The Secret to Love: Mr. Imperfect is Actually Mr. Right

We interrupt our regular programming for this gem of a letter from a reader. Jeanne embodies the spirit of Advice From a Single Dating Expert and I’m thrilled to give her the floor today.

Like many of you, Jeanne’s a self-described “catch” who was really struggling in love. Seems there were no quality guys for her and she felt woefully unappreciated by the emotionally unavailable men she was meeting. She articulately confessed her frustration, and I wrote her a reply with my typical, “look in the mirror”, “take responsibility”, “see the male side of things” response. I would encourage you to read it before you move forward, because it sets the table for what comes next.

And boy, do I love what comes next:

Dear Evan,

I was reading your response to 3/24/08 Paula and I realize that I have been remiss! Evan, you and I had a special “anniversary” last week.:-)

A year ago, I wrote you in desperation with my dating life. And it seems that I quickly graduated to “Where are all the emotionally available mentally healthy men?” Little did I realize what staying power my issue had :-).

So I would like to give you and your readers an update on my situation – especially since I think it is very, very relevant to Paula.

You were quite harsh with me in your response on 3/21/07 – ouch!!!!:-)

But desperate times require desperate measures, so I held up the mirror and painstakingly went through your commentary for applicability:

1)  Men think women over 40 are “hard”. That was an easy one. You will find no one on the planet more laid back and fun loving than me – and I have a zillion people to verify that :-).

2)  Do I have an over-inflated sense of self and exaggerate in my online dating profile? My pictures were 4 months old. And while I talked about my work “saving the world” so to speak, I also noted that I rode my bicycle into my neighbor’s car because I am a hopeless spaz. :-)  So I was honest in my profile.

3)  Your conclusion? If I was who I said I was, then some single dad would find me irresistible someday.

You were right.  I met him 2 days later.

It took 5 months to make me realize that there was this extraordinary man who was in love with me and who would wait as long as it took for me to get my $h!t together.

Did I know that I had met him? Like Paula, I had an image of what would be the “right” man for me.  Did the gentleman I meet on that date fit? He soooooooooooooooo didn’t – he was bald, gray and wore glasses!

It took 5 months – and a whole lot of dates with other men, and a really bad experience with a man whom I felt explosive ‘chemistry’ with – to make me realize that there was this extraordinary man who was in love with me and who would wait as long as it took for me to get my $h!t together. …

He is brilliant and incredibly witty. And he wants to leave the world in a little better shape than when he joined it and has devoted his entire adult life to that cause. He is a gentleman in the true meaning of the word.  He does his best to be the best man he can be. And when he fails, he grieves terribly. He loves my daughters madly and can’t get enough of being with them. He rarely loses his cool and has great communication skills, even in the most difficult of conversations. And I took a second look at him and thought “hmmm….he kind of has that ‘hot professor’ look going on” – not to mention what he is like as a lover :-).

Its not always been easy – we’ve had a couple of really big issues that were “Evan blog-worthy” and I thought for sure would be dealbreakers. But we dealt with them. And fell more in love.

And we celebrated our one year anniversary this past weekend.

So “Happy Anniversary,” Evan  :-)

Congratulations to Jeanne. You deserve all the credit in the world for focusing on what was really important in a relationship. And this was the SECOND letter today I received from someone who had the SAME EXACT experience as you.

The other person is my private client. She’s in her early sixties, lives in Virginia, and is, by all accounts, a catch. Attractive, successful, opinionated, young for her age. Yet she was really struggling with dating – especially after having her heart crushed by a Match.com guy last year. Together, Katherine and I worked together to give her a new lease on love – with new online photos and essays, of course, but most importantly, with a whole new outlook on dating.

After a month, she was seeing a man who she described as a good guy – but not quite what she was looking for. Turns out he was a little short for her tastes – she can see eye-to-eye with him without heels. And he wasn’t as rugged and manly as her ideal guy. She likes men who can saddle up horses and fix things around the house. The new Match guy didn’t quite qualify, which is why she was on the fence about him.

I asked her to tell me – regardless of this guy – what was most important in a relationship; what she really NEEDED. The list came back as you might expect: a man who treats me well, a man who makes me laugh, a man who loves family, a man who respects women, a man who is cute, a man who is financially stable. “Got it,” I said. “So, how many of those things apply to this Match guy?” She took a moment to think about it. “All of them,” she said, laughing. “I guess I’ll give him another shot.” Here’s what Katherine wrote to me this morning:

One of the best tips you gave me was that the right guy is not necessarily “Mr. Tall, Dark and Handsome.

