Should I Be Concerned If My New Guy Is Into Porn?

Dear Evan,

I met this guy online and he is incredible. One thing though, I saw a bunch of porn magazines in his bathroom. Should I be concerned?

Tarry

Dear Tarry,

Uh, no.

And for the sake of having a blog post longer than two words, I’m going to try and think of five reasons that you shouldn’t be too concerned.

  1. He masturbates. The porn helps to stimulate him. It would be far stranger to if he didn’t have porn. When your sexual peak has passed you by at age 18, when your hormones are no longer raging, and when you’ve had your fair share of sex, it takes more to get yourself going. Magazines don’t even work for me anymore. Good for him.
  2. He left it out in the open. This is not a guy who feels he has something to hide. Isn’t that much better than a guy who has an alphabetical stash of DVD’s piled up in the recesses of his closet?
  3. He’s comfortable in his own skin. I remember going to a writer’s house back when I was 24 years old and seeing a Playboy in the bathroom. I thought it was so edgy to display it in the magazine rack. And he had a wife who let him do this! Years later, I can’t understand why I found this so remarkable. My Playboy sits in the magazine rack next to my toilet. My girlfriend and her best friend were just citing the Norman Mailer piece in this month’s issue – her best friend read it at her boyfriend’s place. Honestly, ladies – there are some really good articles in there.
  4. He probably isn’t going to be vanilla in the bedroom. A guy who fantasizes in a healthy way is more likely to mix it up a bit.
  5. He openly appreciates the female body. We can discuss airbrushing, fake boobs, unrealistic standards, the male gaze, and the negative societal impact of pornography – all of which is valid – but the simple truth is – men look at breasts with slack-jawed wonder. Better to understand this very base desire than to fight it every step of the way.

I’m sure there are more reasons, but it doesn’t much matter. All that matters is if YOU’RE okay with it. If you’re not, all of the above rationalizations won’t mean a thing to you – and are most likely to piss you off.

But I’ll tell you, whenever I hear about a woman who takes her hubby to a strip club on occasion, I think that’s pretty cool. Instead of trying to enforce the unrealistic fantasy that he’ll never have eyes for another woman, she brings him to a source of temptation, gets him all hot and bothered, and allows him to indulge in fantasy for a night, before taking it out on him in the bedroom. That’s not just sexy; it’s smart.

Moreover, it’s far healthier than the alternative approach: “Look at another woman and you’re dead!”

Moreover, it’s far healthier than the alternative approach: “Look at another woman and you’re dead!”

Denying someone the right to do something is a sure ticket to resentment. Just ask any disciplinarian parent who’s had a kid rebel by smoking pot or getting an earring. The fight to prevent the act is far worse than the act itself.

To be clear, my “endorsement” of pornography isn’t a blanket statement. Porn can absolutely be problematic. If your guy knows the name of every porn actress, it’s a problem. If he has a lifelike doll that sits with its mouth open in his closet, it’s a problem. If he blows half his pay check at the strip club, it’s a problem. If he locks himself in his room for hours at a time to please himself while you’re in the house, it’s a problem. If he’s into violence or treats you in a manner you don’t want to be treated, it’s problem.

But if he’s got a Playboy next to the toilet?

That just means he’s a guy.

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Comments:

  1. 1
    Markus

    For the most part I agree with Evan. Girls, guys look at porn. Really. There’s not much you can do about it. Evan’s guidelines are also pretty good for when it’s a problem. That said, “a bunch of porn magazines in the bathroom” may be close to that line. A Playboy in the bathroom? No biggie. A stack of Swank/Legshow/Club? An issue.

  2. 2
    juLiette

    THANK YOU.

  3. 3
    Leah

    Here, here! It drives me nuts when women think it’s wrong for men to look at porn. Men are visual. Period. As long as they’re not out there hiring hookers and spending every night at strip clubs–I say let ‘em look!

    1. 3.1
      suzanna

      If you are a woman I’m assuming you have never felt “left out” by the man who enjoys porn. If you feel that he spends as much time lusting over your body as a man would at a naked girl in a magazine than that might explain why you aren’t threatened. Either that or you are more in your masculine energy which most women who are okay with porn are. Usually masculine women can handle stuff that more feminine women can’t.  

  4. 4
    Zann

    By the way, many women read porn, too…including feminists. Oh yea, I used to get out my feminist flag & wave it about, raging about porn’s impact on how men collectively view women, the power implications, and how young men will be influenced if sucked into porn’s evil vortex. What a mighty tempest in a tea pot. The multi-layered political issues surrounding porn are daunting, to be sure, but I believe we’ve got bigger fish to fry. Like genocide, starvation and war, thanks. And I’m assuming the porn we’re talking about does not involve children, snuff, human slavery or exploitation. Regardless of what anti-porn zealots say, it is easy to separate porn depicting paid, consenting adults and the illegal stuff. And if the problem is women feeling objectified, oh my goodness, why would you stop with porn? You’d have to eliminate about 75% of all advertising and the entire fashion industry. My bigger point is that porn DOES objectify both men and women because it’s supposed to, it has only one goal: to stimulate through fantasy. Why humans like this has been debated by people smarter than me, and I don’t think there’s ever been a definitive answer, but porn’s as old as dirt. But it IS about fantasy, so it doesn’t mean that if your man looks at those cosmetically altered, hairless, airbrushed “perfect” women that he’s suddenly going to expect that you, or the rest of the female population, look like that up close & personal. And look at him! My guess is that he’s not the perfectly smooth, bronzed, abs & buns of steel man you see depicted in most porn publications or in men’s “health” magazines? Does that make you desire him less?As already pointed out, there’s a time when there should be concerns — like when it becomes an addiction and his real world fails to arouse or interest him whatsoever. Like any other addiction, it’s a problem when it starts causing problems in other areas his life: financially, employment, isolation. If a couple is trusting enough, porn can be a fun, reliable resource for those times when lovemaking between you and your familiar sweetie just needs a little kick-start or variety, which happens to the best of us.

