I’m Dating A Passive Beta Male. Is His Behavior Normal?

I’m Dating A Passive Beta Male. Is His Behavior Normal?

Hi Evan,

I love your blog and Why He Disappeared. It can be a tough pill to swallow at times, but I appreciate your no-nonsense advice. I’ve had to learn the hard way, that my “go-getter” attitude does not translate well in the dating world. Not doing anything in the beginning stages of dating tends to drive me crazy.

I’ve been dating a beta-male for about a month and a half. He’s a total sweetheart and for the first time in a long time, I feel very safe. He’s kind, attentive and affectionate- when we’re together. He communicates with me daily, mostly through text message, to which I always respond warmly.

Here’s where I’m struggling: I find myself wanting to take over and take control with him sometimes (planning things mostly). I am resisting this urge as I’m trying out your mirroring concept.

My question: We’re texting everyday, but he’ll wait FOREVER, (in actuality, 5-7 days) before asking to see me again. What gives? Is this a downside of dating a typical beta (i.e., no initiative) or is he just not that interested in me? Do I continue to utilize patience or should I move on?

Thanks, Evan!
-Michelle 

Dear Michelle,

Thanks for reading “Why He Disappeared – The Smart, Strong, Successful Woman’s Guide to Understanding Men and Keeping the Right One Hooked Forever”. Glad it turned on a few light bulbs in helping you realize how a few of your behaviors have been ineffective in forging a relationship with a man.

But I have to say that if I had to write the whole thing again, I would have taken a few pages to put in a caveat:

This advice doesn’t work for every single woman in every single situation with every single guy. Basically, WHD was written for alpha females who want to date alpha males. It was a way to open your eyes about how the men you’re the MOST attracted to don’t necessarily want to date you in return.

While you’ve adjusted your take-charge attitude, you haven’t adjusted for the fact that you’re NOT dating a take-charge guy.

And in the absence of giving yourself an entire personality-ectomy, the smartest thing you can do is a) be aware of some of your tendencies to dominate and b) find a partner who is cool with them.

You, apparently, have done both of those things, Michelle.  But while you’ve adjusted your take-charge attitude, you haven’t adjusted for the fact that you’re NOT dating a take-charge guy.

Take charge guys are the ones who will always follow up quickly, make plans, make the first move, and claim you as their girlfriends.

Beta guys are the ones who have more kindness than confidence. They’re not nearly as assertive. They’re so passive as to be, well, almost feminine in nature. They are not going to put themselves on the line for rejection until it’s 100% clear that you like them. They would sooner wait to get a written notice in the mail that you’re really, truly interested in them than to follow up too much and potentially make you uncomfortable.

Is any of this hitting home, my friend?

So you’re not wrong to curb a little bit of that domineering side. Where you’ve gone astray is that when you’re with a beta male, you’re ALLOWED to be more alpha. “Doing nothing” as I describe in WHD works with take-charge guys because those guys don’t need you to take charge. Your new guy DOES.

The good news is that, if he’s a true beta, he’ll be THRILLED that you’re taking control.

So instead of extrapolating my advice to apply to every man, make an adjustment based on the man you’re actually dating. The good news is that, if he’s a true beta, he’ll be THRILLED that you’re taking control.

When you’re done reading this, give him a call to find out if he’s around this weekend. You’d like to cook him dinner. I suspect that’s all you’ll need to seduce him into becoming your boyfriend. And if, in fact, he’s just not that into you, you’ll figure that out quickly, too.

For all of the women who are reading this who would not be able to tolerate such behavior from your guy and prefer a take-charge man, do yourself a favor and pick up a copy of “Why He Disappeared”. You’ll be very glad you did.

