My Boyfriend Does Not Want To Spend Time With My Kids

My Boyfriend Does Not Want To Spend Time With My Kids

I’m a 38-year old single mom with an 11yr old daughter and 5yr old son. I’ve been dating a 47-year old bachelor (has no children) for a year. We see each other when we can as we are both busy with 2 jobs.

When I’m with him it’s always fun and wonderful. I get along with all of his friends…they actually make me feel special. I have met his brother and his family and love them. However, he still has not invited me to meet his parents (they live 30 min away) which seems strange to me…he met mine after 3 months of dating and really get along well.

Everything is perfect until it is my weekend with my kiddies! I’m not possessive, quite the opposite, and would never suggest he spend all of his time with me! But I am wondering whether he will ever get more involved with the two most precious people to me…my children! Little encounters here and there but nothing to get excited about. I invite him to spend time with us every other weekend…never pushing as I’d like him to want to spend time with my children! I keep giving it more time to improve, but so far, none. He always has an excuse why he can’t be with us so I tell my children, who adore him that he has to work or has a previous commitment. Lying to them is not a good feeling.

If he wants to be your boyfriend without spending any time with your kids, well, that’s what he’s gonna do.

Is there hope that he will step up to the plate and be a part of my children’s lives or will he continue to ignore what means most to me in the world, my children? Should I have a one-on-one with him about this or keep doing what I’m doing and hope things will change?  Am I wasting my time?

Thank you,

Natalie

Men do what they want.

I wrote this in “Why He Disappeared” and nothing I’ve heard since has convinced me otherwise.

If he wants to call you, he’ll call you.

If he wants to sleep with you, he’ll sleep with you.

If he wants to commit to you, he’ll commit to you.

And if he wants to be your boyfriend without spending any time with your kids, well, that’s what he’s gonna do.

You’ve got yourself a 47-year-old bachelor. If he wanted to get married or have kids, he’d probably have done so by now, right? This should, in no way, diminish the fact that you seem to be very happy with him as a boyfriend. It just means that it’s entirely possible that this is the only role he wants in your life – the one where he really doesn’t have to compromise all that much.

Just as there are great guys who make shitty boyfriends…and great boyfriends who turn into shitty husbands, there are also great boyfriends who DON’T WANT TO BE great husbands.

Point is: you have to figure out what your endgame is.

You need to have a come-to-Jesus meeting with your bachelor boyfriend and let him know your vision of the future.

Do you want to be married again one day?
Do you want the man you’re with to take on some stepfather duties, or at least integrate himself into your family more readily?

If that’s the case, then, yes, it sounds to me like you need to have a come-to-Jesus meeting with your bachelor boyfriend and let him know your vision of the future.

While there’s a possibility that he loves you enough to reconsider how he’s lived his entire life, the most likely answer you’re going to get is what you already know from his actions:

“I love you. I like your kids. I don’t want to be tied down to a family. I prefer my freedom. If you can keep doing this, I’d love to, but if you can’t, I completely understand.”

And you have to have the strength to walk away from a fun and wonderful short-term relationship because it has no potential to be the long-term relationship of your dreams.

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Comments:

  1. 31
    Jess

    I needed this blog. I was with a guy that I recently separated from, who would always say he wanted us to get engage, move in together, get married but he never wanted to engage with my kids. I understood his reservations but he could not get why I would not want to marry him. We were long distance for a while but once we were in the same city again I started to see he was all talk, telling me how much he love kids and how much he love my kids. Yet his actions showed otherwise. I will never accept bread crumbs because with or without kids I am a great woman and have a lot to offer. Just because a man is single and without kids does not mean he is an automatic prize. A man who does not want to engage kids should stay away from women with kids because it’s not fair to lead people on.

    1. 31.1
      Jake's Step-grandpa

      You need to get with a man with kids. Y’all don’t want to deal with other people’s kids and baby mommas but you want people to deal with your kids and your ex/or exes.

  2. 32
    Eliza1972

    Helene is spot on!

    I am divorced with three kids who live with me most of the time.  I am with a wonderful man who is also divorced with three kids.  His kids live with their mum in a different town & he sees them at weekends.  He has a very difficult relationship with his ex who dumps all her misery on the kids & for that reason I don’t see his kids very often & I don’t interfere with the limited time he has with them.  I have a better relationship with my ex & my kids are well adjusted & happy & so my partner spends a lot of time with my kids.