  5. 5
    BeenThruTheWars

    Porn becomes a problem when you wake up in the morning and your computer is crashed because your man stole away from your bed at 5 a.m. to sign up on a gay cruising site (at least the bastard used his own credit card). Porn becomes a problem when your man pressures you to accompany him to strip clubs and pouts for days when you refuse. Porn becomes a problem when you are doing a Mapquest on his computer and you go to retrieve something from his browser history — and see what he’s been laying eyeballs on every day for the past three months. (“Extreme Barnyard Fun”?? Give me a break.) Those are indicators of a sexual addiction requiring professional help, or at the very least a 12-step program. That is a case of HIV waiting to happen. Compare and contrast to a stack of porn magazines in your new boyfriend’s bathroom and I believe you’ll see where Evan is coming from.

  6. 6
    Marc

    I’m always amazed when women think that guys have no other sexual outlet outside of traditional sex. What do you think we do when we’re not with you, or not in a relationship? We masturbate. Sometimes, even twice a day!

    1. 6.1
      suzanna

      Maybe your girlfriend/wife should join the porn industry and become a nude stripper. Afterall, if she can’t be your fantasy, she will definitely be a BUNCH of other men’s WILDEST fantasies! Because that’s what a woman truly needs from her man, she wants to be YOUR fantasy, she wants to give you her body and feel that it’s something VERY special to you. Not so special though when she see’s PERFECT BARE NAKED women to whom you are enjoying and probably imagining in your mind while you’re at work or taking a shower, or fixing your car, or eating dinner!!!
      Women want to be DESIRED. Those porn stars and strippers are getting EXACTLY that to a “T”. I would rather be DESIRED by my man than LOVED.  Better BOTH.
      And for all the women out there who will watch porn or look at porn, or visit a strip club with your man, HE is not paying attention to YOU, he’s paying attention to the stripper or porn star, THEY are the object of his desire, not you!! It is a BIG insult to you as a woman and quite embarresing.
       

  7. 7
    downtowngal

    I agree with Evan. I think it’s only an issue if he turns to porn instead of being physical with you. Same thing with women and our ‘girtoys’.

    You haven’t said for how long you’ve been dating, but as your relationship progresses you’ll have a better sense of how much his interest in pron affects your relationship. Some couples enjoy watching porn together, it all depends on your comfort zone.

    And a note to the guys out there – if you’re trying to impress a woman and don’t know her that well, show a little discretion, don’t keep the playboys laying about in your living room.

  8. 8
    Ava Mazur

    Im jaded on this issue. Yes most people have a healthy relationship with porn. It can be some inspiration for some quality me time. That being said I was in a relationship where my ex’s relationship with porn was an addiction and quite frankly a perversion. I was fortunate enough to stumble across this truth 2 days before wedding invitations were to be dropped in the mail. I ignored all the waring signs: Staying up late on the computer, inability to perform, avoiding sexual realtions with me, lying, mysterious credit card charges (they dont come up as porn just generic names), there was never any history on the computer…lots of little things can add up.

    So in summary, I dont really think you have a reason to worry. However, dont be a camel like I was and burry your head in the sand. If your gut says something isnt right…trust it. If you gut says hey hes a horny guy…stop reading my response and go get it on!

  9. 9
    gale

    i was married to a porn addict for 17 years. he preferred movies and mags and many times masturbated up to 10 times a day – to the point of irritating the seminal vesical and ejaculating blood semen. he said he did not find me “attractive” and preferred the mags and flicks. i lived frustrated and feeling unattractive inspite of any and all efforts to ‘jazz’ up the sex scene with props and costumes and ‘talkin’ dirty’. i usually felt like a substitute for the models he adored when he had to close his eyes and concentrate really hard just to orgasm during sex with me.

    as for the blow up doll and other ‘signals’ you mentioned above, i thought i might add this: when i met him he had penthouse and playboy mags in open view in his apartment and told me his roommate subscribed to all of the x-rated cable channels. 3 months after we were married i got a phone bill for $300 long distance to 900 telephone numbers — calls between 1 and 4 am when i thought he was sleeping soundly next to me. a few years later he was driving 35 miles to rent ‘illegal’ pornography (in state we lived in) that was copied to video from satellite dish. maybe he was ok and maybe i had the problem – but i prefer men who don’t have such habits and would strongly urge any woman i know to avoid guys like this. and believe me, there are guys out there who don’t over do the porn – they just walk a fine line since this is addicting. just like alcohol and other drugs – pornography abuse makes a man emotionally unavailable. pornography is a slippery slope that can end up making everyone’s life miserable.

