Why Would a Guy Keep in Touch After He Already Dumped Me?

Hi Evan,

I’ve been dating an amazing guy who’s only just recently become “too busy” for a relationship. I know that is really just code for him losing interest and that’s okay… Disappointing indeed, but okay.  Oddly though, he suggested that we have another conversation in a week’s time to see where things are at. Shortly after our breakup tonight, he sent me a text message saying he was sorry and that he’d really like to keep in touch. I told him I was open to that but that he’d have to take that step.

Evan, I’m OK with him not wanting to date me. To be honest, he is such an amazing guy (opposite of the loser musicians and wannabe actor types that I usually end up with) that I often wondered why he was dating me in the first place. But that’s obviously another issue. Why would he bother texting afterward or bother suggesting that we have another conversation about things in a week? I don’t get it. Why wouldn’t he just walk away after doing the dumping?

Just Dumped

Have you ever dumped someone, JD? It’s a horrible, horrible feeling, right up there with, well, being dumped. And this feeling, if you can imagine it, provides the full explanation for why people act inconsistent.

Step outside your own shoes and put yourself in your partner’s shoes.

As always, the best solution to being your own dating coach is to step outside your own shoes and put yourself in your partner’s shoes. Why would he possibly do what he did? There has to be some rationale. I’m just going to channel him right now and see what I can come up with:

“Well, I really like hanging out with JD, but I get the sense that she’s starting to get attached to me. And since I’m such an amazing guy, and I’m at a particularly busy time in my life, why would I want to tie myself down to just one person? Plus, the longer I continue to see her, the more I’m going to end up breaking her heart in the end. And I hate that feeling. I once dated this girl who strung me along for months and crushed my spirit, and I don’t want to do the same thing to JD. So I’m going to break up with her. Yeah. That’s the right thing to do.

Why do men keep in touch after a break up?Mostly because you let us.

On the other hand, it’s not like I ever promised to marry her or anything. I mean, she already knows I’m not fully committed. So maybe after I dump her, we’ll just stay in touch. Maybe do the occasional ‘friends with benefits’ thing. That way, I’m not technically hurting her. We have sex from time to time, I don’t have to commit, and I’m allowed to see other people. Perfect! If she lets me get away with it, she can’t get mad at me for being a creep. In fact, I think she likes me so much, she’ll just be glad to see me once every few weeks. I’m gonna send a text message to her and see how she feels…”

But that’s just my perspective as a guy who has done the same exact thing. Why do men keep in touch with you after we break up? Mostly because you let us.

Readers? What do you think?

Join our conversation (229 Comments).
Click Here To Leave Your Comment Below.

Comments:

  1. 181
    Welshmiss

    i am at a loss to understand why the man I dated for four years ended our relationship on our Fourth Anniversary above all times! I truly loved him and took good care of him as he wasn’t in the best of health. This was one of those feelings we get when something is wrong, not saying a word over dinner and many other clues. I finally decided I deserved better than this and suggested we end it, all he said was “Okay” just like that, not even bothering to ask why, or could we work things out. Strange thing is he has called, but I have to admit it is to brag! He just told me she has lost 65 pounds….I don’t need to hear this! The man doesn’t seem to get it how much he has hurt me. I would never get back together with him even if he begged. They say nothing is deader than a dead love, very true. I wish him well but that’s as far as I go. I am older and feel zi lesrned from this experience. Wishing you all a happy new year,

    1. 181.1
      Karl R

      Welshmiss said:

      “i am at a loss to understand why the man I dated for four years ended our relationship on our Fourth Anniversary above all times!”

      “I finally decided I deserved better than this and suggested we end it, all he said was ‘Okay’ just like that,”

      Your story is internally inconsistent.  You suggested that the two of you end the relationship, but you also claim that he ended it.  If you want to know why your relationship ended on your 4th anniversary, look in the mirror and ask yourself why.

       

      Welshmiss said:

      “The man doesn’t seem to get it how much he has hurt me.”

      I don’t get it either.  Did he hurt you by not asking why you broke up with him?  Did he hurt you by not asking you if you all could work things out?  Did he hurt you by not begging you to stay?

      You already said that you wouldn’t take him back even if he begged, which provides an excellent reason for him not to beg.

      You hurt him when you broke up with him.  And you apparently don’t seem to get that.

       

      Welshmiss said:

      “I am older and feel zi lesrned from this experience.”

      How do you learn from an experience without first understanding the experience?

      You broke up with him, but you blame him for the breakup.

      You decided to break up, rather than suggesting ways to work things out, but you think he should have asked about whether you two could work things out.

      You want better, and don’t want him back, but you’re “hurt” that he doesn’t want you back.

       

      What have you learned from this?

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *