Why Being A Yes Person Makes Men Fall In Love

Have you ever found yourself frustrated at a man’s behavior?

Have you wished that a guy would know intuitively when to comfort you or help you solve your problems?

Have you hoped that he’d figure out when to make weekend plans for you, and when to let you take the reins?

Have you wanted a man to understand what movie you wanted to see, what food you wanted to eat, and when you just want to be left alone?

If so, you’re in great company. It’s amazing when a man is so in sync with your emotions that every button he pushes is the right one.

Except that’s not how life really works, is it?

It’s the strangest thing about relationships, isn’t it?

You can be with an amazing man, yet 50% of the time you find yourself annoyed that he just doesn’t get it.

“No, I don’t want to run errands while you watch football. I want to spend time with you!”

“No, I don’t want to sleep in on Saturday. I’ve got too many things to do!”

“No, I don’t want to visit your Mom for three days. I’d rather schedule my root canal for that weekend than to spend a weekend in her house.”

No one can argue with this. Certainly, you’re entitled to your feelings about how you spend your time.

This is the calculus of being a great partner: when in doubt, give in.

The problem arises when you are generally put your needs above your partner’s needs. Each of the above issues becomes a point of negotiation, where one party (you) has to win, and the other party (him) has to lose.

So if you end up making a big deal about each and every issue, you’re going to have a lot more friction in your life than a woman who prefers to say “Yes.”

My wife is a yes person.

She’s not a doormat, or a simpleton. She has opinions. She has feelings. She has ideas. But, at the end of the day, she fundamentally understands the concept of TEAM. That she could win every little battle so that she always gets what she wants… but the cost of it is a husband who feels consistently emasculated and second-guessed.

This is the calculus of being a great partner: when in doubt, give in.

It might sound awful. After all, you’ve spent WAY too much time giving in to unappreciative men, but I’m telling you: it works.

Don’t think so? Guess what men are taught from the first day we get married?

The only answer to any question from your wife is ‘Yes, Dear.’

It’s true. Men in successful marriages will tell you so. It’s important to keep the wife happy, because happy wife = happy life.

So instead of standing on ceremony and hoping that your man instinctively bends to all of your wishes, try adopting a default setting of “Yes.”

You’ll find that your man is incredibly appreciative at how easy it is to get along with you, which gives you more leverage when you DO choose to speak up about something IMPORTANT.

This is a central message in Why He Disappeared. You can have the most beautiful relationship, simply by flipping your switch to say yes, instead of no.

I know that this message may frustrate you. You already feel like a giver, and you feel like you’re always bending backwards to please. Why can’t HE try to please for once?

I hear you. And I’m on your side.

But first of all, you shouldn’t be in a relationship with a man who isn’t a giver. Effort is the most important quality in a man, and if he doesn’t make it, you have every right to leave to find a man who DOES give.

I’m talking about an otherwise healthy, balanced relationship, where you experience a little too much friction. And since you can’t control what your man does, you can control how he reacts to you.

That’s the beauty in saying “yes.”

Withholding your yes’s – refusing to go with the flow – means that you will be at odds every time you two disagree.

Your generosity of spirit sets a tone of giving for your relationship that most right-minded men will want to emulate.

Believe me, we’re aware when we’re being the givers or takers in a relationship, and we don’t feel comfortable running a karma deficit.

So when my wife allows me to take a weekend off from visiting her family, or peacefully accepts when I want to see an action movie, or schedule a guitar lesson during Dancing with the Stars… I am very aware that she’s being generous.

And her “yes-person” attitude pays amazing dividends down the road, like this weekend when she wants to drive 3 hours to say goodbye to her friend who is moving.

Do I want to be there? No. Do I have any reason to say no to my wife? No. She’s always thinking of ways to make me happy; the least I can do is reciprocate.

It’s like magic, really. But it’s based in something very real.

The reality is that we men get a lot of “no” in our lives. Having a partner who delights in pleasing sets the tone for your man to be the same kind of partner.

Withholding your yes’s – refusing to go with the flow – means that you will be at odds every time you two disagree.

What a miserable way to live life!

You may think you’re “winning” by putting your foot down, but actually, you’re killing your own relationship. How can your man function when he is constantly told that he’s wrong every time he disagrees with you?

