I Think I’m Hot But My Boyfriend Doesn’t Seem to Think So

Evan, I want an honest opinion on my predicament. I am in a year-long relationship and my boyfriend is a wonderful man. We have a strong connection and share a lot of values, views and interests. We’re getting pretty serious but there’s something that is eating me up inside. I think my boyfriend doesn’t think I am hot!

Being 5’5″ and 115lbs and measuring 34-26-35.5”, I always assumed that I was in the same league as a lot of celebrities who boast similar bodies. Granted, I am a little heavier towards my hips and have a bit wider frame but does 1″ really make a lot of difference here? Well, yes, according to my dear b/f. He basically told me that I can’t even compare myself to an actress or other celebrities (this ridiculous conversation started while watching TV and making comments about some actress). To him, I am “good looking” and “pretty” but, say, Angelina Jolie is “hot”, and “beautiful” and I am well… a regular person so I am not, how could I possibly be? He “likes me and finds me attractive”, but by no means am I nearly as good looking as a movie star, and I am crazy to be even comparing myself to them. That was the essence of the conversation. Of course, I felt hurt and I had a few “nice” things to say to him in response – as in “look who’s talking” kind of things and this conversation went downhill right away.

Now, am I crazy to be upset about this outlook of his? Men I dated in the past were (or at least acted the part) infatuated by me. I am used to hearing how beautiful I am. Men turn heads when I walk down the street. While I am totally OK with the idea that somebody doesn’t find me the most beautiful woman on the planet, which a lot of people probably don’t, I am somehow not OK with that person being my boyfriend! I mean, if he was truly into me, wouldn’t I be to him more beautiful than all Hollywood celebrities combined? Wouldn’t he be saying things like “honey, Angelina Jolie got nothing on you”? What happens if I gain weight with age – do I go from being “pretty” to “ugly, but I love you anyway because we have 2 kids and a mortgage and divorcing you is too damn expensive”? Am I being insecure and shallow for zooming in on this issue when everything else is fine, or have I got a legitimate concern? Is recognizing that your girlfriend is not ranking at the top of your scale in terms of looks but is the best “package” you can get in terms of looks-personality-values-etc. a sign of a mature man, or a sign of a man who’s not really in love? And most importantly, is this a deal breaker? –Diana.

Love. This. Question.

It’s a microcosm of every misinterpretation in every relationship ever.

And before I answer it, I want to share with you a story.

It was a tale from a linguistics professor in college who explained to the class that, in studies, men tend to be much more direct in their language. Women are subtle.

We can see this in many forms of personal interaction.

Because women are so kind and supportive, they don’t always speak their minds. They obscure the truth to be sensitive, but fail to communicate their true feelings.

Women are sensitive to each others’ needs. Men are blunt.

Women pick up on details. “What was he wearing? How did he kiss you? Where were you at the time?” Men just want to cut to the chase. “What’s the point?”

Women are supportive of their friends. “No, you don’t look fat in those jeans.”
Men cut their buddies down. “Dude, you gained, like twenty pounds!”

In fact, suffice to say, women are largely better and more sensitive communicators and men should really learn take a page out of women’s emotional playbooks.

Except for this one thing…

Because women are so kind and supportive, they don’t always speak their minds. They obscure the truth to be sensitive, but fail to communicate their true feelings.

My linguistics professor used an example of how a typical man and a typical woman would respond to being stuck in a hot classroom.

The man would say, “It’s hot in here! Open the window!”

The woman would turn to her friend and say, “Do you think it’s hot in here?”

The man issues a command. The woman tries to build consensus, but she doesn’t come out directly and say what she really wants: open the goddamn window!

I’m not going to get into some debate about whether this is 100% accurate, because it’s not. Not all men are direct. Not all women are subtle and nuanced.

But the reason I’m sharing this, in reference to your situation, Diana, is that the most interesting thing about women’s linguistics patterns can be summed up in one line:

Men say what they mean. Women don’t.

Thus, women are often surprised when men say what they mean.

You asked your boyfriend a question.

He gave you an honest answer. You seem shocked that he would do so.

Women are always asking for “honest” men, and then, when you finally get one, you would prefer if he told you something untrue.

