What You Should Assume About Men

This is the third video based on the questions YOU wanted answered in my 1500 question survey. Last week, I told you that you don’t ATTRACT the wrong men, you ACCEPT the wrong men. I got a lot of really great feedback on that and hope that you’ve already made the mental adjustment to stop thinking you’re a bad man magnet and instead realize that you’ve been way too accepting of unacceptable behavior.

Today’s tip might be a little more challenging because instead of telling you to dump the bad guys, I’m going to ask you to open up to a whole new way of viewing the pursuit of love. It may be counter-intuitive, but I am confident that it will make a big difference for you. You ready?

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You Have to Assume the Best In Men, Rather Than the Worst in Men

You’ve been hurt by men before. You’ve been hurt bad. You’ve vowed to learn from the experience and protect yourself from that ever happening again.

And to protect yourself from being hurt by a man, you:

Choose not to date at all.
Try to make him earn your trust.
Pull away from a guy at the first hint of trouble.
Tell him your relationship goals on the first few dates.
Want to clarify where things are headed in the first few months.

Those are all perfectly rational. The problem is: the only thing you’re protecting yourself from is the possibility of falling in love.

Let me explain.

Look at your life. You probably work a minimum of 40 hours a week. You probably have friends and hobbies and family. You’re probably really, really, wary of men.

And because of your previous experience, you do everything in your power to prevent the “wrong men” from getting in. You’re vigilant about looking for the signs. And you find them everywhere you go. As a result, you remain single.

Think of it like a visual metaphor. You live in a house. Mr. Right is walking down the street, trying to find his Ms. Right. There’s two houses right next to each other that look identical. They’re gorgeous, modern, spacious, well-decorated, inviting. Except for one minor thing. The house on the left has a 10 foot brick wall around it. The house on the right has an open door with the smell of chocolate chip cookies wafting.
Which house do you think Mr. Right is going to peek into?
It’s kind of a no-brainer.

the only thing you’re protecting yourself from is the possibility of falling in love.

Now you can make the argument that the RIGHT man would try to figure out how to scale the 10 foot wall. You can make the argument that the REASON there’s a wall is that there’s some crime in the neighborhood and she’d been robbed twice before. You can justify that protective wall in every way possible. But it doesn’t change the bottom line.

A good man doesn’t need to break down or scale your wall. He’s just going to look for a warm, inviting, open door.

To take it even further:

  • A good man will not be able to find you if you’re working 11 hours a day.
  • A good man doesn’t need to earn your trust if he’s never done anything wrong.
  • A good man may have a number of characteristics that you might not like.
  • A good man takes relationships seriously and can’t promise that he will know after a a few months that you are destined for the altar.

So while I deeply empathize with you if you’re trying to avoid “wasting” time by trying to figure out the future before HE knows the future. Just know that you’re sabotaging any real chance you have to form a real trusting connection.

You have to go in with a clean slate, an open mind, and a clear head. At any point you have the right to determine that he’s not the one for you, and he has the right to determine that you’re not the one for him. It’s called dating.

Instead of trying to figure everything out up front to protect yourself from getting hurt, give yourself to the process and let him reveal his character.

Opening the door and assuming the best will make the good men gravitate towards you. Treat him as if he’s going to hurt you and he’s not going to want to stick around.

P.S. Even though this video is free…don’t discount the value of it. Opening up to love and being vulnerable makes you more attractive to each new man you meet. And since you will never accept less than optimal treatment from a man, you can never be blindsided again!

If you’ve enjoyed these videos, in which I tell what men are really thinking, please, put in your email address. That will put you on my priority mailing list so you’ll get first notification (and valuable free bonuses) when my new book comes out.

Signing up will also give you access to a special report I created based on YOUR survey questions, called “The 3 Biggest Illusions You Have About Men”. This is some really valuable and eye opening stuff, and it’s all yours on the next page. Just put in your email, click submit, and stay tuned for more.

