Why Would a Guy Keep in Touch After He Already Dumped Me?

Hi Evan,

I’ve been dating an amazing guy who’s only just recently become “too busy” for a relationship. I know that is really just code for him losing interest and that’s okay… Disappointing indeed, but okay.  Oddly though, he suggested that we have another conversation in a week’s time to see where things are at. Shortly after our breakup tonight, he sent me a text message saying he was sorry and that he’d really like to keep in touch. I told him I was open to that but that he’d have to take that step.

Evan, I’m OK with him not wanting to date me. To be honest, he is such an amazing guy (opposite of the loser musicians and wannabe actor types that I usually end up with) that I often wondered why he was dating me in the first place. But that’s obviously another issue. Why would he bother texting afterward or bother suggesting that we have another conversation about things in a week? I don’t get it. Why wouldn’t he just walk away after doing the dumping?

Just Dumped

Have you ever dumped someone, JD? It’s a horrible, horrible feeling, right up there with, well, being dumped. And this feeling, if you can imagine it, provides the full explanation for why people act inconsistent.

Step outside your own shoes and put yourself in your partner’s shoes.

As always, the best solution to being your own dating coach is to step outside your own shoes and put yourself in your partner’s shoes. Why would he possibly do what he did? There has to be some rationale. I’m just going to channel him right now and see what I can come up with:

“Well, I really like hanging out with JD, but I get the sense that she’s starting to get attached to me. And since I’m such an amazing guy, and I’m at a particularly busy time in my life, why would I want to tie myself down to just one person? Plus, the longer I continue to see her, the more I’m going to end up breaking her heart in the end. And I hate that feeling. I once dated this girl who strung me along for months and crushed my spirit, and I don’t want to do the same thing to JD. So I’m going to break up with her. Yeah. That’s the right thing to do.

Why do guys keep in touch after a break up?

Mostly because you let us.

On the other hand, it’s not like I ever promised to marry her or anything. I mean, she already knows I’m not fully committed. So maybe after I dump her, we’ll just stay in touch. Maybe do the occasional ‘friends with benefits’ thing. That way, I’m not technically hurting her. We have sex from time to time, I don’t have to commit, and I’m allowed to see other people. Perfect! If she lets me get away with it, she can’t get mad at me for being a creep. In fact, I think she likes me so much, she’ll just be glad to see me once every few weeks. I’m gonna send a text message to her and see how she feels…”

But that’s just my perspective as a 35-year-old single guy who has done the same exact thing. Why do we keep in touch with you after we break up? Mostly because you let us.

Readers? What do you think?

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Comments:

  1. 61
    Elrena

    Does this apply if the guy had to leave the country?

    I met this guy 3 weeks before he left the country I am in. We clicked well despite of the huge gap in our cultures, lifestyle and environments. He wanted to keep in touch and said that without any doubt we would have been together if we were in the same country. When he left, we both cried. Both of us have to deal with certain things on our own at the moment and we are not interested in having a long-distance relationship. He did make efforts to keep in touch, letters and messages, almost weekly – it’s been only 1 month since he left. Have I fallen in the same situation? that I’ve become a backup – a possible vacation good-time partner?

    I did let him, as Evan said. I wonder if I should keep letting this way. I’d love to have your views on this.

  2. 62
    just plain confused

    Hi, I came across this thread seaching for my own answers to a similar dilemna. Here is the short version, if possible. I met this guy on an internet dating site. He persued me, I gave him a chance. We met, “dated” for six weeks. We held hands, kissed and hugged….NOTHING MORE!!! We would tease each other about sex, but we both wanted to get to know each other better before we went to the next step. Well much to my chagrin, one day out of the blue….I get a phone call. Basically he says this…”My ex gf says she is possibly carrying my baby. I didn’t mean to hurt you. I would like it if we just put “us” on hold until the baby is born.” He tells me this over the phone!!! I was thinking WTF???? Sad part was, the night before, I came to the conclusion that I was falling in love with him. I hadn’t felt like this about one person in a VERY long time….and then…..WHOOSH….the rug pulled from under my feet. Being that he told me all of this over the phone, I felt that it was really hard to tell if he was lying to me….so we met up a few days later to “discuss” the impending situation. As I read his body language, he was still telling me he was interested. I said to him, just cause she may or may not be carrying your child doesn’t mean “we” have to end. He said that is what makes this even harder for him. He says that I am a beautiful person inside and out. He would love to persue a future with me, but right now, is not the time. So….we agreed to be “just friends.” Ok so now we are friends….he calls me everday, calls me little pet names, and still talks with me like we are a couple!!! How is that supposed to feel. I wrote him a letter telling him how I felt, and stating I need some time away from him. It would be the best for both of us. I even gave him my blessing if he should chose to get back with her. Did I mention that she had dumped him to get back with her ex? When I first heard what he had told me I was thinking…wow….and I thought Jerry Springer was made up!!!! He said he wants to “spare” me from his drama in his life and gives me the greenlight to “date” other men. Well it’s been two weeks since then, I have been talking to a few other men, but I still feel an allegience to him. I know that if I tell him that I am dating some one, he would be upset. I truly care about him, and he says the same, but still I have doubts about him. When he calls me, we just shoot the shet, normal small talk, have a good day and stuff like that. Sometimes we even share past stories in our lives just like we had before we were in the friends zone.