    I love him, he loves me, but we have to approach both sets of kids differently as we are dealing with two very different divorces/exs – his manipulative with no respect for his kids, & mine much more civilised.  Some day we will be able to explain to his kids that my lack of involvement was to spare them the stress of their mothers inability to accept her divorce but for now that’s how we’ve chosen to live.  We are trying to protect his kids & mine also because while I love him I have no intention of letting that level of toxicity into my kids lives & my partner agrees!  He is a wonderful dad & I have to suck it up that I don’t get to see him at weekends & I can’t be involved in his family stuff without world war three kicking off.

    The op’s bf may have very good reasons for holding back a little – it does not mean he is not committed.  Furthermore he is under no obligation to love her kids & he could be under a lot of stess himself if he’s the kind of person who finds kids hard work – because you know, they are!

  3. 33
    shah

    He wants your body and flesh and is not interested in your kids.

     

  4. 34
    Singlemum

    Well I’m a single mother with 2 older boys 5 and 6 from a man who is not in the picture at all and my boys had been living at there Nana and Papas for the last 2 years. I have been with my man now for 2 years and we just had a baby 4 months ago (who my mom calls a rambler because he has 2 kids with a woman in a small town and another kid with a different woman in another town) he does see his 2 kids in the small town but not as often as he wants to because he doesn’t live there and the mother can change her mind in a flash. I only met his kids this past month for them to meet their new brother even though we have together for the last 2 years I had other opportunities to meet them he just for some reason didn’t want me to meet them, they are great kids btw. My man was very supportive when it came to visits with my boys, his career choice allows him to come and go as he pleases and pitches in for groceries and often brings me to eat out….. But he never did come out as a family with us though I spoke to him about it doesn’t seem like it will change as time passes either. He says he likes my kids they are awesome boys and he horses around with them once in a blue moon  but he would feel guilty loving them as his own because he barely gets to see his kids, he had also said that his kids would be sad if they knew he was playing a father role for “someone else’s kids” and can’t even be there for them as often. I am constantly thinking about this and how my boys actually feel Everytime they see him, they don’t have a man in there life to call daddy and they asked if they can have a daddy like my new baby and I just don’t know how to deal with it appropriately it hurts me both ways if you know what I mean I’m there for my boys and I’m there for my man I am learning how to balance my blended family but he doesn’t seem to want this blended family we have.

  5. 35
    Holly

    I cannot believe some of these comments. I’m going to weigh in as a child of a divorce. My mom had many long term relationships with men who didn’t have children and clearly didn’t want them. My dad was in my life, so I had no interest in a father figure. However, it was obvious that many of these men resented my very existence. It is painful and confusing to have men dislike you for merely existing. If you don’t want or like children that’s fine, but DO NOT date a woman with children then! There’s no inbetween, children are a package deal.

  6. 36
    Robert Nemere

    Lol shes in denial the 47yo guy is smart not taking on the liability of adopting someone elses offspring he got this far not being on a leash why give in now?

  7. 37
    Beyond1

    The reality of it all is you have to establish your self before you get into a relationship, second once you meet someone you have to listen and observe where they are and put all your cards on the table in the beginning,

    Single parenting has so many obligations and this is why men who date a single woman is selfish, 1. He knows what he’s getting into before he is in it, but he wants the perks with out the responsibility,he knows she is giving out all day,she wants to be appreciated,she wants that’s bond of having a male in her life that will appreciate her and her children, she is looking for balance,she needs relief and a release among other things that we all know, and because of this she’s gonna give more and ask for less , and it’s all about what he is getting, because she is divided , but in all fairness he is not going todo a single woman with no kids this way because she’s not going to give the same,she may do some of the same things that a mother does but she’s not limited,so the results are different.

    3. Kids are not the problem in most cases ,it’s all BS, kids just want to be visible, say kind words and let them know they exist but ppl make it hard BC of there own selfishness, it’s a blessing to invest in a child’s life so if  you’re looking at it as another person’s offspring that you have to take care of ,you sound stupid and getting involved with a single parenting was stupid decision on your part and Im not sure if you had the right motive anyway.

    ( I’m not saying it’s easy and as some have said the other parent is more of the problem,or how they raise their child different from what you would,or the not listening,these are the real issues)

    4. If you are a single parent your gonna give more because your vulnerable because you have a kid/ kids,it doesn’t mean your realistic and even though you know what you want and you have an idea, it takes time to develop those things, fun and a good time is not the sign

    Bottom line if your not in a persons life to make it better, you are not an asset your a liability, kids or no kids!

