What Should I Do If I’m Pregnant and He’s Pulling Away?

What Should I Do If I’m Pregnant and He’s Pulling Away?g out results of a pregnancy test

I recently started dating a guy a couple of months ago; we met on a dating site back in January and were talking for about four months before we actually met. The first 3 weeks were magical! Well, we had gotten into a fight because of his trust issues. His ex wife screwed with his head and cheated on him a lot so, he brought those trust issues into our relationship. We made up and got back together and things were good for a few more weeks and he became upset that I had checked my email on a couple of dating site that I used before I met him. He still has his profile up and I didn’t make a big deal about it but he didn’t want mine up. Well, hence another fight. The day we got into the fight I learned I was pregnant. We both took a couple of days to evaluate where we are and where we want to be. We finally spoke and made up a few days later.

When we first started dating he called me babe or sweetie all of the time, texted me, and initiated conversations via text. When we are together it is great! I love being together with him but, he doesn’t want to spend the night and now when I text him they are short answers and I feel like I’m bothering him. He works a lot of hours and has 2 kids so I understand that he can’t always talk, but he just seems so cold and distant when we aren’t together. I am scared to have this baby and him not want to build a life with me. All I want to know is where he stands. I am so confused and I am starting to fall in love with him. I don’t want to put all this work and energy and love into this relationship if he is just not longer interested and is just going to walk away. I’m so scared and confused. If I wasn’t pregnant with his baby I wouldn’t worry, but now that I am I just want to know that he will be there for me and with me. Please help!

–Jules

Dear Jules,

I’m answering your question in spite of (because of?) the fact that I just did a post about whether men should be forced to pay for children they didn’t want. I want to shelve that discussion for now, because my feelings about that are irrelevant to my feelings towards your own dilemma.

I’m not sure how to say this diplomatically, so I won’t: your relationship is doomed.

And let’s be clear: this is one helluva dilemma.

I’m not sure how to say this diplomatically, so I won’t: your relationship is doomed.

Why am I so pessimistic? Let me count the ways:

“We talked for four months before we actually met.”

That means you fell in love with a stranger. Fell in love before you met him. Before you kissed. Before you ate a meal. Before you had your first fight.

Your cart is way before your horse.

“The first three weeks were magical!”

So are the first three weeks of every relationship. That’s how relationships get started! You do know that three weeks isn’t a really significant amount of time, right? You do know that you don’t get to see all sides of a person for a few years, right? You do know that you can’t build a lifetime on three magical weeks, right?

Oh, dear…you didn’t know that, did you?

Well, we had gotten into a fight because of his trust issues…We made up and got back together.”

Your beloved boyfriend of three weeks has trust issues. This is a big red flag, which you probably could have seen coming if you didn’t make him your boyfriend so fast. So now, you’re in love with a man you’ve barely met, and you have your first fight! And he quickly breaks up with you! And then you quickly make up with him!

The only decision you have is whether you’re going to keep the baby.

And now everything’s supposed to be okay? Forgive me if I’m not sold.

The day we got into the fight I learned I was pregnant. We both took a couple of days to evaluate where we are and where we want to be. We finally spoke and made up a few days later.

This is where it starts getting sad and I can’t maintain any level of snark. I just want to give you a hug. Listen, Jules, I’m really sorry you’re hurting right now. You’re experiencing what everyone has experienced before you – the feeling of getting your heart broken by an unrequited love whom you overestimated due to chemistry.

The difference is that you’re pregnant.

It may or may not matter why you got pregnant. Did you forget your pill? Did he use a condom? Did it break? Did you have a spontaneous moment of passion without any protection? No matter what happened, you’re in the same place: you’re pregnant and you’ve got a man who doesn’t want to have any part in your life.

There. I said it.

You’re asking me “where he stands”. That’s where he stands.

He knocked you up, he completely regrets it, and he wants to run.

