Why Would a Guy Keep in Touch After He Already Dumped Me?

Hi Evan,

I’ve been dating an amazing guy who’s only just recently become “too busy” for a relationship. I know that is really just code for him losing interest and that’s okay… Disappointing indeed, but okay.  Oddly though, he suggested that we have another conversation in a week’s time to see where things are at. Shortly after our breakup tonight, he sent me a text message saying he was sorry and that he’d really like to keep in touch. I told him I was open to that but that he’d have to take that step.

Evan, I’m OK with him not wanting to date me. To be honest, he is such an amazing guy (opposite of the loser musicians and wannabe actor types that I usually end up with) that I often wondered why he was dating me in the first place. But that’s obviously another issue. Why would he bother texting afterward or bother suggesting that we have another conversation about things in a week? I don’t get it. Why wouldn’t he just walk away after doing the dumping?

Just Dumped

Have you ever dumped someone, JD? It’s a horrible, horrible feeling, right up there with, well, being dumped. And this feeling, if you can imagine it, provides the full explanation for why people act inconsistent.

Step outside your own shoes and put yourself in your partner’s shoes.

As always, the best solution to being your own dating coach is to step outside your own shoes and put yourself in your partner’s shoes. Why would he possibly do what he did? There has to be some rationale. I’m just going to channel him right now and see what I can come up with:

“Well, I really like hanging out with JD, but I get the sense that she’s starting to get attached to me. And since I’m such an amazing guy, and I’m at a particularly busy time in my life, why would I want to tie myself down to just one person? Plus, the longer I continue to see her, the more I’m going to end up breaking her heart in the end. And I hate that feeling. I once dated this girl who strung me along for months and crushed my spirit, and I don’t want to do the same thing to JD. So I’m going to break up with her. Yeah. That’s the right thing to do.

Why do guys keep in touch after a break up?

Mostly because you let us.

On the other hand, it’s not like I ever promised to marry her or anything. I mean, she already knows I’m not fully committed. So maybe after I dump her, we’ll just stay in touch. Maybe do the occasional ‘friends with benefits’ thing. That way, I’m not technically hurting her. We have sex from time to time, I don’t have to commit, and I’m allowed to see other people. Perfect! If she lets me get away with it, she can’t get mad at me for being a creep. In fact, I think she likes me so much, she’ll just be glad to see me once every few weeks. I’m gonna send a text message to her and see how she feels…”

But that’s just my perspective as a 35-year-old single guy who has done the same exact thing. Why do we keep in touch with you after we break up? Mostly because you let us.

Readers? What do you think?

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Comments:

  1. 91
    Evan Marc Katz

    Assigning blame to men is useless, Jersey. All a woman can do is change her reactions to men – not change men themselves. Which is why complaining about men is futile. If you don’t like that a man booty calls you, break up with him. If you don’t like that a man doesn’t become your boyfriend after six months, break up with him. If you don’t want to be in a four year relationship without a ring, break up with him. Way too much time and energy is wasted on telling men that they’re wrong and that they should take responsibility. Stop wishing for a guy to take responsibility for your happiness. Take responsibility yourself. If you don’t like how you’re treated, leave him.

  2. 92
    JerseyGirl

    Assigning blame might be useless but basic responsiblity isn’t. I don’t expect men to take responsiblity for my happiness. If I am not happy with how a man treats me, I do leave. However, your logic is basically that women should and actually do hold more of the responsiblity, even for the actions of grown adult men.

  3. 93
    Evan Marc Katz

    Jersey,

    If you’re going to refer to “my logic”, you should get it correct: you have no responsibility for how he acts. He does.

    But since you can’t control him and can only control yourself, there’s no point in banging that drum over and over about men taking responsibility. Telling people like me to “tell men to take responsibility!” is like me telling you to create a world in which women don’t judge men on height, weight, age or income. I think people mistreat others all the time. We’re never going to eradicate it. All we can do is refuse to tolerate it. I’m sure you would agree.

  4. 94
    JerseyGirl

    I do agree with you there.

    I’m just not in agreement with you for the part we were discussing before. As for “banging that drum over and over”…. I think it’s important to stand up for what you believe is right. Maybe it comes off as banging a drum, but I don’t see it that way. I just see it as standing by what one thinks is right. And maybe it doesn’t change everyone but hopefully it makes people stop and think next time.

