Is There Something Wrong With a Man in His 40s Who Has Never Been Married Before?

Is Thee Something Wrong With a Man in His 40s Who Has Never Been Married Before

I’m currently speaking with a guy from Yahoo personals, he’s 42 and still single, never been engaged… This is a big red flag right? We have been talking for the past month and a half via the phone, I’m in Minneapolis, and he’s in Chicago. We have great long conversations, many that last 5 hours long, he’s commented how great our conversations are. He’s attractive too. How do I know if he’s just another “nice-player”? They are slick today. It seems many are online with no intention of getting serious… I just told him that it’s wild we have great chemistry but we could meet in person and realize that we are not physically each other’s type. To me, as naive as I am, I’d like to think he is not a “player” trying to work me over because we have these long conversations with a lot of depth to them. Our emails were very long to begin with too. Please give me some perspective and advice on this situation.
 Kate

Dear Kate,

You’ve got four different questions going on here.

There is “How do I know if it’s worth it to try a long distance relationship?”

There is “I don’t want to be the victim of a nice-player in a long distance relationship.”

There is “I’m falling for a guy that I’ve never met but have talked to on the phone for 6 weeks”.

Is there something wrong with a man in his 40’s that has never been married? My answer is predictable: Yes… and No.

If you read the above links, your dreams will be summarily dashed – not because he’s necessarily a player, but because the odds of ANY relationship working are slim, the odds of an ONLINE relationship working are slimmer, and the odds of a LONG-DISTANCE online relationship are the slimmest – especially when you haven’t even, um, y’know, MET yet.

That said, the part of your question which really intrigues me is the “red flag” question:

Is there something wrong with a man in his 40’s that has never been married?

My answer is predictable: Yes… and No.

This is where I would make an argument that stereotypes exist for a reason. The unhealthy part of stereotyping is not necessarily the stereotype itself, but the assumption that ALL people in the category fit the stereotype.

Thus, if you have preconceived notions about gorgeous people, rich people, short people, gay people, Irish people, etc – those notions probably came from SOMEWHERE. They’re not pure fabrications.

Jewish people like playing Twister on the lawn is a fabrication.

Jewish people are often highly educated and highly neurotic is not.

Are we together on this one? Good.

So there’s the stereotype of the forty-something bachelor – and it’s a valid one. He’s a player. He’s a Peter Pan. He’s a commitmentphobe. He’s too picky. He’s emotionally unavailable. He’s a heartbreaker. He’s unrealistic.

All of those things are likely contributing factors as to why a man might be 42 and never married.

So now you’re faced with this very real dilemma – is this man a victim of circumstance, or is he the common denominator in all of his relationship failures?

But what if he was living with a woman for seven years who didn’t believe in traditional marriage? What if he was in a three-year relationship with a woman who cheated on him? What if he was once ready to propose and she ended up breaking his heart? What if he spent five years in a dead-end relationship and has had difficulty getting back out there? What if – god forbid – he made a bunch of bad dating decisions and just hasn’t met “the one”? (Hey, all of us want to think that about ourselves – let’s just say for argument’s sake that it’s true!)

So now you’re faced with this very real dilemma – is this man a victim of circumstance, or is he the common denominator in all of his relationship failures?

And I think it would be very easy, and coldly logical, to say BOTH.

This doesn’t mean you should enter into a relationship with a forty-something bachelor with the expectation of failure.

It does, however, mean that he didn’t become a forty-something bachelor by making great decisions in love.

Click here to learn the 5 Massive Mistakes You’re Making In Your Love Life – And How to Turn Them Around Instantly!

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Comments:

  1. 151
    Mickey

    Yeah, we’re nothing but uncouth, unkempt,  maladjusted cavemen. Being that we’re obviously being written off here, why exactly should any guy in this demographic (myself included) have any kind of positive attitude?

  2. 152
    Bill T

    Mickey #151:   Yeah, no kidding eh?  It’s a bit rich to expect every person to be married by 40 – heck, I think someone on this message board said something about being in New York City, and almost everyone younger than 50 seems to be single.  It’s not always a matter of choice – for some people in some circumstances, it can be really, really tough to find a person, let alone the right person.

