What You Should Assume About Men

This is the third video based on the questions YOU wanted answered in my 1500 question survey. Last week, I told you that you don’t ATTRACT the wrong men, you ACCEPT the wrong men. I got a lot of really great feedback on that and hope that you’ve already made the mental adjustment to stop thinking you’re a bad man magnet and instead realize that you’ve been way too accepting of unacceptable behavior.

Today’s tip might be a little more challenging because instead of telling you to dump the bad guys, I’m going to ask you to open up to a whole new way of viewing the pursuit of love. It may be counter-intuitive, but I am confident that it will make a big difference for you. You ready?

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You Have to Assume the Best In Men, Rather Than the Worst in Men

You’ve been hurt by men before. You’ve been hurt bad. You’ve vowed to learn from the experience and protect yourself from that ever happening again.

And to protect yourself from being hurt by a man, you:

Choose not to date at all.
Try to make him earn your trust.
Pull away from a guy at the first hint of trouble.
Tell him your relationship goals on the first few dates.
Want to clarify where things are headed in the first few months.

Those are all perfectly rational. The problem is: the only thing you’re protecting yourself from is the possibility of falling in love.

Let me explain.

Look at your life. You probably work a minimum of 40 hours a week. You probably have friends and hobbies and family. You’re probably really, really, wary of men.

And because of your previous experience, you do everything in your power to prevent the “wrong men” from getting in. You’re vigilant about looking for the signs. And you find them everywhere you go. As a result, you remain single.

Think of it like a visual metaphor. You live in a house. Mr. Right is walking down the street, trying to find his Ms. Right. There’s two houses right next to each other that look identical. They’re gorgeous, modern, spacious, well-decorated, inviting. Except for one minor thing. The house on the left has a 10 foot brick wall around it. The house on the right has an open door with the smell of chocolate chip cookies wafting.
Which house do you think Mr. Right is going to peek into?
It’s kind of a no-brainer.

the only thing you’re protecting yourself from is the possibility of falling in love.

Now you can make the argument that the RIGHT man would try to figure out how to scale the 10 foot wall. You can make the argument that the REASON there’s a wall is that there’s some crime in the neighborhood and she’d been robbed twice before. You can justify that protective wall in every way possible. But it doesn’t change the bottom line.

A good man doesn’t need to break down or scale your wall. He’s just going to look for a warm, inviting, open door.

To take it even further:

  • A good man will not be able to find you if you’re working 11 hours a day.
  • A good man doesn’t need to earn your trust if he’s never done anything wrong.
  • A good man may have a number of characteristics that you might not like.
  • A good man takes relationships seriously and can’t promise that he will know after a a few months that you are destined for the altar.

So while I deeply empathize with you if you’re trying to avoid “wasting” time by trying to figure out the future before HE knows the future. Just know that you’re sabotaging any real chance you have to form a real trusting connection.

You have to go in with a clean slate, an open mind, and a clear head. At any point you have the right to determine that he’s not the one for you, and he has the right to determine that you’re not the one for him. It’s called dating.

Instead of trying to figure everything out up front to protect yourself from getting hurt, give yourself to the process and let him reveal his character.

Opening the door and assuming the best will make the good men gravitate towards you. Treat him as if he’s going to hurt you and he’s not going to want to stick around.

P.S. Even though this video is free…don’t discount the value of it. Opening up to love and being vulnerable makes you more attractive to each new man you meet. And since you will never accept less than optimal treatment from a man, you can never be blindsided again!

If you’ve enjoyed these videos, in which I tell what men are really thinking, please, put in your email address. That will put you on my priority mailing list so you’ll get first notification (and valuable free bonuses) when my new book comes out.

Signing up will also give you access to a special report I created based on YOUR survey questions, called “The 3 Biggest Illusions You Have About Men”. This is some really valuable and eye opening stuff, and it’s all yours on the next page. Just put in your email, click submit, and stay tuned for more.

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Comments:

  1. 1
    V

    Dear Evan,

    I really liked this one.
    It is one of the most difficult things to learn to trust again and again and again. Are there any “techniques” to open up?

    Thanks,
    Love
    V

  2. 2
    cheryl

    your information is great and right on the money1
    I have learned much

  3. 3
    Constance

    Thank you for all your effort to help us have great relationships. I share your information with two friends. We are growing into better dating partners thanks to you.

  4. 4
    B

    I feel I need someone to hold my hand throught this VERY process that you speak of here. The fear of Rejection is THAT strong with me. Plus I live far away from my family. I live by myself. And I don't have close friends that I really care about these days.