  5. 95
    Evan Marc Katz

    The way you stand up for yourself, Jersey, is by leaving a man who acts inexcusably – not by telling men, in general, to stop acting inexcusably.

  6. 96
    JerseyGirl

    Yes, I completely agree and understand that Evan. However, I still disagree with your previous statement and think it’s fair to comment on. I don’t like what sounds like blame to me, on women, for behavior that a guy might do in basically saying “why do men do things women don’t like, because women let us”. While you can’t force anyone to behave a certain way, this kind of mentality seems pretty damanging in itself. But that is strictly my perspective on it and I do understand that you disagree.

  7. 97
    Sandy

    You sure said it here, all of you. I am at the receiving end of a text-only relationship. That’s after 1.5 years of solid commitment, including paying his bills and helping him through major surgery. Yes, I am a fool. Even on my birthday, I get a text message and an encouraging email: Please give a friendship some time. Between the lines: he has a new job, a new life, money in his pocket. Might as well see what’s out there before making a promise to a woman who knows you and loves you. I was never loved back. I was handy for a while. The anger burns a bit, and that’s good. Otherwise, I might answer the text lingering there.

  8. 98
    Illinois Girl

    Sandy,

    Don’t beat yourself up. I know you feel used…it sounds like he is playing games to me. I wouldn’t give him time, I would get out there again and enjoy life. I am sure there is a nice man out there for you. This one sounds like he should be told ADIOS! Can you block his texts?

  9. 99
    Ann

    Most guys are jerks. And the sad thing about it is that they don’t even know when they’re being one. Evan was right– the best thing you can do for yourself is to walk away from an imbalanced relationship. It takes a great deal of commitment to personal development for any one who really wants to change. Sadly, most people are not up to the challenge.
    So we go back to the basics, be truly honest with ourselves and ask ourselves,
    “Is this the kind of person I REALLY want to spend the rest of my life with?”
    “Do I want our children to learn the values that the other person espouses?”
    We are who we are. In love, either you accept the person for who he is or you reject him completely. If the person you are with is not good enough for you, do not ask him to change for you. Just leave.

  10. 100
    Steve

    @Ann #101

    If you read a man making a general derogatory statement about 4 billion people ( women ) would you be inclined to think of that man as mysogynist, prejudiced or bigoted?

  11. 101
    Ann

    @Steve #102
    Note that I said “most”, not “all”. There are nice and decent guys, yes, but they come by very few and far between.
    Several days after dumping me, this guy invited me to attend his annual and exclusive family Christmas gathering as well as his friends-and-their-families post Christmas party (both occasions were held at his house), and yet he insisted that we were just friends. What in the world was he thinking?
    The guy I dated before that… Well he was dating me for over a year already and was starting to date another girl AND was trying to get back with his ex who was already married– all at the same time! What the hell was he thinking?
    Can you muster enough reason to explain away such behaviors?

  12. 102
    Themrs.

    I Love you EVAN wanna get married?! LOL!

    I had been struggling with this situation for a long time years ago, and I WISH YOU HAD This forum then. But I am now about to be married to someone who loves me unconditionally because I finally let the loser go who dumped me and got married 3 months later only to call me constantly thru his marriage and now I could care less and now he wonders why I wouldn’t sit around waiting for him AS IF Someone else wouldn’t come along, AS IF he was the only man that care.
    Hang in there ladies that are going thru the dumping scenario, MR. Right is out there and trust me he is MUCH MORE AMAZING than the Loser THAT WANTS HIS CAKE AND EAT IT TO.