    1. 9.1
      Adam

      Obviously he had a major problem. He definitely needed a 12 step program to get over his addiction, without a doubt. He has definitely gone too far.

      Having said that, I agree with Evan. If a guy has a stash of Playboy or Penthouse magazines, this doesn’t make him a deviant, it just makes him a normal guy. Most guys aren’t anywhere near where your ex-husband was. Not anywhere near where he was.

      See ladies, if I am with you and love you, I am with you and love you. I may fantasize about this woman or that woman, just like women fantasize about various guys, but I am sure as hell not going to run off and marry some porn slut. Hell no.

      1. 9.1.1
        suzanna

        You know, it’s interesting how men will defend their need for porn. Let me ask you boys this: How many of you would be okay with your girlfriend/wife becoming a porn star? What if she wanted to become a stripper and danced and took off her clothes for another man, and the men were SO aroused by looking at her, she evens gives men lap dances. Maybe all of us women should join the escort service, porn industry, strip clubs, I mean what’s wrong with it? We’d make good money, it’s what men want, and as long as men are going to say that porn and anything of that nature is okay, then what’s wrong with your own woman, sister, daughter, niece, mother being a part of that industry?
        Also, Men can masturbate without porn! Use your imagination! Why not imagine your girlfriend/wife in your mind? If a woman can do it ( who has less testosterone ) than ABSOLUTALY a man can do it to!
        Another thing: I don’t think very many men would feel good about themselves if the woman they loved were masturbating to naked men and enjoying how “WELL ENDOWED” he is.
        I found romance novels to be very arousing while single. But as soon as I am in a relationship those books become BORING. So I get that a healthy single male who’s interested and curious would enjoy looking at the female body. But while in a relationship it is the biggest insult to his woman!
        To be honest I think Porn is very BORING and NON-AROUSING. The porn stars look like they are “making fun of sex”. Porn looks like a Joke. It actually looks like a mockery to sex..I can’t take it seriously. I would compare porn to gross bodily humor. Also, the porn stars are bad actors. The women look ridiculous! They do not look like they are enjoying it…it’s embarresing. Porn looks like something a bunch of immature, crude teenagers put together because they think it’s funny, they wanted to make people laugh. I think movies with love scenes are far more arousing, physicaly, emotionaly and mentally. 
        I cherish the sex I have with my man so much, it is so powerful and so compelling, that the very idea of him experiencing all of that in is mind by lusting over a stripper or a porn star makes me want to vomit!!!!! I would like to feel that my body is this beautiful, amazing gift I give to a man and that it surpasses and out-does any porn star or stripper. Also, when my man is making love to me, I am not acting. And the act itself is private, just between us, and my body is for his eyes ONLY, it is not being viewed by other men. And unlike those porn stars who are acting, I am not acting. Everything sound, every arch of my back is REAL. It’s ALL his! That is the difference between me and those other woman who are selling their body. BIG DIFFERNCE!
        I don’t fantasize about other men. I tend to lose interest in other males when I am in a relationship, hence the lack of desire for romantic movies and novels. I firmly believe that when a man is truly in love, he stops looking.
        Boys will be Boys. Men will notice beautiful women. But what right does a man have to stare at the private parts of woman whenever he wants? Have some respect and boundaries.
        My problem with men is that they tend to separate sex from love. They love their wife/girlfriend, so therefor she isn’t sexual. Only women who represent “SEX” are. As long as this appears to be true, I think women should adopt the theory “IF you can’t beat them, join them”.
        As revenge to every man who visits a strip club, watches or looks at porn, his girlfriend/wife should immediately become a stripper herself, and start sending explicit photos of herself to other men. If we can’t be our own man’s fantasy, we will be a group of men’s fantasies, and will enjoy getting other men HOT and BOTHERED, bringing the power back to us!
         
         
         

        1. Evan Marc Katz

          “My problem with men is that they tend to separate sex from love. They love their wife/girlfriend, so therefor she isn’t sexual. Only women who represent “SEX” are. As long as this appears to be true, I think women should adopt the theory “IF you can’t beat them, join them”…As revenge to every man who visits a strip club, watches or looks at porn, his girlfriend/wife should immediately become a stripper herself, and start sending explicit photos of herself to other men. If we can’t be our own man’s fantasy, we will be a group of men’s fantasies, and will enjoy getting other men HOT and BOTHERED, bringing the power back to us!”

          Great idea! Let us know how that goes!

        2. ScottH

          Evan-  I’ve been reading your blog for a while and like what you say and I think you’re one of very few dating coaches worth reading.  There isn’t much that you say that I disagree with, and I even bought one of your products.  And I like how your advice is based on what’s effective or not rather than what’s right or wrong.  
          I also agree with your position on porn which also happens to agree with Dr Marty Klein whom I also think is pretty sharp.  I am also a casual porn user myself and do not see the harm in it.  I was dumped by someone I loved partly because I told her that I watched porn.  Yes, she is insecure and an emotional disaster scene and in retrospect, I was lucky to get out for many other reasons.  

          But…. I would have to argue that in the majority of cases, it is not effective to let your woman know that you’re wanking to porn.  I think finding a woman who isn’t threatened by it and doesn’t care about it would be fantastic but either women don’t care, or they care A LOT and if they care a lot, they might find it grounds for dumping. There doesn’t seem to be much middle ground and finding out that they are on the wrong side can effectively be mighty risky.  There are simply too many women who don’t like porn to make it worth the risk of telling them.  And I hate the thought of hiding it (anything) from my SO.  It seems like a no-win situation.

