What Do Men Get Out of Looking At Other Women? (And Why Do Men Cheat?)

What Do Men Get Out of Looking at Other Women? (And Why Do Men Cheat?)

Dear Evan,

What is it that men get out of looking/gazing at beautiful women, nude or otherwise?

I have read on other websites that men actually get a chemical “high” in their brain when they see an attractive woman and that is why they are so drawn to look at other women even when they are in love with another. I’m wondering, from your perspective, what you think it is. Are men sexually “turned on” when they see a beautiful woman naked and automatically fantasize about having sex with her or is it more of just plain old admiration for the beautiful female form with no arousal? And, if it is sexual arousal, does that happen only in seeing a naked woman (magazine, strip joint, porn) or does that happen when you see a beautiful clothed woman as well? I have always been very curious about this as I think it is very different for women. –Cat

Dear Cat,

Thoughtful and provocative question, and I’m going to attempt to tackle it even though I’m no therapist, historian or biologist.

First off, I want to acknowledge that everything you wrote, in my estimation, is true.

Men, regardless of relationship status, get a chemical high in seeing attractive women.

Men can appreciate the female form, either clothed or naked.

Men, regardless of relationship status, get a chemical high in seeing attractive women.

Men are aroused by images of clothed or naked women (but not as much as you’d think.)

What I’d like to add to all of those ideas is that none of that should affect your relationship…unless you make it affect your relationship.

In other words:

GOOD men, regardless of relationship status, get a chemical high in seeing attractive women.

GOOD men can appreciate the female form, either clothed or naked.

GOOD men are aroused by images of clothed or naked women (but not as much as you’d think.)

Without covering the entire landscape of debates about DNA or evolution or propagation of the species, here’s my take on the whole thing:

Men, since the beginning of time, were designed to spread their seed.

Because monogamy lowers the chances that our genes will survive, men are not, by nature, monogamous creatures. We choose monogamy because we deem that it’s more beneficial to have love, stability, and a nuclear family than to have lots of children running around with our eyes. But make no mistake, monogamy is a choice, not a natural state.

Men can watch porn, fantasize about other women, and still be great husbands and fathers.

Anyway, in my estimation, the male sex drive has nothing to do with kindness or personality or compatibility. It is entirely based on physical attraction, which we feel instantly with the release of dopamine, serotonin, and testosterone. This is why men can know if they would sleep with you in less than five seconds.

As far as what’s physically attractive? I think it’s largely based on societal reinforcement. Most men, for example, agree that symmetrical faces with small noses and certain hip to waist ratios (thin waist, wider hips) are considered attractive. Naturally, there are some men who like older women or heavier women or women with one leg. There’s a lid for every pot. Still, a lot of men still want to try on the same lid, who just happens to be 20-30 years old, have stunning features and is built like a Barbie doll. Moving along…

Next, I’d like to assert that a man’s sexual tastes and feelings of attraction don’t disappear because he is in love with another woman.

His intense feelings for his girlfriend may lessen his desires to look elsewhere for sex. But once those intense feelings of chemistry go away (as they usually do after 18 to 36 months – just long enough to conceive and raise a young child), his attraction will still spike every time he sees an attractive woman, in some form or another.

The more self-aware men understand this intellectually, and relegate those spikes of attraction to what they are – biologically programmed bursts of pleasure. We give ourselves doses of this pleasure when we’re walking on a beach, when we’re at an outdoor concert, when we’re at parties, and especially when we’re on the Internet. I’ve heard that 30% of the internet is porn, and if this is the case, it should be no surprise.

Men crave variety. This is normal. It’s all about whether he acts on this desire.

Men can admit attraction to favorite celebrities, and still be great husbands and fathers.

Men can watch porn, fantasize about other women, and still be great husbands and fathers.

Men can go to bachelor parties, go to a strip club, and still be great husbands and fathers.

I know this because I’ve done all of the above and I know I am not alone.

And since the value of my marriage is far greater than the value of sleeping with a stranger in Paris, I remain faithful, even though I’m attracted to other women everywhere I go. It would never even occur to me after 300 dates and nearly 10 years as a dating coach that there’s anyone out there who’d make me happier for the next forty years than my own wife.

That doesn’t mean in some alternate universe that I wouldn’t like to be able to have my cake and eat it, too. That’s essentially what alpha males do – get married and keep sleeping with other women. John Edwards, Bill Clinton, Tiger Woods, Kobe Bryant – we can probably make a list of most politicians, athletes and rock stars.

Men would be perfectly content having missionary sex with a new woman every night.

So why do men cheat?

Because they’re perpetually attracted to new women.

Because they’re high profile, rich, ambitious men who are desirable to these women.

Because they’re so important that they don’t think the rules apply to them.

Because they travel a lot and are frequently exposed to temptation.

Because they don’t value their wives as much as the thrill.

Because they don’t rationally calculate the value of their losses. So Tiger sleeps with a waitress in a Denny’s parking lot and he loses a half billion dollars, his wife, his kids, and his golf mojo. Somehow, I don’t think he considered that with his pants around his ankles.

This is just a long, roundabout way of saying that, in general, men want variety.

I recall a study that said the exact same thing.

Men would be perfectly content having missionary sex with a new woman every night.

Women would be perfectly content with the same man forever, as long as he mixed it up in the bedroom a bit.

The results didn’t surprise me in the least.

Once again, I am not defending men. I am explaining men. Not every single man on the planet. Some men only have eyes for their wife. Some men are attracted to other men. Some men couldn’t conceive of having sex with a woman he didn’t love.

These are perfectly normal men, but they are also exceptions.

So even if we establish that men are driven by sex, it’s far from the whole story, as evidenced by the 50 million married men in the United States.

Simply put, men want love, too. Even if we still like to look elsewhere.

It’s far better to understand and accept these qualities in men than to shame them, insult them, or tell them that they’re wrong for being this way.

As long as he treats you well and doesn’t take action on his desires, you’ve got a good man whose desire for you is stronger than his real sexual impulse to be with someone else.


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  1. 1

    I have to say, this was a major growing up point for me, when I read Manslations by Jeff Mac, and looked at the evidence, and realised that, yes indeed, most men are on some level sexually attracted to most attractive women. Even the devoted man by my side.

    It actually was a liberating realisation for me. It meant that, no, I don’t have to worry about that attractive busty blonde at the party, because she doesn’t mean any more to him than the tall, willowy brunette with the short skirt. Other attractive women are a fact of life, might as well get used to it.

    Now that I know this, actually, how men’s minds work, I am vastly grateful and smile warmly to myself every time there’s a gorgeous woman around, or on television, and he keeps his thoughts to himself for my sake :)

    1. 1.1

      And the key comment in your post is “smile warmly to myself every time there’s a gorgeous woman around, or on television, and he keeps his thoughts to himself for my sake ”  my problem is when your husband TELLS you anytime he  sees a hot woman……….” wow!  wonder what it would be like to have sex with THAT!”  Or how about this one…”God, HER boyfriend is a lucky s.o.b” or  “Wow, that a great pair of tits..wish I could see her nipples better!   Get the picture.  Advice to me…look at women all you want – fantazie about having them sex with them – be the jerk you are but YOU DONT HAVE TO TELL YOU WIFE YOUR EVERY SHITTY THOUGHT.  It is disrespectful  and devalues her as your wife.  You can bet this gal wouldnt get married again for all the tea in China!

      1. 1.1.1

        Laura, I was married to someone like you shared; extremely hurtful! I left him and eventually married a guy that said my ex was a pig (knew him well) and treated me like a queen until the day he died 28 years later. My ex & I have a daughter and he told her that he regrets losing me and knows he was a fool. The funny thing is that we are OK with each other today, he is married to a great lady and I just recently got married to another guy that calls me “my queen”. The moral of the story is: there are tell-tale signs, watch for them while dating, whether he is a pig or a keeper—-heed them.

      2. 1.1.2

        Try smiling warmly at a handsome young guy at a party or drop a comment or 2 about the gorgeous guy next to the wonan he is commenting on. See how quickly his attention turns back to you. Worked for me :). Actually I don’t even notice now when my husband is looking at other women. I’m too busy checking out the other guys.

