Men Are Honest. You’re Just Not Listening.

I take my job as your personal trainer for love very seriously.

I try to honor and respect every woman who reads my emails and offer advice that is honest but not too brutal.

But I have to admit, from time to time, I get an email that makes me roll my eyes.

The most recent one was as mercifully short as it was inane. All it said was this:

“What does it mean when a man says he doesn’t want a relationship with you?”

To the best of my knowledge, this email was not a joke, but it had me thinking about other obvious questions that had only one possible answer.

“What does she mean when she says she’s not at all attracted to me?”

“What does she mean when she says she’s been faking her orgasms with me?”

“What does she mean when she says she’d rather jump out of a moving car than go out on another date with me?”

Now, to be fair, most women don’t give men such rude, point-blank answers.

What do you actually do instead?

You want to see where you stand with a man? Don’t pay attention to how hot your date was. Pay attention to how he handles himself in the next 24-48 hours.

You don’t return his calls in a timely fashion.

You date other men until you find one you like better.

You may go out with him again, but you’re not all that into it.

In short, to keep the peace and avoid conflict, you either do the slow fade (not calling him back immediately), or you continue to see him with reservations about your attraction and excitement.

Are you lying to him? Are you trying to hurt him? Are you a commitmentphobe who has no interest in marriage? Are you fickle and always looking for someone better?

I’m guessing the answer is no to all of the above.

Same with us. Except you have trouble seeing that.

Face it:

Men don’t have to say “I love you” to get you in bed.

Men don’t have to commit to you to get you in bed.

All men have to do to get you in bed is be cute, funny, tall, smart, and successful.

And if that’s the case, and we sleep with you based on attraction alone, regardless of whether we have actual FEELINGS for you, it tends to get a little dicey.

This is not me DEFENDING men; this is me, EXPLAINING men.

Listen, we’re just as shocked as you are when you sleep with us on a second date.

But, as you know, this doesn’t mean we want a relationship with you. It just means that we were having fun, we were tipsy, we took a chance, and we scored.

You want to see where you stand with a man? Don’t pay attention to how hot your date was. Pay attention to how he handles himself in the next 24-48 hours.

Understand that unless he REALLY likes you, the second you leave, he’s thinking about how he can get out of this.

If there have been no phone calls or dates where he takes you out and spends quality time (and money) on you, guess what?

You’re the booty call.

Understand that he DOESN’T want to hurt you.

Understand that he DOESN’T want you to fall in love with him.

Understand that he DOES want to keep sleeping with you because it’s in HIS self-interest.

And understand that everything he does next is designed to keep you INTERESTED in him without allowing you to fall in LOVE with him.

If he’s excited about you and wants you to be his girlfriend, he’ll call you the next day to say, “I had fun, when can I take you out to dinner this week?”

If he’s already planning his exit strategy, he’s not going to say, “I think we made a mistake. Good luck in life.” He’s more likely going to do something like this:

• A one-line text to follow up.
• A few days of silence afterwards because he doesn’t want you to get attached.
• Another text a few days later to say he’s thinking of you, but he’s been busy.
• A text a week later at 9pm to ask what you’re doing right now.

If there have been no phone calls or dates where he takes you out and spends quality time (and money) on you, guess what?

You’re the booty call.

And your guy is trying to find that delicate balance of keeping you in his life without you falling hard for him.

This is why I’m saying that men are being honest with you.

He’s not talking about meeting your family.
He’s not talking about taking you away to Paris.
He’s not talking about the names of your kids.
He’s not talking about love and marriage.
Hell, he’s not even talking about dinner and a movie!

He’s mostly keeping in touch with texts and hoping that you coast on your attraction to him without ever second guessing his lack of effort.

He hasn’t lied to you. He hasn’t promised you anything. He hasn’t done anything after sleeping with you that indicates that he’s serious about you.

So, reward this kind man for trying to protect your feelings by…

CUTTING HIM OFF ENTIRELY.

“It’s been fun knowing you, Dan, but I’m looking for a boyfriend, not a sexting buddy. Best of luck in the future.”

He’ll do one of two things:

1) Pick up the phone and call you because you have a burgeoning relationship that’s worth preserving and he can’t stand to let you go.

Or, in all likelihood…

2) He’ll text you, “That sux! Too bad. I understand though. Good luck to you!”

Really, men don’t want to hurt you. Just like you don’t want to hurt them.

So stop blaming them for sleeping with and texting you.

If you start listening to their silences, you can finally hear the whole truth.

Join our conversation (529 Comments).
Click Here To Leave Your Comment Below.

Comments:

  1. 271
    Corrine

    This. Is. So. Accurate.

