What If Women Were Like Men In the Bar Scene?
All I’ll say is this:
I’m not sure if it’s tougher to be a man or a woman in the bar scene. Guys face a lot of rejection. Women face a lot of creepy guys.
Discuss.
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45 Comments »Filed Under Flirting
Alpha Girl 1
Thanks for reposting the video Evan!! This series is funny!!
Joy 2
It’s so annoying because it’s hollow. Everything you just heard was said to someone else 5 minutes earlier. or the day before. or the weekend before. or they forgot and said it again to you. The motives are not good. Just be NORMAL! you might have a chance!
Evan Marc Katz 3
You know this was a joke, right, Joy?
Karl R 4
While certain people have an easier (or tougher) time in the bar scene, it seems to be equally distributed among men and women.
The people at the top (usually the most physically attractive, though that can vary with the crowd) have an easy time finding dating opportunities with partners they’re attracted to. The difficulty increases further down the pecking order until you get to the people who are essentially invisible/shunned.
I’d imagine the people further down the pecking order also make the easiest targets for predators. While women face more physical risks than men, men can also become the victims of predators. I learned that lesson (before I was old enough to enter bars) by listening to a fellow student (who was also too young to legally enter bars) who had sex with men so she could steal their sports cars while they slept.
The most important lesson I learned from observing various bar scenes: if you’re in a bar scene that really doesn’t work for you, find a different scene (which might not be a bar scene) which works better for you.
Joy 5
of course! i forwarded on fb with a bahahah
Joy 6
absolutely!
Goldie 7
Same thing comes to my mind each time after I’ve seen one of these videos (this one, Harvard Rowing team, etc) – this is the closest I’ve ever come to observing the beautiful people in their natural habitat. You know the ones – prettiest kid in kindergarten, most popular guy/girl in middle school, prom king/queen in high school… I don’t ever get to see them around me as adults, so I have no idea what happens to them when they reach that age. Apparently, this. Very educational, I’d say. Not that I can relate to any of that stuff, but it’s good entertainment!
Ruby 8
Very, very funny. My takeaway was how easily men navigate through the world. Yes, they face rejection, but at least in the video, they don’t seem too troubled about approaching women, and seem to roll with it, even the creepy one who gets her (his) face slapped. However, none of the women were unattractive. The one unattractive guy (girl) gets ignored. Women do get free drinks, though.
Kathleen 9
This one I like. The ending is funny and the detached look on the woman in beds face after the hook up is priceless
Jackie Holness 10
It would be a cold and cruel world….that’s what…
Gina 11
I LOVED this video! It was hilarious!! I was traveling around Istanbul, Turkey back in ’08, and the guys were just comining on to western female tourists really strong. So me and another female companion decided to flip the switch and starting talking to them in the same manner that they would talk to us just to see what would happen. They were totally baffled and flustered! So much do that they were stammering and blushing. It was both priceless and hilarious!
Carol 12
This is too funny, great laughs for a cloudy day! What would happen if it were true? Guys might get creeped out too. They are the hunters, ladies are the gatherers. Thanks for sharing!
Locutus 13
Evan,
This was friggin hilarious. Thank you for posting this. Hilarious to see the roles reversed- all the women standing in line in the cold while the men moved right to the front. LOL. The only thing that would make it funnier is if it were performed by gathering of former best Saturday Night Live members. Would love to have seen the roles reversed version of Will Farrell and Chris Kattan’s double dance move with the girl in the middle!! What is love…baby don’t hurt me…don’t hurt me…no more………LOL!!!!!
Tom10 14
Evan
“I’m not sure if it’s tougher to be a man or a woman in the bar scene.”
I agree with Karl R # 4 that it’s easier or more difficult for different individuals depending on their attractiveness, how outgoing they are and how they react to alcohol. But on balance I prefer being a guy in a bar as I can control who I interact with, by choosing who to talk to (not always, obviously).
Ruby #8
“My takeaway was how easily men navigate through the world. Yes, they face rejection, but…they don’t seem too troubled about approaching women, and seem to roll with it, even the creepy one who gets her (his) face slapped.”
