Feb28

What Do Guys In Their 20’s Want With Women In Their 40’s?

08:43 am on Feb 28th 2008 Evan Marc Katz

Finding the One Online is a comprehensive, life-changing program that covers everything I teach my clients about online dating. If you want to get your love life on track and aren't sure where to start, Finding the One Online is the best investment you can make.

65 Comments »Filed Under Dating Tips & Advice, Sex & Relationship Advice

65 Responses to “What Do Guys In Their 20’s Want With Women In Their 40’s?”

1. Marc F. Feb 28th 2008 at 09:15 am 1

   “What do guys in their twenties really expect and/or want when contacting an older woman?”

   To get laid! Plain and simple. Maybe not all of them, and maybe not this particular guy, but most guys in their 20s think an older woman is easier and hornier than women their own age. That’s what I thought when I was a schmucky 20 something, and so did my friends. I would proceed with caution, if you’re looking for something more than a fling with a young stud.

2. Steve Feb 28th 2008 at 09:50 am 2

   First, I predict that this thread will be very long.

   Evan made all good points, but I don’t think he answered the question as to why men in their 20s find older women interesting.

   My guess would be greater sexual and emotional intimacy without fear. Women their own age are expecting them to be the man, the leader of the relationship, the decision maker. Somehow that expectation might not be there with a partner who is older. These younger men can relax. They can open themselves up to being more vulnerable and openup to receiving more sexual/psychological pleasure.

   As Evan mentioned, men in their 20s and women in their 40s are both at their sexual peak. Both groups seem more interested in sex and with fewer preliminaries.

   Going down a few notches I think there is also the appeal of the forbidden and the appeal of the trendy, which seem to intersecting right now.

   Speaking only for myself, when I was 14 I found women aged between the mid 30s – mid 40s to be the most interesting. They were easier to talk to. Girls my own age only wanted to talk about music and various brands of beer. Boring! *Women* I met were interested in eastern philosophy, yoga (not trendy back in the stone ages ), literature, sci-fi, etc… The conversations were interesting and these conversations were easily started with these women who were comfortable with being assertive, voicing their ideas. They were good looking too. The complete package. At that time in my life talking to good looking *girls* was still a bit intimidating and when I made the effort I was only rewarded with dull conversations.

   Now that I am within their age range I still find this set of women interesting and I’m guessing that when I am beyond their age range I will still find them interesting.

   The only reasons I date younger women are:

   - these women don’t seem to be out and about in my venues

   - they can’t relax and enjoy a date. They have an agenda and
   interrogate me, looking for signs. They may be subtle to other
   guys but I see through it and it turns me off.

   - they are unconfident about being desirable and that makes them
   act and seem less desirable.

   - they gave up on taking care of themselves…physically and/or
   psychologically.

   Still, this group would be my first choice. I just find it so exciting to have conversations with people who understand all of my cultural references and who have their own insights from having lived to add to my own

3. Damie Feb 28th 2008 at 10:21 am 3

   I have a very close friend in her early 50s who looks AMAZING for her age, plays bass in a rock band, is a very lively active woman with lots of young interests. When I hang out with her very seldom do I feel like I’m with “my mother.”

   She is approached by younger guys, guys in their late 20s, ALL the time for dates. She goes out with some of them. She falls in love with some of them. And in every instance they always say they love her for her and that the age thing doesn’t matter. Until a few months goes by…

   They want to settle down and have a real serious girlfriend they can take home to mom, and all of a sudden it starts to weird them out that my friend could BE their mom. They love hanging with her but are often embarassed to bring her around their friends. In every single case, it’s been, as Evan said, doomed. And it brings a lot of depression to my friend.

   So, in my opinion, stay within your age range and steer clear of the youngins. They just want to play.

4. BeenThruTheWars Feb 28th 2008 at 01:04 pm 4

   I was 44 when I met my now-husband. He was 33. The 11-year age difference has made very little difference in our relationship. He is kind of an old soul and had no desire to have kids. I don’t have or want kids either, and he was delighted to be dating someone who did NOT have the whole desperate marriage-and-kids agenda (as women his age definitely did). The only real difference I’ve noticed is where we are in our careers relative to each other. I am entering my peak years, starting to think about retiring in ten years if all goes well, and he is still in the building phase. Sometimes I find myself mentoring him and I need to step back and cut it out unless he’s asked for suggestions or advice. He has more energy than I do, but not enough to create problems. That said, we are only 11 years apart, not twenty-five.

   Would I have dated a 20-year-old when I was 43? Well, I went out with a couple 29-year-olds… the lower age limit of the guys who asked… and we didn’t click. Guys in their twenties were, to me, terribly earnest and always seemed to be trying to prove how cool and mature they were. It usually wound up being more amusing to me than anything. I just couldn’t take them seriously. I would refer to them as “the lads” or “young master So-and-So” to my friends, who teased me about my boy toys. But if this particular guy you are impressed with wants to take you out on a date, go. What do you have to lose? Have dinner with him, see if he’s for real. You never know who the great love of your life is going to be. I certainly wasn’t expecting mine to be a never-married, still-partying hearty guy in his early 30s; but he’s grown up a lot, and I’ve stayed open minded, and we get along like a house on fire. I truly do expect to be with him until death do us part.

