What the Happiest and Most Successful Women Do Differently
This article - actually, this series of articles – at the Huffington Post – has drawn some predictable criticism from some the commenters. And why?
Because the author, a man who writes books about women and does scientific research on happiness, reports in “The Paradox of Declining Female Happiness” that there are some things that women can do to improve their lives.
Marcus Buckingham, from all accounts, has just compiled a bunch of data from women and is reporting objectively on what he’s discovered. He doesn’t have an agenda, apart from making women aware of some of the unfortunate consequences of certain lifestyle choices – like being negative and not accepting the world as it is.
Hmm…sounds familiar.
Yet commenters on HuffPo question him as if he’s some tool of the establishment, sent to oppress women:
Dear Mr. Marcus Buckingham,
What authority and expertise do you posses in womens’ issues? Further, what is your degree in? Where is the research referenced in your blog? Is it peer reviewed? It seems to me you want to write an “inspirational” self help book for women (from a white male perspective), and they will probably buy it. The beauty of blogging is access to information and opinion that popular media falls short in delivering, but I also find it troublesome that some people use blogs to promote themselves and their “brand” which is not dissimilar to the corporate concept that has served to oppress pretty much the majority of this country’s population, minus 1% on the top.
So, I would like to know your education and credentials and I would appreciate references to the studies you cite. That would be honest blogging and reporting!
Best regards,
Adelina
Adelina’s skepticism is based not on Mr. Buckingham himself – after all, she has no idea who he is. Instead, her anger is based on the fact that he told her something she didn’t want to hear. And when people tell us things we don’t want to hear, we tend to attack them – instead of considering the message itself – and how it might be valid to a broad swath of others.
If Mr. Buckingham reports that women are less happy than before, and a reader herself is PERFECTLY happy and can’t possibly understand where this study is coming from…it still doesn’t negate the veracity of the study.
Once again, the messenger is getting shot. But it’s not HIS message.
It’s an objective one.
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49 Comments »Filed Under Uncategorized
Jenny from Texas 1
Dear Adelina:
How old are you?
Sincerely,
Jen
Mikko Kemppe - Relationship Coach 2
What a great blog and article he has. I just went and read it. Thanks for posting it! I thought the study was very interesting.
But the funny part for me is how we men often insist on trying to talk or explain women out of their feelings of unhappiness whether by justifying how we are right by doing research and using complicate data or by simply often unknowingly discounting women’s feelings and experience.
And then we wonder why women don’t feel supported or loved by our “so smart and brilliant” explanations on how to be happier
.
Dope 3
Women’s issues? Sounds more like he’s addressing a human issue which just happens to have been highlighted in a study on women.
Evan Marc Katz 4
I agree, Mikko. Emotion is more powerful than logic. And it’s extremely hard to effectively and gently point out the logic behind one’s unhappiness.
It’s like Dale Carnegie – and Landmark Education – and so many other say: People will do anything to preserve their worldview, even if it’s keeping them unhappy. Nobody wants to be told that they are “wrong”.
And that’s why “wrong” is the wrong word.
That’s I try to talk about effective vs. ineffective as opposed to right and wrong. So if getting angry at the opposite sex is effective for you as a dating strategy, keep it up.
However, if it doesn’t serve any practical purpose, what strategies can you use to understand the opposite sex and empower yourself into healthier relationships? That’s pretty much why I write about this stuff.
I sincerely hope it helps in some small way.
Honey 5
I agree that people who are happy are predisposed to be happy, and are also able to decide to be happy, sometimes even when circumstances would suggest another emotional reaction.
My boyfriend defaults to an entitled/pessimistic view in almost every circumstance. It’s a wee bit exhausting, sometimes.
Kristyn 6
I thought the article made a great point when it stated that part of being happy is a choice. I have a thought by Charles Swindoll on my desk that reads:
“Attitude – The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life. Attitude, to me, is more important than facts.
It is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than failures, than success, than what other people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness, or skill. It will make or break a company . . a church . . . a home.