Dear Evan,

I just want to thank you for your great advice and understanding, as we worked together toward finding the perfect man for me. I really enjoyed our telephone conferences and always looked forward to the next one. Your insight really kept me on track. And although it took literally hours and hours of searching through profiles on various websites, all the hard work paid off. I’m very happy with the new man in my life, and I wouldn’t have found him without your help. One of the best tips you gave me was that the right guy is not necessarily “Mr. Tall, Dark and Handsome.”

Many thanks,

Katherine

What Katherine didn’t say is that she’s taken her Match profile down, introduced the guy to her kids, and is traveling with him in Europe for ten days in April.

If you’re not inspired by this, please check your pulse. 42-year-old single moms finding love? 61-year-old double divorcees finding love? All I can say is this:

I LOVE http://www.evanmarckatz.com/coaching/. Thank you all for trusting me to assist you.

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Comments:

  1. 31
    Markus

    I have to admit that looks get in my way. My ex (of 10 years) was petite and gorgeous…and still is. And for 38 I’ve kept myself in really good shape. I reguarly date women who are great looking and I suppose it keeps the fires stoked if you know what I mean. I do feel shallow when I dismiss someone based on aesthetics though.:(

  2. 32
    Lance

    @Jerseygirl: You’ll notice in my comment that I never said older (or younger) = better, I just said has more value. By most social metrics, a richer, wiser, more experienced gentleman is going to have more value than a younger man. Guys in their 20s? Often times frat boys, as you say. Immature, perhaps in debt, unstable, low emotional intelligence. They may LOOK better, sure. But when compared side by side, all of the other things trump the looks.

    Besides, I was generally speaking about guys in their 40s having high value…after you go well over the proverbial hill, your social value begins to diminish. This is all generally speaking.

    Also, older guys who want younger women isn’t a sign of immaturity…I actually think it’s the opposite! It’s a sign that we’re following and embracing our deeply etched attraction circuits. Just like when younger women (Kristy Hinze) fall in love with older billionaires (Jim Clark). She’s attracted to his social value and his personality. Not his looks.

    I’m not hating on older women. I love older women and I’m attracted to them also. I’m also attracted to 20 year olds. I refuse to make judgments on the why of attraction. It just is, and I embrace it.

  3. 33
    Victoria

    I don’t know guys, to me a passionate personality and wild eyes are pretty much it!! There are so many gorgeous looking men out there but if there is nothing in the eyes I’m done with them…A boring man with money and looks is SO not my type.

  4. 34
    Steve


    Victoria Mar 28th 2008 at 06:10 pm 33
    I don’t know guys, to me a passionate personality and wild eyes are pretty much it!! There are so many gorgeous looking men out there but if there is nothing in the eyes I’m done with them A boring man with money and looks is SO not my type.

    I guess there is nothing for me to do then. Excuse me I am going to go make a call to my broker before falling asleep to c-span :)

  5. 35
    Mattie

    Personally, I’d love to meet a man who: DOESN’T denigrate me in public and slap me in private; DOES think it’s great that I graduated summa cum laude, had – once – a good career, and speak a language or two as well as having done plentiful voluntary work; DOES regard me as strong and brave, for having stood on my own two feet for so long and emerged with backbone and sense of humour intact – despite the depredations of a prodigal, abusive husband, two redundancies, a near-fatal critical illness and loss of home, career, friends, members of family and pets within past 7 years.

    But, hey, now I’m destitute – nobody’ll come near me (oh, and by the way, that includes women as much as men. I think British people regard poverty as contagious; sounds much the same in the US).

    The hideous – and probably hilarious – paradox is that all those men out there who go on (and on, and on, and on) about how many women are gold-diggers would naturally despise someone like me, just the same! Despite all evidence to the contrary (earned more than my husband; we lived in a property in London bought by me before we met, and re-mortgaged in order to pay off HIS debts, etc., etc.).

    I’m tenacious by nature; but this is one field in which I can now never hope to succeed.

    Good luck to you, one and all!

    Byeeeeeeeeeeeex

  6. 36
    starthrower68

    Look Evan, new keyboard, no hyphens!