5. Steve Feb 28th 2008 at 01:28 pm 5

   Carla;

   Ditto on Damie’s & Evan’s warning. I’ve felt and reacted the way the men Damie’s friend dated responded. If you want to avoid getting hurt don’t expect anything more than hot sex and friendship from a younger a much younger guy.

6. Selena Feb 28th 2008 at 01:29 pm 6

   I believe men have a biological clock too. Men in their 20’s & 30’s may say they don’t want kids (or may mistakenly believe they are sterile) but may start to feel otherwise as they approach 40. If you are a woman in her 40’s-60’s you are biologically done with that, and may well not want to start the childrearing process through adoption either. Something to think about when contemplating dating someone much younger with LTR in mind.

   Also, at any age you might find you relate well to an individual(s) who are much younger, but come to find out not on every level. The 20’s are such a decade of change, it shouldn’t come as a surprise (but often does) that a younger partner “outgrows you”, the relationship that was fine for awhile no longer is. This happened to two of my late-30’s friends, who found their “soulmate” with someone in his early 20’s. Each relationship lasted less than 2 yrs.

   If a dalliance is okay go for it. But if you are wistful for someone to grow old with, dating out of your generation is not an ideal place to look. For both genders.

7. Steve Feb 28th 2008 at 02:02 pm 7

   
   Selena Feb 28th 2008 at 01:29 pm 6
   If you are a woman in her 40’s-60’s you are biologically done with that, and may well not want to start the childrearing process through adoption either.
   

   If I go to match.com ( or any site ) and set the filter to only return women who do not want children I will get hardly any adds back. I see many adds from women in their late 30’s -> mid 40’s who put down “undecided” for “Want kids?” Who are they kidding? Fertility treatments are brutal, expensive, and they don’t work as well as everyone thinks. Adoption takes years of bureaucracy and frustration. Nothing against women who don’t have children. That is what I am looking for.

8. verbosity Feb 28th 2008 at 04:12 pm 8

   “What Do Guys In Their 20’s Want With Women In Their 40’s?”

   1. Sex without attachment
   2. Sex without (or far less likely) risk of pregnancy

   If I think about it, I would guess that there’s a bit of a group-think or trend following thing going on. This whole ‘coug’ trend (or more wide acceptance) may be a ‘cool’ thing to do. BTW, the coug, thing is based on one night stands, or ‘chance’ encounters. Then again, maybe Oedipus is rearing his head. Who knows?

9. Selena Feb 28th 2008 at 04:38 pm 9

   Steve,
   I’d venture that a majority of women have already had kids by the time they reach their mid-40’s. Not everyone ofcourse, but my post was geared toward a mid-40’s woman hooking up with a man 20 yrs. younger who didn’t want kids THEN, but might well find he wanted them later on. And later on for him could mean when he was 35-45, at which point SHE would be 55-65. I’m just speculating that there are fewer women who would want to start the childrearing process as they near retirement age.

   As a woman in my mid-40’s with a grown son, I would check the want kids? box No. I don’t know what to make of women over 40 checking ‘undecided’. Maybe they really are, or maybe (like you) they’ve found they get far fewer responses if they check No. All about getting your foot in the door, perhaps?

10. hunter Feb 28th 2008 at 06:00 pm 10

    ..sad to say, not all older women are fun rides, there are some, that are terrible in bed…and we try to teach them, but they seem to be set in their ways….back to the post…the older woman, younger man is very common in most of Europe….

11. Lynn Feb 28th 2008 at 08:16 pm 11

    Many of we older women in our 40’s check the “undecided” box for the “want kids?” question because we have arrived at a place where we realize that having kids may not be in the cards for us, and we are ok with that. but if children were conceived, by chance, in a solid relationship, as has happened for at least 3 of my women friends in their 40’s, then that would be ok, too. Or, if a man who had children during a previous relationship brought kids with him as a package deal, then we just may be very open to that concept. . . . .

12. Selena Feb 29th 2008 at 04:45 am 12

    Lynn,
    Since many singles in their mid-forties already have kids, I can see how checking a want kids? box “undecided” would equate to checking an “okay with me if YOU have kids” box. I haven’t tried on-line dating, I don’t know a thing about what boxes they have for screening purposes.

13. Steve Feb 29th 2008 at 06:24 am 13

    Lynn;

    I never would have guessed that. The fact that I ( and likely other men ) never would have guessed is probably a good reason for dating sites to offer more choices for the answer to “want kids?” question.

14. El Feb 29th 2008 at 07:05 am 14

    I totally agree Evan. These relationships usually won’t last so why bother, unless you’re just looking for a little fun. I’m 40 and have younger guys write to me quite often. Usually I don’t respond, but occasionally I’ll ask them why they aren’t writing to someone their own age. They usually say, older women know what they want.
    Yep and this older woman would rather have someone her own age.

15. naturegirl Feb 29th 2008 at 09:30 am 15

    Selena and Lynn-

    I agree. The “want kids” option on match.com does not provide adequate choices for those of us with kids already. Sure, I want the kids I already have, and would welcome the kids of a boyfriend, but don’t want to create any new children. Where’s the option for that?

