen

    Laura and Brenda …Amen !Im in your club

    Come on Stacey … Dry your bleeding eyes …. Have you ever insisted that your guy tell you you’re hotter than his fav celebrity?? Do you have friends that do this ???
    If my ex ever said he was going to leave me for a certain actress Id laugh and tell him Im leaving him for her too!!!

    At 53 I attract more men than I ever did. This coincides with being the most confident and secure Ive ever been. It also helps that my vision and memory are declining LOL … but hey ,,, if you’re not always comparing yourself to other people you’re a happier person to be around

  2. 62
    SnowdropExplodes

    To him, I am “good looking” and “pretty” but, say, Angelina Jolie is “hot”, and “beautiful”

    This makes the error of assuming that those are qualities that are measured on the same scale and that the first two ratings are lower than the second two. I think it’s a mistake to view them as quantitative terms rather than qualitative terms.

    If we say “Angelina is hot but Diana is pretty” the question to ask is not, “Is ‘hot’ higher than ‘pretty’?” but rather, “Does Diana’s boyfriend prefer the qualities of ‘hot’ or of ‘pretty’?” And the evidence is that boyfriend is with a woman whom he describes as “pretty”, not with a woman he describes as “hot”. Therefore, his preference is for “pretty” rather than “hot”. Therefore, he finds Diana more attractive overall than Angelina.

    I don’t know how much Diana has interpreted and extrapolated statements such as “by no means am I nearly as good looking as a movie star” and how much those statements were actually made by boyfriend (they certainly don’t seem to follow from the remarks given in quote marks).

    Then, of course, there’s the question of, “the best ‘package’ you can get in terms of looks-personality-values-etc” Think about it: Angelina Jolie is an object of admiration, a figure, a symbol. For the vast majority of people, including the ones who eagerly devour her every utterance in magazine and TV interviews, she is not a person with values or personality: she’s a marketed product with representations and symbols of certain character traits and values – that’s what it means to be a media figure. She doesn’t have a “package” at all, so it really is ridiculous and pointless to compare yourself with her: why not compare yourself to the Mona Lisa, the Venus de Milo, or any other incredibly beautiful but inanimate figure? I would hazard a guess that boyfriend probably didn’t mean “you are not as beautiful as her so don’t try to compare yourself”, but rather, “it is pointless and foolish to compare yourself to her, because she isn’t real”. Maybe I’m wrong about him saying that, but that’s what I would have been saying.

  3. 63
    misha

    Here’s my opinion. This sounds like a gal who is used to get a certain amount of attention from the opposite sex. She’s not getting this type of validation from her current boyfriend and seems puzzled by it. I think the problem is not with the question, but being a year into the relationship. This guys is now used to her. He’s not going to fawn over her like men in her surrounding environment who probably have slightly to significantly less attractive significant others or who are single and looking.

    Most women want to be validated by the men they are with. We do want to fill cherished, special. Not every day but at least some of the time or enough to not feel like a potted plant as the years go by.

    Most of the women commentators are latching onto the seemingly blunt way he might have answered her. He, not realizing what she was really looking for, that you find me as attractive as all those other guys have in the recent past, answered her matter of factly and some would say bluntly.

    I’m not sure she wanted to be lied to per se but, like a lot of people have said sure angie is hot but i really love you, think you are just as sexy insert whatever here. Becuase that hopefully should be the truth. This girl is not auditioning for a modeling agency.

    And of course I’m no where near as empirically attractive as anglina jolie and never will be but that phrase can be turned into a backhanded stab if said with contempt and hostility. So how you say it does come into play and does matter.

    Have we solved hot pants problem yet? :D No and we probably won’t because in the dating game are still more valued for their appearance than any of the other things we can bring to the table, fun, companionship, helpmate, sex etc. It’s all how hot are you? So… yeah. women want to be complimented and not told, now way you are as hot as (insert celebrity chick du jour here)

    Not sure i’ve added value to this thread but i don’t disagree with Evan on this but nobody else has really answered her question.

  4. 64
    Margo

    Evan, Amanda@15 wasn’t insulting you or your wife. She asked you a simple question in response to your blog post. And it was a valid question at that. She asked you how would you feel if your wife didn’t like your penis size as well as some of the other men she’s been with, and how you would feel if she told you that outright instead of sugar coating it for you. There is no reason for you to even think about censoring such a post.