  3. 153
    Lizzy

    I think you guys are missing the point.  The unmarried almost 50 year old men that we’re talking about are set in their ways. They have had plenty of chances to be married. The guy that I dated had had several significant relationships, but couldn’t pull the trigger. We were engaged and sent out invitations and he called me on the phone and ended our relationship. He said he was just ‘wasn’t ready’ for marriage and an “instant family” (I have two children). We’d known each other since high school and reunited. He left me with tons of wedding bills and legal bills to relocate my children to another state. It’s not like he didn’t know that I had children. They are very well-behaved and smart kids too, who grew attached to him. We just never saw him again since the phone call and he didn’t want to talk about it.Meanwhile, he just moved on.  
    When I look back, there were lots of red flags that I ignored. He had a way of doing everything though from making his coffee in the morning to putting away the iron. Everything had to be done his way, or it was “wrong.”  He tried to ‘teach” me his way and would berate me if I didn’t want to learn his “way.” When you live with someone for a length of time, you realize that there are different ways of doing things, not wrong ways. You tend to be more flexible. Guys who have not been married don’t seem to know this. His longest live-in relationship was 8 months. She ended moving out because she said he was impossible to live with. They remained friends and we had to double date with her.  
    That was also very odd.  He also kept all of his friends with benefits and insisted that double-date with us. When we broke up, he turned to them right away for “comfort.”  I realized that this was his way of never getting married. He kept a stable of women who would give him sex and friendship so that when the relationship did go sour, as it always did because he would eventually find something wrong, he would just turn to them and move along.  
    He never wanted to have children, never wanted to pay for another person (he was extremely frugal), thought that men who were married should give their money to their “families” instead of their spouses and children if they died unexpectedly.  When one of his friends died unexpectedly, he couldn’t believe that his friend willed his savings to his widow and small child instead of his family because he said, she’d only known him for 5 years!  They were married and had a baby that she was left with all alone to raise.  That didn’t phase him.
    It’s that kind of selfishness that I am talking about and I think most of the other women are talking about.  This kind of single, almost 50-year old also tends to either live with their mother or have such close family ties that there’s no room for a woman to fit it.  They have their life and they don’t make room for someone else.

    1. 153.1
      40neverkissed

      You lump all 40+  unmarrieds together.

  4. 154
    marymary

    Lizzy
    If you avoid older men you’re left with the younger men who don’t seem to be rushing to commit either! Understandably, we want to avoid being disappointed (to put it mildly) but we may be focusing on the wrong things. It can strike regardless of their age, income, relationship history or education.
    I don’t have the answer to this btw but I think the ironing etc. is minor compared to the women on rotation. 
    Sounds like a hideous experience. 

  5. 155
    Marie

    I had an in depth conversation about this phenomenon when I was dating a never married 44 yo man (before I met my fiancé).  This bf behaved very much like Lizzy’s post and I was very confused.  On the one hand he talked about wanting to get married and have kids but never meeting the right person and focusing too much on building his career.  But then it seemed like he had a string of relationships and always managed to find something wrong.  He said the girl initially always seemed “perfect” but then she turned out to have all these flaws.  He would keep all these exes around as potential FWB however.  He was also very set in his ways.  If you did things differently he would lecture you as being wrong rather than accept there were just different ways of doing things.  I began to suspect that it wasn’t just the other women who were “crazy” but that he was difficult to live with.  He had all these ideas of what marriage is like and they all had to do with losing one’s identity, money, and personal space.  I ended up breaking up.  We remained friends.  I think deep down he just wasn’t someone who was suited for marriage and I think he would do himself good if he just came to terms with that instead of dating women and telling them he wanted marriage when he really didn’t.  He agreed with me and said he couldn’t understand why he kept finding fault with women he got serious with but he did.  I asked him if any of his friends (who were all 40 something never married men) would be good for me to date and he looked horrified and said no, they all have issues worse than me!  They’re single for a reason!!
     
    Well, anyways I’m not saying that never married 40 and up men are defective but that some of them may not really want to get married and give up their ways or personal space deep down but they may not have come to terms with it yet.  Like any venture you have to realize the risks and decide for yourself if he’s worth it.

  6. 156
    marymary

    Marie
    Good point. However before they were 40 and didn’t want to get married, they were 30 and didn’t want to get married. It’s not their age, it’s in them. What’s a girl to do? I guess – don’t date men who have a negative view of marriage or relationships. They are fairly easy to spot (look at this blog!), but by the time you have feelings for them it’s hard to see it.  It IS confusing.
    As for “This bf behaved very much like Lizzy’s post” – yeah, they do have a pattern even though they think they’re so unique. but then don’t we all.