I don’t know this for a fact, of course. But the short-term nature of your relationship, the personality conflicts, the making up and breaking up, the trust issues, and the post-pregnancy pull-away give me all the signs I need to conclude that this is NOT your future husband and that you should NOT be wasting one more second on him.

I hope you can see in retrospect that he was never really your boyfriend. He was a stranger. A stranger that you feel you loved, but a stranger, nonetheless. You slept with that stranger, he knocked you up, he’s distancing himself and you’re still intent on ignoring his colossal flaws and trying to forge a relationship with him.

Babies deserve fathers who WANT to be fathers, men who are fully committed to their wives and families. Unfortunately, you can’t MAKE a man want to be this way.

Please, stop.

The only decision you have is whether you’re going to keep the baby.

If you’re not, then you can terminate your pregnancy and your man simultaneously.

However, if you ARE keeping the baby, please be aware that, by making this decision, your child will probably not have much of a father. I’m not saying whether this is right or fair. I’m saying what is patently obvious to a third-party observer. This guy does not want a future with you, nor does he want to support a baby for the rest of his life. If I’m wrong, I’m wrong. But I’d be surprised if he stepped up.

I also believe that babies deserve fathers who WANT to be fathers, men who are fully committed to their wives and families. Unfortunately, you can’t MAKE a man want to be this way. He either feels it or he doesn’t.

So understand, Jules, if you choose to bring this baby into the world, you are also choosing to give yourself and your baby a great hardship: a tempestuous, mistrustful, busy absentee father who has no interest in being a part of either of your lives.

If it sounds like I’m weighing heavily in one direction, that’s because I am.

You have the right to do whatever you want. All I wanted to make clear was the consequences of your decisions.

I’m sorry you’re in this position, my friend. I hope you make the right call for you and your family. Please come back and let me know what you chose.

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Comments:

  1. 1
    Julia

    I agree with Evan 100% you have a choice, if you choose to terminate you can proceed with your life, find the man who will be your husband then have a child with him when you are both ready to have a family. If you choose to keep you will be a single mother and your child’s father will likely be in and out of their life if in it at all.
     
    Also if you do choose to terminate, I would strongly urge you to be very serious about birth control in the future and when things go awry to use Plan B which is available over the counter. I know too many women who’ve had abortions who get pregnant by the next wrong guy within a year. They have all ended up single parents one way or another.

  2. 2
    John

    This is good advice by Evan. I am curious though with the facts of this case, is this a grown woman or a teenage girl? Waiting so long to meet then saying the first 3 weeks are amazing like its so rare, getting preggo so fast, etc, makes it sound like this person has little experience in the mating and dating world. Sounds like its one of the worst things to happen to a teenage girl whereas a grown woman who has been around the dating world wouldn’t have these issues.
    On an off topic note I saw “We’re the Millers” this weekend.  Without giving away the hysterical plot, the guy who plays the character of Pablo Chacon (the real druglord in the movie) looks exactly like Evan if Evan had facial hair.

  3. 3
    Paula

    Just tell him you are getting an abortion and do it or give it up for adoption. This is not going to be pretty. Unless of course you are financially able to support the child on your own and are over 30. Under 30, abort or adoption
     

    1. 3.1
      Tyshay

      What is wrong with you guys everyone none of yall have the right to speak like this. She asked for advice so if yiur not helping her why did tou even reply i think you guys should have never been born how about your moms abort you or did not care to give you away for adpotion. Say what ever you will the woman Jules is pregnant and heart broken and this is all u guys can say is abort im pregnant every baby deserves to live what if your kids were killed or aborted. This is craxy i hate the world we live of course you say whatever cones to mind and dont care cause its not you. But remember what goes ariund comes back around. At the end of the day jules your blessed and your baby loves you with or with out a dad.

      1. 3.1.1
        Veronica Sosa

        Tell them! I’m preganant right Now and the thought of all these people saying to abort pisses me off! I love my baby with all my heart and I don’t care if my bf will be with me to raise the Baby or not I will FIND A WAY!! 
         

