I Think I’m Hot But My Boyfriend Doesn’t Seem to Think So

Evan, I want an honest opinion on my predicament. I am in a year-long relationship and my boyfriend is a wonderful man. We have a strong connection and share a lot of values, views and interests. We’re getting pretty serious but there’s something that is eating me up inside. I think my boyfriend doesn’t think I am hot!

Being 5’5″ and 115lbs and measuring 34-26-35.5”, I always assumed that I was in the same league as a lot of celebrities who boast similar bodies. Granted, I am a little heavier towards my hips and have a bit wider frame but does 1″ really make a lot of difference here? Well, yes, according to my dear b/f. He basically told me that I can’t even compare myself to an actress or other celebrities (this ridiculous conversation started while watching TV and making comments about some actress). To him, I am “good looking” and “pretty” but, say, Angelina Jolie is “hot”, and “beautiful” and I am well… a regular person so I am not, how could I possibly be? He “likes me and finds me attractive”, but by no means am I nearly as good looking as a movie star, and I am crazy to be even comparing myself to them. That was the essence of the conversation. Of course, I felt hurt and I had a few “nice” things to say to him in response – as in “look who’s talking” kind of things and this conversation went downhill right away.

Now, am I crazy to be upset about this outlook of his? Men I dated in the past were (or at least acted the part) infatuated by me. I am used to hearing how beautiful I am. Men turn heads when I walk down the street. While I am totally OK with the idea that somebody doesn’t find me the most beautiful woman on the planet, which a lot of people probably don’t, I am somehow not OK with that person being my boyfriend! I mean, if he was truly into me, wouldn’t I be to him more beautiful than all Hollywood celebrities combined? Wouldn’t he be saying things like “honey, Angelina Jolie got nothing on you”? What happens if I gain weight with age – do I go from being “pretty” to “ugly, but I love you anyway because we have 2 kids and a mortgage and divorcing you is too damn expensive”? Am I being insecure and shallow for zooming in on this issue when everything else is fine, or have I got a legitimate concern? Is recognizing that your girlfriend is not ranking at the top of your scale in terms of looks but is the best “package” you can get in terms of looks-personality-values-etc. a sign of a mature man, or a sign of a man who’s not really in love? And most importantly, is this a deal breaker? –Diana.

Love. This. Question.

It’s a microcosm of every misinterpretation in every relationship ever.

And before I answer it, I want to share with you a story.

It was a tale from a linguistics professor in college who explained to the class that, in studies, men tend to be much more direct in their language. Women are subtle.

We can see this in many forms of personal interaction.

Because women are so kind and supportive, they don’t always speak their minds. They obscure the truth to be sensitive, but fail to communicate their true feelings.

Women are sensitive to each others’ needs. Men are blunt.

Women pick up on details. “What was he wearing? How did he kiss you? Where were you at the time?” Men just want to cut to the chase. “What’s the point?”

Women are supportive of their friends. “No, you don’t look fat in those jeans.”
Men cut their buddies down. “Dude, you gained, like twenty pounds!”

In fact, suffice to say, women are largely better and more sensitive communicators and men should really learn take a page out of women’s emotional playbooks.

Except for this one thing…

Because women are so kind and supportive, they don’t always speak their minds. They obscure the truth to be sensitive, but fail to communicate their true feelings.

My linguistics professor used an example of how a typical man and a typical woman would respond to being stuck in a hot classroom.

The man would say, “It’s hot in here! Open the window!”

The woman would turn to her friend and say, “Do you think it’s hot in here?”

The man issues a command. The woman tries to build consensus, but she doesn’t come out directly and say what she really wants: open the goddamn window!

I’m not going to get into some debate about whether this is 100% accurate, because it’s not. Not all men are direct. Not all women are subtle and nuanced.

But the reason I’m sharing this, in reference to your situation, Diana, is that the most interesting thing about women’s linguistics patterns can be summed up in one line:

Men say what they mean. Women don’t.

Thus, women are often surprised when men say what they mean.

You asked your boyfriend a question.

He gave you an honest answer. You seem shocked that he would do so.