  7. 157
    Lizzy

    MaryMary,
    You make a good point. The women on rotation was a horrible experience, but I also realized that over time, his constant criticism of me would damage my self-esteem.  Coupled with his flirting with any hot thing in front of me, the constant negative critique of whatever I did would take a toll.  I have a Ph.D. so not a stupid woman by any stretch, yet he would make me doubt myself.  
    He also called all of his ex girlfriends “crazy,” and like Marie, I realized that it wasn’t them so much as he was so difficult. He made you feel crazy.  He did that whole “gaslighting” thing where’d he’d do something outrageous and then treat you like it was you who had the problem. For instance, he had a party at his house once and invited his family and “friends.” Turned out all of his “friends”  that he invited were women he’d slept with.  I was so uncomfortable because he flirted with them in front of me. I should have ended things then, but I was so in love with him, I just ignored the red flag.   Another time, I went to a holiday party at his work place. His old girlfriend (he worked with her) saved us a seat with her new guy (who also worked there).  After about 10 minutes, I realized that all of the women sitting at our table were his friends with benefits at work.  Again, I felt so uncomfortable. He left me at the table and went off to talk to more of them.  The old girlfriend, who was now a friend of the family too (they invited her to all family events), told me that he always disappeared and left his dates and that’s one of the reasons she broke up with him.  He was never attentive.  She also told me that he was “odd” and then proceeded to tell me that many of the gay men at work hit on him.  
    Later, I often wondered if his inability to commit had to do with some latent homosexual issues and she was trying to give me a hint.  Was he a guy on the down-low?  I never knew for sure, but he’s the only guy I knew who got super excited about being hit on by a gay guy and even went out to dinner and rode in a limo with a guy at a conference who hit on him.  It was either that or he was a narcissist who loved attention, any attention…from men or women.  
     
    Hard to say really. He always had walls up.  In sum, whatever the reason he was emotionally unavailable and whatever the case, ended our engagement in the most insensitive ways and left me with the majority of the bills for the huge wedding he wanted. I just wanted a small, intimate wedding, but he insisted on a big wedding so he could invite all of his old girlfriends.  
     
    The more distance I get from the entire relationship, the clearer I see that he did me a huge favor by ending things.  Now I am very cautious about dating any never-been-married men approaching 50.  

    1. 157.1
      Larz0

      Lizzy, you’re doing  yourself a huge disfavor.   You dated this one guy who sounds like King of the Jerks, and now you’re going to cut yourself off from a major portion of your eligible dating market.   As terrible as that guy was, a big part of the problem was you!  Why did you put up with all of that?  Until you know  how to recognize good men from any age bracket, it would be best to  just concentrate on your children and stay single.

      It wasn’t his age — it was his character! Until you learn to recognize good men and demonstrate self-worth by avoiding all others, you should steer clear of men from all age brackets.

  8. 158
    Mark

    @Clare #145
    “”They are all uncommittable, afraid of intimacy, overly independent or selfish to some degree””
    I am able to sum up these character traits that you describe in two words……”SELF PRESERVATION”

  9. 159
    Mark

    @Steve
     
    “”Who are the men it is possible for you to date? Single never married men or single divorced men. There are no other possibilities.””
     
    Thank you!…….You just “corrected” all the delusional thinking that is going on here.The “rationalization hamster” is running amok!!!!! 

  10. 160
    michael1_4

    I commented a long time ago on this site. Since there’s no dates on any of the posts I have no idea how long ago it was, maybe a year ago. At the time I said a lot of men don’t get married in their 20s or 30s because they just don’t want to and its crazy to think there’s something wrong with a guy that just wanted to enjoy his 20s and 30s without having to worry about commitments. I still believe that. I guess what I would add to this now is that if marriage is your goal there is always someone looking to get married at any age. For men I admit its much easier. Swing a stick and you’ll hit 50 women looking to get married. Lol. But even for women, if you keep yourself in shape and have a good attitude (don’t be a downer)  there are many men out there looking to get married after 40.

  11. 161
    hunter

    @160,
     
    …How true!!men will pay if the bootie is in shape…!!

  12. 162
    Lizzy

    @hunter & @michael1_4:  The booty can be in shape.  This late 40s booty is a size 4 and runs 3 miles a day.  I am a 36-26-36… and I get hit on by guys in their late 20s and early 30s.  I have a great attitude and am a lot of fun…that wasn’t my ex’s complaint.  The other woman he left abruptly after he asked her to move in with him was a former professional cheerleader who still cheered. She was also gorgeous and in great shape, a really great person too.  I ended up finding her and she shared a similar story with me. 
    That’s not the point here…the guys we are talking about are men who lead women to believe they plan to marry them, but the back out or keep them hanging for several years. These guys always find something wrong with the woman… there’s always something wrong with everyone. I don’t think there’s any man or woman who is perfect. You have to want to make a commitment. You can be the perfect 10 and every guy’s dream in your attitude, but that will not prevent a guy who is afraid of real commitment from backing out at the last minute. 