Don’t forget though that we have to spend years training ourselves to deal with this rejection so we don’t take it personally – we (generally) don’t arrive in the world naturally oblivious to repeated rejection. Every man was young once, and we all had to learn – usually through multiple painful experiences – how to take it with a pinch of salt.
This pain can stay with some men, which then numbs the guilt when they start rejecting women as they get older. I know it’s wrong to carry the feelings from previous encounters through to a new person, but that’s what can happen.
Carol # 12
“What would happen if it were true? Guys might get creeped out too.”
Yes you’re right – we do get creeped out.
It happened to me once when I travelled in Thailand. In every single bar and even on every street I was approached and hassled by women – not just hookers, but regular women too. At first I thought it was funny and flattering but it got annoying very quickly. At one point two women approached me – one grabbed my crotch and one my ass at the same time! I was very freaked out and had to start scowling at people from then on, which is not my natural disposition.
I know this probably had more to do with economics than anything else (I’m not particularly handsome or anything!) but it still made me really empathize with how women are treated by (some) men.
Amy 15
i love it when she says at the end “I’ll call you”. Yah right, we all know that’s GUY SPEAK for “you will never ever hear from me again” !
Chance 16
This video is priceless!
@Ruby #8
“My takeaway was how easily men navigate through the world. Yes, they face rejection, but at least in the video, they don’t seem too troubled about approaching women, and seem to roll with it”
I think sifting through women in a bar hardly serves as an appropriate microcosm for navigating through the world, but point taken. However, it is a very good observation. Experiencing repeated rejection can be a blessing if it is handled in the proper manner. It forces you to define your self-worth on your own, and not let others define it. That’s why a lot of guys don’t think twice about getting rejected. As I got older, I began to think it was funny to get shot down. I remember when I was single, my friends and I used to go out and have contests on who could get shot down by the most women in one night. It was a blast, and the reaction by some of the women was fantastic too! It is a great character builder… makes you grow thick skin, and nothing can offend you.
I would recommend that more people (male or female) try the same thing.
starthrower68 17
I might be really weird. IF I go into a bar at all, it’s only with friends who I want to hang with anyway and I’m not interested in getting *picked up*.
Joy 18
I’m the same. not wierd. what’s wierd is trying to desperately seal the deal with a complete stranger before closing time while intoxicated.
Lia 19
Loved the role reversal. Great video!
Jenna 20
I don’t think a bar is the best place to meet people, but I still know plenty of people who married someone they met at a bar, so it happens. Unfortunately, women are encouraged to just sit on their bar stool and wait for men to approach them – the passivity encouraged of women is a disgrace and does many women a great disservice. At the same time, directly approaching men to ask them out isn’t ideal.
Then I started going out to bars with a group of (male) pickup artists last fall and it was extremely informative. Through that, I figured out a more positive and proactive way for women to expand their opportunities in and out of bars – just go around talking to everyone! Girls, guys, old people, young people, bartenders, mixed groups, whatever (I usually walked around with a guy or two). By doing so, a girl doesn’t seem like she’s hitting on someone, she’s simply smiling and being social with everyone in the room. As someone who in her earlier years struggled to overcome shyness and awkwardness, going out like that was great practice and boosted my confidence.
Karl R 21
Chance said: (#16)
“Experiencing repeated rejection can be a blessing if it is handled in the proper manner. It forces you to define your self-worth on your own, and not let others define it.”
I agree with Chance’s and Tom10′s observations (#14) about dealing with rejection. The pivotal moment for me was when I my happiness that I’d found the courage to make the attempt exceeded my disappointment that I didn’t get the result I wanted. After that, there was nothing to hold me back.
This principle extends beyond this microcosm. When a 4 1/2 month relationship ended due to incompatible goals, I was happy that I’d had a exclusive relationship who would have been a wonderful wife (except for the incompatible goals). When I mentioned the relationship on the blog, multiple women were aghast that we’d “wasted 4 months in a relationship that went nowhere.”
It doesn’t matter whether you’re afraid of rejection, wasting time or any other unpleasant consequence of relationship. If you’re letting your fear overwhelm your ability to appreciate your experiences, you’re sabotaging your own efforts.