It’s easy to come to the conclusion that the second you become a “yes person” is the second that your man takes advantage of your generosity and exploits it.

But I think that’s a real cynical view.

The enlightened view is that you can make every man love and appreciate you, just by saying “yes” a lot more than you say “no.”

The enlightened view is that you can make every man love and appreciate you, just by saying “yes” a lot more than you say “no.”

So, the next time you’re out with a man, try saying “yes” to whatever he suggests (within reason, of course!).

I am confident that he’ll be delighted at how much fun you are, and instantly want to make plans to see you again.

That’s how you BOTH win in the game of love.

It costs you nothing and is highly effective in getting the results you want: the devotion of a good man.

To learn more about how to make men want to commit to you, check out the last section of Why He Disappeared, which details what causes men to flee from relationships.

You may have the best intentions, but if you don’t understand what he’s thinking, it’s impossible to turn things around.

There are plenty of good men out there. Being a yes-person is the best way to make sure that they stick around.

And since most men are used to being with women who say “no,” I promise you will be a very refreshing change of pace for any new man.

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Comments:

  1. 1
    Honey

    This has long been my philosophy!

  2. 2
    Katarina Phang

    My husband often said: Pick your battles.  And he hated so much being questioned.  I was the sort who liked to know all the data, background infos -and the whys- before making a decision or agreeing to something.  He wanted me to just trust him.  He felt emasculated that I would question him.
     
    I learned a lot about the alpha male species from him.
     
    As the saying goes: you can either be right or be married (happy).

  3. 3
    cindym7878

    I think this is great advice for living, period!!  I am a very happy person who goes with the flow of life/change and relationships. I pick and choose my battles.  People avoid complainers and enjoy being around those who are pleasant.  Lighten up and enjoy more!!  If your mate wants you to spend a few days with their family…..so what!!  it’s a few days!!!  It’s not the end of the world and you will be appreciated for doing it. Learn to be considerate their feelings!  People have gotten so into the mode of me! me! me!  Get over it and be happy!!  Life is short!!

  4. 4
    JerseyGirl

    Most women are more willing to “not get their way” then men are. They are usually more giving and self sacrficing. This concept holds true for women AND men. Even for kids where you have to know how to pick your battles with them too.

  5. 5
    Tish

    I absolutely agree!  I decided a while back after many failed relationships, that maybe it’s better to go with the flow.  Needless to say that even the men who have left try very hard to come back when they realize how easygoing I am and how happy they were with me.  One ex-boyfriend left me for another woman who he later called a b*@% because she was mean to him.  He apologized to me for the way he treated me.  I accepted his apology but didn’t take him back.  He tried for 5 years to win me back, asking if we could start over.  I wasn’t interested in him anymore after the pain he had caused me, but I realized that saying yes and being pleasant will always make me stand out from the crowd, whether or not the other party chooses to accept (or reject) my kindness.  Thanks Evan!

  6. 6
    Annie

    @#2

    I’m the same, I just like to know all the details and I ask all the questions without thinking.  I think I get that from my mother..lol!!

    However, I’ve come across guys that want to be “trusted” and make all the decisions. They aren’t happy if you question their decisions, but if you aren’t happy and don’t speak up, they turn around and tell you to speak up because they can’t read your mind. That’s just confusing.

  7. 7
    Gem

    I’m all for going with the flow and not being rigid. I agree that men love an easy going, “Sure, that’s cool” kind of gal most of the time.

    But balance is key. Evan said his wife has opinions, ideas and thoughts and she isn’t afraid to state them. If she was “Yes” all the time, she’d be boring. A little unpredictable and contrary sometimes goes a long way or you’re a doormat. 

  8. 8
    Steve

    Speaking as one guy,  an argumentative woman doesn’t make me feel like less of a man (“emasculated”).   It is a PITA to be around such people, so I try to keep them out of my life.

  9. 9
    AS

    I agree that ‘YES’ does make for a happier life – when their is mutual respect and consideration both ways. Also verbally expressing ‘thanks and gratitude’ when your partner does do something nice for you, ensures a higher likelihood that they will do it again.