I’d be shocked if he told you otherwise. His answer would be the exact same answer I would give to my wife. The difference is that:

a) My wife would never ask me to compare her to Angelina Jolie. She’s not that insecure.
b) My wife would not be surprised at my response, which is that she’s no Angelina Jolie.
c) My wife would not take it personally that I told her the truth, because she knows she’s no Angelina Jolie.

So what’s really going on, Diana, is that you wanted your boyfriend to LIE to you.

You didn’t want the truth. You wanted praise.

Even if it meant that he lied right to your face.

Ironic, isn’t it?

Women are always asking for “honest” men, and then, when you finally get one, you would prefer if he told you something untrue.

You basically set yourself up for failure on a couple of levels.

• You expected your boyfriend to be “infatuated” with you because other men have been. Sorry, sweetie. Infatuation is soooo high school.

• You insulted your boyfriend’s looks because he didn’t lie and tell you were as attractive as one of the most attractive women on the planet. Catty much?

• You actually feel that that a man who is truly into you would think you are more beautiful than all of the Hollywood celebrities combined? Really?

How much self-delusion do you have to have to say such things?

I mean, let’s just take it to the extreme:

A man with average looks, average intelligence and an average job gets pissed at his girlfriend who doesn’t think he’s the love child of Brad Pitt and Steve Jobs.

Note: the girlfriend didn’t say he’s “average”. She just said he’s not perfect.

Should he be upset? I sure don’t think so.

Obviously, she loves him – that’s why she’s his girlfriend.

But if you compare ANY man to the most impressive person in his/her field, ALL them are going to compare unfavorably.

So, to answer your question:

Are you being insecure and shallow for zooming in on this issue when everything else is fine, or have you got a legitimate concern? Is your boyfriend recognizing that you may not be at the very top of his scale in terms of looks but are the best “package” he can get in terms of looks-personality-values-etc? Is this a sign of a mature man, or a sign of a man who’s not really in love? And most importantly, is this a deal breaker?

I would only say this…

You’re spot on in assessing your boyfriend’s maturity. Well done.

The real question is whether it’s a deal breaker for HIM to stay with a woman who has such a hard time hearing the truth.

I’ve dated such women and personally, I would rather date a 7 who can accept reality than a 10 who expects me to lie to her.

11
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Comments:

  1. 181
    Paragon

    I admit, I get a kick out of all these women clearly overestimating their options.

    While it may be trivial for a typical woman to, indeed, find a man who thinks she’s all that.

    The question is, will she necessarily *want* such a man?

    My observations tell me that it is the rare woman who can command the same level of interest from the kinds of men who *she* is into – that is why women frequently end up in abusive/disrespectful relationships(ie. they cannot
    reconcile the fact that, for many of them, warranting the kind of respect/sentiment they think they deserve, may entail
    considering men who aren’t their ‘type’).

  2. 182
    sthrnphoenix

    I’m the girl next door. Regularly described as “cute” and “pretty”. That really used to bother me, but as I’ve grown older, I’ve come to realize it really doesn’t mean much. I’m a reasonably pretty woman, and have never been described as “hot” by any boyfriends, friends, or family members. I think I would be thrown if I was. My family frequently tells me I’m beautiful and my family tells me I’m beautiful. They all believe it’s true, and I love them too. But to be honest, I’m cute. I came to terms with that a few years ago, and I’m okay with it. I still feel warm and fuzzy when my bf tells me that out of the blue. I can’t even conceive of telling my boyfriend I’m as hot as Angelina Jolie in any context other than making a joke.

    My first thought upon reading this letter, which has not been changed by the OP’s subsequent comments at all, was to wonder just how old this girl is. I was also struck by the feeling that she was exaggerating his response in order to make him look worse than the situation warranted. Again, that has not changed. And it really doesn’t matter, because beauty is so much more than whether you are as hot or hotter than AJ or wear a beauty queen’s crown, or got voted prom queen. It’s a whole lot about how you comport yourself, whether you can look in the mirror and see what’s really there, and whether you treat other people with respect and a recognition of who and what they are instead of only how they reflect back on your own image of yourself. Before I even met my guy, I worked out what I was looking for. None of my lists included a great looking guy. Because one of my criteria is that I want someone to sit with me on the porch in rocking chairs as wrinkled old people watching the grandkids play and still enjoying each other’s company after all these years. And as a previous poster stated, when we’re old and wrinkled, we just aren’t going to be “hot” anymore. However, we can still be happy.