    1. 64.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      I’m certainly not writing a blog post about my penis, Margo. But, to Amanda’s question: I would never ask her how my penis compared to other men, because the knowledge doesn’t help me. She could either lie to make me feel great or tell the truth to make me feel insecure. So I don’t ask a question where I don’t want to know the answer.

      If she VOLUNTEERED for some reason that she was dissatisfied with my penis size, I’d be shocked because she’s seemed content for the past 5 years and it hasn’t gotten any worse. Thankfully, this has absolutely nothing to do with the original post – because the boyfriend didn’t come out and say, “You’re no Angelina Jolie. I’m highly dissatisfied with your looks”. He probably said, “Wow, Angie looks hot at the Oscars!” And the OP said, “I look as hot as her, don’t I?” And then he said, “Um, no. But you’re my girlfriend and I love you and while I think you’re very attractive, you don’t look as hot as Esquire’s sexiest woman of the year 2007.” At least that’s the way I’m picturing it.

      Anyone who’s attributing bad qualities to the wonderful boyfriend is projecting what you want him to be – so he can be wrong. Sorry. At worst, he’s slightly insensitive because he didn’t know that the only proper answer was a lie.

  5. 65
    April G

    Oh. My. God. This had me laughing SO hard. Forgive me ladies, cause I have a strong opinion on this one.

    That woman, is what I’ll lovingly term “a beating”. My guess is that the whole “I look like a movie star, don’t I” is actually just one variation of the same argument they have a lot – or, more acurately, she has by herself. My guess is he’s not arguing – she is. He’s just answering her questions. And honestly. (How dare he!?!)

    Evan, I love that you tackled this from men’s point of view. It’s funny to me that we all want a “real man” as long as he’ll talk to us like our girlfriends when we’re feeling insecure. The truth is, you’re rarely, if ever, going to be the “most beautiful, youngest, funniest, sweetest – or whatever other superlative” in the room. So realize you’re the best you that you can be in a package and let it go. And let your man be.

    Lastly, a really great comedian had a joke I loved about how women should never be insecure about their man wanting or ever thinking they could be with some hot celebrity over them. He said “Ladies, rest assured, your man is with you because he knows, without a doubt, you are indeed the best he can swing. Or he wouldn’t be with you!” LOL.

  6. 66
    Happy Person

    It doesn’t sound like the OP asked him for his opinion of her looks as compared with those of celebrities. Not sure how that assumption made it into the thread. Sounds like the conversation evolved out of who knows what and he said something rude. It also sounds like she countered with something rude and he didn’t take too well to that either.

    Have to say that I’ve known lots of guys who make these rude kind of comments about women’s looks just as a matter of course, and it doesn’t make any difference how nice-looking the woman is. I know far fewer women who comment on men’s looks as a matter of course.

    For me it’s a red flag when a man makes these kind of comments. I won’t even have lunch with a male coworker if he’s one of those guys who sits there and talks about how such and such a film star looks fat, had bad plastic surgery, isn’t all that, etc. Neither will I hang around and listen to guys talk about how great-looking some woman is (I’m assuming that they want to be alone with their hand at that point).

    This kind of objectification puts a tremendous amount of pressure not only on the everyday girlfriends, coworkers, wives, female friends who aren’t in the public eye but also on women who are, who then go to great lengths to appear perfect (and end up looking freaky, starving themselves or getting bizarro lip injections or bleaching their hair to straw or go running around with their hoo-hahs hanging out).

    Ashley Judd had a good response to this kind of crap. She called it misogynistic. Google her op-ed about the recent media assault on her for having a “puffy face.”

  7. 67
    Karl S

    I’m sorry, but a lot of you people seem to be ignoring the actual WORDS that she WROTE.

    “while I am totally OK with the idea that somebody doesn’t find me the most beautiful woman on the planet, which a lot of people probably don’t, I am somehow not OK with that person being my boyfriend!”

    She wants her boyfriend to think she’s the most beautiful person on the PLANET. Think I’m misconstruing her words?

    “if he was truly into me, wouldn’t I be to him more beautiful than all Hollywood celebrities combined? ”

    It doesn’t matter which way their conversation went down, this girl’s expectations are ridiculous.

  8. 68
    Stacey

    Kathleen#64: I sincerely hope that my boyfriend knows that such comments are completely rude and if he ever said anything remotely resembling what is being discussed here, he would’ve never lived it down with me. I do think that the OP’s guy is at best clueless, and at worst manipulative and malicious. I have seen guys like that, who’s game is to make their g/f feel line crap about herself. Furthermore, I think if a guy can’t bring himself to call his girl “beautiful”, e tier has deep rooted issues or is not into her. And, if he is just clueless, him drooling over a fake image while denying a compliment to a woman he supposedly loves is hardly, hardly a sign of maturity. Bt that’s just my opinion.