  2. 2

    Why are so many women invested in the idea that women aren’t visually stimulated?  I love seeing attractive men with nice bodies.  It doesn’t have anything to do with whatever man I might be with, nor would it make me cheat. And I think that if it turns on your partner before he comes to bed with you, or if you watch it together and get ideas all the better.

    I’m really annoyed that we keep acting as though women are these overly emotional creatures whose delicate female eyes don’t respond to dirty, dirty porn (or at least romantic real sex) and nicely built/hung nake male bodies.  I’m pretty pissed off that the new movie Magic Mike does not have male nudity.  All of those perfect bodies and no one goes full monty.  What is up with that? I actually got to a strip show where the men, who were really attractive and really well-endowed, took it all off, and I’d be the biggest lying liar from Lying-ham if I said that it didn’t turn me on.  I think every woman in that room (ranging in age from 21 to elderly) was turned on by what their eyes saw.  I’ve never gone to a strip show again b/c in most places, men can’t go full monty (and it’s a big load of crap and a waste of time).

    We might be conditioned to say it’s bad, and that the women are exploited (even though female porn stars make more money than their male counterparts), but a lot of that is socialization.  Women aren’t supposed to like looking at dirty pictures and dirty movies and they like to label everyone who does as being a pervert and a cheater.

    I found this article and the fact that women and men have the same physiological response to these images is not a surprise.  Nor is it a surprise to think that women will either deny it or insist that it is indicative of negative pathology.

    I THINK (thanks to a male friend and a documentary that I saw) that that  there IS more female produced porn that is more about the romance and the idea that women should be pleasured and less “wham/bam” than what turns a lot of women off.

    But I’ll be the first to say…I’m a woman, I have eyes, and my eyes like seeing attractive men and no they will not fall out at the sight of an attractive man who is working hard to please a woman.  TMI but the internet makes me okay admitting it, and I have other friends who totally agree.

    There is stuff that turns men on, and stuff that turns women on, but I think a lot of it is more production value and story line and less that women dont’ have eyes and don’t like to see it.  We just like to see it played out differently.  But some men like that more romance oriented porn too.

    Now clearly, there is stuff that is and should be illegal. But legal adults have legal, consensual sex that is filmed is not the problem, and it’s not a sign of some mental defect if you like seeing it sometimes (which isn’t the same as the people who can’t leave their computer and get fired from work b/c they can’t stop looking for even a few minutes).  

    1. 2.1

      @Nicole — you sound much like my wife, and these are some of the major reasons why our marriage is hotter now than it was 25 years ago when we started.  She understands men in a way that’s unusual, and I think I understand women pretty well (for a man :-)  This allows us to meet in a middle ground of understanding, and not judge or criticize each other for what we know to be our basic nature.  We respect and trust each other, which means we admire but don’t stare obviously or make comments we know would be uncomfortable or hurtful to each other.  This seems like basic stuff to us, but unfortunately there are many relationships where this is difficult or impossible.  That’s the part that makes *me* sad (@Sophia)

    2. 2.2

      I also really hate the wiew on woman about we are not visual. Like from the age of 10 I was spying on naked man and I love it. I love good looking naked hunks. I feel no any diffrent like man when comes to sex. And I do masturbate to naked man photos and porn general, but not addicted to it. The dick stick is very handsome to me and I have no any problem to be arosed by it. 

    3. 2.3

      Hi, I Do not agree with this last post one bit.  I personally don’t like the male mind and find it insulting.  I constantly feel not good enough when the person I am with looks at other women.  I wish I looked like the woman he looks at.  If I wasn’t pregnant I would Never be with another man EVER.  Esp after my 12 year marriage to a womanizer where his innocent acts of looking at other women and porn lead to cheating. I always show respect and never even look at a man who may have nice facial features etc… who the F cares… their penises are all the same and their minds are all gross.  I’ve worked in the bar industry for about 10 years and the things i’ve seen  ….  I think good on the girls/ strippers or even servers who work it because Men are stupid enough to give them their money hahaha No I have no respect for men because if you cant control your thoughts in your own personal space (your head)  Im gonna work it to get that cash o la and I did. And all the strippers and bar maids I know would never be in a serious relationship cause we all know the truth… YUCK.  I stick with my sistas.

      1. 2.3.1
        Evan Marc Katz


        “Their penises are all the same and their minds are all gross”
        “I have no respect for men because if you cant control your thoughts in your own personal space (your head) Im gonna work it to get that cash o la and I did””
        “I stick with my sistas.”

        On behalf of all men, thank you.

      2. 2.3.2

        Our 10 year wedding anniversary is less than a month away.  My husbands innocent acts of looking lead to addictive porn use and he has become the creepy guy who checks out EVERY woman, even while driving he has to look inside EVERY car to see if there is a female in it.  Our marriage is on the line and I’m just saying this is not innocent.  It leads to addiction from the “high” and they litterly f up their brain.. it is not reversible once they come to the addictive stage…  sex attics, look it up.

      3. 2.3.3

        Honestly, if most women knew the truth from the beginning, they might never ever get married. If you are the kind of woman that men claim that they want (sexually selective, clean, modest despite being gorgeous, devoted, hardworking, not into hypergamy, and take good care of your body), at best, you will eventually be “loved” (in an agape way and not an erotic way after infatuation wears off), as an incubator to make babies and a cash machine to pay half the bills. Whores are respected more than “Madonnas” any day of the week. In fact, the whores are placed on a pedestal. I always read on the internet about all the porn stars setting unrealistic standards of beauty and sex appeal, and wonder of they see the same thing that I caught my husband looking at. Most of them women look sickly and flappy. I don’t think he was looking for beauty, because he has that with me. I think he was looking for dirt and raunch. He lied to me and hid it from me for a few years. To hell with it. I agree that it isn’t enough to leave a husband over, especially when you have children, but it sure as f*ck does not make a man a good husband. It makes him less of a man, and scientific studies actually show it lowers testosterone and damages the brain. People need to spare the pissed off wives of all the naturalistic fallacies to justify this behavior. Also, it does not help to argue that “all men are doing this nowadays” (does that make it good, just because “everyone else is doing it?”), or the dreaded “it’s not about you!” -Well no sh!t it’s not about me, and that’s the f’ing problem. This is just a way to show that our exclusive erotic connection has been disposed of, because it’s “not about me.” It’s about all the dirty herpes infested sacks of venereal warts on the internet that moan really loud, because they don’t have small children in the next room that might hear. 

    4. 2.4

      Hallelujah! My thoughts presicely! Finally an honest woman. Woman are so hypocritical and men are actually too silly to realize they’re being played. Ever been to the Chippendales? And then listen to the conversations afterwards. Women are worse than men but it just suits them to make their husbands/boyfriends think they are wholier than the virgin Mary.

  3. 3

    This is so sad, it makes me not want to date anyone and be single forever…

    1. 3.1

      I agree! Sometimes I think I would be much happier single and penniless than having to fret over every attractive woman he smiles at or flirts with! This article makes it seem men are incapable of being a respectable man with respect for his wife! I think it is sad that they cant control themselves because psychologically they have a penis and very little will power! It is very degrading to me when my husband and I are at a beauty salon and I am trying to make myself beautiful for him. Does he appreciate the hours it took me to do my make up? No, he barely comments. But he acknowledges any other attractive females makeup or jewelry assets. It is and should never be acceptable. I will definitely not be getting with another guy for long time if ever when I get divorced. My life will be so much more peaceful without this stress and I will be able to love myself at last! Good riddens to controlling, nasty men!!!

      1. 3.1.1

        You totally missed the point of this article…good luck.  As a man I am just shaking my head…

        1. Miks

          I don’t think she missed the point she’s just not interested in men if that’s what they’re all like. And I agree! Sex is just painful if I know you’re going to be fantasizing about some other woman the next day. 

        2. Ela

          You can shake your primitive brain carrying head of yours all you want, obviously you are one of the average males on this planet…. And, with all due respect, you wouldn’t be able to understand how the average male behavior affects the more superior thinking beings as women apparently are, at least based on this article….

