Why Would a Guy Keep in Touch After He Already Dumped Me?

Hi Evan,

I’ve been dating an amazing guy who’s only just recently become “too busy” for a relationship. I know that is really just code for him losing interest and that’s okay… Disappointing indeed, but okay.  Oddly though, he suggested that we have another conversation in a week’s time to see where things are at. Shortly after our breakup tonight, he sent me a text message saying he was sorry and that he’d really like to keep in touch. I told him I was open to that but that he’d have to take that step.

Evan, I’m OK with him not wanting to date me. To be honest, he is such an amazing guy (opposite of the loser musicians and wannabe actor types that I usually end up with) that I often wondered why he was dating me in the first place. But that’s obviously another issue. Why would he bother texting afterward or bother suggesting that we have another conversation about things in a week? I don’t get it. Why wouldn’t he just walk away after doing the dumping?

Just Dumped

Have you ever dumped someone, JD? It’s a horrible, horrible feeling, right up there with, well, being dumped. And this feeling, if you can imagine it, provides the full explanation for why people act inconsistent.

Step outside your own shoes and put yourself in your partner’s shoes.

As always, the best solution to being your own dating coach is to step outside your own shoes and put yourself in your partner’s shoes. Why would he possibly do what he did? There has to be some rationale. I’m just going to channel him right now and see what I can come up with:

“Well, I really like hanging out with JD, but I get the sense that she’s starting to get attached to me. And since I’m such an amazing guy, and I’m at a particularly busy time in my life, why would I want to tie myself down to just one person? Plus, the longer I continue to see her, the more I’m going to end up breaking her heart in the end. And I hate that feeling. I once dated this girl who strung me along for months and crushed my spirit, and I don’t want to do the same thing to JD. So I’m going to break up with her. Yeah. That’s the right thing to do.

Why do guys keep in touch after a break up?

Mostly because you let us.

On the other hand, it’s not like I ever promised to marry her or anything. I mean, she already knows I’m not fully committed. So maybe after I dump her, we’ll just stay in touch. Maybe do the occasional ‘friends with benefits’ thing. That way, I’m not technically hurting her. We have sex from time to time, I don’t have to commit, and I’m allowed to see other people. Perfect! If she lets me get away with it, she can’t get mad at me for being a creep. In fact, I think she likes me so much, she’ll just be glad to see me once every few weeks. I’m gonna send a text message to her and see how she feels…”

But that’s just my perspective as a 35-year-old single guy who has done the same exact thing. Why do we keep in touch with you after we break up? Mostly because you let us.

Readers? What do you think?

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Comments:

  1. 121
    Haksy

    uptowngirl you are right on the money, sex is about love and marriage……nothing more. We all have passions and desires but must learn to control ourselves. The enemy is always there in our weakest moments. Mankind has taken their sins to a whole new level…. the Lord will judge all our sins on the day.  +   Adultery and fornication are sins

  2. 122
    avery

    i think she should maintain no contact for at least 30-90 days depending on how long/intense the relationship was. even longer if possible.  the ex’s i’m TRULY friends with are the ex’s who i had no contact with for a long while (one ex and i are best friends and it wasn’t until we had no contact and both moved on to other relationships that we were able to do so). in the end if you’re ona blog asking for advice you already know the situation is shady and not for you. if you end up being the best of friends awesome but for now take the time you need to FULLY heal.
     
     

  3. 123
    Rob

    OK IM going to try and respond to this as a GAY man… in other words I too am a man that struggles with the same thing with men… and even I dont get it?

    For the record I was the dumpee recently after a 3 month, very intense relationship where he spoke “love language” and pushed for the same from me. Then literally one day he was done.  That was it.

    Ladies I KNOW its hard.  Right now I would do just about anything to have him back.  Now I confess that Im reading these blogs and sites in that same hope of trying to understand, trying to make sense and trying to find a way to get him back.

    After reading all of these comments Im going to try and see if I can step back rationally and answer as a man (who also has been hurt by a man.)

    Yes I wonder how someone can use that kind of language and then it seemingly mean nothing the very next day.   Yes I am struggling to understand what I did wrong.   Yes I am so tempted to conclude all kinds of terrible things about him.  But here is the bottom line… he’s a great guy (I would not have dated him if he werent)… and it simply did not work.