          Just a thought. 

        3. Adam

          Suzanna is why men need to not talk to their girlfriends about this subject. They totally blow up something that is really no big deal into a huge deal. I mean seriously, looking at some magazine and masturbating when your partner doesn’t want to have sex or is out of town, is really not a big deal as long as the guy is not addicted.
          When it comes to strippers, porn stars and other workers in that industry, nearly all guys have absolutely no romantic interest in these women at all. AT ALL. Not even a little. There ARE some loser guys who marry these women, but they are few and far between. Unlike women, we can lust after a woman and want to have sex with her, but have absolutely no romantic interest in her at all. The two drives can be completely separate in men.
          See this is the problem Suzanna. Our sex drive, from a woman’s perspective, is outrageously high. While a woman might be OK with having sex, once a week or twice a week, a guy is going to want to have sex more like once or twice a day. If he masturbates occasionally to some bimbo, this is nothing to get insecure or worried about — he is definitely not going to leave you for some tramp. A real woman, who he loves and cares about is not competing against a stripper or porn bimbo (unless the guy has serious mental issues.) You don’t need to beat these women or join them. A real woman is not even in the same league as these bimbos. 
          To be completely honest with you, when I am in a relationship with a woman, being with that woman is about 1000% better than seeing a stripper or looking at some magazine. My only problem is that most of the women I have been with are not as into sex as I am once the initial infatuation ends. And I am fortunate, at least we are still together a couple of times a week. I have heard of marriages where the woman is only interested in sex 10 times a year. I mean seriously women, if you are SO disinterested in your boyfriends / husbands sexually, they are going to need to get their release somehow. Again, my #1 choice would be my significant other, but I and other guys can’t live with having sex less than once a month or a few times a year. We just can’t deal with this.

        4. twinkle

          I agree with Adam. I feel like some women are too emotional and irrational about topics like these. If this issue is the big problem in your life, be grateful because apparently u don’t have any serious problems…

        5. Karmic Equation

          I think the problem is that many women equate lust and love. Because most women only lust after (or more accurately give themselves permission to lust after) men they love. If she doesn’t love him, then she doesn’t lust after him.
           
          Thus these women feel threatened when they realize their men lust after porn stars and strippers. She thinks that he will come to love that porn star or stripper because he lusts after her.
           
          Rubbish. We all know that men can bed women “without emotion” — after all don’t many of the women here complain about men doing this? Why, then, all of a sudden, when a man becomes “our” man, he all of a sudden can’t separate love and lust?
           
          Ladies, please, just use some logic and the answers are really clear.
           
          Men don’t change like that. They’re really, really simple. Most men can separate love and lust. Particularly when it comes to celebrities and women in the sex industry. Might be a little dicier with “real” women, but if you’re a secure woman, who has chosen a man with integrity to love, you have nothing to fear from other women, real or not.

      2. 9.1.2
        suzanna

        Adam, from what you are telling me it sounds like you believe that men turn to porn because they aren’t getting enough sex, and that women shouldn’t complain that their husband/boyfriend is looking at/watching porn since they aren’t interested that much in having sex. Adam, my experience is VERY different. I was in a relationship many years ago with a guy I was having sex with once or twice a day. He STILL looked at porn and even would make sexually suggestive comments about women he’d see on TV. Currently I am involved with a man who I only have sex with once a month. This is HIS choice, not mine! He only makes plans to see me once or twice a month, but calls daily. I think the reason he’s okay with sex once a month is because he’s visiting strip clubs and looking at porn. I believe all this because he’s been open about visiting strip clubs and nude magazines in his past. I am the one here not getting enough sex, not him! It’s me who is sexually frustrated, not him! I have never withheld sex from my boyfriend.
        Women are disposable to men. I don’t think men fear losing a woman. I think men fear losing a variety of sexual opportunity with various women. It is no gift to a man when a woman who loves him gives him her body-it’s not special to him because he’s got numerous options for sex. Sex is readily available at a man’s fingertips. A man doesn’t need a relationship with a woman to get his sexual needs fulfilled. He can get his fantasy anytime he wants through dvds, magazines, strip clubs, escort services, prostitutes. The demand for these things speaks for itself.
        What I often don’t understand is why men won’t chase after the girl who perfectly matches the fantasy he wants. If you men are so turned on by porn stars or playboy bunnies, then marry one! I often find that men choose women who are as far from what they enjoy looking at as possible. It makes no sense!
        Do men forget that their wife/girlfriend has female body parts? Do they actually forget that?
        I don’t think I am being irrational. But I hope I am. I hope I am wrong. I just don’t see how I could be. Clearly, a woman who shares sex with a man would feel very hurt if she found out he was enjoying starring at pictures of other naked women, and going to clubs where he watches live girls dance while taking off their clothes. Of course it’s a big deal! It’s a big deal to me because I want to be my man’s fantasy, I want to be the girl pleasing him!
        Adam, I do appreciate your thorough response, as well as your reassurance. However, my feelings about porn and other things of that nature come from my real personal experiences.
          Another thing I would like to touch light on: If Men are as sexual as they say they are, then they wouldn’t need porn in order to masturbate. They wouldn’t need “help” in that department. I didn’t like what Evan said above in response to the post heading. He said ” He masturbates. The porn helps to stimulate him. It would be far stranger to if he didn’t have porn”.  Why, may I ask would it be stranger for a man to masturbate without porn? That doesn’t make sense to me at all.
        It’s like men don’t need to masturbate to porn, they need porn to masturbate. ??? Meaning, if there was no porn in the world men everywhere would not need to masturbate-EVER. But women still would?
         

