Comments on: Want to Take Control Of Your Love Life? Let Go Of Control!

By: Cat

Cat — Sat, 12 Mar 2011 21:22:02 +0000

Melissa, #32: Don’t worry, there is definitely a wonderful middle ground between “Respect yourself and stay single and die or have a little fun stay single and have sex but end up ultimately alone.” Read this blog and you’re well on your way towards finding that middle ground.

By: Melissa

Melissa — Sat, 12 Mar 2011 20:27:28 +0000

Hi Evan,

Really interesting article, bit I have to say this makes me really sad. No matter what anyone’s says bottom line men and women are different and will never be the same. Letting go and doing nothing is extremely passive and I can see where this leads to a bunch of flat out mind games in the future. We women struggled for equal rights and the whole sexual revolution and where did that leave us… Unempowered and struggling in relationship after another because we are not supposed to chase me they are supposed to chase us. Every guy who has chased me, I have not liked one bit. And the guys I’ve chased seemed to turn the relationships quickly into sexual only relationships. I think that we are in for a lot worse time until. Men become more of a scarcity and value women more. To get back to the subject I allowed one guy to chase me but found myself disgusted by his looks and didn’t want to touch him anymore because I was grossed out.
Maybe it’s better just to be friends and not even take a relationship to the next level. People are really messed up and men need to take responsibility for this as well as women. Respect yourself and stay single and die or have a little fun stay single and have sex but end up ultimately alone.

The truth sucks and that’s that. Men have to chase women.

By: Ani

Ani — Mon, 07 Mar 2011 00:08:07 +0000

But should you always be passive? I’m in a long distance relationship with a guy I have known for almost a year but been dating for about 3 months. He himself has been chasing me to visit him as due to work commitments he is unable to. I booked my flight to go see him in a months time but since then though in touch at times via bbm (not sure whether to love or hate this device!) I feel we haven’t really spoken at all. I know he works crazy hours and by the time he finishes and due to time difference I’m asleep when he finishes. I have called as have been having some concerns but due to time difference and being at work/sleep haven’t had a call back yet. Just msgs to say he was asleep/busy working but then ends them with sweet some(no)things……am finding it very hard to stay passive!

By: BloggyDaddy

BloggyDaddy — Wed, 02 Mar 2011 19:36:29 +0000

Interesting food for thought Evan.
The last woman I dated drove me away by by consistently trying to control everything and it really made things difficult.
I want to enjoy the time I spend with a woman, not worry that I’m walking on eggshells. If I bring her flowers and cards, call and text all the time and try to spend as much time as I can with her I don’t want to have to explain away the times I’m not with her or chose to spend time with my kids.
It really ruined what I thought was turning into a great thing real fast.

By: Laine

Laine — Tue, 01 Mar 2011 18:46:11 +0000

# 28 You are nevertheless playing just a different sort of game and will attract a particular type of woman, one that perhaps likes to take on the masculine role, or one that is unable to give you some space after a date, where you will have time to think about her. Evan goes into this in some detail in ‘why he disappeared’. Differences in female/male energy does not mean the relationship will be unequal. I am sure neither of you are left wondering and also sure there would be no mystery and not much excitement in your dating style. In psychology this is known as the “parallel” type relationship and usually develops into the couple being bored with each other fairly quickly.

By: Still Looking

Still Looking — Mon, 28 Feb 2011 20:10:45 +0000

Laine @ 26. You stated, “You don’t sound like an Alpha Male.”
You’re right and I’ll take that as a compliment. I leave my Alpha Male persona at the office and tone it down for my private life.
As EMC stated in “Your Searching for the Wrong Men”:
“Contrast that with the flaws of the alpha male – who can be condescending, aloof, emotionally unavailable, commitment-phobic, and self-obsessed.”
I’m looking for a partner, not a follower, and I’d like to establish equality in the relationship as early as possible. My ego isn’t going to be bruised because a woman sends me a text before I send her one nor will I feel she is an alpha female because she is willing to express her preferences for an evening out when I ask. The only role playing I enjoy is me being myself and my date being herself. That way neither of us is left wondering, what is the other person really like.

By: Leslie

Leslie — Mon, 28 Feb 2011 18:48:04 +0000

Thank you for writing this post. I have had plenty of good first dates that went nowhere. I’ve learned something from all of them that has put me in a really good place to know what I’m looking for. Failed experiences are learning experiences!
I’m a strong, confident woman that is a former pro athlete. I finally met someone that challenges me.

And what Evan said is completely true. I don’t try to control anything in our relationship I’m helpful and receptive to his needs, but that is it. He corresponds with me everyday. And I know when he’s ready to talk about something, he’ll bring it up. He likes a little mystery and I’m ok with that. In time all things reveal themselves. Let things take time, ladies and enjoy the ride!

By: Laine

Laine — Mon, 28 Feb 2011 15:35:58 +0000

Still looking. You dont sound like an Alpha Male.

By: Linda

Linda — Mon, 28 Feb 2011 15:22:07 +0000

Evan, I love this advice. Do nothing. It is so empowering and you are so right when you say his state of mind really has nothing to do with you. There are a million reasons any man will do what he does or react like he does or go where he goes. When you do nothing, the weight of the whole relationship comes right off your shoulders. Thank you!!

By: Zann

Zann — Mon, 28 Feb 2011 06:49:15 +0000

@ Rosy #12
I’m 58, and I definitely feel the same “mirroring” guidelines apply. I hear what you’re saying about the guy who seems adrift, is maybe just out of a long-term marriage and seems unsure of how to negotiate the dating world. But he has to learn how & no amount of nudging on your part is really going to change that. If you send him an upbeat, well-wishing “hello” followup email, he may respond even though otherwise you wouldn’t have heard from him again;, but to me, that’s just kind of putting off the inevitable. You want the guy who wants to make the effort, who wants to get to know you better..so much so that he’s willing to stretch himself, maybe go outside his comfort zone a little, and proactively pursue you. Otherwise, you wind up “fostering” a relationship, nursing it along, and that’s where you will remain — it’s a dead end. Regardless of his age, if he’s not ready to pursue a woman who interests him, he’s not ready for dating…and he’s certainly not ready for you….because you want a man who’s ready, willing, and totally able. Don’t let your age make you feel you have to do the pursuing. To the right man, you are just as pursuit-worthy and just as attractive as any other woman in the dating pool.
P.S. I think the term “passivity” gets misinterpreted as meaning dormant or unenthusiastic. It conjures up an image of the woman sitting by the phone hoping he’ll call. I prefer Evan’s term of “mirroring,” which to me means letting the man take the action (indicating he’s interested) and then I respond if I’m also interested. It doesn’t always feel natural or comfortable, but it really is the best way of knowing whether a guy is truly interested in me.