Women are always asking for “honest” men, and then, when you finally get one, you would prefer if he told you something untrue.

I’d be shocked if he told you otherwise. His answer would be the exact same answer I would give to my wife. The difference is that:

a) My wife would never ask me to compare her to Angelina Jolie. She’s not that insecure.
b) My wife would not be surprised at my response, which is that she’s no Angelina Jolie.
c) My wife would not take it personally that I told her the truth, because she knows she’s no Angelina Jolie.

So what’s really going on, Diana, is that you wanted your boyfriend to LIE to you.

You didn’t want the truth. You wanted praise.

Even if it meant that he lied right to your face.

Ironic, isn’t it?

Women are always asking for “honest” men, and then, when you finally get one, you would prefer if he told you something untrue.

You basically set yourself up for failure on a couple of levels.

    • You expected your boyfriend to be “infatuated” with you because other men have been. Sorry, sweetie. Infatuation is soooo high school.

    • You insulted your boyfriend’s looks because he didn’t lie and tell you were as attractive as one of the most attractive women on the planet. Catty much?

    • You actually feel that that a man who is truly into you would think you are more beautiful than all of the Hollywood celebrities combined? Really?

How much self-delusion do you have to have to say such things?

I mean, let’s just take it to the extreme:

A man with average looks, average intelligence and an average job gets pissed at his girlfriend who doesn’t think he’s the love child of Brad Pitt and Steve Jobs.

Note: the girlfriend didn’t say he’s “average”. She just said he’s not perfect.

Should he be upset? I sure don’t think so.

Obviously, she loves him – that’s why she’s his girlfriend.

But if you compare ANY man to the most impressive person in his/her field, ALL them are going to compare unfavorably.

So, to answer your question:

Are you being insecure and shallow for zooming in on this issue when everything else is fine, or have you got a legitimate concern? Is your boyfriend recognizing that you may not be at the very top of his scale in terms of looks but are the best “package” he can get in terms of looks-personality-values-etc? Is this a sign of a mature man, or a sign of a man who’s not really in love? And most importantly, is this a deal breaker?

I would only say this…

You’re spot on in assessing your boyfriend’s maturity. Well done.

The real question is whether it’s a deal breaker for HIM to stay with a woman who has such a hard time hearing the truth.

I’ve dated such women and personally, I would rather date a 7 who can accept reality than a 10 who expects me to lie to her.

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  1. 91

    Uhm, this is fascinating. I wonder what is the level of self esteem of a woman who’s ok with her bf telling her that “he wants to fuck other women”, or that “she’s a 7”, or negatively compares her with some other woman, celebrity or a mere mortal, AND remains her b/f after that. Seriously? Seriously?? I dont even know what is the right word for it, sad or pathetic. You just dont say things like that to people you love. Every woman deserves better than that. And if my guy told me he wanted to fuck other women, i would grant him that wish in a heartbeat. I don’t need a b/f like that

  2. 92

    Suheil # 79 and AnneC #81- I agree with what your posted.

    I think this post and the ensuing debate goes at the heart of why men and women have trouble getting along. And now I’m joining in on this silly conversation. If the guy is overall a good man, respectful, committed and loving, so the frig what if he said (AJolie is beautiful and hot) it a little insensitively. Move on! It goes to show you that many woman are so insecure that they can’t let go of silly crap. So much so that if Kathy #84 knew that her boyfriend wanted to “fuck somebody else,” she would choose to remain single for the rest of her life. That is so ridiculous. Clearly some women can’t live in reality. A lot of you women are so hypersensitive and insecure but then make it the man’s problem. Take some responsibility for your own issues. Go get help. And stop torturing a good man (assuming based on her post)!

  3. 93

    @ #93

    Re: the paperwork question, I can think of about a dozen ways to ask it – “have you done your paperwork?”, “what’s the status on your paperwork?”, “do you need help with your paperwork?” But what does the wording matter when we all know that the actual meaning is the same in all these cases – “where’s the fricking paperwork, it’s the last day of the month, I should have it by now and I don’t”?

