What Do Guys In Their 20’s Want With Women In Their 40’s?
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I am in my mid-forties and I have been online dating off and on for about 2½ years and dating in general for 4 years. I am a year and a half out of a relationship and in that time, I have found only one guy I was interested in but he did the vanishing act. I have probably more dates than the average woman and I just can’t seem to find a guy I want to date. I am often told I am beautiful and I look about 10 years younger than I my age. I get contacted by a fair number of guys in their 20’s and most I don’t respond to because I just feel it won’t go anywhere. Recently, however, I was contacted by a guy in his mid-twenties and I was impressed by his profile…he’s mature, intelligent, articulate and attractive. I started up a correspondence with him. I was curious. But I still feel that maybe it’s a mistake…what do I really have in common with this guy? After all, I am twenty years older than he is.
In your opinion, what do guys in their twenties really expect and/or want when contacting an older woman? The youngest guy I have ever been out with is 33.
Thanks for your insight. I really enjoy reading your blog and I feel that of many so-called dating experts that you are right on!
Carla
Thanks, Coug–, uh Carla. As a so-called dating expert, I really appreciate the kind words!
Which is why I’m sure you’re going to be completely receptive to this:
You’re wasting your time with this kid.
Okay, that’s not fair. Let me use more words to say it:
If you’re looking for a long-term relationship, you’re most likely wasting your time with this kid. However, if you’re looking for good, clean (and not-so-clean) fun with a young stallion, you can have an amazing time. In fact, I would encourage you to do so. And take lots of pictures.
If you’re looking for a long-term relationship, you’re most likely wasting your time with this kid. However, if you’re looking for good, clean (and not-so-clean) fun with a young stallion, you can have an amazing time.
See, I’m not here to set the rules for society. I’m here to observe society and report back to you how things USUALLY work out. And for every Demi and Ashton (Celebrities, They’re Just Like Us!), there are thousands of other instances of cross-generational relationships that die a quick, painless death. Why? Because he was born in the 80’s, right about the time that you were losing your virginity in college. Because he’s been in the workforce for oh, about four years. Because he may be a great communicator, mature for his age, and relationship minded, but he’s also, y’know, a BABY.
You know how I know this? Because I’M that guy. I’ve ALWAYS loved older women. I was with a 35 year old woman when I was 20. I used to flirt with my mom’s friends. And when all my friends would make fun of me and say, “Why would you date an older woman when you could date a younger woman?”, I’d say, “Why would you date a younger woman when you can date an older woman?”. …
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103 Comments »Filed Under Dating, Sex
Marc F. 1
“What do guys in their twenties really expect and/or want when contacting an older woman?”
To get laid! Plain and simple. Maybe not all of them, and maybe not this particular guy, but most guys in their 20s think an older woman is easier and hornier than women their own age. That’s what I thought when I was a schmucky 20 something, and so did my friends. I would proceed with caution, if you’re looking for something more than a fling with a young stud.
Steve 2
First, I predict that this thread will be very long.
Evan made all good points, but I don’t think he answered the question as to why men in their 20s find older women interesting.
My guess would be greater sexual and emotional intimacy without fear. Women their own age are expecting them to be the man, the leader of the relationship, the decision maker. Somehow that expectation might not be there with a partner who is older. These younger men can relax. They can open themselves up to being more vulnerable and openup to receiving more sexual/psychological pleasure.
As Evan mentioned, men in their 20s and women in their 40s are both at their sexual peak. Both groups seem more interested in sex and with fewer preliminaries.
Going down a few notches I think there is also the appeal of the forbidden and the appeal of the trendy, which seem to intersecting right now.
Speaking only for myself, when I was 14 I found women aged between the mid 30s – mid 40s to be the most interesting. They were easier to talk to. Girls my own age only wanted to talk about music and various brands of beer. Boring! *Women* I met were interested in eastern philosophy, yoga (not trendy back in the stone ages ), literature, sci-fi, etc… The conversations were interesting and these conversations were easily started with these women who were comfortable with being assertive, voicing their ideas. They were good looking too. The complete package. At that time in my life talking to good looking *girls* was still a bit intimidating and when I made the effort I was only rewarded with dull conversations.
Now that I am within their age range I still find this set of women interesting and I’m guessing that when I am beyond their age range I will still find them interesting.
The only reasons I date younger women are:
- these women don’t seem to be out and about in my venues
- they can’t relax and enjoy a date. They have an agenda and
interrogate me, looking for signs. They may be subtle to other
guys but I see through it and it turns me off.
- they are unconfident about being desirable and that makes them
act and seem less desirable.
- they gave up on taking care of themselves…physically and/or
psychologically.
Still, this group would be my first choice. I just find it so exciting to have conversations with people who understand all of my cultural references and who have their own insights from having lived to add to my own
Damie 3
I have a very close friend in her early 50s who looks AMAZING for her age, plays bass in a rock band, is a very lively active woman with lots of young interests. When I hang out with her very seldom do I feel like I’m with “my mother.”
She is approached by younger guys, guys in their late 20s, ALL the time for dates. She goes out with some of them. She falls in love with some of them. And in every instance they always say they love her for her and that the age thing doesn’t matter. Until a few months goes by…
They want to settle down and have a real serious girlfriend they can take home to mom, and all of a sudden it starts to weird them out that my friend could BE their mom. They love hanging with her but are often embarassed to bring her around their friends. In every single case, it’s been, as Evan said, doomed. And it brings a lot of depression to my friend.
So, in my opinion, stay within your age range and steer clear of the youngins. They just want to play.
BeenThruTheWars 4
I was 44 when I met my now-husband. He was 33. The 11-year age difference has made very little difference in our relationship. He is kind of an old soul and had no desire to have kids. I don’t have or want kids either, and he was delighted to be dating someone who did NOT have the whole desperate marriage-and-kids agenda (as women his age definitely did). The only real difference I’ve noticed is where we are in our careers relative to each other. I am entering my peak years, starting to think about retiring in ten years if all goes well, and he is still in the building phase. Sometimes I find myself mentoring him and I need to step back and cut it out unless he’s asked for suggestions or advice. He has more energy than I do, but not enough to create problems. That said, we are only 11 years apart, not twenty-five.
Would I have dated a 20-year-old when I was 43? Well, I went out with a couple 29-year-olds… the lower age limit of the guys who asked… and we didn’t click. Guys in their twenties were, to me, terribly earnest and always seemed to be trying to prove how cool and mature they were. It usually wound up being more amusing to me than anything. I just couldn’t take them seriously. I would refer to them as “the lads” or “young master So-and-So” to my friends, who teased me about my boy toys. But if this particular guy you are impressed with wants to take you out on a date, go. What do you have to lose? Have dinner with him, see if he’s for real. You never know who the great love of your life is going to be. I certainly wasn’t expecting mine to be a never-married, still-partying hearty guy in his early 30s; but he’s grown up a lot, and I’ve stayed open minded, and we get along like a house on fire. I truly do expect to be with him until death do us part.
Steve 5
Carla;
Ditto on Damie’s & Evan’s warning. I’ve felt and reacted the way the men Damie’s friend dated responded. If you want to avoid getting hurt don’t expect anything more than hot sex and friendship from a younger a much younger guy.
Selena 6
I believe men have a biological clock too. Men in their 20′s & 30′s may say they don’t want kids (or may mistakenly believe they are sterile) but may start to feel otherwise as they approach 40. If you are a woman in her 40′s-60′s you are biologically done with that, and may well not want to start the childrearing process through adoption either. Something to think about when contemplating dating someone much younger with LTR in mind.
Also, at any age you might find you relate well to an individual(s) who are much younger, but come to find out not on every level. The 20′s are such a decade of change, it shouldn’t come as a surprise (but often does) that a younger partner “outgrows you”, the relationship that was fine for awhile no longer is. This happened to two of my late-30′s friends, who found their “soulmate” with someone in his early 20′s. Each relationship lasted less than 2 yrs.
