Single Men Are More Worried About How It Looks to Others

Single Men Are More Worried About How It Looks to Others

Angry single women sometimes stumble onto this blog. Why are they angry, you ask? Beats the hell out of me. From what I can gather, society is so judgmental of their single status that they feel like second class citizens.

They may have a point (more of that coming in a second), but this is the wrong forum on which to make it, because I am the LEAST judgmental person when it comes to being single. I was single for the majority of my life, I have many single friends, and it seems objectively foolish to issue judgment on an intensely personal decision like marriage. The only thing I EVER argue in return is that a) most married people are way too caught up in their own lives to genuinely worry about whether you’re single. If you’re happy, we’re happy. b) whether angry single people like it or not, they’re in the minority. MOST people want to fall in love and get married, not spend their lives alone. Fact, not opinion.

Most married people are way too caught up in their own lives to genuinely worry about whether you’re single. If you’re happy, we’re happy.

Well, I thought of all of this when I was reading a summation of a study from Psychological Science magazine. I found the conclusion to be striking:

“While both genders were found to rely on their relationship for self-esteem, for women it is gained through their loving connection with their partner. Men were found to worry more about a loss of social standing should a breakup occur.”

Basically, women derive more self-worth from being in a relationship (as suggested in my post “Why Don’t Men Hate Being Single As Much As Women Do?) but MEN are the ones who really care how it looks to others.

“Men re­ported bas­ing their self-es­teem on their own rela­t­ion­ship sta­tus (wheth­er or not they were in a relationship) more than wom­en, and this link was sta­tis­tic­ally me­diat­ed by the perceived im­por­tance of rela­t­ion­ships as a source of so­cial stand­ing,”

I didn’t see that one coming, which is why I’m sharing it with you.

So, male readers, are you concerned with what your friends and family think when you come home for Thanksgiving by yourself? Any women want to validate the results of this study?

The full article can be seen here:

Your comments and thoughts are appreciated below.

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Comments:

  1. 31
    Peter 51

    Divorce is a loss of social standing for both parties.  It is failure.  A man of 40 with means and never married is a matter for curiosity.

  2. 32
    susan

    the grass is always greener right? after 15 months my SO has decided he wants to experience being single, despite pronouncing how much he loves me (!)!)  having seen it from the outside looking in on a short overseas trip and a period of working out of town.
    I’d spent 5 years working on myself post marriage breakup and was ready to be committed (as I beleived he was).
    The responses from people have astounded me – most respond with shock and see this as an abberation.  Whatever, it may be, it may not be.  That’s a whole different story.
    But the single women who reply with ”oh life is SO much better without a man in it” are so unbelieveably insulting to me.  
    Is there pressure to be singled, or pressure to be married/coupled? Yes of course, but it all depends on who you talk to, as to what their response is.
    Yes the strong successful single woman is held as a shining example of 1001 reasons to be be happy and single, and the man about town is often smiled at and treated in a somewhat condescending ”one day he’ll realise” kind of way. I still with EMK’s belief that MOST people want to be in a relationship. And in fact, the ”happily single” in my view, number in the vast minority. Many announce that they are happy single, because what else can you do – to say you are miserable and or lonely is seen as a weakness, be you male or female.
     
     

  3. 33
    Kiki

    @Peter 51.
    “It is a truth universally acknowledged that a single man in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.”
    Jane Austin :-)

  4. 34
    Jenn

    susan32: Not wanting marriage or not believing the hype about marriage doesn’t mean that you don’t want to be in a romantic relationship or don’t have one. It means that you don’t want to use marriage as a vehicle for that relationship. Given that marriage is always held up as some kind of relationship goal or prize, if you don’t choose to go that way, or if you don’t go that way for a host of chosen or not-chosen reasons, the people who aspire to marriage don’t understand you. From this lack of understanding they dump a whole lot of weird stuff on you, whether it’s that you must be looking, you must have something wrong with you, you must be a closeted gay person, etc. These people rarely assume that you have chosen to be single or are happy being so.