  13. 163
    hunter

    #162Lizzy,
    “keep them hanging for several years”…….I was told, when a woman stays with a man more than one year, “she” doesn’t want to get married……the few women I have met have been very smart, bright and intelligent…

  14. 164
    hunter

    @162lizzy,
     
    ..It would seem as if the size 4, late 40’s booty, getting hit on by younger men, could stay busy, if she wanted to…
     
     

  15. 165
    Trust the truth1st

    Curly Girl on #58, You stated that he does speak kindly of one day getting married. I am not saying this is the case for this particular man but all of the men over 40 that I counsel that has never been married have a fear of commitment. They all tell the women they are dating that they want to one day get married in order to string them along. Men afraid of commitment are the nicest guys, therefore they are the hardest to spot. In addition, some men that are afraid of commitment will indeed marry but will emotionally leave you and you will feel alone in that type of marriage. I counsel numerous men that are afraid of commitment and this particular type does not want to change. Some will string a woman along for 10+ years. When they are with you, they are thinking of some woman in the past but if they went back to her they will be thinking of you. They are always living in the past.

    1. 165.1
      j

      Wow I bet you have some interesting stories! I have almost never seen this type of guy marry or or get serious. In my experience they do appear nice or at least some do but when you scratch the surface deeper they can show a real mean streak that takes your breath away. It seems they dont like to let someone down gently when they change their mind and their lack of accountability, tact or compassion for the woman is just not there. I believe they prefer to live from afar so they can achieve perfection and not deal in reality. And I’m sorry but there is a big ass hole factor too. The one who took me for a ride and admitted he knew he was an ass but in 2 seconds turn around and blame me . Im married now but if ever single again  would never deal with this type again. Widowed, divorced anything but an older never married. If other woman can handle power to them.

  16. 166
    judy

    Michael 11 – stay away from divorcees? Fantastic.  Maybe you prefer a woman who is married and cheating? Because that exists too.  Or a woman who is in a marriage and who is bored.  She’s still married, right?
    If anyone is reading that married women all cheat, that is not what I’m saying.
    But geez, if a woman divorces, she can make a mistake, can’t she?
     
    Ditto the guy.  If he hasn’t been married, maybe he lived with someone and it didn’t work out.  No wedding ring. 
    It isn’t always the guy’s fault or the woman’s fault if a relationship goes wrong. 
    What IS true is that sometimes we don’t see a lousy relationship before we go into it – as in, shit, I’m not compatible with him, once the wedding ring is on.  (Been there, done that).

  17. 167
    John Morgan

    Based on your “rules,” the probably of my existence would fall somewhere around 1/4,000,000. Honestly, your writeup is comical. These kind of stereotypes make it harder for all single men. I suggest you write about something else. John, way over 40, never married, highly successful, straight, Christian man.

  18. 168
    joe

    I’m an average to above average looking man and am kind, affectionate, compassionate, giving person. I’m a buddhist,  and I don’t drink, take drugs, or beat up on women…basically I’ve been described as a gentle, kind, and spiritual person. As I reflect back at previous relationships, I was cheated on twice by two different women, and was told by one that what she needed was a “Real Man.” Not being able to understand my misfortune with women, the “dots” finally became connected when I read an article about a disabled man that was dropped by his lady companion…she boldly told him that what she needed was a “Real Man.” Yes, I also have a disability. Sad to say, but being a person with all the noble character traits that some women look for is not sufficient. When I meet a woman that looks interesting…I’m tempted to converse with her, but hesitate…long enough to lose the opportunity.  Thoughts of…well, she’s probably looking for a Real Man…a man that’s not physically disabled….what chance do I have…slim to nothing. I’ve basically accepted my singleness and with the obvious conclusion that I’ll probably never be able to find a woman that accepts a man with a slight disability.

  19. 169
    hunter

    @joe#168,
    …study bedroom techniques….around here, we don’t give up on anything….