    I like the last couple of stories because there is someone for everyone. I’ve been chatting with a guy on-line that kind of follows the theme here. He’s not Mr. GQ, Mr. Moneybags, or anything like that. I think he’s cute but he describes himself as a troll, and he is an overweight guy. But we have great conversations and we have many likes and dislikes in common. It all sounds great, right? Yes, I’m looking at the right things. Here’s the problem: he lives 9 hours away. Neither one of us can relocate and neither one of us really wants to do a long-distance relationship.

    I guess I just press on and trust that God has someone really great for me, or He changes circumstances to make this one work out. There isn’t much else for me to do.

  7. 37
    steve

    I’m a princess and I deserve perfection in a man even though there’s no such thing as perfection! TEE HEE!

  8. 38
    starthrower68

    Ok, Steve, I feel like I need to check to make sure whether or not that was for me. Not to be vain or offended, but I am many things and princess is NOT one of them!

  9. 39
    Li-Ann

    I liked Jersey’s Girls post, and Mattie’s comment “how many women are gold-diggers would naturally despise someone like me”.

    Not all women are gold diggers – I was most definitely not. I paid my share, or paid in full on dates. I supported my ex through school, and I met him when he had no car, did not have a steady job, etc. I paid for his clothes, courses, meals, rent, etc. Did not make him respect me any more. A random hottie could walk by who would want have big financial demands, and he’d turn his head every time. If he had the money for her, he’d shell it out without complaint. When we split and he finally had a good job, his plan was to find a younger woman and spend money on her.

    I got the impression that many guys do not mind paying if the woman is young and hot. The fact that I always paid my fair share made little difference in terms of my volume of dates.

    I am very very sorry for any man who has been hurt by a gold digger, and I know they are out there. It is sad to see that so many men think most women are gold diggers. I agree that many are, but many aren’t, it is just that the non-gold diggers might not be young, hot & pretty, so they get ignored. Just like the “nice guys finish last” theory.

    Yet I’ve only met one woman who is a gold digger – and she has had more dates and boyfriends than I’ve ever had. The other two I heard about through men I knew – these were east European women that men met through foreign bride sites. Both guys complained about getting ripped off financially, but that can partially be explained by dating someone you hardly know who thinks she is going to get a rich American guy.

    I guess with her it is about attitude. She is very self confident, and I think she makes men feel like they’re lucky to date her. She simply would not reach for her purse. (Ha! – I know her and the few times we’ve gone for lunch, she waits for me to pay too!). Yet, she has had several very generous boyfriends over the 10 year I’ve known her, and she always initiated the break ups when she found someone she thought was better.

    And, yes, as to the subject at hand, I find for many women including myself, a man can grow on me over time. If you have to be purely realistic about it, you simply will spend a lot of time alone if you wait for a man who meets all your qualifications. Unfortunately, when you are a young woman, you think you have time to wait for this guy, then the years fly by, and you may not have found him, but now your value to men has gone down. Even though it would be nice if more men valued personality over looks (and some men do value personality), as Evan has repeatedly pointed out, that is not the reality out there.

    So eventually, if you wait to settle in your early 40s, you have even fewer men to select from. It would have been better to settle in your late 20s in terms of choice, but I know that most will think they still have time. I know I did. At this point I’d be happy with someone with a kind personality, not abusive, and who is intelligent. But at this point since I’m in my early 40s, even those men are not available to me.

    If I’ve said anything to offend any one here, I apologize in advance. Just looking at it from my experience, bu I recognize that everyone out there has a different experience.

  10. 40
    starthrower68

    Li-Ann your observations are interesting, and studying the human condition is always good for hours of entertainment.

    I’ve learned to look at dating like this: I am not perfect, like anyone, but I believe I have many redeeming qualities and I love myself in a balanced way. I will treat my date as well as I know how, and do so with integrity and honor. Then if I get dumped because I am not this or I am not that, I can at least hold my head high for remaining a class act. I’m not obessing over what I did wrong.

    I believe that an emotionally healthy, mature, self-respecting man will know when he’s found a good thing and hold on to it (provided he and the woman are compatible). Neither men or women have the market cornered on being flaky. Some people just “ain’t right” but I believe that for the most part, some people cannot connect because they have gotten hurt somewhere along the line. I try to look at it in those terms and it keeps me from taking it personally when someone disappears on me.

  11. 41
    Collins

    Li-Ann wrote of her experience: “I got the impression that many guys do not mind paying if the woman is young and hot. The fact that I always paid my fair share made little difference in terms of my volume of dates.”