  13. 103
    Robert

    Hey there…I have tried in vain for 9 months to understand ‘why’ my girlfriend of 3.5 years (6 months living together) decided out of the bloue to end the relationship. She had a lot of stressors with her son and his psycho girlfriend who basically turned the house into an asylum of sorts. I knew she was stressed and of all things when there for support, I felt her withdrawal both emotionally and physically. She basically told me “we need a break. I can barely keep myself afloat and it is not fair to you.” To say you go through heartache, shock, feel betrayed, get angry, ask ‘why’ a thousand times is an understatement. Long and short of it is, we saw each other off and on and it was clear that I was NOT a part of the romantic plan. It literally broke my heart. Here it is the latter part of June 2010, bordering 10 months of on again…off again communication and now after choosing ‘no contact’ (11 days now) with her, I sat down and penned a passage below that I thought most of you would relate to. I have written three books and authored numerous pieces on many subjects and it is funny but…when heartbreak and inner pains are in your own backyard, are we not the worst tenders of advice? I hope what I wrote below is not too long or verbose. I tried my best to put the subject of being a ‘dumpee’ in the best light possible. Most of you are right here. We all DO deserve another who loves us unconditionally and without hidden agendas or reservations. If he/she broke up with you, you truly CANNOT be ‘friends’ because your inner chords remain affected by your past passions, romance and your intimacies. As sad as it is to face and say to yourself…move on. You will survive. Here you go..hope you can relate to the passage below. Robert

    People place higher values on what they can’t have, or what they fear losing. When you are rejected or dumped, back off and YOU make their decision final. Don’t be taken for granted! Don’t try to draw them in or seduce them! NEVER try to explain or repair mistakes! Don’t try to be friends! Don’t change who you are, or put on any acts! Simply surgically remove them from your hearts and minds and get on with your life! If they try to get in contact, be polite but keenly and emotionally indifferent! We all know how the mere sound of their voice knocks us back a few pegs…never pushes us forward. Most importantly, DO NOT give them another second of your valued time. Your time NOW is for other things, other people and perhaps soon down the road…another chance at FINDING not FALLING for someone you merely BELIEVE you may love! Finally, if miraculous bridges are repaired and you find yourself somehow back within arms length of one you absolutely adore, do so on your own terms yet from that very first moment on, make it abundantly clear that you will NEVER…EVER be taken for granted! Chances are great that when a couple breaks, it is a rarity that they ever share a bond again. Some wounds remain too deep for repair, and the ones you cannot see…the searing gashes in your heart are NEVER as forgiving. It truly is time to let them go! Our phases of pain move from shock, to denial, on to heartbreak and utter loneliness and despair. You cannot fall any lower than the depths of raw rejection, shame, and self pity. So to hell with it! Rise up and fight the good fight, embrace your friends, and move on with your life. Someone…somewhere out there, knows of your truest values in life and love. Be near to them and you will be guided to safety, and never shall you mourn again.

  14. 104
    My two cents from Philly

    In my experience, there are more ambivalent men (and women) out there now then there ever have been before.  To some extent, we are a product of our current environment.  I grew up in the 70’s and 80’s when there were no cell phones, no caller ID, guys had to “call” not rely on cowardly “texting”.  Women were asked out.  We didn’t feel in competition with another three dozen women on match.com.  We met people “organically”.  But women have helped to change the game as well by becoming more aggressive and less feminine.  This makes men more passive.  Please do not take offense to this, but I think there is some truth to it.  I’m actually a very independent and successful woman, but do try to tone it down around men because I think it puts them in a better place.  I have worked on this.  I feel that on-line dating and technology have brought about both advantages and drawbacks.  I consider this site one of the advantages.  However, I do feel that on-line daters gain the perception that there a tons of options out there…which is true it has increased dating opportunities…but has it increased quality?  Bottom line:  The older we get, the more baggage we gain and experience from others.  The more we date, the more tired we become and want the process to be “over”.  So we get hooked into the fantasy.  When he/she comes on strong and promises the world, we breathe a sigh of relief.  We are elated.  We want this to be “it”.  We are hooked…..then he/she is gone.  Unfortunately this is after we are emotionally invested but perhaps he/she never was.  Because if we accepted the clues early on, we would have resisted the chemistry and saw it for what it truly was.   But let’s face it, we are vulnerable human beings and some folks are manipulative.  For some, that’s all they know.  Sometimes I think we do have patterns with relationships and other times, it’s just plain bad luck.  I don’t like the saying “he’s just not that into you”.  That can make a woman feel bad.  Because at some point, he definitely was into you…very much so… or you wouldn’t have fallen so hard.  But unfortunately, he changed his mind.  I do agree with Evan that if a man doesn’t feel good around you then he leaves.  But I think a mature man who knows he has a good thing stays and works on the relationship.  He takes responsibility for his actions and doesn’t run like a baby at the first sign of conflict.  Nor should she.  Conflict is going to happen and meant to be worked through with respect.  It’s healthy.  Look for the clues early on that the guy (or girl) has unresolved issues and isn’t capable of the long haul.  My first clue should have been on the 2nd date when he told me about his previous girlfriend who he dated “on and off for seven years”.  And I was about to be the next “string” beginning with years 7 to 14. He abandoned me twice and once when I had a very serious injury.  As the saying goes, someone burns you once shame on them, twice shame on you.  My two times are up.  This opens my heart for the real deal…no empty promises, someone respecting my pace and my boundaries and ultimately – someone who keeps their word and who will stand by me as I will by him.  A guy who walks the walk and who will give the 110% that I will give to him and the relationship.  Talk is cheap.  Actions speak louder than words but not nearly as often…