    I guess I’m a rare woman who likes to be told things the way they are. I probably have mild Aspergers (my son has it, and I assume he got it from me) and I’m easily confused by sugar-coating. That was one of the most difficult things about dating for me — adjusting to the fact that “I had fun” means “this date sucked, never contact me again”, “let’s be friends” means “get the hell out of my life”, the list goes on. I get it that people want to be polite, but there’s polite and there’s misleading.

    Back to the poor unfortunate boyfriend, where was he “blunt and nasty”? He said that he likes the OP and finds her attractive. This doesn’t sound too rude to me. On the contrary, it’s nice, accurate, something I’d be happy to hear from my own BF, or something I’d be happy to tell him while being completely honest. If “I like you and find you attractive” is perceived as rude by the rest of the world, please warn me now before I actually say that to him!

  4. 94

    Well, this seems to be a perfect example of ‘be careful what you ask for’. If she is that insecure after a year with this fella than there are bigger issues I’d say.
    I stumbled onto this blog, and I’ve been lurking around to gain some insight into the world of dating/ men in the 21 st century. I am appreciating the education on the male perspective for sure.
    I was married for almost 20 years to a guy who I don’t think ever said to me that he thought I was beautiful or ‘hot’.
    A little sad, sure. I never asked him out right. I know that I am very pretty. I’m in excellent physical shape. I didn’t need his vaidation on this. Although it would have felt good. But I certainly wouldn’t expect to be declared the MOST beautiful woman blah blah blah… by a guy.
    If a guy felt compelled to express that to me, then I would graciously accept it as the hyperbole that it was, but I would not be so deluded as to be expecting a call from People Magazine.
    Funnily enough, as I approached the very first guy I met for a date after my marriage ended, his eyes did that cartoon bug out thing and a big shiteatin grin burst across his face. He didn’t have to say it. I didn’t have to ask.
    Like I said, I come here to get the male perspective. It is what it is. I don’t always have to like it, but forwarned is forarmed.
    Wishing men would think like women in trying to relate to us ain’t gonna make it so. Acceptance of this is key I think.

  5. 95

    Random thoughts……………

    1.) Being that we have no idea how old the OP is let alone what she actually looks like. I will assume she’s very young, extremely immature, and insecure.

    2.) The definition of the word “hot” in describing one’s physical appearance is an opinion that can’t be measured (even in a man’s mind)and we all know what opinions are like…lol

    3.) I personally don’t find Angelina Jolie that attractive. That doesn’t mean I think she’s hideous. It’s my personal opinion and Brad can have her.

    4.) Most(not all) men are attracted to and would love to have sex with many different types of women whether they’re married or in a relationship. They just don’t act on it. WE’RE MEN ! I myself love watching amatuer adult video’s with natural normal flawed women of all ages, shapes & sizes instead of fake porn queens but that’s my taste. Oh and ladies sorry to break it to you, no matter what you look like some men like watching porn. Yes, maybe even yours.

    5.) If you care about someone why would you say anything in a manor that would intentionally make them feel bad if you know their weakness? Who needs that drama? The guy handled it wrong!

    1. 95.1

      Thank you JB. Don’t be with someone and make them feel ” less than”. They will revenge knowingly or unknowingly.

  6. 96

    Goldie #97, this debate about proper words and expectations really cracks me up. I too used to think that i was a bit aspie as i am not always sensitive/aware/care about other people’s feelings, but this thread makes me realize that i am far more normal than i suspected LOL. Yes “attractive” is a watered down version of beautiful/handsome, and pretty is good looking but not beautiful, and beautiful/handsome is well… what you’re supposed to feel about your SO if you are into them. “cute” better be reserved for describing an object or behavior, or may be little kids and bunnies. Men or women, you do not say into your SO face that you find somebody esle more attractive or desirable even if you do (for all male readers, if you want to turn tables picture your g/f talking about how big a 6’5″football player’s penis is, or what a nice life Donald Trump must be providing to his g/f compared to your meager 75k/year). Also, i dont understand why so many people took the letter wording literally. The way i read it, “more beautiful than all celebrities combined” i think is simply a hyperbole, a figure of speech to illustrate that a b/f is supposed to really, really be into his g/f, and not just find her “doable”. Surely we can’t add beauty of several people and compare the results to another person’s, how is this can even be taken literally? Truly fascinating reading!