    If he has let me go, why continue to talk to me if he really didn’t care? Do I boost his ego so much that he has me here to feel better about himself?

    I have talked it over with my girlfriends and some have mixed feelings. Only one of my friends tells me to just drop him and run.

    I am not that type of person to sit and judge someone for something that has happened prior to meeting me. They had broken up 2 months before I came into the picture. Now she is 4 months pregnant. She refuses to get any inutero dna testing, she wants to wait until the baby is born. She swears it is his baby, and when she got back with her ex, she ALWAYS made him wear a condom and there is NO WAY it could be his….hmmmm condoms break…but what ever!!!

    So this is my quandry. Do I date the men that are persuing me, and go through the motions (and wishing I was with him) while I am still hung up on this other man or do I just say…I AM FREE, come and get me and forget all about the other guy? It is so hard for me to tell my heart to stop feeling for him!!!!

    I have discussed this with one man, unfortunately I can’t really rely on his opinion because he would like to persue a furture with me. But to sum it up, he says that this man is just making excuses and is holding on to me “just in case” and that I should persue someone else who can be there for me in every way.

    Please advise.

    Just plain confused!!!!

  3. 63
    Li-Ann

    You sound like a wonderful person and I am so sorry this has happened to you.

    Please re-read what Evan wrote and all the earlier posts.

    You wrote: “He said he wants to spare me from his drama in his life and gives me the greenlight to date other men. ”

    At least he was honest enough to say that. Some men want to see other women, but hold you as a back-up. However, unfortunately, that tells a lot. No guy who was deeply in love with someone would greenlight them to date other men. A guy who was in love would worry that he could lose you forever.

    Also, you said that you could be there for him after the baby was born, wait for him and be ready to restart the relationship when he feels ready. Here you have offered him an incredible deal and what sounds like a good option to deal with his new situation. You are willing to wait for him. Again, I think a guy that was seriously interested, would take that deal. He’d do anything just to know he could have you. I can’t know what is really happening, and I hope I’m wrong about this, but maybe he has some unresolved feelings for this woman.

    Please re-read the other posts. I know what you are going through, and I remember how hard it was to hear the same thing from a man “you are so beautiful, you are a wonderful person…” Despite the fact that his speech sounded so lovely, if you sum it all up, what would happen next is that I’d cry, and then I’d never hear from the guy again who was afraid of my reaction. Had I been sweet and nice and totally understanding like you were, I’m sure the same guy would feel comfortable calling me later on to chat about their life, new girlfriends, and generally keeping me as a back up. Since you have been so friendly and understanding, he feels comfortable to keep in touch.

    I still hope it turns out well for you, but please don’t underestimate the natural desire of men (and women) to hold on to someone as a backup.

  4. 64
    Selena

    Just Plain Confused,
    I think he’s trying to do you a kindness by not getting romantically involved with you at this time. He and his ex may have unresolved feelings for each other they will be working out during the pregnancy and after the baby is here. Bear in mind, they were broken up for ONLY 2 mos. when you entered the picture. They may try reconcilling for the sake of a baby on the way. Do you even know if she wants him back? He may not want to do anything to jeopardize being in his child’s life, if it is indeed his.

    I know you have developed strong feelings for him and it hurts to be put on hold, but think how much MORE hurt you would be if he became romantically involved with you, only to later decide his place was with her and the baby. He’s right, the timing here is just bad. And I suspect if you were dating him, you would spend the next year feeling insecure because of this situation.

    If it’s painful for you to be “just friends” with him, break that off. Tell him to contact you at some point after the baby is born if and when he is free for another relationship. Go on about your life, have fun with your friends. You don’t have to rush right out and find a boyfriend, nothing wrong with being single, meeting people, and letting whatever happens, happen. Trying to ‘force’ anything almost always backfires.