  15. 105
    moggz

    I know that many of us have been here before and certainly I agree that the reason that this happens is because WE allow it to happen. I am, however, wondering if ever these feelings can be motivated by guilt alone? Perhaps Evan can speak on this. I have a situation where a short term dating (2 weeks) this is someone who I see socially very frequently and I was very attracted and excited about him yet, it was ended by me actually because I found him to be very inconsistent and emotionally unavailable….frankly the poor guy seemed so confused… so I ended it thinking I had the upper hand. Well, much to my chagrin he started dating another prospect and they are now in a seemingly serious relationship of several months….I was devastated!!! I still see him frequently (our children are in activities together) and he always seems to reach out to me, sometimes its simply to say hi, sometimes to ask a questions, sometimes to even compliment…he often is clever and flirty with jokes and comments. I’m torn because as much as I love this attention from him, I question why he needs to give it, when he is not interested and he is dating someone else! I personally think he is trying to stay “the nice guy” so he doesn’t look like the jerk that couldn’t commit to me…but could find a girlfriend only weeks later….
    I don’t know…I’m annoyed, perplexed and a little hurt.

  16. 106
    starthrower68

    I refuse to have any contact with a guy who dumps me.  It’s not self-protective to do so.  The only way to move on is to cut off all contact even socially.

  17. 107
    Joe

    Starthrower: do you maintain contact with guys you dump?

  18. 108
    Karl R

    moggz asked: (#105)
    “I am, however, wondering if ever these feelings can be motivated by guilt alone?”

    Guilt is too strong a word. I’ve been in a few situations where I’ve dated someone in the same social circle as me. Post-breakup, it’s necessary to at least remain civil and easier if you can remain friends.

    If the other person was obviously hurt by the breakup, there will be some additional concern. Nobody wants to be the cause of pain, even though it’s not their fault. (If you’re in a relationship with someone who you believe isn’t right for you, would you stay in that relationship just to avoid hurting that person? Would you be guilty of causing his pain when you left?)

    moggz said: (#105)
    “I personally think he is trying to stay ‘the nice guy’ so he doesn’t look like the jerk”

    I disagree. As an outsider hearing your side of the story, he doesn’t sound like a bad guy or a jerk.

    1. You were attracted to and excited about this man.
    2. You dated for two weeks.
    3. He didn’t seem that interested in you, so you dumped him.
    4. A few weeks later, he met a woman he was more interested in.
    5. He now has a serious relationship with her.

    What part of this makes him the “bad guy”? What part makes him into a “jerk”? Am I a jerk to every woman that I’m not that interested in? Are you a jerk to every man you’re not that interested in? If those men think you’re a jerk, do you even care? I certainly don’t.

    moggz said: (#105)
    “I’m annoyed, perplexed and a little hurt.”

    Those feelings are understandable with any breakup. As an outsider, I’m perplexed and curious about several things:

    1. In your excitement, did you fantasize about your potential future this man? If so, was this fantasy supported by his actual behavior?
    2. What kind of commitment did you expect from him after two weeks?
    3. When you broke up with him, what kind of reaction were you expecting from him? Does it bother you that he didn’t have that reaction? If so, why?
    4. What did he do that makes him a bad guy and a jerk?
    5. Are you over him? If not, will your next boyfriend have to compete with him?

    moggz said: (#105)
    “as much as I love this attention from him, I question why he needs to give it,”

    Maybe he likes you as a friend, but not as a potential partner.
    Maybe he is trying to indirectly reassure you that he wasn’t hurt when you dumped him.
    Maybe he’s trying to prove that he’s mature enough to stay “just friends” after a breakup.
    Or maybe it’s something that neither of us have considered.