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Comments:

  1. 61
    Ava

    Karl R #60
     
    We all have baggage, but I don't think the baggage Casey is talking about is on the same level as your example of "J". She's not asking for permission to be insanely jealous, to accuse her dates of cheating, or to act like a mean, insensitive jerk. Having baggage doesn't excuse abusive behavior, and Casey isn't asking for that.
     

  2. 62
    BeenThereDoneThat

    I didn’t see anywhere in any of Casey’s posts where she says she holds the new guy responsible for everything that has been done to her in the past and makes accusations based on those past experiences.   I think Karl has taken it to an extreme.  
    I was molested as a child – there is some of my baggage.  I have never  assumed  any  guy is going to molest my children but that doesn’t mean that I just bring home random people I barely know because I don’t think they are a pedophile.  I’m going to do my best to make sure my kids are protected.  I’m going to take reasonable safety precautions.  Does that mean I’ll NEVER invite someone to my house for dinner?  Nope, just that it won’t be on a 1st date.   And guess what?  I’ve never accused anyone of being a pedophile.  J obviously has issues.
    Evan, I think, is saying assume someone is a good person until they show you otherwise.  I can do that. I do believe most people are good people.  Still, doesn't mean i hand over my PIN.            
     

  3. 63
    Karl R

    Ava, (#61)
    I don't know what form Casey's baggage takes, or the magnitude. It's clear that she has trust issues.
     
    Casey said: (#57)
    "the man who would be my hero isn't scared by a few checkpoints, […]  He'd understand the world we live in can be a dangerous and horrible place, and I shouldn't be leaving myself open to all manner of predators by assuming who is and is not a good guy […] Oh, and that I am worth the effort."
     
    I would be willing to bet that J__ thinks he's "worth the effort" too … even though there isn't a woman on this blog who would agree with him. Everyone feels that they are a wonderful person inside … if only that special man / woman would take the time to really get to know them.
     
    When a date tries to touch Casey on the arm, does she reflexively flinch away? If a woman did that, I might sympathize with her plight, but still feel that her wounds are too raw for us to be in a successful relationship together.
     
    Let's say I'm on a first date with a woman who has been hurt and (understandably) has severe trust issues. She flinches away when I try to seat her at the restaurant. She jumps in fear when I laugh a little to loud. If I lean forward, she leans away (to keep a safe distance between us). Since we're in a public place, it might not take too long before other patrons start noticing that she's treating me like I'm her abuser … and a couple of them start glaring at me like I'm a monster. By this point, I would just be praying that none of my acquaintances are in the same restaurant.
     
    At a certain point, precautions go beyond reasonable and become annoying. In the example I just gave, it goes beyond annoying and to the level where it's damaging to the nice guy.
     
    Practical application:
    On the first few dates, the guy is just interested in whether you're fun to be around. You can have fun in public places (where you're safe from predators). You can have fun without physical intimacy. You can have fun without confiding your darkest secrets. But the guy isn't going to have fun if you're making him actively prove that he's not the enemy.

  4. 64
    Shay

    I think the open door with the cookies smell is just metaphorical. To me, it means having a life which attracts rather than rejects. E.g. the guy sees all the fun things I do, the niceties in me (which requires some openess in dealing with people) and is attracted to my life that he wants to join in. Rather than seeing my life as stoney, cold, hard, like the wall etc.
    Casey, I hope you're not a fan of romance novels. What you wanted in a guy sounds like the male lead in the romance novels. Girl with a hunted past. Man came into her life. Go through struggle to get together. Man realises he can't solve all problems for the girl but he wants to take care of her, etc.
    Ummm, its kinda unrealistic. Not that its impossible. But when people are going on 30 or above in age, people want something simple. Non taxing. No complications.
    Relationships are not simple and all that. So, if you don't open yourself a wee bit more to allow somebody to come into your life, to attract people into your life….guys will go elsewhere (they see you as not interesed)…if they even find you in the first place (coz you work 11 hours). Like Evan said in one of his other posts, unless the man breaks into your house, he's not gonna meet you. And I don't suppose we all wanna have any romantic interest in anybody who breaks into our house (unless its in a romance novel).
    And unless you let this one guy got to know you, attracted by your person and your life to want to go sit in the park and have lunch with you continually and consistently, you'll be having lunch in the park alone. If your face shows gloom and doom, no guy would wanna come near and speak to you in the park while you're having lunch alone as well.
    My 2 cents. Hope this helps.