    Right now I am thinking of an analogy with my mother.  She loves to bake.  The problem is… she’s not the greatest baker.  The smoke alarms in her home are more about being an oven timer than anything else.   When mom bakes, the intentions are always great, high and sincere.   She finds some incredible recipe in one of her ladies magazines and sets out to make it work.  She so carefully attends to details… she lovingly measures, she carefully blends, she sincerely pops it into the oven.   But by god, I don’t know what happens from that moment on… it either flops, fizzles or burns.

    Listen my mom is a good lady… but she just isn’t that good at making cakes.  Now strangely every once in a while she pops out a winner… usually a recipe she learned 20 years ago… that she has practiced on and keeps coming back to… because it works.

    Ladies I know the temptation of over analyzing everything.  Its really is not just a guy thing… its a people thing.  I truly conclude that most people try to make relationships (cakes) to the best of their ability, but that not everyone is a Martha Stewart.

    I have to believe that people find real love all the time.  There is no shortage of happy relationships out there and I choose to believe that one day I will find one for myself.  In the meantime I too am lovingly and sincerely practicing baking.

    So back to this guy.  Did he use me?  Did he string me along?   Did he play with my emotions?   I guess that is really not the point.  The point is that both he and I have been practicing living life and we havn’t figured out how to do it well.  And though I really enjoyed sharing the kitchen with him, I too was in fact “practicing baking” in the hopes that it would be the perfect cake.  It just, in the most simple of terms wasn’t.

    Like my mom, he may come back to this recipe and try again.  Would she get it right it right the second time?  Maybe yes… maybe no.  The bottom line is that she is not a jerk for trying… she is simply not Martha Stewart and her recipes just don’t seem to always end up looking like they do in the magazines, no matter how hard she tries.  Its not a statement on effort, sincerity, love for the attempt or contempt of the recipe.  She just cant seem to make THAT recipe work.

    Ladies, men often feel like they don’t belong in the kitchen to begin with… but they surely still love the food.  Its disappointing, it is frustrating, it has been a time consuming and often expensive venture.  And do not discount how hard it is to have a recipe flop while everyone is watching.   But chances are he is not a jerk (or why did you date him to begin with?)  You’re recipe simply did not work.

    Try the recipe again, don’t try the recipe again.  That is your own call.  But above all grace yourself that you are not Martha Stewart… nor is he.  Dare to dream for a better and the best recipe for your life.  He just wasn’t it.

  4. 124
    Kelly

    Good~ it is very confusing,, when there is a break up but the I e partner continues ti insist on shared w dry thing. Or not problem solve with you tin find ways if financially undead able, to disengage themselves and you from bonds. It’s best to move out if state if possible, but if xgildren Re involved and there has been any kind of issues. Seek help from a mediator. If he walks out, ( mine did) . Petition if youi can for for a hearing.
    Good luck, and never think you were not good enough for him~youbhad something obviously ( this together guy) was looking for, and or admired. Onward upward.. To your next more in tune relationship, c

  5. 125
    Ally

    Evan thank you so much for posting this. I normally don’t comment but this just hits so close to home. I am going through the same thing and I’m still giving him the time of the day and feed on any opportunity he gives me to hang out. Get a life girlfriend…I need to move on pronto! If he wasn’t interested in me the first time, he won’t be interested again! Don’t be stupid and let your emotions get the best of you….move on before you get even more attached!!!!! 

  6. 126
    Dinah Khanser

    He probably got along quite well with you as a person, but you obviously weren’t pretty enough, and/or good enough in bed, for him to make a further commitment. I’m tellin’ you the truth, honey. Seriously, that’s how guys are hard wired. Move on and try for something better. He hes a loser. He didn’t deserve a nice girl like you, anyway.

  7. 127
    Ann

    I hate to say it, but I have dated quite a lot in my 36 years. I’ve dated all kinds of guys from all walks of life. I’ve had longterm and shorterm. I’ve been the dumper most of the time and have been the dumped a few times. But I have never come across a man like the one Evan describes in his book and this post until now. MOST men do not get scared off just b/c you aren’t on your game 100% of the time. MOSt men do not shy away from a discussion of “are we exclusive now?” MOST guys do not require constant reassurance with the back and forth described here.