The remarkable thing is we have a choice every day regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our past . . . we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude . . .
I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it. And so it is with you . . . we are in charge of our attitudes.”
Kristyn 7
@ Evan
I think it helps a great deal.
Paul 8
Ladies, please don’t hate me for saying all of what I’m about to say, this has really been on my heart of late. If you go to any really busy street corner at, lets say, 5:30 PM and look deeply into the faces of the women driving home from work, you’ll see it…it’s there…deep unhappiness. Looking at it from a Biblical perspective, it is no wonder that women have become more and more unhappy in the last 50-60 years…that just so happens to coincide with the advent of the womens movement. It also just happens to coinside with the rising divorce rate, but that’s for another discussion. Statistics bear out both. As a consequence of the womens movement, they did received more freedom, more money at work, more respect, more leadership roles, and all of those important things that they have now, but at what cost? What are the unplanned for consequences of the womens movement? There have been whole books written about that (the book “The Lies Women Believe” has an excellent chapter on the unplanned consequences of the womens movement and it will really make you stop and think!), but it seems that slowly but surely, women are becoming more like men, and deep down I think it’s making them less fulfilled, not more. They were looking for more respect and they got it…but again, at what cost. Ironically it’s not respect women deeply crave, it’s love. That is what they were made for…to be loved unconditionally, to give love, and to be treated with love. Respect is the thing men so deeply crave – mens deepest fear is to not be respected, and worse yet, to be held in contempt by his woman. Going out and ‘slaying the dragon’, so to speak, is really not what God had in mind when he created woman…women are simply not meant for that role. In my opinion, women need to be women, and get back to what makes them truly happy at the core. Men are the original hunter gatherers, and I might add, leaders, and women took care of things back at the camp site…much to do there, that is why women are so much better at multitasking. If you want to learn what God had in mind for women, and what a really happy woman looks like, read proverbs 31…”The wife of Noble Character”. A happier woman you will not find, and yes, she worked and did her part at providing. She laughed at the future…her kids and her husband loved and respected her. She was cherished and lacked nothing. Either read that in the bible and see, or just continue on like the author of the article said, keep holding on to your world view!
Totally open to disagreement…
Honey 9
Paul, I hate to break it to you, but the women’s movement began long, long before that…the modern women’s movement probably “began,” if you can use a word like that with any sort of accuracy (which you can’t), prior to the Civil War – when women began speaking publicly in favor of abolition. The Seneca Falls convention, generally regarded as the first Women’s Rights Convention, was held in 1848. After the Civil War, there was another surge of activist women endorsing women’s suffrage – the 19th amendment, giving women the right to vote, was passed in 1920. All of these activities generally fall under what is considered first-wave feminism.
You seem to be talking about second-wave feminism, which is considered by feminist scholars (of which I am one, I wrote my dissertation on certain aspects of first-wave feminism) to have begun in the 1960s and lasted until the end of the 1970s. However, scholars generally consider us as having entered third-wave feminism by 1992 at the very latest.
And even if you see many working women who appear, based on your own limited, external observations, to be unhappy – you are not taking into consideration the economic pressures that force many women into the workplace whether they would like to be there or not, in positions that they may not enjoy, that may not be secure, for compensation that may not be adequate. Third-wave feminism itself is generally (as generally as you can get given how disparate the various subgroups of this category are) supportive of a woman’s right to choose to stay home and seek the kind of life you speak of. Unfortunately, given that most men are unable to earn enough money to provide that choice to their wives and still avoid a life of poverty, many women do not have that choice in a practical sense.
And, given your own political and religious leanings, you are almost certainly selectively noticing “unhappiness” and projecting your own interpretation on it.
Diana 10
Interesting article. I began about 15 years ago to live in the moment (the strong-moments the author refers to), to find and to create them, to use them as a reservoir for when I needed them, to keep my focus on that moment with great intent, to breathe its very essence. And to follow the message, “to thine own self be true.”