  5. 65
    Illinois Girl

    Dear Just Plain Confused,

    I would definitely move on. That is just me but I would not hang on to any hope at all for this relationship.

    This guy needs to figure out what he is doing, and if he is going to be a father to his baby. This is going to take time.

    Meanwhile, he is telling you to move on, so I would do it.

  6. 66
    Hot Alpha Female

    You know what i reckon hes thinking?

    Basically he wants to have his cake and eat it too …

    Still remain in contact with you, maybe hang out with you .. yet not have to have all the problems of an actual relationship

    He’s scared about commitment. He doesn’t know what he wants. Hes an idiot, plain and simple. A confused one. Maybe more than you.

    While he may be all these things, at some point we also have to take accountability for our own actions too.

    Your need to be able to reflect on what happened and ask yourself if there was anything that YOU did that would have prompted him to get scared.

    Men can be quite tentative when it comes to starting relationships and if they hear any signs that you are more into them they they are you .. well they go running .. and they go running fast!

    So while i think that you should ditch this guy and find someone better, i would also ask yourself is there is anything that you could have learned from the experience to see that you don’t make any of the same mistakes in the future.

    Hot Alpha Female

    http://www.hotalphafemale.blogspot.com

  7. 67
    just plain confused

    Hello everyone!

    Thank you for your honesty and englightenment. I really appreciate it :D

    However, last night was amazing!!!! Not only did I have one date, I had two! Talk about a waterfall of men…hahahhahah The first date I had last night was ok. But….when I was driving home from that one, a man that I had really wanted to see called me up and we met for a drink. It was the first time I actually met him in person. I met him from the same dating website. He had persued me back in November, he had gotten a new job that prevented him from actually getting to see me. But we still kept in touch here and there. When we were there talking, it seemed as if we were old friends and that time wasn’t even a factor. We felt extremely comfortable in each other’s company!!! The whole time I was talking to him, I had completely forgotten the other dude I originally wrote about. NO GUILT FEELINGS EITHER!!!! It’s not that I forgot about, I will call him Tony, it’s just that it was time for me to move on! For what ever agenda or reason he has to keep me on the back burner so to speak is for his reasons only. I will probably never know, and at this point, nor do I care anymore!

    I think Tony is more concerned if I don’t want him in MY life. So for the time being, I will keep a low profile. Not return his calls when he beckons for me and so on. Plus I will be too busy with my new friend to be concerned.

    I am not a cold hearted person, I just would like to be with some one who isn’t indecisive. If you want to be with me, and I want to be with you…then there you have it! No reason to beat around the bush and keep teasing someone for your own benefit.

    To all the other people that have and may experience this similar situation………DON’T SETTLE!!!!! Life IS entirely too short and to be miserable about what could have been is even worse! Just pick yourself up, dust off, and get back into the swing of things. Good things are out ther for you…….Only if you are out there to greet them!

    GOOD LUCK TO ALL!

    just plain confused……NOT ANYMORE!!!!

  8. 68
    starthrower

    Girls-take-your-power-back!

    If-a-guys-ends-it-then-it’s-done….take-authority-over-that-situation-and-get-free-of-it….if-he-has-an-epiphany-and-comes-running-back-to-you-make-him-work-for-it.

  9. 69
    SpeakTruth

    Starthrower i totally totally agree!!! We need to start taking back our own control instead of handing it over to the guys on a silver platter.
    Give them the challenge!!!

  10. 70
    starthrower

    I’m-honestly-not-anti-male-or-a-who-needs-a-man-type….but-we-teach-others-how-to-treat-us-and-others-will-usually-take-the-path-of-least-resistance-if-we-let-them.

    For-example-I-have-had-a-guy-who-drifted-in-and-out-and-he-disappeared-again….I-will-not-go-chasing-after-him….either-he-will-get-serious-or-he-won’t-and-someone-will-come-along-who-will….meanwhile-I-have-a-full-and-happy-life-so-a-guy-is-icing-on-the-cake.

    Is-it-true-men-have-options…sure-they-do…but-women-have-them-too!