  8. 128
    Ann

    (Sorry, pressed submit before I was finished.) Most guys I’ve dated (well, at least since college anyway) have been receptive to conversations about the relationship, have been clear with their feelings, and have been understanding with off days, weeks, or even whole months.

    The man being discussed here and by Evan in his advice about how to keep men from running (do we think Evan might be one of these guys?) is the commitment-phobic man. He comes on strong, but as soon as there is any sign of imperfection or sense of plateau, he’s off.  

    My college boyfriend was one of these. He is finally in a longterm relationship and has admitted that he thinks he’ll marry her, but it took 3 solid years of yo-yoing and patience on her part to get him to settle down. If you have that kind of time and patience, great. If not, move on. But she’s a very accomplished and secure woman who didn’t really have time for a full-scale boyfriend anyway. If you’re not that type, MOVE ON.

  9. 129
    MH

    I think a guy should just wish the girl well after dumping her and leave it at that. To me, it’s like rubbing salt into a wound or a guy who wants his cake and eat it to. Being dumped can be painful enough, especially if it was a long-term relationship. A dumper trying to stay friends with his ex, while he’s happily dating someone else or playing the field, is just as bad if not worse than not hearing from him ever again.

  10. 130
    Michele

    In the last year I’ve been on three dates. Two with men I’ve known a long time ago and got back in touch with via facebook, and one I met via friends. All 3 men lived an impractcial distance away but I thought I’d ‘give it a chance’. All three were very charming and the first two who were prior friends put a lot of effort into communicating and seeing me. 
    However for reasons I don’t entirely understand, neither of the first two seemed to be that interested in me after seeing me, and nothing sexual happened so it wasn’t that. In one case, the guy decided he ‘wasn’t over his ex’, and in the other case, the guy who had driven hundreds of miles to help me install a kitchen, just didn’t do anything to approach me so I assumed he wasn’t interested. I was right.
    The guy I met through friends- we spent a weekend together, but he wasn’t really interested in me. To be honest I don’t think I was that interested in him either.
    What two of these guys have in common is that they managed to create completely false impressions of themselves by text and emails. I’d been out of touch long enough with the two I knoew before for this to be possible. And the third guy just isn’t interested in a relationship with anyone.
    All three say they want to be ‘friends’ and sporadically make attempts to stay in touch. There is clearly no sexual interest so I don’t really understand what they are doing, unless they seriously just want to stay friends. I’m not romantically intererested in them anyway.
    As far as I’m concerned it’s black and white- you’re either interested or you’re not. I am starting to wonder what these three long-distance penpals are doing in my life, and why they are bothering. I have enough friends. Surely they have too.  But I’m starting to think that quite a lot of blokes really just want to stay platonic friends and are not interested in sex. Where are all these blokes who are thinking about sex all the time? I should be so lucky!!
    If I go on a date and initiate nothing, nothing happens. This is the pattern now for me. Nothing much has happened for nearly 4 years. Lots of nice ‘friends’ though.

