What You Should Assume About Men

This is the third video based on the questions YOU wanted answered in my 1500 question survey. Last week, I told you that you don’t ATTRACT the wrong men, you ACCEPT the wrong men. I got a lot of really great feedback on that and hope that you’ve already made the mental adjustment to stop thinking you’re a bad man magnet and instead realize that you’ve been way too accepting of unacceptable behavior.

Today’s tip might be a little more challenging because instead of telling you to dump the bad guys, I’m going to ask you to open up to a whole new way of viewing the pursuit of love. It may be counter-intuitive, but I am confident that it will make a big difference for you. You ready?

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You Have to Assume the Best In Men, Rather Than the Worst in Men

You’ve been hurt by men before. You’ve been hurt bad. You’ve vowed to learn from the experience and protect yourself from that ever happening again.

And to protect yourself from being hurt by a man, you:

Choose not to date at all.
Try to make him earn your trust.
Pull away from a guy at the first hint of trouble.
Tell him your relationship goals on the first few dates.
Want to clarify where things are headed in the first few months.

Those are all perfectly rational. The problem is: the only thing you’re protecting yourself from is the possibility of falling in love.

Let me explain.

Look at your life. You probably work a minimum of 40 hours a week. You probably have friends and hobbies and family. You’re probably really, really, wary of men.

And because of your previous experience, you do everything in your power to prevent the “wrong men” from getting in. You’re vigilant about looking for the signs. And you find them everywhere you go. As a result, you remain single.

Think of it like a visual metaphor. You live in a house. Mr. Right is walking down the street, trying to find his Ms. Right. There’s two houses right next to each other that look identical. They’re gorgeous, modern, spacious, well-decorated, inviting. Except for one minor thing. The house on the left has a 10 foot brick wall around it. The house on the right has an open door with the smell of chocolate chip cookies wafting.
Which house do you think Mr. Right is going to peek into?
It’s kind of a no-brainer.

the only thing you’re protecting yourself from is the possibility of falling in love.

Now you can make the argument that the RIGHT man would try to figure out how to scale the 10 foot wall. You can make the argument that the REASON there’s a wall is that there’s some crime in the neighborhood and she’d been robbed twice before. You can justify that protective wall in every way possible. But it doesn’t change the bottom line.

A good man doesn’t need to break down or scale your wall. He’s just going to look for a warm, inviting, open door.

To take it even further:

  • A good man will not be able to find you if you’re working 11 hours a day.
  • A good man doesn’t need to earn your trust if he’s never done anything wrong.
  • A good man may have a number of characteristics that you might not like.
  • A good man takes relationships seriously and can’t promise that he will know after a a few months that you are destined for the altar.

So while I deeply empathize with you if you’re trying to avoid “wasting” time by trying to figure out the future before HE knows the future. Just know that you’re sabotaging any real chance you have to form a real trusting connection.

You have to go in with a clean slate, an open mind, and a clear head. At any point you have the right to determine that he’s not the one for you, and he has the right to determine that you’re not the one for him. It’s called dating.

Instead of trying to figure everything out up front to protect yourself from getting hurt, give yourself to the process and let him reveal his character.

Opening the door and assuming the best will make the good men gravitate towards you. Treat him as if he’s going to hurt you and he’s not going to want to stick around.

P.S. Even though this video is free…don’t discount the value of it. Opening up to love and being vulnerable makes you more attractive to each new man you meet. And since you will never accept less than optimal treatment from a man, you can never be blindsided again!

If you’ve enjoyed these videos, in which I tell what men are really thinking, please, put in your email address. That will put you on my priority mailing list so you’ll get first notification (and valuable free bonuses) when my new book comes out.

Signing up will also give you access to a special report I created based on YOUR survey questions, called “The 3 Biggest Illusions You Have About Men”. This is some really valuable and eye opening stuff, and it’s all yours on the next page. Just put in your email, click submit, and stay tuned for more.