  2. 272
    Lauren

    Yes I get that men are honest but if a woman doesn’t listen it means she ignored that you wanted to be friends or she’s just not interested in being your friend so it isn’t women that are ignorant it’s you men you gentlemen don’t know how to take a hint when a girl wants nothing to do with you

  3. 273
    sarah

    Soo pretty much your saying most men are not marriage material and are a waste of time. 👌 Ya I think we got that covered. As you get older you most men are nothing but an herassment or just plain uncomfortable. Hard to respect men like that.

  4. 274
    Marika

    Russell

    Per your response to Hel’s comment, playing it cool & not coming on too strong is a far cry from a man saying “marriage is a business” and he’s unaffectionate and only looking for sex. While I get your point that coming on too strong can be a turnoff in the early stages of dating, if a man (or woman) says strong things like that, it’s not the other person’s responsibility to double check if they mean it or try to talk them around. Hel rightly treated this person as an adult by saying, not in so many words, that you have your right to seek a sex-only relationship until you’re ready to make a ‘business transaction’ with a woman, but that’s not what I want. All the best & goodbye to you. She drew a clear boundary.

    What she did may seem harsh, but she was responding to his very clear message that he wanted something completely different from her. If he was doing this to test her or avoid being too keen, he’s playing a dangerous game and hopefully her response taught him not to do that again. People need to accept responsibility for their actions. To say things you don’t mean to try and get the other person to reassure you (particularly in the very early stages of dating), is immature.

    Not to say I haven’t been guilty of immature behaviour or trying to talk someone into having a relationship myself, but the point is, it doesn’t work & you shouldn’t be advocating it.

  5. 275
    wbotb

    Marika,

    No, sex should happen when both are comfortable with it. All I’m saying is that it’s wrong to devalue women for doing it early on and if a man finds a woman less interesting just because she “caved in” to early, there is something wrong with that man and he’s a massive hypocrite. If this is the way a man is going to treat me just because I slept with him quickly then he is a low quality male and not worth my time.

  6. 276
    Erika Awakening

    We women make this way too hard on ourselves.

    I’m dating a super alpha guy right now. I think he’s shocked that I won’t have sex with him … he typically encounters very little resistance.

    He’ll either commit to me or not, but as I’ve kept my sexual boundaries (no penile penetration, no way no how until there is a commitment) … I will be okay either way.

    My biggest frustration is that I was “conditioned” from an early age to think that women’s sexual “liberation” was in our best interest, when it so clearly is not.

    Cheers

  7. 277
    Lauren

    Oh I listen to a guy when he says he wants to be just friends I just don’t care about how he feels about his girlfriend so sorry guys I’m not looking for any new friends at the time so don’t even try gentleman

  8. 278
    Jenni

    I am gone on him, he says he doesn’t want a relationship but wants to be friends. We have had sex. He said he would rather we stay friends then lose each other. Sex is phenomenal. But I think its time for me to end it.

  9. 279
    Rachel

    Evan, this line of thinking:

    “And your guy is trying to find that delicate balance of keeping you in his life without you falling hard for him.”

    Is a little self-absorbed, don’t you think? Why do guys always assume that we want something more just because we slept with them?

    1. 279.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      I wouldn’t say self-absorbed. I would say confident. Confident assume that the answer is yes. Insecure people assume that the answer is no.

      1. 279.1.1
        Rachel

        So, shouldn’t a confident woman also assume that if a man has slept with her, then he wants a deeper relationship? I don’t understand why this wouldn’t work both ways.

        1. Evan Marc Katz

          Not really. It’s self-evident that just because a man sleeps with you, it is not indicative of his feelings towards you. Having confidence doesn’t change that most men are very good at separating sex and feelings.

  10. 280
    madison

    Your first mistake is thinking that some girls don’t want  the same. Sometimes we don’t want the whole I had such a great time with you text in the morning. To me its all if you feel good.  If you can make me orgasm…. (which it is hard to make me do) then I’ll fuck you again. That doesn’t mean I have feelings for you. Honestly I can spend 5 min with you and I will know if I cant stand your personality or not. Sometimes I just want you to make me wet. Most of the time that’s all I want. Honestly I know most guys are fuckboys. But I Love sex! And if you don’t understand why I don’t like sex, you have either never had sex before or you have never had good sex. and in that case I feel bad for you because I’m learning positions a-z while your having missionary the rest of your life.

  11. 281
    Kim

    Despite the article, I think there is something true… but please do not add “Men”, but also “women” as well. Human are naturally liars in unconscious way. Rare people in the world know exactly what they want, etc. So I think all people are talking the truth even white lies or something to bring you to the bed.

    I realized that women also used love to get sex too. Not only men… It fits to some of my cases. I am the type who also sleep first and then later, think about emotional commitment. But, from the outside, I talk about commitment first rather than sex. Both sides of me are true. I look for love, but I also need sex. I control my sex drive to understand that I am cautious, but I cannot deny the importance of passionate sex.