16. Stifler's Mom Feb 29th 2008 at 07:00 pm 16

    Isn’t an Oedipal Complex a legit thing for some younger men, to be attracted to women roughly their mother’s age? Haven’t done the research there.

    Evan’s take and most of the comments seem in consensus: older women with much younger men equals sex and fun. Sweet.

    I’ve dated 3 older women, all mothers, not with the same age differential as the emailer. I’ve noticed they all had a couple of qualities in common: a) very laid back in a dating sense, b) strong game, which made it very easy to flirt and have fun on dates (this is like saying they make good dance partners), c) great sex.

17. trouble Mar 5th 2008 at 03:18 pm 17

    I’ve dated a couple of younger guys. In fact, the first guy I dated after my divorce was 27 to my 39. Our relationship was sweet, fun, and sexy. He reminded me just how much living I still had to do, that I was still sexy, and that dating could be fun. In fact, every man I’ve dated since that time probably owes my friend KC a debt of gratitude as he helped me avoid the bitter divorcee phase.

    I wasn’t bitter, I was having the time of my life.

    I’d give these flings 4-5 months, max, which is about as long as you can date across this sort of age divide and enjoy it. For me, at least, after 4-5 months, I really started wanting someone my own age that remembered and could dance to The Cure.

    We’re still friends though, and if you don’t take it too seriously, that’s definitely a side advantage, I’d say we’re both rather protective of one another, and give each other good advice.

    I definitely have no regrets.

18. Nervous Nellie Mar 5th 2008 at 06:58 pm 18

    I am 44 years old. I met a 26-year-old guy online last September for what was supposed to be a casual relationship. In December, he wanted to try having a full-blown, exclusive relationship. A couple of times, I broke it off because his job requires a lot of travel and he was always tired and sometimes canceled dates at the last minute. He would leave me alone for a couple of weeks and then contact me.

    I would tell him I would not mind going back to the casual relationship, i.e., he and I could see other people in addition to each other. However, he did not want to do that.

    We have been doing well for the past couple of months or so. We talk openly about what we want from the relationship. I have an 11-year-old daughter. He has made it clear from the beginning that he does not want any children. I was engaged a few years ago and my ex-fiance and I tried to have a child for a year (he is younger and has 2). Ditto with the boyfriend after him. So, I did not think I could not get pregnant. Well, with current boyfriend (the 26-year-old), I did get pregnant, but miscarried after 6 weeks. Boyfriend said he would have lived up to his responsibilities had I gone to term. However, he was very relieved that I miscarried and is now convinced he does not want children.

    I read through this thread and am now very nervous. It seems that none of you give a relationship like this a chance.

19. m Mar 5th 2008 at 09:56 pm 19

    NN:

    Some of us do. It’s just that when the gender-polarized vitriol gets thick on the ground, we don’t always comment.

    As an individual or a couple, if you’re at all different in the world — and, it seems, especially in America — it’s all about the amount of social pressure you can withstand (or elude, for that matter).

    At the end of the day, it seems to me that it’s about the two people in the relationship — their experiences, how they’ve been socialized, how compatible they are, and how much they want to be with — and stay with — each other.

20. Selena Mar 6th 2008 at 04:22 am 20

    NN–
    No one can predict how long a relationship will last. Not even people who are whole heartedly committed on their wedding day, as statistics prove out. If you are enjoying your relationship with the 26 yr. old, why not just go with the flow without making predictions for the future?

21. Nervous Nellie Mar 6th 2008 at 08:07 am 21

    M,

    What “gender-polarized vitriol” are you talking about? And how come this “May-Dec” type relationship is not as much of an issue when the MAN is the one who is much older?

    And as far as being “different,” well I am a 44-year-old with my own law practice. I am represented by 2 model and talent agencies, I take boxing classes and still do gymnastics. I weigh as much as I did in high school. Thanks to good genes, I look much younger than my years – no wrinkles or gray (my parents are from the Philippines). Oh. And I am inked and pierced.

    So, I am not as concerned as what society thinks of me. But as far as investing my heart in this relationship with someone so much younger, in light of the previous posts…that is what makes me nervous.

22. Nervous Nellie Mar 6th 2008 at 08:10 am 22

    Selena,

    I had married my college sweetheart. Marriage lasted 13 years. Therefore, what you said was right. As for “going with the flow,” I am trying to do just that and taking things one day at a time. As for investing my heart totally, I am still nervous about that.

23. hotlips Mar 6th 2008 at 08:12 am 23

    There are as many kinds of love as there are people in the world.
    After 7 years and one child with a man 17 years my junior I have to say it’s way more than fun and hot sex. We have built a business together, are raising a child together, he’s been hospitalized for a serious chronic illness, we are buying another peice of property together-you know, all the things same age couples do together.
    He wants to get married too. After 7 years together he just might be breaking through my no marriage barrier. It’s me not him that hasn’t wanted to totally commit. It isn’t because of the age thing that I don’t seek marriage but because a bad divorce taught me that you can really get taken for a ride in a divorce and I don’t want to do that again. But he thinks it is important and it is becoming important to our daughter so I just might do the deed with a younger man-with pre-nup in place. (I would have a pre-nup with ANYONE)

24. Nervous Nellie Mar 6th 2008 at 08:49 am 24

    hotlips,

    Your post was certainly encouraging. Like you, I am nervous about remarrying. Boyfriend did express a concern about that. And he wants me to meet his parents–mother is only 3 years older than I am. Stepfather is about 13 years older. I think his biological father is almost 10 years older than I am. Did you discuss the prenup issue with your bf?