I do not see these moments as a reflection of happiness; more as a strong sense of well being, of feeling whole, and deeply connected to who I am, and to life itself. I have found that these moments have created a wealth of gratitude for me. I am less inclined to take my day for granted. My view of life and people is more compassionate and understanding.
If life has me going in circles or my heart starts to feel heavy, I que up a brilliant sunset where I can see my children playing in its fading light, or I recall the night I drove my family home during a quiet, soft rain with beautiful music drifting in their dreams as they slept. Or how I feel when I play the piano. The moments are endless.
I have experienced many hardships in life, yet I have been blessed, too. But most of all, I have chosen to focus on the positive, and to keep my faith and hope alive.
downtowngal 11
This article is common sense for everyone. If you want to be happy you have to learn how to CHOOSE to do so. Many people don’t realize that they have choices.
The idea is universal and not limited to women. I can think of some guys I’ve dated who were so negative it was a turnoff (and I’m sure a lot of guys can say the same abt women).
I also think the media likes to shock people, and by portraying women as ‘unhappy’, ‘negative’ or ‘desperate’ and what we can do about it, the author sells books. Mainly because women are the ones seeking advice about this stuff.
So how can you measure the changing rate of ‘unhappiness’ among women? I dunno. And I don’t care. I’m just gonna live my life one day at a time and appreciate every moment!
Mikko Kemppe - Relationship Coach 12
@ Evan, you wrote: “what strategies can you use to understand the opposite sex and empower yourself into healthier relationships? That’s pretty much why I write about this stuff.”
I am all for all us learning to understand more about the opposite sex in a more positive way to empower us for better and more loving relationships. And I think all of us here have tremendously benefited from your insights and advice.
@Honey & Kristyn, I also think happiness is a choice.
And in that same way I also agree with the author who wrote the article. And I think today women are probably undergoing more stress than ever before, so I am not surprised that he found women to appear to be unhappier than before.
Curly Girl 13
Did I read right the absolute declaration that the HP is an objective source of info? Hmm. Curious, that one.
I don’t even get why anyone is writing in such a broad way about something as amorphous and hard-to-define as the happiness of the half of the population he doesn’t belong to, and over a time frame that he didn’t witness himself. Very odd choice. Makes me wonder what he’s got going on inside of him. Can you imagine if a white person wrote an article about why black people are so much less happy than they were 60 years ago? Or a black person writing the same about white people? Or a woman writing the same about men?
Switching it up like that shows you how goofy the whole premise is.
For the record: Woman, very happy.
Steve 14
Instead, her anger is based on the fact that he told her something she didn’t want to hear.
That is true of almost every person, male or female, from all walks of life in just about every arena of life, not just dating. Depending on the situation some of us can temporarily override that and break out of a vicious circle.
Steve 15
I can’t believe I am quoting Dr. Phil, but I think he said it the best when he said
“You can be right or you can be happy”.
Too many of us forget that happiness is the goal, so we don’t even try to think of letting go of something we are OCD about and that isn’t making us happy.
Diana 16
I think that many women of today are unhappy. It’s a combination of things, like trying to meet everyone’s expectations, including those of society and life’s many pressures to try and “be it all,” “do it all,” and be perfect while at it.
For some women, by no means all, who either personally want it all, i.e. a great career and a great motherhood experience, or who feel pushed into believing they want it all, they start to realize that the way they envision those things to be are not always as they are. They can feel overwhelmed, disillusioned. This is why you have to know yourself well, and what you and you alone truly value, then do the best you can for your life, and try to let everything else go, including the guilt, mistakes, expectations and disappointments.
To Paul #7, when you see the working women at the end of the day, it’s impossible for you or anyone to see them as they truly are, due to your own view being projected onto them, and because you cannot see below their surface. You are catching a moment of thousands in their lives that cannot possibly be explained so simply. Perhaps they had a difficult day, or they’re worried about their sick mother, or any number of things. Women were also unhappy before the women’s movement, too.