Joy said: (#18)
“what’s wierd is trying to desperately seal the deal with a complete stranger before closing time while intoxicated.”
Sealing the deal is unnecessary. You just need to get far enough that you are able to make the next step at a later date.
If I get a phone number, I can call and continue moving things forward. If I get an email address, I can do the same thing. I’ve even mentioned places that I hang out “at least 3 Tuesdays per month,” and continued moving things along when the lady showed up.
Helen 22
Gina 11 and Tom 14: you’ve given me food for thought. If you’re being hit on by a man, is the trick to getting rid of him that you should turn it around, and start massively hitting on HIM? (with the hope of creeping him out) Or would that have the opposite effect, that he’d be too encouraged?
This video is funny. Unlike the other one, this one did make me laugh! But I felt sorry for that unattractive man who wanted to go home.
Goldie 23
Same here. When I came into the US, I was already 30 and married with two kids, so when I went to a bar, it was with friends or coworkers to hang out and shoot the breeze. Not to meet new people. I became single again at 44, which is not exactly the right age to meet people at bars. And besides, I’m just not that type of person. I’m geeky. I’d rather meet new people at meetups, based on the conversation we have, than in a loud bar based on just the looks. So I missed that whole scene. It is all very foreign to me (the irony, right?)
I went to a local bar alone once, when I was married and husband was out on a fishing trip, just to peoplewatch and see if the stories are true. I did see a lot of younger men and women all dressed up, women in full makeup and heels at a sports bar, i.e. clearly they were there to pick up or be picked up. As for myself, I found the one geek in the whole bar, we had a nice conversation and I left around midnight. He knew I was married, so nothing happened, except that at one point he told me he had top-grade weed in his car (??? who drives around with that? I call BS) and asked if I wanted some. I guess that doesn’t quite count as romantic advances. We traded phone numbers, but naturally none of us contacted the other afterwards.
Karmic Equation 24
I found this video as funny as the Garfunkel & Oates. I actually found the other one funnier.
What I find interesting is that the MEN found the humor in this even though this is a form of man-bashing.
I think if this video were scripted such that men acted like needy, desperate women whose biological clocks are ticking loudly, the women would be up in arms and many would fail to see the humor.
This is one of the reasons I appreciate *strong* men. Men with strong characters can laugh at themselves and not take things personally. As demonstrated in the Garfunkel & Oates video, while women can be strong, laughing at themselves is usually not their strength.
This is something that women can learn from men. And something all women should appreciate in their men.
Locutus 25
Karmic,
I didn’t view any of this as man bashing. How could you say that? Man bashing is if you make fun of, insult, or degrade men in regards to real world stereotypes or misbeliefs. For example, if they showed a video making men out to all look like cheaters or sleazebags when so many are not. Then it would be man bashing and I would take offense because I am no cheater. This video is just a total comedy. It wasn’t made to make men or women look bad or to pick on them. I thought it was great. Mostly because I could identify so easily with what the video showed- women being let in to the club ahead of the line, getting drunk and going home, the friend who was the tag along, etc.
Kathleen 26
Calling this video “man bashing” is as absurd as the women who said if I didn’t find the Garfunkle and Oats video particularly funny I must be single.
This video is about behavior not how genitals smell.
Locutus 27
On the contrary Kathleen, I would say that calling this video man bashing would be the same as the women who thought the Garfunkle video was hurtful to women.
I find both to be total comedy and neither to be insulting to neither men nor women (even considering the Garfunkle video if it were 2 men singing about how ugly penises were).
As a man I am insulted by neither. In fact, the thought of being insulted never even enters my mind.
Karmic Equation 28
Ok. Maybe “man-bashing” is stretching it. But I’ve always taken the term man-bashing to mean making fun of men or denouncing them in a malicious way. While this wasn’t denouncement, it was making fun of them. But perhaps not so much “maliciously.”
Helen 29
Karmic, you’re trying too hard, in both this and other posts.
it’s possible to defend men without preaching at all women.