  5. 65
    Shay

    Oh sorry…I don't know why I relate park with lunch in Casey's post. Hahhaa…probably just mis read. But I hope my idea is clear.

  6. 66
    Casey

    Karl,
    You missed the most important part: "He'd respect the fact I've spent a lot of time and money to learn how to carry my baggage all on my own…got some luggage straps and few roll away bags.  But that doesn't mean it won't weigh me down sometimes or that I won't trip and fall under the weight of it once in a while…maybe they pop open once in a while."
     
    Here's the thing about triggers, they are always there and they will always exist.  I can't stop them, and I can't stop being triggered by certain things…but what I can do is deal with it when I'm triggered.  I spent a hell of a lot of time and money (my own hard earned money…not insurance money) getting professional help to do so.  I did not sink into a bottle or drugs or gambling or any other addictive behavior.   I sucked it up…and in doing so I realized I have an amazing ability to survive and the courage to heal in spite of what has happened to me.  But it seems that men think that once you've healed…you don't have triggers anymore – they cease to exist and you shouldn't take any precautions to protect yourself or that they know what precautions to take — but they're my triggers not anyone else's and my precautions will be my own based on them.
     
    Let me ask you this Karl, if you served in Iraq and Afghanistan and came back with PTSD…went through treatment and healed, but because sometimes a firefight in a movie or on t.v. triggers you…every woman you met viewed you as damaged and too much to deal with because they can easily just go find another fish in the sea…or in most cases, the internet.  It wouldn't feel very good would it?
     
    Or let me try putting it in terms you may understand.  In high school, I suffered a severe knee injury.  Almost lost my leg.  For years, it was a problem.  I'd injury it at the drop of the hat, it would just collapse under me, and I'd end up in physical therapy.  No matter what I did…seemed to injure it all over again.  But for years I kept going to physical therapy, and eventually I learned what exercises are best to keep it strong (lunges, squats, etc.), how I can protect it (knee brace), what to do if I injury it (motrin, ice, elevation, rest, etc), etc.  But the biggest lesson I learned is that no matter what I did, even if I stayed in the house, I could not take away the risk of injury.  All I can do is keep it strong and be smart about what sports I play (and basketball is definitely out) and activities I engage in.
     
    Well, PTSD is just like that – I got professional help to heal, learned how to protect myself, what to do to keep strong, what to do if I was triggered, etc.  Most importantly I learned that triggers will always exist…I can't stop them.  Problem isn't me, it's that men don't understand that and most don't care to learn.  If I was a combat veteran, they probably would…but not for the horrible things that have happened to me and many, many other women…far more women then men like to think about (current stats vary from 1 in 4 to 1 in 3)…plus men don't like to think about the awful things that other men do to women.
     
    But, I also learned that physical injuries and mental injuries are the same in that, with hard work and therapy, you can heal.  Problem is society views them as different, particularly men.  You would never think of not dating me because I have a knee injury and I take precautions to protect it, but you would for an emotional injury and I take precautions to protect myself…even though both are healed.  Why?  Because the physical injury requires nothing of you.  The emotional one, on the other hand, requires you to make an effort to get around those precautions and your understanding every now and then.  You may even think it will require you to carry my bags…when it, most emphatically, does not!  Perhaps if I wasn't healed it would require that, but I have.
     
    And for the record, I have dated many men, including my ex-husband,  with a lot of different issues and problems.  That also includes the most amazing person and best man I've ever met (who has PTSD and his ex-wife cheated on him while he was deployed in Iraq and Afghanistan…and with whom, sadly, things did not work out).  The key for me never was or will be the fact they have issues or problems because it is ridiculous to think that no one will have any, particularly as we get older.  It is what are they doing about them?  And they didn't (and a very large percentage of the population doesn't) have the courage to get help with the problem…they prefer to pretend they don't have a problem, drink, do drugs, binge eat, or whatever…but most often…blame me and my PTSD for any problems.
     