    I’m sorry you ended up with a guy like that, yet glad the r’ship is over. It’s his loss. But women like you are precisely the kind I look for: peers, not trophies. I detest guys like your ex no less than I do the golddiggers. Such guys don’t realize that women’s sexuality is “not coin-activated, it’s voice-activated” (my favorite quote by Marc Rudov). A guy can’t buy a woman’s love; he must earn it through talk (sincere talk, not pickup lines). As for me, I don’t care how “hot” the woman is; if she insists that I buy her dinner when I don’t even know her yet, the date’s off. I’ll take a Plain Jane who pays her share any day!

    Thanks also, Li-Ann, for noting how the princess mentality is NOT confined to American/Western women. No matter where in the world you live/go (or which gender you are/seek) there are people who’d make good mates for you AND those who would not.

  12. 42
    Paul

    I think women…gold diggers aside…are naturally wired to look for security. What woman with any self respect wants a man who cannot provide? It’s what they look for, and should look for. We men are supposed to be providers and are wired to go out a conquer and be successful…what are we complaining about women looking for guys who look at what we make for? They have a right to! I think the guys that complain are the ones who don’t go out in life and make it happen for themselves. Girls, you keep on looking for those qualities because you know what will happen if you don’t…you end up in 20 years with a guy you realize is going nowhere and never will. If that’s OK with you that’s fine, but most women want the man to at least be trying to improve their lives…in short, no woman wants a loser !

  13. 43
    starthrower68

    Paul, I agree with you to an extent (I want to choose my words carefully so as not to offend). I believe that what a man earns is not mine to know unless he is VERY serious about me. I also think women have to be careful about judging his line of work; truckers, auto mechanics, and certain “non-white collar” professions command a decent wage because of the skill level and training involved. For me, it’s not “is he a good provider?”, but it can be an indicator of his level of motivation, confidence, and self-respect. I don’t need a meal ticket, but I don’t want to do all the heavy lifting, either. And, is he doing what he loves? If he hates his job, will I have to deal with anger and complaining, or is he happy and fulfilled in his work and will that joy be contagious?

  14. 44
    Stella Guillaume

    This was really inspirational. Thank you for a brilliant site. 43 South Africa

  15. 45
    Stella Guillaume

    Thank you for the inspiration.

  16. 46
    Andrea

    Aw, man, I was one week late reading last week’s post (kept flagging it to read later) and missed one hell of a “party”. I like it when Evan jumps in like the dad or teacher and reminds everyone to play nice, and I like the level of intelligent comments here and their diversity. Hell, we’re a literate bunch here and that counts for something.

    Jeanne reminds me of how impatient some of us are. We go out with someone on one date and if we don’t feel that instant connection, we move on. She still thought of her now-boyfriend months later and it made her reevaluate, and this is a good thing. As I get older I’m becoming less impatient because I’ve had more experiences in which I meet a guy in a non-dating context (e.g. in a group of mutual friends), get to know him platonically over a number of months and then develop a crush. Because there was no assessment of him as a match in the first place- other than the usual “do I like this guy, can I see myself dating him” moment – and because we hung out in a casual context, we were able to get to know each other as friends. This has happened a few times and resulted in some of my favourite relationships. I’m still friends with these guys, even the one with whom the break up was painful. Establishing a friendship first is a great way to fall for someone who doesn’t meet the usual criteria or who doesn’t necessarily make a great first impression.

    Regarding dating “older”, this weekend I decided that, like some wine, men get better with age. I’m in my early 30s now and am interested to see if that theory will hold a decade from now, but I don’t want to test it as a single 40-something. I’ll save details of my theory to use as a response for a more relevant post.

  17. 47
    JerseyGirl

    Lance-

    I think you missed some key points in my post to you. You asked a question, and I gave my perspective as a woman in my 20s that has dated both older guys and guys my age. Most of my friends are getting married to or are in serious relationships with men their own age, give or take a few years; not older 40 year old financially well off men. That is not to say it doesn’t happen. Of course it does and that is fine! I am just relating my experiences and opinions.

    The example you keep wanting to use with Kirsty Hinze is really uncomparable to most normal people’s life experience. It would be like me comparing my life to Jennifer Anistons.