  11. 71
    Another Confused Gal

    Dear all, I have read most of the posts here with changing moods from post to post, maybe a sign that I myself am still pretty much struggling to ditch the guy or still hold on to the hope.
    Well, the thing is I’m doing a postgrad program which requires me to be in 2 foreign countries for the whole period of 3 semesters. I met a very shy foreign (local) guy last semester (1st) who lived on the same floor sharing the same kitchen in the dorm and we talked, started to hang out, flirted and finally dated. One night after the whole day together he confessed his feelings for me and I did for him. We went to his room, talking about our feelings and made out. We agreed to be official and he promised me to make this work. The next morning he suddenly became solemn and said he needed time. Apparently he was too hurt from his ex cheating on him and was afraid to move on with another commitment. I got so angry with him that I refused to talk to him for a few days. After a lot of crying, I realised later that he wasn’t at all the deceiving type and that he was very hurt as well (he even cried with my best friend who also lived on the same floor). I started to talk to him, discussed things and decided we would try to avoid each other (since living together made everything harder) and became strictly corridormates until he really got over his ex and got out of his long depression. But very often I caught him staring at me (and looked away when I caught him) and listened to every word I said to other corridormates (I know because he remembered everything I said). Sometimes we talked as friends (deep but still awkward friends). He treated me differently from other corridormates (sometimes super nice sometimes making it obvious in avoiding me) and opened up to me even though I didn’t even ask (He’s a workaholic who doesn’t have much social life and a very reserved person which also means he didn’t see anyone either). I was tormented with this mess for the rest of the semester. The day I had to leave for 2nd semester in another country he asked me when I would be back (for the last semester…but didn’t mention the future). We said goodbye awkwardly. Then, realising it might be my last chance, I asked him to kiss me, he did, very long and passionately. After settling in a new country for 2 weeks, I emailed him in a friendly (but still deep and awkward) way. He expressed surprise at first. We keep contacting by email ever since (mostly about our feelings with life…not with each other)…until last month he told me that he went out clubbing (which he never did) and felt happy for no reason for the first time and just thought I should know that. We started getting more comfy with each other as he opened up more. Until just a week ago I confessed my feelings for him IN THE PAST and told him that I’m now perfectly happy with our friendship. He wrote back saying that his friends convinced him to try internet dating and so far he got one date (which didn’t work out) but was happy that the date symbolised his complete breakaway from his ex. He said that it was fun meeting new people, but as for relationships, he agreed with me that it has to be truly meaningful with a few special people one rarely finds in life, and he said he also considered me (using present tense) that I’m one of the special people. What should I do?

  12. 72
    LF

    Thanks for this website! Venturing out dating 10 yrs after my divorce, two months ago I succumbed to the chox and valentine’s card and invitation for coffee from a guy at work, 17yrs younger. He’d been leaving them on my desk off and on for a couple years. Yes, I am vulnerable but I’m also human. After a couple nice dates I asked him where he saw the relationship going. He kept giving me huge hugs and my feelings for him were all over the place. (He’s leaving for Iraq in a couple months). So, we became intimate and looking back, that’s where Mr Charming left and Mr Horny FWB arrived. I haven’t thought a sane logical thought since early March, due to fabulous sex.

    Anyhow, I became more and more annoyed and suspicious of his cellphone. He was constantly checking it and he was careful I could never hear his conversations. Our relationship ended last week when had a big fight. I called to apologize, and he said not to worry he wasn’t mad. We made a date for the following day but he never showed. I left a message on his phone to say call me if he wanted to go out. I haven’t heard from him since – dissappeared.

    I developed some surprisingly powerful feelings for this jerk. I am slowly regaining my marbles, and in between those steamy flashbacks I wonder what on earth kept me with this guy. I don’t know now what to believe of the guff he told me, and what was rubbish.

    I’d love to hear your views….

  13. 73
    Adventurer

    Okay, let’s start out by celebrating that we love too much, too deeply, too authentically and that we are able to invest the very best of ourselves (repeatedly in some cases) while we are in relationships with individuals that don’t deserve it. I think that we should all be commended for that. However, when all of that love and energy isn’t being reciprocated or respected and the red flags start going up, it becomes a case of co-dependency and results in very unhealthy behavior.

    It’s at that time that we need to take a HUGE step away and nurture ourselves. To become centered, self-focused (not self-centered) and practice bending all of that terrific energy we have been spilling in all the wrong directions and wrong people back onto ourselves.

    People who “love you” do not treat you unkindly. People who care about you do not intentionally bring chaos into your life. More importantly, you do NOT let them do this to you because you care more for yourself than they expect! Yes, we do “teach people how to treat us.” We set boundaries around that wonderful love we have to offer, and we share it with only those individuals who respect and cherish it.