    I would say that the number of people who are happy with their romantic relationships, whether married or single, are in the minority. That’s because the romance part is short and sweet and the relationship part is long and challenging.

  5. 35
    Handson

    Never married women are considered not-women, more bigger girls. They haven’t demonstrated that aspect of adulthood that ultimately allows people to perceive them as such. One way around it might be motherhood. Or a quick marriage that ends in divorce although there will be a stigma from that. It is stupid.
    For a man, particularly a young man, being married provides an alibi. He could be a workaholic or whatnot but being married ends the story there and he is perceived better for it. Single never-married guys the story will never end until his first long-term committed relationship.

  6. 36
    Karl R

    susan said: (#32)
    “Many announce that they are happy single, because what else can you do”
    “the single women who reply with ‘oh life is SO much better without a man in it’ are so unbelieveably insulting to me.”
     
    I think you’re overlooking a possible reason for these attitudes. I was happily single for years. I am happily married currently. This isn’t an either/or situation. Most of my happiness isn’t dependent upon my relationship status.
     
    Which is better? That depends a lot on the quality of the relationship. If we use my happiness while single as a baseline, I had some relationships that made me happier than that … and other relationships where my happiness took a hit. If someone thinks that life is substantially better when single, that tells me a lot about the quality of their previous relationships.
     
    But the people who are unhappy being single are the ones who can get themselves into real relationship trouble. My relationships had to be great, or else it was blatantly obvious that I’d be happier single. But if you’re absolutely miserable being single, you’re much more likely to stick in a bad relationship … because it beats the misery of being single.
     
    David T said: (#20)
    “I very much have an attitude of f*** what the world thinks.”
     
    So did I. Therefore, I never felt the social pressure that other people talk about. But there were clearly some people who felt it.

  7. 37
    Kiki

    @David T,
    hallo again :-). I envy people who really do not care what the world thinks, it must be pretty liberating.
    I have always wanted to be in a relationship, and have been rather miserable when I was alone. I would choose a mediocre relationship above being alone, any time.
    I wonder how much of this is my own thinking, and how much just because I am a conformist.
    We have a half-joking discussion with my husband once in a while, and he claims that men and women are not meant to be toghether (mostly because they enjoy different activities), except for raising children. He also says he would have not married anyone else but me, because I am special, but marriage as an institution is to be in principle avoided. That pisses me off, and I tell him that marriage is lovely in itself, and if it had not been him, I would have married the next guy, without a problem… Neither of this is entirely true, but still…
     

  8. 38
    Peter 51

    We are meant to be in a group of a dozen adults with attached children, in constant contact with each other and regular contact with another dozen such groups.  Being alone or even just one person is not really natural.

  9. 39
    Tom10

    Andrea # 27
    “I’ve got to be honest, when I myself am in a committed relationship, I tend to view single men in a different light when it comes down to hanging out with them or inviting them to parties…I’m more apt to inviting couples to hang out than a single man”
     
    I’ve noticed this happening to me over the last few years – one by one as my female friends get hitched they tend to drop me as a friend, which is a pity really, as I like my female friends.
     
    “I think single men can be boring”
     
    At least now I know why they dropped me.
     
    Kiki #37
    “I have always wanted to be in a relationship, and have been rather miserable when I was alone. I would choose a mediocre relationship above being alone, any time”
     
    Does the fact that you can’t be happy when you’re alone not worry you a bit?
     
    Surely this mindset is a recipe for just moving from one poor relationship to another?
      
    Peter51 #38
    “We are meant to be in a group of a dozen adults with attached children…being alone or even just one person is not really natural”
     
    Says who? God? Society? Evolution? Parents? Peter51?
     
    I don’t accept the “not really natural” argument – when discussing anything. If we followed “really natural” as a moral guide we’d be out hunting / raping / killing the children of our rivals etc.
     
    We all have the ability to think for ourselves; therefore it’s up to each individual to decide whether they want to be single, part of a couple or in a group of a dozen adults.
     