  20. 170
    Ronnie

    The “red flag” assumption is an instant, major turn-off to me, when it comes to many women’s thoughts about never-married 40+ year-old men.  As a never-married 40 year-old, currently single man, I’d argue that bachelor men of our age are clearly not a monolithic bunch—any more than married or unmarried women of the same age.  The ‘red flag’ fears are, in many cases, a reflection of many women’s own various relationship insecurities; the constant (peer/societal) pressures they confront in finding a man, and ‘settling down’, have kids, before time runs out, etc..Sure, I concede the author’s point that some of the lasting stereotypes about bachelors over 40 have some substance to them.  Then again, any gender/demographic can be ascribed with generalities like the ones used to lazily, and often unfairly characterise the never-married man over 40.  I reckon many such men are often very direct and honest about their intentions in romantic relationships like these—without women having to guess and wonder, or worse, harshly judging and mischaracterising these bachelors in their 40s.  The onus is on women to judge and decide what they are doing with, and what they are seeking  in a bachelor man of that age.  If he isn’t looking to (ever) marry, maybe he should steer clear of the woman who’s only really gunning for marriage. 

  21. 171
    Me

    I’m 58, neither handsome nor ugly, not a player, and am definitely straight, and have never come close to being married. 
    The reality is that I’m pretty much a loner who simply has little interest in dating or relationships. I go years between dates, and don’t really feel like I’ve missed much at all. Every relationship I’ve ever been in has been so stressful that I’m generally relieved once it finally ends. What’s so ironic is that nearly all my closest friends are women, so getting along with them has never really been an issue. 
    So I can say from personal experience that there are men who simply don’t care about dating or being married. In my case, it’s simply not important to me.

    1. 171.1
      hunter

      …true, if you go years between dates, you won’t feel like being married…for some men it takes many relationships before they destress….some couples are not married….

  22. 172
    Unwanted

    Speaking from a 48 year old unmarried man’s experience. Some men are unwanted. There is not a damn thing one can do about it.  Society has its rules and if you rebel and are a conservative man with moral values,your left out to dry because your considered boring. I know all too well…

    1. 172.1
      starthrower68

      Lol! Seriously? That’s my kinda guy! But I’m prolly not good enough. I think I’ve got pretty much every strike against me. :-D

  23. 173
    Adam

    There is nothing wrong with not dating or having sex. I myself am married and I had sex once since married but only that one time. That was 46+ years ago, since my early 20s I’ve had no interest in sex, intimacy, sleeping with another person is disgusting. Physically I’m a normal guy got all the right stuff in my body for sex, but I don’t mentally. My wife and I haven’t associated with each other for just about all 46 years, and to me that’s no big deal . We live on the same piece of property but two different buildings.