  19. 109
    Fesche Lola

    Been there. I was just text dumped last week. The only reaction he got out of me was my lone text back to him, “Good-bye.” I think he was hoping for something more dramatic. He hasn’t heard a peep from me since.

    Now, I’m not sure I buy into the whole “guilt” thing that Evan mentioned. I think men get a twisted ego boost when they break a woman’s heart. They know that if they want to get back with you, they can. Don’t give them that power. 

    Admittedly, I want him to contact me. But the only reason why I want to hear from him again is so I can ignore him. It’s no fun to ignore someone when they don’t know they’re being ignored.

    Guys do stupid things because we let them get away with it. We need to stop doing that.

  20. 110
    lala

    Clap clap clap. Evan I salute you. Everything you’re saying is so true and Feshe Lola I know exactly how you feel. Was dating this guy for 3 months, always had a hunch that he was emotionally unavailable and mentioned it a few times but he disagreed and said that its him waiting for things to feel ‘natural’ what a load of rubbish. In the end we agreed that he couldn’t give me what I wanted and I accepted and was willing as much as I was hurt to just let go and move on to greener pastures yet at the same time wanting him to contact me again so I too could  show him that I was fine and thus ignore him (obviously that’s just hurt talk there) then after a week got used to not hearing from him and was looking forward to going on a date with this guy only to get a text from him. Deliberately ignored it and erased it from my phone only to receive another one a week later. We used to work together and its funny because even though I agreed to let go of and cease contact my friends would call text me at my old work place and tell me little things like him all of a sudden speaking to them. I just thought, what an attention seeker, yet at the same time trying to be strong and not contact him. However, I stupidly responded recently agreeing to meet up for a coffee but after coming across his site, I couldn’t be more grateful for the heads up. I don’t believe its anything to do with guilt, guilt makes a person want to hide away rather then make them want you. it’s more about ego, attention and possibly the situation finishing before they had hoped it would, which probably messed up their sex calender. Obviously I know that not everyone you date is going to be the prince you always wanted but I can’t take games and I can’t take people who are insincere. Most guys know from the beginning whether they are ready for a serious relationship or not and its just so selfish when anyone (male or female) is dishonest when dating. If you just want to meet up for sex be honest as you never know what the answer will be but don’t just string people along, and letting them fall for you when you know that you have no intention of going any further with the relationship.

  21. 111
    Angela

    Not really sure what thread to attach this to, but I’ll try here.

    -Met a man online over a year ago in January. We hooked up through a common interest, but live 1300 miles away. Neither of us was looking for a LD relationship. He called me several times a week, often on Friday and Saturday nights; this went on for some 7 months, we logged many hours. We both fessed up to a mutual romantic interest. He offered to fly me down to meet him, I replied that I’d be more comfortable with him coming to see me, first. At that he reponded that he’d prayed on things and realized that “I don’t think I “have it in me” to possibly start up a long distance relationship. I’m not trying to be presumptuous in saying that I know that’s what would happen, but my heart and head both tell me that’s what would likely happen…and logic tells me that’d be the primary hope in meeting. I mean, I don’t think we’d meet, hit it off really well and then say “okay, that was nice – take care now.” Is it not a fear of something great or of happiness – God no! It is a fear of not being able to give you what you undeniably deserve, as you deserve the best I could give – even more than that, actually.”

    A few months later he told me that his ex of 2 years ago, who also lives out of state, wanted to get back together. He decided to pursue that reinvolvement. He added that he hoped he wasn’t making a mistake in that it could mean losing the opportunity to potentially pursue something with me and added “I just know that it’s not in me, nor even if it were could I ask/expect it of you, to let me “hedge my bet.” I care for you too much to have ever even entertained the idea…”
    Here’s the thing…he continues to call me about once every two weeks. I have moved on with my life and have started seeing someone else. This new man has asked for an exclusive, committed relationship. While I want to explore this with him, I can’t get thoughts and feelings of the LD man whom I’ve never even met, out of my heart and head. The moment I laid eyes on one of his photos I was struck speechless with the feeling and knowing that “This is the man I’m going to marry.” This has never happened to me in my life and I am 52. I am both a realist and an eternal optimist. I don’t want to cut him out of my life completely, but  know that continuing to hear his voice and connect with him only makes me want to fly down to his doorstep, meet him face to face and let the chips fall where they may.