Locutus 30
They took the men and made them act like women and took the women and made them act like men. Just to make a pun on what if it would be like if each were the inverse of each other. And the reason they made the video was for pure humor. So, I see no making fun of anybody. If there was some ultimate message or malicious reason they made the video then it might be viewed differently, but I can detect no such intentions. Can you?
Gina 31
“Gina 11 and Tom 14: you’ve given me food for thought. If you’re being hit on by a man, is the trick to getting rid of him that you should turn it around, and start massively hitting on HIM? (with the hope of creeping him out) Or would that have the opposite effect, that he’d be too encouraged?”
@Helen: I honestly don’t have an answer. How to respond would be dependant upon the particular situation that you were in. In my case, the men were so over the top with thier behabior, and I was so exasperated, I decided to playfully respond in kind.
Karmic Equation 32
@Helen
I disagree with you that I defend men. In the one thread where I was having a lively discussion with Karl R, you pointed out I was wrong. I was totally disagreeing with their positions, but YOU were defending them, by virtue of disagreeing with me.
I would agree that I try to point out where women’s mindsets are wrong and that there’s a different way to think. If you want to call that preaching, ok. I call it thinking outside the box.
Tom10 33
I forgot to say how funny the scene in the video where the guys were dancing by themselves and the girls starting grinding up behind them was – we’ve all seen that before! ha ha.
Joy #18
“not wierd. what’s wierd is trying to desperately seal the deal with a complete stranger before closing time while intoxicated.”
You’re probably right, although I find lots of things in this world are weird: wearing hats which have no function / going to church / worshipping celebrities etc.
Different strokes for different folks eh!
Karl R # 21
“Sealing the deal is unnecessary. You just need to get far enough that you are able to make up the next step at a later date.”
Well it depends on what the specific individual is looking for. If you are looking for some sort of relationship then yes it’s unnecessary to seal the deal that night. But let’s be honest, many people – men AND women (yes it’s true ladies) – go to bars just looking for nsa sex with someone cute. Setting up a next step at a later date is attaching strings and you lose a night that you could be doing something else (such as look for more sex!) That’s when it can be necessary to seal the deal before closing time.
Helen #22
Gina 11 and Tom 14…if you’re being hit on by a man, is the trick to getting rid of him that you should turn it around, and start massively hitting on HIM? Would that have the opposite effect, that he’d be too encouraged?
Ha you’re right – it would almost certainly have the opposite effect: the man would probably think he was guaranteed to get some that night – unless you went to such an extreme that he thought you were simply nuts! Although that mightn’t necessarily discourage him either (she’s crazy so she might be into crazy sex – depends on the guyI guess). Just mention your hubby
Joy 34
I’m not judging. I just know what I want and it isn’t that (instant sex). No one approaches like a regular person who happen to be here at the same time, hey nice to meet you etc. It’s more like someone standing next to you, then barricading you from others, trying to touch you, screaming in your ear, etc… Plenty of others ready for it there, pick them. Now I’ve got to check out Garfunkle and Oates!
melie 35
The bar scene is disgusting. Men think they are entitled to hit on the ladies present.Naturally, if you are in a bar, you must be looking for someone and the one in front of you is happy to fill the roll! Ugh! Never liked the bar scene; not a fan!
Androgynous 36
Tom10,
Men constantly get rejected by women only approach supermodels or women who look like supermodels. The average looking girls are totally totally overlooked, if not totally invisible to men – yes, even by the average and below average looking men. So please don’t put up the sympathy card for men who get constantly rejected. I should know because I was one of those average looking women (who was slim and took pride in her appearance) only to be overlooked time and time again for the better looking women, many who were totally narcissistic, selfish, self absorbed and of course, mean in their rejection of men they felt were not in their league. You know what, I totally gave up, decided to learn how to take care of myself and do things for myself not expecting any man to do it for me. When my eventual hubby got together with me, I had a house, savings, capability and a grateful nature- and still married of course while my better looking friends all invariably ended up unhappy and divorced and freaking out about their disappearing looks.
Locutus 37
Androgynous #36,
First, I just want to say I synpathize with you and I’m sorry you had to experience the shallowness of some men. Some people period are incredibly shallow- I mean they are not even nice or friendly. But, I have to disagree with your comment that men who complain about rejection only go after supermodels or 9 and 10 looking women. I have never been very comfortable at approaching people and many years ago I was extremely shy (I am 38 and male if you are not aware). Female friends have always told me I was a decent looking guy and attractive, but I always swore they were just being nice. I have been working out for 10 years and definitely do not lack muscles- more thicker with larger arms, legs, etc, I am about 210 pounds. I am not some lean looking guy with defined abs..I have no abs..LOL!
Anyway, I just wanted to share a few of my experiences because I have experienced some similar things as you have described. I will cite some examples I can recall:
One time I was out at a bar/club with a large group of friends- both male and female mixed. I am one of the quieter ones in the group. We were standijng near an area at one of the bars and this somewhat attractive looking girl kept walking by us and back again. I would give her an 8 in looks. Well, after about 20 minutes of walking past me I finally got up the nerve to say something. So when she passed me by I looked at her, smiled, and started to say something. You know what she did? She didn’t even turn her head to look at me. She reached out her arm and put her hand up to my face, as if to shut me up, then proceeded to walk by, never turnign her head in my direction.
Another experience I had from online dating. I read a profile from a girl who looked cute- she had a nice smile which I like. Lookswise she was probably a 7. I would say her body had about 35 pounds of extra weight on her, so not slim by any means. I am ok with thicker women a well as thinner women. Anyway, she moved here from some distant state- her profile said she was new in town (I live in the Boston area). So I send her a friendly message saying she is very cute and where she moved from and such. We chatted back and forth a few times- seemed ok. Then her 3rd or 4th message to me said “You seem to be the typical Boston guy I keep running into”. I was baffled as to what she meant, so I asked her what that means. I can’t recall her exact answer but she basically gave me an insulting response that included calling me a midget and it was NOT written in a humorous way! I am not tall- at 5 foot 8-1/2 but am no midget either. It totally shocked me because I was nothing but friendly and kind to her and my God she was 35 pounds overweight!!!! She was 5 foot 7, BTW. Of course I snapped a nasty line back to her which is untruthful because I actually like thicker women, but hey she insulted me for no reason at all. I told her it was the last time I would ever give a fat chick a chance. I know, it’s not nice, but totally called for in this case. My apologies to any larger women reading this.
Lastly, I went out with a girl once who was very pretty but very large- 400 pounds, in fact. We had a great date followed by a lot of making out (no sex, at her request which I respected). A week later she wouldn’t return my phone calls- no explanation, no reason at all. Never heard from her again after calling back a few times over a span of a few weeks. No real harm with this experience, but I wanted to include it to show you that we don’t always go after supermodels and still get rejected sometimes.
So, I just wanted to show you that women can be just as rude, shallow, obnoxious, and downright mean as some of the men you have experienced and these are NOT SUPERMODELS!!! But, I just march forward and don’t look back. I used to get very angry at these types of people, but I don’t anymore. Fate has a way of handling people. Sometimes they will go thru rough times that I swear is just fate getting back at them- a rough divorce or an abusive parnter, ..etc. So, I have sympathy for the men who have to deal with these types of women as well as women who experience these types of men. But please realize the worst of women are just as bad as the worst of men. I used to think women were so innocent because of all the complaints I always read online from them about men. When I experienced things for myself I was dumbfounded to find all of the many things they complained about to be true of many women, as well!! I soon lost my ill-placed sympathy for the women in general. Additionally, I have a brother and a sister, I have female friends and I have male friends. I hold no bias either way as I don’t want any of them to meet a loser- albeit a man or woman!!
Tom10 38
Androgynous
Yes you’re right – I accept your point. I didn’t mean to elicit sympathy for the plight of rejection that men face, rather point out to Ruby that it’s not as easy as it looks to take it with a pinch of salt.
I have genuine sympathy for decent women who make an effort to make the best of themselves only to be over-looked time and time again.
Greg 39
I would like to add that sometimes average looking people take a passive role in making themselves as attractive as they might be. And the operative word here is “attraction”, as in being able to draw people to you in some way, as opposed to solely “handsome” or “pretty”. I wonder what some people say to themselves about improving their attraction prospects. I’ve known women who would be considered average on the usual social rating scale, but who possess a radiant feature – maybe their hair, their smile, clear skin, body language, or a vivacious manner. My sense is they are aware of that feature and recognize its value. And how about the pictures most people post on online dating sites? Why are most pictures so incredibly poor, or don’t emphasize positive attributes? There’s probably nothing more attractive than a basically good-looking person – not the unattainable model types – who exhibits a confidence in their attractiveness and does everything possible to improve it. Part of their attractiveness is a degree of modesty and being well-rounded, respectful to others, and being able to engage in conversation. Looks are a big part of the equation, but nobody except equally shallow types wants an empty character with whom to share their lives.
Kathleen 40
Androgenous 36
I agree with your post. Guys will hit on the hottest women at a bar and likey not notice the rest.
Am I the only person that doesn’t thing a bar is disgusting? I like to dance so most places Ive gone to dance have a bar.
I met my husband of 20 years and my latest boyfriend in a bar LOL No matter where you go there you are….
maria 41
funny as hell!
So is the weird guy the unattractive hater female friend who is always ready to go cuz she’s not getting action? hahahaha!
hilda 42
wow! that was an exact enactment of my adolescent / early adulthood as a woman! oh! those golden olden days. then somehow i was suddenly expected to be a lady. oh well.
Lucy 43
I have noticed that sometimes the men in a bar only go for the most gorgeous women. However the extent to which this happens is greatly exaggerated. For example I am probably about a 7 on the looks scale. I do find the hot guys attractive but when in the vicinity of them I kind of tune them out naturally. The men I fancy are not the hottest ones but the ones more on my level. I believe that most men do this too. They don’t go for women who are really unobtainable either by their looks or status. Then maybe a lot of men start off thinking that they can get more and less any woman they so desire. The ones who think that it’s a God given right of theirs are the worst at handling rejection. I was talking to a male friend about this kind of topic and he said “all men have to settle on looks”. I don’t think he meant that in a negative way, he probably just meant that men start off with higher expectations before reality hits.
When I’m on a night out I don’t tend to be very observant of who the men hit on. All I know is that they don’t always hit on me. And this isn’t a pity party. I think the reason they don’t is because to some extent I don’t make myself entirely approachable, and because I dress modestly. So I don’t believe this is anything to do with what I look like or because other women are hotter. As soon as you start getting angst-ridden over your looks, it’s a confidence drain. I don’t believe that men are shallow or as obsessed with looks as culture portrays.
I hate the thought of hurting a man’s feelings with rejection. I rarely come out with a blunt comment because it’s rude and I’d rather be subtle. But sometimes I’ve been forced to be rude because the guy has been really persistent and hasn’t read my obvious discomfort. At times I just want to be enjoy spending time with friends and not be hit on by some schmoozer. Those guy seem to talk through me as if they’ve already made it their mission to get me with as minimal required effort as possible.
I do approach men sometimes. It’s not the fear of rejection that might put me off. More the fear that I’ll come across as “up for it”. On several occasions I’ve been having friendly conversation with a guy and he’s tried it on. I really don’t know how to approach a man without making myself extremely vulnerable.
AllenB 44
@Lucy #43
I hate the thought of hurting a man’s feelings with rejection. I rarely come out with a blunt comment because it’s rude and I’d rather be subtle. But sometimes I’ve been forced to be rude because the guy has been really persistent and hasn’t read my obvious discomfort
There is a lot of space between “rude” and “subtle” that you might not be using. How about “I am with my friends and not interested in meeting anyone new tonight,” or “Your clear interest is flattering, but you are not my type. Please leave me alone.” Neither of those are subtle (such as turning away when they try to talk to you) nor would any reasonable person think they are rude, and might get you what you want.
Kurt 45
The bar scene is much better for women than it is for men and there is simply no comparison! Women go to bars to build up their own egos because they enjoy being hit on – even fat women will have some guys come up and talk to them at bars, whereas men often go to bars with maybe another guy friend and often don’t talk to anyone. Women also tend to get attention from men who are out of their league, which essentially causes men to have to go for women less attractive than themselves if they are at a bar.