  9. 69
    Jadafisk

    No one should ask “trick” questions like this. But this is what happens when women are repeatedly told that nothing really matters to men except their beauty, a subjective commodity of which the only consistent consensus is that it depreciates rapidly. If your confidence with the opposite gender is based on one aspect alone, a bit of delusion will be necessary to get by, because we aren’t in Lake Wobegon, where everyone gets to be above average. Men don’t get hung up on not being the best looking man alive to their S.O. because their value isn’t defined by their appearance as heavily as women. He can easily contend that he’s more intelligent, mature or interesting than a Hollywood guy, more of a total package and better suited to her, where according to the valued traits stated previously here, an average woman can take solace in being… warmer than Charlize Theron or more supportive than Megan Fox…um, yay for that? Hopefully, the fond memories we inspire of our S.Os. mothers will last a lifetime.

  10. 70
    Paul Mawdsley

    Three things:

    1. Truth without empathy and kindness is hurtful AND painting a person into a corner where they have to choose between their empathy and caring for you, on the one hand, and their integrity, on the other, is vicious and uncaring.

    2. I learned a long time ago to look less at myself in the physical mirror and more at myself through the psychological mirror of those people I respect, trust and care about. When we lose our capacity for empathy, we lose our connection to others and our ability to feel and see ourselves through another’s eyes. We seek to elevate our missing sense worth through comparing and competing. It sounds to me like Diana is struggling with her empathy. She can’t feel her worth in herself. She can’t feel her worth through the eyes of her lover. And she can’t feel for the position she put her lover into. But she still needs to feel good about herself so she compares herself to who she sees as the highest standard and demands her lover judge her higher to give her the self-esteem she lost.

    3. My standard answer to feeling painted into this corner by my lover: “Don’t go there and don’t ask me to go there with you. It’s not fair. Let’s take some time to talk and actually see each other.” Diana was saying, in not the healthiest way, she needs to connect, she needs to feel seen and she needs to feel appreciated. Guys can actually learn to read through the fog of her misleading communication. And she can actually learn to be less foggy.

  11. 71
    Stacey

    Karl (#71) you are missing the point. She says “to him”, as a woman I concur with the #1 response, which is it’s natural to want to be the mst desirable person for your man. I don’t know how guys can do it in their heads, to love a woman and at the same time objectify her so that they can “objectively” say that she’s not as hot as celebrity X. To me it sounds rather impossible. If I love a guy, he’s the hottest guy on the planet, period.

  12. 72
    Tash

    It was a dumb question to ask & the boyfriends response was real & truthful. She needs to ask herself why she asked it in the 1st place. Is she insecure in her looks or as she compared to other men she has dated, is she not getting her required quota of validation/affection/sentiments from said boyfriend. Every person & couple is different (read 5 love languages). I have watched good men lose good women to another man her better managed the female ego. Is it an issue with herself esteem or with her emotional/validation needs not being met. I don’t think there was anything wrong with the guys answer, it’s just how men are, they don’t fluff, fluff, they just tell it like it is. She would have had a better response if perhaps she had asked a girlfriend the same answer. But she needs to look at why she asked him that, what was the driving force to prompt her to ask that.

  13. 73
    Evan Marc Katz

    @Stacey #75 – You nailed why you’re having so much trouble accepting my answer with this line, “If I love a guy, he’s the hottest guy on the planet, period.”

    I don’t know one man who doesn’t find hundreds of women equally or more attractive than his wife/girlfriend.

    Your refusal to understand that men can be attracted to you, love you, be faithful to you, and still want to fuck somebody else signifies a lifetime of either a) disappointment when your boyfriend tells you the truth, or b) lies, from the man who tells you that you’re the hottest woman on the planet, period.

  14. 74
    Some other Steve

    Evan @77:

    > I don’t know one man who doesn’t find hundreds of women
    > equally or more attractive than his wife/girlfriend.

    Even Brad Pitt? :-)

  15. 75
    Suheil

    I completely agree with Evan, and… it made me realize that when I ask people questions like “am I pretty?”, “do I look good?” “do I look fat?”… there is no good answer for that… ever, cause it doesn’t matter how people answer that, the reasons for such questions lie in my own insecurity. Are they responsible for my insecurities? It really has nothing to do with the other person and even if they disagree, they are entitled to their opinion, right? It doesn’t mean they hate me just as it doesn’t mean I hate myself if I recognize that I’m human and can and will have some shortcomings from time to time.