    Let’s face it, we’re all going to make mistakes. I am as guilty as the next person when it comes to fabricating illusion out of reality, but geez, if we don’t act differently in the future as a result of all of the pain and heartache, that’s the deepest sort of self wounding. Sure, there’s that one in a million chance that s/he will change the second time around, but the deck is already stacked against you – back away from the inhumane game! Find a fresh start that’s healthier than the last one and begin anew with higher expectations of yourself, the relationship and – gasp – the next person you are going to invest remarkable you into.

    Who cares about all of these flakes/losers/cheats/users/whatevers that dump us with little or warning. I really like the previous posters’ observation that every moment we spend thinking about them is waste time that we could be investing into ourselves or finding someone who does deserve our attentions and love.

  14. 74
    hunter

    to adventurer,

    To sum up, try not to bare your soul…..LOL!

  15. 75
    pericles

    In this past month, I had to write an email to someone who wanted out of the relationship last September (of ’07) but kept emailing me on and off for awhile afterwards. Then, just last month, he posted to a thread on the forum where he and I met, indicating in his post that he was still emotionally invested in our relationship. I hadn’t heard from him in 4 months at the point when I discovered this post. After being very upset about this for about 2 weeks, and thinking it all through, I sent him a response that said either come back and let’s put this back together again, or have the decency to leave me alone completely to get over him. I haven’t heard back from him, and I doubt I will. I think the open-door policy after a bad breakup is a self-destructive idea. What I should have done was not respond to any of his early emails, but I was so in love at that point, I couldn’t say no. I now realise that was a mistake, and I wish I’d had the strength to avoid him completely. By answering any of his early emails back in September and October, I was giving my own power away. One of the things I have learned is that the confusion the other person has can only be sorted out by them. As others who have posted here have said, very wisely, there are breaks that are necessary in every difficult situation, and some of those breaks lead back to the relationship, and some don’t. How to tell the difference? It’s not that hard, actually. It all comes down to their behavior. The poster who said that men aren’t that complicated is completely accurate; they aren’t. When they back away, that’s your cue to also back off, and go live your life (which you should have been living the whole time anyway) and not give them anything they’re not giving you. The key is detachment. That’s the hard part, when you’re madly in love, but their commitment is lacking or limited by their own inabilities to love equally. And try to remember, they (usually) came into the relationship with those problems; you didn’t create them, and they will bring those problems with them into every relationship they enter. You’re only responsible for your part of what went wrong, not theirs.

  16. 76
    Alice

    Hi All,

    Thanks for everyone who responded to the above relationship problems, i have really enjoyed the whole stuff and its a joy to learn that there are people outside going through the same problems i am going through and they are willing to help!

    I have just broken up with my bf and was wondering what to do next. But after reading all your knowledgeable advice, I have learned to let go, stop calling my bf and walk with my head high because i got my whole life a head of me to lead. Thanks, keep it up!!!!

    CHEERS

  17. 77
    pericles

    Evan asked the question, have you ever dumped someone… and the answer is, yes, I have. And when I have dumped someone, I do not go back. I do not contact him, call him, email or text him. I figure, it’s over, and the reason I dumped him is because it wasn’t working out and it was never going to work out, and it was clear for both of us to see. Which is why it will always baffle me that people go back to someone they have dumped. If you weren’t sure of what you were doing, why take such a drastic step? Pure silliness. Understandable, but still badly thought out.

  18. 78
    Terry

    Thank you to everyone for sharing their experiences on the subject. I am going to start living my life again. I was just dumped by a man that I fell in love with. As he dumped me, he told me he has no feelings for me and never did. He wants to remain friends, but after reading these posts, I know I do not want to see him or hear from him ever again. I am now going to move on. Life is too short to dwell on negative experiences. Gd helped me to see that this man was not for me.

  19. 79
    pericles

    The more time has gone by, the more I’ve thought that the reason someone would try to stay in touch with you has to do at least partially with a combined feeling of guilt, but also, they’re just not sure they’re making the right decision. They want to keep their options open. If you’re okay with the guy doing this, then fine. But I know for me that someone doing that feels like they’re using you, and in the beginning of any relationship, although I would like to be the kind of person who is totally understanding of all foibles, I am inclined to move on and find someone who is more sure of what they want. If it’s not me, their lack of interest and passion is more than evident, and it’s time for me to find someone else.