25. hotlips Mar 6th 2008 at 10:30 am 25

    Because he knew me when I was going through my divorce (as a friend) he knew all a long about my allergy to marriage and my strong belief in pre-nups. Still he took the leap and had a relationship with me.
    The younger guy has a risk too. Marriage can mean a claim to half of all his future retirement benefits, alimony, child support if you have kids together. Men tend to earn more than women out the gate. Yes, my guy is only 26 but ALREADY planning for retirement and was thinking about this stuff at 18. He’s a freak that way. So was I at his age.
    Age aside, I recommend Everyone read the book The Courage to be Rich by Ormond. She discusses what marriage can mean financially, pre-nuptual agreements, how to divide expenses based on varying incomes or goals. Everyone should know about this no matter what age their partner is.
    I entered this relationship with no expectations of it being long term because of what other people believed and articles like this. But my experience has been different than the apparent cultural norm. I really think Americans sort of look for the negative. If something isn’t “normal” (whatever that is) then it must be bad.
    I find it amusing that the people who had negative things to say about our relationship or gossiped about how “It would never last” are majorly unhappy in their own relationships and we are happy. I know same age couples that have been married and divorced, with horrific court battles, in the time we’ve been together. Truly, the only negatives in our life are health issues and their HIS.

26. Nervous Nellie Mar 6th 2008 at 10:39 am 26

    hotlips,

    I am in much better physical shape than my bf, who is also 26 (27 this month). Basically, my ‘negative’ is that he will change his mind about having children someday. So my choices are enjoy things and take things one day and a time, or break it off and find someone closer to my own age, who already has children. Either break my own heart now, or risk having it broken in the future….

27. Elena Mar 16th 2008 at 09:44 am 27

    I am the one whose man is much older. I am 25 and he is 50. We’ve been together for half a year and so far everything’s been just fine. Our relation is based on true love,trust and understanding.I don’t see it much of an issue being involved into a relation with an older guy.He is in a very good shape, fit and active and full of energy. Maybe it sounds weird but I have almost never been attracted to young boys of my age. I just don’t find them enough mature,interesting,responsible,smart,etc…There hasn’t been a single one young guy,who could satisfy my emotional and sexual needs. My boyfriend on the contrary does it perfectly well. We are very attached to each other, however he gets confused sometimes with our age difference. It seems to be difficult for him to put up with the idea that I actually could be his daughter, although he has never had children. My parents are against our relation. They think its completely insane of me. My friends keep telling that it won’t last long. But I just ignore their remarks. Despite all the negativity our love is growing stronger day after day. I fully believe in us and our future, in fact I would like to marry him and have kids. It’s his wish as well. I really don’t see what is the problem and to my point of view every relation, if based on true feelings should be given a chance. There is no such thing as “do’s and dont’s” in love life. Everything is OK and acceptable as long as it makes both partners happy and the age issue should be the last problem to worry about.

28. Collins Mar 26th 2008 at 05:15 pm 28

    First off, Kutcher was actually born in 1978.

    That said, older women dating/marrying younger men is nothing new. Two of my great-great-grandparents were such a couple; she was born in 1848, he in 1862. They came to the States from Sweden & married in 1886. The age difference may have kept them from having more than 2 children (the older of whom was my great-grandma) but they remained married till death did them part.

    More than a century after my great-great-grandparents’ marriage, I often gravitate toward older women myself, for the following reasons:
    1. Many are divorced & already have kids; thus they’re less likely to want any by me (I want none of my own).
    2. Most are long established in their careers, & thus less likely to depend on me financially.

    Even so, I wouldn’t rule out a woman my own age, or even up to 10 years younger, just so she loves me for me & not for my money or what I can buy with it.

29. Nervous Nellie Apr 7th 2008 at 09:27 am 29

    Collins,

    Just curious. Why don’t you want any children? My bf has been steadfast in his desire not to have any children.

30. Collins Apr 7th 2008 at 04:52 pm 30

    Nellie,

    Long story short, having kids is not for everyone, of either gender. Raising children is hard work, harder now than ever, & harder than some people (including me) can handle. Plus, with world pop’n over 6 billion & growing fast, I wouldn’t want to bring a kid into a world with dirty air & water.

    As for you & your guy, if you want kids & he does not, then it may be time to reassess whether you & he should stay together or not.

    Now, I’m afraid we’re going off topic, so I’ll say no more. But thanks for asking.

31. Tracy May 10th 2008 at 09:21 am 31

    I just want to know where Steve is… (or where the Steve’s of the world are?). Has it occurred to – anyone other than myself, that most women in their 40’s are clear that they may meet someone divorced who has kids…? They may not want kids themselves, but are okay with being a step mother. I cannot have children and have come to the realization that at 50 I may meet someone who has them already. I don’t want to raise/rear any of my own at this late date, but am willing to be a weekend co-parent. BTW – I am mainly approached by men in their mid thirties.