    I am intense and sexually attractive. I just do not waste my time to get shallow relationship in both casual sex and real commitment. Because I should use that time to work for myself.

    I think may be I am lucky since all the men will be honest for me times by times. They will start to talk out their own desire and they share to me… Even they beg me to have sex with them too in a long term just because they want to own me (but I never accept). I just say, If you are a unique, fucking cool, and honest woman, you will get a full respect from any man even players… why? Because when men are feeling comfortable to you, they are just a simple pet like a dog.

    Silence is a best way to communicate. Everyone need a time to be alone… Let’s give a scenario: If you have everyday text from a guy keep nagging: Hey let’s have sex with me, while you have only 3 days to finish a project which you have not yet finished, and you felt stressful… Are you feeling annoyed to him? — The answer will be always YES…. Then what will you do…. You get angry and things got stress more, and so the best way is silence. You keep ignore, shut up your mouth and wait until you finish your project, you will be cool to think of his request. Simply like men.

    I think men are smart, they spend time to think logically, and they think in the future while women think in the emotional way but in the moment. The logical person who think in the future, WILL PLAN AND ENJOY THE MOMENT. While the emotional person will REACT ACCORDING TO THE MOMENT BUT NEVER PLAN IN ADVANCE. That is why some will feel hot, some will feel cool, and we got many complaints about men from women.

    When men feel attracted to women at the first time, it is a good start, but after that, it is another story. Whether you can match his criteria or not, it is more important. I have many men who depressed to have sex and want to make commitment relationship to me but I say no. They see me something special, but I don’t. It is not that they are not in the first time, but times by times, when I put a test to test them, they failed onto my criteria.  I give them the chance, but they do not use that chance to prove to me, then how can I develop my further plan into them?

    Now, think back to the men. It is the same.

    Many women think that if I am acting like I am independent, I am not nagging, I am gently waiting for him, you can make them love you. NO. I got a friend who always got cheated because she did not do anything. She is “TOO PERFECT” into relationship. She is so kind, so understanding, so value the “Silence”, and yet she cannot make any man to fall for her, but never in long term, just in friend’s term.

    LOL Let’s I tell you a brutal truth… Please do not listen to any online dating advice that you should not be jealous, possessive, etc… In fact, those type of “NEGATIVE FEELING” is the passion to make men fall for you IF YOU DO IT IN A RIGHT WAY.

    This is the scenario:

    ” Hey, you did not text me… Why you are keeping busy like that… bla bla” = wrong way, because you blame on him like a mother blame on his child…
    ” Hi, how are you, you did not text me these days… What’s up? (gentle way) Fuck, I need to talk everyday. If you cannot do that, go away, I will find someone else (More intense) = right way, because you express your anger in a passionate state. Depends on each men, you will use different approaching. Be it sweet, but strong to show you know what you want and you you want to control plus you can be sweet, seduced way to stir up others’ feeling. Sometimes, arguement can lead to strongest passion. Just be yourself, and be balance, dont use it too much.

    Men know it all. Even women lie, they know but they do not talk if you are not showing your sincerity and passion to him. They like a woman because her positive yet negative way even in Friends with benefit.

     

  12. 282
    anna

    You gave two types of reactions at the ”goodbye text”. ”my” guy visualized it, read it and didn’t reply.

    It makes me think he got upset (like a kid)…I am ”waiting” for a reaction or something.. seems like he needs to think about it

  13. 283
    Jackie

    Wow. Thank you. You’d think this is pretty obvious but it’s my first time being single as an adult. Now to figure out if I can even do casual in the first place! Onward!

  14. 284
    Sheri

    This a good read.. It fits my situation and my heartbreak :/

  15. 285
    Uh

    Once you know someone is interested in you, have you considered not putting your dick in them? Silence is childish, as is this article.

  16. 286
    June

    You know, some women like myself actually love sex, pursue it almost as a man does and still find relationships! Lol. My current relationship of 4 months started out exactly like this. We got thrown together, had sex that night as friends and it developed from there. We were surprised as anyone else. We had a lot of other things in common; food, hobbies, politics and honestly the sex is better than either one of us has experienced. But, don’t think he didn’t try to play games with me. I had to move temporarily to another state and we begun fighting. He tried to downgrade me to a friends with benefits until i moved back to town. I shut him down and broke up with him. He came back… guys try to get away with whatever let allow, in general.

  17. 287
    Brook

    Best and most accurate article I’ve read in a long time. Exactly the situation I’ve gotten myself into. Thanks for the brutal honesty.

  18. 288
    Dandelions

    This is not helpful. Why? Because people don’t usually ask those questions in dating, they ask them in long term committed relationships. When have you have 2 young kids, and a ten year marriage, and a husband’s actions and words say “I don’t want a relationship with you” and he’s not cheating, won’t leave, and expects sex and wants to stay married what the heck do you do with that?