  10. 10
    NN

    I don’t like saying No.. (I get to boss enough at work.. Nor do I see any reason to behave like a prison guard to a man). but the fact is.. men very seldom suggest anything. I would say yes, if they just would stop being effeminate wussies and behave proactively and suggest things.
     
    But I have heard (from girlfriends) that I have bigger balls than most men – I guess that is why (even at the moment) I’m flying solo and backpacking alone in Asia.
     

  11. 11
    Goldie

    I’m not sure why women even need to be told all this. We’re already conditioned to be nice and say yes to people. This is how little girls are generally raised. It’s the boys that are taught to be assertive and competitive. When one side, that is already saying YES most of the time, is told to say YES even more, this IMO creates an unhealthy dynamic in the family.
     
    This:
     
    You’ll find that your man is incredibly appreciative at how easy it is to get along with you, which gives you more leverage when you DO choose to speak up about something IMPORTANT.
     
    does not happen with most guys. It works with Evan because he’s so sensitive, empathetic and all around awesome :) With most men I know, if a woman speaks up about something important after years of agreeing to everything, she will not have more leverage. Instead, the man will be shocked and confused, and logically so. He’s been having it his way all this time, and all of a sudden she speaks up? What happened? He’ll just shrug, wonder if she’s on her period, and go complain to his friends about how unpredictable women are.
     
    What happened to meeting each other halfway? Isn’t that the concept of a TEAM? (Which, BTW, I completely support – I am all for teamwork in a relationship!)
     
    FTR, I am pretty agreeable myself. Every man I’ve been with has told me I’m very easy to be with, in these exact words. Then they walked all over me, no matter how much I tried to speak up. With my ex it was the worst. I was young and eager to please. Then one day, I found out that the only way to get what I want was to do it behind his back. And I’m not talking action movies, I’m talking important stuff. The man still doesn’t know one of his kids has been on ADHD meds for two years. First I was afraid to tell him, then we separated and it was no longer relevant. Maybe he’ll read about it here and finally find out :) Looking back, we had a pretty ridiculous marriage.
     
    It’s got to be both ways. If you can’t get it to work both ways, then the two of you aren’t a good fit and shouldn’t be together.

  12. 12
    Honey

    I will say after reading some of these comments (and I think Goldie’s #11 is dead on) that many times guys don’t even realize you’re compromising unless you tell them…which kind of defeats the point because then it’s obvious you’re keeping score.

  13. 13
    Ruby

    Goldie #11
     
    “I’m not sure why women even need to be told all this. We’re already conditioned to be nice and say yes to people. This is how little girls are generally raised. It’s the boys that are taught to be assertive and competitive. When one side, that is already saying YES most of the time, is told to say YES even more, this IMO creates an unhealthy dynamic in the family.”

    I’m in complete agreement. I knew there was something bothering me about this post, and you’ve articulated it well. It’s one thing to be agreeable and “go with the flow”, but I think oftentimes women have more of a problem saying NO than saying yes. It’s just as important that the men we date are flexible and easy to be with as well.

  14. 14
    Diana

    To Goldie #11, your comment about her period is so true for so many men. It made me chuckle. :)
     
    The comment of Evan’s that you mention also caught my attention because of the wording, “incredibly appreciative.” This is written by a wonderful man who is truly that way, in part, because it’s his nature, and it sounds like he met some not so nice women. How appreciative a guy may nor may not be, of course, depends on the guy. I know plenty of men that would “not” be appreciative because they’d expect her to be accommodating to the point of breaking. And some men are terrible about expressing or showing their appreciation, even when they feel that way. It’s kind of like they need to have a “V8″ moment or something.
     
    Evan is writing from the view that you’re already with a good guy, and hopefully, that’s the case. If not, see the other articles here. :)

  15. 15
    Sherell

    I think you need to be real.  And when you do go along or say YES, its is important for it to be a  known fact.  Say I agree to spend long amounts of time or go on  a trip with my ML that may be difficult.  He should know and you should say something to the effect of ” OK I will go knowing it means alot ot you, but you know your Mother always gives me a hard time” . It is appreciated more this way.  The mistake women may make is never letting the guy know.

  16. 16
    Steve

    Sherell, I think you need to be real.  And when you do go along or say YES, its is important for it to be a  known fact.