    Hopefully, that helps you understand a little better what I was talking about in my previous post.
     
    Casey
     
    P.S.  I am fun to be around (despite…or perhaps because of my trust issues), and I don't flinch or pull away when a man I'm dating touches me.

  7. 67
    Shay

    Sighhhh, sorry to hear that about yourself, Casey.
     
    "Problem isn't me, it's that men don't understand that and most don't care to learn."
     
    Unfortunately, we can't control men. We can only control ourselves. And that's what Evan is always trying to teach women on this blog.

  8. 68
    sayanta

    Casey-
    Emotionally healthy people want other emotionally healthy people, period. I understand and sympathize with your example about the PTSD war veteran. But- the point is, we all want a relationship that's fun, rewarding, and healthy. I'm probably going to sound insensitive here, but if a guy's come back from Iraq, or wherever, and is in a constant state of violent terror AND WILL MOST LIKELY BE THAT WAY FOR A LONG TIME (that's the key, here)- there's no way I'd be able to be in a relationship with him. I'd give him my friendship, and support, but you need more than that for a relationship.
    The thing is- a lot of people don't want to see the truth about themselves, which is, sometimes, they really are just too damaged to be in a relationship. There's no point in saying, "others can't deal with it" because, as many others have said before me, the common denominator in all your relationships (even with friends/family) is you. For example, say you meet two people- non-romantic. Both are fun to be around, but one has severe bipolar disorder and is always off her meds. With her, you never know if she's going to start driving at 120/hr with you in the car or just throw a bowl at you out of nowhere. The other one? You get to enjoy movies, dinner, and great stable conversation all the time. Whom would you be inclined to hang out with?
    The thing is- we should (I hesitate to use that word, because I personally don't think anyone "should" have to do anything) offer support to those with tremendous problems, but we have NO obligation to get into serious relationships with them. I only say this, because it sounds from your post that you're saying men SHOULD want to date you no matter what your issues are. Well, my imaginary severely bipolar friend probably prefers that I spend a lot of time with her- but to preserve my own sanity and sense of well-being, I won't.

  9. 69
    Karl R

    Casey, (#66)
    Given the "1 in 4" number that you mention, I'll assume that you're alluding to rape.
     
    My current girlfriend was raped. My previous serious girlfriend was raped (and I saw her encounter one of her "triggers"). I've dated at least two other women who were raped. That experience won't prevent you from getting dates or having a serious relationship.
     
    Your presentation of that experience (#57, including the part requoted in the first paragraph of #66) might prevent you from getting into a relationship. I read some excerpts from your post to my girlfriend. Her response: "She doesn't sound like she's any fun."
     
    I realize your posts here are not a full representation of who you are as a person, so it's entirely possible that the image I've gotten of you (based on this thread) bears no resemblance to reality. But the impression I've gotten from your posts in this thread is not of someone I'd consider dating.
     
    Casey said: (#66)
    "Problem isn't me, it's that men don't understand that and most don't care to learn."
     
    I agree with Casey. If you see men as being the problem, then you'll never be able to find a solution. But your own statement suggests several possible solutions:

    Date a man who has PTSD
    Date someone who was in a relationship with someone with PTSD
    Date someone who has a friend or family member with PTSD
    Meet someone who has a similar set of baggage they carry around

     
    My little sister met her husband in some sort of support group (or maybe group therapy), so there are solutions out there that don't require you to "fix" men. The only thing you gain by blaming the problem on men … you've placed the responsibility for finding a solution on someone other than yourself.

  10. 70
    Helen

    Sayanta 68, you're beginning to sound like Evan… ;-)  Very nice and logical comments.

    Indeed, relationships are a privilege, not a right.  We can't assume that anyone owes us anything, unless there is a binding legal contract.  If we want relationships, we have to make ourselves into the types of people others desire to spend time with.

