Why Would a Guy Keep in Touch After He Already Dumped Me?

Hi Evan,

I’ve been dating an amazing guy who’s only just recently become “too busy” for a relationship. I know that is really just code for him losing interest and that’s okay… Disappointing indeed, but okay.  Oddly though, he suggested that we have another conversation in a week’s time to see where things are at. Shortly after our breakup tonight, he sent me a text message saying he was sorry and that he’d really like to keep in touch. I told him I was open to that but that he’d have to take that step.

Evan, I’m OK with him not wanting to date me. To be honest, he is such an amazing guy (opposite of the loser musicians and wannabe actor types that I usually end up with) that I often wondered why he was dating me in the first place. But that’s obviously another issue. Why would he bother texting afterward or bother suggesting that we have another conversation about things in a week? I don’t get it. Why wouldn’t he just walk away after doing the dumping?

Just Dumped

Have you ever dumped someone, JD? It’s a horrible, horrible feeling, right up there with, well, being dumped. And this feeling, if you can imagine it, provides the full explanation for why people act inconsistent.

Step outside your own shoes and put yourself in your partner’s shoes.

As always, the best solution to being your own dating coach is to step outside your own shoes and put yourself in your partner’s shoes. Why would he possibly do what he did? There has to be some rationale. I’m just going to channel him right now and see what I can come up with:

“Well, I really like hanging out with JD, but I get the sense that she’s starting to get attached to me. And since I’m such an amazing guy, and I’m at a particularly busy time in my life, why would I want to tie myself down to just one person? Plus, the longer I continue to see her, the more I’m going to end up breaking her heart in the end. And I hate that feeling. I once dated this girl who strung me along for months and crushed my spirit, and I don’t want to do the same thing to JD. So I’m going to break up with her. Yeah. That’s the right thing to do.

Why do guys keep in touch after a break up?

Mostly because you let us.

On the other hand, it’s not like I ever promised to marry her or anything. I mean, she already knows I’m not fully committed. So maybe after I dump her, we’ll just stay in touch. Maybe do the occasional ‘friends with benefits’ thing. That way, I’m not technically hurting her. We have sex from time to time, I don’t have to commit, and I’m allowed to see other people. Perfect! If she lets me get away with it, she can’t get mad at me for being a creep. In fact, I think she likes me so much, she’ll just be glad to see me once every few weeks. I’m gonna send a text message to her and see how she feels…”

But that’s just my perspective as a 35-year-old single guy who has done the same exact thing. Why do we keep in touch with you after we break up? Mostly because you let us.

Readers? What do you think?

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Comments:

  1. 151
    Kreig

    Oh my this could not come at a better time.  I was dating someone for several months and he too broke it off for what ever the reason, but I later allowed him back into my life.  Just yesterday I told him that I need to not be his friend anymore. I was madly in love with him and he could not commit to me.  I heard the you are the most amazing woman speech and that I love you but not in love with you line too.  I still hurt, but I definitely needed to hear Evan’s advice today….very helpful and thank you.  Good Luck to you JD!! 

  2. 152
    Sandy

    Dear B T T W what sound advice I definitely will follow that script especially the 2month no type of contact…

  3. 153
    veronica

    All these sounds so familiar to me I was with a guy I new for some years started off as friends ended up in relationship at Least I though I was a rebound the whole time why him and his baby mama wasn’t getting along at all at the time he lied and munipulated me No sign of her and he’s like I love both of you sound like a cope out to me to have his cake and eat it he played games and a liar and when I got mad he gos to act like I have no reason to be mad he is a jerk and that is selfish 

  4. 154
    Illinois Girl

    Wow its been awhile since my last post. I just wanted to update that my ex cheated on me and married the woman he cheated on me with, then a few years later he contacted me again saying that she divorced HIM. (Can’t say I felt bad about this as he was a real snake to me) and he wanted to try again with me. I said no way. So then he has tried to connect with me atleast twice since then through social media and I block him every time. Now I am grateful that I never married him and in retrospect realize how lucky I was to get away from him. He is actually kind of a stalker. Uptown girl, while I do agree with what you are saying, I think it is important to understand that not everyone is coming from the same place you are and should not be judged but rather given compassion.. I am so glad that God protected me from marrying this man by him marrying someone else, but at the time it felt like my world was ending.

  5. 155
    Bree

    I love reading these responses – as they are giving me strength to move on. My boyfriend of 2 years told me he needed to take a break in our relationship. He sad that he loved some things about me but was not “in love” with me. He thought that if we took a break he would get better clarity in how he felt. He continues to text me daily (about non personal stuff) – it has only been 2 weeks. I don’t like the feeling of him controlling my destiny or the status of our relationship.

  6. 156
    spring

    well….interesting comments. I would say that if a man loves you- he knows very fast and he will always be back for emotional reasons and not sex. Real Love doesn’t go away even if circumstances and timing make relationship impossible at certain time. If a guy dumps u early on—-MOVE ON! Man know very fast what they want! At any event- always cut off even LOVE if they don’t treat you properly. I think the best way to cut is say what you looking for and set the bar….the one who loves you will live up to a challenge and the ones who don’t…..who needs them????
    I just realized that my best male friend ( I was stupid to think he was just a friend….) of 25 years was madly in love and felt rejected and started treating me like dirt…..with all the pain and suffering (and I know he loves me and scared to death to get hurt) …..I told him that he can’t treat me like that and Im letting him go as Im not a back up plan or an option….he still has growing up to do and Im sure I will hear from him eventually but it will be on my terms…SELF respect is a MUST!

  7. 157
    Stacey

    I really needed to read this article and the advice from others.  I just deleted all texts, his phone number, and unfriended on FB my ex (we only dated two months, but he broke up because he isn’t ready to settle down due to his recent divorce) who wants to try to keep being friends and have benefits.  I’m sad to just cut him out because he and I had a connection.  However, his feelings aren’t strong enough to want to be my boyfriend and I do deserve a full relationship, not a part-time friendship.   

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