        3. Jeanie

          I am 60 yrs old and have been married for  30 yrs. I totally get the point of this article. My husband has been looking at other women & fantasizing about them for about 25 yrs. now. He is a wonderful husband & father. But you know what? It has always affected me & made me feel like less of a woman, even though I did my best to not let it bother me. I was never quite happy, though I really did my best to smile & make light of his attraction to other women. Now that I’m much older, the pain has become much worse. My husband is still looking at 20-30 yr olds, when I’m 60. C’mon, how much self esteem can a 60 yr old woman have when she compares herself to a 20 or even 30 yr old? You know what I say? Grow the fuck up men! Your wife who u have chosen for life, deserves for u to only have eyes for her. I think a grown up, loving man can make that sacrifice for the woman he claims to love. It is not love to perpetually hurt your wife & destroy her self esteem. And it is a rare woman who can deal with your wandering eye with a smile upon her face. I wish I either waited for a man who only had eyes for me, or never got married at all. I was a pretty hot chick in my day, & still my self esteem suffered to the point where I am today. Love means forsaking all others, not just in body but also in mind, heart & soul. Your wedding vows should have told u that.

      2. 3.1.2

        this is exactly the article I needed. I am in tears right now. No matter how much weight I lose I will never be pretty and I will never be tall like the women he breaks his neck to look at. He does tell me he loves me everyday. He kisses me goodbye before he goes to work. He loves that I do all of the cooking in the cleaning. He says that before he met me he never thought he was a attractive..  I tell him you’re sexy and hot every single day. He never tells me this. I’ve been googling how to become anorexic. I’m 5’4 and weigh 158 pounds. I have crooked teeth. I forgot that I wasn’t attractive until it become in a relationship with this man. Just three weeks ago he put a very expensive diamond on my finger. A few of my female friends and family members are extremely jealous. But this is exactly the article I needed. If I looked at another man it would break his heart. Whenever I have happened to do the two second glance at another man, he notices, and he slumps over and gets depressed. But I only started doing this at the advice of some internet articles that said to do this and give him a taste of his own medicine. I sometimes even feel suicidal over his looking at other women. It would be one thing if he looked at women that look like me. He does not. I’ve even called them form and s**** to their faces for dressing like sluts. But I’m normally a very calm sweet loving female. Very devoted. Very domestic. I just can’t live with it. If I cannot carry out this anorexic thing, I’m sending my daughter to her father’s, we have lots of guns in this house. I know how to load them and I know how to shoot them. I would never hurt my family. I would never hurt him. & I promise I would never kill myself in our home. But I just can’t take it. It shatters my heart into a million pieces. And he knows this. He can look at women all the time whenever he’s not with me. But he doesn’t with me. I can’t take it anymore.

        1. dawn

          I meant he DOES it with me. Couldn’t spellcheck on this

        2. Karmic Equation


          You have to remember one thing Dawn — Just because YOU find him attractive doesn’t mean those women HE looks at finds HIM attractive.

          He can look, but if they don’t look back, and he has no chance with them, what is there to be worried about?

          Being confident will change him faster than being fearful and needy. He proposed to you. He’s going to marry you. You’re ruining a good thing by being insecure. 

        3. tamara

          @Dawn: Aww things will be ok. Excess weight can be lost and crooked teeth can be fixed. U can be prettier.
          How can u be suicidal over him looking at other women? I don’t know if u mean he gives them a 2nd glance or if he very obviously leers at them, but whatever it is, it’s not worth ur life. And don’t your daughter, ur family and your friends mean smthg to u too?
          I think (sorry…) that the problem is more your insecurities, because if u were confident and a guy treated u a way u hated, u’d just walk away and be with someone else. I hope u get some counselling/therapy, and meanwhile try to improve the way u look if it helps u feel better. And I can’t imagine being with a guy if I didn’t feel beautiful in his eyes, so I couldn’t endure a rship like yours, but that’s just me. Anyway there’s always a better solution than suicide.

        4. Kim

          Dawn, no man is worth your life over.  There are good men out there. I know I have been in relationships with very good looking men that never caused me this kind of pain.  I think it is the insecure men that do this.  They do not feel good about themselves so they try to prop themselves up on other women. They need to hold on to the boobs to keep from falling down that is how low their self-esteem is.  I know this because I have an inexperienced, immature man that does this a lot.  What will put these kind of men in their place is for you to hold yourself up high and think that you are all that and totally beautiful. Walk and talk and think of yourself as beautiful. And expect some backlash from him when you do it.  I am an attractive women and I will flaunt it and it will piss my husband off and throw him totally off balance. 

        5. Robin

          Thanks, Jeanie, for your comment. I am 38 years old and am engaged to a man that I love, but can’t fully trust. I have been with him for almost 5 years and my little girl calls him “daddy,” He used to stare at women all the time and used to actually WATCH a particular girl at work often. He would make obnoxious comments like “Wow, look at that!” And sometimes he would even make grunting sounds. He would pass up going with me somewhere to spend time together so he could stay home to watch porn. Pretty pathetic!!! I have been soooooo torn up over this. Now, he just tried to do it “under radar” so he doesn’t catch hell. And he will tell me he has changed and it’s all in my crazy head. But, sometimes, he tries so hard to hide it that he makes it obvious! No matter how hard I try, I’m not good enough and never will be. I don’t even recognize myself anymore. I have prayed so much for us and for him. Don’t know what to do-never been so confused or lost. New evidence has floored me and that’s why I find myself drinking and bawling in my dark dining room at 5 o’clock in the morning, texting a total stranger. We are supposed to get married in about 3 1/2 months. My kids need stability and after everything I have been through, I am exhausted. Just want a normal family life where I can trust the person I lay next to every night. Is that too much to ask?

        6. Evan Marc Katz

          No, it’s not.

          Your comment isn’t about looking at other women, which is not. This is about trust. Dump your fiance before it’s too late. It’s not his fault he’s not trustworthy. It’s your fault for choosing him and letting it go this long.

      3. 3.1.3

        I totally agree with you Lisa.  100 %.  Its so hurtful.

      4. 3.1.4


        I totally agree with you.  I got married to a man I knew from high school and had not seen for over 30 years.  We lived together for a one year  and he totally adored me.  I never got the feeling he was looking at other women back then.  But now he is different after looking a playboy for years and then porn on the internet while single.  We have been together three years and the first year he looked a nude girls 5 times a day. He looked when I was asleep, when I went to the store, when I was cooking his food.  I finally let him have it and I told him a wanted a divorce.   He begged me not to leave him.  He stopped viewing naked girls but I catch him looking in cars and looking at women almost every time we go out. It is a feeling you get as a women.  The problem is I cannot prove it.  If I get the fortunate opportunity to prove it, he can kiss his ass goodbye. I was single and did not date for 15 years.  Those 15 years were the happiest years of my life and I want that happiness back.   The real truth is this…..men have been told many lies about their sexuality by profiteers like hefner and flint.  And like the man that wrote the bullshit above…about spreading their seeds.  Lies…lies…lies.  Men that believe all of that do not own their own sexuality…flint and hefner own it!!!!


        1. Julie

          i agree with you, men are told lies. this article is designed to make a man continue to wank over other women. I found the most beautiful women with her bum stuck up in the air, deliberately designed to turn my man on, well I will be turning him on by showing him the picture then smacking him over the head with it. There has hardly been any touching or intimacy between us and he refuses to discuss it. He try’s to convince me that nothing’s wroNg. Honestly I felt like leaving today over the sexy website I found. we have been together for 24 years and now I am 48. If what men are doing is so right then why do we all feel the same, like this. Insecure, unhappy and especially wanting to change ourselves to look better which is pretty impossible when your aging.

    2. 3.2

      Same here Sophia, same here :( 

      1. 3.2.1


        Sophia and Lisa, that is precisely how I see many women feeling this day and time. It is very hurtful, and truly I have no interest in another man but my husband it doesn’t even turn me on. I have had friends ask me to see the male strippers I was not interested. I have had friends want to go and pose and get pics of male nude models again I had no interest. I completely turned it all down. Then I find porn mags and pono’s under my bed not but about six weeks later. I am lost and disappointed.  All this time I thought I was being respectful in not doing things like that with my girlfriends only to find out it has been done to me numerous times behind my back at that. 