  24. 174
    Dan

    Well, to tell you the truth, there are a lot of reasons a guy might still be unmarried at 42. Now, I am 31, and I’ll describe myself briefly; 6 ft tall, black hair, blue eyes, in good physical shape, no addictions, etc, never been married, no kids. I have been told I have model quality looks, and I make a decent amount of money (apx. 40k a year) as a waiter. Being single with no kids, that is a good income.
    Until about three years ago, I had no real desire to get married– or even get into a serious relationship. In addition to not being married, I have never dated anyone longer than 2 months- and the last relationship I was involved in was in 2007. That makes my situation even stranger.  Most people, even those whom have not been married, have usually been in a yearlong or longer relationship by the age of 22 or so.
    Part of it is I expect from someone else what I expect from myself. And they fit into the following:
    1— I will not date or marry someone who has been divorced. While half of people go through that, why should I- a person without this experience?- deal with the baggage from that. Not only that, but since I have not been through it, no, I don’t know what it’s like.
    2— I have dated women with children before, -but-, never again. Two reasons for this; one is I actually like kids, and I get attached to them. So when things end, it is hard on them. Second thing is, while so many single moms want to get remarried, etc, they do not really want the new man to be a dad to those kids. Sure, they want the guy to spend his money on their kids, drive their kids places, etc, but then when these same children have a disciplinary problem, the first thing (from both mother and child) is “You aren’t my/their father.” Not to mention, if the real dad is around to any degree, he will (at best) compete with me, and (at worst- especially if he hasn’t moved on) do everything he can to stir up these children against me. After all, if the mom splits up with me, then he can swoop back into the picture, right?
    Ladies, don’t get me wrong. I have nothing against single moms, but the fact is, I literally read dozens of profiles a week on different websites, etc, and invariably, the first thing I notice is a profile pic with the mom with her kid. There is nothing wrong with having a pic or two of your family, but you’re main pic should be of you, not your kids, dogs, friends, etc. After all, I would be dating you. And while children are great, there are plenty of great kids out there, so your kid’s picture isn’t going to influence me in any kind of a positive light.
    Second, and even worse, is the usual opening line is “Any man I date is going to have to understand that my kids come first.” So, basically, what you are telling me is you want me around for a paycheque, a warm body to lay next to, and in return, I have absolutely no right to make any decisions in any would-be household. Not to mention, many single moms have a female friend/relative/etc, whom they leaned upon while going through their divorce, etc, and this person almost invariably is going to try to get between her and me.
    When you write profiles like this, you only attract guys who are losers or worse. No decent man, with any kind of a job, is going to agree to pay your bills and feed your kids, in return for coming second or third or even further down on your list of important people. If you expect me, or anyone else, to put you first, and all you can offer is second or third or fourth, really, that’s a bit one sided. You are going to keep attracting losers of various kinds, layabouts and criminals, etc, as long as you have this attitude.
    The best bet for single moms? Date single/ divorced dads. They will understand you’re situation a lot better, as they are dealing with many of the same issues. But guys, like me, who have never been married and don’t have any kids, it isn’t a good bet.
    Even worse are the single moms who already have a kid or two, and don’t want to have any more. So you want all of the above, but then you won’t want to have any children for me?
    3— This leads to the third main problem I find. Assuming that a woman has met my first two criteria, which eliminates about 90% of the available women over 25 or so- there is usually some other problem. Either they are the type of woman who never wants to get married (such as a career woman or a closeted lesbian), or there is some major issue. It could be drug addiction, criminal history, or simple laziness. I don’t have these problems, so why should I deal with them?
    4—- Ok, so now we are down to maybe 2% of women over 25. Women who have never been married (check), no drug or criminal history (check), no kid (check)- but who want to get married and have kids (check). That still leaves somebody out there for me, right? After all, since there are roughly a million people where I live, there should still be roughly 5,000 or more women like this. That’s still one in 100, maybe one in 50, but ok. So what is the final disqualifier?
    Most of these women, who are great people- real sweethearts- they are physically unattractive to me. Yes, different people find different looks attractive; some men like big women, some like midgets, some Amazonians, but that’s not me. The majority of this 2% that are left are single because they are overweight, plain, or otherwise physically unappealing. I wish I could be attracted to someone I’m not attracted to- I have known three great women that are friends of mine, who I could have dated if I’d wanted– but it simply doesn’t work that way. I’d never be happy, not fully, and everyone deserves someone who enjoys them. And if you ever get into a relationship with the idea that the other person would be perfect “if only” they “lost weight/ worked harder/etc,” you are only lying to yourself. While people do change over time, they change only when they want to, and no amount of cajoling from anyone else is ever going to force it.
    So what does this leave me? Virtually, nobody over 25. Maybe ten percent of that 1 or 2%?
    This doesn’t even include possible religious conflicts, political conflicts, etc, or the simple lack of chemistry, or cultural differences.
    So what does that leave me? Well, 7 years now without a relationship, and probably the rest of my life alone. And that’s fine. Marriage is a serious thing, and if people took it more seriously, there might not be so many divorces- and single moms- out there.
     
     

    1. 174.1
      Jenn

      Dan,
      You seem to be making a ton (and I do mean TON) of generalizations in your post. You are effectively painting yourself into a corner by doing this. You are 31 years old. The women you date will most likely have a past (unless they are 16, but even then they could still have baggage!). You will do yourself a BIG favor if you accept that fact. You are more likely, as you age, to come across women who have been married before and have kids from those unions. By eliminating them, you are effectively siphoning your dating pool down to a puddle. Let go of your stereotypes and the assumptions you’ve made based on the minuscule sample size of women you’ve dated who have this kind of history – not all divorcees are bitter, and not all women with kids are just looking for a stand-in daddy to pay for them. They come with a certain set of challenges, yes, but you are not doing yourself any favors by closing yourself off from them because of your fears. As to your third problem, yes, there are people who have made mistakes. They’ve fallen into addictions or broken laws and gotten caught. But it should not deter you from being with them unless they’re still using/committing crimes. If they’ve dealt with their demons and are healthy in mind and body today, and/or paid their debt to society, why judge them for things they might have done long before they ever even met you? And I’m betting that while you may have never suffered through an addiction or transgressed in any way, you are not perfect, so don’t throw stones Mr. Glass House. You’ve made your mistakes, too. As to your last point, all I can say is that there are plenty of very attractive people in the world who are still single (you said yourself that you are attractive, after all). Being overweight or plain-looking doesn’t have to be the reason they’re single. For all you know, maybe that slightly overweight girl that you are dissing has had five boyfriends and just recently broke it off for her own reasons. If you are not attracted to overweight or plain women, fine. But I hope you are not thinking you deserve a 9 or a 10 and are holding out for them. If you are, then I can see why you’re still single. You are deserving of a woman you find attractive. Just be aware that while you might be looking for that perfectly cut diamond, you might be overlooking the basket of lovely pearls at your feet.