    ——————–
     
    Like Evan I’m a bit surprised at the result of this study. I would have thought that women were more worried about how being single looks to others, as on balance I think single women are judged a bit harsher than men – unfairly imo.
     
    Personally I have a mindset like David T and Karl R: I don’t give a f*ck what anyone (except my mother) thinks about me. The thought of being worried how my relationship status looks to others is actually comical.
     
     
     
     

  10. 40
    Karl R

    Kiki said: (#37)
    “I envy people who really do not care what the world thinks, it must be pretty liberating.”
     
    It is.
     
    My wife is an amazing woman. She’s also 16 years older than me. I wouldn’t have married her if I cared what other people thought about the age difference.
     
    I’m far brighter than average, so I am well aware of how appallingly often the majority of people are wrong. (And that’s just on factual things which can be proven. Simple things they ought to know.) Until the rest of the world can think as well as I can, I’m not going to base my decisions on what they think.
     
    Kiki said: (#37)
    “I have always wanted to be in a relationship, and have been rather miserable when I was alone. I would choose a mediocre relationship above being alone, any time.”
     
    When I wasn’t in a relationship, I still wasn’t alone. I spend more time with friends and acquaintances. It’s much more enjoyable than bouncing from one mediocre relationship to another.

  11. 41
    Kiki

    @Tom10,
    Yes, it bothers me a bit, like I said I and also worry about what other people think. Actually, I just had a serios discussion with myself, and, after debating all the pros and cons, I decided to still choose my original, clingy, needy, “I need love to survive” self over the opportunity to be self-reliant, and self-satisfying (damn, I really hate the last bit! :-)).
    As to what my mindset is a recipe for: I had a critical look at it, but honestly – it looks more like a pretty decent 12+-year old marriage and two terrific kids :-).
     

  12. 42
    marymary

    Kiki
    In my relationship I kicked against becoming dependent on my boyfriend but I think I am.  I let him guide me from A to B because I have a bad sense of direction.  He does man jobs around my home.  If I feel down or distressed I turn to him.
    When i was on my own, I was independent because I had to be. I did enjoy it though. I felt kinda invincible. I guess if anything happened (God forbid) we would learn to be independent, but right now we don’t have to be and it doesn’t matter. That said, it really is useful for both men and women to know how to cook a few meals from scratch and manage their finances.
    Peter
    You got me thinking.  Even though I’m a natural loner, when I spend time in loose family groups just hanging out, I do feel relaxed and less angsty. There’s a mix of generations, and male and female. No one person takes centre stage, you can fall in and out of conversations and activities easily. I do have to take off for alone time but it’s a nice feeling being sociable without having to make any real effort. 
    There was a film made recently based on a true story about a woman who was young, had a decent job, had friends but died in her apt and wasn’t found for three years.  No-one had noticed she’d gone. People just assumed she’d skipped out of the job or gone travelling. I used to wonder if that would happen to me.
    Fat chance. If I skip a few weeks of church they are all on my back! It’s like an extended family in that respect. 

  13. 43
    Sparkling Emerald

    I do find it odd that when I was in my early 20′s, prior to my first marriage, that people started looking at me askance that I wasn’t married and knocked up all ready.  To top it off, I was adamant that I wasn’t going to have children EVER, and pretty much let people know that, when they would ask me nosy questions like “So, when are you going to get married and have a baby ?”  My first husband was divorced with one son and a vasectemy.  When I told people that I was getting married and they started asking if I was pregnant or planning on being pregnant soon, and I told them that we were going to be a child free couple, boy that went over like a led balloon.  So if being single (after the age of 19 apparently)  gets lots of negative comments from “society”, try being child-free by choice !  I also find it odd that after my very brief first marriage, and I was now 26, my being single was no longer considered strange, since I was divorced.  Guess that meant I wasn’t in the dreaded “old maid” category.
     