  11. 131
    Cat

    I have just ended and on and off relationship of five years. I was dumped the last time and then almost a year later he came running back crying and regretful about anything he had done to hurt me. Mistake I made, – I didn’t really sit down with him and insist he go into detail about exactly how he hurt me. Instead, it was turned on me in a way – “I didn’t understand that you had all these insecurities.” Well who wouldn’t with him ogling everyone and then trying to do it when he thought he could get away with it by being sneaky and then yelling at me for being upset. he made comments about middle-aged women, his ex-wife’s beauty faded so she should not have met someone else ( she ran off with another man in her mid-fifties) pregnant women, etc.. I had to hear rumors about him (before he met mostly) that he was always chasing girls the age of his daughter. I stupidly thought that somehow this would change as I never thought he would have humbled his big ego enough to cry in front of me and beg me for another chance.
    The problem I had is that I never trusted him. When he broke up with me last time, he didn’t have the decency to just back off and instead kept calling with all this friendship b.s.. When I told him I was not into it and needed time, he came on all romantic and flirtatious. When I was cold back, he disappeared – for months. I was hurt by that as well – that he never cared about my friendship after so many months as he said he would.
    I tried to be the bigger person and did a couple of performances with him. He managed to call me by my performer name after the event, which was stupid as he never called me that before. I took that as a dig. But I relented and took another gig with him. I had a guy show up that I was dating (I didn’t really want him to come but he did anyway,) and I fully believe that as soon as my ex got an idea that I might have moved on and I looked more confident, he was all over me again – roses, wining and dining, talking about marriage (even said he saw the date during a meditation that we were supposed to get married on.)
    Then slowly but surely the ogling started and the “liking” bikini models on his facebook page. I am sorry, but I am not really into an older man who has to present his taste in hot women all the over place ( it was more than just that,  but I want him and I to remain anonymous so I won’t mention the other thing.) I suddenly realized that if he had cared so much about “my insecurities” he would have thought more about my feelings – except he thought I had left facebook and would not notice. Lack of foresight as well in  case we did get married. That caused a lot of problems between he and I and my trust was eroded again after all he had said.
    He tried to turn it on me until I thought I was going crazy – maybe I had taken it wrong or imagined things? Maybe it was no big deal and just guy stuff – but it was excessive to the point of being really rude and disrespectful of me. I didn’t think I should be bothered and kept trying to put up with it.
    Then he screwed me over on the holidays. he knows the holidays are hard for me due to family dynamics and I was alone. We were not sure what we were doing and I asked him not to call every day because it makes me feel like I have a boyfriend and I feel crowded mentally. He complied for a few days and started right back up again. He had yelled at me that I should just drop the past hurt and anger and try being nice to him. So I did. For a month I did nothing wrong and then he evaded me and didn’t invite me to spend new years with him. I was upset and he tried to say it was because he had this gig and he didn’t think I would enjoy it, etc. etc. When I said I wanted to go anyway, he said he didn’t want a relationship with me and I asked when he had decided this for sure and when was he going to tell me?
    He said he had decided it months ago. He could not understand why I was so upset that he was calling every day and had come over with his viagra spilling on to my couch when we were supposed to talk. Well, I let him have it. I really did. I realized he was a narcissist as I had always thought in the back of my mind. And I told him so. I told him to never call or email me again – that I was done and there would be no other chances or b.s. friendship. I was done.
    I am more angry that I allowed myself to deal with all this and I have had to look at my self-esteem. I know I was not a saint, but I was trying and if he had meant all he said about going to the ends of the earth for me, he could have been patient and realized I was trying. Instead, he blew it for the last time. I let him bulldoze his way back into my life and before I knew it I was sucked in again.
    Ladies, when you think you are dealing with someone who has no real empathy beyond just a basically insensitive guy – to the point where it seems pathological – run like hell. These types will mess with your mind and think nothing of manipulating you for sex and then dumping you once you don’t dance to their beat, give them the ego stroke they need, etc. And he was still going to keep calling after I told him how hurt I was. His solution was to just not call every day, still refusing to let me join him on NYE so I would not be alone.
    I wish I had stopped contact with him years ago. I no longer believe in friends after a trying relationship with someone where they were not honest, lied to you, and used you. Forget it. I feel so stupid. But I am glad I got the chance to really let out the anger I had been struggling with for so long trying to figure out was going on with this guy all the time – why the game kept changing and he kept acting the part anyway. 
    My mother had always tried to stick up for him, but she always knew he was never going to make more a commitment to me – and this last thing really pissed her off. She said you must never speak to him or see him again. And that is what I am doing. I am finally free.

  12. 132
    Kezza

    Minime,
    Your comment was classic. I love the “breeding” analagy. It makes perfect sense. Good one!!

  13. 133
    Fleuretoile

    It’s not that complicated. You can remain in contact if you had a friendship to begin with and you both do not want anything more. This is tricky as you only know about yourself not them-unless you knew the person well enough to know how they are in general. It all depends on how it went. i think if you both loved each other and expressed that love then there is the possibility after both parties have moved on to remain in friendly contact from time to time.