    3. 3.3

      Same here ! I feel I have to be alone  if i don t tolerate this . It is to fight a losing battle . I would like to be able not to  fall in love  and not believe in love . But what a life without it  . The only way for me would be to have a succesfull  a carrier as a life. This is crazy , men would not tolerate half of this,  if it was the case for women but because it is men it is tolerated . What a life ! This is sad and this the truth and i always knew it. Many women knows but some pretends it is okay with them . 
      Maybe the way we perceive this horrible challenge between love and men relations to sex and other women  is the way they see commitment  .Eg :  “I wish i would be able to have it all ” sadly all is socially not acceptable , it is mote  convenient to get married . “They are maybe as forced to monogomy than as we are by accepting their ‘ sexual arrousal” for everthing 

      Key: women can only be half happy constantly because their expectation will never be fully met with men 

      1. 3.3.1

        well, let me tell you one thing for sure.. here where the religion comes in.. if you ppl ever researched on “islam” this is the ONLY religion which tell the men to lower their gaze… to be respectful to other women.. to love and respect your wife.. there is a big punishment for the people who watch such things and are unfaithful to their spouse.. so i think it’s better to be a religious person.. rater than being a shamuck and staring and fantazing about every other woman… 

        1. starthrower68

          No, not so much.  There’s is a whole list of Biblical Scripture that addresses this. But the majority of Evan’s readers are neither Christian or Muslim, and are not likely to use either holy book as the basis for a code of conduct.

        2. Taydra

          Funny how the Islamic leaders think that the existence of women is unnatural and we should be forced to stop existing as soon as possible.

          also, it’s illegal for woman to decide to breathe. It is up to her husband whether she’s allowed to breathe or not. 

      2. 3.3.2

        and to be specific there is an equal punishment for men for cheating on their wives and fantasizing about other women, and watching pron… so don’t feel so low.. just search for the truth… i hope the moderator lets these comments to be posted 

        1. anonymous

          And in Islam, men are also allowed to marry 4 wives.

        2. Karmic Equation

          And I think they can divorce a wife simply by saying, “I divorce you” four times?

          Tom10 in another thread surmised that much of the tension in middle-eastern countries that breed terrorists. Because those men follow Islam and have no place to put their sexual energy and therefore, put that energy into extremist thinking (if I die a martyr, I’ll have access to 100 virgins in heaven (or whatever Islam heaven is)). It’s unnatural to subvert one’s healthy sexuality. Take Catholic priests scandals, for example. Need I say more?

          In another thread, someone else mentioned that many middle-eastern men are into “anal” sex. And this is because they’re not allowed to have sex with women. So the loophole is that they have sex with other men.

          Be careful what you wish for.

          God has a sense of humor. 

        3. Adam

          Yes, and in Islam, a man can have sex with as many women as he wants even while married, so porn is really a non-issue. It is not uncommon for men to have one wife and then to marry another additional wife for as little as one day and then divorce her. Then they repeat the process over and over. That way they are able to have sex with other women and not break the laws of their religion.

    4. 3.4

      Gabe I agree with. I mean if a woman can not even deal with acknowledging that a man finds other women attractive, will look and fantasize on occasion about other woman, then you have personal issues and insecurities. This is not something we control, it is an impulse that we are born with. If someone shouts don’t look up……. your instinct is to look up, this is similar to why men look at other women. If he vocally acknowledges every attractive woman to you, then tell him to stop and keep it to himself. If he doesn’t acquiesce, then he doesn’t respect or care for you and it’s time to move on. Ela, we are all primitives, including you, but men are capable of controlling those instincts as good men do. While we might still think about other woman, men that love their partners, know what they have lose and act accordingly. Most of the women complainers on here, need to stop complaining or blogging about it and actually tell their man about these problems. We can’t read minds you know. But if you’re one of the crazies that can not even deal with a guy looking at other woman or accept the fact that there are other beautiful woman out there, then look inward because the problem lies with you.

      1. 3.4.1

        Hopefully, you can deal with your woman looking at other men as well. Women are sexual beings, too, and men can do it, but hate it when it is done to them. Keep your post in mind when you see your wife gawking at Tom Hardy (I know I would).

  4. 4

    Oh, sorry to double post but I should mention that at that show, a table of older women rushed the stage, tackled one of the dancers, and scared the hell out of him.  The bouncers had to pull them off (he was insanely good looking) and he was clearly shaken.  I’m sorry he was traumatized but it was kind of hilarious (and I apologize for that b/c no one would be able to laugh if that was done to a female stripper).  They took him DOWN to the floor.

    Yeah, but let’s keep believing that women are so offended and repulsed by male nudity outside of their own bedrooms.

  5. 5

    I think the main reasons I used to get upset when I saw my man ogling attractive women is because 1) It’s was okay for him to look, but I couldn’t; 2) They would often cheat with these other women, but THAT was okay because they’re “genetically programmed” to; and 3) I liked to think I was special to him; special enough that he wouldn’t want to hurt my feelings by so blatantly staring at a beautiful woman in such a way that the words, “Damn, I sure wish I had her instead of you” could be heard by everyone in the room, even though he hadn’t actually uttered them aloud. I’m 43 and I’ve dated probably 30 men in my lifetime who have done one or all of these things, and I realize now that this is simply how they are, so guess what? My turn!  I have zero qualms about flirting in front of my dates or cheating on boyfriends. I feel bad for any man who might actually want a monogomous, loving, nurturing, supportive partner as I did all those years, but you have no right to complain when a woman cheats. MEN are the ones who have made us this way. Do unto others, boys. Do unto others…. 

    1. 5.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      @Elaine – You’re still missing it.

      I didn’t say it’s okay for him, but not for you.
      I didn’t say it’s okay to cheat based on genetic programming.
      I didn’t say it’s okay for a man to blatantly ogle to the point that it’s embarrassing.

      That’s what YOU experienced.

      My point is that you can have a “monogamous, loving, nurturing, supportive partner” who still appreciates other women’s beauty.

      I know this because I am that partner to my wife.

      And I can assure you that the answer to cheating men is not to become a cheating woman. Learn to accept good men; don’t become just like the bad ones.

      1. 5.1.1

        As a woman, the only uplifting part on your article was the mentioning of a few good men. I have just lost the one I had, because he actually wasn’t. Even if  these good men are an exception and few in numbers, being fully satisfied at having their eyes on their women only, they make it worthy for women like myself to look for and hope for a dream to become reality.  I can only feel fulfilled and thrive in all aspects, especially sexually, in a monogamous relationship, where there is love and dedication in mind, body and soul from both sides.  And if I never find that man, I’d rather live with the dream. And based on the responses to your article, I am not the only woman to feel this way.

      2. 5.1.2

        So if you have a loving,  nurturing, supportive partner that loves you. Why does he have to look at other women? Isn’t the woman he “loves” worth all his time and attention.  If a guy has to look at other women then I think they aren’t happy with the one they have and they shouldn’t be in a relationship. 

      3. 5.1.3

        Dear Evan, I think you are missing the point. Perhaps women want a bit more then a ‘nuturing father and a ‘good’ husband’ They want a polite one aswell. Or perhaps your definition of a good man is different of what most women think is a good bloke. And if a wonan turns around and starts acting the same way? So what? If that makes her feel better.