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Comments:

  1. 91
    Karl R

    BeenThereDoneThat said: (#87)
    "I never got the impression that Casey was saying someone had to get past her moat, slay the dragon, scale the wall and perform other feats to indicate trustworthiness."
     
    Not precisely, but I was left with the distinct impression that she was going a bit beyond what most would see as "sensible precautions."
     
    Casey said: (#57)
    "He'd understand the world we live in can be a dangerous and horrible place, and I shouldn't be leaving myself open to all manner of predators by assuming who is and is not a good guy without knowing them (has anyone ever heard about the wolf in sheep's clothing).  He'd also understand that just because I'd experienced some of these horrible things and taken a few measures to protect myself that it's not directed at him personally…it's just good sense.  Oh, and that I am worth the effort."
     
    Using BeenThere's analogy, it sounds to me like Casey wants (expects?) the man to wait patiently outside the moat while she decides whether or not he's a wolf in sheep's clothing … however long it takes until she decides to lower the drawbridge and let him in.
     
    And based on my personal experience, that's not likely to happen.
     
    Let's change the situation around. Let's say you met a guy who was obviously insecure and socially awkward around women. He might be interested in you, but you're not sure, because he hasn't clearly expressed any interest. Would you think to yourself, "I bet there's something in his past that makes him insecure. He is interested in me, but his insecurity is preventing him from expressing it. If I patiently work my way through his insecurities, we could have a wonderful relationship. I bet he's totally worth the effort."
     
    Until I was 20 or 21, I was that insecure guy. I won't delve into the baggage that created the insecurities. However, having been on the side where I was shutting myself off from women, I did not encounter a single one who felt it was worth her effort. Do you really believe that men are that much more saintly than women?
     
    I don't blame women for not putting out that degree of effort. Insecure people don't put out "I'm interested" vibes. Similarly, when a woman puts up walls in my presence, I assume she's not interested either. No problem. I move on.
     
    There is a solution. I learned to fake confidence. I learned to fake openess. And returning to our example, the foyer of the house seems a lot more welcoming than the street in front … even if the security measures beyond the foyer are a lot more formidable than the ones leading into it.
     
    Tragically, I think Casey fuels her hope that some man will put forth that effort because she is "worth the effort." Guess what? Everyone thinks they are worth the effort. I think I'm completely worth the effort … and there are at least three women on this thread who believe I'm a cruel, insensitive monster. I'm not going to condemn Casey for having the same biased view as I do … but I don't see how her biased opinion of her own self worth is going to persuade a man that she's worth substantially more effort than the next woman.
     
    And that brings us back to Evan's original point. The good men aren't going to patiently wait outside in the cold until a woman decides to trust them.

  2. 92
    sayanta

    Re: Karl's statement…"do you think men are that much more saintly than women?"
    It's funny- reading all this about moats and guards and efforts reminded me of fairy tales- the knight crossing the moat to win the hand of the princess in the tower. The reason I bring this up is that we've all heard these fairy tales that have been passed down for 1000s of years, and I believe the stories are in our collective unconscious. So, I think a lot of women (though the degree of this varies) has the 'I'm the tower princess that the knight should be fighting for). The thing is, feminism and the rise of women to power has flipped all that on its head. I think it's time for new kinds of fairy tales, but the old ones definitely still have an impact.
    I think women who are so angry at men (and I think that was me too, for a number of years) have that 'knight/prince and princess' mentality. Not that I'm excusing it- I definitely think self-reflection and wanting to change is in order. But I think this is part of the explanation as to why someone, maybe even subconsciously, behave the way they do re: men.

  3. 93
    Laughing

    @89: What do you want to hear? That all men are great and treat women well and that when men don't that it's all the woman's fault? That sexism and sexual abuse don't happen? And that when they do that again it's all the woman's fault and she should just get over herself?

  4. 94
    Joe

    Karl makes a good point.  You don't need to show your whole hand, but you do have to show a few of your cards for someone to be interested, otherwise they'll move right along to the next person.