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Comments:

  1. 91
    Jeff

    Just to make it clear, nearly ALL pack/troop mammals follow the alpha, beta, omega rule (note there is no “other” type as many men try to ID themselves as like gamma or zeta thats just people trying to be “special”). In the human world only 20% of the population is “alpha” the rest are beta/omegas. Then you must apply the “Pareto principle“, (google it). In the past the Beta was the majority of marrying men (followed rules, took care of details, built the cities/bridges) as women were more reliant on their earning power and protection. The “modern” world after the rise after the rise of the “modern woman” caused men that appealed to female hypergamy (normally the “alphas”) to become the “wanted mate” by women. This combined with the loss of male identity, due to boys from the 70’s onward, being forced to defer to women authority figures has lead to “super passive”, aka passive beta/omega, males being te majority in north america. Frankly its a case of sleep in the bed you made. Ok now please direct your hate filled replies towards me as i’m sure i ruffled a few feathers. Truly, Jeff

     

  2. 92
    Evan

    Beta female he was an alpha, he had options you didnt.

  3. 93
    Princess

    This is awesome. I’m used to dating alpha males and we often times butt heads and the relationship gets too intense. So after my last relationship ended I told myself enough of trying to take charge. I’m going to sit back and be the feminine girl that I am. So after dating a series of frogs I came across the sweetest guy ever. It took us 4 weeks to kiss and that’s because I initiated it. It was magical. He is not my “type” but at my age I’ve realized that if I have a “type” I maybe single forever. This guy is so “perfect” for me but he hardly initiates anything. The first two dates he did. he is very respectful but I really get frustrated sometimes. He can’t cook and he cooked me dinner after I offered to cook him dinner. He also communicates mostly via text messages. Because I am so used to guys being aggressive I find myself asking if this man is really into me or not. This article really helps. 

  4. 94
    Joe

    Beta males are a disease that need to be extinguished. Hitler was onto something by creating the ultimate race.

    1. 94.1
      starthrower68

      You are kidding, right?

  5. 95
    Claudia

    I read this but never comment but I had to jump in on this one. I’ve dated those alphas and being an alpha myself it never worked. Evan always says men don’t want a clone. Well, I don’t either! recently started dating a wonderful and sweet ‘beta’ guy. He’s a great complement for my dominant personality and appreciates my strength. But he’s also an outgoing, charismatic, confident guy and when the moment calls for it has no problem engaging his alpha side. He’s a perfect mix of both and if you can find that guy, nab him!

  6. 96
    Fay

    I was married to a Beta energy man for 24 years and eventually left him as I was TIRED  from driving the marriage. I know I might sound like a martyr when I say this, but seriously if I didn’t make the decisions along the way, we would be still living with his parents. I yearned to have him recognise my being so tired from juggling FT work, PT study, 3 kids and home….but his life revolved around what he wanted to do and if seemed reluctant to ever put himself out for his family including me. I felt like I was a chore to him. I married young and was easily won over by his looks…and not his charm and I had no clue about relationships. I felt trapped and honoured my commitment to him as being wife and mother to our children. Even for valentines day or our 10 year anniversary, he didn’t organise anything as he didn’t want to spend the money. We weren’t broke so who knows why he did what he did. He had it all but ignored my cries for him to help me and to share the load in life.

  7. 97
    Denis

    There is a book that suggest that alpha woman should go for beta man. Is that really effective? I don’t know but just to let you know. be careful about what advice you can get online. It can contradict one to an other. Just be yourself and go for what you really like not for what other would like you to like.

  8. 98
    Lin

    Im dating a man like this, don’t know if he is lazy or just a beta. He always says he wants to see me, if I agree, he tells me so what are the plans… Im the one who has to plan the date. Also, a few times not in advance,today he did it again. Im tired of it, told him sorry don’t feel like it, you should have planned something in advance, don’t think he liked my message…

  9. 99
    Kim

    Run…run as fast as you can. Just kidding (sort of). I ended up with a Beta husband and it is often not a good thing. I find it a challenge for me personally because I really needed an alpha male. I didn’t know these intricacies of dating many, many years ago. I find myself being very angry at my husband for not taking more of a lead in our house. I end up taking the lead nine times out of ten and at times it’s exhausting. It may sound archaic to some, but I really do prefer a strong man to take care of me. Beta’s are more feminine too. Not something that appeals to me personally but it has taught me to get things done and I’m a stronger woman for it. I just wish I didn’t always have to be.