      Of course, once anyone found out that our brief marriage resulted in no children by CHOICE, once again that put me in the “What is wrong with her” category.  I made the mistake of sharing with a co-worker, when we were trading divorce stories, and he told me how disappointed he was that he had no children yet.  He asked me how many children me an my ex were planning on having, and when I told him none he said “That’s TERRIBLE” and lectured me on my selfishness.  He then proceeded to tell his father who was our boss.  His father, who always took employees out to lunch on their birthday, took me out to lunch on my birthday, had a few drinks, and treated me to an angry tirade about my child free by choice  marriage.  I told him off.  I told him that this was inappropriate, and a piss poor birthday lunch for me.  He apologised, but I was let go from job about 8 weeks later, due to an office “re-organization”.  So yeah, there is still a social stigma to having NEVER been married (but twice or more divorced is apparently very cool)  but boy oh boy, to be voluntarily childless, is probably the biggest thing on the social disapproval scale there is.
    It’s a good thing Karl R has thick skin.  Being married to an older woman and not having children by choice and all.  
    For the most part, I don’t give a rat’s patooty about what people think, but if someone gets too rude with me about it, I’ll let them have it. (also didn’t appreciate losing a job over my child-free choice, but I really couldn’t prove it)   I had a lot of rude comments about the fact that we had an only child by choice.  People felt that they could just lecture and scold me and tell me that I was being selfish to only have one child etc.  Depending on all the circumstances, when people berated me for having only one child, I would call them out on their rudeness. 
    People are going to think what they think, and that’s fine.  But if they’re going to make rude remarks to me about my lifestyle (number of children, being non-religious, ) I will let them know, that their remarks are uncalled for an unwelcome.

  14. 44
    Goldie

    I think we just need to learn to be happy with whatever direction our life takes us, single or not. I was happy in a relationship, until one day the other side ended it. One minute I was happily coupled up, five minutes later I was single. I loved being in a couple; I think I’m good at being in a relationship, and that I make a darn good partner. I had three options – go into depression over my single status; find someone else and couple up with them real quick-like; or rebuild my life from the ground up as a single person. I am currently working on option 3. Only when I’m completely happy with myself, living by myself, will I even consider dating. If I jump into a new relationship now, I’ll be doing the other person a great disservice. I’ve been someone else’s rebound myself, and do not wish it on anyone. Being in a relationship with a man who is clearly not over his ex, frankly sucks.
     
    My mom seems to be taking the same approach. She outlived my dad after 49 years of a great marriage (really, they had one of the best marriages I’ve ever seen). (Speaking about single life being unnatural – this can happen to anyone.) That happened six months ago, and she now has a very busy single life. She refuses to date… at least for now. A few of the guys in her apartment building are very interested, but she thinks she’s not ready. Good for her.
     
    It’s not about being self-reliant, it’s about being content with what you have, and not losing sleep over what you do not have, be it marriage or single life.
     
    @ Karl R: (good to see you, BTW)
     
    “I’m far brighter than average, so I am well aware of how appallingly often the majority of people are wrong. (And that’s just on factual things which can be proven. Simple things they ought to know.) Until the rest of the world can think as well as I can, I’m not going to base my decisions on what they think.”
     
    Amen brother! Additionally, I ask myself: if I make changes to my life against my gut feeling, based on what people think, and get myself into a bad situation as a result, will those people help me get out of it? I don’t think so. I don’t consider it my responsibility to build my life around what people think. Because at the end of the day, they really don’t think about me all that much. Deep inside, nobody outside our immediate family cares whether we’re single, married, or what have you.
     
    @ Kiki: I agree with most of your posts, but not this one… Either you’re exaggerating it when you say you jumped into a mediocre relationship just so you wouldn’t be single, or you got lucky. I hear you on two terrific children; I have two terrific children myself. They grew up in a bad, dysfunctional marriage that eventually fell apart after 18 years. Do I feel bad about not having given them a healthy family to grow up in? You bet I do.