32. Selena May 10th 2008 at 11:58 am 32

    Tracy,
    Steve I believe, is in the D.C. area. You’re not the only 40 something who’d like to meet a Steve-like man, yeah, where are they?

    Steve,
    Are you sure you can’t find the time to take over the blog? You’re balanced perspective and the way you present yourself is well respected around here.

    Selena

33. Cilla Jun 23rd 2008 at 07:24 pm 33

    I’m bumping this today, as I’ve had a lot of correspondence lately on dating sites from considerably younger men (I’m 46 and the last two were 31 and 23, respectively). I immediately dismissed the 23-year-old, since I have a 17-year-old son, and thought it would be a little creepy dating someone nearly his age. And then I went to a sporting activity tonight and met another 23-year-old who made my knees buckle! If he were to show any interest in me romantically, I don’t know that I could turn him away.

    The men in my age group seem to be bitter and resentful about women my age. I think they are still reeling from their divorces and want women who are much younger than their ex-wives. For those of us in our forties, that leaves the older gents (some of whom are great, but many of whom are just too old) and the young bucks.

    The younger men seem to hold women my age in higher regard and appreciate the whole person. They say older women treat them better, and women in their twenties are mean and fickle. Like others have posted, they also appreciate that we are comfortable financially and sexually–two things that take a lot of pressure off them in the relationship.

    I say go into a May-December romance with your eyes wide open. It may not be destined for a long life, but then again, it may be just what the parties need at the time. If you agree to have fun and re-evaluate if it starts to turn serious, why not?

34. Tam Jul 29th 2008 at 11:47 am 34

    Hi. I’m 44 and get hit on alot by younger guys. I have to agree with hem and say I don’t. I have one now who has a big crush on me and have a son 21. I’ve told him I thought the age thing was a huge issue and I run into him all the time and just grins (they are so adorable). Having to hide the fact that we would date would also be an issue for me.

35. Jeanne Jul 29th 2008 at 06:44 pm 35

    This is so depressing and reinforces the sad mantra that all men are pigs. Its ok for men to be with women young enough to be their daughters but if the genders are reversed, the older woman is just a booty call.

36. james Oct 28th 2008 at 08:48 am 36

    Jeanne – that’s a very rude thing to say. Funny how you could boil down a couple pages of intelligent discussion in to such an assanine statement. All men are not “pigs”, but YOU are very RUDE.

37. Cilla Oct 28th 2008 at 09:44 am 37

    My 17-year-old son asked me over dinner the other night how my dating life was going. I told him about a few people and mentioned one guy who was interested in me, but the relationship wasn’t going anywhere because he was 29 and eventually wanted a family (I’m 47 and don’t want more kids).

    “Mom!” he cried. “That puts you in cougar territory. I don’t know if I can handle that.”

    I replied, “Wouldn’t you rather have a cougar mom than one of those dried up old farts that you see at school events?”

    He thought about it for a moment and said, “I guess so. I should be pretty proud to have a mom who is hot enough to date guys in their twenties.”

    If my own kid is OK with it, I don’t care what the rest of society thinks. Pretend you’re in Europe where anything goes!

38. Lila Nov 1st 2008 at 09:57 am 38

    There is a 21 year old guy interested in me and I am 30 years old. I am often told I look really young for my age but if people ask me about my age, I know that I will feel a bit self conscious. I am just used to dating men who are older.

    The other nite, he wanted me to meet his brother and go to a party with them. I agreed. His brother was nice but after an hour of only talking about all his drunken experiences, and the fact that he’s underage? Well, I was so bored, I just got out of there.

    Not to mention that I can’t imagine being at a party with underage drinking and the cops showing up… lol

    My friend says that I am acting like an old maid and that 9 years isn’t that big of a difference. To which, I told her she’s crazy.

39. caley Jan 1st 2009 at 12:50 pm 39

    I am so confused!!! I am 34 and have been divorced for 5 years and I have a 5 year old son!! My son happens to be friends with a 7 year old who has a 20 year old brother and he litterally makes my stomach drop???!!! I am also very good friends with his mom. Is this just terrible? Since my divorce, I have dated but nobody made me laugh like this guy does? What do I do – should I just let it go? He seems to be interested but i’m not sure – HELP!!

40. Alexy Jan 15th 2009 at 08:54 am 40

    I am 44 and have been dating my guy who is 26 for over a year. I am involved in a number of areas of his life, we spend a lot of time together. And there are times he does not want to be in a committed relationship and I go with the flow, but lately he has been very jealous and does not want me dating other guys–sometimes I feel like he is my husband. If I try to end it, he does not want to end it–what does this say–I am not sure. I have fun, however I do go out on dates with other people. Should I take him seriously, not sure–for now I just enjoy our time together. We click on so many levels, we can talk for ours about everything, from sports, to CNN and NPR amongst other things.

    I have learned a lot from him and he has learned a lot from me.

    Who knows.

41. Karl R Jan 15th 2009 at 02:32 pm 41

    Caley, (#39)
    Without knowing all the details, I would recommend that you just let it go.

    Things to consider:
    1) If he’s interested, he may be trying to conceal that interest. That’s what I did (at that age & younger) when I had a crush on women who were inappropriate to date. Why tempt him when he’s working so hard to act appropriately?