        1. Adam

          Thanks for your thoughtful response Suzanna. I now totally understand where you are coming from and I see why you feel the way you feel. You said:
          “It is no gift to a man when a woman who loves him gives him her body-it’s not special to him because he’s got numerous options for sex. Sex is readily available at a man’s fingertips. A man doesn’t need a relationship with a woman to get his sexual needs fulfilled.

          What I often don’t understand is why men won’t chase after the girl who perfectly matches the fantasy he wants. If you men are so turned on by porn stars or playboy bunnies, then marry one! I often find that men choose women who are as far from what they enjoy looking at as possible. It makes no sense!

          Do men forget that their wife/girlfriend has female body parts? Do they actually forget that?”
          I understand your perspective and your boyfriends were wrong to ignore you. If they are dating you, they should want to have sex with you instead of focusing on some porn magazine or stripper. That is 100% wrong and I feel your pain and outrage.
           
          But let me, for a moment, let you into my world. When I was younger I was a complete and utter loser when it came to women. I was just awful with women and relationships. All of my female friends thought I was a great catch and a wonderful guy. They commented on how nice I was and how they liked me like a brother. But nearly all women were not sexually attracted to me. I suffered from extremely deep depression and anxiety due to this lack of success. Sometimes I would cry myself to sleep.  I had a very strong sex drive but I certainly could not have sex whenever I wanted. And porn is a poor substitute for an attractive woman who actually loves and cares about me. That is the REAL prize. A woman who you love and care about who loves and cares about you in return.  I would like to have someone I find very pretty, but she doesn’t have to be some Playboy model. But of course no girl like that was interested in being my girlfriend. So I spent years and years, sexually starved and during that time I definitely got involved in porn, it was substitute, although a very poor one for a real woman. I am happy I never got into strippers and prostitution, but a lot of guys who are in the situation that I used to be, do get into these vices. They REALLY want to have sex, yet they are unable to find a woman to have sex with so they end up indulging in these substitutes for a girlfriend.
           
          And then when I got older and learned how to attract women, I would meet and start dating them and initially we would be infatuated with each other and have a healthy sex life. Then later this just seemed to die down to only a time or two a week. I tried to fix things, but I would be given the run around and never straight, concrete steps I could do to improve this area. And it is not only me, my friends have experienced the same thing. And the guys whose girlfriends regularly have sex with them are the lucky ones. Some guys almost never get sex with their wives or long term girlfriends, think 5 or 10 times a year. And then some women trade housework and other favors for sex. None of my relationships have gotten to that stage, but when I see that with my friends, I think to myself, that women like this are simply driving their significant others to porn, strippers and prostitutes.
           
          Now having said that, I think it is awesome that you are willing to be the fantasy girl for your boyfriend. He should appreciate this and thank his lucky stars that he is with a girl who loves him and wants to sexually satisfy him. OMG, if all women felt the same way, the amount of men in relationships looking at porn and watching strippers would drop like a rock. One of my female friends has the same point of view regarding sex that you have. I am SO jealous (in a totally healthy and positive, supportive way) of her husband. He has this sexy young thing, who provides with a minimum of drama and a maximum amount of love and support, adores him and is not only good with their kids but also still has regular sex with him. All I want really, is an attractive woman who is easy for me to make happy, who I love and who loves me and has a strong sex drive. I want us to be not only in love with each other, but also in lust with each other.
           
          To answer your question, we don’t need porn to masturbate, we just like it. It is a nice to have. But what is even better is a live woman next to me.
           

        2. Adam

          Suzanna,
           
          You mentioned strippers before. I know a woman who is a veteran stripper. I have known her for about 15 years but she was stripping for many years before we met, since her early 20s. She is still a stripper today. When I first met her, she was extremely sexy. The kind of woman most guys want to sleep with. The woman that countless girlfriends hate and mistakenly think they are in competition with. Anyway, now this woman is in her mid 40s. The life she has been living makes her look much older than her years. Her looks have faded significantly. She is now unable to get a boyfriend for a real relationship to save her life. Yes, of course guys will sleep with her. Guys like sex and our standards for sex partner is WAY lower than our standards for a real relationship. Why the heck would we want a girl as a girlfriend who is essentially everybody’s girlfriend. A girl who has probably slept with thousands of guys. A girl who other guys can kiss, finger and grope for $20 or $30 at most. How could we take someone like that back to our mother. How could THIS woman, while a nice person, be any kind of real competition in terms of a legitimate relationship, with a woman who is not involved in this. Think about it Suzanna. We may LUST after these women, but there is NO way in hell that I would actually go off and marry one of these chicks or have any kind of serious relationship with them. Any guy who wants a real relationship with a girl like this, or some porn star needs to have his head examined.