    However the contact should not be too often in my opinion at least not for the first year. Also you should take a period of no contact after the breakup. In my case we broke things off in December of last year and around March we were able to start casual conversation.  I was involved with a guy who had a girlfriend (horrible I know! but the circumstances are very complicated- we were both living in a wretched thirld world country doing humanitarian work and I think we bonded over the stress and misery and danger around us). it was an instant attraction but when I found out he had a girlfriend, I backed down and then we agreed to avoid anything physical and we were friends but then we fell in love and then finally- physically cheated. He went back to his girlfriend and I went in to total no contact for two months. Then we began to contact each other from time to time (about once or twice a month) to chat about what’s going on in our lives and that’s it. His girlfriend knows everything and is ok with the fact that we are in contact because it is over. I also have wished him and her all the best. As someone I loved, I will always have love for him but I do not want to be with him. I am not in love with him anymore. But he is someone who knows me very well- we have a lot of shared experience and it is more at least on my side like a salute to that experience that we still keep in touch. I do not think we will ever meet again and I wouldn’t be surprised if we reach a point of just saying hi at birthdays and Christmas and I am cool with that.

    To be fair the guy is European and I am first generation American raised abroad, particularly in Europe, I think in Europe people feel differently about these kinds of things. 

    This being said, I had a guy that I broke up with that I still had feelings for that I stayed in contact with- that was a huge mistake, it ended up taking forever to get over him, I kept reading too much in to his attempts at contact and getting hurt all over again. At the end I ended up sending him a nasty mail etc.. Finally about two years later- I contacted him back to explain why i was so upset (stringing me along) he apologized and it was cool-I actually had no desire to remain in contact with him after all the pain but I was to blame also as i had kept in contact with him because I was trying to strategize him back in to my life.

    If you have moved on and you did enjoy your time with the person, you can have contact-(if your current partners are okay with it) from time to time. Cheers..

  14. 134
    Blessed with DivineLove

    I don’t “channel” the same message from the boyfriend. What I get is that he was feeling like he was being steered into something that didn’t feel right to him at a pace he wasn’t ready for. But that he cares about the personhood of the woman and wants to demonstrate that. He may have residual feelings for an old flame, von uncertain as to where he’s atBenoy be ready for a deeper relationship, got sex too easy and now is looking for something more moving, felt controlled or suffocated, he could gay or just saw an aspect of the woman that turned him off, perhaps he wants to step back and evaluate it objectively. This is the question to answer. What either caused him pain, fear, or disappointment?  It’s almost always one of those. 

  15. 135
    Whatever

    Basically, you think this guy was too good for you anyway, so you’re going to keep the lines of communication open even after he dumps you.  Please get some self-esteem.  
    I used to date a guy I thought was too good for me, so I pursued him.  He never took any initiative.  He would take the relationship as long as I provided it.  One day, after I got sick of him introducing me as his “friend” for the umpteenth time, I stopped all communication.  Just as I suspected, I had been doing 100% of the work.  I didn’t hear from him for six months.  Then, get this: He called and emailed saying he had realized the error of his ways.  He begged for a second chance — for the next few years.  Too late!  I had moved on right after I stopped all communication.  Besides, we had been together for the better part of a year, so he had months and months of second, third, fourth, fifth, –nth chances.
    This guy keeps texting you because you let him.  You are a placeholder until someone else shows up.  Then he will stop texting and maybe you’ll feel pretty bad.
    Show yourself some respect and others will follow.  Close that door and move on.

  16. 136
    women-get-attached

    Chris, it’s wrong for him to have a FWB relationship with her because she’s wants more than that kind of a relationship with him. He’d be leading her on because she’s hoping it will amount to more. If all she wanted was a FWB, then that would be different. She will end up heartbroken if she settles for this. If all he wants is FWB, the right thing for him to do would be to cut her loose and find someone else who just wants FWB.

  17. 137
    Angela

    Hi
     
    My ex broke up with me a year ago. He was going through an ugly divorce and has two teenagers. It was painful but I moved on. The last year end of November I saw he viewed my linked-in profile – I had deleted all contact with him (phone number, emails, contacts on linked-in) …. I have no idea why he did this, he didn’t leave a message or anything …. I’m just annoyed because it was gruelling effort to get over him and move on, and then he just rocks up like that, as if it’s okay? Its not okay to “stalk” someone when you chose to end things off.
    Why does a guy behave like that (he’s 45 years old, I’m 33). I get that a mature person (male or female) will suck it up, put their pride aside and make direct contact if they want to patch things up. I know I’m not going to put myself out there and ask him, my belief is if he wants to sort things out, he needs to do the grunt work ….
     