    I also never said it was immature for an older man to be attracted to a younger woman. Where the immaturity comes in is when an older man ONLY dates seriously younger ladies and is only attracted to younger ladies. That will be an unattractive mind frame for an older or younger woman alike. That younger lady is only going to get older. Most women want a man that they can grow older with, physically and emotionally. And a big sign in a man’s emotional intelligence is looking at how the man acts, what he finds attractive and so on. The type of men I am attracted to has changed and grown over the years. I am looking for no less in that in a man.

    Having money does not always equal being more vaulable. And I know plenty of older men that do not have their junk together even if they are set up fine with money. Heck! I dated a Yale graduated stock broker in NYC who was 40 years old and wanted to give me money for my education and wanted to marry me. Dating him taught me that older and richer is not always better. I soon broke up with him after those offers because I could never take that from him and it made me realize that I did not see him for long term potential. He was well off and rich but I don’t consider him better then some of the 25 year old guys I have dated. And I am only relating my own opinion as you asked for.

    As for not making judgments, we all make judgements. It isn’t that you refuse to make judgments, you clearly are making your own and if you go back in your own posts you can see a dozen examples of that. It is that you refuse to make baised judgements against yourself. There is a big difference between the two.

  18. 48
    Deathslayer

    I find it interesting that an old man who chases young women is a pervert yet an old woman who does the same with young men is empowered.

    Let me give you the cliffnotes of what the men are trying to say.

    TICK TICK TICK TICK TICK TICK TICK TICK

    IT GOES FOR ALL FEMALES.

    Women have an expiration date. Men don’t.

    Period.

    It’s not gonna change.

    If we look at you and we don’t get a hard on WE AINT GETTIN A HARD ON. It doesn’t matter how much money is involved or if the beer keg is loaded with viagra. Men are visual creatures.

    And let me bust out a news flash for you.

    WOMEN ARE JUST AS VISUAL.

    If you look at a guy and you don’t get aroused, IT AINT HAPPENIN!! EVER!

    Now that we have established that both sexes ARE EQUALLY VISUAL, it is time to pay attention to something.

    An older guy has a lot better shot at a younger woman than vice versa.

    I DON’T WANT SOME GRANDMA AND I DON’T THINK ANY OTHER GUY DOES EITHER.

    40.

    That’s the magic number for ladies. When they hit this age things go downhill. Fast.

    For men, if they stay in reasonable shape, they can look forward to being called “distinguished”.

    If women don’t marry young and marry smart, you will have nothing when you reach middle age.

    If you are solo at middle age the next guy you will hook up with is the grim reaper.

    Instead of debating/arguing with us, try this little exercise. Take the information and the attitudes that you are reading from these types of forums, and start convincing your fellow females to change their behavior. In all of your myopic glory you women forget one major point.

    You are only sexually desirable for 2 decades.
    Your twenties and your thirties. Time flies.

    You might wanna make the most of it.

    Not to be super vulgar or anything, but you have to be either married or really desperate to bang an older woman.

    No matter how much plastic surgery she has had or how much makeup she puts on, pretty much all women past 40 have the wonderful benefits of:

    (1) Severe loss of muscle tone, especially if she does not actively lift weights. Of course, this happens to men as well, but since we have more testosterone than women and more muscle overall, it is not as pronounced. Skinny older women look even more nasty as they get veiny man hands and start looking rather gaunt as if they were concentration camp survivors.

    Ironically, slightly chunkier old women sometimes look better because the fat hides the loss of muscle tone.

    (2) They will get that cottage cheese look all over their body. Many women nowadays, get the cellulite sucked out, but there is a limit to the number of times you can hit the plastic surgeon up for liposuction before it becomes unsafe.

    (3) Loss of posture. Just look at Madonna in her latest music videos. No doubt she keeps herself in great shape for her age, but her frame is waning. This is why all girls should drink a lot of milk because once you get older and your bones start losing calcium like crazy, you will need all that you can get to prevent your body from withering into a decrepit unsavory unbalanced skeleton.

    (4) Boobs sag. Even the best bra can do nothing about this. Oh and you can get plastic surgery of course, but then the skin is stretched even more which creates a veiny unnatural “the skin on these boobs is so stretched it looks like it is about to burst” look.

    (5) Voice becomes more manly, especially if they have been smoking for a bunch of years. Kinda like Fran Drescher but only more unattractive.

    Oh yeah, something to think about, men:
    http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/health/4790313.stm

    Security ‘bad news for sex drive’

    Differences in sexual appetite may be driven by evolution

    A woman’s sex drive begins to plummet once she is in a secure relationship, according to research.