    And if you Leave the sex out of the equation , don’t give up the goods, and see what and who your really dealing with you may get a committed relationship and the decision would be alot easier to make!

  8. 38
    MeanPeopleSuck

    I am disgusted by some of the comments single males without kids have posted here. Refering to kids as ‘leftovers from another man’ and things like that. You don’t have to want to date someone with kids, but show a little respect. Comments like that are just plain mean spirited. Kids are not objects. They aren’t posessions. They are people, not leftovers, and worthy of respect. If you can disrespect anyone like that, you would make a bad partner for anyone as it shows an abusive nature. Now this is not to say that people who don’t want to raise other people’s kids are bad or selfish. It’s just the ones who could speak of another person with such contempt who are bad.

    1. 38.1
      Mr.Goose

      Au contraire – the disgusting comments are predominantly from single mothers, berating single childless men for not wanting to raise another man’s unwanted children.

      Moreover, mean and disrespectful people tend to be those who have unprotected sexual intercourse and produce these unwanted children in the first place. Respectful people who don’t want children either use contraceptives, or keep it in their trousers.

      1. 38.1.1
        Valerie Gervais

        No Mr. Goose, mean and disgusting people are those who look down on others and who feel a sense of superiority when they put others down. People who have unprotected sex may be making a poor life choice, but if they take responsibility for their actions they are, well, good people. There is no argument there.

         

        1. Mr.Goose

          Oh thanks for explaining that to me. I get it now. Creating an unwanted child is merely a “poor life choice” and expecting someone else to bankroll these “poor life choices” is your idea of “taking responsibility”? Let me guess, you think single mommy is “entitled” to it, right? And you consider “disrespectful” any suggestion that single mommy should have used a contraceptive or, dare I say, kept her legs shut?

          As a single, solvent, self-supporting chap who has always taken great care to avoid unwanted pregnancies, exactly how much of my income and resources do you think single mommy is entitled to?

    2. 38.2
      Jake's Step-grandpa

      Do you know what leftovers mean? They are leftovers… from another relationship. Yall should have thought long and hard before you guys cooked those meals in the oven.

  9. 39
    Julie

    Wow he doesn’t want to meet your parents? Run! That’s even worse than not wanting to spend time with your kids. He’s never free at weekends? he probably has someone more serious on the side ! Run now, otherwise you will realise later you wasted so much time with him when you could have met the right man instead. I speak by experience.

  10. 40
    me

    My thing is… you women want to put yourself out there and have kids, then expect a man to come in and those kids be just as important to him. Truth of the matter is you should be keeping your legs closed! It’s your kids deal w it. I raised my ex wife’s kids from diapers! Now she’s my ex! Nothing I did. A woman wants what’s she wants… rule… if she has kids and older leave her the hell alone. One night stand is all she’s worth.  If she’s younger and want you to be a “father figure” then give it a shot. I’m not gonna take care of another man’s kids for 20 odd years and get slapped in the face. Face it, a woman w more than one kid is trouble and irresponsible.

  11. 41
    Andrea Lee

    I am a woman in a relationship with a man with two children.  My guy is a great guy and I really care about him.  However, he is financially challenged at the moment.   Although I like children I dont want to support his children more than I already have.  Another challenge is the constant chauffeuring around the kids in my car.  Ok.  so I’ve agreed to help him do this but it’s a challenge particularly when these kids are so used to being served hand a foot. Yeah, this generations X parenting is really troubling.  Right now these kids are cute but I wonder what they will be like once they become adults.  I’ve tried empowering them so that they learn some self control skills and some sense of initiative but the over protectiveness by both parents undoes all that.

    Perhaps, your boyfriend is turned off by the same things I am turned off by.  Generation X parenting makes for unlikable children.

  12. 42
    anne

    Interesting to read all the comments and helpful to understand why my bf is not wholly comfortable with my children. Especially reading single women comments. It’s helpful that it’s a common feeling and weirdly I just hadn’t appreciated that fully.

    I’m in a loving long term relationship. Not what I ultimately wanted but single parenting is complicated. he’s polite and tries hard to engage with my children, I sense it’s difficult for him though, and we’ve discussed it. My kids are pretty good but they’re not perfect, and non parents often do pick up on nuances that we overlook. Let’s face it many bio parents can have vastly different parenting styles, it’s even harder for single parents and partners.