    2) At some point in his teenage years, your son will have a crush on someone much older than him. Try explaining to him why it’s wrong for him to date someone 14+ years older, when it’s okay for you.

    3) Most 20 year olds haven’t taken responsibility for their lives. They’re in college, or living at home, or receive substantial support from home. If he’s been supporting himself for a few years (without assistance), that might change the story.

    4) Even if he is responsible enough to support himself, he’s probably not mature enough to be a father to your son. That rules him out for anything more serious than a fling.

    5) Unless the kid’s mother is extremely open-minded, you would lose your friendship with her if you got involved with her son.

    6) There’s nothing wrong with thinking this kid is drop-dead gorgeous and wishing you were closer in age … provided you don’t act on those thoughts.

    7) Avoid temptation. Make sure you don’t spend time alone with this kid. It will be a lot easier to act appropriately if you have a chaperone (even if it’s the 5 or 7 year old).

42. For Selena Jan 16th 2009 at 04:45 am 42

    “Selena Feb 28th 2008 at 01:29 pm 6

    I believe men have a biological clock too. Men in their 20’s & 30’s may say they don’t want kids (or may mistakenly believe they are sterile) but may start to feel otherwise as they approach 40. If you are a woman in her 40’s-60’s you are biologically done with that, and may well not want to start the childrearing process through adoption either. Something to think about when contemplating dating someone much younger with LTR in mind. ”

    Learn something about biology, toots……..women in their 40’s have babies.
    You give credit to men but not to women. How cloying and man-pleasing. I feel rather sorry for ignorant people pretending they are knowledgable. Hint hint, honey.

43. Marie Feb 25th 2009 at 12:42 pm 43

    I am so happy I found this post. I am also 44 and am dating a 25 year old guy. He thinks I am in my 30’s because I look like I am in my early thirties. I never asked him hold old he was, but when he was in the shower, I saw his driver’s license on the floor next to his pants. He makes me laugh, isn’t too clingy and we have amazing sex. We have been seeing each other for a month and a half. I have met some of his friends and they are all really nice and respectful, but I have to admit, sometimes it feels strange. I totally didn’t think that I would fall for him, but I am developing big time feelings for him and find that I get jealous of the prospect of him dating someone else. We haven’t even had that “conversation” about exclusivity. I treat him very well, cook for him, etc and he treats me well. He is so easy to talk to. I have tried to date guys my age and it is a nightmare. I am always approached by guys in their 20’s. I have had a fling or two in the past but it never went anywhere from there and I was fine with it. However, this guy is different. After we met, we spent 11 straight days and nights together and it was amazing. I just don’t know what to do now that I know I am falling for him. I can feel him pulling back. I know he is getting pressure from his family and I know my family and friends kind of think it is strange. At first I just wanted to have some fun, now what?

44. S. Williams Feb 25th 2009 at 03:56 pm 44

    Hi Marie,

    Why do people put so much stock in what others think?

    I couldn’t care less what other people think about my personal life.

    It is like having an invisible leash, you can only go as far as they (the people holding the leash) will let you.

    You can’t pick your family, but you sure can ignore them, and far as your friends go…if they don’t support you, you might need some new friends.

    Life is a journey to explore, not live by some ever shifting sets of rules created by people afraid to really live their lives.

    I say you talk to him about your relationship, and if it’s only what other people think that’s in your way screw’em…it’s your life, right?

    Good Luck! I hope it all works out for the best.

45. J Marie Mar 7th 2009 at 02:08 pm 45

    Hi,

    There was a young guy, 20 something in a class I met. He was half Brazilian, such a cutie. I never had kids or alot of younger guys in my family so he was something intriquing to me. I was in my early 40’s at the time. He was very warm and affectionate, always huggy and wanting to talk to me. We talked about sports cars, and sports during breaks ect. I seriously think he wanted to date me. However, I couldn’t so, offered “life mentoring” instead.
    I was almost embarrassed by his boldness and flattered at the same time. He flirted with me. I found out he liked certain parts of my female atributes,lol. Anyway, to make a long story short, he didn’t want friends with me, just either a lay or a relationship with me. Hence the age. Remember how you where in high school? He still brags about me, but not so much. It’s dying down. So he wanted, a lay, or a relationship, and bragging rights to his friends. I realize about the bragging rights, now because he shared some emails of mine to some mutual classmates we knew. Found that out later. I think he just got mad that he didn’t get any. He wanted to show me off to his family and friends. I suspect a little wanting to thank me for helping him out in class there to for his reason to take me out, but I never wanted to officially date him. Just hang while in class. Just be careful who you pick at that age. I don’t have bad vibes towards him, just not what I expected.

    Good luck and do some investigating:)

46. camille Mar 17th 2009 at 07:58 am 46

    my husband and i have an 11 yr difference and the ONLY one that has a problem with it is ME!! yes, i heard all of the negative comments, especially from women that were miserable with their bodies, marriages, etc, and had nothing else to do but down our relationship…

    have had multipe younger guys hit on me all the time, not interested in kids at all, like my independence, and certainly know that there is ONLY ONE LIFE TO LIVE SO FRIGGIN ENJOY IT!!!.

    live for yourself older women and if you are lucky enough to attract an younger man “”"” GOOD”"” but keep it real and make sure you are mid 40s’ try someone in their mid 30’s…,

    MAKE SURE YOU HAVE SIMILAR INTRESTS AND GOALS BEFORE GOING FURTHER AND HAVE FUN!!!!!