    That isn’t saying “YES”, that is saying “FINE!”

  17. 17
    Jackie

    I don’t think Evan means for women to say “yes” to a point where they feel resentful.  That is giving out of an empty place and doesn’t benefit the relationship.  Here’s my strategy — I always try to say yes to everything but if it’s something I am not excited about, I figure out a way to turn it into something that would make me happy.  Examples:  He: I would like to go visit my mom for a few days.  Me:  Great, sounds fun.  Would you mind if we stayed nearby at a B&B so we could have some romantic time, too?  Or:  Do you think while we’re there your Aunt Josie would teach me how to make her fabulous peach pie? It takes some thought but we can take care of our needs while still being accomodating in most cases.  If I can’t figure out a way to lenjoy it, then I go for the nice no.  Ex: Hey, it’s great that you want to visit your mom. I think I’ll stay here and have some alone time.  I’ve been really needing it.

  18. 18
    Karl R

    Goldie asked: (#11)
    “What happened to meeting each other halfway?”

    If both of you are contributing equally, both of you will feel that you’re putting more in than your partner.

    I know everything that I contribute to my relationship. I know which “little things” actually are big sacrifices for me.

    I don’t have that degree of insight into what my girlfriend does, or  what things she considers to be a sacrifice. How could I possibly determine where “halfway” is, when I accurately measure one half, and most likely undercount the other half?

    Honey said: (#12)
    “many times guys don’t even realize you’re compromising unless you tell them…which kind of defeats the point because then it’s obvious you’re keeping score.”

    I really don’t understand what you’re trying to say. What is the “point” that you think is being defeated?

    To me, compromise serves two purposes. First, it helps the relationship run more smoothly. Second, it ensures that neither person is constantly giving in to the other person.

    If you let someone know that you’ve done something for them, it serves the second purpose. And it certainly doesn’t sound like I’m keeping score when I do it. Probably because I’m not keeping score.

  19. 19
    Nancy

    Evan-
    Your advice sounds simple and obvious and perhaps many of us do miss the mark in this area, but there is something you have to consider. There are many men out there on dating sites who have narcissistic and borderline personality disorders, I know- I’ve been in relationships with these creeps! If you want to be in a relationship with these afflicted men you have to become a Yes Woman or a variation on a Stepford wife and even then it won’t be enough! Why don’t you address these disorders, the red flags, and advice woman how to avoid abusive relationships? It is very likely that many of your devoted blog readers are in relationships with or are embarking on relationships with men who are pathologically incapable of giving love and the scary part is that these men present as the ideal boyfriends in the beginning in order to attain narcissistic supply, then you begin a journey of abuse, confusion and sadness. The only way to exist in these relationships is by becoming a Yes-Woman and by doing so you are complicit with their behavior!Please speak about this important subject, I wasted 25 years being married to a narcissist and just broke off a relationship with a borderline man.

    1. 19.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      Simply put, Nancy:

      Who is to blame for you spending 25 years with a narcissist who couldn’t take “yes” for an answer?

      You.

      If you’re with a man who is “pathologically incapable of giving love”, I’d think you should realize this before you hit the altar and break up with him. No advice. No tricks. No technique.

      Dump him.

  20. 20
    Goldie

    @ Karl #18:
     
    “I don’t have that degree of insight into what my girlfriend does, or  what things she considers to be a sacrifice. How could I possibly determine where “halfway” is, when I accurately measure one half, and most likely undercount the other half?”
     
    By “meeting each other halfway”, I mean “working out a solution that is acceptable for both sides”, not “each person giving 50.00%” – that would be just silly and counterproductive. I meant that, in a relationship that is ideal for me, rather than saying “yes” (or “no”, for that matter) to everything my partner throws at me, I should be able to say: “this won’t work very well for me because of X. How about we do Y or Z instead?” and my partner would be able to discuss it so we can work out a compromise *together*, or give me convincing enough arguments so I can see things his way. And he should be able to do the same.
     
    Otherwise, like someone above said, it’s not going to be a “YES”. It’s going to be a “WHATEVER”. Not a good foundation for a relationship.