    1. 111.1
      Cat

      Angela (#111): You call yourself a realist, but you’re stuck in a total fantasy over a man you’ve never met who most likely doesn’t even resemble the photo that struck you speechless. He likes keeping you as an option while he’s back with his ex. (In fact, how do you know for sure that he was ever single?) Does that sound like a great guy who’s going to marry you? He wouldn’t even come to meet you! (Another sign he likely doesn’t look like the photos he used. They could of someone else or how he looked when he was younger/fitter/had hair…)

      This fantasy is keeping you from committing to a guy who actually did ask you for an exclusive, committed relationship. Cut off the LD guy and move on! And good luck, it’s hard to let go of a fantasy…

  22. 112
    Mariam

    My story: I met a guy online…go figure. Cute, Canadian with a French accent. I did not even expect anything when I said hello.

    He was so attentive. Sent me photos once a day for a week, started IMing me daily. Has been doing this since Dec. 27,2011. We finally met last week. Before we both flew to Texas, where we are both moving, we flirted. We were also friends. We both admitted a definite attraction.

    So, we met~ He was not into me at all. How rejected, deflated, dejected I have been feeling. He did not compliment me, I had bought hundreds of dollars worth of clothes and spent money on appearing my best–not one compliment.

    Stupidly, I made the first move and tried to kiss him! He held my arms down and looked at me closely and told me no.

    Can you say ” mortified”?

    I was stuck with him for two and a half more days. We slept in separate beds in a hotel. We were both on business and with each other, for pleasure.

    He told me he does not want to hurt me. That the only way he knows how to do that is be friends only.

    I was devastated. I felt like a trapped and wounded animal.

    Anyways, I am home and he has returned to Canada. His company is moving him by May or June. He told me he wants to hang out frequently as friends.

    I told him that I think I had fallen in love with him and feel stupid.

    He told me all the soothing things that only made me feel like a very unattractive, unlobable person, whose only worth is friendship.

    He has still been Iming me where we hear each other on voice call. I cannot do it anymore. I am hurt. I feel devastated within myself. Worthless, unattractive, a failure–you know how I feel.

    So, I found this site: I Im’d him that I cannot be only friends because we are not into each other–only I am into him.
    I asked if I stepped  told him that I need someone who is 100% into me and that friendship, at this time, is not an option.

    I ended it with staying his wonderful self, and that I will always adore him and hope our paths cross again one day. With that, I used a kiss emoticon and told him xoxoxo, but kiss on the lips–without romance…and then my name and a crying emoticon.

    I am truly devastated…And feel really stupid for falling for a man on a dating site and talking to him daily for two months to only meet in person and he told me that he cannot give me what i need and only wants to be friends…? I am so sad. I do not want to hurt him, but I am truly hurting, myself~

  23. 113
    Flower White

    Ann, hi! You wrote: @101

    “@Steve #102
    Note that I said “most”, not “all”. There are nice and decent guys, yes, but they come by very few and far between.
    Several days after dumping me, this guy invited me to attend his annual and exclusive family Christmas gathering as well as his friends-and-their-families post Christmas party (both occasions were held at his house), and yet he insisted that we were just friends. What in the world was he thinking?
    The guy I dated before that… Well he was dating me for over a year already and was starting to date another girl AND was trying to get back with his ex who was already married– all at the same time! What the hell was he thinking?
    Can you muster enough reason to explain away such behaviors?”

    May I?  What in the world are YOU thinking to blame your poor choice of men on men in general? As a womanist I have no desire to defend male behaviors yet I do believe  there are many sweet men around wanting to give and be loved. That is my dating belief, that most men are sweet lil dolls.

    Your paranoid attitude reflects what you ACCEPT, dysfunctionals. Why did YOU go to the Xmas party of a guy who dumped you? He was a louse thaty you should have said adios to!

    Why did YOU chose to waste a year and a half on a cheater involved with multiple women? I’D slap myself silly before I got near an obvious cheater.

    YOU chose those guys. YOU wanted them for whatever reason. YOU can’t blame a snake for biting you. Most men are sweethearts, if you think so-  you will attract them.