  5. 5
    Debra

    Thank Evan for putting into words what we intuitively know needs to be done.

    Now, if only we can easily apply this through our daily lives with specific exercises. ;-)
    -D

  6. 6
    Isabelle Archer

    It's a neat trick to pull off — remaining discerning, but at the same time going in “with a clean slate, an open mind, and a clear head.” I don't think there's any way to learn to do this in the relationship context alone; you have to apply it to your entire life. That's why I started taking yoga. :)

    I was almost going to ask what the complementary advice is for people like me, where the problem is not being too wary, but rather too enthusiastic, jumping in without looking to check the depth. But then I realized that actually, this advice applies in equal measure. You're not seeing clearly if you're following crazy impulses, nor if you're assuming the worst.

  7. 7
    sayanta

    B-

    I don't know what your emotional situation is, but at one time, I lived very far away from my parents and friends, and the place I was in offered absolutely no social outlets. I almost went insane, and needless to say, whenever I did meet a guy that was relatively dateable (which was few and far between), I shudder to think how needy and desperate I must have come across as.

    One thing I've noticed, is that that keeping my priority as 'building strong relationships' (non-romantic), makes me less crazy about finding 'the one.'

  8. 8
    Evan Marc Katz

    sorry about all the ///. We're working on it… Please avoid apostrophes. :)

  9. 9
    Angela

    I totally agree with what you have said here….. In my situation it is the man in my life who is putting up the brick wall….It is his past hurts that are going to push away the best thing that has come his way (his words)….. Its so hard to walk away from something like that…Because you know … If he would just break that wall and like you said …. Start every new situation with a clean slate…. We both could experience something wonderful…..

    I have been accepting his behavior for 3 yrs and taking the advice from your last video Its time to stop doing that….Thanks Evan

  10. 10
    Honey

    One interesting side effect having my heart broken had on me was that the next time around I would choose to date a guy that I felt would never break up with me (because, comparatively, I was too much of a catch for him to give up). This led to a lot of relationships where I broke up with the guy – because I realized I was the catch and he was not.

    When I finally figured that out, I realized that you want to end up with someone where both of you feel like you have gotten the top of your range and where you do have to worry a little bit about whether you are doing a good job as a partner. I love Jake and do not need to worry that he will dump me over every little disagreement we have, but I would like to think I am dating someone who expects a lot of me and who would stand up for himself if the situation ever called for it (and vice versa, of course).

  11. 11
    Diana

    Well said, Evan. :) This is sage advice for both parties. It takes a healthy person to have a healthy partner. How a person is in other aspects of their lives, whether they be cynical, optimistic, have a chip on their shoulder, are giving, neurotic, or narcissistic, feel victimized, etc. will carry over into their dating life. We attract that which we are. One doesn't necessarily have to have been personally scorned or had their heart broken by a man or to have been abused to feel that all men are untrustworthy, sex maniacs, players . . .

    Sometimes people rush through their emotions and their lives without doing the soul searching that is sometimes required to feel healthy and healed. Learning to be patient with ones self is important. It's about working on our whole self and not just how we perceive and present ourselves to be as it relates to men when we step into the dating arena.

  12. 12
    Diana

    That should be “life,” not lives. ;)

  13. 13
    starthrower68

    Darn it, Evan…you're speaking right where I'm at again! :o) I just met someone and it's taking a lot of strength NOT to pull away when I think trouble appears to be on the horizon, my impulse is to withdraw. I'm trying really hard to stop it. Too bad you can't look in a magic mirror and yell “stop it” at me when you see me do it.

  14. 14
    Michelle

    To me, the vulnerability comes with the communication. You may not be able to get rid of the fear that comes with trusting, but you can communicate that you are working on it. What better way to give someone a boost, then ask them to help you work on something? Honest authenticity can be very very sexy, as long as you are moving forward and not wallowing.

  15. 15
    Cathy J

    I love this.

    Thank you for also adding in about working many hours … that one really struck home for me.

    Visuals like this really impact – not just in the video blog format but also the two houses – I want the open house!!

    Inspiring and illuminating!

  16. 16
    Mary

    Ok, now I am totally confused. Don't tolerate unacceptable behavior, but cut the good guy a break … ugh!