If a dalliance is okay go for it. But if you are wistful for someone to grow old with, dating out of your generation is not an ideal place to look. For both genders.
Steve 7
Selena Feb 28th 2008 at 01:29 pm 6
If you are a woman in her 40′s-60′s you are biologically done with that, and may well not want to start the childrearing process through adoption either.
If I go to match.com ( or any site ) and set the filter to only return women who do not want children I will get hardly any adds back. I see many adds from women in their late 30′s -> mid 40′s who put down “undecided” for “Want kids?” Who are they kidding? Fertility treatments are brutal, expensive, and they don’t work as well as everyone thinks. Adoption takes years of bureaucracy and frustration. Nothing against women who don’t have children. That is what I am looking for.
verbosity 8
What Do Guys In Their 20′s Want With Women In Their 40′s?
1. Sex without attachment
2. Sex without (or far less likely) risk of pregnancy
If I think about it, I would guess that there’s a bit of a group-think or trend following thing going on. This whole ‘coug’ trend (or more wide acceptance) may be a ‘cool’ thing to do. BTW, the coug, thing is based on one night stands, or ‘chance’ encounters. Then again, maybe Oedipus is rearing his head. Who knows?
Selena 9
Steve,
I’d venture that a majority of women have already had kids by the time they reach their mid-40′s. Not everyone ofcourse, but my post was geared toward a mid-40′s woman hooking up with a man 20 yrs. younger who didn’t want kids THEN, but might well find he wanted them later on. And later on for him could mean when he was 35-45, at which point SHE would be 55-65. I’m just speculating that there are fewer women who would want to start the childrearing process as they near retirement age.
As a woman in my mid-40′s with a grown son, I would check the want kids? box No. I don’t know what to make of women over 40 checking ‘undecided’. Maybe they really are, or maybe (like you) they’ve found they get far fewer responses if they check No. All about getting your foot in the door, perhaps?
hunter 10
..sad to say, not all older women are fun rides, there are some, that are terrible in bed…and we try to teach them, but they seem to be set in their ways….back to the post…the older woman, younger man is very common in most of Europe….
Lynn 11
Many of we older women in our 40′s check the “undecided” box for the “want kids?” question because we have arrived at a place where we realize that having kids may not be in the cards for us, and we are ok with that. but if children were conceived, by chance, in a solid relationship, as has happened for at least 3 of my women friends in their 40′s, then that would be ok, too. Or, if a man who had children during a previous relationship brought kids with him as a package deal, then we just may be very open to that concept. . . . .
Selena 12
Lynn,
Since many singles in their mid-forties already have kids, I can see how checking a want kids? box “undecided” would equate to checking an “okay with me if YOU have kids” box. I haven’t tried on-line dating, I don’t know a thing about what boxes they have for screening purposes.
Steve 13
Lynn;
I never would have guessed that. The fact that I ( and likely other men ) never would have guessed is probably a good reason for dating sites to offer more choices for the answer to “want kids?” question.
El 14
I totally agree Evan. These relationships usually won’t last so why bother, unless you’re just looking for a little fun. I’m 40 and have younger guys write to me quite often. Usually I don’t respond, but occasionally I’ll ask them why they aren’t writing to someone their own age. They usually say, older women know what they want.
Yep and this older woman would rather have someone her own age.
naturegirl 15
Selena and Lynn-
I agree. The “want kids” option on match.com does not provide adequate choices for those of us with kids already. Sure, I want the kids I already have, and would welcome the kids of a boyfriend, but don’t want to create any new children. Where’s the option for that?
Stifler's Mom 16
Isn’t an Oedipal Complex a legit thing for some younger men, to be attracted to women roughly their mother’s age? Haven’t done the research there.
Evan’s take and most of the comments seem in consensus: older women with much younger men equals sex and fun. Sweet.
I’ve dated 3 older women, all mothers, not with the same age differential as the emailer. I’ve noticed they all had a couple of qualities in common: a) very laid back in a dating sense, b) strong game, which made it very easy to flirt and have fun on dates (this is like saying they make good dance partners), c) great sex.
trouble 17
I’ve dated a couple of younger guys. In fact, the first guy I dated after my divorce was 27 to my 39. Our relationship was sweet, fun, and sexy. He reminded me just how much living I still had to do, that I was still sexy, and that dating could be fun. In fact, every man I’ve dated since that time probably owes my friend KC a debt of gratitude as he helped me avoid the bitter divorcee phase.
I wasn’t bitter, I was having the time of my life.
I’d give these flings 4-5 months, max, which is about as long as you can date across this sort of age divide and enjoy it. For me, at least, after 4-5 months, I really started wanting someone my own age that remembered and could dance to The Cure.
We’re still friends though, and if you don’t take it too seriously, that’s definitely a side advantage, I’d say we’re both rather protective of one another, and give each other good advice.
I definitely have no regrets.
Nervous Nellie 18
I am 44 years old. I met a 26-year-old guy online last September for what was supposed to be a casual relationship. In December, he wanted to try having a full-blown, exclusive relationship. A couple of times, I broke it off because his job requires a lot of travel and he was always tired and sometimes canceled dates at the last minute. He would leave me alone for a couple of weeks and then contact me.
I would tell him I would not mind going back to the casual relationship, i.e., he and I could see other people in addition to each other. However, he did not want to do that.
We have been doing well for the past couple of months or so. We talk openly about what we want from the relationship. I have an 11-year-old daughter. He has made it clear from the beginning that he does not want any children. I was engaged a few years ago and my ex-fiance and I tried to have a child for a year (he is younger and has 2). Ditto with the boyfriend after him. So, I did not think I could not get pregnant. Well, with current boyfriend (the 26-year-old), I did get pregnant, but miscarried after 6 weeks. Boyfriend said he would have lived up to his responsibilities had I gone to term. However, he was very relieved that I miscarried and is now convinced he does not want children.
I read through this thread and am now very nervous. It seems that none of you give a relationship like this a chance.
m 19
NN:
Some of us do. It’s just that when the gender-polarized vitriol gets thick on the ground, we don’t always comment.
As an individual or a couple, if you’re at all different in the world — and, it seems, especially in America — it’s all about the amount of social pressure you can withstand (or elude, for that matter).
At the end of the day, it seems to me that it’s about the two people in the relationship — their experiences, how they’ve been socialized, how compatible they are, and how much they want to be with — and stay with — each other.
Selena 20
NN–
No one can predict how long a relationship will last. Not even people who are whole heartedly committed on their wedding day, as statistics prove out. If you are enjoying your relationship with the 26 yr. old, why not just go with the flow without making predictions for the future?
Nervous Nellie 21
M,
What “gender-polarized vitriol” are you talking about? And how come this “May-Dec” type relationship is not as much of an issue when the MAN is the one who is much older?
And as far as being “different,” well I am a 44-year-old with my own law practice. I am represented by 2 model and talent agencies, I take boxing classes and still do gymnastics. I weigh as much as I did in high school. Thanks to good genes, I look much younger than my years – no wrinkles or gray (my parents are from the Philippines). Oh. And I am inked and pierced.
So, I am not as concerned as what society thinks of me. But as far as investing my heart in this relationship with someone so much younger, in light of the previous posts…that is what makes me nervous.
Nervous Nellie 22
Selena,
I had married my college sweetheart. Marriage lasted 13 years. Therefore, what you said was right. As for “going with the flow,” I am trying to do just that and taking things one day at a time. As for investing my heart totally, I am still nervous about that.
hotlips 23
There are as many kinds of love as there are people in the world.
After 7 years and one child with a man 17 years my junior I have to say it’s way more than fun and hot sex. We have built a business together, are raising a child together, he’s been hospitalized for a serious chronic illness, we are buying another peice of property together-you know, all the things same age couples do together.