    2. 5.2

      @elaine I agree Elaine! If they want to cheat and lust with there eyes but act like us women who do that makes us women slutts and men are high fived as players or mackers I think is just wrong and sexist! True, us women do have hormones and eyes, too! But another thing we have had for far too long is respect to not make them uncomfortable. I find it so wrong that my husband will find it perfectly ok for him to stare and I mean a long stare or flirt right in front of me in public and then look at me because he knows it makes me uncomfortable but be offended if I decide to say forget it and check out cute guys online. He will literally grab the cell out of my hands. So when women are jealous, it is because we are insecure and men are basically controlled by whats in there pants? Are we really that weak minded? We need to say no, we deserve the same respect they do. At one point, women had no rights. In some ways, men are still supremecy in the mind. When us women want some rights given men at birthright, we are called feminists and it still has a bad connotation to it! We do a lot for this world including bringing life into this world and honestly we deserve the right to be his one and only if he wants us to have eyes only for him

      1. 5.2.1

        Here we go again with the 1950’s logic again.  No, no, no….no we men are not high-fived for acting crudely in front of our woman.  I too used to ogle good looking women but i did  learn to stop doing it.  Why?  Because EVERYBODY let me know it wasn’t cool.  Men are also not treated like studs for sleeping with other women when we are married.  OK, well let me alter that, and I will first let you know that this came from one of my best friends in the Navy who was black, and then backed up by other black men I befriended in the Navy.  Yes, many black men do have that attitude.  They once tried calling me a punk because I did not go have sex with a woman who publicly propositioned me at a party.  Sorry, I wasn’t interested.  BTW, to them, PUNK means you are gay.  You don’t like having sex with women.  Even Magic Johnson stated in an interview that if a woman wanted to have sex with you, you had to have sex with her.  This was repeated to me by many black men I knew in the Navy.  I can write a whole article on that subject, but I can tell you that this is not copied by white men as a group, or any other race as a group.  My friend told me that it stems from the days of slavery when a black man had nothing that made him feel like a man other than his sexual prowess.  He didn’t own anything.  Didn’t earn a living.  Couldn’t come and go as he pleased.  He said that this attitude about sex has been passed down from father to son.  Is this all true?  I don’t know…I only know what he told me, and I know what I saw in twenty years in the Navy.
        I can only tell you that most men and women don’t support men cheating or acting crudely in front of their wives.  This is not the 1950s.  But then, this whole thing is really more of a Hollywood driven myth.  My dad can tell you that it wasn’t supported.  Now here’s the rub.  If a man had a friend who was a male whore, while he disapproved, it might not make him no longer be friends.  See, why would I care that much about what another man does?  I am not going to sleep with him.  But it would sure be nice if half my friends had not already slept with my wife.  For the most part, men keep their noses out of other men’s business.  But here’s how you know it wasn’t really approved of.  Men used to beat up even their best friend if he seduced his sister.  In short, now it was personal.  It’s like, “Do your thing with those other women, it’s not my business…but screw my sister and now it is, and now you will see that I don’t approve.”
        In this day and age, however, nobody really cares.  It’s expected that anyone you start dating has likely had a healthy sex life.  Nobody makes an  issue of it.

      2. 5.2.2

        I totally agree with you Lisa. If my husband saw me ogling and lusting after every  good looking man I saw, he would be crushed and would shrivel up.  I am  tired of men and too many women making excuses for this disrespectful and hurtful behavior.

    3. 5.3

      You need to finish your statement: Do onto others as “you would have others do ONTO YOU!

      1. 5.3.1

        That was her point, Jeff. “Do unto others…as others HAVE done unto her.”

    4. 5.4

      Elaine,  I am totally with on this one.  I am not going out to look for a man but if one happens to show up and I am really attracted to him then I will have him and not feel an ounce of guilt for doing so.  I can have my oyster too!!!!  What men don’t know can’t hurt them…haha.  

  6. 6

    I am a woman. I turn my head when I see a hot shirtless man jogging down the street. I have a mega crush on a few sexy rock stars. I still have the magazine of a shirtless Ryan Reynolds from two years ago.
    My boyfriend has porn, he like ScarJo and he sees pretty women in public.
    We love each other dearly. He is handsome and sexy, and I let him know that often. He tells me I am beautiful and sexy and also what a great person I am, often.
    I am not afraid of him leaving me for a porn star – or the waitress. Because we trust each other with the look but don’t touch rule. 
    I think the problem women have with men’s behavior in this arena is their own sefl-image and self esteem. Look, just because your man like a gorgeous actress does not mean he thinks she is better than you and that you need to meet some standard that society has created.
    You do need to be yourself, take care of your health both physically and mentally. And, when you do meet a great guy that loves you for you, trust him.

    1. 6.1

      Beautiful Erica. Every woman who read this article, should read what you just wrote, because you wrote the truth.

    2. 6.2

      This comment helped a lot. Thanks 

    3. 6.3

      I think other women should try porn out… its actually a HUGE turn on for women. This helped me understand the porn thing…. because its watching sex, not just the hot woman. I don’t care if my boyfriend watches porn, I watch it too. However, if he actually wants other women, I just don’t want to be in it. If he actually wants to have sex with other women, he shouldn’t be with me. Yes I find other guys hot, yes I am flattered when one flirts with me and maybe I have a flash of a thought like he may about some woman being naked but if those thoughts are indulged upon, I don’t think that is cool. Use porn as an outlet, not your co-worker. 

    4. 6.4

      Couldn’t agree more Erica. I wouldn’t be surprised if many of the comments from women above didn’t stem from much more serious issues in their relationship. Trust is key, biology is biology. It blows my mind how so many women refuse to acknowledge that, they too, are attracted in one way or another to a good looking man who is not their boyfriend or husband. 

    5. 6.5

      Erica, loved your story – as it’s the same as mine! My gorgeous boyfriend tells me constantly how hot and sexy and wonderful I am and we can’t keep our hands off each other. It’s been that way since the day we met, five years ago! I watch porn and know he watches it, too. (Haha, I do watch the romantic stuff, though.) I spent the past 15 years of my love life (with my ex-husband and other men before) being terrified my partner would look at/fantasize about other women. It terrified me to the point of panic attacks. I also was overweight most of those years, and terribly unhappy with myself…

      Flash forward to now, where I have lost the weight, have a wonderful job and keep myself healthy. My sex life has never been better and I know my man loves me dearly, but he also now feels free (as he didn’t in his marriage) to look at porn and fantasize as he wishes. Those women are not better than me, as you say, Erica – they aren’t me, and I’m irreplaceable. :) They are just variety and pleasure. Nothing can come between the bond my man and I have, and he loves me for who I am.

      Love is always a huge risk, guys. It’s always vulnerability, the chance that someone could hurt us and leave us and bring up the fear that we’re not good enough. If you fight that fear, trust me – you will find love like you’ve never known. Be vulnerable. Don’t let fear win. Believe you’re good enough now, as you are, and don’t be afraid to step out into the light.

    6. 6.6

      OMG Erica,
      Your boyfriend is super fortunate to have you. Every women should have your point of view. It is so rational and it makes perfect sense.
      If I am with a woman, I don’t care who she fantasizes about and she shouldn’t care who I fantasize about. I mean seriously, who cares.

      1. 6.6.1

        You guys have obviously never been left for the fantasy person. When that happens, you might change your mind.

  7. 7

    Nicole #2- I can relate to everything you said, from liking porn to thinking that male ‘strippers’ that don’t take everything off are a waste of time :-)

    1. 8.1

      Nicole, I once read an article where they had men and women watch porn for research.  What the viewers did not know was that their eye movements were being tracked.  The results were surprising to the researchers.  Men spent most of their time watching the woman’s face.  The reason is the very same reason that amateur porn became very popular, and even today, a lot of the porn is portrayed as amateur when it is not.  Why?  Men want to believe that the girl’s visual and verbal signs of pleasure are genuine and not faked.  Men like watching sex but they like seeing a woman experiencing pleasure even more.  Where do you see most of those signs of er pleasure?  In her eyes, and face.
      Women on the other hand spent most of their time looking at bodies, especially sexual parts.  Again this was all the opposite of what they expected.  This was a very old study, 20 or 30 years ago, but maybe I can find it on the net.  Here it is or something similar.

      1. 8.1.1

        This study makes perfect sense to me.  Men want to make sure they are giving pleasure genuinely; women want to make sure he has the goods to give her pleasure, apparently.  LOL.

  8. 9

    Evan also said
    Once again, I am not defending men. I am explaining men. Not every single man on the planet. Some men only have eyes for their wife. Some men are attracted to other men. Some men couldn’t conceive of having sex with a woman he didn’t love.

    Sophia, not every man is like that. There are some who would never seriously think about having sex with a woman outside of a committed love relationship. If I insist on one of those men, I make my dating pool smaller. Another option is to learn to feel safe with a man who is in the majority of men, most of whom who won’t cheat on me even while physically desiring other women from time to time. The trick is to tell those men from the ones who will cheat.
    The third alternative is to give up on dating and learn to be content being w/o a significant other.  Having a dating or life partner is one part of life’s richness, but not the whole of it. In our culture we are not accustomed to thinking about the option of going solo and never having an intimate partner. This is a legit choice for some and there are resources and communities out there for people who choose that path.