      3. 9.1.3
        suzanna

        Adam,
                    thank you for sharing your story with me , and explaining things to me. That’s what I needed, I needed to hear some voice of reason and explanation.
        Adam, what is the purpose of a guy who is in a relationship to have sexy pictures of girls displayed, such as a calendar with very sexy looking girls wearing bikinis? What does this really and truly mean? Now, I’m a petite girl, thin, however, I don’t have breasts to impress (breasts are not my greatest asset ) and my body is far from perfect. But I really want my body to look perfect for one man. I want to be that sexy girl in a bikini that my boyfriend is looking at. So from your perspective, what message should I be receiving if my boyfriend has this calendar up on his wall?

        1. Adam

          Hey Suzanna,
           
          You sound like an attractive woman. Your boyfriend is fortunate to have you. To answer your question, If I were him I wouldn’t hang it up if it bothers you, but in all honesty, it doesn’t really mean anything if he has this. Just the fact that he has a bikini calendar doesn’t in itself indicate anything good or bad about your relationship. Sometimes guys just like to look at a variety of different women, again if it isn’t taking over his life, it isn’t a big deal.
           
          My personal point of view, which is probably a minority point of view among guys, is YES, I definitely want a girl who is highly attractive. All guys want this. We want to be super attracted to our girlfriends and we want our girlfriends to be super attracted to us. But beyond that, I am not looking for the girl with the “perfect” body who is some slut in some calendar. I am not comparing the body of a real life woman to some slut in a calendar who has been Photoshopped to look perfect. I am a guy and I like looking at a wide variety of sexy women. That is the absolute truth. But if a woman has an absolutely perfect body and that is the only thing I like about her, that is going to get old. Yes, we all have the urge to sleep with these girls and I would love the opportunity to sleep with a wide variety of super hot bimbos. But am I going to have a relationship with or marry that? Absolutely not.
           
          On that note, I am going to tell you another quick story. One of my good friends is in her early 70s. We are both huge readers and compare notes on various books. She also gives me tips on women since she not only is a woman, but spent years as a therapist. Anyway, she and her husband have been married for over 40 years and are still going strong. At her house she has a picture of herself as a young 20 something woman. She definitely was one of the top 5% of attractive women — easy. She was not only model material, but she would have even stood out in a group of models, she was that attractive. But now she is in her 70s. She is still pretty, but she is an old woman. She is no longer the 20 something bombshell. But she and her husband are still together, because they sincerely and truly love each other. He didn’t marry the sexy body, he married a real woman who he loved and still loves and cares for. 
           
          Now I have a question for you Suzanna. Does your boyfriend indicate, not only in words but also in deeds that he loves you and cares for you, by for example, being attentive, treating you well and showing you he cares? Do you have a healthy sex life? Do you enjoy spending time with each other? If the answers to these questions are yes, than I wouldn’t worry about some calendar.

        2. twinkle

          Suzanna, I haven’t been able to read all of yours and Adams’ posts here because they are very long, but from what I’ve seen, Adam is going u solid advice IMO. Listen to him; u’re stressing yourself unnecessarily IMO. :)

        3. twinkle

          Typo: Adam is giving* u solid advice. :)

          I don’t agree with him on everything, but I really agree with him on this topic. Too many women are simply irrational in this aspect. 

      4. 9.1.4
        suzanna

        Adam,
                    those stories you have shared are very helpful and insightful. I really needed some perspective and, truth and reassurance. Thank you so much for taking the time to help me understand. I still with my own female brain am very different from that of a man and his nature towards sex, but now I’ve got some light on this issue that really helps to smooth things out a bit.

      5. 9.1.5
        suzanna

        When I first came upon this site and posted my comment I was having the hardest time. It really helps to have felt heard and listened to. Adam, you are so mature and you did so well in expressing yourself and articulating such a touchy issue as this one. You responded to me in a non-judgmental way, as well as non-defensive. Thank you again for your informative responses. You didn’t just tell me I was being irrational, you EXPLAINED it to me…that’s what I needed. You stated your case and your side of things while also validating the feelings I have, not in a way that made them correct, but rather, real for me and understood.  

  10. 10
    JB

    Hey ladies …one other thing that I don’t think anyone’s mentioned here. You might have a slight problem if he’s looking at GAY porn exclusively….lol He might be on the “down low”. Oh btw do people still look at magazines in this video age ?? Just curious….Oh yes I know Playboy has great articles….LOL Playboy is NOT porn !!

  11. 11
    DJ Nelson

    Oh how I love having the minority opinion. But I will say that everyone should do what they are comfortable with. If you don’t think that men should look at porn then avoid those who do. There are plenty who don’t despite what people will lead you to think. If you have no problem with the overall impact that is has then don’t worry about it. Porn all day and night, just don’t get mad if you eventually start to become uncomfortable with it.

  12. 12
    downtowngal

    Porn in and of itself I don’t think it’s an issue. The situtations described by gale and beenthroughwars suggest symptoms of some sort of emotional instability.

  13. 13
    Kat Wilder

    I agree with downtowngal – porn itself isn’t the problem, but many women are very conflicted about their guy watching porn. (I just blogged about this myself.)

    But if anything is being used in such a way that it’s destructive to the relationship and isn’t being addressed in an open, honest discussion, it’s just like an any other addiction.

    I wish people getting into committed relationships would have the “porn discussion” then, at least, the couple could decide if they were on the same page about porn and, if not, move on …

  14. 14
    Steve


    Zann Nov 23rd 2007 at 10:07 am 4
    By the way, many women read porn, tooincluding feminists.