  21. 21
    Ruby

    I once read in a relationship book by Tracy Cabot that in an equal partnership, one person gets to be the boss 25% of the time, the other gets to be the boss 25% of the time, and the other 50% of the time, nobody is boss because you both end up compromising. Well, at least it’s supposed to work that way!

  22. 22
    starthrower68

    @ Nancy #19,

    I understand the spirit of your post, but if you’re determined to try to ride out a relationship with a narcissist, you probably need to go to a professional counselor for that.  I’ve dealt with a few of these; since these types don’t believe they have a problem, there’s no living with them.  It’s not even productive to try.  For a narcissist to stop being a narcissist, he or she has to suffer some sort of event that pretty much shakes their foundation and their unrealistic view of themselves.  That’s a lot more drama than any of us probably want to deal with. 

  23. 23
    Jadafisk

    See, I have a problem. I am the fun sexy girl that doesn’t sweat the small stuff, who accepts the guy for who he is and embraces new and unconventional experiences. But then he (this has happened more than once) decides that who he was when he met me is not who he wants to be anymore*, so he changes his life drastically, then “transcends” me. I can’t tell if I’m the 12th step or the “rock bottom” that precedes joining the program. I also assume that they may also change their self-professed feelings about comittment and follow that up by embarking on a search for someone that they’d ideally prefer to commit to and becoming a more stereotypically acceptable candidate for comittment themselves.

    *I date my age peers, and I understand that the mid twenties is a time of tumult, transition and discovery for many people… I’m just wondering why the journey seems to necessitate divergence in my case..

  24. 24
    nell

    I ve tried more than once to be a “yes” woman, and with my boyfriend it does work i must say, i start seeing new aspects of his personality he becomes more assertive, suggests more things ecc. also saying “yes” is a bit like opening up for the relationship, i think. it makes place for some extra connection. BUT then… after a while this “yes”, or just a neutral approach, like, “yes, be the man, guide me through life, i m your little princess” kind of attitude, feels like my personal power of character that i have inside is just piling up while i fake to be nice and vunerable for the sake of femininity. can’t we just accept that women today are not necessarily submissive and without initiative, like they were once expected to be? not all of us are like that. can men accept that? most of the time i just feel like i m in between like one historical phase is over for the women but the transformation is not over yet, so we don’t know what to do or how to be our strong assertive successful self without scaring away or disgusting men?

  25. 25
    Christa

    I can understand both sides of these comments. Speaking in generalities, I think woman today either enjoy creating drama and conflict or are so accustomed to it that they don’t understand when it happens. 

    If it isn’t a big deal, say ‘yes.’ Life is so much more enjoyable when you can easily go with the flow instead of trying to re-direct it every step of the way. 

    However, this post did make me uncomfortable, but for a different reason. In the interest of full disclosure, I should explain that I was married for 17 years and said “yes” 90% of the time. Growing up with an alcoholic father I learned never to stand up to a male adult.

    Similar to Goldie’s situation, my ex’s contribution to our marriage was a paycheck. He never cooked, never shopped for groceries, never did the wash. I handled all aspects of our lives (kids, money, taxes, home remodeling, etc). He never met our pediatrician or signed a tax return until after our divorce. Anytime I wanted him to help out, I felt like I was inconveniencing him. He also had a temper so I always backed down quickly.

    Would you believe that in 17 years of marriage, he never once took me out for my birthday or cooked me dinner? However, I allowed all of this to happen. It took me many years to work through my own issues and realize that I wasn’t lucky to be married to him. That, in fact, the relationship was emotionally toxic for me.

    So, does this mean that Evan’s advice is wrong? No. It means that I’ve grown enough in my own confidence to know where to draw the line. I understand and agree that saying ‘yes’ when it’s no big deal is almost always the best response. There are exceptions to this rule, but that’s not what this post is referencing. In a normal, healthy relationship, this advice is golden. And I believe the advice should be applied equal to both parties: male and female.

  26. 26
    judy

    I agree with Evan actually.  When you’re in a relationship and you can say yes most of the time, that’s really great, particularly when it’s reciprocated, and particularly, when he knows that you’re making a sacrifice.
    Then a real “No” heartfelt, even at work, will be heard very loudly.
    Generally, I say yes to most things.  When I refuse, like I said, the “No” is heard at higher volume than if you had shouted it.

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