  15. 45
    Kiki

    @marymary 42
    When you really love someone you become very dependent on that person. That person can kill you with a word, or with silence. But when you find out that he is equally dependent on you, you two together are invincible, not against each other, but against the world.

    @Goldie,
    sorry, I was not very clear, and I see from your comment where the misunderstanding comes from.
    My marriage is pretty decent, we have ups and downs but it has never been bad or disfunctional.
    I did not mean to say that I jumped in a mediocre relationship with my husband. But, as a matter of fact, from when I first started datings (probably around 16), until I married, for most of my adult life, I have had boyfriends. The longest I was alone was 2 months, and I was very very miserable without a boyfriend.
    When a relationship broke, from the three options you described (depression, rebound relationship, being alone and happy with it) I have always chosen the second option.  It has not been always ideal, but luck has played a role and some of the rebound relationships worked pretty well. Actually – my now husband was a rebound boyfriend. It could have been luck; but still – in the best meaning way I would recommend you not to rule out dating until you feel fully recovered.
     

  16. 46
    Karl R

    Sparkling Emerald, (#43)
    I think the stigma varies heavily with the community you live in. I live in a major city, so the community is not homogeneous. Therefore, non-conformity has a lot less stigma than in more rural regions.
     
    You have my sympathy for the tirades from your coworkers. The worst tirade I had to endure from a coworker didn’t involve my never-married status, or my desire to remain child-free, or the people who were convinced that I was gay. Instead, it started from the following conversation:
     
    Coworker: “What are you doing for your mother for Mother’s Day?”
    Me: “My mother and I aren’t on speaking terms.”
     
    Compared to that, I caught little blowback for being never-married.
     
    Goldie, (#44)
    Thanks. My wife and I were on vacation. For obvious reasons, keeping up with the blog wasn’t a priority.
     
    Goldie said: (#44)
    “Only when I’m completely happy with myself, living by myself, will I even consider dating.”
     
    I’m not sure that happiness is something that’s ever “complete”. If I was in your shoes, I’d start dating when I was mostly happy with myself.

  17. 47
    Tom10

    Kiki #41
    “As to what my mindset is a recipe for: I had a critical look at it, but honestly – it looks more like a pretty decent 12+-year old marriage and two terrific kids”
     
    On second thoughts maybe it’s not such a bad mindset after all – you’re happy and have achieved your goals, which is all that any of us want.
     
    There were about five women with similar mindsets in my college class and I was always fascinated by how seamlessly they moved into a new relationship after the previous one faltered. Interestingly their personalities seemed to totally transform in the periods between relationships (usually about two months or so), before reverting to their normal selves once in a relationship again. As far as I know they’re all happily married/in ltrs now.

  18. 48
    Kiki

    @Tom10 47,
    Thank you for having an open mind. I do not pretend to have a recipe that suits all women (even less men), and I am very far from having discovered the secret of eternal marital bliss (:-)). I like to hear how other people think, and I do revise my own opinions sometimes. I do not think I am smarter than everybody else, I care what other people think about me, and it is important for me to be on good terms with my mother :-). It is very likely that many happily married women are just like that :-).
    What has worked for me in my dating life was to never give up on the idea of finding love. I have always beleieved I am fully lovable even right after a break up. I find it hard to understand why some people need time to recover, focus on themselves, work on themselves etc.  To me this sounds like someone who says they can not exercise because they are too busy at work.  Well, if you want to get in shape, you make arrangements to start exercising right now, you do not wait for a more relaxed period at work, because such times never come. At the same time,  I have heard it repeatedly on this blog that you need to focus on yourself first, change yourself first, be able to be happy alone. So, I am all ears, and curious to find out what I am missing.
     

  19. 49
    Goldie

    @ Kiki:
     
    “I find it hard to understand why some people need time to recover, focus on themselves, work on themselves etc.  To me this sounds like someone who says they can not exercise because they are too busy at work.”
     