  9. 10

    I have no problem with a man who looks at beautiful women and appreciates them.  I look at beautiful women all the time.  I am amazed at the cornucopia of beautiful women everywhere in my city and think it’s like being a kid in a candy store for men (unfortunately I don’t feel women have the same luxury…..at least not in my city where eligible single women outnumber men).  Beautiful men also turn my eye.  Women who are highly jealous and insecure will have a big problem as I do believe men just have to look, that’s how they are made and there is nothing wrong with that.  
    But if I was on a date with a man, I would not stare at another man or find it difficult to concentrate on my date’s conversation at dinner because there was a hot blond 20 years my junior sitting at the table behind me.  When I was out on the dance floor with said date, I would not find it difficult to pay attention to my date, and be constantly looking at the younger hotter women on the dance floor.  This happened to me with the last (very good looking) guy I dated, he was 49 (I was 47) when this happened.  You would think he’d have enough maturity to look in a discreet way and not ogle to the point that he made me uncomfortable.  Needless to say, it did not last, he dumped me and continues to try to meet and date women 10 -20 years his junior.  
    A man can look discreetly and still be respectful to his wife, date, friend.  Ogling younger hotter women when you are in the company of a woman you are having a date or relationship with is just plain rude and bad manners.
    My ex-BF and I used to talk about what women were hot, and it did not bother me because I knew he was not going to cheat.  I am confident enough to know that there are always going to be younger, hotter women than me and the smart thing as a woman to do is to accept this fact and also express appreciation for female beauty. 

    1. 10.1

      I am sorry for your experience but unfortunately if something like that was to happen to me I would probably never date again. I do suffer low self esteem already so if I am out in public and my husband gets interested in another woman or touches himself, it sickens me. I usually walk away when he starts doing it too much and I have started walking off many times. It basically tells everyone around him, he’s not worth my time and he looks bad in the end! Usually when I do this he screams out my name and I ignore him. We used to get into arguments but I find this gets to him more and tells him I am very uncomfortable. It is one thing to just see women and be friendly. It is another to make both her and me very uncomfortable. He had a sex addiction in the past too and I found him pants dropped and gettng off to an old friend. He said he was sorry but it is hard when you realize your man is addicted to women there mouths and sexuality. Dont ask why I didnt leave then. Like I said, I had insecurity issues of my own. He is 10 years older than me and still more immature. I guess I figured an older man would show more maturity. He learned much of his habbits in the army and is better so I guess I should be happy but now he feels like I control his behavior and mind. I just dont feel like much of what he did was appropriate and we are likely getting divorced soon. I didnt want to change him but I just feel it is disrespectful as I would if I were to flirt with every male waiter I saw. If I am married, we become one soul. What hurts one person, should hurt the other and that’s just how I feel. It is a touchy subject but it is something that we all need to discuss and resolve as a society!!!

    2. 10.2

      “(unfortunately I don’t feel women have the same luxury…..at least not in my city where eligible single women outnumber men)”
      So, what city do you live in again?

  10. 11

    I notice beautiful/handsome/cute men, women and dogs, and encourage the man to do the same. If this leads to him cheating on me with one of them, his loss. Never happened so far, though. Same goes for strip clubs and porn.
    @ Nicole #2 – love your comment! :D

  11. 12

    Hey, anyone read Eric Anderson’s book, The Monogamy Gap?. Open your mind and check it out before responding to this post, (you can peruse a few pages on Amazon), as it sheds a great deal of light on the subject. Anderson admits that he only writes for men and though his book deals mainly with men, he acknowledges that much the same may be said for women. Sorry Evan, but I disagree with the study that claims that women can be perfectly content with the same man forever…. we’re only socialized to think we would be content with that.  The desire for sexual variety goes both ways. Here is a quote from a review of the book that sums it up: “Anderson suggests that monogamy is an irrational ideal because if fails to fulfill a lifetime of sexual desires. Cheating therefore becomes a rational response to an irrational situation”. He has some outside-the-box suggestions about how to re-tool relationships so they don’t end in breakup or divorce due to cheating. Much of the book is hard to argue with. I didn’t write it, but it is great food for thought. Marriage is failing in many societies worldwide and this book offers some hope.

  12. 13

    When I’m in a relationship, I will frequently point out hot women (and occasionally men) to my partner when we are in a bar, restaurant or even a shopping mall! I think this “partners in crime” approach works very well as it then becomes a secret pass-time you share (ogling gorgeous people) rather than something he has to feel ashamed about. I think men greatly appreciate this sort of approach, and the confidence it implies on your part makes you very sexually appealling to him. I would never ask him to compare us (nor, to be honest, would I tolerate it if he said”yeah, her tits are much better than yours”) but in fact it often leads to the opposite scenario – the more often you say “check out that girl with the amazing ass” the more likely he will reply, “there’s some pretty great ass right here,” and give yours a squeeze.

  13. 14
    Karl R

    Elaine said: (#5)
    “you have no right to complain when a woman cheats. MEN are the ones who have made us this way. Do unto others, boys.”

    I’ve been cheated on before. (And I’ve never cheated on anyone.)

    So if I follow your line of reasoning, my fiancée has no right to complain if I cheat on her, because women are the ones who made me this way. I would just be doing unto my fiancée what other women have done to me.

    I think your reasoning is flawed. You are responsible for your own infidelity, regardless of how many men (or women) have cheated on you in the past.

    Elaine said: (#5)
    “I feel bad for any man who might actually want a monogomous, loving, nurturing, supportive partner as I did all those years,”

    As a 42 year old man who found a monogomous, loving, nurturing, supportive partner, I can offer you an observations.

    If you were truly a monogamous partner, you wouldn’t try to use other people’s infidelity as justification for your own infidelity. You would respond to infidelity by leaving and continuing to search for a partner with more integrity.

    Elaine said: (#5)
    “It’s was okay for him to look, but I couldn’t”

    Why couldn’t you?

    My fiancée and I are both allowed to look at other people. We’re both allowed to dance with other people. We’re both allowed to flirt with other people (within reason).

    As long as the same rules apply to both people, it’s possible to have a healthy relationship.

    Elaine said: (#5)
    “the words, ‘Damn, I sure wish I had her instead of you’ could be heard by everyone in the room, even though he hadn’t actually uttered them aloud.”

    Everyone in the room doesn’t have telepathy. More importantly, you don’t have telepathy either. Therefore, that voice you heard was your own insecurity talking, not his actual thoughts.

    Even if the men were ogling enough to be boorish (which was likely the case), your interpretation of their thoughts sounds incredibly insecure. Good partners don’t tolerate that degree of insecurity, because they don’t have to.

    Nicole, (#2, etc.)
    I find your attitude a lot healthier than Elaine’s (#5) or Sophia’s (#3).

    helene, (#14)
    Good advice, especially the final sentence.

  14. 15

    I roll my eyes whenever women say all men are cheaters or only want sex with a variety of random young women. It’s not true — there are plenty of nice nerdy devoted guys out there. Most women just don’t want to marry them. 

    BUT, when I was younger and dumber I had affairs with married men and men in ltrs. Nearly every woman I know has been propositioned by, if not outright hooked up with, an attached guy in a years long relationship. And these were not blatantly sleazy player types – nobody ever would have guessed, bc they seemed like good guys that are real husband/bf material. In my case, they got to be with a woman way younger, more appreciative, and more sexually enthusiastic than their wives. It’s also very common to see middle aged married women let themselves go, get frumpy, stop putting out, nag the guy, prize the kids over him, and not make him feel appreciated. 

    Other women are at risk of being cheated on down the line if they too much fall into the stereotype you see in movies of the woman the guy is “supposed” to marry – generic girl next door type with generic aspirations, made him wait six months for sex, no original style or high sex drive but she’s nice and would be a good mom. Maybe she was hard to get. And, eventually, I believe men crave someone more real – not just hotter, but more intellectually challenging, quirky, and not predictably fitting the mold.

    So Evan sometimes paints too rosy a picture of men, but this is never something I’ve worried about, once I felt I was with a good guy– you’d drive yourself crazy if you did.  