He wants to get married too. After 7 years together he just might be breaking through my no marriage barrier. It’s me not him that hasn’t wanted to totally commit. It isn’t because of the age thing that I don’t seek marriage but because a bad divorce taught me that you can really get taken for a ride in a divorce and I don’t want to do that again. But he thinks it is important and it is becoming important to our daughter so I just might do the deed with a younger man-with pre-nup in place. (I would have a pre-nup with ANYONE)
Nervous Nellie 24
hotlips,
Your post was certainly encouraging. Like you, I am nervous about remarrying. Boyfriend did express a concern about that. And he wants me to meet his parents–mother is only 3 years older than I am. Stepfather is about 13 years older. I think his biological father is almost 10 years older than I am. Did you discuss the prenup issue with your bf?
hotlips 25
Because he knew me when I was going through my divorce (as a friend) he knew all a long about my allergy to marriage and my strong belief in pre-nups. Still he took the leap and had a relationship with me.
The younger guy has a risk too. Marriage can mean a claim to half of all his future retirement benefits, alimony, child support if you have kids together. Men tend to earn more than women out the gate. Yes, my guy is only 26 but ALREADY planning for retirement and was thinking about this stuff at 18. He’s a freak that way. So was I at his age.
Age aside, I recommend Everyone read the book The Courage to be Rich by Ormond. She discusses what marriage can mean financially, pre-nuptual agreements, how to divide expenses based on varying incomes or goals. Everyone should know about this no matter what age their partner is.
I entered this relationship with no expectations of it being long term because of what other people believed and articles like this. But my experience has been different than the apparent cultural norm. I really think Americans sort of look for the negative. If something isn’t “normal” (whatever that is) then it must be bad.
I find it amusing that the people who had negative things to say about our relationship or gossiped about how “It would never last” are majorly unhappy in their own relationships and we are happy. I know same age couples that have been married and divorced, with horrific court battles, in the time we’ve been together. Truly, the only negatives in our life are health issues and their HIS.
Nervous Nellie 26
hotlips,
I am in much better physical shape than my bf, who is also 26 (27 this month). Basically, my ‘negative’ is that he will change his mind about having children someday. So my choices are enjoy things and take things one day and a time, or break it off and find someone closer to my own age, who already has children. Either break my own heart now, or risk having it broken in the future….
Elena 27
I am the one whose man is much older. I am 25 and he is 50. We’ve been together for half a year and so far everything’s been just fine. Our relation is based on true love,trust and understanding.I don’t see it much of an issue being involved into a relation with an older guy.He is in a very good shape, fit and active and full of energy. Maybe it sounds weird but I have almost never been attracted to young boys of my age. I just don’t find them enough mature,interesting,responsible,smart,etc…There hasn’t been a single one young guy,who could satisfy my emotional and sexual needs. My boyfriend on the contrary does it perfectly well. We are very attached to each other, however he gets confused sometimes with our age difference. It seems to be difficult for him to put up with the idea that I actually could be his daughter, although he has never had children. My parents are against our relation. They think its completely insane of me. My friends keep telling that it won’t last long. But I just ignore their remarks. Despite all the negativity our love is growing stronger day after day. I fully believe in us and our future, in fact I would like to marry him and have kids. It’s his wish as well. I really don’t see what is the problem and to my point of view every relation, if based on true feelings should be given a chance. There is no such thing as “do’s and dont’s” in love life. Everything is OK and acceptable as long as it makes both partners happy and the age issue should be the last problem to worry about.
Collins 28
First off, Kutcher was actually born in 1978.
That said, older women dating/marrying younger men is nothing new. Two of my great-great-grandparents were such a couple; she was born in 1848, he in 1862. They came to the States from Sweden & married in 1886. The age difference may have kept them from having more than 2 children (the older of whom was my great-grandma) but they remained married till death did them part.
More than a century after my great-great-grandparents’ marriage, I often gravitate toward older women myself, for the following reasons:
1. Many are divorced & already have kids; thus they’re less likely to want any by me (I want none of my own).
2. Most are long established in their careers, & thus less likely to depend on me financially.
Even so, I wouldn’t rule out a woman my own age, or even up to 10 years younger, just so she loves me for me & not for my money or what I can buy with it.
Nervous Nellie 29
Collins,
Just curious. Why don’t you want any children? My bf has been steadfast in his desire not to have any children.
Collins 30
Nellie,
Long story short, having kids is not for everyone, of either gender. Raising children is hard work, harder now than ever, & harder than some people (including me) can handle. Plus, with world pop’n over 6 billion & growing fast, I wouldn’t want to bring a kid into a world with dirty air & water.
As for you & your guy, if you want kids & he does not, then it may be time to reassess whether you & he should stay together or not.
Now, I’m afraid we’re going off topic, so I’ll say no more. But thanks for asking.
Tracy 31
I just want to know where Steve is… (or where the Steve’s of the world are?). Has it occurred to – anyone other than myself, that most women in their 40′s are clear that they may meet someone divorced who has kids…? They may not want kids themselves, but are okay with being a step mother. I cannot have children and have come to the realization that at 50 I may meet someone who has them already. I don’t want to raise/rear any of my own at this late date, but am willing to be a weekend co-parent. BTW – I am mainly approached by men in their mid thirties.
Selena 32
Tracy,
Steve I believe, is in the D.C. area. You’re not the only 40 something who’d like to meet a Steve-like man, yeah, where are they?
Steve,
Are you sure you can’t find the time to take over the blog? You’re balanced perspective and the way you present yourself is well respected around here.
Selena
Cilla 33
I’m bumping this today, as I’ve had a lot of correspondence lately on dating sites from considerably younger men (I’m 46 and the last two were 31 and 23, respectively). I immediately dismissed the 23-year-old, since I have a 17-year-old son, and thought it would be a little creepy dating someone nearly his age. And then I went to a sporting activity tonight and met another 23-year-old who made my knees buckle! If he were to show any interest in me romantically, I don’t know that I could turn him away.
The men in my age group seem to be bitter and resentful about women my age. I think they are still reeling from their divorces and want women who are much younger than their ex-wives. For those of us in our forties, that leaves the older gents (some of whom are great, but many of whom are just too old) and the young bucks.
The younger men seem to hold women my age in higher regard and appreciate the whole person. They say older women treat them better, and women in their twenties are mean and fickle. Like others have posted, they also appreciate that we are comfortable financially and sexually–two things that take a lot of pressure off them in the relationship.
I say go into a May-December romance with your eyes wide open. It may not be destined for a long life, but then again, it may be just what the parties need at the time. If you agree to have fun and re-evaluate if it starts to turn serious, why not?
Tam 34
Hi. I’m 44 and get hit on alot by younger guys. I have to agree with hem and say I don’t. I have one now who has a big crush on me and have a son 21. I’ve told him I thought the age thing was a huge issue and I run into him all the time and just grins (they are so adorable). Having to hide the fact that we would date would also be an issue for me.
Jeanne 35
This is so depressing and reinforces the sad mantra that all men are pigs. Its ok for men to be with women young enough to be their daughters but if the genders are reversed, the older woman is just a booty call.
james 36
Jeanne – that’s a very rude thing to say. Funny how you could boil down a couple pages of intelligent discussion in to such an assanine statement. All men are not “pigs”, but YOU are very RUDE.
Cilla 37
My 17-year-old son asked me over dinner the other night how my dating life was going. I told him about a few people and mentioned one guy who was interested in me, but the relationship wasn’t going anywhere because he was 29 and eventually wanted a family (I’m 47 and don’t want more kids).
“Mom!” he cried. “That puts you in cougar territory. I don’t know if I can handle that.”
I replied, “Wouldn’t you rather have a cougar mom than one of those dried up old farts that you see at school events?”
He thought about it for a moment and said, “I guess so. I should be pretty proud to have a mom who is hot enough to date guys in their twenties.”