    Oh, and Heather: Do you really think people who know you and know how sensitive you are will argue with you over whether you are overreacting? Your “reality check” is useless. Your admin has a right and responsibility to follow up with you when a deadline is looming. Guess what? If you have a month end deadline, so does your admin, and he (or she) cannot meet their deadline until you meet yours. If I had to preface every conversation I had with a subordinate with “how are you”, “how’s the kids”, and “what about them Saints” before I could ask where they are in getting their task done, I would spend half my time wasting my time and theirs, not to mention preventing them from actually *doing* their jobs. Your admin is not your friend and shouldn’t have to pretend to be your friend just to get an update on your work. That would be a very tiring way to do business.

  3. 183
    sthrnphoenix

    Oops, I meant my family and my boyfriend tell me I’m beautiful. Perhaps a little proof-reading might help me just a bit. :-P

  4. 185
    mara

    Evan, please answer me. Your words are echoing in my brain and maybe I don’t understand men but it seems quite horrifying.

    “Your refusal to understand that men can be attracted to you, love you, be faithful to you, and still want to fuck somebody else signifies a lifetime of either a) disappointment when your boyfriend tells you the truth, or b) lies, from the man who tells you that you’re the hottest woman on the planet, period”

    When I am in love I only desire the man I am in love with. I don’t want to fuck anyone else, celebrity or real person. I only have desire for the man I am with.
    Is it possible for men too? Am I normal?
    ?!?
    :(

  5. 186
    Joy

    Diana,
    Only you know whether your (now ex) boyfriend’s response was a legitimate deal breaker or not. Everyone’s comments on this list are valid and worth considering but the bottom line is how did you feel in that relationship? Yeah, it seems a little shallow or egotistical or insecure that you’d make a comment about being as hot as a celebrity to your boyfriend in an attempt to get some validation from him. In your defense, I know a woman can start feeling pretty darned insecure when they aren’t being treated as hot and desired by their man. You said he was a wonderful man and that you had a lot of good things going on in your relationship but clearly you weren’t happy with the level of attention you got from him. Was he a clueless cad? Was he just not that into you? Did he have issues of perfectionism that you could never meet? Were you demanding too much validation? Too insecure and high maintenance? I have no idea.

    While a man can be a wonderful person and you have a lot in common that takes care of the friend part of a relationship. A woman can get all of her needs met in many different ways and places. She can feel sexy about herself. She can be validated at work for her competence and smarts. She can feel good about being a good person by the way she conducts her life. She can feel love and loved by friends and family. I’m not in the camp that we are islands of security and that we don’t need other people in our lives. We are human and we have needs for connection, love and affection. As women we can only get the level and type of affection we crave and enjoy with a man from our man. That is why we are with him, why we want a man in our life, why we love men and not something else. We love their honesty, we love their muscles, we love their decisiveness and the way they get things done and take care of their family. We love their logic and emotional strength. We love their manliness. We want them to love and adore our womanliness. More than just at a friend level or you are ok, you’ll do. I’m here, aren’t I, isn’t that enough, level. We want them to notice our curves, want to touch our soft skin and smell our hair. We want them to love us when we cry and are a little emotionally vulnerable, or when we nurture them and others. We want them to appreciate when we spend hours getting ready so that we can look our best for them. We put all that effort into it for Him. Because he is important to us, because we want him and we want him to want us. A woman doesn’t want the same kind of compliment from her man that she gets from her girlfriends. She wants to know that she pleases him, makes him happy and that he desires her, picks her. Which means he is happy with her. I wish more men realized that. We want to know we are wanted and appreciated as his woman, loved and desired by that one man we are entrusting our heart to. It really isn’t that difficult for a man to make a woman happy. We aren’t a bunch of insecure ninnies who aren’t capable of having rich fulfilling lives in all other areas just because we want the quality of what we really desire from a man to feel good.