  11. 71
    sayanta

    Helen-
     
    #70- That's the nicest thing anyone could say to me. What do you think, Evan? ;-p

  12. 72
    Casey

    Wow…there are some seriously cruel and uncalled for statements in the posts after my post @ 66.  Seriously…cruel things to say to someone you've never met who was just trying to explain something honestly about a subject that is difficult.  Several of the posters after my post @ 57 indicated they didn't feel Karl understood what I was trying to say.  So in post #66, I tried to clarify it.  I don't believe I was cruel or insensitive or calling anyone names or saying hurtful things about a particular person.  I was just speaking from my experience.  I did my best to be sincere and serious.  I threw in a little smart remark in the P.S., but I didn't think that would detract from the weight of the rest of my post.

    That being said, the one that stands out the most is Karl's: "I read some excerpts from your post to my girlfriend. Her response: "She doesn't sound like she's any fun."

    Really? What is the point of that statement? Especially saying it on the heels of the statement that your girlfriend had been raped?  It felt like a punch below the belt to me, and not helpful or constructive at all.  But, Evan's the ref and he let it be posted, so I guess I'm wrong.

    I won't be reading or posting here anymore because…well…I think the reason is clear.  But I want to thank Ava, Jersey Girl, BeenThereDoneThat, and several others who read my posts, understood and tried to help clarify what I was saying.  They provided some helpful and constructive feedback.

    Good luck to you all…I hope you find what you are looking for… 

  13. 73
    Jennifer

    Casey,
    For what it's worth, I also don't think that particular statement was constructive, and I can understand why you'd be upset by it.

  14. 74
    Joe

    Casey @ 72:
    The point of the statement is probably that (most) people want to date people who are fun to be with.  People who are fun tend to get more dates, and subsequent dates.

  15. 75
    Selena

    Casey,
    I am sorry that you found some of the posts here cruel. I've gone back and re-read this thread a few times now and my take is that the responses, in particular Karl's and Sayanta's, were not at all meant to be hurtful, but rather an objective, practical viewpoint. 
     
    I've known perhaps as many as 25 friends who have been raped. Including some males, one of them a partner of mine for several years. And this number just represents the number of people who felt comfortable enough to talk about it – given the statistics I might know 3 to 4 times as many people who had the same experience. A few years ago I had a boyfriend who attempted to rape me one day when he was drunk.  I'm writing about this so you understand I am sympathic, I do understand where you are coming from. Yet…
     
    Casey, what comes across in your writing is how this bad experience has shaped your personality, your outlook, and your expectations. I'd say this is natural. But for all you write about how you've healed, how you don't expect someone else to "carry your baggage", there is a flavor of why shouldn't a man be able (and willing) to shape himself to your personality and adapt to your triggers? Sayanta's point: why should he?
     
    My previous bf – the would be rapist – loved me dearly. He was a wonderful guy in many ways, but he had a drinking problem (as well as some other fairly heavy baggage).  Sometimes when he drank too much he turned into a Mr. Hyde-type monster. Mean, abusive.  Not always, but unpredictably. It was because of the unpredictable nature of this that I gave him more chances than I know I should have. Always wanting to believe it wouldn't happen again since he was so good most of the time.  The rape attempt, along with punching and false accusations of sleeping with all his friends was the final straw. I left him and have had absolutely no contact with him since.
     
    The experience with him has shaped me. I am now disinclined to get involved with any man I perceive as drinking a bit too much, or too often.  I'll likely pass up some really terrific men who like to drink with this policy, but I don't care.  There are plenty of other men out there who don't drink to excess. And many more who would never even consider being a potential rapist.   Since I don't view all men as potential abusive drunks I don't have a wall up. I keep my emotional door mostly open. I've been known to bake. But I do observe.
    Maybe one day you will find your "hero", your dragon slayer. As for me, I'd be fine with someone who was just a fun companion. And who has consciously stowed his baggage up in the attic with a sheet over it, where it belongs.  As I have done with mine.

  16. 76
    Karl R

    Casey asked: (#72)
    "What is the point of that statement?"
     
