Should I Be Concerned If My New Guy Is Into Porn?

Dear Evan,

I met this guy online and he is incredible. One thing though, I saw a bunch of porn magazines in his bathroom. Should I be concerned?

Tarry

Dear Tarry,

Uh, no.

And for the sake of having a blog post longer than two words, I’m going to try and think of five reasons that you shouldn’t be too concerned.

  1. He masturbates. The porn helps to stimulate him. It would be far stranger to if he didn’t have porn. When your sexual peak has passed you by at age 18, when your hormones are no longer raging, and when you’ve had your fair share of sex, it takes more to get yourself going. Magazines don’t even work for me anymore. Good for him.
  2. He left it out in the open. This is not a guy who feels he has something to hide. Isn’t that much better than a guy who has an alphabetical stash of DVD’s piled up in the recesses of his closet?
  3. He’s comfortable in his own skin. I remember going to a writer’s house back when I was 24 years old and seeing a Playboy in the bathroom. I thought it was so edgy to display it in the magazine rack. And he had a wife who let him do this! Years later, I can’t understand why I found this so remarkable. My Playboy sits in the magazine rack next to my toilet. My girlfriend and her best friend were just citing the Norman Mailer piece in this month’s issue – her best friend read it at her boyfriend’s place. Honestly, ladies – there are some really good articles in there.
  4. He probably isn’t going to be vanilla in the bedroom. A guy who fantasizes in a healthy way is more likely to mix it up a bit.
  5. He openly appreciates the female body. We can discuss airbrushing, fake boobs, unrealistic standards, the male gaze, and the negative societal impact of pornography – all of which is valid – but the simple truth is – men look at breasts with slack-jawed wonder. Better to understand this very base desire than to fight it every step of the way.

I’m sure there are more reasons, but it doesn’t much matter. All that matters is if YOU’RE okay with it. If you’re not, all of the above rationalizations won’t mean a thing to you – and are most likely to piss you off.

But I’ll tell you, whenever I hear about a woman who takes her hubby to a strip club on occasion, I think that’s pretty cool. Instead of trying to enforce the unrealistic fantasy that he’ll never have eyes for another woman, she brings him to a source of temptation, gets him all hot and bothered, and allows him to indulge in fantasy for a night, before taking it out on him in the bedroom. That’s not just sexy; it’s smart.

Moreover, it’s far healthier than the alternative approach: “Look at another woman and you’re dead!”

Moreover, it’s far healthier than the alternative approach: “Look at another woman and you’re dead!”

Denying someone the right to do something is a sure ticket to resentment. Just ask any disciplinarian parent who’s had a kid rebel by smoking pot or getting an earring. The fight to prevent the act is far worse than the act itself.

To be clear, my “endorsement” of pornography isn’t a blanket statement. Porn can absolutely be problematic. If your guy knows the name of every porn actress, it’s a problem. If he has a lifelike doll that sits with its mouth open in his closet, it’s a problem. If he blows half his pay check at the strip club, it’s a problem. If he locks himself in his room for hours at a time to please himself while you’re in the house, it’s a problem. If he’s into violence or treats you in a manner you don’t want to be treated, it’s problem.

But if he’s got a Playboy next to the toilet?

That just means he’s a guy.

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