    And seeing people here attacking somebody on things like their marriage or penis size, that’s just really really sad to me. :(

  16. 76
    Margo

    Reality check for men: If you love/like the woman you’re with, you don’t EVER tell her that she isn’t “hot”, but just “pretty”. If she asks you to compare her to another woman, just tell her you think the other woman is beautiful/pretty, but so is she! Do not rate her on a scale of 1-10.

    Evan…Your wife must be a much better woman than me, because if you were my husband, and you told me to my face that you thought I was a 7, or posted it anywhere, you’d be hearing it, buddy! It’s ok to tell your wife the truth, but it must be done sensitively. The rating scale ain’t it. Now, if she asks you if she has gained weight, it’s ok to tell the truth. The same if she doesn’t look good in a certain dress, shoes, etc. However, there is a difference between latter and a rating scale!

    Reality check for women: Do not ask your significant other if you’re the most beautiful woman in the world because he may not think so. However, (men take note), if you ask him if you’re beautiful, he should say “Yes”. Why? The reason for this is that beauty can be subjective as well as objective. And honestly, if a man doesn’t think a woman is beautiful to HIM, he really shouldn’t be with her. A person can be beautiful and attractive in many ways other than having a beautiful face and/or body.

    Evan, and male readers, you do NOT tell a woman that you “want to fuck another woman”. In that context, the word “want” would be very problematic to any woman in a relationship with a man she likes/loves. C’mon men, please tell me you all see that.

  17. 77
    AnnieC

    I am some-what astounded at the lengths that some posters are going to, to justify this womans’ behaviour.

    It’s just a long list of excuses. The OP is ridiculous in her expectations.

    And to the person who was offended because an administrator asked you if you’d done your paperwork, what on earth is offensive about that? My manager asks me if I’ve done my paperwork(because they want to know) and I say “yes”, or “no but I’m working on it”.

    The problem here isn’t male honesty, it’s female hypersensitivity and expecting men to read and manage your emotional state 24/7. As grown women we manage our own emotional state. If you expect a man to jump through mental/emotional hoops just to figure out the EXACT response to give you, because otherwise he might hurt your feeeeeeelings, then don’t date until you stop expecting men to wrap you up in cotton wool.

    Harden up.

  18. 78
    Birdlife

    When my boyfriend (in an insecure moment – men have them too!) asked me how good looking my ex was (ex constituted a tres traumatic relationship) I told him that 1) he had nothing to worry about and 2) my ex’s looks were the best thing about him! He laughed and got the point.

  19. 79
    Ileana

    @Evan (70): ‘At worst, he’s slightly insensitive because he didn’t know that the only proper answer was a lie.’

    You are ignoring one small problem here. The only proper answer wasn’t a LIE. It was the truth plus a bit of reassurence. Other people posted variations of what that would have sounded like!

    Telling her: ‘Well, Angie is really hot/beautiful, but you’re hot/beutiful too – not like her, but in your own way’ sounds BETTER than something in the lines of ‘Oh, come on now, you’re pretty attractive but you can’t hold a candle to Angelina’s beauty’.

    Oh, and one more thing. Related to the ‘size’ – issue. Size can be meausred. There are special units for size. A is larger than B leaves no room for interpretation.
    But how on Earth can beauty be measured???

  20. 80
    Kathy

    @ Evan
    “Your refusal to understand that men can be attracted to you, love you, be faithful to you, and still want to fuck somebody else signifies a lifetime of either a) disappointment when your boyfriend tells you the truth, or b) lies, from the man who tells you that you’re the hottest woman on the planet, period.”

    If you were my husband/boyfriend and I saw this thought printed on your blog you would be history in a blink of the eye. I had a similar fight with my boyfriend and it nearly ended our relationship. We were having a conversation in the car and he brought up a story that happened to him in the past where a friend was going to fix him up with a woman who he knew to be a lesbian but didn’t let on and to do it as a joke. My BF described meeting the woman (far too young for him and obviously unavailable, unbeknownst to him) as “the most beautiful woman, unbelievably hot…” I stopped him and said that I didn’t want to hear the story, but he continued and repeated the beautiful/hot part again. This led to a discussion about him hurting my feelings, that I don’t want to hear him speak that way about another woman and he refused to get it. Now in this situation, his story was unsolicited. Does he tell me all the time that I’m pretty? Constantly. Is he in every other way wonderful to me? Yes. Did I recently divorce a man who was constantly cheating on me? Yes. Did I want to hear my current BF speak of another woman as being hot and beautiful ? No. Do I want to think that my future husband wants to, as you say-and I quote “fuck somebody else”? NO. And if that is the way all men are. I’ll remain single.