  15. 16

    There’s a big difference for most us between feeling attracted to other people and acting on those desires. There’s a big difference between stealing a glance at an attractive person when you’re with your partner, and ogling them. There’s a big difference between occasionally looking at porn and being addicted to it. Of course, we may often reign in our desires out of respect for our partners.
    My happily married male friends have volunteered the information that the idea of sleeping with a stranger holds no appeal for them, although that probably doesn’t mean they don’t find other women attractive. Actually, I know more females who have either cheated, or thought about it, than I do men who have. I also think that people cheat on their partners for reasons other than simple physical attraction, although that is a factor.
    There’s a big difference between fantasy and reality. For many of us, appreciation of other attractive people while we’re happily partnered, remains in the realm of fantasy. If my boyfriend tells me that he has always found Elizabeth Taylor attractive, that’s not likely to bother me. If it’s one of my best friends, that’s a different story.

  16. 17

    Every since I was a teenager, I have seen attractive men (and sometimes women) and I always wonder and fantasize what it would be like to have sex with him (or her). I am in my 40s now and although I don’t love having sex w/ my partner, I still think about having sex w/ that cute new check out guy at the grocery store and every other cute/handsome man who crosses my path.
    I am not my partner’s type and I know this. I lose on that count. He isn’t my type either. In a lot of ways. But, you work with what you’ve got, I guess…

  17. 18

    I wonder why the title of this entry is what it is. Men looking at other women is not the same thing as men cheating; they may not even be related.

    People look at other people. People notice when other people are attractive, whether you’re a man or a women looking at a man or a woman. There is no shame or sin in this. It’s as others have mentioned above: what matters is not whether men (or women) look, but whether they act on on that attraction. The vast majority of the time (given how many attractive people exist), they don’t.

    So let’s relax about this. Eye candy is a pleasure, just as works of art and beautiful natural scenes are a pleasure.

  18. 19

    If you see a hot guy near you, you’d at least take a few glances at him.
    If you see a car crash in the middle of the street, you’d stare at it.

    If you see a nerdy guy cruising down the street on his unicycle, you’d stare at him.

    If you see a small cute dog skipping down the street, you’d keep looking and want to pet him.

    Basically, if anything is hot…weird…strange…unusual…different, you’d look at it too. No biggie.

    As long as your man doesn’t keep ogling at a woman in front of you, it’s no big deal.

    But if you feel disrespected and you let him know it, he’s gotta stop.

    Simple as that.

    1. 19.1

      You mentioned my issue with my man, my boyfriend of three years.  He does it constantly IN FRONT OF ME !  It shows rudeness, low class and down right narcissistic qualities that I am really starting to abhor and frankly, I don’t want to accept.  He is so defensive when I have brought it up in a light hearted manner  or when I am so angry, I become so quiet , it freaks him out.  It has happened three days this week and not only does he do this (esp. today) and I feel disrespected, I feel INVISIBLE. The fact that he invited me to a place or event and then treats me like I am not there….except the occasional glance or fake smile after he’s eye-fucked the chick. I am very attractive and am a good and fun person, but this is starting to really change my feelings for him.  I love him but am so turned off.  I make it a point to not look at men and believe me, they are alllllll around allllll of the time. (the beach , so on.) I would not ever make him feel less than. I wonder why I am not worth him not doing this kind of thing in front of me.

  19. 20
    Keri C

    Women would be perfectly content with the same man forever, as long as he mixed it up in the bedroom a bit.

    I can’t relate to that. I really loved my ex boyfirned of ten years and yet I still got bored with him in the bedroom. Women cheat more or as much as men do nowadays. I think some women like variety as well but are more quiet about it.

    1. 20.1

      Keri, that’s exactly what I see going on around me. However, most men refuse to believe that or are able to ignore this. This is why we still have these kind of discuscusions on how women should understand men. Frankly, I’m bored. Men should try to understand women for a change.

  20. 21

    I find it perfectly acceptable and healthy when a guy appreciates other women, but there are some basic steps he can take to ensure that I feel okay with it.  Eg.

    1. If you talk about other women being attractive, make sure you balance it out by  occasionally telling me how attractive you find me, too. 

    2.  If you ogle other women when you’re with my friends, they will think you’re a disrespectful dick.  

    3.  A surreptitious glance is cool.  Leering is not.

    1. 21.1

      Ummmm,   I have been dating a Man for 5 Months…..  I guess after so long the testosterone reduces and the honey moon, lusting phase is over, then they start to leer at other women, of which makes a woman feel used and humiliated especially when they do t in front of your closest loyal friends you have know for years.

      Please be mindful of your lust for variety after the chemicals dry up on one women as this behaviour YES, makes you a disrepctful dick and an embarrassment. 

      1. 21.1.1

        Yvonne, if that’s true and it bothered u so much, I certainly hope u’ve left the guy. U are lucky u found out after only 5 months invested in dating this guy. A good man wouldn’t openly disrespect n humiliate u like that. Have the confidence to leave if u realise u’re not with good men.

        Contrary to what so many women think, good men are plentiful and u have a very good chance of ending up with one, as long as u don’t waste all your time with the bad ones. :)

        1. Karmic Equation

          Agree absolutely, twinkle.

          Instead of trying to change a man when he “disrespects” you, dump him. He can’t disrespect you if you’re not around.

        2. twinkle

          U’re right, Karmic Equation. People need to have pride and not tolerate open rudeness from their partners. Besides, when a man sees a woman staying even though she has been humiliated by his repeated rudeness, I don’t think he’ll value her highly.

          As a minor point, 5 months isn’t even v long for a rship! If a couple is reasonably well-paired, they are often still in the ‘honeymoon’ phase at this stage and with strong lovey-dovey feelings. In fact, I have 2 brothers who’ve been with their wives for about 13 years and 7 years, and on the many many occasions we’ve been out together, I have yet to see my brothers openly leer at other women a single time, not even close. I’m sure they admire attractive-looking women occasionally, just not in a rude way. I just wish women like Yvonne would have more faith in finding nice considerate guys like these, and stop putting up with jerks.

  21. 22

    helene @14
    I really liked your post. I think it’s far better to bring the looking at other people out into the open, and try to approach it like a mature adult rather than get upset about it. My boyfriend knows a few of the famous people I’ve got a crush on, and vice versa, and every now and again we’ll tease each other about it. It feels so much better than getting annoyed about it.

    The security expressed in that actually seems to lessen the need to ogle.

    I really do appreciate a guy who feels that discretion is the better part of valour though and doesn’t openly ogle or comment on other women’s attractiveness, not because he thinks you’ll shame him for it but because he’s being considerate. *That* is a good man :)

    And I loved your last line! Comments like that make us feel like a million bucks!

  22. 23

    Chau got it in one. It’s the respect thing. Again.
    A former BF i had used to delight in pointing out women – particular body parts –  he found attractive (often my friends) .  I found it amusing to start with but the novelty wore off quickly – not least becuase he put more effort into describing their ”assets” than mine.

    Similarly I can appreciate a nice male body as much as the next girl, but I would NEVER go on about it to a partner.  Especially if they had any insecurity about their looks.  it’s just plain mean.

    As for the comment about men who enjoy porn can still be great fathers and husbands.  Yeah well, maybe, but for me that is a total dealbreaker.  A guy who wants to get off on porn is not the guy for me.

  23. 24

    Susan @ 24
    “men who enjoy porn can still be great fathers and husbands. Yeah well, maybe, but for me that is a total dealbreaker. A guy who wants to get off on porn is not the guy for me”.

    Well that pretty much rules out pretty much every single guy for you so. I’d say nearly all men get off on porn; it’s just a matter of admitting it to you or not. I’ve never met one man in my life who genuinely doesn’t watch porn even a small bit, and I’d be reluctant to believe one who said he didn’t.

    1. 24.1

      My husband, when were dating confessed he was addicted to porn.  I was devastated!  He did everything to quit bc he couldn,t bare to hurt me.  He has been faithful not using porn.  But is a struggle for him.  But he feels it is morally wrong.  He is the most honorable person I’ve ever known.  Not always succeeding, but always trying.  Married 10 years.

  24. 25

    Nicole #2, Thanks for posting! I agree with you a hundred percent. When I first started dating my boyfriend, he was muscular and fit and this caught my eye. Four years later and 25 pounds heavier and I feel gypped. My hunch is that it behooves both of the sexes evolutionarily to find a fit mate. My hunch is that it also behooves women of the human species to find multiple partners during ovulation so that there is a true survival of the fittest in those little swimmers. That’s exactly what animals do and why they produce offspring by more than one male. I think there’s a lot of social nurturing that has taken women away from their nature.