If my own kid is OK with it, I don’t care what the rest of society thinks. Pretend you’re in Europe where anything goes!
Lila 38
There is a 21 year old guy interested in me and I am 30 years old. I am often told I look really young for my age but if people ask me about my age, I know that I will feel a bit self conscious. I am just used to dating men who are older.
The other nite, he wanted me to meet his brother and go to a party with them. I agreed. His brother was nice but after an hour of only talking about all his drunken experiences, and the fact that he’s underage? Well, I was so bored, I just got out of there.
Not to mention that I can’t imagine being at a party with underage drinking and the cops showing up… lol
My friend says that I am acting like an old maid and that 9 years isn’t that big of a difference. To which, I told her she’s crazy.
caley 39
I am so confused!!! I am 34 and have been divorced for 5 years and I have a 5 year old son!! My son happens to be friends with a 7 year old who has a 20 year old brother and he litterally makes my stomach drop???!!! I am also very good friends with his mom. Is this just terrible? Since my divorce, I have dated but nobody made me laugh like this guy does? What do I do – should I just let it go? He seems to be interested but i’m not sure – HELP!!
Alexy 40
I am 44 and have been dating my guy who is 26 for over a year. I am involved in a number of areas of his life, we spend a lot of time together. And there are times he does not want to be in a committed relationship and I go with the flow, but lately he has been very jealous and does not want me dating other guys–sometimes I feel like he is my husband. If I try to end it, he does not want to end it–what does this say–I am not sure. I have fun, however I do go out on dates with other people. Should I take him seriously, not sure–for now I just enjoy our time together. We click on so many levels, we can talk for ours about everything, from sports, to CNN and NPR amongst other things.
I have learned a lot from him and he has learned a lot from me.
Who knows.
Karl R 41
Caley, (#39)
Without knowing all the details, I would recommend that you just let it go.
Things to consider:
1) If he’s interested, he may be trying to conceal that interest. That’s what I did (at that age & younger) when I had a crush on women who were inappropriate to date. Why tempt him when he’s working so hard to act appropriately?
2) At some point in his teenage years, your son will have a crush on someone much older than him. Try explaining to him why it’s wrong for him to date someone 14+ years older, when it’s okay for you.
3) Most 20 year olds haven’t taken responsibility for their lives. They’re in college, or living at home, or receive substantial support from home. If he’s been supporting himself for a few years (without assistance), that might change the story.
4) Even if he is responsible enough to support himself, he’s probably not mature enough to be a father to your son. That rules him out for anything more serious than a fling.
5) Unless the kid’s mother is extremely open-minded, you would lose your friendship with her if you got involved with her son.
6) There’s nothing wrong with thinking this kid is drop-dead gorgeous and wishing you were closer in age … provided you don’t act on those thoughts.
7) Avoid temptation. Make sure you don’t spend time alone with this kid. It will be a lot easier to act appropriately if you have a chaperone (even if it’s the 5 or 7 year old).
For Selena 42
“Selena Feb 28th 2008 at 01:29 pm 6
I believe men have a biological clock too. Men in their 20′s & 30′s may say they don’t want kids (or may mistakenly believe they are sterile) but may start to feel otherwise as they approach 40. If you are a woman in her 40′s-60′s you are biologically done with that, and may well not want to start the childrearing process through adoption either. Something to think about when contemplating dating someone much younger with LTR in mind. ”
Learn something about biology, toots……..women in their 40′s have babies.
You give credit to men but not to women. How cloying and man-pleasing. I feel rather sorry for ignorant people pretending they are knowledgable. Hint hint, honey.
Marie 43
I am so happy I found this post. I am also 44 and am dating a 25 year old guy. He thinks I am in my 30′s because I look like I am in my early thirties. I never asked him hold old he was, but when he was in the shower, I saw his driver’s license on the floor next to his pants. He makes me laugh, isn’t too clingy and we have amazing sex. We have been seeing each other for a month and a half. I have met some of his friends and they are all really nice and respectful, but I have to admit, sometimes it feels strange. I totally didn’t think that I would fall for him, but I am developing big time feelings for him and find that I get jealous of the prospect of him dating someone else. We haven’t even had that “conversation” about exclusivity. I treat him very well, cook for him, etc and he treats me well. He is so easy to talk to. I have tried to date guys my age and it is a nightmare. I am always approached by guys in their 20′s. I have had a fling or two in the past but it never went anywhere from there and I was fine with it. However, this guy is different. After we met, we spent 11 straight days and nights together and it was amazing. I just don’t know what to do now that I know I am falling for him. I can feel him pulling back. I know he is getting pressure from his family and I know my family and friends kind of think it is strange. At first I just wanted to have some fun, now what?
S. Williams 44
Hi Marie,
Why do people put so much stock in what others think?
I couldn’t care less what other people think about my personal life.
It is like having an invisible leash, you can only go as far as they (the people holding the leash) will let you.
You can’t pick your family, but you sure can ignore them, and far as your friends go…if they don’t support you, you might need some new friends.
Life is a journey to explore, not live by some ever shifting sets of rules created by people afraid to really live their lives.
I say you talk to him about your relationship, and if it’s only what other people think that’s in your way screw’em…it’s your life, right?
Good Luck! I hope it all works out for the best.
J Marie 45
Hi,
There was a young guy, 20 something in a class I met. He was half Brazilian, such a cutie. I never had kids or alot of younger guys in my family so he was something intriquing to me. I was in my early 40′s at the time. He was very warm and affectionate, always huggy and wanting to talk to me. We talked about sports cars, and sports during breaks ect. I seriously think he wanted to date me. However, I couldn’t so, offered “life mentoring” instead.
I was almost embarrassed by his boldness and flattered at the same time. He flirted with me. I found out he liked certain parts of my female atributes,lol. Anyway, to make a long story short, he didn’t want friends with me, just either a lay or a relationship with me. Hence the age. Remember how you where in high school? He still brags about me, but not so much. It’s dying down. So he wanted, a lay, or a relationship, and bragging rights to his friends. I realize about the bragging rights, now because he shared some emails of mine to some mutual classmates we knew. Found that out later. I think he just got mad that he didn’t get any. He wanted to show me off to his family and friends. I suspect a little wanting to thank me for helping him out in class there to for his reason to take me out, but I never wanted to officially date him. Just hang while in class. Just be careful who you pick at that age. I don’t have bad vibes towards him, just not what I expected.
Good luck and do some investigating:)
camille 46
my husband and i have an 11 yr difference and the ONLY one that has a problem with it is ME!! yes, i heard all of the negative comments, especially from women that were miserable with their bodies, marriages, etc, and had nothing else to do but down our relationship…
have had multipe younger guys hit on me all the time, not interested in kids at all, like my independence, and certainly know that there is ONLY ONE LIFE TO LIVE SO FRIGGIN ENJOY IT!!!.
live for yourself older women and if you are lucky enough to attract an younger man “”"” GOOD”"” but keep it real and make sure you are mid 40s’ try someone in their mid 30′s…,
MAKE SURE YOU HAVE SIMILAR INTRESTS AND GOALS BEFORE GOING FURTHER AND HAVE FUN!!!!!
YEAHHH, I DID AND STILL AM!!!!
Sayanta 47
Cilla-
I have the opposite problem you do. Men my age (30) don’t pay attention to me (I’m not counting catcalls), and the ones who do are old enough to be my father. And there is absolutely no way I’m ever dating anyone who’s more than five or six years older than me.
I do get a lot of 18-year-olds who flirt with me, but that doesn’t count, since I can’t do anything about it.
I know this is going to sound bad- but I am going SOLELY on what I’ve observed around me and with friends- I really think I would have had no problems with my love life if I’d been an Asian woman.
A-L 48
Sayanta,
Why do you think it would be easier to be an Asian (presumably East Asian rather than South Asian) woman rather than, say, a Caucasian one?