  7. 97

    Annie #86: “You said “Your wife must be a much better woman than me, because if you were my husband, and you told me to my face that you thought I was a 7, or posted it anywhere, you’d be hearing it, buddy!”

    Yes. She is a better woman than you.

    There is a reason Evan is in a happy marriage and you are not. His wife is not like you. She know’s she’s a 7, evan prolly thinks higher, but he knows he’s biased and does not care. They love each other.

    What is this “IF YOU TOLD ME I”M A Seven” nonsense? I doubt you are even that. Wtf?

    Evan’s wife, is a strong independant woman by default. She likely has no need to prove her worth , she just loves her guy, and he loves her.

    Your whole “You’d hear about it buddy”..its just a threat.”

    Um, Wow!…

    Anyway…Personally, I don’t ask any of the men I’ve dated or my ex-husband how I look. I already know, so I don’t need to ask. Nor, do I compare myself to other beautiful women such as Angelina Jolie because they’re beautiful in their own way, and I’m beautiful in my own way. It’s as simple as that.

    Still, for the men who are asked these questions by the women they like/love, you’d do well to interject a little sensitivity into your answers.

    Oh, and Annie, my statement about Evan’s wife being better than I was rhetorical, sweetie. 😉 Have a nice day.

  8. 98

    If your man tells you your hot or pretty, take it as a compliment and stop comparing yourself to impossible beauties. Who in their right mind thinks they are as hot or hotter than woman who are famous for being hot. Sounds like a very insecure woman. When my man tells me I’m hot, I smile and leave it at that.

    1. 98.1
      Maria C

      personally I find every day women better looking than celebrities and models, why have any of you seen celebrities without make up? People think that I am beautiful, I once had a professional make-up artist, and I looked like a hot model. LADIES, MOST WOMEN CAN LOOK LIKE MODELS AND CELEBRITIES IF THEY HAD THE MONEY THEY HAD. Some celebrities are very beautiful without make-up, but that does not mean that a non-celebrity can’t be better looking. And, yes I have seen better looking women than Angelie Jolie that are not famous. A women does not have to be a model or a celebrity to be stunning/gorgeous or hot.

  9. 99

    I think Evan’s answer was PERFECT! I think that women need to aspire to something MORE than looking like a “celebrity.” I think it is PATHETIC that the insecure, shallow, manipulative OP bases her entire life and worth on her looks, despite the fact that she has a great boyfriend! And finally, I think that it is TERRIFYING and sad that so many women agree with her!

  10. 100

    Julia #102: not all hot women are famous (for it or otherwise). Those hot women who are not famous, in their right mind think that they are just as hot as celebs. What a ridiculous comment.

  11. 101

    At Layla #96

    You said
    ” if Kathy #84 knew that her boyfriend wanted to “fuck somebody else,” she would choose to remain single for the rest of her life. That is so ridiculous. Clearly some women can’t live in reality. ”

    Oh really??? What is so ridiculous? Marriage is ridiculous! I AM being realistic! There is no point to remarry! If you think marriage is connected commitment it is YOU, Layla, that is living in fantasyland. I choose to remain single and have a relationship with my boyfriend (single means unmarried does it not?). Marriage serves no purpose for me. I had my kids, I am supported by my ex, and love having the freedom to do whatever I damn please. If one day my boyfriend or I decided to act upon “impulses” there is no paper to legally bind us.
    Very realistic!

  12. 102
    Karl R

    Aksuay said: (#95)
    “I wonder what is the level of self esteem of a woman who’s ok with her bf telling her that ‘he wants to fuck other women’, or that ‘she’s a 7’, or negatively compares her with some other woman, celebrity or a mere mortal, AND remains her b/f after that.”

    If a man is stating that without being solicited for his opinion, I’d say he’s being tactless. If a woman puts up with someone who is tactless, I would say she’s either thick-skinned or extremely patient.