    Someone help me to not be snarky about this … Been dating a really great guy for 2.5 months. We live about a 30 minute-drive from each other. I go away on business, and get back just as he's going away on business. Hot texting every day, some long phone calls when both schedules allow. Last 2 days it's been … can't wait to see you, etc., maybe as soon as Tuesday night. (In full disclosure, he's been traveling with an overseas colleague who now may not be able to get home until 4/28 due to volcano). It's Tuesday. We text early in the day an it seems like we're both excited to see each other tonight. It's tonight, he calls, we talk for about 40 minutes on the phone, then he says he needs to go work out, go get some food in his house, take clothes to the laundry, so this might not be the best night to get together. I say, ok, no problem. He says, you are so easy-going. I'd probably be whining if you didn't want to see me after 10 days. I say, what is there to whine about? Ok, I get it … I know what it's like when you've been on the road for 8 days. Says, he's got to work tomorrow and Thursday, but will probably take Friday off. That changes everything for me. Not only will we not see each other tonight, but not tomorrow night, or the next night. Then he gets a call from his traveling companion, and takes the call, putting me on hold. I waited about 1.5 minutes and hung up. He calls back about 5 minutes later (did he really intend to keep me on hold for 6.5 minutes?) Tells me all about his traveling companion's woes. He knows I'm in my car at this point, and says, where are you going … can I meet you for dinner? I say, no you will feel better if you go work out, cook dinner at home. Have a good night, and a great day tomorrow. Talk to you soon.

    A.) I'm pissed that he led me to believe that he was really excited to see me, and that I set the table and went out and bought the makings for a great dinner.

    B.) I'm pissed that he took a phone call when he was talking to me.

    C.) I'm pissed that I am so low on his priority list.

    He IS a really great guy. So is this tolerating bad behavior, or is this one of those moments when I just have to suck it up and say timing is not good, be the great girlfriend, and put a smile in my voice the next time we talk?

    Help me out here, because, quite frankly Evan, message #2 and #3 are confusing me.

  17. 17
    Vanessa

    To Mary # 16.

    It just seems like you are both too busy and live too far away from each other, for this to be a relationship where you see each other often. It seems to me that if you want to be together, at least until you both decide it is going to be serious, it will have to be this way. Or are you willing to relocate? Or get a different job? Is he?

  18. 18
    moggz

    Angela (9)-
    I was there too! Although not for as long….but I was dealing with the brick wall too…ha I even called him out on it!! I had to make the decision that he wasn't ready….regardless of how wonderful it seemed…he wasn't there yet. God- that was a hard decision….a day doesn't go by that I don't think of him….but I also think of all the times I was left questioning myself and my actions. A solid relationship does not leave you questioning yourself. He is not ready!!!

  19. 19
    moggz

    Cathy J (15)-
    I wanna be the open house too! Hmmmm….does that mean I have to bake cookies and everything?? It's always about food with men isn't it?? hahahaha

  20. 20
    Tina

    Mary,
    This guy seems to be sending you mixed signals! If you are someone he missed all this time with the hot texts and stuff, wouldn't you be one of the top things on his list upon returning home? Laundry and grocery shopping? I think guys sometimes like to keep us nearby and wanting them, maybe it's an ego thing or something. But I think you said it yourself when you said you were low on his priority list. If that's how you feel, then that's probably right where you are. I've learned that you should trust your gut with how you are feeling. Can't managae to see you when he's finally back in town and been missing you all this time???? I spent close to two months waiting for someone to “squeeze” me into their schedule before realizing that I simply wasn't going to fit unless they wanted me to. Believe me, if you were someone this man wanted to see, he would have found a way to do it. Barring having his kids the whole time he was back in town, there is no excuse. Save yourself some serious time and pick another winner!
    Evan, totally understood and enjoyed your last video! Keep them coming!

  21. 21
    moggz

    Isabelle (6)-
    Thank you….you definitely pegged this for me! Being clever, funny, outgoing…and extremely enthusiastic can be as much of an obstacle as being guarded, cautious, and expecting the worst. Just like food, booze and sex….enthusiasm is best shared in moderation!

  22. 22
    Mary

    Tina(20),
    Thank you a million times over. You are right, (and I am right), but sometimes we need an outsider's perspective. It's not me, it's him. Next.

  23. 23
    Paula

    Thank you Evan for 3 very good videos. I think this one is my favorite though. It is very difficult when one has had their heart broken and the trust has been totally eradicated. When you meet someone new, they should NOT wear the shoes of the other person – the new guy is not the one that broke our heart. If we can just keep in mind that this is a clean slate, that this is a new man with his own distinct personality, then we can move forward and possibly have that love in our life that we so much desire.

  24. 24
    Shay

    Mary (#16),

    may I know how old are you and this guy you're dating?

    Younger people (below 30s) might be able to survive on passion alone. But more mature people (30s and up) knows there are other things which are as important or more important in life.