    Too much of these posts have focused on the logistics and hard cold facts of appearance. The real issue here is much bigger. Do we feel loved and appreciated by our significant partner? Do we feel good when in relationship with them in a way that is special or unique to them which is why we are with each other and not any other person out there – including some stupid over idolized celebrity. Is it just me or has anyone else noticed that save about 1% of the population, we all end up looking like funny looking old people. I hope we all find the magic that can sustain a loving relationship through all the phases of life including losing our looks.

    I’m guessing Diana didn’t feel good with her bf. Is it right or wrong? I bet she learned from it too and the next time she feels compelled to make a comment about being as hot as a celebrity it will trigger the memory of all these helpful comments and she won’t need to ask anyone about it. I bet she’ll know why she got that urge and will know what is and isn’t a deal breaker. I’d love to know Diana, if you are still reading this blog, how you feel about the whole thing now? What did you learn that helped you the most?

  6. 187
    Nathan

    Mara, I can’t speak for other men, but when I am in a relationship, I rarely feel attraction for other women. My focus is on being with my girlfriend.

  7. 188
    mara

    @Nathan

    thank you Nathan;
    I felt so saddened at the idea I might never find a man like me – someone who only has eyes for his lover.
    It’s funny, sometimes I feel like I was born in the wrong era…
    I am so romantic !
    I hope will find a man that thinks like you do. :)

  8. 189
    Androgynous

    As to the question whether a man can love a woman, and yet desire someone else, I think both Evan and Mara are correct, depending on the context and the intensity of the desire. While it is normal for a man to love his girlfriend/partner and feel attraction for other women, this attraction is based on momentary appreciation of their beauty, wit, charm, whatever and NOT a deep, profound yearning and longing for that other person. If it is the latter, then I suggest the man is not truly in love with his partner/girlfriend in the first place.

  9. 190
    Tina

    Mara, of course there are men who are romantic and they will have ‘eyes’ and ‘heart’ only for you…just don’t lose your faith in love and men.

    Believe me, I’ve been disappointed (even recently) but as for me I know that men are different and definitely there are romantic and good men out there.

    You will find the One some day. Just continue to be a romantic person and he will find you :)

  10. 191
    SalsaQ

    @201 I agree with your first point. I also believe if you don’t keep trying you won’t find a partner. I disagree with the certainty of your last line.

    There is no guarantee we will find The One some day, even if we do everything right. I dislike the term. The One reeks inevitable fate and destiny. Believing that certainty is counting on something that is not entirely under your control and feels like something you need to be whole.

    Live a balanced and full life leaving room for love to come into it and *chances* are good someone good will come into it, but if he doesn’t you will still be happy.

  11. 192
    Senior Lady Vibe

    @sthrnphoenix 193
    “And as a previous poster stated, when we’re old and wrinkled, we just aren’t going to be “hot” anymore. However, we can still be happy.”

    Gee, I didn’t notice who wrote that. Pity that he/she thinks he/she is old, wrinkled and no longer hot. OTOH, I’m old –and last week saw a couple wrinkles emerge across my un-botoxed brow — and I’m still hot!

    One of the secrets to remaining hot is a lack of dependence on the votes of others about whether or not I’m… hot. I might have my work cut out finding guys who think I’m hot but that’s another story.

    Still living the hot life in Hotsville.

  12. 193
    Kathleen

    Senior Lady Vibe in Hotsville
    U go girl !!!!! I like your attitude and your secret to remaining hot Im with you on that one!!

  13. 194
    sthrnphoenix

    @ Senior Lady # 203: You keep living in Hotsville! :-D I was actually paraphrasing another poster speculating about AJ asking if she’s still hot when they’re old. Your idea of old and mine may not be the same. I really don’t consider anyone old until they hit their 70′s at least, and that is all in their point of view. My vision was of me being in my mid 70′s with my honey. Then again, being hot outside of the bedroom just isn’t high on my list for myself or my boyfriend.

  14. 195
    Paragon

    @ Mara

    “When I am in love I only desire the man I am in love with. I don’t want to fuck anyone else, celebrity or real person. I

    only have desire for the man I am with.
    Is it possible for men too?”

    Yes.

    When I fall in love, physical appearance truly becomes a secondary consideration(even while being a determinate
    factor in emotional bonding).

    She becomes more beautiful to me with every passing moment, and every beat of my heart – a perfect beauty which
    is no longer dependent on my physiological senses.