    YEAHHH, I DID AND STILL AM!!!!

47. Sayanta Mar 17th 2009 at 01:59 pm 47

    Cilla-

    I have the opposite problem you do. Men my age (30) don’t pay attention to me (I’m not counting catcalls), and the ones who do are old enough to be my father. And there is absolutely no way I’m ever dating anyone who’s more than five or six years older than me.

    I do get a lot of 18-year-olds who flirt with me, but that doesn’t count, since I can’t do anything about it.

    I know this is going to sound bad- but I am going SOLELY on what I’ve observed around me and with friends- I really think I would have had no problems with my love life if I’d been an Asian woman.

48. A-L Mar 17th 2009 at 05:50 pm 48

    Sayanta,

    Why do you think it would be easier to be an Asian (presumably East Asian rather than South Asian) woman rather than, say, a Caucasian one?

49. Sayanta Mar 18th 2009 at 07:46 am 49

    A-L-

    lol- probably because all my Caucasian girlfriends are single like me and the Asian ones aren’t. Please excuse my post previous post- it was induced by sleep-deprivation and an overall bad mood. (But my observation still stands)

50. Karl R Mar 18th 2009 at 09:03 am 50

    camille said:
    “my husband and i have an 11 yr difference”
    “but keep it real and make sure you are mid 40s’ try someone in their mid 30’s”

    There’s a world of difference between a 10 year age gap and a 20 year age gap. I’m in my late 30’s. Women 10 years younger than me are out of school and have had time to get steady employment. Women 20 years younger than me are in college. Women 10 years older than me make up a substantial portion of my yoga and dance classes. Women 20 years older than me are candidates for early retirement.

    It’s going to be a rare couple who can bridge a 20 year age gap as equals.

    Sayanta said: (#47)
    “there is absolutely no way I’m ever dating anyone who’s more than five or six years older than me.”

    Why not? Regardless of the criteria you’re using to choose a partner, I can almost guarantee that you can find someone with a 10 year age difference who still meets them. The women that I have dated who were +/- 10 years certainly weren’t average, and that allowed them to compare favorably with the women my age.

    The woman who was 11 years younger than me had the emotional and economic stability that I would expect from a date who was my age. The woman who is 9 years older than me has a fitness and energy level that rivals mine (substantially more than I expect of a date of any age).

    Sayanta said: (#47)
    “I really think I would have had no problems with my love life if I’d been an Asian woman.”

    This made me laugh. Where I go dancing, it’s almost cliche’ how many older men (usually the skeezier older men) practically line up to dance with the younger Asian women.

51. Sayanta Mar 18th 2009 at 01:51 pm 51

    Karl-

    Long story short- I’ve never been in a serious-serious relationship, and I don’t want my first one to be with someone too much older than me.

52. Hopeful Mar 18th 2009 at 06:54 pm 52

    I don’t think women go out of their way to meet younger men; they often try to to avoid such relationships. With that said, there is nothing wrong with having a serious relationship with the opposite gender that happens to be much younger or older than you. No need for games or hesitation. It’s part of the life experience even if your heart gets broken. As an adult, being able to trust another individual is an indication of strength; there’s too many bitter adults in this world. We need to nurture that innocent part of us that can keep on trusting others. Loving others and not expecting anything in return is the greatest gift that one can offer another. Older women may be attracted to younger men because these younger men love with sincerity, but down the road, society may influence their way of thinking which leads to confusion and doubt; eventually, the relationship may fail. I personally feel that many of the relationships mentioned above are very sweet and sincere. All of you should be thankful to have experienced such emotions and cherish them, because if you look carefully within, you may find that little kindled fire still burning inside which may be the source of your youthful natural appearance. Have you notice women who date younger men look extremely young and healthy for their age?

53. Mura Mar 18th 2009 at 08:23 pm 53

    I am 51 but most people think I’m at least 10 years younger. I like the energy of younger men but I prefer to stay within 5 years give or take. It’s all about having things in common.

    I was in a serious relationship with a man 11 years younger about 5 years ago. MISTAKE. I didn’t have a problem with the age thing but I did start to have issues with his lack of life experience simply because he had not had a chance to live through certains yet.

    About a month ago, I met a very handsome young man who I though was in his 30’s. He’s written a couple of books and we discussed those. I gave him my phone number. When he called, I asked him how old he was before we got too far into a conversation. He is 24!!!!!!! OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He saw nothing wrong with the age difference. I have 7 year old daughter. I told him that he closer to her age than mine. I have nieces and nephews older then him. I feel like his mother. He just kept saying that I was so cute and seemed like so much fun. Yes all that is true (LOL) but at my age, life is about so much more than being cute and having fun.

    He keeps calling. I won’t take his calls. He’s too sexy and It’s been a loooooooooooong time since I’ve been with anyone. I don’t want to go out like that. ROFLMAO

54. starthrower68 Mar 19th 2009 at 04:47 pm 54

    I had a 26-year-old beg me to go out. I believe I was 36 at the time. I might have been receptive had he not started whining like one of my kids when I hesitate. Real turn off.