    Researchers from Germany found that four years into a relationship, less than half of 30-year-old women wanted regular sex.

    Conversely, the team found a man’s libido remained the same regardless of how long he had been in a relationship.

    Deathslayer

  19. 49
    Andrea

    JerseyGirl: Great reply with #47, and thank you for emphasizing that you’re relating your experiences, which may not reflect generally “the way it is”.

    While I disagree with most of Deathslayer’s comments and think that it’s just a bunch of generalizations, I agree with the following:
    “Women are just as visual” and (paraphrasing) “If you look at a guy and you don’t get aroused, it’s not happening.”

    Also, I had a conversation with a married male friend last night that supported Deathslayer’s statement about reduced sex drive four years into a relationship.

    Of course, this won’t apply to everyone.

  20. 50
    vino

    Deathslayer wrote”

    “(4) Boobs sag.”

    I wonder if he’s ever visited Scottsdale. I have. It would seem Newton’s gravity laws do no apply there nor would the above quote. :-)

    A little humor for everyone.

  21. 51
    MuleChewingBriairs

    [i]Turns out he was a little short for her tastes – she can see eye-to-eye with him without heels. And he wasn’t as rugged and manly as her ideal guy. She likes men who can saddle up horses and fix things around the house. The new Match guy didn’t quite qualify, which is why she was on the fence about him.[/i]

    Very interesting that men are known to advise each other to think with Big Head instead of Little Head. The lack of a handy female equivalent to such a saying makes me a little hesitant, but both Jeanne and Katherine proved themselves capable of it.

  22. 52
    JerseyGirl

    Thanks Andrea

    DeathSlayer, I think your post boarders on being mean spirited and bitter. Maybe we should thank you for telling us women how little we matter to men and how little we should expect as women. After all, men never “expire” and women do. Your message is clear. Men are better, and women are crap. Thank you for showing me the way some men can view women.

    —————————————————————————–
    A woman’s sex drive begins to plummet once she is in a secure relationship, according to research.

    Researchers from Germany found that four years into a relationship, less than half of 30-year-old women wanted regular sex.
    —————————————————————————-

    You leave out the part that while a man’s libido might not change in a secure relationship, the way he treats his partner often does. He no longer makes the effort to woo her and make her feel special. So a by-product is that a woman’s libido can go down if she does not feel as if her mate is interested in her. And as you felt the need to point out, women only get worse with age. How do you expect women to feel sexy and desireable and wanting to have sex if all yo uwant to remind women is how unattractive and how little they matter next to anyone who is younger?

    1. 52.1
      Lily

      Absolutely. My last boyfriend had an ex wife who had an affair and left him. I broke up with him after a couple of years because he was a dirty fighter and was really mean if he did not get his own way. When he exhibited that behavior, I felt absolutely no sexual desire for him. I knew it would only get worse if we married, so  I ended the relationship. I later got to know his ex-wife and she suffered every time he got angry. if people are matched in their sexual energy and then one person does not want sex or has an affair, it is symptomatic of other problems in the relationship. 
      And, I am 54 and have the body of a 30-year-old and a very high sex drive. I don’t like it when men get on here and make blanket stereotypical statements about women. I also get several dates a week from new men. Evan has helped women of all ages find love. I don’t appreciate the ageism in the previous post. 

  23. 53
    Li-Ann

    Thank you JerseyGirl for what your response.

    This is cruel and I have nothing further to say.

  24. 54
    Deathslayer

    DeathSlayer, I think your post boarders on being mean spirited and bitter.
    *
    Why does it sound ‘mean and bitter? Would you like for me to post the article that says that Middle aged women lamenting that they are not having sex anymore? What of the article that says that married couples are having LESS sex?

    Maybe we should thank you for telling us women how little we matter to men and how little we should expect as women.
    *
    Nah, no thanks needed. The marriage boycott, the home paternity test, men like Marc Rudov and the rise of single women and single mothers proves my point quite nicely.

    Then there’s this:
    “He Had It Coming”.

    Insider Divorce Tactics
    Every Woman Needs to Know

    It’s all about getting even… We all know that women earn less than men, and unfortunately this also applies to the spoils of divorce. Veteran trial attorney and former divorce lawyer Stacy Schneider, Esq., knows what it takes to get women their fair share, and now, using examples from her own practice and her own divorce, she is making the strategies that worked for her available to you!