    Yes, but in that situation they call it “erotica”

    1. 14.1
      Jennn

      I will point out here that erotica is not the same thing as porn. Yes, they’re both about sex, but erotica has more to do with having sexual relations in an intimate, monogamous partnership. Porn has no such distinction – it’s strictly about getting in, getting off and getting out. 

  15. 15
    Steve

    I see a few people are posting horror stories. Porn is a compulsion and an addiction for many men. I think Evan’s response is referring to the situation where porn is something that doesn’t take over his spare time or detract from his relationship. At that point I think it is time to dump the guy, but I would also say that with football widows or guys who spend most of their free time surfing the net instead of doing something with their lives.

  16. 16
    Selena

    If I had just started dating someone and they left a stack of porn mags in the bathroom, I’d find it really tacky. A stack? We’re just getting to know each other–is this some kind of not-to-subtle message regarding sexual expectations? It sure isn’t a show of respect.

    If someone invited me to his home, I would hope that he cared enough to CLEAN the bathroom and was thoughtful enough to put the mags in a cabinet where they’d be convenient for later use if sex didn’t work out with me that night.

  17. 17
    suki

    I’m with Selena. Nudie magazines left out in the bathroom = tacky.

    Other than that, feel free to ogle away, boys.

  18. 18
    Camilla

    Right there with you Selena & Suki. It’s the tackiness that is a turn off for me about the stack o’ porn mags.

    I think the basic premise that men are visual, and that often includes some kind of porn is a fact. Ladies need to accept that men are wired that way. HOWEVER, ladies also need to know themselves enough about what they can handle and what they cannot. Do you have a zero-tolerence because it makes you jealous, tearful, and crazy? If so, then you best find a guy who isn’t into it, or you’ll BOTH be miserable.

    I think erotic literature is sexy. Not into videos myself, but if my guy was into some higher-quality productions, I’d probably be ok with it. Ditto on mags, sex blogs, etc. I’ve even okay with some pretty edgy stuff, as long as it’s on the artistic side.

    What I couldn’t deal with is if my guy was into the tacky silicone-sportin’ stupid porn stars, which seems misogynistic AND tacky to me. I would also dump a guy in 2-seconds flat if he was involved with interactive chat boards, personals, and so forth.

    This isn’t saying that I care of OTHER guys are into those things, but I know I wouldn’t respect or feel safe if MY guy was doing it. It’s a compatability issue, not a moral one.

  19. 19
    Gigi

    Yep, I agree that it’s crass to leave the laddie mags out in the open. And I disagree that it’s “just a guy thing”, because not all men are as into it as others. Out of all the men I know/have dated, I’d say only 65% of them actively pursue porn or pictures of scantily clad, splayed-out women. At the end of the day, I would say it’s a lifestyle thing because – let’s face it – what most of the men’s magazines like Playboy and FHM are really selling is a lifestyle. Some guys are just more into that fantasy of the beautiful, unattainable woman. More power to ‘em. Other men I know could take it or leave it.

    1. 19.1
      Adam

      Gigi,

      “Out of all the men I know/have dated, I’d say only 65% of them actively pursue porn or pictures of scantily clad, splayed-out women. …”

      No. Probably 100% of them were, but 35% of them hid this fact from you. As long as he isn’t addicted to his and isn’t affecting your relationship, it is not a big deal. It is just like women reading Fifty Shades of Grey. Does it turn them on and is it hot? Yes. Women get turned off and get off by reading this and other similar books. Is an emotionally healthy woman going to leave her loving husband to run off and try to find and marry a kinky billionaire? No. Absolutely not. Is an emotionally stable man going to run off and leave his wife to marry some porn slut? If he is emotionally stable and sane he won’t.

  20. 20
    valerie

    That’s interesting what you said about compatibility, Camilla. I think I agree with that.

    I once went over to this guy’s house and his idea of interior decorating was to pin up semi-nude pictures he’d torn out of magazines all over his walls. Even the desktop wallpaper on his computer was a picture of some starlet showing some skin. It wasn’t his objectification of women that offended me. It was his aesthetic. ;)

  21. 21
    Karina

    I prefer not to know if he is viewing porn. If I watch it, I prefer the soft type and I do it alone, very ocasionally. I just don’t feel confortable seeing it with him, not so much because I don’t want to be compared to a woman 20 years younger with a perfect body which is hard for me to compete with but more because I am not interested in another man’s body, I am very attracted to my husband and don’t need to watch another man in action.
    I think he sometimes discreetly may look at it but I am sure it is not something frequent. If it became an addiction or interfered with our intimacy I would certainly have a problem with it.

    Like Steve said, men who view too much porn have too much time in their hands and not enough interesting things going on. Let’s just say that a man who abuses porn is a loser with issues.
    As for the magazine in the bathroom, it is tacky. He should respect her more. Imagine a guy comes to his new GF’s house and sees a playgirl in the bathroom, how would he feel?

  22. 22
    Karina

    Also Evan, I would never condone or go with my man to a strip club. Really! Maybe we should start having 3somes as well! Maybe if I were a lesbian yes, but I am not, so why do I want to go see my husband hanging out his tongue for another woman, or applauding while another woman puts her breats on his face…oh please Evan. I think you are too young and naive!