  4. 4
    starthrower68

    I hope that she has a support system in place and that she will choose to keep the child or allow a good family to adopt.  I have been in this situation, although my circumstances were different.  It is a scary place to be, but for your health and the health of your child, eliminate the drama that dad brings. If he wants to do the right by the child that’s wonderful but prepare to do it without him.  You have to focus on you and your baby now.

  5. 5
    Dina Strange

    Of course abortion is better. If man is not willing to take responsibility why would she? Besides we already got 7 billion people on earth, why to bring another unwanted child.

  6. 6
    Al

    I have been in your shoes (sort of)- got knocked up early on by a man with whom I was/am clearly not compatible with.  The BIG difference here, is he immediately asked me to move in with him, introduced me to his family, began remodeling a house for us.  I moved out when my son was 10 months old.   Despite the fact that my son has a wonderful and fully involved father and extended family- it was absolutely, hands down, the hardest most awful experience I have ever been through in my life.   The level of depression and stress I experienced while caring for an infant/toddler almost broke me.  It pushed me so far from where I ultimately hope to be (married with kids).  I still cry to think about it, and my son is now 4 years old and very well care for.  I have a great life, but wonder where I would be if I had made a different choice.
    On the other side of the coin, I had an abortion many years ago, and I can tell you it was WAAAAAY easier and carried a fraction of the heartbreak going through with the pregnancy did.  I cannot tell you which way to go- but had to share my experience.  This is not a road you WANT to walk down- maybe you feel you must, but do not fool yourself into thinking it will all magically be ok.   It will not.  You will have to fight tooth and nail to claw yourself out of this mess if you decide to follow through with the pregnancy- again maybe you feel you must, but be honest with yourself about the ramifications here.
    Best of Luck to you, sister.

  7. 7
    Lynn

    Two words: open adoption.

  8. 8
    Lynn

    Bitter, divorced men are undate-able. Sorry to sound like a Monday-morning quarter back, but she should have screened for that in the first couple of emails, and cut him off early. Never waste 4 months of emails on a bitterly divorced guy. Dr. Diana Kirschner calls them “burnt toast.” It’s one of the deadly dating patterns to watch out for. Burnt-toast guys are not date-able.

  9. 9
    Sunflower

    My heart goes out to you Jules!  I got pregnant at 19 and chose to go the road on my own due to the fact that I got involved with the wrong guy and then expected the impossible from him.  It wasn’t easy, but I had a strong support group.  My son is now 31 years old and the best thing that ever happened to me.  He fills my heart with pride and has brought me so much joy over the years!  We are best friends.  However, it was always a struggle financially.  You are going to have to do some heavy soul searching girl. Follow your heart. 

  10. 10
    zann

    Ugh. Agree with Evan 100%. The only decision at issue here is whether she wants to keep the child. He is no longer relevant, except possibly to assist in the expense of an abortion, if that’s what she chooses. He’s already proven he’s not boyfriend material, let alone co-parent material. I don’t know why, but countless woman still view pregnancy — accidental or not — as an avenue for hanging on to a man. The wrong man. This is unfair to all parties, especially the child. This is the time for clear thinking, not delusional happy-ever-after hopefulness. I hope she gets support from friends and family with whatever decision she makes. P.S. I agree that the “burnt toast” guy is not datable. It’s always the same story: he has “trust issues”  due to his big, bad, mean ol’ ex-wife. Boo hoo. It’s a lame-ass excuse for unacceptable behavior. Got trust issues? Don’t date.

  11. 11
    West

    A baby is 10000 x better than a crappy boyfriend. It might be a right turn but one you will love more than life

  12. 12
    Gina

    I was in a similar situation at the age of 29. I chose to terminate the pregancy. Three years later, I married a man who was unable to give me children. The marriage lasted 12 years. I am 51 years old and with the exception of that one time, I never conceived a child again. 
    I think that it might be wise for this young woman to weigh the pros and cons of raising a child alone. She may choose no to, but abortion doesn’t have to be the final solution. She could opt to carry the child to term and then place it up for adoption.  Looking back, I would have considered that option rather than terminiating the pregancy.
    Just my two cents..
     