    My fiancée has a healthy self-esteem. If she believes another woman is beautiful (more beautiful than her), she’ll mention that herself. Her self-worth isn’t based on being the most attractive woman in the room. And if I agree with her opinion, I don’t have to keep it to myself.

    My fiancée doesn’t base her self-esteem on her appearance. She doesn’t care that I don’t believe that she’s more attractive than my favorite actresses (or even a couple ex-girlfriends).

    Aksuay said: (#100)
    “if you want to turn tables picture your g/f talking about how big a 6’5″football player’s penis is, or what a nice life Donald Trump must be providing to his g/f compared to your meager 75k/year).”

    I’d be curious how my fiancée knew how well-endowed the football player was. (She knows a ex-pro football player, but they’ve never dated.)

    My fiancée has dated men who were wealthier than me, better endowed than me, better looking than me, taller than me, smarter than me, better educated than me, funnier than me….

    … and if she thought they were better boyfriends, she’d still be dating them, not me.

    She broke up with them for a reason. As a package deal, I am better than those men. I have nothing to feel insecure about.

  13. 103

    Karl #106 : this isnt the point. The point is that (i hope) your fiance does not in fact make comments about her ex’s size, money or whatever in the context of negatively comparing it to you, because she does not want to hurt your feelings. So you say to yourself “whats the big deal”, but if you actually experienced it, you’d be wondering: why would she say such a thing? Does it mean i dont’t satisfy her? Omg has she been faking it? Is she still mad i didnt pick up that check 2 weeks ago? Did she not like her bday present? Am i even ENOUGH for her?

    God! I feel like i am doing sensitivity training in a kindergarden!! Are these things not obvious to grown people?

    1. 103.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      @Aksauy – What you don’t seem to get is that there’s a big difference between a man coming out and insulting his girlfriend and that girlfriend soliciting a compliment and not receiving it. If my wife volunteers for some reason that I have a small penis, that would be mean and unnecessary. But if I ask her if I’m the largest man she’s ever been with and she’s like, “Come on. Really?” then I’m pretty much asking for it. It seems to me that the OP was soliciting a comparison between her and various celebrities and was shocked to find out that while he found her attractive, he still thought other women were more attractive. And it seems to me that pretty much every guy will also feel that way. So the thing to learn here – as always – is not how to change men and make them stop being attracted to other women – but rather to accept the fact that he finds other women more attractive and appreciate the fact that he STILL chose you!

  14. 104

    How did we get from comparing a woman (at her request) to Angelina Jolie to comparing her to one’s ex? Unless the OP’s boyfriend used to date Angelina, this makes no sense.

    Actually, speaking of exes, I’d be worried if a man told me that I am better than every one of his exes in every way. I’d wonder why his judgement is so awful; why, with this awful judgement, he picked me; and why is it that no decent woman before me has ever wanted anything to do with him. Did they know something I don’t? Is he bad news?

  15. 105

    Oh Evan, should this even matter if those words were solicited or volunteered? Its not even clear from the letter and while the scenario you gave in #70 looks very realistic, its not really a solicitation of an opinion as much as idle talk, is it? For a boyfriend to turn a TV dinner into a beauty contest between his g/f and AJ is just dumb, and all he ever had to say is “you’re beautiful” without comparing. Comparing is toxic.

    And to appreciate the fact that he “still chose her”? Is it not the same as being the “consolation prize” that the #1 called it? I think any woman with healthy self esteem wants to be chosen for her beauty and character, not despite her “flaws”

    1. 105.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      Aksauy – YOU called it a consolation prize.

      Here in reality, however, men don’t look at their wives as consolation prizes.

      We might be attracted to Kim Kardashian. We wouldn’t want to marry her. Do you still not get it? Do you still not realize that EVERYONE who gets married is doing it in spite of his/her partner’s flaws? Are you really that delusional to think that your future partner thinks you’re perfect? And if you don’t think he thinks you’re perfect, you’re admitting that he’s marrying you in spite of your flaws.

      Either way, you’re fighting a losing battle with logic, based on your raw emotion about how men are “supposed” to feel. It’s just not true. The OPs boyfriend could quite possibly have been more tactful, but he has nothing to apologize for if he believes that other women are more attractive than his girlfriend.