  20. 80
    JerseyGirl

    That way, I’m not technically hurting her. We have sex from time to time, I don’t have to commit, and I’m allowed to see other people. Perfect! If she lets me get away with it, she can’t get mad at me for being a creep. In fact, I think she likes me so much, she’ll just be glad to see me once every few weeks. I’m gonna send a text message to her and see how she feels”

    —————————————————————————–
    “If she lets me get away with this..”, as if he was a two year old with no responsiblity for his actions. Why are women responsible for their own actions and for men’s actions as well? This kind of stuff makes it hard not to build up resentment for men.

  21. 81
    Just Dumped

    Hey everyone. I am the silly girl who wrote the question to Evan above. Ah yes, I remember it well. I ended up dating the guy again for another couple of months. He flew home to visit family for Christmas, came back a month later and dumped me the following day. Do I regret getting back together with him? Not really. Have I learned from it? Definitely.

    I think what he did to me overall was a really crappy thing and don’t make any excuses for it or him. However, I still do think he was a pretty great guy. I learned though through this process of being duplicate-dumped by one guy, that I deserve far more than what he ever gave me.

  22. 82
    JuJu

    Selena (post 55),

    I had a conversation with a female acquaintance once in which she complained that women in America (the West in general (and we two were born elsewhere)) perhaps have achieved too much sexual freedom for their own good. She cited this one example where the guy disappeared after having sex with her, and she thought he should have understood that for her it’s a serious step, and that he at least owed her the courtesy of an explanation.

    To which I said, “well, what could he have POSSIBLY told you in this situation that would have made you feel better about yourself (and your ‘relationship’ with this man) than his silence?”

    Jersey Girl (post 82),

    as if women never use men for anything? Really, now. Why so much anger?

    And, finally, OP,

    the reason this guy did not want to commit to you could very well be that you did not consider himself worthy of him (and I think Evan could address this, but then, he is a dating coach, not a psychotherapist). Who wants to be with someone who openly professes themselves inferior?

  23. 83
    JuJu

    Did not consider *your*self worthy of him.

    I was in a rush. ;-)

  24. 84
    Just Dumped

    JuJu . . .
    I think that Evan and most others misinterpreted my original post when I said that I wasn’t really sure why he was dating me in the first place . . . I didn’t mean to imply that I was or am inferior to him. Perhaps I should have elaborated on that fact at the time of my original post. What I meant was that while we always had a great time together, we were two very different people. He was all businessy and I am more of the creative type (hence why I usually ended up with the musicians and artists who aren’t really going anywhere). Reading it now though, I can see why everyone has read into it what they have.

    Having said ALLLLL of that . . . if you read my post (#83) you’ll see that I don’t really feel that after everything, that he was even worthy of me. :)

  25. 85
    Mini-Me

    I find that it is sooooo hard to understand many things about relationships, but I do understand one thing about men. They can only handle one emotion at a time if they are lucky. They don’t feel anything, except how good sex is…. Men are natural breeders, they hunt and they breed, and then they wonder if their breeding was good or not, if they feel it wasn’t, they go nuts and breed even more, and if they think they did breed well, they still go nuts and breed more. Men don’t care if they hurt a woman, remember they don’t feel anything. If he dumps you quietly out of the blue he’s gone, he doesn’t care because he didn’t care in the
    first place. They already know that there is a big chance that a woman will fall for them, they know that a woman will care for them, and so that is the tool they use, they know they will hurt you, they know that for sure, but don’t have the guts to tell you that they were only breeding. Men are cowards! They lie to themselves, and they lie to you. A woman is the one who is caring, honest, has courage, unselfish. Do you really think that a man wants to spare you feelings? Not! if he did, he wouldn’t do what he already knows will hurt you. He wouldn’t even try, but he is a breeder, and that is the only thing he has on his mind! They are insecure because they know that they can’t feel emotions, except fear of rejection, that’s why they suck you in, lie to you, and dump you like your worthless. They know that they are the ones that are worthless. The only thing they are good for is breeding, so maybe if you are crazy enough to hop in the sack with him, you just might get a baby out of the deal to love, and care for, but he won’t help you feed it, because he’s too busy hunting the next breeding ground. Men are not smart, they are not men, they are just boys, and until they die, that’s all they will ever be. Their brain is between their legs. Don’t be stupid and hop in the sack with a man unless you just what to be used, or have a baby. Other than that, take care of yourself, and enjoy life. You don’t need a man, or sex to enjoy life, but men need a woman or whatever to enjoy life, they can’t make it on their own, that’s pretty sad. They were made that way, they can’t help it, Bull!!!! A man is in it for himself, not for you, and when he is done with you, at least he can say to himself, at least I got what I wanted. It’s too bad she is hurt, but she should have known better, I’m a man, all I want is sex, I got lucky, she is too stupid to know that all I wanted was sex it was a good breeding day for me! I’m out-a- here!!!!