    After all, men never expire and women do. Your message is clear. Men are better, and women are crap.
    *
    Never said that. Nice projection, though. Notice that a woman’s LOOKS are the hook, but PERSONALITY are the keeper. Notice I also said that IF a man keeps himself in shape, he has a better shot. How many women follow that same concept? BTW, men DO expire, but HISTORY shows that men PREFER younger women…older women will get noticed IF they have something besides looks.

    Thank you for showing me the way some men can view women.
    *
    No, thank you for the shaming tactics that are so obvious I can point them out. Madame, judging by the amount of single women AND the women who agree with my statements, I’d say that more and more people are realizing this and despite what the media tells women, the media CANNOT control what men like in women.

  25. 55
    Deathslayer

    You leave out the part that while a man’s libido might not change in a secure relationship, the way he treats his partner often does.
    *
    That’s why a smart man keeps the treatment balanced. He makes sure she wants him for him and NOT what she can get from him. Otherwise she falls into the legal escort/prostitute category.

    He no longer makes the effort to woo her and make her feel special.
    *
    She no longer feels the need to EARN that feeling. Ask any woman in a relationship did the man EVER do anything for her and she’ll either say NO or say he used to do it until he got ‘comfortable’ with me and he didn’t do anything FOR ME. Now, ask the woman did she show him the same support, love, affection and PERSONALITY and she’ll come up with an excuse.

    “Dr Dietrich Klusmann, lead author of the study and a psychologist from Hamburg-Eppendorf University Hospital, believed the differences were down to human evolution.

    He said: “For men, a good reason their sexual motivation to remain constant would be to guard against being cuckolded by another male.”

    But women, he said, have evolved to have a high sex drive when they are initially in a relationship in order to form a “pair bond” with their partner.

    But, once this bond is sealed a woman’s sexual appetite declines, he added. ”

    Care to explain that from the article I posted?

    So a by-product is that a woman’s libido can go down if she does not feel as if her mate is interested in her. And as you felt the need to point out, women only get worse with age.
    *
    This leads to an interesting question: What IS the value of a woman’s libido?

    Is there any difference between this and prostitution?

    “The rational for why a woman’s sex drive declines may be down to supply and demand. If something is in infinite supply, the perceived value would drop.”

    Forbes covered this:
    The Economics Of Prostitution
    http://www.forbes.com/2006/02/11/economics-prostitution-marriage_cx_mn_money06_0214prostitution.html

    How do you expect women to feel sexy and desireable and wanting to have sex if all yo uwant to remind women is how unattractive and how little they matter next to anyone who is younger?
    *
    Notice I ALSO said that a woman with a PERSONALITY and something to offer a man BESIDES sex is one that has a better shot at KEEPING a man?

    Notwithstanding Jerry Hall’s quip when she was married to Mick Jagger, about being “a maid in the living room and a whore in the bedroom,” one normally cannot be both a wife and a whore. “Combine this with the fact that marriage can be an important source of income for women, and it follows that prostitution must pay better than other jobs to compensate for the opportunity cost of forgone-marriage market earnings,” Edlund and Korn conclude.

    Ouch.

    Another zinger: “This begs the question of why married men go to prostitutes (rather than buying from their wives, who presumably will be low-cost providers, considering that they can sell nonreproductive sex without compromising their marriage).” Guys, nothing says “Happy Valentine’s Day” more than “low-cost provider.”

    Also, women DO get THEIR needs met…with other men.
    More and more MARRIED women are cheating with other men, mostly married men to the tune of 62% to mens 68% and women aren’t feeling sorry about it.

    Check out http://www.womensinfidelity.com/ for some proof that women WILL take another man to make themselves FEEL sexy and have sex.

    Deathslayer

  26. 56
    Deathslayer

    From a friend:
    If one is planning on marriage, one must select the woman to fit real needs in marriage, whatever they are in the life of a given man.

    Let me give an example in hope of making my point clear.

    If you are wealthy and live in Germany near the Autobahn, a Ferrari may be a very practical car to own. The thought of blasting down the ‘Bahn at 170 mph really sounds like fun, doesn’t it? Especially if you can afford a Ferrari and its maintenance requirements.

    Next, let us imagine a Nebraska crop farmer. He needs a vehicle for ka-chugging to town to pick up cow feed or tractor parts, or driving around the pasture to check the fences.