  10. 100
    Frank

    This is ridiculous. Only the modern women choose a beta male instead of an alpha male, because beta males are what alpha males are not: HUMANS with FEELINGS and not afraid of SHOWING them. The beta male is just someone who doesn’t try to live up to stereotypical standards of what a man is or isn’t. It’s ridiculous this jargon about “How to be a man and man up”. It’s ridiculous and it’s killing men in a rapid speed. Do you understand why men kill themselves 3 times more than women? Because both women and men don’t let men be who they want to be, instead both women and men puts up this huge wall about “How to be a man and to man up”. Please, learn some sense! And let men be beta males and cry and be feminine as much as they want to. And DO date these men! Because they are the only ones that are humane! And the ones that will truly take care of you and never ever be assholes to you.

  11. 101
    ThisGuy

    This whole Alpha/Beta thing is kind of funny and, I think, a bit simplistic and incorrect for the most part.

    It sounds more like the guy is interested but doesn’t want to put in a huge amount of effort for whatever reason. And that sounds a bit more Alpha, right? (If I have to use those terms) Isn’t not giving a fuck more of an Alpha thing?

    Or maybe he’s just busy, lazy about you, not that interested, his grandma died, he’s talking to multiple women, he doesn’t want to spend the money, he’d rather get stoned, he’d rather play squash? The truth is, you don’t know him well enough to know why.

    Anyway, though. If you want the guy to make plans, etc. and he doesn’t, then don’t go out with him. I would just say it’s not a good match rather than using these very odd terms of Alpha & Beta.

    The way this post, the comments and, I assume, this website paint the Alpha male, is as an outgoing guy, who has his life together, has a career, takes the initiative to plan things, and makes moves sexually. That’s not an Alpha/Beta thing, it’s just dating 101. It’s a Man/Woman thing.

    What the author, Evan, is doing here is trying to boost the woman’s self-esteem and help women convince themselves they are attracted to men who act the way they’d like a man to act, a way that makes them feel good. And that’s great! By thinking the guy who doesn’t make plans is a “beta”, it helps you view him as weak and less attractive. And that makes it easier for you to move on. In that case, you left because he wasn’t good enough, not because you weren’t good enough for him. And that’s also good. The less insecurity there is out there, the better for everyone.

    But, don’t get too wrapped up in the Alpha/Beta thing. Honestly, it’s nonsense. People are just people. Rise above the bullshit and you’ll be ok. Just think about what you want, what you want to give and take it on a case by case basis.

  12. 102
    Mermaid

    To the OP.. He’s just not that interested. He probably has several women on the go and picks the best offer on the table Meanwhile keeping you on the hook. If he was really into you, he would be proposing living together or marriage by now not wanting to let you slip away. i think you are wasting your precious time with this man if you plan on having children.

  13. 103
    rickyzg

    Oh people are you all deluded, there isn’t such thing as beta, alpha, gama, omega, zeta. There is only :  Baby, Boy, Man.  If he doesn’t become man  is some respective older years then he is still boy. If someone likes boy be with a boy, if not find a man.

  14. 104
    Amanda

    This is a really helpful article, as it sounds exactly like the new guy in my life. While I’m not interested in someone who’s super aggressive, I have puzzled by his affectionate but somewhat cautious behavior. I’ll just go and see how it feels. 

  15. 105
    Dan

    I’m a beta male, and I can give you some advice.

    First, don’t change yourself, and don’t figure on him changing:
    He is who he is, don’t figure on making him become more outgoing or more assertive. And maybe he’s looking for an alpha female. Be yourself, if you’re outgoing then keep being outgoing. That might be what he finds appealing in you. If he has a habit that you don’t like and you force him to change it, it will only be temporary. The real him will come out again months or years later, and he’ll hold it against you that you tried to change him. If it’s that big of a deal, maybe he’s not the right one for you.

    Don’t assume, just ask:
    If you have any questions, just ask him. Don’t sit there and worry and think to yourself “What if he doesn’t really like me?” “Should I be passive or assertive?” Just bring it up and ask him.

    Make the first move:
    If you want to go out more often, ask him out. I’ve been in many relationships where we’ll go out once or twice, but it seems like she isn’t that interested so it just stops and that’s it. Beta males don’t put in the effort if it seems like it’s not going to go anywhere. Show interest in him, and he’ll probably show it back. (I know, females expect to be pursued, but it doesn’t work that way with a beta male.)

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