We all know that you cannot judge a book by its cover. I have experienced men who mistakenly thought that, as a pretty woman, I should be smiling because their projection was that pretty women should smile, so they said. By not doing so, I guess something in the universe just wasn’t aligned that day.
Incredulous.
Happiness is wanting what you have; not having what you want. Men and women alike can choose to have serenity in the midst of a storm, happiness when the clouds look grey. It’s all in our attitude.
Steve 17
@Paul #8
I’m not disagreeing with everything you wrote in post #8, but there are some common sense points which you might want to resolve with your ideas.
When I look on the faces of both women AND men during rush hour I see tired or stressed faces ( not necessarily unhappy people overall ). Work life in addition to benefits brings some pain to all of us, regardless of sex.
Remember that song by the Rolling Stones “Mother’s Little Helper”? Well, I take from that being a stay at home wife wasn’t the magic bullet for happiness evangelical Christians make it out to be. Big Pharma started making the first “anti-depressants” back in the 1950s and many, many housewives became hooked. If being a stay at home wife/mother is the natural state for a person just because she is a woman then why did so many women need drugs to hack that situation out?
Sayanta 18
Well- the first thing that came to my mind when I read Adeline’s letter was, “I hope I never become that bitter and passion-less.” She completely missed the point- and the fact that she wants proof of education and credentials to back up information that should be common sense is deeply sad.
I agree- some people prefer to stay in a miserable emotional situation because that’s what they know and all they think they can get. Nothing you can do about it- if all the world suddenly became light and rainbows with people all over singin Kumbaya in harmony, Adiline would still sit in her corner scowling and asking what credentials people have that they dare to be so happy.
Sayanta 19
Diana- great post!
Perhaps they had a difficult day, or they’re worried about their sick mother, or any number of things. Women were also unhappy before the women’s movement, too.
Paul- I was thinking the same thing. And, unless you own a time travel machine- what exactly makes you so sure of women’s feelings before “liberation”? Women rebelled against the status quo for a reason- they weren’t happy. And for the record, most daguerrotypes I’ve seen of late 19th century/early 20th women don’t exactly have them sporting ecstatic smiles. On that note, I agree with the OPs that you seem to be projecting your own views onto those women’s faces. Case in point, after a bad date, I’m more likely to think most of the young, good-looking guys I see have asshole written all over their faces. Not so after a good day.
We all know that you cannot judge a book by its cover. I have experienced men who mistakenly thought that, as a pretty woman, I should be smiling because their projection was that pretty women should smile, so they said. By not doing so, I guess something in the universe just wasn’t aligned that day. Incredulous.
Argh! Don’t you hate that? I’ve actually had men come up to me and ask me why I wasn’t smiling- I don’t know who they thought they were.
isabelle_archer 20
Ugggh. This “study” supposedly showing a “happiness gap” between men and women has been thoroughly debunked, and yet won’t go away:
“the empirical basis for all this fuss is so thin as to be practically non-existent.” http://languagelog.ldc.upenn.edu/nll/?p=1753
But people just can’t resist a story about What’s Wrong With Women.
Also, Evan, doesn’t Buckingham’s encouragement to chase after emotional highs, what he calls “strong-moments” (a kind of dull coingage as far as coinages go…) conflict with your advice to look for the steady, calm, and long-lasting in a relationship instead of chasing after “chemistry?”
Evan Marc Katz 21
A) It’s not What’s Wrong With Women. That’s the term that you’re assigning to it. If, in fact, his study revealed that men were less happy than women, then THAT would be the story – with related advice on what men might do differently to bridge that gap. Studies aren’t meant to demonize; they’re meant to reveal unspoken truths. You can feel free to debate whether women, as a whole, are as happy as men…but it’s certainly something to think about. And Buckingham’s advice would seem to be virtually unassailable.