  26. 86
    JuJu

    Mini-Me,

    how is that mindset working out for ya?

  27. 87
    I so relate

    Hi,

    This thread has helped me gain insight into my situation. I met a guy from a dating site. He made it no secret that he was so into me, would text me everyday, call me “Sweetie”, and so on. I was not super into him in the beginning but decided to keep dating him to see what develops.

    Well, I did start developing feelings for him that I have not felt in a LONG time. But then, he started cooling down and I started getting the mixed messages. Sometimes he really seemed like he was REALLY into me and then other times he seemed so obviously NOT into me. He finally told me that he wanted to be friends since he did not know where he was going to be in the next few years. He has been in the US for 2 years but had a desire to go back to his home country. I respected his candor and did not want to stand in the way of what he wanted. I was relieved to at least know what was going on, the guessing I thought was over. I agreed to be his friend since I do enjoy his company.

    We still would see each other, maybe once a week. He would tap kiss me on my lips. I figured that may not really mean anything, friends can be affectionate to a point, right? But another time we went out and he held my hand and started making out with me, telling me that he missed me. This is when I should have asked him what was up. But I DIDN’T ASK HIM, I just ASSUMED that although we were friends, he still harbored feelings for me. He confided to me that another women really hurt him in a relationship and it is hard for him to open himself up in a relationship (awwwww…..). He did not tell me the details (who she was, what she did, etc.). I was okay with it since I figured that he just needed to take things slow with me. He assured me that he was not seeing other women besides me. We shared a beautiful romantic evening and I knew the sparks were still there. I am not promiscuous and did not want to have sex right away, but when I thought was hope for us, I had sex with him and he told me that he cared about me a lot.

    But he was still being fickle. The ball was firmly in his court and he was in the driver’s seat. He would see me when he wanted to see me, but if I wanted to be with him and there was something better going on with his friends, he would bar none choose them over me. He and his roommate had a party recently for a Rosh Hashana holiday (we are both Jewish). He did not invite me. Out of 18 people on the guest list, I was not invited. I was REALLY hurt. I felt like, I was not a girlfriend and not even a “friend”, I was beneath that in his sight.

    I really started thinking about things, figuring out what we really are–but unassertive at the same time by not directly asking him. I think a mixture of hope and unassertiveness is to blame for much of our situations. I came to the conclusion that I was a FWB (DUH?!) basically around to serve his needs when he wanted some female companionship. I suppose it did not dawn on me at first, since you think of the stereotypical FWB as being all about sex and ours was not. He would take me out on dates and although we would kiss and fool around, we only had sex that one time. Not being on his guest list for his party when a week before we had sex, I felt so stupid.

    I could not totally blame him, since I know that I should have been assertive enough to directly ask him what was going on when he was crossing the boundaries of the “friend zone”. But this past couple of weeks I really reached my limit. This past weekend we discussed getting together on Saturday. He did not call me until 9:30 PM since he was with his friends (big surprise). I did not disguise my disgust in my voice. I did not have to rant and rave, cursing and calling names. He knew by my tone that he was no longer on my list of favorite people, putting it mildly. He asked me if I could see him on Sunday. I said okay and that I would call him.

    I knew that I had to talk to him about this and it was better to do it in person. I knew that this was the time. We met at for coffee and since Yom Kippur was coming up, and this is a time to make sure that you ask forgiveness of anyone you have wronged. He knew that he was wrong in what he was doing. He told me how sorry he was for hurting me. I told him about how I felt in all of the mixed messages and not being invited to events, him preferring to be with his friends and not me, etc., etc. He told me that everything that I said and felt was correct and that he was totally wrong for it. He said that I deserve a man better than him. He told me about a girl who really hurt him in a past relationship (still no details, but I found out they dated for 2 months). He said the mixed messages was due to his fickle feelings. There were times that he felt everything was perfect between us, romantic, sparks, etc. But other times, he did not feel it. He said that just because he tells me that he wants to be friends now does not mean that feelings will not resurface, due to his fickleness in relationships now. There were times he honestly missed me but other times that he did not. He said that he was not like this before he was hurt so badly from this other girl. He said that he used to be very attentive and would give himself 100% to past girlfriends but he cannot do that now. He again told me that he is not seeing other girls and that other girls he was seeing previous to me during this period in his life were just for fun and lasted a week or so and he would just dump them. He said he saw something special in me that he did not see in those other girls so that is why he kept seeing me. Maybe it is easier to dump a “slut” than someone he deems a “good girl”? He told his family back in his country about me and they were really happy he was seeing me. He told me that he does not see this girl who hurt him in a romantic way anymore, he only feels contempt towards what she did to him.