    There were several points to my statements:
    1. Rape victims get dates, find boyfriends, and have long-term relationships all the time.
    2. Men go on 2nd, 3rd, etc. dates with women they perceive as fun. You can present yourself as fun or not. That's under your control.
    3. You said: "Problem isn't me, it's that men don't understand." I went to the one person I could immediately find who would most understand your situation. When I rely on a source that's more credible then my own opinion, I cite that source.
     
    Casey said: (#72)
    "It felt like a punch below the belt to me,"
     
    Whenever I get that feeling, it's because someone just told me the truth (when I didn't want to aknowledge it). If someone says something that's not true (regardless of how offensive, cruel, or downright venomous), it merely annoys me.
     
    The way you describe yourself makes it sound like you're loaded down with baggage. You can clearly function with that baggage. However, I find it likely that your self-image matches your description of yourself. If so, it's likely that you project that image in ways that other people can discern. That's unlikely to attract many men.
     
    What Shay (#64 & #67) and sayanta (#68) told you is true. You may find it ugly and hurtful. If so, that's only because it's true. They certainly weren't being mean about how they said it.
     
    If you want a solution, then you have to start with the truth and work from there. If you just want to feel better, then you need someone to tell you that you're right, you're wonderful, and everything will somehow work out perfectly for you in the end. Which do you want? The readers on this blog will generally provide you with the former, not the latter.

  17. 77
    Selena

    Karl, I don't know if Casey is still reading this thread, but I think you touched on something beneficial in your post #69 with mention of support groups.Casey, I know you've had a good bit of therapy, but have you joined or considered joining a support group for PSTD and/or, sexual assault survivors?
     
     I suffered with anxiety disorder for years and while my boyfriend at the time was understanding, he never really understood how having that condition made me think and feel – if you get the distinction.  One thing that helped the most with coping with severe anxiety was having a couple good friends who also had it I met through a support group.  I was able to call them when I was feeling overwhelmed, when something triggered a panic attack. They knew exactly how I felt and were the best at helping me push through it,  to see how sometimes my perspective was distorted because of it. And helping them when they needed it, helped me too.  Even if my bf possessed unlimited patience he could never have helped me as much as my friends did simply because he seldom experienced anxiety, let alone the formless, weighty fear kind that I did.
     
    You've written that men don't understand, and don't want to. That they have blamed everything on you and your PSTD. You deeply desire a man who will understand your "baggage", your precautions and your triggers – who will give you a "hand up" when you ask for one.  Maybe you are looking in the wrong direction for this Casey. Could you not get this kind of understanding and support from someone else who knows exactly what you are going through, rather than a romantic partner who doesn't and may feel helpless when it comes to comforting you?
     
    If you haven't tried a support group yet in your quest to heal, I respectfully suggest you explore the idea as an option.
     
    Selena
     

  18. 78
    sayanta

    The posters above have stated everything I was planning to say in response beautifully. So- all I will say it this: I've noticed that some people- on this blog- and in everyday life, find it offensive and 'cruel' when someone suggests that they change certain actions, and maybe their worldview. I think this is sad, because most of the time, such people are dooming themselves to living at less than their full potential.
    But you can only take a horse to water- you can't force it to drink (no, I'm not saying anyone here is a horse).

  19. 79
    brightsmile

    Casey,
    I get your point about triggers. I have had the exact experiences the past 8 years after my divorce. I want you to know from my own experience, the trigger will always be there but my emotions get better and better with time. The same song or same movie that triggered the deep anger or sorrow for days on now it has no effect at all. Certain things will trigger my memory: oh, he did this to me, but I have no pain now as I did few years ago. Yes, I worked very hard at healing myself but time is the most important element. When the counselor told me that I would need about 7 years, I was so stunned I couldn't swallow. But he was so right. Also, if you accept your feelings, the reactions to the trigger will lessen with time.
    Fun, happy people without baggage do not automatically find a partner quickly and easily. Try not to blame yourself or the men if relationship doesn't evolve or last as long as you want it to. Even after the healing, you may still not find someone for a satisfied relationship either. So just give yourself the gift of time and let it be. Good luck Casey.
     