  23. 23
    doubledogdareu

    What some of the women are alluding to here (and I agree) is that there is a classy way to appreciate the female body, and that is to be discreet.

    Sure, men are naturally wired to be visual, but just because one is innately predisposed to do something doesn’t mean you let it all hang out when you’re doing it.

    We naturally need to eat, but we chew with our mouths closed. The toilet is considered a private place for natural bodily function. We can’t have sex in public no matter how “natural” it is. You’re supposed to be discreet when you pick your nose, scratch your balls, or even adjust your bra strap.

    So, fellas, women don’t necessarily want a reminder of what makes you pop a chubby, or want to know what you’re wanking to when we’re not around. That’s you taking care of your own priimal bodily business.

    Do us a favor and please put the stuff away when we come over, alright? Thanks.

  24. 24
    Nicole

    I can certainly understand that everyone has a different perspective, however I fall into the “uncomfortable with porn” category.

    I dated a guy for 5 years and there were “red flags” everywhere. He was involved with: downloading photos of topless young girls, chat rooms, inabiltiy to perform, late nights of the computer, lying, admititng to being a “porn addict” at one time, and so much more. In time, we were married. I failed to listen to my instinct that there were many things wrong and I was uncomfortable and angry. Within 3 months of our marriage, I snapped and left him. We have been apart for about 2 years now and it is still something I am struggling to be okay with.
    Ladies, listen to your instincts. Your gut reaction means everything. Do not let these things slide, as they only get worse with time.
    Good luck.

  25. 25
    J

    I personally don’t feel really comfortable with seeing the stuff myself because I know I look nothing like the women in those magazines and movies. Even if HE doesn’t expect me too, it is hard to get those images out of you head and not feel unappealing in comparison. I just don’t get off on looking at women with large boobs and who are spread eagled all over everything wearing nothing. These images are all over personal pleasure objects for women too. Rarely is there a man in all his glory on the package of a vibrator – even if it is made for and primarily marketed to women. This is true of most type products – almost always the naked woman. There is something of an equivalent to this comparison in that many men would rather their girlfriends or wives not leave out BOB (battery operated boyfriends) in plain view. Some pay close attention to the size and length and get offended if they think BOB is more endowed than they are, or more needed ; ) and/or more satisfying. I think it depends on a person’s needs vs that of their partner and finding some way to compromise to the best of both of your abilities. But does mean you have to find a range YOU ARE BOTH relatively good with. Any time something is taken to an extreme -whether consciously or because one is addicted and no longer in control – then it is a problem. But what is extreme to one person won’t be to the next. I haven’t read Maxim or Playboy, though I am sure there are some good articles in there – I don’t want to see all kinds of stuff on parade that I don’t even see in my own mirror (itty bitty t!tty committee charter member and all that) to get to them. That said, both Men’s Health (clearly not porn) and Esquire (definitely guy oriented but a great read for women too!) are fabulous and very edifying as well as entertaining – for females as well. I wouldn’t look down on a guy for having a Maxim or Playboy – though would prefer it more discreet than on the coffee table -, would not want to look down on the woman on the cover (literally), but would be delighted to find he has a subscription to Esquire and to Evan’s blog/newsletter : )

  26. 26
    Mike Paahana

    i luv porn at first my gf when get all messed up about it but after a while she no give me greif anymore or i just make like no beeg deal

  27. 27
    hunter

    ..some therapists say, porn deteriorates the mind, slowly….

  28. 28
    Alex

    I watch porn, alot. My wife knows it. I don’t think she minds it…but look at it this way…in our situation…i work wed. through sat, 7 pm to 7 am, and she works second shift, so by the time we actually see each other i am sick of the porn and ready for the real thing. so in my case its a substitution so i don’t go insane…and thats what i think its meant for.

  29. 29
    Sahaja

    Look, men or women can have other outlets other than their mate, but do we have to have all out there? I don’t care if you watch porn or have mags, but dont but all out in stacks in ur bathroom or on ur comp desktop or plastered all over your walls – Its cheesy and disgusting. I don’t even care about it in a political feminist manner or if objectifies women or men, b.c they legally signed up to do it. I agree with the above women who say its just plain tacky. Do what you want, and maybe Id enjoy it with you from time, but dont have it everywhere.

  30. 30
    Muffin

    I’ve been with my partner for 2 years plus now…
    I do not feel comfortable with him looking at other women..porn..magazines…i feel strange thinking about how im going to feel when we go to the beach together for the first time.
    I am a beautiful, sexy female…and I wouldnt mind him looking at other women..if I could truly know what he was thinking when he saw them. I dont feel comfortable with the thought if he is looking at another woman and thinking that she beautiful or thinking about what sex would be like with her. If I knew when he looked at women, it was the same as when I looked at men (the thought of..oh another human being) then things would be easier for me.
    I have trust issues and I feel that I am beautiful enough that he does not need to look at another woman to get off..if he cant go a few hours with out sexing me…then he has no self control, which is a total turn off. I think it should be what ever people are comfortable with, my partner knows im not comfortable with this…so he does not do it. If it is not an unhealthy addiction…then when asked to quit, it should not be a problem. If you are sneaking it behind someones back..and having to lie about viewing things, then it is obviously more important for you to look at other women…than to be happy and appreciative for the one you have. I know what im worth and know what i deserve..and if a man cant give me that…then its on to the next. Everyone has somebody out there for them..

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