Sayanta 49
A-L-
lol- probably because all my Caucasian girlfriends are single like me and the Asian ones aren’t. Please excuse my post previous post- it was induced by sleep-deprivation and an overall bad mood. (But my observation still stands)
Karl R 50
camille said:
“my husband and i have an 11 yr difference”
“but keep it real and make sure you are mid 40′s try someone in their mid 30′s”
There’s a world of difference between a 10 year age gap and a 20 year age gap. I’m in my late 30′s. Women 10 years younger than me are out of school and have had time to get steady employment. Women 20 years younger than me are in college. Women 10 years older than me make up a substantial portion of my yoga and dance classes. Women 20 years older than me are candidates for early retirement.
It’s going to be a rare couple who can bridge a 20 year age gap as equals.
Sayanta said: (#47)
“there is absolutely no way I’m ever dating anyone who’s more than five or six years older than me.”
Why not? Regardless of the criteria you’re using to choose a partner, I can almost guarantee that you can find someone with a 10 year age difference who still meets them. The women that I have dated who were +/- 10 years certainly weren’t average, and that allowed them to compare favorably with the women my age.
The woman who was 11 years younger than me had the emotional and economic stability that I would expect from a date who was my age. The woman who is 9 years older than me has a fitness and energy level that rivals mine (substantially more than I expect of a date of any age).
Sayanta said: (#47)
“I really think I would have had no problems with my love life if I’d been an Asian woman.”
This made me laugh. Where I go dancing, it’s almost cliche’ how many older men (usually the skeezier older men) practically line up to dance with the younger Asian women.
Sayanta 51
Karl-
Long story short- I’ve never been in a serious-serious relationship, and I don’t want my first one to be with someone too much older than me.
Hopeful 52
I don’t think women go out of their way to meet younger men; they often try to to avoid such relationships. With that said, there is nothing wrong with having a serious relationship with the opposite gender that happens to be much younger or older than you. No need for games or hesitation. It’s part of the life experience even if your heart gets broken. As an adult, being able to trust another individual is an indication of strength; there’s too many bitter adults in this world. We need to nurture that innocent part of us that can keep on trusting others. Loving others and not expecting anything in return is the greatest gift that one can offer another. Older women may be attracted to younger men because these younger men love with sincerity, but down the road, society may influence their way of thinking which leads to confusion and doubt; eventually, the relationship may fail. I personally feel that many of the relationships mentioned above are very sweet and sincere. All of you should be thankful to have experienced such emotions and cherish them, because if you look carefully within, you may find that little kindled fire still burning inside which may be the source of your youthful natural appearance. Have you notice women who date younger men look extremely young and healthy for their age?
Mura 53
I am 51 but most people think I’m at least 10 years younger. I like the energy of younger men but I prefer to stay within 5 years give or take. It’s all about having things in common.
I was in a serious relationship with a man 11 years younger about 5 years ago. MISTAKE. I didn’t have a problem with the age thing but I did start to have issues with his lack of life experience simply because he had not had a chance to live through certains yet.
About a month ago, I met a very handsome young man who I though was in his 30′s. He’s written a couple of books and we discussed those. I gave him my phone number. When he called, I asked him how old he was before we got too far into a conversation. He is 24!!!!!!! OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He saw nothing wrong with the age difference. I have 7 year old daughter. I told him that he closer to her age than mine. I have nieces and nephews older then him. I feel like his mother. He just kept saying that I was so cute and seemed like so much fun. Yes all that is true (LOL) but at my age, life is about so much more than being cute and having fun.
He keeps calling. I won’t take his calls. He’s too sexy and It’s been a loooooooooooong time since I’ve been with anyone. I don’t want to go out like that. ROFLMAO
starthrower68 54
I had a 26-year-old beg me to go out. I believe I was 36 at the time. I might have been receptive had he not started whining like one of my kids when I hesitate. Real turn off.
Marie 55
Well, it turns out things didn’t work out with the young guy. In March I went to Chicago for a week and when I got back, things seemed different from when I left. I was worried that that was going to happen as I knew his sister was against the whole thing and she has a big influence on him as he lives with her and her boyfriend. I knew that a neighbor his age had a big crush on him, so I am guessing that he got together with her when I was gone. It wasn’t so bad that that happend, it was just how he dealt with the situation. Less then a week after I got back, he avoided me and then he basically just dropped off the face of the earth with no explaination whatsoever. I mean I can see no explaination if it has only been a few days, a few weeks, but we had been seeing each other for a couple of months and I know he had feelings for me. I flat out asked him if he was seeing some one else, and seriously that would have been okay, I just wanted the truth and some closure, but never got it from him. Oh well, guess it must be a maturity thing. If it was me, I would have at least talked to him and told him what was up.
Hopeful 56
Marie,
I’m sorry to hear of the break up. Some people find it very difficult to tell the other person the reason for the break up because they still care for that other person. Hopefully, it’s not some stupid misunderstand. When we really love someone, we try to respect their wishes even if it hurts us. I think it’s beautiful how people fall in love with one another.
Monica 57
does anyone see anything wrong with a 31 year old woman (me) dating a 20 year old man?….. the 20 year old looks likes he is under 20 but his drivers license says he is 20….a relative told me that when we are together in public that people probably think i am his mother… but i know i do not look that old to have a kid that big… people say i look about 25… any response would be appreciated….
Lucy 58
Monica #57
Well, when you go to a restaurant you won’t be able to share a bottle of wine with him. lol.
Does it matter if anyone else sees “something wrong” with it? Isn’t it really about how comfortable YOU are with the relationship?
starthrower68 59
Wow, had a 24-year-old hit on me and now my brain is short-circuting from all the diametrically opposed advice. Evan, I would be interested to know WHY you recommend a woman give serious consideration to entering such an arrangement (because let’s face it, it’s more often an arragement rather than an actual relationship).
Steve 60
It would be about sex and would likely not last. That could be a good thing! If it is for you, mazeltov!
starthrower68 61
I view it as a waste of time, but hey, if it’s for someone else, far be it from me to judge.
starthrower68 62
And if I’m really honest, I can’t contemplate what a 24-year-old who is very easily a 10 wants with a 41-year-old woman who is overweight (though I’ve lost 15 lbs on Weight Watchers), and if any of my friends or family found out I was involved with this kid, I’d be mortified, and I know that as soon as one of us became bored, it would be done with.
Kurt 63
I am a 28 year old single dad with a four year old son and I have had 5 years of life experience as a dad and 10 years working experience as a teacher. I like to work out and keep fit and have fun without the whole getting drunk scene.
I have always been attracted to women my age, a bit younger and as much as twenty years older so long as they were youthful in personality, sexy and liked to keep fit.
I think I connect with them mentally because I have already gone through what a lot of other men only start going through in their thirties and forties.
It is true that women who are older have learned from past relationships, are very appreciative of the compliments, affection and love that you show them. The ones that I am attracted to have lively sexy personalities so there is so much to be had.
You older women who want to have fun should so and see where it leads. You can’t even be sure where a relationship will take you when you are the same age so just enjoy the ride and see if it lasts. If it doesn’t then at least it is an enjoyable experience. I wouldn’t mind marrying a women older than me but considering that I am 28 I would probably only marry someone who is in their mid forties at the oldest because I would have to be realistic as far as if we wanted to have kids together.
I would like to have four kids and I already have one so I wouldn’t mind including previous or adopting or making some together.
In any case, older women who are youthful and fit make for appreciative, sexy, passionate, appreciative partners so long as you also connect mentally it will last.
Happy cub hunting to those sexy cougars out there!
Jim 64
sorry, i met my wife when i was 24 and she was 42. that was 18 years ago and i have to say it has been the best life i could ask for. It was depends on what you want. i wanted some body with their crap toghther and after 4 years in the Navy, playing the field was realy old. all the girls my age justed wanted to play head games and party. I wanted a life, and i got one. so while MOST guys are out for a good time, not all. Just be sure to figurer out which is which.