  13. 13
    Rose

    Evan is right, feels so sad to read. The only decision is if you feel ready and want this baby by yourself.
    Only you can make that decision and know what is right for you.
     

  14. 14
    Jenna

    I’m shocked at the calls for abortion just because the father is a bad guy. This is a human life we’re talking about. Take accountability for your actions and have the child, and accept that the father will be a dud. If I got knocked up tomorrow by a dud I’d still have the child, it would be my responsibility to pull things together and accept being a single mom. 

  15. 15
    Zara

    Jenna your comment is not realistic. Child deserve parents who wanted them and love them. This man really doesn’t want to be part of her life and raising a child alone is very big commitment. 
    Take time think about what is best for yourself. The choice you choose is the right one for you. Don’t feel judged or shamed by others. 

  16. 16
    Rose

    And you have every right to chose what is right for you and what you would do Jenna.
    This is about what is right for Jules and what she wants to do.
    She needs all the information so she can make an informed choice. Not telling what to do.
    Her body, her life, her choice.

  17. 17
    Erin

    Spot on, Evan. I was in a similar situation earlier this year. I’m in my mid 30s, happily divorced and I have the resources to raise a baby solo. however, after many heart to heart talks with myself, I kept realizing that while I want a family, I’m not going to settle for someone who is a weekend dad at best. 
     It was a very difficult decision for me, as I do want a family and my window of opportunity is narrow. im so happy and relieved that I had the clarity and objectivity to see a situation for what it was: a mistake. 
    I am so sorry you are in this position. It is a strange and lonely place. Just ask yourself if you can accept a distant and unavailable man for your child. I think you both deserve more. 
    Best of luck to you. I wish nothing but good things for you! 

  18. 18
    starthrower68

    Abortion is birth control in America in 2013. But I’m not going to have that debate here.

  19. 19
    J

    @Jenna #14- I’m shocked that you are shocked. Not everyone wants to go the single mother route. 

  20. 20
    Chance

    It is fascinating, although not surprising, to see the stark contrast between the sentiments directed at this poor woman who is unsure about wanting to keep the child (not being sarcastic, I feel terribly sorry for her) and sentiments expressed at the thought of a man in the same position in Evan’s post about whether men should be responsible accidentally-conceived children.
    Especially @Rose and Paula, who made posts on that blog entry that are, in spirit, diametrically opposed to the posts they made on this topic.  The only difference here is that the roles are reversed.
    This woman is in a very tough position.  I wish her the best.
     

  21. 21
    Rose

    Chance my stance was the same on the other post it is the womans body and her who will have to bring the child up if she keeps it. Not the man. So my stance is the same on both threads. Her choice not his.
    Her choice if she wants an abortion.
    Her choice if she wants to be a single parent.
    The other thread was about finacial support once a child was actually here by both parents.
    It is a different issue. That is why the laws are different for a woman right to chose what she does with the fetus that is growing inside her body due to body autonomy. But a man does not get to chose if he pays finacial support once a real live child exists.
    The court case where a man brought these issues up was overturned for the very reasons I have stated. They are not comparable analogy. The analogy is faulty.
     
     
     

  22. 22
    Jenna

    J–it’s not about wanting to go the single mom route. I sure as hell wouldn’t. But people shouldn’t make decisions based on what feels good and is convenient all the time, and I couldn’t live with myself if I terminated my own baby just because I didn’t feel like making the sacrifice. I do get that this isn’t the time and place for an abortion debate and I feel for the poster but this just seems like a tragedy. Abortion is ok in some circumstances, but the discussion of it in this context seems so casual. Perhaps having this baby would be a wonderful gift out of a bad situation.  

  23. 23
    Aisling

    How can someone be so sloppy about birth control?  I am prolife but prochoice.  I made damn sure that I was never in this situation, and thankfully at 52 I need worry no longer.  From my experience, there are few “accidental pregnancies.”  Only women who want to force a commitment.  If she wants to raise the baby on her own, more power to her.