B) As I’ve said, oh, about 2000 times – passion vs. chemistry is not an either/or thing. It very much twists my words and conflates disparate ideas to keep on suggesting that. What has been illustrated to me, anecdotally, is that couples who find friendship and compatibility fare better than ones driven by passion and all the fire and blindness that often accompanies it. That does not mean there’s NO passion. Other studies show that couples who manage to reinvent their relationship are the ones who fare best. That’s what Buckingham means by “strong-moments”. Taking a spontaneous trip to Napa Valley to renew your vows. Experimenting in the bedroom. Getting out of the day to day routine to keep a relationship fresh.
We have to stop talking about this as if we’re adversaries – “I’m right, you’re wrong!” serves no one well. It’s all a delicate balance. I would just put the balance at 60% compatibility and 40% chemistry and 75% stability and 25% excitement as a formula for a winning relationship. Flip those over and the results may be considerably different.
Diana 22
To Sayanta #19, YES! It drives me buggers. My smiling isn’t tied to my looks!
starthrower68 23
Evan, to address your chemistry vs. passion comment, I’m not sure why its so difficult for every one to understand that the relationships who have the right balance are the ones that survive. I had the stable marriage but I had no passion. I didn’t even have the stability at the end. There are some couples I can point to Evan, that I believe are the epitome of what you speak: the best example that comes to mind for me is Amy Grant and Vince Gill. I think they are described by a phrase you might be familiar with: “beshert” or “meant to meet”. I’ll bet Honey would agree that she and her bf are “beshert”. I’ll bet Evan, you would agree that you and your wife are “beshert”.
Curly Girl 24
I’m with Isabelle!!! Goofy goofy goofy story! Thanks for the debunking info, Isabelle!
If you think we’re all so unhappy then just leave us alone, that’s what I say. Let us worry about our lives and you can worry about your own.
I just think it’s so weird that anyone would even be “studying” this, as if there is something that can be studied “empirically” here. Ridiculous!!!
Honey 25
Starthrower, if atheists can be beshert, too, then yes! Charlotte says that she and Harry are beshert on Sex and the City, so I’m a fan of the word
isabelle_archer 26
Evan, sorry I struck a nerve with the chemistry-comfort thing. I think you’re right about it, generally.
I actually think that male unhappiness is significantly undertheorized by the media and should be addressed more often. You have to listen to country music to find it broadly discussed…
That said, the media *loves* stories about female unhappiness – in part because women are prime consumers those stories. But more importantly, this discourse is part of the LONG line of analysis which uses notions of women’s “happiness” and “essential nature” to argue against women’s economic and political rights. That job won’t make you happy, but babies will!! It really wasn’t all that long ago when the US Supreme Court ruled that women could be barred from being lawyers because “The natural and proper timidity and delicacy which belongs to the female sex evidently unfits it for many of the occupations of civil life.” So, you’ve got to forgive (or at least understand) the more historically minded among us who get annoyed at men writing about women’s essential natures and what we all should do to fulfill those natures, as if we were all some sort of monolithic entity.
Anyway, my main peeve here that I wanted to comment on is that there is no gender “gap” in happiness – those studies have been way way way overblown by the media.
Ruby 27
I’m in agreement with Isabelle A and Curly Girl. Can you imagine an article entitled “What the Happiest and Most Successful MEN Do Differently”? Or “What the Happiest and Most Successful Latinos Do Differently”? It’s just a tad condescending. And please don’t start the same old, tired nonsense about the women’s movement making women more miserable, as if losing the economic and social freedom we’ve gained would actually make women (or men for that matter) happier!
Sayanta 28
I honestly can’t understand why people are so upset about this article. A guy writes a simple piece about what women can do to possibly improve their lives. He didn’t pull this stuff out of his ass, for Chrissake- he uses personal interviews and common sense, and people are in uproar.
I’ve always heard men complain about how they have to walk on eggshells around women. i always thought they were full of shit to say that, but now I think I see where they’re coming from.