    Well to me, it sounds like someone who says he cannot go back to running marathons the very next day after they’ve had major surgery. It’s not healthy, they’re going to do massive damage to themselves and probably need another surgery, and they won’t be able to finish that marathon anyway.
     
    Also, when we’re dating, we don’t date exercise equipment. We date real people, with feelings. And they may not be cool with the fact that we are still not over our ex. Or that we are still used to the lifestyle we used to have with the ex.
     
    In my recent relationship, I was the rebound. First few months, he talked about the ex all the time. She was the one that left him and he was still upset. First weekend I spent at his place, we went out for a walk Sunday morning, and right as we walk out the door he tells me: “I got a text from (ex) at two in the morning. It said “I miss you”. Can you imagine my reaction? From his standpoint, yea he’s right back in the saddle getting action again. From my standpoint, why did I drive all the way here and spend the night with you, when you are still pining for this woman and relaying her texts to me? Go be with her. She says she misses you. I’m not gonna lie to you, at that moment, I felt that I was being used. And then we stayed together for two years… stupid is as stupid does.
     
    So to sum it up, I am not dating right now because I don’t want to be that person in a relationship. I still miss him on occasion. I still get sad on Saturday nights on occasion, because that was when we usually went out and did things together. I just don’t think it’s fair for me to drag some innocent guy into this situation. When I’m with someone, I want to be able to concentrate on that someone, not have some dude from the past lingering in the back of my mind. If I could quickly forget all about my ex and the life we had together, then yes maybe I’d go back to dating immediately. But I need a few months to do that.
     
    “I have always beleieved I am fully lovable even right after a break up”
     
    Of course I believe I’m fully lovable! There’s been a line around the block ever since word got out that I’m single again. I just don’t want to deal with any part of dating right now. I want some time off.

  20. 50
    Kiki

    @Goldie 49,
    I see your point. I have a close friend who was badly burnt about 10 months ago, and she would still refuse to open up to the possibility of dating. I have tried to encourage her to look for someone else (she is 37 and never been married so time is of the essense) but she keeps saying she is not ready, and she keeps talking about her ex and how badly he treated her. I love her with all my heart, but I have heard the story of how he unfriended her on FB so many times now that even I do not want to see her much until she recovers! So, you are right, until a person is able to not bring up the ex in every conversation, they are not great company, and probably make for a bad date/partner.
    Is there a way to speed up the recovery process? I have heard that it takes twice longer than the relationship lasted to recover from it, and that would really suck.

  21. 51
    marymary

    Kiki
    I don’t think we can prescribe x months/years, but it’s not unusual for it to take – a full year.  It’s not a year of misery, there will likely be an upturn after a few months.  Crap relationships can be harder to let go off because of the psychology damage they inflict.
    The best thing your friend can do RIGHT NOW?  Block him on facebook.
    There’s even a little song about it:
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QeTPNjPiyJM

  22. 52
    handson

    @KIKI
    There is 2 ways.
    1.You should ignore your friend and give them space. Let them seek you out. Even then, if it seems like before just say you’re busy.
    2. replace the drama with the ex with a made-up angst you feel towards them so that her focus turns to that. Then you can switch it off and let her move on.

  23. 53
    SusanB

    It has only been lately that I have felt loser-ish on the unmarried front.  Through my life I was often accused of being too picky.  True, I am picky and thus have spent long periods being alone between boyfriends. My last serious boyfriend wanted to marry me but I knew I would be deeply unhappy (he had good qualities but an unfortunate anger problem that could be frightening at times and socially, he could sometimes clear a room with his need to be “right”. ) so I left at age 47.  But now at 52, facing aging alone, it is sobering.  My mother is 88 and has 5 children to hover around her and help her with the infirmities of being elderly.  I am now trying to find a partner again, and had a recent disappointing experience with a 5 years younger man I met online.  I don’t look or act 5 years older than he is but I do think the age difference was an issue.  Also, I feel that never being married and never purchasing real estate made me seem like I am not a real adult and were strikes against me.  This despite the fact that I have a formidable nest egg and on paper, am as well-off or perhaps even wealthier than my friends with large mortgages.   Being married and having a mortgage do seems like adult rites of passage in our culture.  
     