  24. 24
    Dani

    I agree 100% with Evan. Jules has a very difficult decision either way she decides. Hopefully, she has a good family and/or support system to help her through this. But no doubt, get rid of the guy.
    And to post #2 re: Evan looking like Pablo Chacon from We’re the Millers movie….NO WAY….Evan is 100 times better looking…maybe resemblance on the hair and possibly height.
     

  25. 25
    Michele

    I once had a pregnancy scare when I briefly met and hooked up with a man who was separated (or as I know now, not really) and I can only imagine what you are going through. Men like this seem to shudder away from responsibility and emotional and financial issues are heavy. I don’t judge any woman on her decision. Please do what you feel/think is best for you and I hope you have or find a good support system to help you in whatever you decide to do.

  26. 26
    Kiki

    @Aisling 23
    I recently realized that many people (both men and women) go around with idiotic ideas about pregnancy and its likelyhood.  A friend of my husband (age 42) and this younger lady (28) were  having a casual relationship (sleeping occacionally without boyfriend/girlfriend status) for 2 years. She did not get pregnant during this time so he somehow  got the idea that either he or she or both are not fertile any more (!!!).
    Then, one day, she got pregnant. What a sirprise. They now live together and have a lovely baby boy, and the guy is exstatic to be a father even though he was scared shitless at first.
    Also, two of my female friends (early 40s) who have kind of troublesome relationships with their boyfriends have confided that sometimes they have unprotected sex. Their thinking goes along the following lines 1)at this age getting pregnant is less likely, 2)abortion is an option 3)if it is God’s will to get pregnant I might as well test the status of the relationship with this guy. Please note that when women have unprotected sex, their partners very well know that it is unprotected sex (unless the woman lies that she’s on the pill but that’s a deceipt and a totally different kind of story).  So, the women know it’s unprotected, and the men know it’s unprotected. 
    I agree, few accidental pregnancies are accidental in the sense of totally surprising. I would not go to say however that it is the women who want to force commitment (not that women do not want commitment) but more a combination of stupidity and wishful thinking on the part of both man and woman.
     
     

  27. 27
    Henriette

    @Jenna 22:  I understand that YOU couldn’t live with YOURSELF if you chose to abort a fetus (it’s not a “baby” ’til it’s born) or an embryo (if it’s before week 8).  But we’re talking about Jules, and we don’t know what she stands on these issues.  Me?  I couldn’t have lived with myself had I chosen to have a baby with a sweet but financially reckless man and so I didn’t: no regrets. 
     
    So, Jules… look into your own heart and see if it makes sense for you to have a baby, knowing that the father probably won’t be around much, if at all.    Whichever decision you make, you have my sincere best wishes.
     
     

  28. 28
    Karl T

    Kiki #26,
    I know a woman in her late 40’s who still thinks that if he pulls out prior then you can’t get pregnant.  I tried to explain the whole “there’s small traces of sperm in pre-ejaculate” thing to her and that she still could get pregnant, but it fell on deaf ears.  According to her since it hadn’t happened to her it was not possible.  Some people are incredibly smart in some areas and make you wonder how they can sometimes be sooooo stupid!!!!!  I know exactly what you mean.  Any people who are that dumb about sex make me want to run as far away from them as possible.  
    I hope to God that woman I know never gives sexual advice to any younger people!!!!!

  29. 29
    Zara

    Michele your bang on about this guy :) Seperated kinda still married men are dating scum! 

  30. 30
    Eva

     I also must voice my agreement with Jenna. It is our body so we decide who we have sex with and how soon, but once a seperate life, a new person with seperate dna is conceived it is our duty to take care of him or her!!!! how dare you say it is in this baby’s interest that you terminate its life… having one parent is better than not being alive for sure… And anyway Evan you are not in a place to advise anyone to have an abortion, that is plain wrong, you’re supposed to be a dating coach!

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