    She becomes the burning star, the focus, in the center of my perceptual universe(to the exclusion of all other women,
    regardless of their relative merits, in an objective world).

    @ Senior Lady Vibe

    “One of the secrets to remaining hot is a lack of dependence on the votes of others about whether or not I’m… hot.”

    Only in an a priori world(ie. not the same one the rest of us undeluded individuals are living in).

    “I might have my work cut out finding guys who think I’m hot but that’s another story.”

    Not really – such indications speak reliably to the matter, on whether or not you can justifiably be considered ‘hot’, or
    ‘not’.

  15. 196
    mara

    @ Paragon

    Thank you so much.
    Your answer made my day !
    =)

  16. 197
    cat

    I have to totally agree with Evan on this one. I read on another website a man constantly professing that his wife is the most beautiful woman in the world to him, but his whole blog was all about how natural it was for all men to stare at beautiful women even in the presence of their wife/girlfriend. I tried to argue that although most men tell their wife/girlfriend she is the most beautiful woman in the world to him, I think it is a romantic gesture alone & isn’t truth. No man is totally satisfied with how their wife looks, no matter how “HOT” or averagely attractive she might be. The truth is men want to look at other beautiful women. Period. And even if the lady that asked the question was as beautiful as Angelina Jolie, it wouldn’t matter, he would still want to look at Angelina Jolie. Point is, men like variety, when they are in love or not – it doesn’t make a difference. Men want to see beautiful, naked women. All the time. Doesn’t matter if you’re George Clooney with a g.f. like Stacey Kiebler or Brad Pitt with a g.f. like Angelina Jolie, those 2 men are STILL looking/ogling other beautiful & probably younger women. Just nature, men are never satisfied & can never be. With looks that is. Other aspects maybe but I’m not so sure? And just for the record, Angelina Jolie isn’t that “HOT” in my opinion…Stacey Kiebler blows her out of the water on the hot scale as do amny many other women. Just sayin! So who cares if her b.f. thinks Angelina is “hotter”…lol

  17. 198
    Charlotte

    I agree that we do not know the tone with which this man spoke these words to his girlfriend. My concern is that tearing your girlfriend down is the first sign of abusive behavior. Abusive men often entice women by being charming and once they have them, begin to tell them no other man would want them. I would be taking note if he makes other derogatory comments.

    If my wonderful boyfriend made a comment comparing his looks to those of Brad Pitt or George Clooney, I would *not* tell him to stop being absurd and delusional. I would tell him that those men have nothing on him. I would tell him that, to me, he is the most beautiful man in the world. And it’s true. And we’ve been dating a year.

    Of course I see other men who have pretty eyes or are buff or have a strong jaw, but they are not attractive and sexy to me the way he is. I understand that it is typical of women to find most attractive the men who have the characteristics they are looking for. Beautiful men who open their mouths and say ugly things are ugly. Celebrities hire people to make them physically beautiful and since I’ve never met them, they are not real, so they are not all that attractive. This is how women view men. I think it is wrong, and frankly mean-spirited, for you to call this woman insecure.

  18. 199
    Gina

    To him, I am “good looking” and “pretty” but, say, Angelina Jolie is “hot”, and “beautiful” and I am well… a regular person so I am not, how could I possibly be? He “likes me and finds me attractive”, but by no means am I nearly as good looking as a movie star, and I am crazy to be even comparing myself to them.

    Okay, I at first looked at the Boyfriends comment as insensitive. Of course a woman wants to feel cherished by her man. The way that I perceived her describing herself, it sounds like she doesn’t see much value in herself other than her looks – who cares that you have almost a perfect body? Granted, one of my needs in a relationship is for my Boyfriend to perceive me as pretty, beautiful, attractive, cute – whatever, I do like compliments but the way I perceived it was that the Boyfriend was trying to knock some sense into her by saying “You are crazy to be even comparing yourself to them” … I suppose she feels she does look like those stars and needs someone who feels that way about her. Its one thing if the boyfriend started out of the blue when watching t.v. that Angelina J was so hot and didn’t even compare to her but I don’t think it went down like that, she was probably probing about it and probably making him feel uncomfortable. Although, it’s not too far fetched for her to be beautiful, so I sense there was some friction in the conversation. I wouldn’t even play that game by asking my boyfriend if I was as beautiful as celebrities…

  19. 200
    Happy Person

    Not saying the guy in the original letter was doing this, but just asking in a philosophical way. What does a guy get out of looking at other women he doesn’t “have” and comparing his GF to them? Sounds like unhappy loser behavior to me. And if your BF is doing this and is so unhappy and sees himself as such a loser for being with you, he would be a very unappealing, unattractive partner himself. Quite an ugly partner, in fact.