OMG! 65
Maura #53,
R U NUTS? He keeps calling but you don’t want 2 go out? And why not? Tell me something-if a totally sexy 24 yr. old called a 51 yr. old man for an innocent date, do you think the guy would hesitate and say no? It’s because you have been conditioned by society to believe (possibly) that all women shpuld date older men ALL the time. That’s great for older men but not so much for women. So if a sexy 24 yr. old wants to contact U, I say…Go out like that, to use your words. Good luck! Keep us posted! ttfn
Ann 66
I get hit on all the time by younger guys (49 tomorrow). I have been out with some too. I do have criteria in order for these guys to date me and have found it is best to be upfront with expectations. For me, it is an outlet and also fun to “date” younger guys. I know and they know that it is not going anywhere and they all know I am looking for a long term relationship with a “mature” guy while we are going out. Kinda takes the pressure off, you can just slow down and take your time finding the right person. I am upfront that when I do find someone that is “commitment material” I am history! Right? Wrong? You do what works! What is the difference with dating someone you think is serious and then having sex with them and them leaving.
This way you are holding the cards and there is power in that!
ONE OL' LADY 67
I am a 38 year old woman. I have been with my 21 year old “BOYFRIEND” for almost five months now. Its such a great feeling to actually have a boyfriend who cares about me and to love me the way i want to be loved. Since i was about 15 i have dreamed of the PERFECT MAN for ME! After my first and only husband ,the father of my first son, who abused me physically,verbally, and emotionally for almost 10 years , my self esteem was very low. Leaving him at 25 ,i certainly thought who would want me?Well five years later i had my second son at 30 with another abusive man. He diD not last in my world. I became OK WITH ME and did not need a man to dictate to me and abuse me. I deserved more than that and knew that. 5 years after I had my third son and that BABYDADDY did not work out either! So even though I tried to give space in between and stayed within my own age group this is what I had to deal with? No way . So to make my long story end I really know in my heart and soul that my 21 year old boyfriend is in my life for as long as my life may last. My boys are my main priority and they fell in love with him first and their dads are not involved in their life. So why should i deprive them either. I take it day by day thankful for the companionship of a Best friend,A LEARNING FATHER to my kids, and a lover who knows what he wants, as well as, what WE as a family need! JUS kEEPIN IT REAL
Kim 68
Hi Evan, I just wanna know if you ever help people contact one another? Because Kurt, from comment # 63 sounds like my type. I was surfing the web just looking for some answers and came across this site. Felt like it wouldn’t hurt to ask.
happy 69
I am 70, he is 49. We have been together for 30 years. Laughter is good medicine. Lighten up and keep things simple. No drama!!!
Catherine 70
I am age 50. This topic is my strongest. I enjoyed reading about the more successful age gap couples. I truly beleive that there are men in their mid twenties who are considered real men, other than kids. I follow lately what was best for me, and followed my heart. I left an abusive marriage to a man 7 years younger. During my separation, when I was 34, met and had a year long relationship with a man my own age range. He was dysfunctional, finacially and emotionally unstable, who also had jail time for beating a girlfriend. He borrowed money from me because he had a low paying job. I was shocked after he ended a security shift on a porn shoot that he was one of several who “banged” the actress; and on top of this he was Christian? I said my goodbyes!
I had tried online dating within a 10 to 15 year age gap, about 35 to 40 with no responses to my emails . The men winked or viewed were over 56 to 70. I know of an intergenerational dating expert who sees the majority of younger men wanting to bond for certain reasons other that sex or money with a mature woman who enjoys being treated well. I am much more fit and attractive and more confident than I was when I was in my 30′s. I get approached alot more by younger men. I just have to weed out the kids, and prefer substance from the real men. My 2 cents.
Catherine 71
I have been and am on a couple of sites for older women and younger men. I know Match.com has this category.
John 72
The term cougar seems to have lost the negative connotation. It’s only the younger ladies who get offended by it. As long as there are older women searching for younger men, you can bet the term will live on.
starthrower68 73
isn’t that funny, john? i just looked at another thread where a couple of guys said women in terms of looks peak at 25. fascinating. i have gotten hit on alot by younger guys.
Mialou 74
I am a 48 year old woman who is currently dating a 29 year old for the past 3 months. I came across this thread somewhat by accident, and became intrigued by what everyone was sharing. Our relationship started out as casual dating, the sex is the most amazing, but in the last couple weeks he has expressed a desire to become serious and exclusive. I tried to break it off a week ago and found out that he is really very serious about wanting to be with me so I figured why not see where things go. I think he is absolutely adorable, enjoy his company, he makes me laugh… and did I mention the sex is incredible? I am in agreement to the exclusiveness however do not have expectations for the relationship to last forever. I have a 28 year old daughter who is very supportive of the relationship and has stated that she feels a younger guy will be good for me. Most people are surprised to learn I have a 28 year old daughter because not only do I look like I am in my mid 30s, I honestly feel I am in my mid 30′s. I plan to take things one day at a time, trying not to become too attached because he could easily wake up one day and decide is wants children. Enjoy the ride while it lasts is my motto.
Mary 75
I am 45 years old I have been dating a 20 year old for about a year now. He was 19 when we meet. Know we have been living together for about 6 months now. My 21 year old son has disowend me and refuses to talk with me as long as I date/live with this guy. The truth is he makes me happy Its not just the sex and yes that is great
. He and I have a realtionship that grows stronger everyday. When we first started to go out I worried about what people would think in public now I don’t care. We love each other and I don’t think of him as 20 and he dosn’t think of me as 20. We are comfortable with it and we just live day to day and take things as they come. No one has any granuntees in life. And btw I am the one who strugles with the age difference thats why I found this site .
Mary 76
opps didn’t prof read lol I meant to say Now we live togehter and he dosn’t think of me as 40 sorry
Mary 77
I agree with ONE OL’ LADY , I mean why can’t men my age treat me as well as this wonderful 20 year old ….I too take it one day at a time becasue there are no grantees in life
I say if it makes you happy and your not hurting anyone then do it. Life is short my friends
Jean 78
I am here to testify that love, real love, between an older woman and a younger man can work out. My husband is 43 and I am 66. We have been together for 23 years. That’s right.. he was 20 when we met and I was 43. I was very reluctant to give in and marry a younger man after living with him for 3 1/2 years, but we were both totally in love and he taught me with my own words. I had told him I believe we came from God and came to earth to grow our spirits to go back to God so we could be closer to God…and my boyfriend…now husband…said then your soul does not have an age and so we are “soul-mates”. He was right. We have been soul mates throughout all these years. We are about to begin our 24th year together and our love is stronger and more beautiful than ever. It is true, I am beginning to feel “older” than him, but he continues to tell me I am the most beautiful woman in the world (to him)…and that we will be together throughout eternity…Now this is a real love story..
Carrie 79
I stumbled across this thread today. Just after I turned 40 a 28 year old that I had met one night started to pursue me. I was dead set against dating someone eleven years younger. The first week I ignored almost all his contact hoping he would disappear. I ended up calling him back to explain that I was flattered but too uncomfortable with the age difference. Immediately after that call he texted and suggested we go get coffee…at that point I thought I had nothing to lose the guy was tripping all over himself to go out with me, even after I rejected him! I also have two aunts that are happily married to much younger men, so I decided to break my own dating “rules”.
We dated for almost a year and a half. He broke it off this past fall. I am still heart broken. There were many great things about our relationship and I think it is possible for relationships with age differences to work.
If you want a committed relationship that could lead to marriage, be careful. Follow the advice on this website. Although my guy was extremely interested in dating me, and followed it up with daily communication and dates, he never asked me to be exclusive, I never heard him refer to me as his girlfriend, and he didn’t tell me he loved me until AFTER he broke it off with me (and that was via text). I had met his friends and family, we talked about going on trips, and had some future talk,…but NO REAL ACTION towards those things.