  16. 106

    And how about appreciating the fact your boyfriend loves you dearly DESPITE not thinking you are the most beautiful woman on the planet? Sheesh.

  17. 107

    Yeah, sorry i really dont get it. Or more like, i do get it that this is how things work for some people, but to me its just an incredibly cold, jaded, calculated and unloving way of going through life, and not something that would work for me personally. I married my husband and he married me because we were deeply in love and all we wanted to do is to be together, not because each of us decided that the other one was the best possible combination of desired traits that we could swindle, as if we werr buying a new car and looking for a perfect trade off between color, price and fuel efficiency. Doesnt mean we thought we were perfect, its more like we didnt give it much of a thought at all – if i am in love why would i be even thinking about somebody else? Call me a naive romantic but thats just how things work for me.

  18. 108
    Happy Person

    I like what Kathy says!!! I agree with Kathy!!!!

  19. 109

    @ Aksauy #113:

    “I married my husband and he married me because we were deeply in love and all we wanted to do is to be together, not because each of us decided that the other one was the best possible combination of desired traits that we could swindle, as if we werr buying a new car and looking for a perfect trade off between color, price and fuel efficiency. Doesnt mean we thought we were perfect, its more like we didnt give it much of a thought at all …”

    Exactly! I take it that you don’t go around bugging each other asking for confirmation that you’re more beautiful than AJ, wealthier than Bill Gates or any such silliness. Neither do any of the couples I know. It’s just irrelevant in a mature relationship.

  20. 110
    Karl R

    Aksuay said: (#107)
    “The point is that (i hope) your fiance does not in fact make comments about her ex’s size, money or whatever in the context of negatively comparing it to you,”

    When my fiancée mentioned that one ex was incredibly intelligent and hilariously funny, the context was her pointing out that he did have redeeming features.

    A couple of her ex-boyfriends were doctors, so I can infer they were wealthier and better educated than I am. I forget the context, but she was probably mentioning how she met them. (She works in a medical center.)

    Similarly, Diana’s conversation with her boyfriend occurred while they were watching TV (and presumably actresses). He did not just announce it with no context.

    A few months ago I was watching “The Lord of the Rings” with my fiancée. I mentioned that I think Cate Blanchett is drop-dead gorgeous. That’s the way a conversation (like the one between Diana and her boyfriend) starts. It’s not a negative comparison. It’s just an observation about the woman we’re looking at.

    Aksuay said: (#107)
    “but if you actually experienced it, you’d be wondering: why would she say such a thing? Does it mean i dont’t satisfy her?” [long string of wild speculation]

    When something like that occurs, I look at the person and say, “I’m afraid that I’m missing the point that you’re trying to make.”

    Aksuay said: (#107)
    “God! I feel like i am doing sensitivity training in a kindergarden!! Are these things not obvious to grown people?”

    It sounds more like oversensitivity training to me.

    Let me point out something that ought to be obvious to you:
    If you are looking for reasons to take offense at what someone says, you will find them. Even if I stay silent, you can get offended that I’m “refusing” to talk to you.

  21. 111

    Helen # On a side note: “I have to agree with the commenters in wondering what the hype about Angelina is. Her hair is nice, but her face is strange and not very comfortable to look at. Just to name a few, I think Kate Middleton, Halle Berry, and Winona Ryder are far prettier. They’re actually easy on the eyes, as the saying goes.”

    C’mon, Helen…Now, YOU need a reality check on this one. I’m as into men as a woman can get, but I can appreciate that Angelina Jolie is seriously beautiful.

    I’m beautiful too, but I wouldn’t dare lie to myself and say that Angelina Jolie is just so-so. Is she the most beautiful woman in the world? Who can say? This is a big planet, lol, so I’m sure that there are women somewhere that are just as beautiful. However, Ryder, Berry & Middleton are NOT those women-especially Ryder.

    In summary, stop lying to yourself about Jolie. It makes you look very insecure and bad to a man.