    A Ferrari wouldn’t be much good to him.

    He probably will buy a good used eight or ten year old Ford or Chevrolet 1/2 ton pickup, something that he won’t care if it gets dents and scratches.

    Not every young man — nor old one for that matter — understands the same concept applies to wives as well, if he wishes to stay married.

    And, the real problem is men who confuse what they WANT with what they need. What they want, if they get it, can make for a great honeymoon — and sometimes not even that.

    When I counseled divorced men, from time to time there would be a man who would tell sad tales of woe. We would discover he had wanted, and obtained,

    a wife with a gorgeous face,
    a great chest,

    and not much else.

    Then, when his marriage went to Hell, it was a total surprise to him.

    And, two or three years later, the same man would be back. He picked another woman, gorgeous face, great chest, and his second marriage was already toast. He would be furious.

    We would try to tell him, “Maybe you had better stop looking for a gorgeous face and a great chest.”

    He would say, shocked to his core, “Nope! I gotta’ have a good looking wife.” And, went charging off looking for another 10. Of course, that wouldn’t happen today, because financially these guys aren’t left with enough to live on, not to mention finding another wife.

    So, what was the problem? Tens, or even nines, are from the day they are born, attention whores. “Oh, isn’t that little girl so pretty! Here, have a lollipop, little girl.” They learn at a very young age to take this for granted.

    And, it doesn’t stop when she grows up. So, most of them become addicted to attention. And, alas for the poor devil who marries one, IT MUST STOP WHEN THEY MARRY.

    When they marry, that’s great for the honeymoon, but after that, things mellow out.

    Suddenly, being taken out to fancy restaurants,
    perhaps weekend trips to luxury resorts,
    changing to the everyday realities of marriage is nearly an impossible transition.

    She is expected to clean house;
    wash clothes;
    cook once in a while.

    This marriage is doomed.

    Of course, there are exceptions. If she marries a CEO of a large company, there may be plenty of golf dates, and business banquets. Even there, as you well know, she may be boinking the pool boy to get back the excitement of her life before marriage.

    That is why one must know what he needs from a wife.

    But, for the most part, when a man says, “I gotta’ have…” to me his fate is sealed, and at his own hand.

    It is apparent he has confused what he wants with what he needs, and what he wants is not conducive to avoiding divorce.

    If your marriage is going to be a typical one, you probably need a wife who can and will perform domestic chores, even if you help her. In that case, you need a domestic woman.

    One who really doesn’t mind cleaning, scrubbing, washing, folding, and ironing clothes.
    One who enjoys making a nice meal two or three times a day.

    As simply as I can put it, if you need a domestic wife, you had darned well better marry a proven domestic woman. Not a ten.
    Not a world class intellectual.

    There are men who may in fact need such women. Good for them, but MEN must decide what their own needs are.

    Deathslayer

  27. 57
    naturegirl

    Sometimes I wonder why some of you are still single. Others prove it by their words and opinions.

  28. 58
    starthrower68

    Ah deathslayer, fortunately there are plenty of 20 and 30-something dim-bulbs. They will confuse such a tone for assertiveness and confidence rather than snottieness.

    I’ve said it before and will say it again: ladies you have just as many options as men do and don’t let ANYONE tell you otherwise. The key to a successful, happy relationship is not what you look like or your age but it is the esteem with which your hold yourselves. Be a woman of honor, integrity, and class, who is happy and fulfilled in your own lifes and the emotionally healthy, mature men who want the real thing will appear.

  29. 59
    Deathslayer

    Ah deathslayer, fortunately there are plenty of 20 and 30-something dim-bulbs. They will confuse such a tone for assertiveness and confidence rather than snottieness.
    *
    And some would see your comment as an outta ammo attack instead of a subtle snub with zero evidence to support it.

    I’ve supported my words with links to actual articles…all you’ve done is make a snide comment. It’s not assertiveness or confidence…it’s called the truth and reality.

    I’ve said it before and will say it again: ladies you have just as many options as men do and don’t let ANYONE tell you otherwise. The key to a successful, happy relationship is not what you look like or your age but it is the esteem with which your hold yourselves. Be a woman of honor, integrity, and class, who is happy and fulfilled in your own lifes and the emotionally healthy, mature men who want the real thing will appear.

    Deathslayer

  30. 60
    vino

    I gotta say, ds makes a fair amount of sense . . .

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