  20. 201
    Kakay

    Evan, you are so right. I am different than most women in that I am as direct as most men because I ended up hanging out with nothing but guys for several years. I one friend in particular who is obsessed with the celebrities, walks around like she is the hottest thing, and acts like it, and then comes to me and asks me every single time we hang out if I think she is fat, ugly, looks old, or if those pants make her ass look fat. She tries to show me muscle definition on her legs that doesn’t even exist. She is not as hot as she acts like she thinks she is. She is probably a 7.5, but acts like she is a 10. She is really so insecure. And my goodness, I am a female friend, and I get tired of hearing her shallow antics and I am trying to help her become less shallow so that she will find some sort of genuine happiness one day…because she is hitting the wall of misery as we speak. A lot of times, I leave from us hanging out feeling worse than when I did before, and must keep a healthy distance.

    If I were this guy’s girlfriend, I would be so annoyed too. If I was dating some guy and he constantly said hunny, don’t I look like Keanu Reeves, I am so hot! My god I would dump him so fast…well he wouldn’t even make it past the first date if I already saw that side of him. And from her describing her measurements, she is just average. Sorry hunny, you are just average! I am 7 inches taller than you with the same measurements, and I don’t go around boasting that I am america’s next top model, or do I even think in terms like that! I would never ask a man to tell me that I looked like one either. In fact, it would annoy me and I would say “ya know what hun, I would hope that you value my other qualities as much as how you think I look”.

    This girl is way to obsessed with celebrities. Those pictures are all photo shopped anyways. All she values is the way she looks. Yes he boyfriend is mature and not as superficial and wanted the perfect package of looks, intelligence, and personality, and my goodness be flattered that he likes all of you and doesn’t care whether you look like a celebrity or not, and thank the Lord for that! You want some guy who only wants you if you look a certain way, and would dump you if you put on few lbs? Screw that where did you end up with these twisted priorities? Wouldn’t you rather a man love you than see you as just arm candy?!?!

    He probably started retaliating after she constantly begged him to tell her she looked like everyone on tv. You can’t force a man to constantly tell you how hot you are. If you force them it’s just a drain on them, and it’s annoying so he probably finally snapped and said dude give it up you don’t look like them, you are pretty, but you are never going to be Angelina Jolie! And I don’t blame her bf one bit, that shit is so annoying, and and people like that are such a drag to be around. If they are that superficial, like that one girl mentioned above, they need to go find people who are just as vapid as they are, and leave the people with substance and more grounded interests alone because the two types have no long term compatibility in friendships or romantic relationships.
    I can promise you that when a girl like that hangs out with my friends, when she is gone, they start laughing at her. And when that girl finds a meathead guy who tells her she needs to lose weight or work out more, or get boobs to be hotter she takes what he says seriously, thinks he is wonderful and that he such a good influence on her and loves that he told her that. If some guy told me that he would probably get slapped.

    Shallow people need to find each other and go be shallow together. End of story.

  21. 202
    Elizabeth

    In my opinion, men who come across aloof, or indifferent, or “not into you” usually do this as a form of emotional abuse. Quick and easy solution…leave. Leave that situation. A great woman doesn’t deserve a man that doesn’t have the sensitivity to perhaps say “sweetie, I think you are beautiful”. What’s so difficult about being sensitive to your partner, and perhaps occasionally–realizing she has an insecurity–since we all have insecurities at one point or another. It’s not about reading her mind. I don’t believe a man should have to constantly validate her–and remind her that he finds her attractive. But if his actions say it all, and he is attentive, that should be enough. Not sure why any woman would compare themselves to celebrities? or to any other woman for that matter. Makes absolutely no sense. However, it is nice to know your boyfriend finds you beautiful, nothing wrong with that. And especially after a few years of dating. It’s natural to want to be attractive to your partner.