Kenley 29
Isabelle,
The interesting thing about the article is that it doesn’t in fact indicate that women should return to old gender roles. One of the big findings in the study is that women WITHOUT CHILDREN tend to be happier than women with children. I think that finding is what really angered some women. There was a woman in the article who admitted that she gets tired of playing with her kids — that it drains her. For many women, motherhood is sacred and women who admit that it’s hard and they don’t like it are severely criticized.
I do think that for some reason, the title seems to suggest that despite all the economic advances women have made, they aren’t happier so they should go back to being housewives. However, that’s not what the article is saying nor is that what Buckingham is suggesting.
Sayanta 30
Can you imagine an article entitled What the Happiest and Most Successful MEN Do Differently?
Actually I can. Not for ethnic groups though, because that would be too politically charged- and I do think from personal experience and just observations I’ve made that race is way more of a emotionally charged topic.
Steve 31
@Kenely #29
IMHO I think mothers admitting remorse, however temporary and situational, about motherhood is so charged for them that it is similar for a patriotic soilder to admit that a war he is in is a farce.
Curly Girl 32
Steve, military people say that all the time.
Curly Girl 33
I still like what Isabelle says! Go, Isabelle!!!
LK 34
Paul:
If you go to any really busy street corner at, lets say, 5:30 PM and look deeply into the faces of the women driving home from work, you’ll see it it’s there deep unhappiness.
If you went to a busy street corner at 5:30 PM before women were permitted to have careers, you wouldn’t be able to “look deeply into the faces of women driving home from work” because they’d all be at home cooking and cleaning for their husbands. If I was stuck in that position I’d probably look hazy and frazzled by 5:30 PM because I would have spent the afternoon drinking away my depression at being trapped in a completely domestic role.
Personal anecdote: I have gone through periods of hating my job and feeling stressed and miserable. But through a confluence of hard work and luck, I have addressed a lot of the reasons for this. Now I have a dynamic and interesting job that I love. I enjoy my time at the office. I’m still tired and sometimes cranky at the end of the day because I work hard.
Diana:
I have experienced men who mistakenly thought that, as a pretty woman, I should be smiling because their projection was that pretty women should smile, so they said. By not doing so, I guess something in the universe just wasn’t aligned that day.
I have similarly had men — always strangers — complain that I wasn’t smiling. That did not make me smile! I don’t smile to provide a decorative aesthetic experience for men! The default mode on my face is a neutral one. If someone wants me to smile he should do something to make me smile
Sayanta 35
If someone wants me to smile he should do something to make me smile
Awesome: this is what we should all say the next time some dude wants us to bestow a smile on him.
Steve 36
If someone wants me to smile he should do something to make me smile
Sounds like it could be an invitation to obnoxious behavior
Li-Ann 37
Diane / Sayanta / LK:
Re: smiling. I get the same thing all the time with total strangers, always men, asking me why I am not smiling. Once they point it out to me, they appear to expect that I should start smiling. Why does this total stranger think that it is appropriate to make a personal observation? I have never felt the urge to ask any men or women I see walking by who are strangers why they aren’t smiling. It isn’t my business.
I would really love to know exactly what is behind that phenomenon, and particularly why I never get asked to smile by other women. I’m not scowling, I’m just in neutral.
I don’t know how it is that these men think that pointing out that someone isn’t smiling is supposed to then make them want to smile. And how can they not realize that it would make the person confronted feel very uncomfortable? If I ignore the comment and keep walking, the men mumble that I’m a b**ch or stuck up, but sometimes I can’t walk away as they’ll come right up to me and demand an answer. I’ll try to explain that I’m not unhappy at all, just in neutral, then they seem to not understand that and press even more, saying “give me a nice big smile”.
Diana 38
I think I hit a nerve.
It is presumptuous when a guy tells me to smile. I just continue on my way. My quiet aura sometimes has guys wondering what I’m thinking. Perhaps a smile would ease them, but I usually do not smile when my mind is elsewhere and not focused on them. Like the time I got on an elevator remembering my beloved cat who had to be put to sleep and then heard. “Smile!” Ugh.