  22. 112

    Goldie, #115: indeed we do not. That said, i do not remember my husband ever characterizing another woman as “drop dead gorgeous” in my presense, and even when i point out that some girl is very good lookig he would just say “she’s ok”, but he never fails to compliment me. If i heard him say, or read him write on the internet that i am no hottie and on fact is a 7, i would be deeply distirbed and it would prompt me to seriously re-evaluate everything wr had, because to me he’s just the best. Its not about thinking someone is “perfect”, no one is, no matter how successful or good looking. Its about being into each other and loving each other not knowing why you love them (as opposed to havig a shopping list of qualities in your head). I wouldnt want it for myself any other way. Delusional? Whatever. Rather be delusional and happy than realistic and miserable.

    1. 112.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      So you and the OP are in the same boat, Aksauy. You both find it deeply disturbing that your partner doesn’t put you on a pedestal – to the point of reevaluating your relationship.

      That’s your business and I sincerely hope it works out for you. But on behalf of a lot of other men – dating women like you is exhausting and most men will opt out.

      Men tend to demonstrate their love through their actions, their dedication and their loyalty – not through a constant stream of puffery designed to protect you from reality.

      That said, if you found a man who tells you that you’re the most beautiful woman in the world, a man who never looks at other women or checks out porn, a man who genuinely thinks you’re a perfect 10 in all categories, hold onto him for dear life. He may be the only one left.

  23. 113

    The point is to not not look at porn (he does and i dont mind) or not looking at other women (he obviously does and i again dont mind), or other silly things, its about doing it, and still thinking your partner is just …well above that all, above competition, not even comparable, not putting your partner on a scale and objectifying them. What is so horrible about that?

    1. 113.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      You nailed it, Aksauy. My wife doesn’t see Angelina Jolie as competition so there IS no competition. Seems the OP is threatened by fantasy. So what exactly was your point? Sounds like your relationship is just like mine. Except your partner has to be very careful about what he says around you and my partner doesn’t.

    2. 113.2

      You make perfect sense AKSAUY. We all know what the reality is ;at the same time your relationship with your significant other trumps all. Watch porn, heck I watch it too but to each other we should know that we are the best in each other’s eyes no matter what. I’m with you! Granted the OP might have some underlying issues, at the end of the day women want to feel beautiful, more like how men take their performance issues seriously.

  24. 114

    Karl @ 116: “I mentioned that I think Cate Blanchett is drop-dead gorgeous.”

    Cate Blanchett? Really?? What’s wrong with you, Karl? Lol.

  25. 115

    No woman no matter how well adjusted wants to hear a man wittering on about how attractive other women are – totally unnecessary and I would advise any man just to cut that sort of talk out and women not to ask to ask about it. Women are very well aware how much men value looks so making her feel that you don’t value her looks that much (and that is how she will feel if you feel the need to tell her how attractive other women are without being asked) will not make her feel great. Men may well show affection by actions but women need to be complimented in words too (alhough most do not need to be lied to). Suggest men reading this take note because if you are constantly making a woman feel insecure about how she looks, other men may not be!

  26. 116
    Katarina Phang

    Why don’t we ask the OP herself how the conversation unfolded in the first place?

    My suspicion is perhaps she was saying something like “I think all these celebs are actually not much different to attractive regular people like myself. They have a throng of stylists that make them look the way they are. I can look like that too if I have the same privilege.”

    And then the bf responded the way he did. Way too harsh and unnecessary.

    Bottom line is, if you can’t say something good about your partner in this context, then don’t say anything! Again, it’s idle talk. Not every bit of honesty needs to be spoken. What about kindness? What is at stake here? Being brutally honest or your partner being happy and adored and in the process she loves you more and treats you with more kindness as well? Isn’t it what we want?

    We all lie every now and then and white lies are often important in relationship. It’s not that she’s going to abuse that lie and run away with George Clooney, for example.

    And it’s actually not just a woman thing. My ex was sensitive to being compared or me mentioning other guys were hot in his presence too! Once I mentioned that Jillian Barberie’s husband was hot. I said it twice and he cut me off, “alright…alright. I don’t need to hear that.”