  21. 81
    Heather

    Androgynous:

    No, my expectations are not “unrealistic.” My expectations are based upon: “Do unto others, as you would have done unto you.”

    So based upon your logic, then I would have every right to talk to you however I wish, no matter if it were abusive, mean spirited, hateful, etc.

    But guess what. I won’t. Because I know what that is like. And how that hurts. And how that can devastate a person. And THAT is what I expect out of people.

    If you think that kindness and empathy and compassion are unrealistic, then I feel kind of sorry for you.

  22. 82
    AnnieC

    @80

    You said

    “Your wife must be a much better woman than me, because if you were my husband, and you told me to my face that you thought I was a 7, or posted it anywhere, you’d be hearing it, buddy!”

    Yes. She is a better woman than you.

    There is a reason Evan is in a happy marriage and you are not. His wife is not like you. She know’s she’s a 7, evan prolly thinks higher, but he knows he’s biased and does not care. They love each other.

    What is this “IF YOU TOLD ME I”M A Seven” nonsense? I doubt you are even that. Wtf?

    Evan’s wife, is a strong independant woman by default. She likely has no need to prove her worth , she just loves her guy, and he loves her.

    Your whole “You’d hear about it buddy”..its just a threat.

    Men don’t want to deal with emotionally hystrical women who threaten retribution if the man does not comply with the womans wishes to assuage her need to the most beautiful woman in the world. Only the most insecure and ridiculous women believe that is what a man MUST DO TO GET ACCESS TO THE GOLDEN UTEROUS.

    A man wants a partner, not a self-righteous hypersensitive dictator.

  23. 83
    Helen

    Evan 49: “@Helen – Even if he was rude – and we have no way of knowing – should this suggest that their relationship should be thrown away? Should this be a fight?”

    My opinion is that it certainly warrants a discussion. We don’t know enough of the details; again, we don’t even know that Diana asked a question, although that assumption was a large part of your original response as well as the responses of commenters here.

    I think that she is well within her rights to say that certain types of comments from him, such as the hotness, etc. of certain actresses, makes her uncomfortable. She should say it in a nondefensive way: “When you say X, I feel Y.” If he loves her, he will work to accommodate her. Let’s face it – EVERY person is sensitive in some ways that may not make sense to their spouse or SO. If you love them, you accommodate them, even if you consider them oversensitive. You don’t say, “Well, I’m right and you’re oversensitive and should just get over yourself.” Bad recipe for an LTR.

    On a side note: I have to agree with the commenters in wondering what the hype about Angelina is. Her hair is nice, but her face is strange and not very comfortable to look at. Just to name a few, I think Kate Middleton, Halle Berry, and Winona Ryder are far prettier. They’re actually easy on the eyes, as the saying goes.

  24. 84
    Selena

    Re: #81

    ” I am some-what astounded at the lengths that some posters are going to, to justify this womans’ behaviour.”

    Apparently many women need to believe their partners think them the most beautiful woman on the planet, more than all the *hottest* celebrities combined!

    Bemusing. And a little sad.

  25. 85
    AnnieC

    NB. I know my spelling above was terrible. Sorry for that

  26. 86
    Mini

    This whole discussion is a little surreal. I can’t even imagine asking my guy if I’m the hottest woman on the planet. I think I’d burst out laughing.

    It must be tough for women who’ve been taught to see their beauty as their most important attribute. It’s a transient thing and subjective to boot (to some degree).

    Here’s the view from the other end of the scale. My ex was in the “honesty above all” camp (well, on this particular issue, at least…). He never told me I was beautiful or pretty. Never. Eventually I pointed this out, saying look, I’m not so delusional that I think I’m a cover model–but surely on some level, at some moments, I’m beautiful *to you*? (In the same way my not-exactly-George-Clooney ex was “handsome-to-me” because I loved him.) Even thus prompted, he couldn’t manage it; at best he’d choke out some compliment about how nice that color blouse was with my eyes, or how well my outfit worked together. (And I would then point out to him that he had complimented *my fashion sense*, not me. Eventually I gave up.)