      1. 174.1.1
        Dan

        Jenn,
         I never once said I was perfect.
         Basically, what you are telling me is that I should lower my standards. Why is that?
          How many single men my age, or older, are in the bracket I’m in? Probably the minority. Most single men have kids, etc, even the ones who have never been married. Not to mention, most are losing their hair, gaining a paunch, etc, by 31. Since I am in the minority, I expect a woman to hold the same standards for herself as I do for me.
           William Penn said it best, “People pay more attention to the breeding of their horses than they do of their children.”
            I won’t have children with someone with addiction problems, etc, past or present. Even if they are in the ten percent who actually quit, who knows what kind of diseases they may have lurking inside of their system (we all know the way female drug addicts earn money, after all.)? Not to mention, their is a chance that a child of mine would inherit these problems?
        And who are you to tell me I don’t deserve a 9 or 10, without seeing a picture of me, even?
         

        1. tamara

          @Dan: Well you’re kinda picky, but I would think u’d still find quite a lot of women (between 25 and your age of 31) who fit your criteria–of being unmarried, no kids, no criminal or drug history, and not unattractive. U said it’s ‘ten percent of that 1 or 2%’–so 0.1% or 0.2%? No it should be higher than that. 
           
          If I made a wild guess at the percentage of 25-31 year olds who fit that criteria, I’d guess it’s more like 10-20% and not 0.1% or 0.2%. The reason u think the percentage is so low is, I think, because that’s the proportion of women in Your life who fit that criteria. But among the women my age I know, maybe 70% fit the criteria–although it will drop quite a lot over the next few years while some get married as we’re in our mid-20s now.
           
          You said ” who are you to tell me I don’t deserve a 9 or 10, without seeing a picture of me, even?” Talking about ‘deserve’ is a subjective value judgement. It’s hard to discuss smthg so subjective so it makes more sense to talk about whether u can likely get a 9 or 10.
           
          Although u may be a 9 in looks, that doesn’t mean u’re a 9 in other impt aspects. I think u’re making a mistake in assuming women value a man’s looks as much as a man values woman’s looks. Women who are considered a 9 are often not going for a man who’s a 9 in appearance, they look at other aspects too. The women u want are likely to have been born in higher socioeconomic backgrounds, which makes them even more picky.
           
          (Btw minor point, not all addicts became prostitutes, which is what u seem to imply.  Prescription drug addiction is a big problem these days; I had a sleeping pill addiction but since they’re cheap I didn’t have problems paying for them; not all addicts were hooked on drugs that cost $15k a month. I think it’s silly to write off anyone who was once hooked on painkillers or other such meds, they’re not former prostitutes swimming in STDs and it’s kinda offensive to imply this).
           
          Anyway, u’re free to be attracted to whoever u choose.  But bear in mind that the longer u wait, the more women in ur age group will be married off and having kids. If you’re rejecting 7s while waiting for 8s, 9s and 10s, u may regret it but find the 7s are now out of your reach. Alternatively, I’m not trying to be mean, but if u really want a 9 and u’re not getting them, it may be that u need to improve yourself in some way.

        2. RustyLH

          @Tamara,
           
          I actually agree with this post.  Especially this part.
           
          “Anyway, u’re free to be attracted to whoever u choose.  But bear in mind that the longer u wait, the more women in ur age group will be married off and having kids. If you’re rejecting 7s while waiting for 8s, 9s and 10s, u may regret it but find the 7s are now out of your reach. Alternatively, I’m not trying to be mean, but if u really want a 9 and u’re not getting them, it may be that u need to improve yourself in some way.”
           
          It translates very well to this
           
          “Anyway, u’re free to be attracted to whoever u choose.  But bear in mind that the longer u wait, the more men in ur age group will be married off and having kids. If you’re rejecting 7s while waiting for 8s, 9s and 10s, u may regret it but find the 7s are now out of your reach. Alternatively, I’m not trying to be mean, but if u really want a 9 and u’re not getting them, it may be that u need to improve yourself in some way.”
           
          In short, it says that if you desire a 9, and think you deserve a 9, but you aren’t getting what you want, then it is very very likely that you are not what 9’s want.  If it is that important to you, then you may need to invest in yourself.  You need to find out what about you is not appealing to them.
           
          Maybe for a woman, that means cosmetic surgery, and or, a serious workout program along with healthier eating.  Or, maybe she also needs to fix her personality.  Women way way way underestimate just how important their personality is, and as a result, most women have a sucky personality.
           