    And I wasn’t even comparing him to the dude!

    Another time was when his sister was telling me about a hot guy who worked in a pizza restaurant and I was responding to it and he heard it. He did the same thing.

    Again, there is no need to tell your spouse that other people are attractive (let alone more attractive) except perhaps in some limited circumstances. Anyone over 20 knows that there are other very attractive or more attractive people than us. It’s not the point though.

    I told my date not to talk about other women (unwarranted) as well. I don’t want to hear it. And I will honor the same treatment upon him as well.

    Often it’s hard enough for a guy to be complimentary to his woman (like my ex) and it’s bad enough not being complimentary enough, don’t make it worse by actually wittingly or unwittingly demeaning her. Women thrive through compliments (we release oxytocin when we are being complimented especially by our men). Actually both men and women thrive on them, but especially women. That’s how we feel cherished and guys often don’t understand this.

    When we are happy and secure, we can give you what you need more readily (not nagging, not needy, not being a bitch, give you the space you need, etc).

    And it’s not an exaggeration that for most women, when we’re in love with you, you really are the best man in the world. You really *ARE* the most attractive man on earth, that’s why we often don’t understand why you don’t think the same way and we get hurt that you actually view others as more attractive (and for us attractive doesn’t mean only physical attraction but overall attractiveness).

    And of course we know that we really are not the most gorgeous woman on earth. But then again, why state the obvious? If we ever ask you that (again, I will never do that unless in jest), just respond lightly, “Of course, dear.”

    We will perhaps just give you a big grin and kiss you for being sweet and there is no silly argument ensue. Is it a lie? Hell yeah but who cares????

  27. 117
    Katarina Phang

    And you know what, I actually loved it that my husband was jealous and feeling a bit insecure. That means he loved me and needed my love, admiration and adoration. He wanted me to think the world of him and women want that from their men too, without exception. It’s extremely important that we both feel that way.

    That was one of the few tender moments that actually was quite reassuring for me.

    So choose your word wisely, because they’re going to make or break your relationship in the long run.

  28. 118
    Karl S

    It seems to me that she initiated the conversation due to a number of different things. For one, if the boyfriend had started it, you’d think she would have made a point of highlighting that fact in the letter as one of her grievances, with words to the effect of “and then out of the blue!” or “for no reason!”. In fact, I’d go so far as to say the entire focus of the letter would have been different.

    Secondly, she has offered her measurements to Evin, discussed differences over 1 inch and size distribution between hips and frame, and how she assumed she was in the same league as a celebrities. It just seems like she thinks about this issue a lot.

    In short, her entire letter asks “can he love me if I’m not the hottest?” rather than “why do men hurt my self esteem for no reason!”

  29. 119
    Karl S

    And nowhere in the letter does she talk about tact or the BF just saying what she’d like to hear for her sake. She’s concerned with him *thinking* she’s the be-all-and-end-all beauty, not whether he’s an adroit diplomatist. Making white lies for your partner does not address the issue here.

  30. 120

    I had this sexual thing going with a man last year who, when I had first met him, had been an 8. He had been a bit of a player too. I had wanted to have sex with him because it was well known that he had been with a lot of women, and I wanted to know for myself if he was good in bed, and to experience that as well. I also wanted to have sex with a European.

    Well, he was ok in bed. It wasn’t as good as I thought it was going to be, and it was more than a one-time thing. He was a selfish lover: he didn’t like to take his time with oral sex, although he LOVED receiving it. In addition, he wanted a baby, and I wasn’t going to give him one. He was also losing in life, and had mental problems, so he became less and less attractive as a potential permanent prospect anyway.

    When we got together, he had gone down to a 7. He remarked one day to me that he needed to lose weight. I agreed with him, I wasn’t going to lie to him since he asked (he was starting to look like crap) but I did say it nicely. In any event, he became insecure. On another occasion, I saw a hot guy on tv, remarked on it, and he became insecure over that too. He didn’t say anything, but became visibly uncomfortable.

    Point is, some people are insecure anyway. In any event, it’s better to be sensitive concerning what you say to people that you care about on some level.

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