    However, I’m trying to not be my super analytical self and see this in very simple terms, why would he look me up a year later? A guys perspective is most encourgaed on this debacle ….
     
    Do men not realise that by doing that they’re potentially causing the other person’s feelings to resurface all over again? A bit of a selfish and self-absorbed act I think – not cool.
    Please comment? Thanks! :)

    1. 137.1
      henriette

      Angela – don’t read so much into it.  He viewed your Linked In page, probably not realising that you could see that he’d been there.  Most likely, he was just curious  (“Hmmm, I wonder what  ever happened to Ange…”) and googled you as well as a numer of other exes and old friends, just to see what you’re up to these days.  To think that means he could be interested in reuniting with you is an awfully far stretch. 

  18. 138
    Prjm

    Hi guys,
    I was in a similar situation, but everything happened online. So obviously that man wasn’t able to stay with me sexually but he still appeared after he dumped me. Why would he do so?
    Jane M

  19. 139
    Natalie Rados

    well I am a woman and the same reason I called men after I dumped them. Either I wanted to get lucky or waa just bored and wanted to hang with someone. That simple 

  20. 140
    Christina

    My ex broke up with me about a month ago. He said he wanted to be friends which I’m thinking yeah right but he contacted me a week later in the middle of the night for of course a booty call. Now for me I understand where everyone is coming from when they say you can do better and you don’t need that. Now personally I’d rather him call me for an occasional booty call then to stop talking to me completely. Like it boosts mine and I’m sure most woman’s self esteem to know that their ex is thinking about them and still wants them in some way even if it’s not a relationship. Personally he really broke my heart and I love him and I miss him, but the part I miss is the friendship. We would go and do everything together so apart of me feels like I lost my best friend. He knew more things about me then anyone else I’ve dated. So I feel I want to keep in contact to keep my friend even though it’s hard for me to get rid of my feelings.  My first real boyfriend and I dated a year back when I was 18 and we were engaged and we so I thought were so in love. We broke up on mutual terms concluding we just fought too much.  After the break up we remained civil until he started dating my friend and it was just a whole mess. Anyways about a year and a half later he got in contact with me and we met up to talk and I’ll tell you we’ve been great friends ever since. I feel you can be frienda with an ex but a lot of time has to go by and your feelings have to go away. Another ex I had broke up with me and I was ok with it but he did me so dirty that even though it’s been almost 3 years I still would never talk to him. Not because I still have feelings but because that’s not a person I need in my life. As far as my recent ex he said he needs some space and I mean he has a lot of family and personally issues going on so I can kind of understand I just wish I had the strength to ignore his calls amd texts. Not because I don’t want to see him it’s more because i don’t want to get more hurt. But let me tell you I’ve done the fwb thing and for me personally we always get back together but idk about this guy. It just sucks because I really love him and like I said it’s more as a friend. But like I said I can see why women would be happy to hear from an ex but also don’t get used or expect the worse so if it does end badly you’ll know it was coming.

  21. 141
    Princess

    Men are funny. I wrote some where on this site about my situation. I was talking to a guy that I liked. Things were going well. I thought. We’d been talking for about 5 weeks. No sex involved. Anyway one Saturday evening we were supposed to go out and instead he sent me a text about him feeling I’m not interested in him and we should pursue other options. I called him he didn’t pick up so I left him a VM. He never called me back. Fast forward two weeks. I got a text from a number I didn’t recognize (it was him. I deleted his number from my phone). He said he called me and just got my VM so we will talk later. I just about choked on my food! I was like “who is this?!?” Then I realized it was him. So basically he disappeared and decided to text me like nothing happened. I engaged him yesterday but today I will not. Basically I plan on calling him out on his bad behavior. He should either pick up the phone and call me so we can clear things up or he should stay gone… Oh he never calls! Always texts! 