Selena 39
Re: Complete strangers (men) asking a woman why she wasn’t smiling. Yeah it’s annoying. I never before realized it’s an actual phenomena. Why do they do it? Just a stab in the dark, but I wonder if it is a prelude to flirting. That is, if they can get a woman to smile at them, then they assume she will be receptive to their flirting with her. Neutral expression leaves them on uncertain ground in how to proceed. Guys? What do you think?
Paul, I know I’ve worn a grim expression many a time at 5:30 on my way home from work. Had nothing to do with the women’s movement, everything to do with a long, congested commute and trying to avoid asshole drivers on the highway.
Also Paul, I’ve had the privelege of being both a work-outside AND a stay-at-home mother. Both have their perks. Both have their downsides. I liked being at home because I was my own boss. I could pick and choose what tasks I wanted to do (or not do) on any given day. I was also mind-numbingly bored many a time and missed interaction/intellectual stimulation with adults.
I’ve known women who would have loved to stay home with their kids, but simply couldn’t afford to. And I’ve known many women who would have been climbing the walls in frustration and lashing out at their kids and partner if they were forced to stay home with them 24/7. Happiness in this arena depends on personality. Not to mention family economics. How can you presume to know what would make over 3 billion people happier? Or would it just make you happier if women stayed in their kitchens? And if so…why? Examine that.
Curly Girl 40
A man who feels compelled to make comments to women on the street about their attractiveness or lack thereof has a problem with women in general. I think that sums it up.
JerseyGirl 41
I can see how women would be less happy today then 50 years ago. But this is also true of men. Men and women have so many stressors today fueled by a fast past lifestyle nad modern technology. Alot of us engage in daily behaviors that is meant to 1.) Try to keep up and 2.) numb/dull ourselves, at the same time. Perhaps the fact that women more closely identifty with their feelings then men do, leads to a study why women are more easily identified as being unhappy, even if men are more unhappy as well too. But I do understand how women could be more unhappy today then yesterday.
I however don’t think this is only a matter of the woman’s movement being the evils of the world and we should all just go back to being barefoot and happily pregnant. As I said before, alot of our everday stressors has to do with our own fast paced lives and the technology that over fills it. Alot of it has to do with that not only do women work now, but alot of women still carry much of the household handlings and children responsiblities. Men have greatly changed as well and do, do more in these regards but there is still a heavy burden on women to be all and produce all. And do it while you still keep your college figure and still manage to hit Victoria Secrets to by that thong he liked. There are high high expectations placed on women on what they should be able to do, who they should be and how they should look while doing it.
We are always evolving and our roles are always changing. Today’s women would never be gratified to have the kind of role we had in the 1950s. And while we might be more unhappy currently, I suspect we will find a way to meet the new challenges we face that as we did when we went through the woman’s movement. I personally think women will come to a point where women won’t want to do it all. Maybe that means that men will evolve even more themselves to have more shared responsiblities. Maybe it means that men will evolve to have an even greater understanding of women. Today’s man of 2009 I think does infact try harder to understand women then the men of previous decades had. That is going to keep changing and growing (hopefully) too.
Someone here befores said that women need to turn back to the core of what truly makes them happy. I don’t think that is tied in how many bras we burned, how many jobs we have to work but rather the quality of our relationships. I personally think, because I know for myself, when I am happy with my personal relationships, whether that is with a guy or my family and friends, a long day at the office isn’t so bad, because at the end of the day, I have what counts. When my relationships are more rocky, things are more off skeltor. SoI don’t think this is about the fact that women have to work now-a-days but that the quality of relationships that women have is the core of what makes us happy because that’s what most of us feel matters at the end of the day.