  22. 203
    Parfait_One

    I was originally going to say this guy sounds like a game-player, wanting to keep his hot gf interested & never telling her outright he thinks she’s hot. But after seeing Diana’s second post I realise he was just an insincere sleazebag who was settling for whatever he could get. And she picked up on this, as women often do, and it made her feel insecure. That’s what probably made her say what she said, about being hotter than Angelina Jolie (not ‘the hottest woman in the world’ as some here have been saying). I think ultimately what she said took guts.

    I was once living in a very small community where I suspected racism. It was never blatant so I always doubted my thoughts. Until one day when I was in a car with a woman talking about sunscreen and I happened to mention that my family was always telling me to watch out for sunburn “because of my milky-white skin”. I don’t know why, but that last part was very hard to say. The woman I was saying it to was white, Anglo-Saxon. I am so white I was once asked to play a vampire bride in the school play even with tons of foundation on. But I’m not Anglo. And this woman goes to me, “No, YOU don’t have milky-white skin; you’re olive. MY skin is milky-white.” And she stretched out a pale, freckly arm for me to judge for myself. It was then that I realised I had been right all along about the racism and I was glad I’d had the guts to put myself out there figuratively and subconsciously DEMAND a response to my suspicions. Sometimes you need to make comments like Diana’s in order to find out the truth once and for all. Because the truth is that if her guy was really into her (and I do believe she is a very beautiful girl), he would not only not have had eyes for anyone else, he would have thought Angelina Jolie ugly, as so many men I’ve spoken to whose gfs look completely different to Angelina usually do.

  23. 204
    cat

    I don’t agree with a lot of posters that say Diana is insecure & has low self esteem. I think quite the opposite, she TOLD her bf she was as hot as AJ & she probably is! I think he is the insecure one & that is why he disagreed, to try & knock her down a notch. Sounds like he was dating “up” & she was dating “down”…good for you Diana for leaving him!

  24. 205
    Clare

    I laughed when I read this letter which was written in by Diana. It made me think of myself when I was 18 or so.

    Thankfully I grew up and blessed my good fortune that I was born good looking, but by no means the best looking person on the planet. I know this, and I don’t expect my boyfriend to say that I am. I am quite aware that there are women more beautiful than me. I am in touch enough with reality to know this, why can’t he be?

    The point is, he does find me beautiful, and he makes me feel beautiful. He does love and doesn’t intend to cheat on me or leave me. If the day comes when our relationship becomes dependent on me being the hottest woman in the world, I’ll know that’s a relationship I no longer want to be in.

  25. 206
    Lynn

    There are quite a few things to point out regarding how biased you’re being in your answer Evan.
    - First off I’ve read it over and over again and NEVER does she say that she said “hey honey aren’t I as hot as Angelina Jolie?” So how you assumed that is still beyond me.
    - Second of off you saw nothing wrong with a guy saying that his girlfriend is pretty but AJ is beautiful and she’s crazy to even compare herself. There is something seriously wrong with that. Its something a man should never say period!
    - You automatically ascribed to some pathetic teenaged boy, LA belief that if a woman is on tv she is leagues hotter than everyone else. No I don’t think I’m hotter than AJ, but if a guy told me I couldn’t compare myself to Jennifer Aniston-there would be a problem. Because I am more attractive than JA! Flat out- and the fact that she’s on tv doesn’t make that statement an impossibility. Frankly I work in a place where celebrities come in almost daily and I am almost always more attractive than these women in real life-get compliments from them regularly as a matter of fact. Not saying that would be the case with AJ but please don’t say it’s absurd for “normal” women to compare themselves to celebs. That’s your definition of mature? My definition of mature is knowing celebs are smoke and mirrors and aren’t so perfect you can’t compare. I disagree that a man who doesn’t realize that a celeb is a normal woman (within reason some are actually gorgeous) is somehow mature.
    - You have no idea what this girl looks like so how are you deciding that it was ridiculous for her to get mad that she was given such an answer?
    - You suggested that the supposedly male way of doing things bluntly was correct rather than tactless. Amazing! You also forgot that along with being less blunt women lie to their significant others. ALL THE TIME! And there are idiot men on here making comments about not caring about their looks. Well there are other things men care about that we lie about just to make our men feel good and yes we’re entitled to the same sometimes. Most of the time the fact is: no you were not as good in bed as I claimed, yes I would like it if you made more money, yes I faked an orgasm last night, yes your penis could be a bit bigger, I DO miss that guy I dated in college that could last for hours, yes you gained weight and its turning me off.
    A few years ago I started being as “honest” to my boyfriends as they were to me and let me tell you it did not go over well! So don’t even try that crap about men being more honest. They’re honest, they’re also used to us stroking their ego so again if they have to do it sometimes that’s just part of a relationship.