          For the man, he may need to get a degree and better job.  9’s and 10’s cost money.  Lot’s of money.
           
          I think that for the most part, people these days resist accepting the reality that they themselves are not as highly rated as they want to believe.  I would say that many 7’s and 8’s refuse to believe that they are not a 9 or 10, and most average people think they are a little above average, as in 4 to 6’s shifting themselves up 2 spots to a 6 to 8.  Since they don’t do that for those around them, it creates a problem.  I always think this when a woman has trouble finding a man to marry but stubbornly refuses to compromise, saying, “I know my worth.”  Uhm..well…actually…you over-estimate your worth.
           
          I think the most abused word in the dating/marriage topics is “settled.”  I think that the truth is, when a woman thinks she settled, in fact she ended up right where she belongs.  In short, what she really wanted was out of her league, and she had to “settle” for a guy in her league.  And that’s the most painful part, isn’t it?  Actually having to accept that you aren’t the catch you think you are?  And that goes for both men and women.

    2. 174.2
      hunter

      ..find a way to date women, most men don’t get married, ’cause they don’t date…

    3. 174.3
      julia

      Lol you think that only 2% of single women over 25 aren’t divorced, don’t have kids, aren’t drug addicts and don’t have a criminal background? Where do you live? 

    4. 174.4
      starthrower68

      I’d be curious to know what region of the country you are in. In the Midwest, you might be able to find the Holy Grail of women. But I’m betting in somewhere like NY or LA those girls are already being snapped up by the very wealthy. I’m not saying they are gold diggers or that men with lower incomes don’t deserve them. In small town middle America where I am, the Homecoming queens that I might consider a 10 here might be a 7 or 8 on either coast.

  25. 175
    Rhodall

    Well, let me tell you.  I met a man once, 38 years old, never married.  He acted like he just had to get married.  I worked a lot of night shifts with very few days off.  I had a little  part-time job as well.  He knew this going in.  He filled my head with all kinds of fairy dreams.  I was much younger than him.  Turns out he had himself an even younger woman with a baby.  Was the baby his?   I don’t know for sure.  Anyway, not long after I left he married this woman.  I only found out about the baby because I snooped.  I only found out about the woman because somebody slipped and in a moment of anger, let me know that I was not the only one.  It was a horrible time in my life, as I was very much in love.    So I’m thinking, if he  had this much trouble with women at the age of 38, what in the name of hell’s bells was going on with his love life  during the 20 years prior?   Ughhh.   I should have stuck with the ones my own age. 

  26. 176
    49 guy never married

    I hate to say this but every married guy I know cheats so why get married? In addition I lived in Latin America where sex is available on demand – better than in any relationship I have ever had.  Ok I miss the all-night cuddling but that is it – don’t miss the negative aspects that seem to outweigh the positive.

  27. 177
    lady_Luck

    I think his only excuse would be that he is a total freak, or just came out of a really long term thing in which the woman did not want marmarriage (quite rare). The long and short of it is it’s a massive red flag. It usually points to committment issues and emotionally unavailable nature. 

  28. 178
    j

    In my experience never married older bachelors who have little to none serious relationship history live up to most if not all the stereotypes. I think they get pissed and go into denial about it and want to say its not true. But I’m sorry I’ve seen the similar traits and feel they’re alone because they don’t really need anyone so dealing with the hassles or risks of marriage and intimacy is not worth it. The only thing . I’ve talked to numerous women who have dealt with these types of men and you  can predict that things never proceed past causal dating or friendship.  Im married so it doesn’t effect me but me but I find it intresting.  Thank facebook and internet dating not compounds these guys issues as more choice and cheap thrills are available to fill up the empty spaces where a real relationship would have been.

  29. 179
    John Morgan

    Defective, player, workaholic, liar, self serving, weird, very picky, skin averse, risk averse, arrogant, self centered, socially awkward, can’t be trusted.  Yes, let’s just line up all those 40+ never married men and shoot them.   Reading nonsense like this on the internet gives me a better laugh than late night TV.
     
     

  30. 180
    Mickey

    I guess life ends at 40 if a guy isn’t married yet. Oh well…

    1. 180.1
      j

      Hey dont worry tons of women probably dont believe what us nay sayers spout. Women are mainly romantic optimists and want to give a chance. That’s kinda the way were wired. At least until kicked around good and hard.

      1. 180.1.1
        Mickey

        “That’s kinda the way were wired. At least until kicked around good and hard.”
        Just like guys like us…

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