    I have chosen to keep the ltr. If I ever want to live with someone again I’d have to split or wait till kids are grown up. For now I have quality time with the kids and lovely alternate weekends where I look forward to spending time with my partner, my kids see him couple times week but see him as my boyfriend and not a stepdad. They know I have no plans to get married.

    Not ideal but infinitely better than life with their bio dad. I have someone who genuinely loves me and wants to be with me for the rest of his life. He just doesn’t want to be stepdad. I accept that. They are my kids and they are my responsibility not his. He does help me out with them on occasion and I appreciate that. I don’t expect it as my right that he does. Nor do I expect my mum to mind them for me as many mums do. I had them. I care for them and in truth I have provided for them emotionally and financially all their lives. Their dad loves them but never worked. My bad.

    There are times when it’s very tough and I just want my bf with me fulltime, but I know that would be hard for him and for the kids. They would end up resenting each other. It does worry me if this relationship will have an impact on the kids but I do try to talk to them in an adult way so they understand my needs as well as their needs. They have a mum and a dad in their life after all.

    I’m nearly 50 and will retire in a few years, and will look forward to many years together with my bf in the future. As children grow up and leave the nest, I don’t want to be left with someone who was just good dad material. I want someone who will make me feel special long term. Hence I don’t look on this as accepting crumbs or a half loaf, it just a loaf that will have to be baked for a long time. I wish I had best of both worlds but I don’t, and I honestly don’t feel I would find someone that I love as much as my bf, it’s very hard to find someone that your in tune with let alone the kid element.

    just wanted to add this as a different perspective and to think carefully before you cast aside a boyfriend who genuinely cares.  100 per cent Trust and respect were the things that swung it for me to keep with my bf rather than find a new live in love-my-kids partner. Many things make up being a good partner and as long as kids aren’t hurt is the live out boyfriend that bad of a deal ? I also love my independence and my time with the kids on my own.

    To those mums who have found perfection with a guy that loves their kids and them in harmony. Congrats. It isnt easy to find utopia as a single mum.

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

  13. 43
    anne

    I have to add that my ex husbands new partner on the surface is a saint. She often drives over 60 miles return to collect my kids, is always the one to sign their homework off (not my ex) she’s again the breadwinner while he “studies”.  I can clearly see why non bio parents don’t want to be taken for a ride. i think there is a limit of how much should be expected of a partner, there is clearly a balance. To the guy who spent 20 years bringing up someone else’s kids, You truly do not deserve such a slap in the face it’s diabolical especially if she cheated on you.  My friend who can’t have kids of her own did that also and after split is banished from her step kids lives, it’s heartbreaking.

    As to having more than one kid being irresponsible. I had them to my ex whom I was married to. He bolted when my youngest started school and I asked him to look for jobs. He basically left his kids rather than work and now lives off his new partner, and now has another kid…

    I didn’t see the split coming but I really should of. I think a few serious issues clouded my judgement, losing my dad, serious illness etc. Hindsight is a wonderful thing, and I’d agree with the concept of chosing your life partner very very carefully. some people can be very manipulative but I have to say he’s the irresponsible one, not me. Not all single mums are irresponsible, we just choose our husbands unwisely.

  14. 44
    Cc

    I’ve been with my boyfriend for 4 years. He has only been spending time with my children in the last year.  He has no children. He knew I had 2 and I don’t think he see it as an obstacle. But me being cautious prevented him spending time with them. my bf does not have an instant rapport with any children though he has tried with mine. My children like him an the fact he makes me happy. But the dream of us all becoming a United front is far off.  Both my daughter who’s 9 an my boyfrind struggle to share me. As I do them. My bf tried to integrate for me but it overwhelmed him and his answer is keeping visits to a minimal when my kids are around. This hurts. But this relationship is not just about me. I love him and that he has tried. And I know he loves me. So we don’t conform to the idea of a normal relationship. But we do enjoy what we have. I’m mum and girlfriend. Point being…… if you love someone enough you try all you can to make it work.

    1. 44.1
      Emily, the original

      Cc,

      My children like him an the fact he makes me happy. But the dream of us all becoming a United front is far off.

      I think what’s often forgotten is that kids are people, too. There’s an automatic, biological bond between parents and children. But when a complete stranger comes into the picture, a relationship has to be formed. Sometimes the person the parent is  dating and the child will form a genuine bond and grow to love each other. Sometimes they won’t click as people but can be polite/civil. And sometimes they don’t get along at all.

      There’s not an automatic rapport between the child and the person the parent is dating simply because the parent feels a bond to both of them.

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