I suppose I am a slow learner. I am now 41 and never been married. Every time I think I am a pro at dating, I get my heart handed to me on a platter. Live and learn.
outrageously 80
Love this thread! Loved that it worked for Jean. Age is your and your honey’s business and no other as long as it is legal. Cougar to me is a demeaning term for sure. Who’s to say an age difference won’t work out? I’ve been in many long term relationships with younger men for over 15 years now. Each had unique reasons for not working out and them being older and me younger was NOT the issue, nor kids. As long as you communicate, trust and outline any expectations if any, you are good to go.
That leash comment was right on! My sister married a guy over 25 years older then her, they have one child and are doing fabulously. another friend in her 60s married a man in his late 40s, they are still together and in love still.
Don’t let society’s leash hold you back…who cares what other people think.
Me 41 Him 28 - Love of My Life 81
My experience has been completely different to the majority of the situations which unfotuantely did not work out for many women and younger men mentioned above.
I am 41 and have two children 17 and 13 from a previous relationship with a man who was 7 years older than me – supposedly an ideal age gap if you want to think in broad assumptions – and although we looked great together it was doomed even though we stuck at it for 13 years.
After that I was with a younger man 9 years my senior and it didnt work but that was purely because he was a selfish person and lacked the warmth, kindness, positive outlook and sexual stamina I needed amongst other things. It doesnt pay to assume all young men are great in bed and have the energy required to be in an exciting relationship, because they don’t.
I do not judge or make assumptions about any other human being. I don’t care what background or culture they are from. What job they do, car they drive, or how much money they have etc. It is irrelevant to me. All I have ever wanted is to marry for the truest love that there is.
I never found it and went though many years of being lonely and dissapointed, but my patience was rewarded. I met my future husband who is 28 years old online and bizarrely we connected immediately, spoke on the phone straight away and met within a few days to take our new connection out of the virtual world and into the real world where both of us prefer to operate as human beings.
It was love at first sight, we talked about marriage and babies even before we met and we did the same in person. I know its totally crazy but thats just how it happened with us. We were both at the same stage in life, in terms of knowing what we wanted and needed in a relationship. We were destined for each other.
I have never been so happy in my life. Im treated like a queen and cherised in a way I always wanted. Our sexual compatibility is so strong its breathtaking. We will be having two children as he has never had any and I always wanted more IF and ONLY IF I was going to be married to the love of my life. I was not married to childrens father previously. We are trying for our first baby now and are engaged to be married. The only reason we are not marrying now is that I am studying and the academic assistance I get which is the only way I can afford to qualify will be withdrawn, so when I have finished we will be having a big wedding.
We are best friends, have great fun together as if we were two teenagers. People watch us all the time as it is unmistakeable the love between us. We make each other laugh, we talk about creative things with passion because we are both musical. We talk about everything there is to talk about but essentially we can always speak out minds as equals if something bothers us. We listen to each other, we think about it solve the problem and make love again and again and again. The thought of hurting the other is like a knive wound to the heart and that is when you know that you have true love. When all you want to do is make the other peson happy and they want the same for you then you have achieved the goal.
I have met his parents as I am at his place alot of the time and best friend and will meeting his other friends also. He has told them about me and while he was driving in the car with them, he rang me up, played a very cool song on the stereo and sang to me over the phone infront of all his friends. Thats was romantic in a non cliched way which I love and put a massive smile on my face. He does things like that all of the time. My partner is not ashamed of me in any way and constantly tells me how proud he is. His friends could not believe that this wild guy who is had girls galore has settled down. The issue with his friends is not my age – it is so accepted these days and I look in my 20s which helps – but it is the fact he has found the one.
His background is different from mine, he is very alpha male, tough, and a street person, where as I am from an ordinary background but without the harshness he has experienced. Im strong minded but sweet natured which is not indicative of the women he had before. All that matters is that we are totally compatible in terms of our values, wants and needs. We are on the same page entirely and want the same things. He is the most real and genuine man I have ever met and this is essential. The fact he has sex appeal which is like electricity is a bonus. Even if the person you meet is much younger, if they have these qualities and really loves you, it will work beautifully. Guys who said they loved women but wouldnt take them home or let their friends meet them because of the age, were fake. They didn’t mean a word of what they said to you and were not worthy of your time. So here are my tips:
DONT ME MATERIALISTIC – He may not have much in terms of security and finances and if you love him this won’t matter.
WANT THE SAME THINGS – You need to establish immediately what the other person wants. If it is not the same as you, forget it and move on.
AGE IS A NUMBER – If you think that age gives you the measure of a man then, apart from being a stupid person, you shouldnt attempt to be with a younger man as its insulting to him, in the same way it would be insulting to you, if he assumed you were an interesting lay but ultimately a bore because you were in your 40s. Respect has to go both ways.
CARE ABOUT WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THINK? – If you are one of these people then its definitely doomed. I don’t seek peoples approval, especially when it comes to love. If it bothers you that your partner looks younger you are of the wrong mind set to be with him. I actually love the fact I have a younger man with me, it shows that we are open minded people who know how to love and be happy.
I am proof that it can be an amazing friendship and marriage which is full of fun, adventure, excitement and emotions as well as outstanding love making and sexual exploration between two people. Its awesome. He had a car accident 2 days before he met me and I had broken up with someone 2 weeks before after 5 years of unhappiness. God put us together 100%. Go for it !
Me 41 Him 28 - Love of My Life 82
Opps I was with a younger man 9 years my junior immediately after my 13 year realtionship. Pardon my error. My future husband is 11 years my junior : )
Paragon 83
“Women ages 27 through 45 report not only having more sexual fantasies (and more intense sexual fantasies) than women ages 18 through 26 but also having more sex, period. And they are more willing than younger women to have casual sex, even one-night stands. In other words, despite the girls-gone-wild image of promiscuous college women, it is women in their middle years who are America’s most sexually industrious.”
http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,2007422,00.html
Moe 84
#82, I dont want to be cynical but hes 28 sweetie. He may be amazing now…but I wonder when hes 35 and youre 48 or when hes 45 and youre 58, whether he would still be attracted to you anymore. MEN ARE PHYSICAL CREATURES, trust me, when you get older hes still a younger man, he will want to pursue a younger woman. Its in a man’s nature to do so. He will be checking out that cute 28 year old, he will all of sudden do a 180 from that sweet guy to the guy who’s still on the prowl and wants to explore his option.
All Im saying is, at 28 hes still young and as a 41 year old, youre risking future pain for present romance with a younger guy only. How do I know this? Im a younger woman who gets hit on by all types of guys, but mainly by your type of man. The guy who married an older woman but wants to stray now because he saw a younger hot lady. Or its the older girlfriend cohabitating with the younger bf…Ive seen it all. I often wonder about these men…why are they with an older woman when theyre obviously prowling on younger women? Why are these older women so desperate? Why are they dating boys when it clear that these boys will become men, and men will want to pursue girls? Age does matter….because as we age, we all change honey.
Still-Looking 85
@81 -
While I agree with Moe@84, EVERY relationship has risks. You could still be blissfully married to this man in 40 years or he could leave in 5 or 10 years. Every relationship bears the risk of not being a lifelong romance – your relationship probably has a higher risk of not enduring because of the age difference but if you are happy now….be happy now!
Patricia 86
Hi, all. I have to say, I was intrigued by all of your comments. While it may look like older women are desperate, predatory creatures, it is simply not so. I am 45 years old, feel very young and look much younger. When I was between the ages of 15-30, I liked older men. They intrigued me. Now, after a marriage that was so not good and a pending divorce, I get checked out by younger guys. How can I put this? They are so yummy. I have not gone out yet with a younger guy and would not want to date someone younger than 25, for example, but I cannot help but be enraptured by some of them. Why? Because a) they like to have fun b)they look good c) they do have a look in their eyes of earnestness (even if they only want you for bed). They treat you differently than they treat girls their own age. They are definitely more alpha male with younger girls. But with older women, it feels so much sweeter. If I know I could mentor and hang out and be friends (with some romance thrown in) with a younger guy, I would do it. Like I said, it is so appealing; especially after going through marriage with someone your own age and be treated horribly. I just want to have fun and explore my sexuality and enjoy myself.