  20. 80
    Jenice

    Casey: I hope you get this (but it probably won’t even get posted, based on what I am about to say). I know exactly what you are talking about–I got every single word. You will not find any understanding on this board, which is dominated by Karl’s domineering insensitivity and women coddling EMK’s POV, which is all about “winning” in the dating game (“winning” being getting married or into a LTR, quality not at issue). No one can discuss trauma, illness, abuse, aging, sexism, or anything that requires a discussion of ethics, genuine love (phony romantic love is OK), compassion, or understanding.

    No depth here, and quite a bit of callousness, most especially in the way people (almost all men, of course) bandy about “insights” about women who have been raped. So clueless.

  21. 81
    Karl R

    Jenice said: (#80)
    "No one can discuss trauma, illness, abuse, aging, sexism, or anything that requires a discussion of ethics, genuine love"
     
    It's amazing what "No one" has discussed on this blog before.
     
    trauma
    http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/hurt-by-men-in-love-should-i-give-them-a-chance/
     
    illness
    http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/if-i-have-herpes-how-can-i-tell-the-new-guy-im-dating/
    http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/a-matchmaking-site-for-the-disabled/
     
    abuse
    http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/my-boyfriend-is-a-verbally-abusive-physically-abusive-emotionally-abusive-sexually-unfaithful-man-what-should-i-do/
     
    aging
    http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/what-do-guys-in-their-20s-want-with-women-in-their-40s/
    http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/why-would-a-younger-woman-want-to-date-a-much-older-man/
    http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/why-do-women-in-their-30s-not-want-to-date-men-in-their-40s/
    http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/newsflash-older-men-dont-want-women-their-own-age/
     
    sexism
    http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/i-think-all-men-are-players-why-cant-i-find-a-boyfriend/
    http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/pity-the-pretty-an-ode-to-attractive-women-who-cant-find-boyfriends/
    http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/women-who-earn-more-money-than-men/
     
    ethics
    http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/lying-in-your-profile/
    http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/have-you-ever-lied-about-anything-in-your-profile/
    http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/id-rather-have-sex-with-my-cheating-ex-than-with-my-devoted-boyfriend/
    http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/my-catholic-boyfriend-refuses-to-have-sex-with-me-should-i-try-to-seduce-him/
     
    unconditional love
    http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/when-a-man-criticizes-a-woman-not-the-percy-sledge-version/
     
    I'm asuming that you were referring the concept of agape (unconditional love) when you spoke of "genuine love". If you'd like to discuss it (and it hasn't been discussed in depth before), I'd be happy to start with my opinion of it's place inside romantic relationships:
     
    Unconditional love doesn't exist in romantic relationships: It's a beautiful illusion that we claim to give & receive. But as soon as your partner actually puts it to an extreme test (regularly cheats on you, physically abuses you, poisons your pets) you'll discover that there are actually some conditions that will make you stop loving that person.
     
    And healthy people tend to exit those relationships in a very short period of time.

  22. 82
    Shay

    Jenice (#80),
     
    I'm so surprised that you said
    "EMK’s POV, which is all about “winning” in the dating game (“winning” being getting married or into a LTR, quality not at issue)"
     
    If we don't want quality marriage/LTR, we all won't be here. Evan can just shut down his site and stop his business. Evan has always given the advice to walk away from abusive/unsatisfactory relationships. You may or may not agree with the points here. But I seriously don't think this comment is called for.

  23. 83
    Betty

    Karl @ 81 used this part of Jenice's quote:
    No one can discuss trauma, illness, abuse, aging, sexism, or anything that requires a discussion of ethics, genuine love" 
     Then added his own words:
    "It's amazing what "No one" has discussed on this blog before."
     
    Curious that you left off the rest of Jenice's quote–the part about "compassion" and "understanding."  Oh, right. It's Karl. Not curious at all.

  24. 84
    Joe

    Wow, I didn't realize Karl's well-reasoned commentary was so domineering!

  25. 85
    Betty

    Not posting my comment? Defending Karl again, hmm?