    1. 141.1
      Karmic Equation

      Princess, 
       
      He’s not your boyfriend. If you want to date him ignore his past behavior and start fresh. But if he starts his sh*t again, dump him.
       
      Otherwise, you’re just stringing yourself along.

      1. 141.1.1
        Princess

        @karmic exactly why I won’t entertain texting as the ONLY form of communication. No thanks. if he starts that texting crap again I just won’t entertain it. It’s annoying. 

    2. 141.2
      AllHeart81

      Princess, this guy already showed you who he is. Please don’t give him another chance. Don’t even contact him to call him out on his bad behavior. Move on. You’re only going to end up in the same cycle with him. He’s not dependable. 

      1. 141.2.1
        Princess

        @AllHeart81. I agree. I just got out of a five year long relationship that was on again off again. Believe I won’t so that again. just like Evan said men behave badly because we let them. I can’t get sucked in if I don’t entertain him. He can go back to whence he came from… I’m totally ok. 

  22. 142
    Trisha

    OMG! I’m going through that situation now and I’m not sure what to do. I dated this guy for 5 years (engaged for 1 year) and he randomly called off the relationship after an agruement that we dragged out. We agrue off/on from time to time then make up after we cool off. This time he suggested maybe we try to be friends and see how things go because he’s tried of agruing… I am too. Honestly I can’t be friends with him because I love him. He still hasn’t told any of our friends about this split and he’s still in contact with me. He told me he still loves me… I’m not sure what to do. I feel like I should fight for the relationship… But at the same time, I shouldn’t have to fight to be in someone’s life.  

  23. 143
    Pavlove

    Sometimes a woman needs her emotional Hagen Daz
    But after that is done, she recovers and gets back on “the track” of her life.
    The Hagen Daz was her OBJECT to emotional comfort.
     
    Don’t be HIS Hagen Daz !!

  24. 144
    love

    im in the same position just recently.seeing this guy for few months and wanted me to stay with him but suddenly he changed his mind and decided that he cannot offer anything yet except friendship for now and it is best we better leave it that way but he wanted to be friends and say hi to each other from time to time..he wants us to see each other for coffee sometimes…he never mention about intimate or give a hint about sex in fact he made it clear that we can see each other in public and says that there is nothing wrong with that.i wanted to end everything but he doesnt want it…

  25. 145
    Ivana

    Hey Evan, Thnx a lot! Yeah, I think you are right, the boys do it, because we let them play! Thnx for the blog!

  26. 146
    Maryam

    i really needed to read all of this It gave me a good insight on how men think. He texts me once a year during holidays and thats more than enough reason to get me all messed up again.. I love him greatly, he is a great man.. we were engaged for a year, never had sex or anything.. Neither one of us went on any date since our break up.. I wish him the best in life. 

  27. 147
    Tiffany

    I just want to say that I am really grateful for this post and have book marked it because I know I will need it to bolster me in the upcoming months. My situation was basically exactly like Jen from NYC.

    Maybe one day I will have the courage to share my apparently not-so-unique- story, but for now I just want to say I appreciate those who have shared and – thank you. 
     

  28. 148
    amanda

    This was perfectly timed – love NWTBFOP – dated someone that was younger – he had a crush on me he says for years – I became available and we tried.  I ended up doing the majority of the work and he seemed to fit me in to his busy life.  We connected so well on many levels but ultimately I kept finding myself pulling back until finally he said he was done trying and we said our goodbye’s nicely…then text me a week later and we got in an argument of him saying I walked away only to have him confirm no, it was his decision and he’s sorry and wants me happy etc and we said goodbye – again.  Hard to believe my heart could be so broken with a man I dated 2 months but it is.  I planned to follow the NC rule – I unfriended on FB and mailed him his key in a simple card saying take care and be happy.  Now time to just move on and like I read above – short of him crying at the end of my driveway, no I will not be in touch or responding in the off chance he does reach out – this hurt way too much and I’m too old (44) for such pain.  Thanks Evan :)

  29. 149
    starthrower68

    Toying with your emotions is not love; it’s bad behavior. Even if he loves you, he ought to be moving heaven and earth to be with you if that’s what it takes. He’s just drifring in and out of your life as he pleases and you let him. Stop the insanity!

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