    Since I live in a big city, there are lots of women like me so there is consolation in that.  I think if I lived in the suburbs (as I did with my last boyfriend, and yes I felt like an outsider) i would feel worse with families/children everywhere.  
     
    As far as whether men feel the stigma of being single worse than women do, I can only cite my friend John who said that everyone assumes he is gay because he has never married.  He has had girlfriends, long term live in girlfriends, but he said that isn’t good enough.  He said he continually feels subjected to judgment that his married male friends do not experience.  
     
    I think perhaps it is harder for men because of the prevailing opinion that “a good man is hard to find” and that there is a lack of desirable, available men to mate with and a cornucopia of attractive, available women who are eager to find a man.  So if a man can’t find a mate when there is a reported plethora of women out there, then there must be something wrong with him.  As a woman, I do feel the odds are stacked against women finding a mate, especially with increasing age.  I know this isn’t news.  ;-)

  24. 54
    Henriette

    @Kiki50.  Interesting that you’ve heard, ” that it takes twice longer than the relationship lasted to recover from it.”  The formula that I’ve been told again and again is that it takes HALF the length of the relationship, to recover afterwards. 
     
    I don’t actually believe there’s a uniform length of recovery time that applies to every person or every relationship.   But, yeah, when I jump back into dating too soon (for me), I find myself reacting in ways that I don’t when I’ve taken time to regain my equilibrium.   There’s the school of thought that says, “the best way to get over one guy is to get under another one” :) and that can certainly help soothe the pain, temporarily, but I haven’t found it to be a particularly god basis for a healthy, lasting relationship.

  25. 55
    Kiki

    @Henriette,
    what you say is much better news :-). It might be a self-fullfilling prophecy thogh – may be it takes as long as you would expect it to take?
    Otherwise, I am definetely from that school of thought. I do think that there is a chemical abstinence in your brain after a break up, and you need to start getting orgasms/endorphins from another source asap. This of course treats only part of the problem (the psyological) but the emotional scars may take a really good time to heal. Let me give you an example – before my husband i had a disfunctional 5 year relationship that ended miserably. After it i met my future husband, fell in love, had a whirlpool of positive emotions with him, bu i would get really depressed and pissed off with myself every time i thought about my ex, definitely for the next five years, and may be even for the next ten. It took me a really really long time to forgive him and forgive me and understand it was all for the better. Like Goldie said, stupid is as stupid goes…

  26. 56
    judy

    I know a woman who is absolutely charming and has never been married.  Why would someone assume that something is wrong with you because you have never been married at all? She is pretty, intelligent and a good conversationalist.
    She decided to remain single because she is rather rich. 
     

  27. 57
    josavant

    Karl R wrote, “I’m far brighter than average, so I am well aware of how appallingly often the majority of people are wrong. (And that’s just on factual things which can be proven. Simple things they ought to know.) Until the rest of the world can think as well as I can, I’m not going to base my decisions on what they think.”
     
    If only it were that simple Karl. The desire or the need to conform is based on more than relative levels of smartness. Sometimes you have to conform, or at least appear to, just to get along with the people you have to deal with every day. Your boss may not be as smart as you, but you don’t want to get into a debate with him about gun control if you’re for it and he’s not. Your peers may not be as smart as you, but you have to at least act like you have something in common with them to not be isolated or picked on (adults have their own ways of picking on each other, not too far removed from what kids do).
     
    In other words, knowing you’re smarter than everyone else around you isn’t a reason not to care what they think.  Not if you want to have a comfortable and hassle-free life in the societies you deal with daily.

  28. 58
    judy

    Maybe men like to have a pretty woman on their arm to show their social status.  Certainly, at work, I have noticed that a single man has called me to be his “woman” for the evening.  To show others that he can find someone.
    Maybe women want to be like other women and be married.
    And maybe not.
     
     

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