    If this girl said “hey honey do you think I’m hotter than AJ” and he tactfully said something like Fiona suggested or even got annoyed and flat out said he didn’t, you would be spot on with your response. But there is no evidence that that happened and so this is complete crap.

    1. 206.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      @Lynn #217 “If this girl said “hey honey do you think I’m hotter than AJ” and he tactfully said something like Fiona suggested or even got annoyed and flat out said he didn’t, you would be spot on with your response. But there is no evidence that that happened and so this is complete crap.”

      Diana #154 “To clarify how the conversation went: I never asked my (now ex) b/f if I was hotter than AJ. I stated it, saying something like “yeah I am just as hot as she is” – to which he responded “what are you crazy?” and I said “excuse me?” and then the whole conversation how I am not that hot but pretty enough ensued.”

  26. 207
    JSYA

    I have been lucky enough to have been really in love twice in my life and I can honestly say that, although society may not have chose those men as being #1 most physically attractive, I most certainly would have, and it’s not just because I am viewing them as “the whole package”, personality included, it is because to me they are most attractive. My first love once told me unsolicited that I was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen, met, or imagined, and I know in my heart that he felt it. I love the way I look and have been told many times that I am beautiful, but am I the most beautiful in the world? I don’t know- I would expect ,however, the man I love to believe that I am the most beautiful because beauty is subjective and because if I loved him, I would find him most handsome. For example, I believe Angelina Jolie is very beautiful, however many men I know think Jennifer Aniston is better looking…to me, Jennifer Aniston is plain and nowhere near as beautiful as Angelina-but what do I know? everyone has a different perception of what is beautiful, and every woman deserves to be “most beautiful” to the man she loves.

  27. 208
    chnlove

    If this girl said “hey honey do you think I’m hotter than AJ” and he tactfully said something like Fiona suggested or even got annoyed and flat out said he didn’t, you would be spot on with your response. But there is no evidence that that happened and so this is complete crap.

  28. 209
    ulrike

    I’ve read a lot on your page and in most cases you give very good advise, but in this case I believe you got it completely wrong. By telling Diana she is not as hot as Angelina, Diana would naturally understand that she is worth less then the actress and that her boyfriend would leave her if Angelina ever gave him a chance. I doubt her boyfriend meant it that way. He was probably simply comparing body form in inches or whatever. If a man told me that some famous person is better looking than me (unless he mentions in the same sentence that he prefers me nevertheless)  I’d kick up a fuss and make sure he understands that this really hurts my feelings. I am not the most beautiful person on the planet, and yet….I want my boyfriend to think that I am. Because in this society beauty in a woman represents value, sad but simple. No woman wants to feel second best!

  29. 210
    Tory

    It’s interesting how each gender projects their own ideas into this argument, including Evan. I don’t know how the conversation went down, but it’s sounds stupid and definitely not worth a break-up the type of thing you fake pout about and laugh to let the guy know you didn’t really care that much. When a guy tells me “You’re so pretty, I don’t know why you’re with me.” I’m not going to say, “It’s not your looks I can tell you that.” (although that is really fun to say) I’m going to say, “Are you kidding? You’re just as hot as I am.” I don’t care if it’s the truth, and I don’t really give a damn about their feelings, but if they’re going to continue the whole relationship thinking in the back of their head that I’m more attracted to everyone else then the relationship is not going to work, trust me on that. BTW Angelina Jolie looks like a scarecrow and has pancake boobs, and that doesn’t make me pathetic. It’s the truth. Ask any guy who actually has a brain.

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