  25. 26


    I know how you feel.  I’m not a big fan of porn, myself.  I “get” why it exists, I “get” what EMK is saying.  But still.  It makes me uncomfortable if a guy I am dating, is often looking at porn, talking about it, etc.  It makes me wonder well gee, what am I to you, chopped liver?

    I told my BF that if he’s occasionally looking at it, fine.  I’m OK if he goes to a strip club with his buddies, I’m not HAPPY about it but I’m not going to cause drama about it either.  But if it becomes a regular thing, well, that may be a problem for me. I’m sure that guys who occasionally look at porn or go to strip clubs or fantasize about hot women, do make good partners and parents, but when it starts getting to the point where it’s all the time, I draw the line there.  Especially if it’s hard core porn, and ESPECIALLY porn with underage girls.  That is an immediate dealbreaker and one where I might need to contact the authorities. 

    I’m OK if my BF looks at other women occasionally but if he goes on and on about it, I’m not going to be happy.  I don’t ogle men in front of him, so he cannot ogle women in front of me.  No double standards allowed in this establishment…..  :)

  26. 27

    @Evan #6: I didn’t mean to imply that YOU said it was okay…it was the men I was with who held the double-standard.

    @Salsa #10: You state “The trick is to tell those men from the ones who will cheat.” Please tell me how to do that, because I’ve never met a man yet who has informed me he was going to cheat. What’s your sure-fire tipoff that he’s a cheater? Every single man who cheated on me came across as the most honest, sincere, sweet, wonderful human being…sent me flowers, left me little notes, swore he’d NEVER do that to me, blah blah blah. My sure-fire tipoff is if he has a penis…so far I’ve been 100% accurate with that one.

    @Karl #15: When you have been cheated on and lied to again and again and again and again and again…it gets old. Until I was 38, I was as monogomous as the day is long so please don’t try to turn this on me by saying I’m not a truly monogamous person. I DID “respond to infidelity by leaving and continuing to search for a partner with more integrity.” But how many times, honestly, does a person have to touch a hot stove and get burned before you say, “Geez, you think they’d learn by now, dumbass!” Doing the same thing 30 times and expecting different results is the definition of insanity…why doesn’t it apply here?

    Regarding your statement “As long as the same rules apply to both people, it’s possible to have a healthy relationship,” I wholeheartedly concur. The men I have been with have made it clear, however, that I am not allowed to abide by the same rules, usually with a belt to the mouth or immediate dismissal.

    And finally: “Therefore, that voice you heard was your own insecurity talking, not his actual thoughts.” You were not there. You did not see the looks of pity coming from the majority of people in that room. And where the HELL do you think insecurity comes from? As @Henriette #22 says: “If you talk about other women being attractive, make sure you balance it out by occasionally telling me how attractive you find me, too.” Would it KILL you to tell me you appreciate the effort I went to to look nice for you? I’ve never even had a BF “like” something I’ve posted on Facebook let alone tell me they think I’m pretty.

    I wish people would stop spreading the fallacy of fidelity and teach us how not to care. THAT’S advice I could actually use!

    1. 27.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      @Elaine – Sorry you’ve been so hurt, sweetie. But fidelity is not a fallacy. About 20% of men cheat and about 14% of women cheat. That means the vast majority of relationships are faithful. And if you keep choosing men who cheat on you (or HIT you, as you’ve implied), the only thing that’s clear to me is not that all men are liars, cheaters and abusers, but that you have a TERRIBLE radar and questionable confidence for consistently choosing such low-character men. If you believe that good men and fidelity are impossible, I can promise you: no good, faithful men will want to walk in your door. Get thee to a therapist. There’s no good dating advice for someone who holds men in such low esteem.

  27. 28

    Elaine 28: I would agree with Evan’s advice about therapy, not because there is anything wrong with you, but because someone from the outside who is trained to help others could provide you with valuable insights on how YOU can take control in your relationships, at least your part in them; and how you can avoid becoming so hurt in the future.
    Beyond that, Elaine, I hope it’s not out of my place to suggest that maybe it would be a good idea for you to take a little time off dating, and instead devote that time to seeing men as friends and as regular human beings with struggles, hopes, motivations, etc., as all of us do. Take the pressure off yourself and off others from the “romantic relationship” side, and enjoy getting to know people (men and women) in a much more relaxed way. I think that will restore some of your faith in humanity, including in men, which would give you a much more positive view of dating in the future, and toward men in general. That can only provide good outcomes.

  28. 29

    @ Mia — #16
    “And these were not blatantly sleazy player types – nobody ever would have guessed, bc they seemed like good guys that are real husband/bf material. In my case, they got to be with a woman way younger, more appreciative, and more sexually enthusiastic than their wives. It’s also very common to see middle aged married women let themselves go, get frumpy, stop putting out, nag the guy, prize the kids over him, and not make him feel appreciated.
    Yeah.  Shame on those wives who let themselves get all “frumpy” after having their alpha males’ enormous babies.
    And you would know that they supposedly “stop putting out,” nag the guy, prize the kids over and not make him feel appreciated because…. the cheater told you  these things? 
    Wow.  An Ivy League education and you actually believe the most common lies that men tell women to get them to sleep with them. 
    @ 24, 25, 27, etc.
    On Porn:
    Tom, I wonder how you know that *all* men consume porn?  I’m especially curious because I know of some enlightened men who choose not to use it and I also know some men who identify as sex addicts who go to support groups, etc. in order not to use it.  For them, porn consumed their time, attention and relationships, had adverse consequences and often led to other sexual acting out that resulted in the loss of the partner they loved. 
    More and more studies (a balanced article summarizing some of them is here:  http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/evolution-the-self/201206/internet-porn-its-problems-perils-and-pitfalls ) are showing that porn is not only highly addictive, but that it’s use can negatively affect relationships. 
    Here is the thing about lust in general:  it’s a sign of health to have some, but chasing it won’t quench it.  In fact, the more you pursue, the greater the craving for it will become.  Not unlike other addictions or how anger works.  Therefore, it’s good to be prudent and try to reign in one’s passion (if they are strong already), rather than trying to free them up through the use of porn, strip clubs, etc.
    Having been married to a man who was immersed in porn and affairs, I have to say that I think that it is healthy and normal for people to visually appreciate the opposite sex.  However, if you get the impression that your boyfriend is getting a lot out of those visual exchanges and/or seeks to flirt with those beautiful women he encounters, pay attention to those signals and trust your gut over the advice of the article here.  That may be one of the few clues you get if he’s very good at compartmentalizing his life.

    1. 29.1

      ^5 @sarahaha

    2. 29.2

      I’ve researched this area and couldn’t agree more. Your comment is pretty brilliant.

  29. 30

    @Evan #29: Where are you getting your statistics? According to the Journal of Couple and Relationship Therapy, “Absolute figures on this are hard to come by, especially as people who answer surveys on infidelity are notoriously unreliable in their answers! Statistics identify that approximately 60 percent of married men and 50 percent of married women will, at some point in their marriage, have an extramarital affair.” In my personal experience I’d have to say it was closer to 90% with the men I have dated, suggesting that survey respondents do indeed fib on this subject. And just because you haven’t cheated yet doesn’t mean you won’t. You might not, but you don’t KNOW that. I also think the fact that almost as many women now cheat is a fascinating testament to how sick and tired we are of you guys having your cake and eating it too. What’s good for the goose is good for the gander. And what a sad world we ALL now live in because you guys can’t keep it in your pants.  Oh, and all six years of therapy did for me was to keep my hopes up that there were good guys out there. About 15 men later, I finally gave up.

    1. 30.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      @Elaine – I’ll take my statistics over yours:


      22 percent of married men have strayed at least once during their married lives.

      14 percent of married women have had affairs at least once during their married lives.

      I’ll also take my positive attitude over your negative one.

    2. 30.2

      Elaine, if you think it was closer to 90%, then it shows that you spent too much time with bad boys and not enough time with the good guys.

      1. 30.2.1
        Karmic Equation

        O.M.G. — we agree, Rusty! A toast is in order! haha

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