    BTW, you said ITS OK when he said its not the best time to meet. Please, Girl, say what you mean and mean what you say. If IT IS NOT OK for you, just tell him you understand he was away and you really wanted to see him even for a short while. You understand it might not be the best time but if he would oblige, it would make you very happy.

    He asked you AGAIN and you said NO. Now you're blaming him for assuming the worst in him and your unhappiness.

    You really could have said yes, you know.

  25. 25
    Cathy

    This was a great video, very well said and a great reminder for me.
    Thank you Evan

  26. 26
    Brenda

    For Mary – I have been where you are……….go out with other men, don't wait for Mr. Great Guy to decide when he wants to see you. You are not high on his priority list – putting working out before seeing you? Come on – I dated a man like this too………..I took the hint and quietly began dating others, found a wonderful man who treats me like gold (we've been dating 4 months now), he has exhibited none of the behavior you wrote about………and the first man then started to email, text and call again, wondering where I went, and didn't I want to go out with him? And I said “No, you showed me by your behavior that you weren't that interested so I moved on”……….

    You can do so much better – this is so NOT a great guy………..

  27. 27
    Cathy J

    Heya Mary #16

    Definitely mixed signals and to be really honest the change of plan on the day plus putting you on hold ++ sends major warning signals to me. Could he be seeing someone else also??? Laundry – that sounded like us gal's comments about staying in to wash our hair! I agree with Brenda #26 – see other guys. Don't be fallback girl. If he's interested he'll do better next time.

    Moggs #17 cooking is always a good thing – and seems to still be one of the ways to a man's heart!! Luckily, I love cooking – at least for the food I love to eat myself. However a great tip from a girlfriend of mine who is not so into cooking – she bought an ipod app with Jamie Oliver's 20 min meals. It comes with videos, shopping lists, recipes, the works – I was very impressed. Even the biggest novice can use this.

  28. 28
    Cathy J

    oops iphone app – you knew what I meant!

    Vanessa #17 – 30 mins too far away – not for the man who is interested. 30 mins is nothing!!!

    Happy relating peoples and Evan, thanks again – this blog is cool – the chatting is really nice!

  29. 29
    Diana

    To Mary #16, I see your situation as possibly a good opportunity missed. While I can understand your feelings, especially about the interrupted phone call, I am not sure why you chose not to meet up with him for dinner. Was it because you felt angry that all of your special preparations were for naught and he wasn't meeting your expectations?

    I know your heart was set on something special at home, but did you share this with him ahead of time or did you let him know during your call? Did you let him know how you felt about the phone call interruption? Maybe after speaking with you for 40 minutes he realized even more that he really did want to see you that night, even though the stress of everyday commitments was intruding. He thought that he could strike while the iron was hot (you were already on the road) and that you could still enjoy each others company in a different way from what you had hoped and planned for. You know the saying about how when life hands you lemons, you make lemonade. :)

    I'd like to think that any disappointment you would have felt over a special dinner gone awry would have been replaced at the moment of seeing him over dinner. If he wasn't excited to see you, why would he have asked about meeting for dinner?

    I don't necessarily think you're low on his priority list, unless there's more to this relationship than you have shared. While his handling of the business call was not ideal, he did call you back rather than letting the interruption hang thick in the air. And I know how impossibly frustrating it is to have everyday life duties and a job commitment intrude, but when someone's been on the road, these things happen, as you understandingly let the guy know. I'm sure you can empathize.

    I sense what we have here is a failure to communicate what you were truly feeling, and thus I bet he doesn't even know what he did wrong.

  30. 30
    Karl R

    Mary, (#16)
    I have to agree with Shay (#24) on this one.

    You lied to your boyfriend about whether it was okay for him to not see you. He believed you. Now you are using that as your primary reason to break up with him.

    You will never find a boyfriend who can read your mind. The best you can hope to find is a boyfriend who listens to you and believes you.

    I cannot tell you whether you are a priority to your boyfriend. Unless you can read minds, you cannot tell either. The only way you can know for certain is to discuss the situation with your boyfriend … and hope that he is more honest with you than you were with him.

    Your boyfriend made some missteps. He should have told you he had to work on Wednesday and Thursday before asking whether it was okay to not see you on Tuesday. When the phone call interrupted, he should have either asked the other caller if he could call them back, or he should have switched back to your line and asked you if it was okay for him to call you back. I can see why either of those situations would annoy you.

    But from my perspective, neither of those actions warrant a breakup. (It is reasonable to tell him that those actions bothered you.) If you break up with every guy who makes a misstep like that, then you will break up with every guy.

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