  5. 95
    Jenice

    @89: You're right. I shouldn't be dating, especially since I live with someone. Ha!!!
    But since you're so keen on others going to therapy, is this because your personal experience has shown it to be valuable? Or is it just a back-handed insult to people whose POV differs from yours?

  6. 96
    sayanta

    #95-
    If you see someone screaming and doubled over in pain, you call 911 or drive them to the hospital yourself. If that screaming and pain is mental, you tell them to see a therapist. Normally, I would say talk with close friends and family members, but in current American society, such things are slim pickins'
     
    And to both Jenice and "Laughing"-
    It's interesting…you're attacking me because my viewpoint differed from yours. Yet when people disagreed with you, it was okay to attack them? So, it's okay if you do it, but no one else? Is that how it works? And to make things clear, I used no name-calling or insults, so please enlighten me on how my comments are 'attacks.' I've noticed that it's people who really really need therapy who object if anyone tells them that simple fact.
     
    Evan- I'm getting more and more sympathetic with you- although there have been a few times I've disagreed with your advice- it takes a lot of guts to read attacks every day and still be determined to create a great blog. :-)

  7. 97
    Karl R

    Laughing asked: (#93)
    "What do you want to hear? That all men are great and treat women well and that when men don't that it's all the woman's fault? That sexism and sexual abuse don't happen?"
     
    There are a significant number of horrible men in the world. There are an equal number of horrible women in the world. If your sole goal in life is to avoid being in a relationship with a horrible man (or woman), that's easy … don't get into any relationships.
     
    Since this is a dating site, most people here are trying to accomplish more than that. They're trying to attract and keep good men and women. We don't need to be told that there are lousy men and women out there. Most of us figured that out before we graduated from high school. We're much more interested in the information we haven't figured out yet.
     
    This may disappoint you, but the regular readers here aren't all that interested in having a gender war. We're much more interested in fraternizing with the enemy.
     
    Laughing asked: (#93)
    "And that when they do that again it's all the woman's fault and she should just get over herself?"
     
    Nobody is saying that it's the woman's fault … but she will probably have to get over the trauma herself.
     
    Do you expect her ex-abuser to suddenly feel remorseful and try to help her heal? Do you expect the next man she's interested in to volunteer to be her therapist (an upaid and unqualified one at that)? Do you expect all the men in her community to unify and become her support group?
     
    She can either fix herself, see a therapist, join a support group or stay permanently traumatized. Those are her options.

  8. 98
    Susan

    I really like how you lay out some of the things that are bad behavior in this video.  It helps so much.  I excuse a lot of what a guy does b/c I think I’m just being picky.  It would be great if you laid out some common problematic behavior and red flags…the kinds we shouldn’t excuse away.
    Thanks.

  9. 99
    Kurt

    In my own experience, the women who expect the man to “earn his trust” are the ones who come across as cold and disinterested.  Those women are headed for trouble because a man who has anything going for him is not going to tolerate being treated poorly.  Those women also often do nothing to prove to the man that they are valuable themselves, so the men often give up and look for nicer women after only a date or maybe two.

  10. 100
    Cat5

    A very good book about red flag behaviors is “The Gift of Fear” by Gavin DeBecker.  His premise is that true fear is a gift and needs to be heeded versus unwarranted fears, and you can learn to tell the difference by using the pre-incident indicators (PINS) he sets out.  The PINS he sets out are:
     

    Forced Teaming
    Charm and Niceness
    Too Many Details
    Typecasting
    Loan Sharking
    The Unsolicited Promise, and
     Discounting the Word “No.”

     
    IMHO most people would be well served to read this book because everyone can fall prey to these tactics, and many have, whether they are women or men, dating or in a business relationship or any other type of relationship.  Personally, I have experienced a number of them upon re-entering the dating world — each time I do I run for the hills without looking back — and I don’t regret it for a moment.

  11. 101
    marymary

    Cat5 at 100
    Interesting – ironically, those are the very things that many of us find/found attractive. Especially charm, fake promises, and faux intimacy. That instant soulmate stuff can be quite dangerous, slow and steady wins the race. 

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