  26. 86
    Evan Marc Katz

    I don't think there's any value in defending myself against charges of sexism,  "winning", a lack of ethics, or refusal to allow freedom of speech. My writing speaks for itself. I would simply encourage Betty, Jenice and Casey to find a blog that better suits your tastes, rather than complaining about this one.

    The internet is big enough that I should be able to happily write to people who want to receive my message, and you should be able to seek a forum that better validates your worldview. Thanks to those who've defended me. Best of luck to those who didn't…

    Evan

  27. 87
    BeenThereDoneThat

    Evan’s example of being open and inviting was of two houses, one that was locked up tight fortress  and the other with the soft glow of lights coming from the window, the smell of baking cookies wafting out of an open door.  In a literal way; I am someone who does not lock my doors and who was robbed three times in 5 years.  And I do live in a nice neighborhood.    Whoever it was didn’t do any damage and just took some gaming equipment (I’m on my third X-Box).  I suspect it was teenage neighbors and it was probably not the same individuals each time.  After the third time, I decided to adopt a reasonable safety precaution of locking my doors when I’m out of the house and throughout the night (you are probably thinking “it took her being robbed three times to do that?!!).  Definitely took me longer than it should have to implement that needed change.  When I’m home, and it’s not night, my door is unlocked, my front door is open and everyone is welcome in my house.    
     
    In my opinion, Casey was trying to express that it is essential to have some safety precautions; much like me locking my door.  And when people started commenting on how she was mistaken and had walls and who wants that?  She tried to defend her position.  The more she tried to defend her position, the more people responded with how she had issues. 
     
    I get what Evan is saying; I totally do.  If my goal is to keep from getting hurt and take too many protective measures, I will succeed in keeping everyone out.  If I’m not willing to risk being vulnerable and take the chance on being hurt, then I’m not really open to a relationship because I’m always going to be keeping people at arms’ length and not letting anyone get close.  But I also get what Casey is saying and Starthrower on the other thread about finding the balance.  I never got the impression that Casey was saying someone had to get past her moat, slay the dragon, scale the wall and perform other feats to indicate trustworthiness.   To me, she was just saying it might be a good idea to lock the door when you aren’t home or at night.   

  28. 88
    Karl R

    Betty said: (#83)
    "Curious that you left off the rest of Jenice's quote–the part about 'compassion' and 'understanding.' "
     
    Betty,
    Click any of the links I provided and start reading the comments. Do you really feel that none of the comments demonstrate compassion and understanding? I started with the link under "trauma" and found two examples in the first three comments.
     
    If you honestly feel that this blog lacks compassion and understanding, why don't you (or Jenice) post something compassionate and understanding. Show us by example what a well thought-out, well written, compassionate response should look like.
     
    However, if you (and Jenice) choose to blatantly overlook the best this blog has to offer, and then choose to insult Evan, me, and the regular readers … don't be surprised if you're made to feel as welcome as the average flaming troll. I'm not going to lump Casey in with you two. I may have disagreed with her, but she was at least contributing something.

  29. 89
    sayanta

    to Betty, Jenice, Casey, and whomever-
     
    What is it that you all want to hear? Men suck and have no compassion? Do you want Evan or Karl to say that? I understand having days where you think the above- trust me, I've had them too. But to constantly harp on it on a blog and demand to know why people aren't agreeing with you goes beyond a bad day- to me, it shows signs of serious emotional issues. IMHO (which I doubt any of those posters will listen to anyway) I would recommend getting some good therapy (this means, do NOT go to a therapist who says you're great and doing nothing wrong, and it's the rest of the world that sucks). I strongly recommend this before you even think about dating.

  30. 90
    Selena

    I've found it's more difficult to convey sympathy and empathy writing on the internet than it is when talking to someone in person in my livingroom.  Though when talking to someone I know, I still offer practical suggestions, and alternative perspectives to the one they are holding in the hope it will help them. Many of us (and not just men) try to be problem solvers, not just an ear for a soul to vent upon.
    That said, if you don't like the program…why not simply change the channel?  There are thousands of places on the internet to vent, complain, and get one's point of view validated.  And ofcourse to whine.
     

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