  24. 114
    truth

    narcissists immediately contact you after dumping you because they don’t think they did anything wrong. they lack empathy. they keep on trying to be your friend because they think they are great guys and who wouldn’t want to be their friend? it’s bizarre. their intentions are completely selfish. i.e. they may want to remain friends to hook up, get attention, not feel lonely, feel like they’re a good guy, etc. the best revenge is a life well lived. pity these people from a safe distance.

  25. 115
    Guess What?

    Well, I disagree with this a bit. The guy who I was dating for nine months, I have not seen in four months. He sits on a dating web site all day long throughout the week but here I am single, we were extremely compatable and got along almost too good to be true. He dumped me and like I said, I have not seen him in four months, he has not even asked to see me but insists on emailing me jokes every two weeks and maybe calling once a month drunk for like 5 or 10 minutes WHEN AND IF I answer. I have told him long ago to quit contacting me if he was no longer interested (he is one to do so too if asked) and he WON’T! He is a player and needs that ego boost! The entire time that we were dating he would not commit to me but I am actually the only one he was dating (I am sure not sleeping with though). Unfortunately, A LOT of men out there are like that. They no longer want you but want to know that you want them still. It is gross and sad! I was naive because I had been in a relationship before I met him for almost 20 years. He actually acted like he was going to commit to me at one time but that lasted an entire month. You just have to be careful with what you got. I never though it was weird that he had other woman “FRIENDS”… Or maybe I liked him so much I did not want to see it!!!!

  26. 116
    confused

    I’m in a very similar situation. This guy told me he loved me and I mean the world to him, basically talking me up in every way you can imagine. He says when he sees me again all of his feelings will come rushing back..blah blah blah… well two weeks ago he told me we would never work out and it was just best for him to end it now. I really really really felt for this guy and instantly got sucked into what he had always told me before he went ahead and broke my heart. I questioned him at first, but now I’m at the point where I just stop contacting him and gave him space. He texts me to see how I’m doing, asks to video chat, and is always sending me those frown faces. Yes i’d LOVE for things to work out for him and I, but honestly how realistic is it that it will? 

  27. 117
    starthrower68

    @ Confused #117,

    It’s not realistic. He’s jerking your chain because you coming running when he pulls it. I don’t mean that as an insult or criticism, but don’t fall for his attempts at manipulation. He said it would never work out so you have to believe him. It doesn’t matter why he keeps doing it; what matters is that you cut off contact and move on with life so this dude can’t jerk your chain anymore.

  28. 118
    UpTown Girl

    What’s wrong with this whole scenario is the secular concept of DATING. DATING is not the plan of God for a man and a woman. DATING leads to premarital sex, and you’d be hard pressed to convince me anything good comes of illicit sex. Actually, time and space prevent me, but so much of society’s ills come from the fact that Jesus has been made into a warm fuzzy joke, and His Holy Word is ignored. Ignore it at your own peril. He wrote the manual for the humans He made because He knows what is best for us. Adultery and fornication have led to innumerable murders, suicides, abortions and STDs, not to mention the emotional craziness evident on this forum.
    So what to do? Stay celibate. You won’t die. Get to know and love the Lord Jesus Christ. If the moderator posts this I’ll be amazed. God DID NOT program men to randomly sow their seed…..propaganda from the enemy camp, coupled with our sin nature, is the culprit.
    When you get a few years on you, and realize that life is all about the afterlife, you get a better prospective on just how you really messed things up. And all in the name of fun. Sex is meant to bond a couple in commited love and holiness with each other, and to propogate the species.
    The Lord made sex feel good so we’d do it…not overdo it. There is nothing better than being able to look at your face in the mirror everyday and not be a part of this unholy sexual drama. Seek Him while He may be found. Time as we know it is very, very short. Love and Joy

  29. 119
    Melody

    My ex broke up with me twice (the second time was more mutual. Part of me wanted it to happen but part of me also wanted to work on it IF he was willing to be put in the effort. He wasn’t, although he refused to tell me he didn’t love me… weirdo). He sent me a text a few days after the breakup (asking about a show we always watched together).  You know how I replied? “Who’s this?” I knew damn well who it was. I KNOW he knew that I knew. No more texts since then… Haha loser. 

  30. 120
    Melody

    Uptown Girl, you may have your beliefs but so does everyone else. I don’t believe in marriage, period. 

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