    In contrast, my BF now routinely tells me I’m cute–which I take to mean mostly “endearing,” but clearly he finds me attractive enough. :) He tells me I have a beautiful smile and laugh. The other day he told me I was pretty–a word I never heard from my ex. I still know I’m no beauty queen–and I don’t lose any sleep over that–but with him I feel cute and sometimes pretty, and that’s nice. I’m also happy deep down to know that he cares more about my other qualities, the ones that won’t fade in twenty years, like being intelligent and kind and good-humored. It probably helps too that he doesn’t sit around telling me how hot other women are. He has the sense to keep that to himself, if he’s thinking about it at all.

    Women: don’t fixate on being the hottest thing on the planet. Guys: say nice things to your girlfriend/wife, and mean them.

  27. 87
    Zaq

    @Kathy

    Then you will remain single !!

    Men are biologically programmed to spread their seed with as many viable fertile females as possible. They choose not to for the sake of their partner.

  28. 88
    Goldie

    As classics say, “this thread is useless without pix”. LOL Seriously, though, I’ve been shaking my head in disbelief as I was reading this. Did the OP actually ask whether it’s a deal-breaker if her BF does not consider her the most beautiful woman on earth? Not as a figure of speech (as in “aw honey, you know you’re the most beautiful woman in the world to me”, where we both know he doesn’t seriously mean that I could win Mrs. Universe or get a Hollywood contract — all it means is, he likes the way I look), but honestly, objectively the most beautiful out of the 3.5 billion women on this planet? My first thought upon reading this was, what is this world coming to? How shallow and high-strung have we become, to worry about something like this in a relationship? I assume the OP is fairly young, otherwise she would already be facing the fact that there are women in this world 10, 15, 20 years her junior, that she can never beat in the looks department because of age difference alone. So a good solution for the OP would be to take some time and work on maturing and personal growth, until she is in fact ready to be in a relationship with another mature person. Right now I have major doubts that she is. Sad thing is, I also think she’s completely capable of finding a guy who will tell her that she’s the most beautiful woman on earth, and tell her that in a perfectly convincing way… but this wouldn’t be the kind of man anyone wants to be with. Who wants a relationship with a player and a con artist?

    @Selena #40, I thought of Snow White too!

  29. 89
    Heather

    AnnieC wrote:

    I am some-what astounded at the lengths that some posters are going to, to justify this womans’ behaviour.

    It’s just a long list of excuses. The OP is ridiculous in her expectations.

    And to the person who was offended because an administrator asked you if you’d done your paperwork, what on earth is offensive about that? My manager asks me if I’ve done my paperwork(because they want to know) and I say “yes”, or “no but I’m working on it”.

    The problem here isn’t male honesty, it’s female hypersensitivity and expecting men to read and manage your emotional state 24/7. As grown women we manage our own emotional state. If you expect a man to jump through mental/emotional hoops just to figure out the EXACT response to give you, because otherwise he might hurt your feeeeeeelings, then don’t date until you stop expecting men to wrap you up in cotton wool.

    Harden up.

    Yikes. I can feel the chill in your words way over here! My goodness!

    I have every right to be offended if my administrator makes an offensive comment. And let me add that I “reality checked” this with men and women. All agreed that he was out of line for questioning my doing my job.

    The boyfriend should have stopped and thought before speaking, which is a problem that a lot of men seem to have. The question was ridiculous and I never once said that it was a good question. Men need to take a minute, stop, think, and process before just running off at the mouth. If he’d stopped to think, he might have given a truthful yet KIND answer. There are times to be blunt, but if a guy’s going to be blunt and nasty to his girlfriend, then she needs to get a move on.

    I think it’s a shame that people consider kindness and empathy some kind of weakness. Says alot about our society, and that is a very sad thing. I am proud of the fact that I do my best to practice empathy, kindness, and compassion, and that I expect that out of others. If folks want to think I’m unrealistic, oh well. That’s on them.

  30. 90
    Soul

    @Kathy

    I am a woman, so I understand where you are coming from, and I too feel hurt sometimes…. but still, you cannot twist reality because the truth does not appeal to you… yes most men want to fuck other women than their lover… and they are not only interested in hot women… I had a boyfriend who once told me he would be curious to have sex with a dwarf!!!! loooool. And when he was younger, my current boyfriend once paid a huge amount of money to the fattest prostitute on earth because he wanted to know what it felt like (I was like: “really ???”). ahahaahahahaah. Well get over it: men are different human beings looool. Actually I think they are extremely funny…you just need to find the guys who’s is mature enough not to ACT on his urges when he is in a relationship. Temptation is acceptable, ACTING on temptation is unacceptable though looool

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