    When your wife of 30 years says “I love you, I think you look good, and you treat me wonderfully, and I’m very happy but I don’t get sexually aroused by you anymore” what do you do with that?

    I’d refer the second guy to Ester Perel, but I’m the woman in the first situation. What do you do with me?

    Theses things seem obvious after a few months of dating but when you have many years, joint children, and life togeber there is almost always more going on beneath the surface.

  19. 289
    Reem Salh

    there is a big big big difference between really comitting , promising love and marriage and meeting my family , talk everyday …and completely cut himself pff from me after sex !!! or being cold after sex or before sex or during sex !!! that is hurting and cheap …very cheap ….i think its not a FWB …its just hiring a hooker way ! …..i value my body cand cant allow a cold man who desappeares after sex to touch my body !!

  20. 290
    Max

    Ramdom thoughts after reading all the comments Theo olderI get, the more I think I have been brainwashed by my mother  and I learned that sex was bad And a sin, God was watching me masturbate kind of guilt and you are a whore if you have sex outside of a relationship and that guys are using me and that unless I was in a committed relationship I could go horizontal. Results:from all men on Earth I  married a man that was afraid of intimacy and no interest in sex .We had sex only for procriation. Today I’m like, wait a minute, I’m 36, pay my own bills, am a horndog and am legally divorced. I can plow whoever i want literally. I grew up perceiving that guys were using me, but I think I’m getting off too so nobody is really using anyone. Thanks to my mom I feel like im putting pressure on guys that we have to be in some kind of relationship before we can be intimate. People intially get interested but disappear and I think is the needy vibe I ve been passing on from my childhood damage. I already told my daughter I will save her from the shit I did ( marry the first idiot without seeing what else was out there.) And exploring sexuality.

     

    1. 290.1
      Gaya

      Applause. Of course. Why would you feel guilty if your needs are as they are. My mother was the same as yours (did we have the same mother or what???). Thank God I`ve met a married guy who is probing every woman he can but also his wife does the same. We are talking online about his sex life and his point of view for about 5 months now and he opened my eyes. They love each other but their needs are as they are (3-somes, gangbang, BBC, swinging, fetishes… sometimes together sometimes alone). But still they love and respect each other and have no intentions to divorce. I asked him what his wife would say about him telling me all their intimate infos and all he said that maybe his wife would only like to meet me… Some people are so prude about sex and some enjoy every second of it. Why not.

  21. 291
    banananut88

    The fact that ALL these points have just happened to me…. it’s like I’ve been given all the heads up and hints from this guy about what he truly wanted and I still ignored it. Smh i need this article to be with me at all times lol thanks for the insight

  22. 292
    Sarah

    Great advice as usual, Evan. I emailed the link to this article to some women I know. Unfortunately, I think they got offended instead of learning. From now on, I will keep your posts to myself! I truly enjoy your blog. I find you honest but kind in how you say things. Wish you all the best!

  23. 293
    Gaya

    I haven`t read all the comments, it`s too much of them. I`m just going to tell you my case. He was my school mate in high school. We`ve met at the 15th reunion. He told me he really liked me in HS and he would want to go on a date with me. We did, it was nice. Then he was all over me. Calling, texting, wanted to meet me like crazy. I got scared of his emotions. Then we both had a lot of work to do, he went to China for 14 day for business and there he decided it is not the right time and he would like to be alone. And 14 days later he again would really like to be with me in the relationship, again a splashing wave of messages and his emotions and then he decided it`s not the right time (he`s DILF with issues with his ex and in the middle with dealing with custody for his little daughter). Well I thought, maybe we could just have sex and have good time together. He doesn`t even want that. Well maybe we could just meet here and there or talk on the phone. He`s not into it ether. FML. I blocked him… He just have as I call it a ˝syndrome of a messed up head˝ this is my term of this disease but is the nice one, the original one is ˝syndrome of fucked up head˝. It`s better to stay away from such people they only cause troubles.

  24. 294
    Stacey

    “Are you a commitmentphobe who has no interest in marriage?”

    Guess what Evan? I am not a commitment phobe who doesn’t want marriage. Just because some people don’t want to get married doesn’t mean they are commitment phobes. I don’t need a ring, piece of paper, cake and a ton of guests to say I’m in love, he’s the one. Some people want to just have life long partners without the “I do,” it’s not that big of a deal to me!

  25. 295
    Cha cha cha

    Thanks Russell

    This is such a great insight, you helped me so much. Smart men don’t want to hook us just because they agreed to commit. After all aren’t we all just better off to see how it goes and make sure we are both with each other because we are crazy about each other. We are really benefiting and getting our needs met as well, if the sex and company is great and they keep pursuing, then you find out if they have what it takes.

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