Sayanta 42
Steve:
HA! Didn’t think of that…;-)
Li-Ann-
How irritating- my god- I’d want to sock ‘em. I’ve also noticed that the kind of men who say this are usually a certain type, you know, the socially clueless kind who probably catcalls at women on the street. So, even though it’s irritating, the best thing to do is to ignore them. Paying any kind of attention to them is more than they deserve- what you’ve done is best, just ignore them and keep walking. As for the bitch, stuck-up thing, if they honestly think their ‘method’ is going to get them a date, they’ve got bigger problems than unsmiling women.
Sayanta 43
oh- forgot to post this- considering the original topic, I thought this would be interesting as a read.
http://shine.yahoo.com/channel/life/are-modern-women-sad-517520/;_ylt=AsfJix9oXYEceNfoBy8uWGOifqU5
And just for the record, I think a lot of modern Western people are sad in general. Sadly.
hunter 44
My response to “smile,”(’cause I get that too), “my co-worker recently enrolled me in charm school.”
JerseyGirl 45
Sayanta, thanks for posting that article. Good read and a good perspective to remember. The women’s movement and feminism didn’t occur because women were so happy or being treated with respect. It wasn’t perfect either but I suspect women today are alot more happy with thier ability to work and make life choices that our grandmother’s couldn’t.
Ruby 46
I don’t think Marcus Buckingham is saying that feminism has hurt woman at all, and as someone else noted, he does say that women without children tend to be happier than those who have them. Could it be that women are less happy now – if that is in fact the case – because they are more sensitive to social and pokitical inequities now than in the past? Of course, therre are probaably other studies out there showing that women are actually happier. And let’s not forget that this person has a book out that he’s trying to promote. I’m not saying that his opinions aren’t valid, just that they should be taken with a grain of salt.
Helen 47
Sayanta: let me add my thanks to JerseyGirl’s for your posting that wonderful article by Leslie Morgan Steiner. Yes, our mothers suffered much more than we did, but were not as vocal about it; so really, it was impossible to capture their “happiness” (or lack thereof) in a 1970s survey.
Let me post here Leslie’s last paragraph, which is worth a read by everyone:
“And anyway, I don’t really care about ‘unhappiness.’ It’s not such a bad fate. Lack of any real choices and no ability to bitch about it — is much worse.”
No question about it: we’re living in changing times for women, and that can make us unhappy (no transition is easy). But we’d never want to go back. Let’s be grateful for what we have while we continue to press forward.
Sayanta 48
No problem. Glad you guys liked it. I think we all have to remember two main things about any major social/political transition.
1) They’re never smooth
2) The people in power don’t want to give up their power, or share it.
I count women’s advancement and such, and although we can all complain and write tons of articles, the fact is that the above two things are not going to change. The best thing is to work to make a smoother transition, but not get too disappointed when the curve balls come.
Helen 49
Evan, you wrote: “Once again, the messenger is getting shot. But it’s not HIS message. It’s an objective one.”
With all due respect, Evan, this is NOT an objective message. Not necessarily because of bias on Marcus’s part, but because there is no objective way to compare the results of psychometric surveys conducted in 1972 vs. 2009. We’re living in two different cultures, the former of which was populated with women who repressed their viewpoints and feelings on a regular basis.
Your choice of Adelina’s trite letter is not representative of why women like me feel angry about this study. So again, with all due respect, it was a poor choice. And “angry” is not so much the word as “irritated.” I feel irritated by this study because, frankly, it’s not objective; but people will assume it is and draw the wrong conclusions. I and other social science researchers know it’s flawed, but laypersons aplenty will simply swallow the results whole and jump to the conclusion that feminism has hurt us women. Just take a look at the comments to Maureen Dowd’s NYTimes op-ed.
That said, I agree with all the commenters who state that happiness is largely an individual choice: that we go much further by proactively seeking to improve our lives rather than by complaining with no action.
Finally, a comment to Paul #8: If you must quote Proverbs 31, please get it right. The woman of noble character did not “stay back at the camp site.” She was working all over town. She was a working woman: good for her! Indeed, “Give her the reward she has earned, and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.” – Proverbs 31:31