    I told him I could possibly be friends with him but boundaries have to be respected. I cannot handle him kissing me and feelings getting stirred up for nothing. He agreed. I also told him that he needs, for his sake, to find someone he trusts to talk about this hurt he experienced with this girl and find a way to get past it.

    After I met with him, my feelings of anger towards him turned into sympathy and feeling that he really is a great guy after all and maybe there is hope for us. Damn, he is smooth, he knew all the right things to say!!

    In conclusion, maybe he can get through his issues and will be able to handle a relationship. We may be friends and have a good friendship and when he is ready he may choose me…….or he may choose someone else. His issues may be holding him back (like he is saying) or I just may not be “it” for him. I cannot hold a torch for him and put all my chips down on an uncertain bet. I have to keep my options open to other possibilities. I can remain friends with him but I must enforce the boundaries (which can be difficult) and if he wants me back, he has to be at a point when he is really ready and NOT FICKLE!!!! As much as I hope for that to happen, I have to accept that may never happen. (sigh….)

  28. 88
    Kate

    Hoooo, BOY!!

    Am I glad I stumbled upon this thread! I have obtained some fantastic insights and bits of advice from everyone here and I commend ALL of you for your candor. I have been experiencing many of the same things as far as fwb’s, emotional rollercoaster rides and rebound booty calls/patch-work relationships. To reach back into 2007, the best advice was NTBFOTP. AWESOME!! I wish I had that kind of advice a year ago. To place my sitch into cliff-notes, I will say that I prematurely fell in lust with a man I met online during my divorce in 2006. I didn’t give myself enough time to heal, but I was so hungry for affection and attention. We clicked on so many levels and we fell into each other physically… but I fell emotionally. Alas, he did not go in the same direction. To his credit, he did say that I had a lot of healing to do before I could get involved with anyone and he wasn’t going to commit or string me along since this wasn’t fair to him or me. Since he was twice-divorced and had several serious relationships go horribly sour, he was wary… and he seemed to speak from experience. So I was patient. As impatient as I am and as much as I wanted him, he was right. I had to deal with litigation, custody and the care of my children. We kept seeing each other until summer of 2007. I asked for some sort of a commitment and he said …NO. His reasoning was this: He wasn’t interested in other women. He wanted to see only me. Commitments in the classic sense mean nothing; a commitment is more of what a person does (or doesn’t do) during the course of a relationship. Double-speak? Not sure.

    Do I believe he is loyal to us? Absolutely. It’s a question of gut-feeling. When the concept of romantic love is introduced into the female psyche, common sense (and at times, self-worth) gets thrown into the nosebleed section. Fast-forward to today ~ I am still battling in the courts regarding custody, I am attending school (again), and I am still seeing so-and-so. I love him very much. He is still wary … though he took the plunge and told me he loved me on several occasions this past year… a HUGE step for him. He knows that I will NEVER remarry. I will always keep my own space. My kids come first. But children grow. Things change. He HAS hurt me before by saying “good-bye” when I asked for the “C” word… and like a love-struck fool, I let him back in when he knocked. But he’s not a player. He’s a confused and scarred person like myself who only wants someone to understand him, laugh with him and have the most incredible sex on the planet. Not every man doesn’t care ~ he just doesn’t KNOW what he really wants, emotionally speaking.

    That being said, I will also say that the time spent with him has drained me… yet empowered me. I know myself and what I am capable of accomplishing in life. I know how “the game” goes if he pulls away and tells me he needs “space”. NTBFOTP. A guy that truly loves a woman won’t play that bullshit song-and-dance. That dance was over in high school. I do love him, but not enough to allow my focus, sanity or self-worth to take a back seat. Time will tell. Thanks for looking in!

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  30. 89
    JerseyGirl

    ” Why do we keep in touch with you after we break up? Mostly because you let us. ” – Evan

    This sounds like women are expected to hold more of the responsibility AND blame for the actions on the guys part? Wow. Why do guys do something..because we let them? No offense but this is sounds like you don’t expect men to hold any responsiblity for themselves.

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