55. Marie Apr 14th 2009 at 03:06 pm 55

    Well, it turns out things didn’t work out with the young guy. In March I went to Chicago for a week and when I got back, things seemed different from when I left. I was worried that that was going to happen as I knew his sister was against the whole thing and she has a big influence on him as he lives with her and her boyfriend. I knew that a neighbor his age had a big crush on him, so I am guessing that he got together with her when I was gone. It wasn’t so bad that that happend, it was just how he dealt with the situation. Less then a week after I got back, he avoided me and then he basically just dropped off the face of the earth with no explaination whatsoever. I mean I can see no explaination if it has only been a few days, a few weeks, but we had been seeing each other for a couple of months and I know he had feelings for me. I flat out asked him if he was seeing some one else, and seriously that would have been okay, I just wanted the truth and some closure, but never got it from him. Oh well, guess it must be a maturity thing. If it was me, I would have at least talked to him and told him what was up.

56. Hopeful Apr 16th 2009 at 10:29 pm 56

    Marie,
    I’m sorry to hear of the break up. Some people find it very difficult to tell the other person the reason for the break up because they still care for that other person. Hopefully, it’s not some stupid misunderstand. When we really love someone, we try to respect their wishes even if it hurts us. I think it’s beautiful how people fall in love with one another.

57. Monica May 12th 2009 at 10:57 am 57

    does anyone see anything wrong with a 31 year old woman (me) dating a 20 year old man?….. the 20 year old looks likes he is under 20 but his drivers license says he is 20….a relative told me that when we are together in public that people probably think i am his mother… but i know i do not look that old to have a kid that big… people say i look about 25… any response would be appreciated….

58. Lucy May 13th 2009 at 04:04 am 58

    Monica #57

    Well, when you go to a restaurant you won’t be able to share a bottle of wine with him. lol.

    Does it matter if anyone else sees “something wrong” with it? Isn’t it really about how comfortable YOU are with the relationship?

59. starthrower68 Jul 13th 2009 at 12:34 pm 59

    Wow, had a 24-year-old hit on me and now my brain is short-circuting from all the diametrically opposed advice. Evan, I would be interested to know WHY you recommend a woman give serious consideration to entering such an arrangement (because let’s face it, it’s more often an arragement rather than an actual relationship).

60. Steve Jul 14th 2009 at 09:30 am 60

    It would be about sex and would likely not last. That could be a good thing! If it is for you, mazeltov!

61. starthrower68 Jul 14th 2009 at 12:12 pm 61

    I view it as a waste of time, but hey, if it’s for someone else, far be it from me to judge.

62. starthrower68 Jul 14th 2009 at 12:58 pm 62

    And if I’m really honest, I can’t contemplate what a 24-year-old who is very easily a 10 wants with a 41-year-old woman who is overweight (though I’ve lost 15 lbs on Weight Watchers), and if any of my friends or family found out I was involved with this kid, I’d be mortified, and I know that as soon as one of us became bored, it would be done with.

63. Kurt Aug 20th 2009 at 02:35 pm 63

    I am a 28 year old single dad with a four year old son and I have had 5 years of life experience as a dad and 10 years working experience as a teacher. I like to work out and keep fit and have fun without the whole getting drunk scene.
    I have always been attracted to women my age, a bit younger and as much as twenty years older so long as they were youthful in personality, sexy and liked to keep fit.
    I think I connect with them mentally because I have already gone through what a lot of other men only start going through in their thirties and forties.
    It is true that women who are older have learned from past relationships, are very appreciative of the compliments, affection and love that you show them. The ones that I am attracted to have lively sexy personalities so there is so much to be had.
    You older women who want to have fun should so and see where it leads. You can’t even be sure where a relationship will take you when you are the same age so just enjoy the ride and see if it lasts. If it doesn’t then at least it is an enjoyable experience. I wouldn’t mind marrying a women older than me but considering that I am 28 I would probably only marry someone who is in their mid forties at the oldest because I would have to be realistic as far as if we wanted to have kids together.
    I would like to have four kids and I already have one so I wouldn’t mind including previous or adopting or making some together.
    In any case, older women who are youthful and fit make for appreciative, sexy, passionate, appreciative partners so long as you also connect mentally it will last.
    Happy cub hunting to those sexy cougars out there!

64. Jim Aug 21st 2009 at 09:17 am 64

    sorry, i met my wife when i was 24 and she was 42. that was 18 years ago and i have to say it has been the best life i could ask for. It was depends on what you want. i wanted some body with their crap toghther and after 4 years in the Navy, playing the field was realy old. all the girls my age justed wanted to play head games and party. I wanted a life, and i got one. so while MOST guys are out for a good time, not all. Just be sure to figurer out which is which.

65. OMG! Feb 7th 2010 at 08:29 pm 65

    Maura #53,
    R U NUTS? He keeps calling but you don’t want 2 go out? And why not? Tell me something-if a totally sexy 24 yr. old called a 51 yr. old man for an innocent date, do you think the guy would hesitate and say no? It’s because you have been conditioned by society to believe (possibly) that all women shpuld date older men ALL the time. That’s great for older men but not so much for women. So if a sexy 24 yr. old wants to contact U, I say…Go out like that, to use your words. Good luck! Keep us posted! ttfn

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