Thanks for reading
Joshua 87
In Ontario, this phenomenon of much older women hitting on younger men is far more prevalent than people expect. To me it’s downright gross. I can’t tell you how often women who are single AND married hit, all at least mid thirties and up. I’m in my mid twenties and I look a bit younger.
Of course, all these women who are obviously delusional tell me “Ohh whoa I thought you were like closer to my age”. Yeah, I’m a man who’s that old when I clearly don’t look it (not bald, fat, no gray hair or wrinkles all over my face, hell I barely have facial hair).
Sorry old women, younger men who are into you are only into because of ONE thing – you’re so damn easy. Older women are obviously not as wanted as younger women, hence they “put themselves out there” even more, which makes it easier for guys to get them.
Paragon 88
@ Joshua
“In Ontario, this phenomenon of much older women hitting on younger men is far more prevalent than people expect. To me it’s downright gross. I can’t tell you how often women who are single AND married hit, all at least mid thirties and up. I’m in my mid twenties and I look a bit younger.
Of course, all these women who are obviously delusional tell me “Ohh whoa I thought you were like closer to my age”. Yeah, I’m a man who’s that old when I clearly don’t look it (not bald, fat, no gray hair or wrinkles all over my face, hell I barely have facial hair).
Sorry old women, younger men who are into you are only into because of ONE thing – you’re so damn easy. Older women are obviously not as wanted as younger women, hence they “put themselves out there” even more, which makes it easier for guys to get them.”
I tend to agree.
“in both male and female demand, sex and looks are complements; all else equal, the better someone looks, the more you want sex with them. In male sex supply, sex and looks seem unrelated; how much sex a man offers has little to do with his looks. In female sex supply, however, it seems that sex and looks are substitutes; the better she looks the less sex she offers.”
http://www.overcomingbias.com/2010/08/sex-looks-are-supply-substitutes.html
We can unify this, with what I posted earlier, in support of your assertions.
Stacy 89
I just wan to put my 2 cents in. I and 44, white and gave birth 2 years ago to my little biracial daughter. The father is 23 years old black guy that I worked with. He was 21 when i became pregnant. I was 2 years divorced and still had the mirena birth control device in. My doctor seems to think that it was knocked out because when I went in to see him about the changes that were happening, he told me I was pregnant and that the mirena was gone. I hate to say this but I have hard or men with large units can dislodge the marena and cause it to fall out. I keep the baby because I am a grown women that can take responsibility for my actions. Having a mixed baby and a much younger boyfriend has really turned some of my friends off to were we aren’t friends anymore. My x-husband willnot talk to me anymore. We basically divorced because I would not have any more babies with him. And then i get knocked up by a younger black kid. oh boy. The father and I are good friends and he loves our daughter. We are still sexually active with each other and he want another one. ONE WAY!!!! So I can be in the delivery room by myself pushing a black baby. How do you think that looked. I just want to say is if you older gals fool around with the younger guys make sure you can’t get pregnant. The younger guys take to precaution to prevent pregnancy
Dra 90
I wouldn’t say 27 is a woman’s middle years, 35 and up are a woman’s middle years. The american study is just plain weird.
I am with a guy 9 years older, and it is utterly boring, however, I would NOT date a man more than 5 years younger. I’m 29. I don’t agree with big age gaps either way. Older men with young girls look really pervey and sad, and older women with very young men look desperate.
Kathleen 91
Dra … I would say since you are only 29 your life experience and outlook has the potential to evolve further.
I am 53 Many men my age are chasing women your age I often might date a guy in his early 40s. Does that make me sad and desperate???? I look good and Im an athlete I can date younger guys as an option. Why judge that?
Kathleen 92
Moe # 84
Your tone is very patronizing and insulting to writer of #82
It is possible that her guy at 35 will find her attractive because guys that age hit on me at 53
You will learn when you reach my age that many guys have the capability to stray regardless of age and their marital status.
Ruby 93
Dra #90
“Older men with young girls look really pervey and sad, and older women with very young men look desperate.”
And a 29 year old with a “utterly boring” boyfriend 9 years older looks…utterly bored.
Kathleen 94
Perfectly stated Ruby
Paragon 95
@ Dra
“Older men with young girls look really pervey and sad”
Despite studies which show that males married to significantly younger women not only report greater satisfaction, but enjoy greater health and longevity(ponder the absence of such studies in favor of older women and younger men).
@ Ruby
“And a 29 year old with a “utterly boring” boyfriend 9 years older looks…utterly bored.”
If drama is what a woman craves, than a younger man may remedy that when he begins to pursue younger women(which is likely to happen, assuming he is a high value male – which is the only kind most women will consider – and thus, as a scarce resource, will have many more options than any older woman he is likely to be paired with).
Ruby 96
Paragon
What about the 29 year old woman who is totally bored, but has lots of other options? How long do you think she’ll stick around with Mr. Boring? I think there’s a middle ground between “drama” and “utterly bored”, don’t you?
YogiBear 97
Im 21/male and just fell in love with a woman who is in her mid 40s. i like everything about her. she truly is a wonderful person. I hope we become good friends, nothing more. That would be a good friendship that i would really enjoy, I just like spending time with her, it’s comforting. Anything else would be bizarre.
Jana 98
I am 41 and just started a relationship with a 25 year old guy…I feel so in love with this guy as I havent felt in a longtime…he is carrying no only about me but about my 11 year old son…He is responsible, he is intelligent, he wants to be there for me and my son..he wants to be the father my son hasnt have….he still have kids issues like video gaming, loud music, throwing his clothes on the floor,etc etc that I have to face evey day…He is already talking about getting married…he is sterile (Doctor tested) so kids is not an issue…But I am glad I found this discussion because it is good to see how other people think about this situation…although every situation is different I feel that you have to give it a go…you never know until you try…
valerie 99
Paragon your posts are very condescending.
monique 100
I am thrilled to have found this site ! I am going through torment as after a 30 year marriage and now single at 48, I met a 28 year old on an online site that I just adore and the feeling is mutual. I have had a lot of approaches since being single – loads – from men my age ( friends included) and many from younger guys but this person was the one that I instantly connected with. However I think he is really nervous by us being anything more than a casual relationship as he understandably loves his freedom and all the girls that come his way. I am also very scared as feel all the time that it is going to end and I am going to lose the best thing I have ever come across. But something keeps bringing us back together and over riding that.
I woudl just add that it is very very hard for him – I think it is an age thing – to confidently express himself verbally. The whole idea of ” relationships’ freaks him out as he has no desire to get married or have children …all typical stuff of men that age.
Joyce 101
Its surprising to read such critical comments about an older woman having relationship with a younger guy. No one in this society gives much thought about a older man dating a teenager.
Society is clearly gender *BIASED*!!!!
Wake-up it’s 21st century. NOPE I am not dating a guy in 20s. Yes I am in 40s.
mani 102
what a man really want ,,and looking for a older women
Kay 103
Not even sure what to say. I am 40 and normally always find myself attracted to much older men. Recently a young 25 year old with an amazing head on his shoulders asked if I would ever consider dating a younger man. My first thought was hell no…I have no need for a quick romp that lacks passion and romance. He has kept at it insisting that I will not be disappointed if I would just allow him to woo me. Thoghout my life, I have had great receptiveness from men of all ages. I am confident intelligent succesful and love to laugh. Though this man is a guy I would have pined away for at 25 – he is likely capable of landing any woman. I am now not in the best shape of my life and his interest is baffling.